There are decent men nowadays. The best qualities of a man for harmony in marriage and more. Constancy and loyalty. Will your love boat crash in everyday life?

Decency is defined as honesty, inability to engage in immoral, base acts. Thus, a decent person is one who has an honest character and high morality, which allows him to comply with accepted standards of behavior. The main thing in this is a conscious renunciation of ungodly actions. In fact, honesty and decency mean the same thing, only honesty has a narrower meaning and affects mainly the verbal sphere, and decency is a broader definition in its meaning.

The concept of decency

Everyday life also has its own ideas about decency. For example, a man’s decency in everyday understanding is often characterized by his responsibility towards a girl and the absence of deception on his part. The concept of a girl’s decency is often interpreted as her chastity or fidelity to one partner, as well as a “correct” lifestyle from a social point of view. Against this background, statements like “a guy’s pride is his girlfriend’s decency” have become popular.

However, in fact, this concept is much broader than such a domestic sphere. What actually characterizes a person’s decency?

This quality allows you to treat other people with understanding, be friendly and responsive.
Decency means that a person has a developed sense of justice, and will act based on this principle even contrary to her interests.
Decency says that in any situation a person will act according to his conscience.
Decency guarantees respect from other people.
This trait allows you to make fair, correct decisions and take responsibility for them.
Decency is a quality that is valued in any situation and at all times.

Integrity test

In order to determine your level of integrity, you just need to take the test. Answer all questions with “yes” or “no”. If you find it difficult, remember the last month of your life.

Sometimes I laugh at an indecent joke.
If they address me politely, I will respond in kind.
I have financial problems.
Even if I don't like a person, I will rejoice in his well-deserved success.
Sometimes I put off urgent matters.
I behave differently at home and in company.
I am free from prejudice.
I don't always tell the truth.
In any game I strive to win.
Sometimes I get angry.
To justify myself, sometimes I invent something.
Sometimes I lose my temper.
As a child, I was obedient and immediately did what I was told.
Sometimes I'm irritated.
It happens that I laugh at an indecent joke.
Sometimes I'm late.
Sometimes I gossip.
Among my friends there are those who I don't like.
I'm not saddened by the failures of people I don't like.
I've been late.
Sometimes I brag.
Sometimes I don't want to do anything.
I have thoughts that I’m embarrassed to tell anyone about.
Sometimes I ruin someone's mood.
There were times when I told lies.
All my habits are positive.
No matter what, I will keep my promise.
Sometimes I can brag.
As a teenager, I had an interest in taboo topics.
I sometimes put off until tomorrow what is important to do today.
I have thoughts that are worth being ashamed of.
Sometimes I argue about things I know little about.
I don't love all my friends.
I can say bad things about someone.

Count the number of “yes” answers to the questions: 1, 3, 5, 6, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25 , 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, and the number of “no” answers to the questions: 2, 4, 7, 13, 26, 27. Sum up the numbers and see the result.

A man with whom it is impossible to build normal, happy family, gives itself away in the first months of acquaintance, if you look carefully. Having discovered in the chosen one obvious signs of one of the following 9 types of men, you should not hope that he will change, and trust his self-promotion and promises. Such a man is not just “not ideal” or has “shortcomings”, but is generally incapable of normal relationships. Only disappointment and pain await him... Do you need it?

What should you be wary of in a man?

1. Signs of a flighty romantic or swindler

Before you even get to know each other, he already declares his love and proposes? Romantic! But think for yourself: will a person who understands what family and responsibility are, or that relationships mean deep intimacy, propose to a practically unknown girl under the influence of sudden charm? Such frivolity is more typical of an immature, infantile man.

This is also how scammers behave, hoping to trick you as quickly as possible. But even if he does not turn out to be a marriage swindler, he will still give up his intentions with the same ease at the slightest difficulty, and in general he hardly imagines what a serious relationship is, hovering around.

He is not ready to cope with difficulties. Such men usually easily make a lot of promises and take on a lot of obligations, trying to impress and assuring them of their reliability. But truly reliable people very rarely make promises after carefully weighing first whether they can actually keep them. And more often than not they promise, but do.

2. Signs of an alcoholic (or any addict)

This is not about the fact that he occasionally drinks a bottle of beer after work or sometimes plays a shooter game, although this should be alarming, but about dependencies with all that it implies. People of a certain psychological type (dependent personality disorder) are prone to addiction, with which it is unrealistic to build a normal family. Even if such a person does not use, he prefers to avoid problems instead of solving them, and is also fundamentally not responsible for his actions.

During the candy-bouquet period, you may not know that he likes to drink or hangs out in games for days. How to determine such a tendency? Listen to how and what he says. Such a man often talks about himself in the passive voice or uses impersonal figures of speech, such as: “It so happened”, “They brought me to it”, “I was forced”, “I was unlucky” - that is, he always finds the reason for what happens to him and what he does, not in himself, but in something or someone else. This is a future (or already real) alcoholic, or at least an infantile person who will have to be babysat.

Even if he extols her, chanting her “divine” qualities, supposedly inaccessible to a man, he still does not recognize her as a person, categorically refusing her “male” compensation. This will manifest itself more clearly as soon as he considers that some woman does not live up to the standards of a “goddess” - she immediately becomes a “goat”, unworthy of human relations.

A man who despises women in principle, considers them “second-class” and is capable of being rude to them, will eventually treat you the same way, no matter how much he initially assures you that you are “special” and not like those “goats”. Naturally, you can immediately say goodbye to a man if he lets slip about how he hit (pushed, threatened, humiliated - and thus put it in place) one of your exes, if you don’t want to walk around with bruises.

Everything a man accuses his ex of will then be addressed to you!

5. Signs of a boor

A boor is a person who is unable to respect others: their interests, opinions, personal space. Such a person always does not respect himself - and this cannot be cured. It will not be possible to force a boor to make an exception for you personally. Worse, rudeness over the course of life will turn into outright rudeness, even to the use of force, especially with children. During the courtship period, he can be gallant and helpful. But this courtesy is ostentatious, and not born of sincere attention, and in small things he will still give himself away.

Be wary if a man: is late without warning, “forgets” your requests and warnings, does not take care of his appearance, reaches out and tries to kiss when you don’t want it. Laughing, he overcomes your weak resistance - such a man is often convinced that a woman's "no" is "yes" and acts in accordance with this “truth”.

But the easiest way to recognize a boor is in relationships with other people. If he throws dust in your eyes, then he will not stand on ceremony with others. Look how he behaves with taxi drivers, waiters, in line, how he talks with his friends, and especially with those with whom he is in conflict. It is in conflict that boor manifests itself in all its glory! A person who respects himself and others will never cross certain boundaries - he will not insult, humiliate, be rude... A boor keeps himself within limits only while everything is fine or when circumstances force him.

6. Signs of a domestic tyrant

Does a man like to talk about “a woman should”? Speaks: “I need such and such a woman - and you’re just the right one.”? Here it is too obvious that such a person is incapable of building relationships - he needs a servant and a cook and someone to boss around... Perhaps he will even do what a man “should” do, but he is not interested in either you as a person or your feelings and interests. And you won't be interested. Are you ready for this?

It happens that at first the tyrant disguises himself. He is emphatically respectful of your freedom and choice, while avoiding expressing his desires and preferences. This should be alarming. If a person truly respects another, he expects the same respect for himself - and will not only ask about your desires, but also voice his own in order to come to mutual agreement, and will not fuss, trying to shift responsibility.

A normal person is not afraid of conflicts of interest, being able to resolve conflicts without going beyond mutual respect. The tyrant, at first, can avoid any conflicts, knowing behind himself that he will not be able to hide his essence. Instead, he will expect (even demand in the depths of his soul) that those close to him “guess themselves” about his needs, and will be offended by those who are slow-witted, accusing them of inattention and indifference.

He may say: “As you say!”, “Everything is for you,” because he does not believe in the possibility that it is possible to reach an agreement taking into account the interests of both. He has an “either-or” scheme: “win-lose.” Sooner or later, the poles will change - and you will be required to “everything for him”, he will try to “win” at your expense.

7. Signs of an eternal bachelor

Is your chosen one the “life of the party”? These men are very attractive - they have charm, a sense of humor, etc. They have many friends and many ideas for how to have fun. There is nothing wrong with a person knowing how to relax. It’s bad when he lives only for entertainment and communication with friends. He is not interested in work, study, career growth... and family too.

What does he talk about, what is he proud of? If all conversations are based around entertainment, friends and hobbies, he has no business plans, and his highest assessment of something: “high” is a bad sign. Such a man is very jealous of his “freedom”. He may be carried away by you, but he will still keep you at a distance, and you will see for yourself that the relationship with you in his life takes...-eleventh place. You may be able to marry him on the promise that you won't mind his friends and hobbies. But do you need it?

You will have to have fun with him and host his friends, which can be a lot of fun until the kids come. Family is not entertainment, he will be bored and hard, and he will always strive to run away to his friends, while you flop around with the child in your arms, solving all the problems yourself. And even if he’s at home, he’ll still find something to amuse himself with (he’ll hang out on social networks, for example), and you won’t get through... Even if he doesn’t run away from the “ties of marriage,” then you’ll still really be “alone while alive.” husband."

8. Signs of a walking man

“You are the most beautiful of all the girls I have ever met!”- such a recognition reveals his passion for “collecting” girls. The womanizer is successful with women, he knows how to look after beautifully, “professionally,” but deep down he has a low opinion of women and believes that anyone can be seduced. And usually “all women are whores” with him.

He needs victories, not relationships. And after defeating you, he will get bored. And if you hear arguments from the series: “All men are polygamous” and “We cheat only with our bodies - and that doesn’t mean anything, the main thing is not with our souls,” then everything is clear with him: he will not miss the opportunity to “cheat with his body”: ) Unreasonable jealousy can also be an unpleasant surprise from such a man - after all, it is human nature to judge by oneself.

9. Signs of a jealous person

A jealous person, I think, is the easiest to recognize. The trouble is that women are flattered by his possessiveness at first - they think that this is love, that this is how they are distinguished from others. Although in fact, jealousy speaks of his deep lack of self-confidence. But something else is worse - a jealous man does not trust a woman and does not respect her. He does not consider her capable of choosing and being faithful to her choice. It is impossible to build normal relationships without trust, not to mention that a jealous person is simply dangerous.

A jealous man treats a woman as his property, an inanimate object. At first, this manifests itself romantically: “I won’t give you to anyone!”, “You are mine and only mine!”, “I don’t want anyone to stare at your beauty except me - wear this skirt only at home.” He may “carefully” fasten the top button on your blouse in public... And when jealousy takes on threatening forms, alas, it is already difficult to get rid of the jealous person.

How not to make a mistake in a man?

Do normal, decent men even exist?! - Of course, they do - and often! Even some of the above signs may not be a “diagnosis” - it is necessary to take into account the age and family in which the man grew up.

For example, being sociable at the age of 16-20 does not necessarily mean that the young man will live for entertainment - these are simply characteristics of his age. Deliberate rudeness may simply be bravado, a clumsy demonstration of “masculinity” that will also pass. Drinking and gambling does not necessarily indicate a tendency towards alcoholism, but may simply be a tribute to the company - what is important here is not the fact of drinking, but the personality type and the degree of involvement. We will talk about alcoholism later - subscribe to updates.

Of course, it is worth looking at his father and relationship with his mother. There is a chance that a man who grew up without a father will be a good husband and father if his relationship with his mother is good (healthy!) - such boys already know how to build a normal relationship with a woman, and having suffered without a father, they are unlikely to abandon their child. But if a boy grew up with an unworthy father, then the likelihood that he will reproduce his model of relationships in the family and life position is almost 100%, no matter how much he says that he does not understand and condemns his father’s behavior.

And vice versa, if his father is a worthy and decent person and his mother is happy with him, then there is hope that some negative signs that you notice in a man will disappear without a trace in the future. But if you find in your chosen one obvious signs of the above-mentioned types, and especially several at once, then you should not hope for change!

Many negative signs are interrelated and follow from one another, that is, they can be combined in one person. Jonah happens often alcoholic. Misogynist or jealous even more often - domestic tyrant. There are also all the signs in one. However, it is useless to try to understand men and memorize the signs of unworthy men without solving your problems.

Who and why do we choose? If your personal life is always unsuccessful, you come across only the heroes of this article, and you don’t even believe that there are others, but you hope to heal them with your “love” or simply humbly endure, considering this to be “a woman’s lot,” then the problem is with you themselves. But this can be fixed—I recommend, for example, that you read the book and start sweeping out the “cockroaches” that lead you into an unhealthy relationship.

If it seems that he deceived you, pretended to be a “prince”, and then turned out to be a “monster” - it seems. No one pretends - a person always reveals his best side when he falls in love. And we all tend to unconsciously demonstrate qualities that are directly opposite to shortcomings. But that’s why we turn a blind eye to the “bells”, joyfully believing in the initial demonstration and immediately starting to dream about family and children - a good question. Most often because the man’s personality is of little interest.

The next type of men with whom it is difficult or impossible to build normal relationships and a normal family are Don Juans. Don Juans do not want any relationships with women. They only like extremely quick seduction. Many men, of course, are interested in quick sex, but Don Juans are not interested in anything else.

It is clear that after Don Juan achieves his goal, he very quickly loses interest in the girl (woman). And if this is really a Don Juan, and not just a young man with excess hormones, then nothing can be done, no matter how hard the girl tries.

How to figure out whether a man is a Don Juan or not? There are not so many real Don Juans, even home-grown ones. However, due to their incredible activity, they can give the impression that they are almost 30%. How to recognize Don Juan?

Increased attention to your appearance.

This is an indirect and not entirely accurate sign, but nevertheless it helps well to recognize Don Juan. It can only be used in combination with other signs of Don Juans.

At the same time, with the help of it you can easily and most importantly very quickly weed out potential Don Juans from ordinary guys. Then you can look more carefully, which usually takes more time.

So, the average guy, especially an unmarried guy, by the standards of girls, pays little attention to his appearance. The maximum that guys are capable of is to pump up their muscles or buy something expensive. But usually, even if there is money, it is spent on all sorts of gadgets, trips, cars, etc.

Don Juan pays a lot of attention to appearance, because he knows that this is one of his main weapons in quickly conquering women.

So, what does our potential homegrown Don Juan pay attention to that regular guys don't?

- dandruff on hair. Rarely do any guys look at the amount of dandruff on their hair.

- wrinkled shirt, trousers, etc. Most ordinary guys grab the first shirt they can get their hands on, etc. Sometimes some things are even ironed, and some are not.

- dirty shoes. Surprisingly, guys under 30-35 years old very rarely wash or clean their shoes.

- the smell of sweat from the armpits, unshaven hair under the armpits. One of the most harmful habits for relationships with girls is the smell of sweat. However, many ordinary guys do not pay enough attention to this.

- belly in men over 30 years old. In men over 30 years of age, a belly appears in almost 90% of cases. If he doesn't appear, then why? Maybe he works in some structure where a high degree of athletic training is required? Maybe he is a professional athlete? Maybe he is married and his wife monitors his diet and health? Or maybe just Don Juan.

- very small and almost invisible pieces of dirt or food on clothes. Invisible to men, of course. Women usually easily see that there are traces of fat on the trousers, although carefully wiped off by hand. Women see that there is dirt on the shirt sleeves, collar, etc.

- basically cheap clothes, even if the budget allows it. Quite a lot of people, especially young guys, do not spend a lot of money on good clothes, even if their income allows.

- hair from ears and nose. No comments.

- unevenly trimmed or even unkempt fingernails and toenails, etc. A lot of men cut their nails haphazardly. There are also those who take care of themselves and do it carefully or even go to a manicure (pedicure) specialist.

I have listed several main signs by which you can understand a man and determine whether a man takes more care of himself than usual or not. I repeat that this is not 100% a sign of Don Juan. It is imperative to look at it in combination with other signs. However, at a minimum, this is a sign to take a closer look at the man and check his compliance on other issues.

It is possible, of course, that work associated with constant communication and the need to influence people led a man to the need to pay attention to his appearance.

However, even in this case there is usually some discrepancy. For example, if there is a need to lead people, then good clothes (suit), hairstyle, confidence can be developed, but at the same time there can be a belly, an unpumped figure, since this does not affect the ability to lead people. By the way, about how to become more confident, read the book “HOW TO BECOME CONFIDENT IN YOURSELF IN 3 MONTHS.” The method for developing confidence in this book is suitable for both boys and girls.

Conversely, there may be athleticism due to job demands (law enforcement agencies, coach, etc.), but not pay attention to the rest.

Don Juan, as a rule, pays attention to everything that is important for girls. (Depends, of course, on the level of Don Juan. There are hard-working Don Juans, there are Top Managers, but the principle is the same).

I’ll say right away that if a man is married or has been married for a long time, then he can take quite good care of his appearance (or more precisely, his wife usually does). Therefore, there is a possibility that a well-groomed man is not a Don Juan in the literal sense of the word, but simply married.

The second sign that will help you recognize a Don Juan is a smooth courtship, especially at the initial stage. (Acquaintance and first two dates)

I probably won’t reveal a big secret to you if I say that the vast majority of men, who even had a dozen or even more women before marriage, are not very good at caring for women. What can we say about those ordinary guys who only had a few girls (or none at all).

After all, seduction and courtship are rarely taught anywhere. It is assumed that a guy or a man will somehow learn everything on his own just by talking to girls. And in principle this is justified to some extent.

It is “Somehow” the average guy, of whom 90% are, who knows how to care for a girl.

And if in detail:

Firstly, he doesn't take care of his appearance. (About what is above)

Secondly, during courtship, pauses constantly appear, the duration of which is clearly longer than usual comfortable communication. This means that the man doesn’t know what to say (or blurted out something, but it didn’t work).

Thirdly, the man behaves like an idiot. That is, he tells completely idiotic stories. His jokes are not funny, his life stories are not interesting. He goes in for a hug either too early or too late. He doesn't know how to compliment a girl. Maybe even show up to the first date without flowers.

Another thing is a person who has already mastered everything. In our example, this may just be a home-grown Don Juan. (although not always)

Don Juan is usually fine in appearance. But that's not even the main thing. The main thing is the smoothness of courtship.

Everything is sufficiently worked out and therefore goes without pauses. There are funny stories (for women). The man knows how to present himself. He can give a good compliment. He can show that he is confident. It is clear that he will not come on a date without flowers or a gift.

I repeat that this sign (smoothness of courtship) cannot be considered separately from the others. It is possible that the man had a pronounced sanguine character from childhood (he was very sociable, etc.)

But for the vast majority of ordinary men, smooth courtship is not typical. Of course, then, as the girl and the guy get used to each other, as they have common topics for communication and knowledge of each other’s character, the smoothness of communication will develop.

However, I'm talking more about the first meeting and the first two dates at most. If at the first meeting and on the first two dates a man’s courtship is skillful and everything goes as planned, then there is a very high probability that the man is a local Don Juan .

Once again I will repeat the signs by which one can judge the smoothness of courtship.

— The presence of almost a dating scenario on the first date. That is, the man is not babbling something incomprehensible like "What weather is nice, so give me your phone number", or can easily tell a story on a topic, chat, make you laugh and invite you on a date.

I repeat, an ordinary standard man will not do this without training. Depending on his age and experience with girls, he will moo more or less, be stupid, be rude (sometimes without noticing it), look greedy (although he doesn’t necessarily look like that).

— A proven dating program.

The average man doesn't really know what to do on first dates. He offers either a movie, a cafe, or a visit to his home, or something else. Don Juan has a more or less worked out program of action.

On the first date, he is unlikely to invite you to stop by his house and drink wine. (Unless the girl is a very easy target) He is unlikely to fuss with incomprehensible proposals on how to spend a date (and then the cafe is closed and there are no movie tickets).

He almost certainly has a program or, for more experienced Don Juans, several programs of action. Everything has been worked out. He knows where he can climb a skyscraper, he feels at home in nightclubs, he knows where he can ride a boat with a girl. He knows what words and compliments you want to hear. (You can continue the list yourself)

— A proven sequence of actions.

The average man is constantly out of sequence. Then he is in too much of a hurry and tries to put his hands in places where he shouldn’t. Then the girl is already ready, but he does nothing.

A more or less experienced Don Juan does everything on time.

— Worked-out stories, anecdotes.

The fact is that even relatively sociable men who do not pay attention to Don Juanism have conversations tuned to men. Their stories and anecdotes are funny mostly to men.

And when these stories are told to girls, the girls do not laugh at a minimum, but at a maximum they may think that the man is not at odds with his mind (unless they play along, of course, for some reason).

More experienced men who communicate a lot and successfully with girls remove from their repertoire those stories and anecdotes that are not funny to girls and do not arouse their interest.

Therefore, if all or almost all of a man’s stories arouse interest and laughter in you (as well as the girls nearby), then there is a high probability that this is a Don Juan.

So, the smoothness of courtship is one of the best signs of a home-grown Don Juan. If you know how to recognize this smoothness, you will easily identify Don Juans.

I'll make a little analogy. For example, several men gathered and began throwing a basketball into a basket. Some people don’t hit it at all (an inexperienced man, in our analogy), others hit it better. And suddenly you see that there is a man who hits the basket with the ball almost always, in different positions, from far and near.

It is clear that this man plays basketball and quite intensely. After all, no one has the innate skill of hitting the ball in the basket.

So it is in the relationship between a man and a woman. There are no men who are naturally good at wooing women. If you suddenly see such a man, it means that he learned such skills somewhere. The question is where? Of course, you can improve this skill by taking some psychology courses or by practicing in front of a mirror. However, a good skill can only be obtained through courting a large number of women and some kind of development and analysis of the skill. (Basically Don Juan)

Don’t think that I recommend that you definitely date a man who has no skills in communicating with girls at all. This can be quite difficult and can get boring soon. But too good skills and smooth courtship are a strong sign that the man is a Don Juan.

Look for other signs. If both are present to one degree or another, then this is not even an assumption, but an almost 100% conclusion.

One of the main signs of a Don Juan is that they are psychologically immature. (either infantile or prone to harsh manipulation)

But without this sign, all of the above may indicate not that the man is a Don Juan, but that he is under an excess of hormones (youth or even at an older age), that due to something (innate beauty, confidence, money) too spoiled by women, but not Don Juan. That is, based on only two signs, you can make a mistake, sometimes a costly one.

Therefore, I suggest that you first think about whether the man you know has the first two signs. (too much attention to one’s appearance, smooth courtship). Only then can one look at psychological immaturity.

You can read how to distinguish between extremely infantile men and men prone to harsh manipulation in separate articles How to recognize a male manipulator and what to do? And How to identify a manipulator? (Part 2)

But very briefly, it could be:

- Excessive selfishness.

That is, the man does not want (cannot) do anything for you. He doesn’t listen to what you tell him (he pretends to listen, and then goes on about his own things). He spends money only on himself.

— Unethicality, manifested in one form or another.

- Dependence on someone.

- Obvious avoidance of even minor assistance to the girl. (For example, immediately busy as soon as you need help doing something)

We can probably end here.

Let's summarize. Don Juans are those men with whom, due to the characteristics of their psyche, it is almost impossible to build normal long-term relationships. Even if the girl is the best, well versed in the psychology of men, the most beautiful and the smartest, this will not stop a real Don Juan. (No matter how much you feed the wolf, he still looks into the forest). The maximum you can do is to identify them in time and refuse to communicate with him.

Best regards, Rashid Kirranov.

How does sympathy for a man arise?

The first thing any woman pays attention to is her appearance. In a few seconds, we scan a man who comes into our field of vision, noting to ourselves how he is dressed, what shoes he wears, how he smells, how he is shaved and combed his hair. If, from an aesthetic point of view, everything suits us, we put a “tick” in our mind next to the phrase “seems to fit.” And we begin to perceive the man “by ear,” that is, we evaluate what and how he says. And observe - evaluate how a man behaves in society. And here, at this stageIt is very important to take your time and listen and watch carefully!

The key to success in future happiness is already in the early stages of a relationship, determine whether the prospective partner is capable of experiencing the highest moral feelings - conscience, empathy, compassion and honesty.

Sometimes this is not easy to do!

Example:

Lera met Victor at a friends birthday party. A common feast, slow dancing to romantic music, and a walk under the night moon immediately brought them closer together. A week after they met, Lera called Victor her man. He smiled indulgently in response.

In principle, Lera was pleased with her gentleman. True, Victor could not keep his promises, be late for the date or not come at all. But Lera attributed this to character traits that were unlikely to seriously overshadow their relationship. She was not alarmed by the fact that Victor could yell at a woman on the bus who had touched him with her elbow. And even when it turned out that Victor could not repay the debt to the husband of the very friend from whom they met, Lera did not sound the alarm. “He loves me,” she shrugged proudly. - “And the rest doesn’t bother me.”

When will Victor, after six months of courtship suddenly stopped communicating, Lera sobbed resentfully and in bewilderment: “What a scoundrel he is! If I knew..".

But she knew! I just didn’t want to notice!

From the first days, Lena convincingly lied to herself that everything was perfect. That this is her destiny. Lena wanted so much to quickly close the “question of finding the other half” that she turned a blind eye to Victor’s dishonesty in all its manifestations, justifying the situation in every way, and not even by comparing the merits and demerits of the chosen one (since he did not particularly demonstrate any merits, and justifying him directly there was nothing trivial), but independently attributed to him,imaginary attitude towards her. Lena, being a noble and decent person, really did not want to believe that not everyone in the world is as noble. She didn't want to admit to herself that Victor was a decent bastard. The fictional fairy tale seemed very beautiful.

This behavior is very typical of a modern, highly moral woman who has not lost faith in people. Guided by the stereotype stuck in the head “you need to get married, because if you go through men, then you are somehow wrong” and also fueled by emotions and physiological processes characteristic of the initial period of relationships, women at the very beginning of their journey either consciously or unconsciously turn a blind eye to manifestations of dishonesty on the part of a man. Or they simply do not have practical knowledge of how to determine the true essence of the man whose advances they accept.

To the question asked point-blank: “Is he a decent person?” - we will hear either a confident “yes” or a vague “in relation to me - yes.” While we are unlikely to be lucky enough to hear the reasonable, calm and wise answer “I hope so, but I can’t say so, since we have known each other for only a short time.” And of course, we are unlikely to hear “no,” since either a mentally unstable person or a woman guided by cold, cynical calculation can consciously enter into a relationship with a scoundrel.

Psychologists, what are psychologists, ordinary common sense tells us to connect our lives withnoble and decent people. Long term no dishonest man can make any woman happy for a long time. What is called, by definition. When we say “dishonest,” we do not mean a man with correctable shortcomings, such as sloppiness or laziness in everyday life. We mean a man who lacks the highest moral qualities, such as conscience, empathy, compassion and honesty, that is, a man who exhibits signs of psychopathy . And if you know how to correctly analyze a man’s behavior, know the principles of psychology, that is, know what to look at and how to interpret what you see, you can easily guess who is next to you, what his value system is and whether there is one at all.

The principle of quadruple repetition

Imagine that you have an internal counter, and before making a judgment about character person , mentally add one, noting actions whichs repeatare more than four times . Analyze the behavior of the person you are observing and track the number of repetitions of the behavior patterns that your potential partner chooses for himself in more or less similar situations.

So, A very indicative sign of nature is the desire or unwillingness to take revenge on the offender. If you notice that revenge has manifested itself four times or more, keep this in mind. Most likely in front of youpsychopath - a person in whom feelings of anger and cruelty prevail (since revenge is always associated with cruelty and even violence). A person whose personality is governed by love, tolerance and generosity will be focused on forgiveness. Yes, he can take it out on the offender, he can even resort to revenge (and, often, regret it later), but these will be one-time, not recurring situations. A if a person took revenge four times, he will take revenge at any opportunity and enjoy it. It is quite possible that one day you or your child will anger him with something. Are you ready to deliberately become an object of revenge from a cruel person? Don't think.

The essence of the human soul is most truly revealed in crisis situations. It’s not for nothing that there is a saying that a friend is a friend in need! It is extremely significant that How does a person behave when he has to make a difficult life choice? Does he take a position of unhealthy selfishness and act solely in his own interests, and choose a path that contradicts the interests of everyone else. Or his actions contain the idea of caring not only for himself, but also for the environment. B A noble person, even in a crisis situation, will sacrifice personal gain for the well-being of loved ones.

The behavior of some men against the backdrop of the flood in X was very indicative in this regard. Crimean (Krasnodar region). When some men fled for their lives, abandoning everyone and everything, including their own families. Others, on the contrary, returned again and again to filled residential buildings, collecting and removing people. Even strangers. Even those with whom you were in a quarrel yesterday.

Relations within society. Pay attention to actions, they are always much more meaningful than words

Noble,decent Human respects and values not only his own comfort and peace, but equally protects and appreciates the attitudes of the society in which he lives. Please note that how your chosen one treats strangers. Does he communicate with respect? service staff in a cafe, store or queue. IN outbursts of aggression or rudeness - clear reason be wary. Because a man who can be rude to a stranger will then be rude to the one next to him.

Small everyday troubles that do not concern a person personally reveal their nature very well. For example, banal assistance to a driver whose car is stuck on the road. You can drive by, or you can go out and help. As a rule, such situations do not take a lot of time, and yes, you can drive past once, because “there is no time”, you can do it a second time, but when your chosen one regularly ignores this kind of victims, and even allows himself derogatory statements from the “it’s his own fault” series ", keep in mind that one day he may begin to treat you the same way. Because such disrespect for others is characteristic of him in general, and not of would-be drivers in particular. And this must be understood very soberly. Such people show respect only where they seek personal benefits. They are not capable of disinterested expression of positive feelings, if they are able to feel at all (as is the case with psychopaths). Such a person will show or pretend to show love, affection and a desire to help only as long as it benefits him, as long as you give him something he needs, for example sex or money or a roof over his head. As soon as his need decreases, the incentive to show his best side in such people evaporates. By connecting your life with a person who is led by calculation, you risk one day realizing that you were simply used.

Constancy and loyalty. Will your love boat crash in everyday life?

A potential tendency to cheat, social and spiritual inconstancy can also be determined by indirect signs. Not always, but very often an excessive need for variety (in a variety of foods, frequent trips to new places, new entertainment and thrills) indicates that the state of a calm, measured life is such a man will be difficult to bear. The higher your companion's need for new emotions, adventures and thrills, the greater the chance that sexual and social, for example companionship, true awns are unusual for him. He's bored. He will always demand that the banquet be continued. Yes, for some it may go away with age. Others will be able to control the constant desire to “change the picture,” manage it, and even include their partner in the process of searching for new experiences, for example, traveling with you. But the fact remains that consistency is a difficult choice for such people.

To understand whether you have met a faithful person, you must try to objectively assess the degree of his readiness for the routine phenomena of life. Ask if he was diligent in school. Find out if he has any hobbies and how often he changes them. Ask your potential partner if he likes parties. Are you interested in extreme sports? Gently ask, if it is convenient, how long his relationship with your predecessors lasted. This is very valuable information, based on which it is easy to judge how constant a person is.

Aggression

The level of temper and, as a consequence, aggression can also be recognized by observing a person from the outside. Processes that involve a large number of participants focused on themselves and their own line of behavior are very informative, that is, non-team social processes. For example, you will learn a lot about your companion by observing him as a participant in public traffic. Look how he drives the car. If he is nervous, swears, jerks from row to row, always tries to be the first at a traffic light, “cuts off” neighboring cars, we can say with a 99% probability that in family life he will behave in exactly the same way. Here is a quick-tempered, hot-tempered, aggressive person for whom those around him are second-class citizens. The attitude towards them will be appropriate.

Criticism and perfectionism. Excessive demands on yourself and others

There is neither fire nor evil in hell for perfectionists. There are only slightly asymmetrical chipped cauldrons there.

Try to pay attention to howcriticalHumanin relation toto myself andto others. It is quite possible that the desire to bring everything to perfection is just a mask behind which lies excessive perfectionism. And constant criticism of everything around is an indicator low self-esteem and self-doubt.

After all, who is a perfectionist? Essentially this is a child who was unloved in childhood, who had to achieve parental love with perfect homework, clean floors and immaculately carved crafts. Growing up, perfectionists, who, alas, have not found another way of recognition, continue to strive for ideality and demand ideality from the person next to them. Sometimes a perfectionist's desire for ideals turns relationships into torture. Because they can exert enormous psychological pressure on their partner, justifying their actions with seemingly noble statements from the series “I just want it to be beautiful/correct/ideal.” Perfectionists and critics constantly try to “improve” their family members, gradually instilling in them the idea that they are not “good enough” before. And although it is possible to fight manifestations of hyperperfectionism, it is very difficult.

Decency

The attitude of a decent person towards the people around him is based onthe principle of mutual exchange - “you cannot only take or only give.” A nature whose life rules lie in this plane will always repay debts and will not be afraid to borrow money if loved ones need it. He will not only accept help, but also show an independent desire to help, that is, the balance of selfishness and altruism in a decent person is almost ideal.

In addition, about How decent a person your companion is can be judged by his loyalty to the word. Decent people either keep their promises or don't make them at all. This also includes selfish lies. If you have witnessed a lie that your relationship partner is telling someone around you, be on your guard! He will most likely lie within his own family.

Vulnerability

Degree vulnerability a partner is determined by how a person reacts to barbs addressed to him - indifferently or painfully cowering.

It is clear that you should not give yourself offense and that you should protect the one who is nearby if he is not able to protect himself. For example, a man who stands up for a woman evokes approval and support. However, there are situations when no one planned to attack, but the person came up with it himself and was offended. The excessive vulnerability of one of the partners sometimes results in a state of constant tension in the couple, since there is always a fear in the air of saying something “wrong” to such a sissy and getting into another scandal with elements of hysteria. Moreover, sometimes even an innocent joke can serve as a signal for offense. A very good level of vulnerability manifests itself when a person is in the center of attention. Allow yourself a bold joke at the expense of your partner, and by how adequate his reaction is, you can judge his vulnerability.

Vulnerability, in turn, is closely related to a person’s self-esteem. In order to evaluate the chosen one according to this criterion, you need to monitor his reaction to praise. WITH he will say thank you and smile - a sign of healthy self-esteem, he will begin to make excuses and assure that there is nothing to praise him for, or he will smugly raise his eyebrow, taking kind words for granted - signs of low self-esteem. Need I say that in living together it is easier to communicate and negotiate with people with normal self-esteem? Because people with low self-esteem are characterized by touchiness, temper and perfectionism. And in a relationship, they most often need a nanny, whose meaning in life is to feel sorry for and help the innocent victim of life’s circumstances. And people with high self-esteem do not need a wife, but a fan. People with an abnormal level of self-esteem resist building partnerships, not allowing their partner to become on the same level with them. They need to stand either a little lower or a little higher. In both cases, the one who is told which step to take suffers more. In healthy relationships, people stand on the same level and do not try to consciously or even unconsciously manipulate each other.

Having determined person's character, then it is useful to find out what kind of life goals, interests, what he wants to get from the relationship. Therefore, when communicating, it is important be silent anymoreask more questions listen and watch! It is especially important to pay attention to the contradictions in your views on life and in the system of your and his values, because conflicts in this area will sooner or later appear. And do not rush to justify the gentleman you like, turning a blind eye to emerging shortcomings. Remember, everything that your chosen one does in relation to the environment, he will later broadcast within your union, in relation to you and your children!

Well, at the same time, do not forget about objectivity! If a person has demonstrated certain signs of deviation from the norm, for example, a temper has appeared, this does not mean that the relationship should be given up! There are no ideal people, but everyone has flaws. It’s just that in some cases they are insignificant and can be corrected, while in others they are incorrigible and clearly destructive. For example, the same hot temper in itself is just a character trait, and not a reason to run away from a man. A person can have a hot temperament and be impulsive, but at the same time he will never allow himself to show aggression towards a woman. It's one thing to vehemently criticize a politician on TV, and another to raise your voice at family members.

How to find this line between a slight tilt towards abnormality and a complete lack of chances for healthy partnerships can be read in the following chapters of the book “Illusions in Relationships”.

Why does a woman raise children, cook food, wash and iron, keep the house in order, work, look good, etc. etc., but does the man EARN MONEY? And this, in fact, is where his direct responsibilities seem to end. I will not stomp my feet, wave my arms and shout loudly “Give me equality!” But where is the simple and natural, in my opinion, desire to support and help a loved one, take on some of these tedious household chores?

I asked this question out loud, and my friends asked it. We never received a clear answer other than “I make money” and “I’m tired at work” from our men.

I am ready to understand and accept this state of affairs, but I would like to hear clear arguments. After all, a woman also gets tired at work and also earns money. And if a woman is a housewife, she cannot take a break from her housework even on weekends, and no one will give her vacation.

I would really like to teach some men to help their better halves restore and maintain order. But I’m sure THIS IS USELESS, because a woman’s idea of order is significantly different from a man’s vision of this problem.

It seems to me that we can teach a small child to put things in order, to be neat, to value comfort and cleanliness, because kids are still just getting a taste of the world, they are still just forming an idea of the beautiful and the ugly, the bad and the good, the right and the not so good. We instill in them an idea of how we think things should be, and we teach them to structure their lives, their actions, and their relationships in such a way as to achieve these ideals.

An adult man has already formed a holistic picture of the world, connections, and concepts. An adult man lives his life according to this picture. Therefore, the most pointless activity is to re-educate and remake a man. This means that don’t wait for that happy moment (or maybe not so happy) when a man learns to restore and maintain order.

Sometimes it seems to me that the ability to throw socks around is passed down through the male line as some kind of hereditary disease, or that a father teaches this to his growing son in a confidential half-whisper.

Unfortunately, the tendency towards clutter is not limited to scattered socks. As soon as an item ceases to be of value, the man leaves it right there, without even bothering to think that it would be nice to put this item back in its place. Some men manage to create complete chaos out of nothing. Let me make a reservation right away: NOT ALL, but according to my observations, very many.

At the beginning of life together, such flaws seem quite harmless, and most girls hope that they will definitely teach their man to maintain the order they, the girls, created. Some even naively believe that their man is not like that at all. And men even honestly try to live up to expectations. But, It’s impossible to live up to anyone’s expectations your entire life..

If you make a list of the reasons why women put things in order, it becomes obvious why, in principle, you shouldn’t expect this from a man:

The woman understands that clean air is good for the health of both children and adults.

In the mind of a man, it is useful for him to go to the bathhouse and fully relax in front of the TV or computer, and for children it is useful to spend time with their grandmothers in the country. But clean air is not a vitamin, and it’s difficult to assess the cleanliness of air without special instruments.

We try to keep the house in order, because our mothers raised us that way: “you’re a girl, and a girl’s everything should be neat.” It turns out that no one expects order and cleanliness from the boy. And children, as we know from psychology, try to live up to expectations.
For a woman, order is beautiful, cozy, comfortable. Men’s idea of beauty is significantly different from ours, and in a clean apartment they don’t find anything particularly beautiful (and in general they don’t find anything in a clean apartment, because “now everything has been put away in some unknown place”).
For a woman, order, coziness, comfort in the presence of children, work, personal grooming and a long list of hobbies are a reason to be proud of oneself and brag to friends and not so acquaintances.

The reasons for pride and for “bragging off” for men are more significant than our properly organized dressing room and clean baseboards.

Keeping the home, along with everything that is included in this hearth, is, after all, the prerogative of a woman. And we have to do it because we have to. And the man gets the mammoth. And even if a woman is also not the worst hunter, no one will relieve her of household duties.
We understand that we can instill in our children a desire (and perhaps even love) for order only through our own example, and we try our best to make this example as clear as possible. Men, on the other hand, do not pay attention to such trifles in matters of education and believe that the child should simply be obedient (that is, the child should put away toys just because he was told to do so).
We don’t have enough time and nerves to run around the apartment for two hours looking for a hat, a pot, beads, etc., so we try to properly and conveniently organize the space around us. For a man, a missing hat is unlikely to cause hysterics, especially since we will still have to look for the lost thing.
And also, why do something that others will probably do for you?

Personally, I see only three options for the development of events:

accept everything as it is and don’t try to change anything;
quarrel for a long time, sort things out and, ultimately, break up;
make a list of tasks that will be under the responsibility of your man, and, as a matter of principle, do not do this work yourself under any circumstances.

I would call the first option the wisest. Although personally I am more satisfied with the third, and periodically with the second.

The fact that men are not as “decent” as women has its advantages, although very few: if a man is not such a neat person, he is unlikely to notice our small flaws and disorder, if we suddenly did not have time to do something or did not wanted to do it.

Congratulate your wonderful men on the holiday! Learn to see their best qualities in them, as it was at the very beginning of your acquaintance!

Our beloved, smart, strong, reliable men who know how to amuse and please us, always remain the same! Just please put your dirty socks in the laundry basket, at least sometimes!