The psychology of gift giving. Gift psychology. Gift language. What to give kinesthetics, visuals, auditory, discretes. The nature of tradition in terms of psychology

The role of the gift in modern world special. Not fitting into the framework of rational economic behavior based on the principle of mutual benefit, it has become for us a symbol of selfless love or simply friendly disposition. However, this view is rather far from the truth: in reality, the relationship between the giver and the one to whom he presents his gift always involves some form of reciprocity.

At the beginning of the last century, the French ethnologist Marcel Mauss made an attempt to study the practice of exchanging gifts in archaic societies. His observations, which compiled the famous Essay on the Gift in 1925, are still relevant today: they help to understand the essence of the New Year's Eve "gift bacchanalia" that makes us spend long hours buying countless souvenirs and languish in queues for tables. gift wrapping. By analogy with “kula” (a gift exchange system in the New Zealand Maori tribe) or with “potlatch” (its equivalent among North American Indians), buying gifts for relatives and friends, we, in fact, enter into a “voluntary-compulsory exchange” relationship: we give partly because we want it ourselves, and partly because tradition pushes us to do so. Moss found that each of us has a triple obligation: to give gifts, to accept them (to reject a gift is to inflict severe offense on the giver), and to return a gift with a gift, thereby ensuring the stability of the relationship.

About it

• Marcel Moss. Society. Personality. Exchange. Works on social anthropology. Eastern Literature RAS, 1996.
• Anna Fenko. People and money. Class, 2005.

Reciprocal gesture

A direct prototype of a gift is the act of giving food to a child by a mother. The baby is not able to offer a return gift - he can give her only positive emotions, because the very fact of his existence is already a reason for maternal happiness. Consequently, good gift must, like its prototype, satisfy the innermost needs of the one to whom it is intended. “Ideally, a gift is a direct antithesis of barter,” comments psychoanalyst Marina Harutyunyan. - This is a gratuitous manifestation of love, affection and attention. However, in the process of development of social and interpersonal relations, it inevitably acquires various pragmatic functions. The extreme manifestation of this tendency is a bribe: it can also be qualified as a kind of gift, which is presented with a specific purpose - to win over to one's side.

Even without directly expecting to receive some object or service in return for our gift, we unwittingly put the recipient in the position of a debtor. Unconsciously, we hope for some kind of reciprocal gesture on his part. “A gift always contains a certain message,” explains psychologist Anna Fenko. – To accept it means to accept the proposed relationship. As an adequate response to a gift, not only a counter gift can be considered, but also, for example, a feeling of gratitude or dependence felt by the one who receives this gift. This reaction ultimately boosts the giver's self-esteem." “Regardless of our conscious intentions, any gift includes two components: emotional and pragmatic,” adds Marina Harutyunyan. - If the first of them is a sincere manifestation of our love, generosity, desire to see the joy of the addressee, the second personifies the desire for power, self-assertion or even bribery. Both of these impulses are always present, but their proportions will be very different in different gifts, and their correlation can be understood only in the context of specific relationships.

Gift soul

In addition to the pragmatic and emotional gift has another function - magical. In the heyday of psychoanalysis, Marcel Mauss made the most important discovery: according to the ideas of our ancestors, gifts have a soul. So, the New Zealand Maori believe that every gift carries "mana" - a piece of the soul of the giver. For all their archaism, these ideas have not lost their power over us to this day. Any, even an insignificant present, with an invisible thread, connects us with the one to whom we give it. “A gift is not just an item meant for someone else. It emphasizes the uniqueness of this person, multiplies the image of the giver, reinforces the uniqueness of their relationship,” says psychologist and teacher Tatyana Babushkina. Perhaps that is why folk tradition and did not allow it to be evaluated - “one does not look a gift horse in the mouth” - and tabooed its further transmission - “one does not give a gift”. Any gift magically takes on a part of the being of the giver and draws him into the fate of another person - his addressee.

• What holiday are you dreaming about?
• Does it please you New Year?
• Are you good at giving gifts?

New Year's Truce

"New Year - family celebration“We have known about this since childhood. It is at this time that we dream of family harmony, warm relations with relatives. Of course, our mutual conflicts do not disappear these days, but seem to fade into the background. And here the exchange of New Year's greetings plays a special role: with its help, we can try to strengthen our ties. New Year's holidays - the time of maximum concentration of gifts - provide us with a chance in the most comfortable and careful way to tell loved ones about our desires, hopes and preferences associated with our relationship. “A gift can serve as a hint,” says Anna Fenko. “For example, opening up the possibilities of a new activity for a person: a tennis racket, a fishing rod, a microscope or rollers... The number of semantic nuances that we can express through a presentation is almost unlimited.”

Another feature new year holidays is that we give congratulations and gifts even to those with whom we communicate extremely rarely - sometimes once a year. Why is it so important to congratulate not only loved ones, but also distant ones on the holiday? “The New Year is a great opportunity to “legitimately” gather around us everyone we want to see,” Marina Harutyunyan explains. - This is an occasion to feel that you have family, relatives, friends. At least once a year, we can clearly define the circle of our communication: everyone you congratulate on the New Year, to whom you send postcards or electronic greetings, enters your life, and this circle may include the most distant acquaintances. New Year's greetings- a kind of register of our interpersonal communication: we mark for ourselves those who are dear and important to us, and remind them of ourselves. This is a confirmation of one’s own existence in the memory space of other people.”

New Years are the days when the symbolic language of gifts is heard the loudest. Listening to our own desires and trying to understand the feelings of others, during this period we get a rare opportunity to express ourselves and at the same time, by making something pleasant close, resolve or at least smooth out many of the problems that exist in our life. How exactly we will manage this unique chance depends only on ourselves.

"The worst gift of my life..."

Angela, 24 years old“At the institute, I was very worried about my fullness, and now for my birthday, best friend gave me... a course of diet pills. In front of everyone, with a witty, as it seemed to her, commentary. And at that moment I wanted to fall underground from shame and resentment.

Vyacheslav, 38 years old“My mother-in-law once brought me a calendar from Greece with images on ancient vases. It was all erotic scenes. I don’t know if she wanted to hint in this way that I’m too busy with work and don’t satisfy her daughter as a man, or it was a form of female coquetry, but her gift seemed just boorish to me.

Ekaterina, 36 years old“For the New Year, my now ex-husband gave me a wonderful blue pendant. I was so happy! And then his sister unwrapped her gift. These were the earrings that came with it! I ran to cry in another room. It seems to me that from that day on, everything went wrong with him and me. ”

Julia, 21 years old « Elder sister gave me a beautiful silver wallet for my birthday. It would seem great, only two years earlier I gave it to her daughter for her eighth birthday. My sister really hurt me with her act. It's a pity that I still can't tell her about it."

Oksana, 35 years old“When I was 10 years old, shortly before the New Year, I got lice. Mom shaved my head herself, and then Santa Claus came and gave me a beautiful package ... with very beautiful hair clips. I sobbed terribly. I still don’t understand how she could do this to me…”

Galina, 43 years old“I was 37 and my husband had just left me. I was very worried about this and decided to celebrate the New Year with my parents. Usually they gave me something useful, but this time they gave me… an hourglass. “Yes, yes,” my mother told me, “this is so that you do not forget how quickly time flies.”

Main secret

“A gift says much more about us than many of our actions,” says psychologist and teacher Tatyana Babushkina*. - It comes from the deepest essence of a person, requires from him the excess of the soul. And the more it is, the more amazing the gift itself. Its main secret is not that the soul of a gift is akin to two human souls at once - the giver and the one to whom the gift is intended. And not even that the very process of giving sometimes brings more joy than receiving it. Its main secret is that a true gift is not invented, but it happens that it enters the soul of the giver as inspiration, without any reason. And its true meaning sometimes comes to us after many years.

• Tatyana Babushkina. What is stored in the pockets of childhood. September 1st, 2005.

3. Freud, M. Mead, and I. Goethe also contributed to understanding the essence of the gift. We can say that today the gift theory is a separate science. It has nothing to do with etiquette, or with new forms of giving, or with a change in the assortment of gifts, or with the usefulness or uselessness of a gift. But only with the psychology of the giver and recipient of the gift. The pleasure of giving is no less than the joy of receiving a gift. We all love it, but it turns out we do it differently - depending on which psychological type relate.

Each person can be defined as an introvert and an extrovert, as choleric, sanguine, phlegmatic or melancholic. But there is another gradation, even more suitable for the theory and practice of the gift: kinesthetics - those who perceive the world "by touch", visuals - for them, the main thing is visual perception, auditory- it is important for them to hear others and discretes - people are "snails" trying to isolate themselves from the world.

The most common type of person is kinesthetics(40% of the population). Psychologists say that it is easy to recognize them: the gestures of these people are directed towards themselves, during communication they may not look at the interlocutor, but will constantly touch him with their hand. It seems to them that in this way they control attention to themselves. Usually kinesthetics are very affectionate and sensitive people, excellent family men and reliable friends. In the manifestation of feelings, they are open, 70% of kinesthetics are extroverts.

Ideal gifts for kinesthetics - warm clothes, directly and figuratively of this word: a sweater (ideally if you knit it yourself), a cake (homemade), a candle in a wooden or ceramic candlestick or a lamp in warm red and yellow colors.

Unwanted gifts: gloves - they block communication with the world and with you; pictures - occupy the attention of the owners only for a few minutes; everything that is made of glass, iron and other cold metals.

visualsalso a fairly common group - 30%. For these people, the main contact with merum - visual. The visual looks the interlocutor in the eyes and demands the same from him. He is sure that he is listened to only when they look at him. Visuals do not tolerate touches, let alone hugs, as well as anything that violates their personal space. Often they seem to be arrogant snobs, although this is not always the case.

People of this type are great connoisseurs of art, so the thing for them should be, first of all, beautiful and refined; the practical benefit of it is less appreciated by the visual. It is better to choose a gift for such a person in art salons, where you can find a truly rare, exclusive thing. By the way, the visual will like the camera and other photographic accessories.

Discretsmake up only 20% of the population. Difficult, completely closed type of people with certain complexes. They are afraid of communication and subconsciously cut their ties with the world. Great chess players and research scientists come out of this type of people, they are collected and accurate, but extremely sensitive. They hate it when their personal life is touched upon in a conversation; they are highly emotional and painfully vulnerable. A gift of a personal nature, such as perfume or a razor, will also offend them, you should also not give them a phone, a pager, etc. It is better to present sweets and fruits, art albums or knitting threads.

And finally, the rarest type of person - auditory(10%). As the name implies, auditory people perceive the world mainly by ear. Representatives of this group have surprisingly sharp hearing and excellent memory. They are excellent listeners, remembering the smallest details of the story, but are offended if they are interrupted. Talented musicians and teachers are made from people of this type. Of course, the best gift for an audiophile is cassettes (CDs) with your favorite music or mechanisms for listening to music - a player, a tape recorder, a musiccenter, radio. But video cassettes or alarm clocks should not be given to them.

And now let's consider different types donor. The study of the French culturologist Marcel Mauss "An Essay on the Gift" is curious. In his opinion, the gift is not the thing itself, but rather the person who presents it, that is, the gift contains a particle of the essence of the donor, his sacred power. And therefore, this is “not selfless self-denial, but a gesture of expansion”, the expansion of a person beyond his own “personal” limits. To bring a gift means to convey a part of your "I". The connection through gifts in all cultures is a material expression of the connection of souls.

It is undeniable that an unrequited gift enslaves the one who received it, makes it dependent on the donor. Let us turn to the literature that has warned against the expansion of gifts since ancient times. Trojan horse donated by the Achaeans, and popular expression: "Fear the Danes who bring gifts." Pandora's box containing disease, famine and disaster was hers. wedding gift. In Pushkin's "The Tale of the Golden Cockerel" the gift of the sorcerer turned into the collapse of both the kingdom and the king. In Russian fairy tales, the wizard often asked for a trifling gift for his service - "something that you do not know at home." And consent to such an exchange turned into the need to give the sorcerer nothing less than a newborn son-heir.

The same expansion is shown by the gifts of lovers, although they entail completely different consequences. Undoubtedly, expensive gifts oblige to prolong the relationship, but at the same time they say: in the future, this sweet captivity promises continued pleasure, and not dull everyday life.

The desire of a lover to enslave, conquer and bind to himself through gifts is so touching and charming that it fascinates us. But be careful of the giver. What exactly is he telling you with his gift?

It happens, as in the English rhyme "Three gifts",doom is a test that requires endurance:

Half a dozen pins I present to you

And be my wife

I humbly ask you.

I hope you go

Dance with me, dance with me

And be my wife!

The gift was rejected. But the cavalier resumed his attempts:

Crystal bell I give you, my friend, When you wake up at night, Wake up your servants.

The chorus is the same, and again - refusal. And a new present:

I brought you a ring, the last gift of love, - A diamond ring and a velvet case.

This offering was again followed by an offerhand and heart. And the intractable lady agreed. But the lover didn't stand the test yeahramie, and the groom refused her. However, he lostpatron - he was overwhelmed by his own gloating, delight from a correctly set trap, and he I forgot what it was all about. Think it's wrongthe bride who came was very lucky: what kind of traps does she need?lila living together with such a person? Or take an example from Andersen's story "Swineherd". The princess could not read the queensgifts - rose and nightingale deep authentic prince's feelings. And therefore did not appreciate any gifts, nor a young man. The limit of her desires were craftsnopasa - a pot, a ratchet, and in order to get them,she was ready to pay him with kisses. Than finishthe story went on, you remember - the princess remained on beans. But something else is important for us: we need not onlyencrypt which Message is encoded in the gift, but also to understand how your beloved accepts gifts, whether he is able to appreciate them. This will tell you: have you found your soul mate or is it better to limit yourself flirting with an easy future.

The New Year is approaching, which means it's time to give gifts. So many people on the eve of the holiday experience constant anxiety about what to give. Deep down in our hearts, we are afraid to give a bad gift, because it's not so much about the gift itself, but about what kind of reaction it will cause. There are people who will be delighted with any little thing according to the principle "not a gift is important, but attention." There are those who will be dissatisfied in any case. A real gift is when the giver thought about you and chose something that will please you. So, what makes sense to consider, from the point of view of psychology, in order to make a good gift.

1. Psychotype. If you did not know, then we are all divided into 3 psychotypes according to the way we perceive information. What kind of type in front of you can be understood by watching how a person gets used to a new subject or by listening to what words in his speech sound most often. "Visual" perceives information with the eyes, uses words like “see, beautiful, colorful” and first carefully studies the subject. It is better for him to give interior items and simply outwardly beautiful things. "Audial" better perceives information by ear and asks to talk about the subject, uses the words “hear, loud, melodious”. You can give him tickets to a concert or a new audiobook. "Kinesthetics" perceive the world through sensations. They immediately begin to turn the object in their hands, to feel. In speech, they rely on descriptions of sensations: “I feel, warmly, softly.” For them the best gifts- pleasant to the touch or smell.

2. Temperament. Cholerics are temperamental, impulsive and often unbalanced people. Non-standard gifts, perhaps bright colors or with sound effects, are suitable for them. Sanguine- people are active and sociable. They will appreciate exclusive items and gifts hand made, as well as certificates for active entertainment (playing mafia or flying in a wind tunnel). Phlegmatic- calm and conservative, in a gift they appreciate, first of all, practicality: high-quality clothes, household appliances, interior items. For melancholic, people who are sensitive, withdrawn and often touchy, the necessary and useful things will also do, but they should be more personal: a rare book, a leather purse, tickets for a chamber concert.

3. Settings. One and the same thing, depending on the inner mood of a person, can be perceived in different ways: a new slow cooker can be enthusiastically accepted by a lover of cooking and offend a woman who has been married for a long time, as it will be perceived as a wish to cook more and better. A lover of taking care of himself will gladly receive a new cologne, and a work colleague may perceive such a gift as a hint of a bad smell. If there are superstitious people among your acquaintances, be sure to take this into account and do not give certain items as gifts so as not to unsettle them for a long time (for example, it is believed that giving sharp objects is a conflict, and yellow flowers- to separation).

The ability to choose and give gifts is a very valuable quality of a person. Guess secret desires, find really interesting and useful thing difficult. Intuition and the ability to listen to yourself are your best assistants in choosing a gift.

Exchanging gifts can show what people think of others, what they value and love, and how they build and maintain relationships. Researchers study various aspects of gifts, such as how givers choose gifts, how gifts are used by recipients, and how gifts can affect the relationship between givers and recipients.

The Psychology of Gift Giving and Receiving symposium will be held as part of the Society for Personal and Social Psychology Annual Convention in Long Beach, California.

Problems of "picky" recipients

According to a recent survey, people are becoming more selective about what they would like to receive as a gift. Researchers Andong Cheng, Meg Malow, and Evan Polman surveyed 7,466 Christmas sale shoppers in 2013. They found that 39% of the items the shoppers surveyed purchased were for people they consider "choosy". While most of us can shop for gifts for picky friends, we know very little about how people go about finding gifts for a picky user.

Cheng and her colleagues confirmed that shoppers are less motivated and are likely to use effort-reducing strategies when choosing gifts for people they think might be picky. Givers lately opt for gift cards, or refuse a gift for a picky recipient altogether.

According to research, there are positive aspects to being picky: if you have specific desires, you are more likely to get the gift you want. Less picky people have a higher chance of getting items they don't want, while picky recipients are more likely to get what they need.

Perceptions of gift cards

Choosing a gift can be very difficult, and if you give money, such a gift will be considered impersonal. Chelsea Helion and Tomas Gilovich study how people perceive and spend gift cards.

Lead researcher Chelsea Helion explains: “While gift cards can technically be used to buy everyday items like textbooks or paper towels, we would rather take it as an abuse of the map. When paying with a gift card, people refuse to buy household items in favor of buying some pleasant little things.

A study by Helion and her colleagues found that when people receive a card as a gift, they are more likely to plan to buy some luxury item with it that is meant to bring pleasure, compared to using credit cards or cash for purchases. When people receive a gift card instead of cash as a gift, they feel empowered to buy something out of the ordinary.

According to Helion, recipients use gift cards to "gift" themselves the items they are in. normal conditions would not buy. “We believe this is because people experience less guilt when paying with a gift card compared to credit cards or cash,” Gelion says.

Individual gifts: good or bad?

Givers tend to choose gifts that are personalized to the recipient but less versatile than what the recipient would like to receive, according to new research by Mary Steffel, Elanor Williams and Robin LeBeouf.

This discrepancy arises because givers tend to focus on the recipients' stable traits rather than their spontaneous and actual wants and needs. "Givers tend to focus on who the recipients are instead of what they want as a gift. This can lead them to buy gifts that are personalized but not very versatile," says lead researcher Mary Steffel.

The tendency to choose gifts that are too specific can lead to the gift not being used and just gathering dust on the shelf. "Recipients take longer to think about how to spend gift cards that can only be used in a specific store or that include multiple options for how they should be used than gift cards that can be used anywhere. Givers are unaware of this and prefer hand out specific cards," Steffel said.

Material gifts or adventures?

People often have agonizing trouble choosing a gift for their friends, resulting in a huge number of wish lists, top 10 gift lists, and online gift recommendations that aim to improve your relationship with the gift recipient. Researchers Cindy Chan and Cassie Mogilner offer a simple, easy-to-follow guide: “To make your friend, spouse, or family member feel closer to you, give them an experience,” says Chan.

Experiments to investigate real and hypothetical gift exchanges in real life show that gifted experiences can improve relationships far more than material gifts, whether the gift is used together or not.

According to a study by Chan and Mogilner, improved relationships with recipients of experience gifts are the result of emotions experienced when using a gift, and not at the time of receiving it. Gifted experiences are thus a very effective form of investment in interpersonal relationships, and can have a greater impact on improving the relationship between the giver and the recipient.

Literature:

• "Picking Gifts for Picky People: Strategies and Outcomes" Andong Cheng, Meg Meloy, Evan Polman
• "Giver-Recipient Discrepancies Contribute to Gift Card Non-Redemption" Mary Steffel, Elanor F. Williams, Robyn A. LeBoeuf
• "Mental Accounting and Gift Card Spending" Chelsea Helion, Thomas D. Gilovich
• "Experiential Gifts Foster Stronger Relationships Than Material Gifts" Cindy Chan, Cassie Mogilner

The psychology of a gift exists, whether we think about it or not. Why does the approach of the Christmas holidays make many nervous and worried? One of my acquaintances is experiencing genuine anxiety about this, thinking about upcoming gifts. “My sister and son-in-law are impossible to please, I can see their pursed lips when they look at my gift.”

Doesn't being able to give gifts make us happy? After all, the Bible tells us that it is more blessed to give than to receive. Of course, psychologically, at least, it is a little more difficult.

Gift Psychology

Psychologists assure that the gifts that you find under the tree are not just gifts, but symbolic markers. Yes, you understood correctly - these are symbols of relationships and personality. Gifts are one of the ways in which the attitude of the giver towards us is transmitted. Of course, a gift reveals not only the attitude towards us, but also represents the character and thinking of the giver. This is the psychology of the gift.

Christmas gifts make us anxious, not only because it's a revelation, but also because it's a gift exchange. We are afraid to give and receive bad gift. This is what psychologists call " dark side gift." Psychologists have found that people are much more controversial when it comes to gifts than one might think at first glance. The most interesting thing is not that the gift is bad or good, but how people react to it.

The symbolic side of the gift

The symbolic side of gifts is both light and dark side simultaneously. One of the daughters spoke of her mother: “I have a whole shelf of my mother’s sweaters in my closet, and they are all in pink or green. And each one is a reminder of how much she hates the way I dress. They are like motherly reproaches. That's gift psychology in action.

It turns out that men and women react differently to bad gifts, especially in the context of intimate relationships. Good gift confirms the compatibility of partners: if you are happily married, your spouse always “knows” what exactly you want. So: men are more likely to rebuild their vision of relationships in response to a bad gift. Women are more likely to downplay a bad gift and seek to neutralize the threat that a bad gift poses to their relationship.

A genuine gift is when the giver thought of you and of giving you pleasure. But sometimes the psychology of a gift manifests itself in a different way: when a gift satisfies the ambitions and desires of the giver himself and has nothing to do with the one to whom it is intended. In this case, a person gives items without thinking whether the gift is suitable for the recipient.

But perhaps the worst kind of giver are those who know how to manipulate the symbolic nature of the gift. These people understand the kinds of gifts that can cause us pain and disappointment. Consciously or unconsciously, they choose gifts that do just that. Here is the story of one woman