Are all wives happy about their husband's success? Women's fears. Psychology Husband envies his wife's success at work Orthodoxy

I am 46 years old, I have been living with my husband for 24 years, we have two children. My husband does not have a higher education and is very simple work, which does not give him any growth or development, and for 50 years he himself endlessly talks about how he has achieved nothing. I successfully work in government agencies. Three years ago I became a manager, my life became rich and successful - presentations, conferences, various awards, etc. Every successful step I take causes my husband to have an attack of aggression. And then more. He started looking through my Cell Phones, call back some numbers. Knowing how painfully he experiences my visits to public events, I have limited communication to a minimum, going only to places where it is simply impossible not to go. I don’t communicate with my friends, at 18:00, on weekends I’m at home, despite the fact that I need time for meetings at work and the work itself, which I love very much.
If I'm at an evening event, I ask him to pick me up so he can see who I'm with and where I am. But here in last time, I did the same, asked him to come for me. But he was again in a hysterical state, rushing like crazy, eventually flew off the road and crashed the car (thank God he was not injured). Yesterday I was presented with a state award. And my husband threw me into hysterics, inventing a non-existent story that I was dating some man, and this man himself told him that “I’m very good woman". I was shocked, and then he himself admitted that he just wanted to let me down. To my attempts to reason with him, he replied that I always make a fool and an idiot out of him. Of course, “you’re the smartest.” After that I went to a psychiatrist, who told me that it was hopeless, I needed to leave. But for me, in fact, family is all I live for. What should I do?

Irina, neither you nor your husband are crazy, and therefore you both definitely have nothing to do with a psychotherapist.
You yourself understand perfectly well what hurts your spouse so much: you are successful, but he is not - this is not just envy, it is also anger, and resentment at fate, and, most importantly, the feeling of being not a man, not the head of the family , a non-breadwinner. All this is a blow to male pride. But all this is very logical and justified, and therefore there is no need to talk about mental deviations. All ridiculous stories and jealousy are a psychological defense against the awareness of one’s own inadequacy.
Here main question"What to do?". Answer: increase your husband’s self-esteem and his importance. First, sex - show him that he is a sex giant, how good you feel with him, that he is simply super, that everything about him is big and strong (no matter how vulgar it may be, this is what strengthens men’s faith in themselves and This is where you need to start.) Secondly, constantly emphasize, and preferably publicly, the importance of your husband’s work in the house (all the nails are hammered, the curtains are hung...), share work situations with your husband in detail and ask for advice (they say, only he can be trusted). Thirdly, ask him to help you, tell him that you can’t do without his help, let him do something (get him some work). In general, think and fantasize. After all, your husband is really in critical condition now, and all these tricks will help both him and your family. And she is really strong, since you have been together for so many years.

Davedyuk Elena Pavlovna, psychologist in St. Petersburg

Irina, hello!
You and your husband are already quite adults with a long history of relationships. It’s difficult in such a situation to try to remake yourself, to perceive each other in a new way, to try to write your life according to a new script...
But at the same time, the question is - what do you think, when your husband is jealous of you, envies your success at work - what is his main need? What worries him about this?
That you will start earning money and begin to wonder if you need it? Or you will start communicating with many interesting people, you will have new interests, hobbies... Will you get bored with him and will you spend less time with your family?
Perhaps behind all this behavior of your husband there is not so much a desire to assert himself in front of you, but a fear of losing you, of feeling lonely and unnecessary. And behind the desire to devalue your achievements is disappointment over missed opportunities.
Therefore - in short - How can you reduce the tension in your relationship with your husband?
Let your husband know that he is important to you . That you value him, first of all, not so much for whether he has success, but for (fill in what is necessary here)..
Think if there is something like that Why do you definitely respect your husband? .. and what is personally valuable to you. Maybe this is not so significant compared to the achievements of other people... but personally, you respect him for this and are grateful to him.
Next, listen to yourself and try to understand How do you feel in this relationship? - what would you like from your husband and what you may be missing out on.
In your case, this may be a desire for support, joy for your successes, interest in what is important to you, what you do... Say (if so) that you want your husband to share your successes with you and be proud of you... that (perhaps) he is the support in life thanks to which you were able to achieve so much.
If these words resonate with you, then you have quite a lot of chances to make your relationship more harmonious.
Sincerely,

Smirnova Irina Fedorovna, psychologist in Minsk or via Skype

Hello Irina!

Each spouse should have their own life, which brings them pleasure and joy. gives energy. Then there will be a healthy basis for mutual exchange within the couple. You have such a life, but your husband does not. You try to minimize your activities and contacts, but this does not add to your husband’s satisfaction with his life.

Your task is to motivate your husband to search for sources of energy in his own life. And at 50, a lot can change. A person himself is responsible for everything that happens in his life. If you don't like the job, you need to look for another one. If additional knowledge is needed. then you have to go get them. You can look for interests and hobbies that will bring you satisfaction and a sense of self-fulfillment. In any case, he needs to change something in his life. Otherwise, with his behavior he will continue to drag you down, and you will ultimately be faced with a choice - personal growth or family.

Stolyarova Marina Valentinovna, consulting psychologist, St. Petersburg

Our women's site "Beautiful and Successful" is always ready to give advice, how to succeed, become better, improve and cause admiration in the eyes of men! But what to do if success has come, life makes you happy? pleasant surprises, everything is going as well as possible, but... all this and he can’t just be sincerely happy for his beloved wife?! Let's figure it out!

Why do men envy women?

In fact, if a husband is jealous of his wife, you shouldn’t immediately start a scandal on the topic “Ahh, what kind of womanish behavior, real men don't envy women! They are jealous.

But if he is a real man, he will not show it, because he is well brought up. In reality, 99% of men have stereotypes firmly in their heads that are very difficult to banish!

The main stereotype is that a woman should not be more successful than her man. Or rather, on the contrary, he a man simply must be at least a little more successful than a woman!

And if at a certain moment in life this is not the case, then the husband begins to feel like a complete loser (even if he is still far from being a real loser!). Hence the envy. This envy cannot be called unconstructive - it is in male nature!

The man begins to feel that he ceases to be support and hope for his beloved wife, it seems to him that he will no longer be able to protect, save and help her, because she is able to solve all the problems herself, without him... And this is very bad for relationships!

But this type of envy can be called “healthy” - as a rule, it encourages a man to do something to become more successful himself.

There is another stereotype that awakens “unhealthy” envy, which is difficult to get rid of and even more difficult to channel into a creative direction. This stereotype “Women have an easier life”. It’s easier to get a job, it’s easier to gain the respect and admiration of others, to “earn the trust” of to the right people etc.

This opinion usually arises among real losers - simply lazy people who want to somehow justify their own idleness and reluctance to change something in life for the better.

How to stop your husband from being jealous?

I warn you right away. Wrong tactics- timidly look up and say: “What am I doing? And I'm okay! All my successes are complete nonsense, a coincidence and luck that I didn’t even deserve! Of course, of course, everything will definitely be in chocolate, and I will soon receive a blow from fate in the back of the head again!”

Your husband will not stop being jealous, but in this way you are doing yourself a disservice.

• Firstly, you lower your self-esteem and disrupt your mood for success.
• Secondly, you suggest to your husband the easiest way, but not at all The right way get rid of envy: suggest that there is absolutely nothing to envy, the wife has achieved nothing, all her successes are an accident, she doesn’t deserve it...

In fact, envy can become a motivation for a man to active actions and your own achievements! If you hear again from your spouse statements like “You’re lucky, you earn more than me...”, answer like this: “Yes, and it wasn’t easy for me, I have to do this and that, sometimes I get tired... But you can - I I know what a great guy you are!”

But there is another common mistake, making which you can completely discourage an envious husband from conquering any heights!

These are statements like: “Yes, I did it, I achieved success.” , I'm great, but you don't know how to do anything", except to lie on the couch, and nothing will ever work out for you." Wives who often repeat this “spell” have husbands who actually lie on their couches for years and... silently envy!

If a husband is jealous of his wife, then it’s bad for both. Therefore, if you understand that this feeling has crept into your relationship, try... in general, remember this less often and not emphasize your superiority over your husband!

Are you earning more? Don’t yell at the entire supermarket: “No need, I’ll pay for it myself, my salary is not as good as yours!!!”

Just whisper in your ear: “Can I pay? It will be a wonderful dinner! But you are responsible for the restaurant... as much as you can, invite me...".

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You are successful, young and happy. What more could you ask for? Often in such cases, the only thing a woman needs is approval from the man who is nearby. But what should you do if your beloved man not only does not support, but also envies your achievements? In this article we will try to figure out what is the nature of men’s envy of their women? Husband's envy is the topic today.

Husband's envy of his wife's success

Firstly, having realized that your man is jealous of you, there is no need to create a scandal and make claims to the man. A real man, naturally, will not show it. But it is worth remembering that 99% of men have stereotypes firmly fixed in their heads, which are difficult to combat. And the most basic is the stereotype that a woman should not be more successful than her man.

Such envy of a husband is quite natural - it comes from male blood, because he must prevail over a woman. A man is more than offended when he realizes that he can’t protect or help a woman, that she can live peacefully without him and not worry about the future. Such an attitude, forgive the tautology, will have a negative impact on love relationships. Such envy is healthy, because a man is encouraged to change something in order to become more successful himself.

Men also have another stereotype, which, whatever one may say, can lead to unhealthy envy of the husband. When men think that women have an easier life than men.

It is easier for women to find a job, it is easier for them to gain recognition in society, to get a person. This opinion is usually formed by losers, those who justify their own idleness with this. Yes, women achieve a lot with their charm and charisma. But a woman cannot be called more stupid than a man.

It is necessary to wean your husband from the habit of envy. First, let's look at what mistakes women make in an attempt to transform their husband's envy into a positive one, or to eliminate it altogether. Not noticing this envy and being proud of your achievements is wrong.

A man will not stop being jealous, the problem will not be solved. By doing this you will be doing yourself a disservice. You will lower your own self-esteem, and even worse, convince your husband that envy is normal, and that your successes are just an accident. And by transforming your husband’s envy from negative to positive, you will thereby encourage the man to take active action.

When a man says something about your luck and achievements, respond in the following way: “It wasn’t easy for me, sometimes I get so tired! But you can achieve more, I'm sure! I know what a great guy you are!” Sometimes men need more support than even women.

Women often make the mistake of responding to their husband’s claims like this: “I know that everything worked out for me! And you lie on the couch all day, and nothing like this will happen in your life!” Because women are indignant and infuriated by their husband’s behavior, they try to take it out on him, to show their dissatisfaction.

However, with such behavior a woman completely discourages a man from wanting to change something, grow, or achieve something. Hearing such reproaches, men will continue to lie on the couch and envy.

Therefore, having realized that in your family there is envy of your husband for your achievements, it is important not to forget about it, not to consider it a trifle, because both of you are suffering at this moment. Try not to remember your achievements often, and keep silent about them at the right time.

For example, when shopping in a store, pay yourself, after telling the man: “Can I pay? It will be a wonderful dinner! And you will invite me to a restaurant!”

Any woman gets married with the hope that her husband will eventually become an independent, successful and responsible person who can provide her and her family with material well-being. But, having lived next to their husband for several years together, many wives subconsciously begin to fear that life with a successful and independent man may be accompanied by the risk of leaving her alone.

After all, everyone knows that having achieved real success in life, they begin to look for more in relationships with women, they want novelty and acuity of sensations. In most cases, they leave their wives and marry young girls who are actively hunting for rich men. Psychologists say that the presence of this kind of fear in women can become a serious obstacle to their husband’s career path. Next to such wives, a man throughout his life remains at the same level as he had before marriage

Where did it go? limitless strength and energy, which immediately after the wedding “bounced out of him”? Why doesn’t he now believe in himself, in his dreams and doesn’t strive to become successful person? The reason most often lies in the woman he married. Because of the fear of being left alone, she does not allow her husband to develop and cannot achieve success herself. Reading these lines, many women may experience a sharp wave of denial and the thought that the wife cannot be to blame for her husband’s failures; if he was born so “indecisive,” then no one can change him.

If you have such a thought arose, then you can be sure that we have already found one of the main reasons why your husband cannot develop and achieve success in life. The fact is that if a man is constantly told that he is indecisive and incapable of anything, while doing everything himself, without waiting for any action from him, then he will not strive to achieve anything in this life. You just don't give him a chance to succeed.

At first after my wife's wedding They rejoice at their husband’s success, because the fact that he earns well is an excellent opportunity to save for housing, invest in the financial independence of the family and think about the future. Moreover, before the birth of her first child, the wife herself also has the opportunity to work, because of this she feels more confident. But with the birth of a child, the husband pulls ahead, and the wife begins to fear that such successful man Other women may also look at it.

This is where it begins claims addressed to the husband: “Why don’t you devote time to us?”, “You are not interested in our life!”, “You never help me around the house,” and so on. The worst thing is when a wife periodically says to her husband: “You will become rich and find someone else.” In this case, the man really gets tired of his insecure wife and finds a replacement for her. Even if a man remains close to his wife, he will no longer have the desire to become successful. Perhaps he will come home from work earlier and help with the housework, but at the same time he will complain that his manager at work does not like him because he mistakenly considers him a bad employee.

Desire to control husband and subjugating it is the main obstacle to a man’s success. If you really want to see your husband as a successful person in life, do not try to subordinate him to your desires and whims, give him more freedom. Admire his achievements and let him know that you truly believe in his success. Do not be afraid that he will become a happy and contented person in life. After all, he is trying to earn more only so that you can enjoy life with him. Tell him more about what you really like, how he works and that he is doing well, then he will have a desire to make your life even better. You cannot try to pin your husband to your skirt, demand that he do all the housework, be accountable for spending his money and unconditionally fulfill all your whims. Such a husband, of course, will always be by your side, but he will never become a successful person.

If you have fears lose your husband, don't let these fears ruin your happiness. Share your insecurities with your husband and talk to him about how you can help him achieve his success. After this conversation, you will feel great relief and your fears will seem simply ridiculous to you. If your family has a separate budget, then make it a joint one and stop constantly controlling your husband. Set new goals for yourself and start implementing them yourself. Take care of yourself and learn to live for your own pleasure, and when you are satisfied with yourself and your husband, then you will not have time to waste time on all sorts of ridiculous fears.

Among the comments to several of my opuses, there is one special one. It inevitably appears under each of my publications, and from different people.

“Baba wrote!”

Well, this is obvious, you must admit, all women write under the pseudonym Oleg Batluk.

I always wait for this comment and even get a little nervous if it doesn’t exist for a long time. And when he finally comes out to his full height, all so beautiful, I rejoice. And I am sincerely happy.

“Baba wrote!” - for me this is a big, huge compliment. Even if it was not such as intended by its author.

These qualities make me fuller as a person, more voluminous, more prominent in a figurative, not physical sense. I forgot about the three-dimensional personality, of course, you are asking for immodesty - drama demands it.

I have always envied women because of these qualities.

I suspect that women are generally richer in technology and more interesting than men. Which is understandable, because, according to legend, they were created after men, which means they were endowed with higher quality firmware.

For example, I envied women because of their ability to see 360 ​​degrees. This is what is now known as augmented reality technology, or VR. Men can only see 180 degrees. Their necks don't turn any further. Women turn around.

Why, I was jealous of the most basic installations. The ones that make men often make fun of women. That same feminine emotionality - I envied her. A woman initially has a whole palette of colors inside her, and not just one jar of black gouache that a man stole from his dad’s table as a child.

Living with a rainbow inside - how can you not envy that?

Men compared to women in this aspect are emotional beggars.

A woman is like French cuisine, where a whole separate menu has been invented just for shades of sensations, and men are English cuisine, fish & chips, don’t eat it (may the English forgive me).

So these fish & chips are not to be honestly envied like I am, they also make fun of them! Like, women are still Malvinas with purple hair, turbulent and unpredictable. But we are not, we are different, Pinocchio made from a single piece of wood, an ebonite stick.

Only this seemingly simple and solid ebonite stick will become so ebony over time that it won’t seem too small. Because every Pinocchio has two Malvinas inside, locked with the key of “masculinity”. And when the firecracker explodes, the average man cannot understand why there is so much confetti in him.

Finally, with the birth of my son Artem, I woke up. maternal instinct. Perhaps I will now blurt out the most absurd of my heresies, but it seems to me that, in a certain dosage, the maternal instinct is initially inherent in every father. It’s just that fathers resist him terribly when they discover: what nonsense is this, what if the milk starts flowing now?