Married lover, is such a relationship necessary? A married man and a single woman: the psychology of relationships How men treat their mistress’s children

The psychology of a woman who consciously enters into a relationship with a married man is determined by the fact that she is not the wife of her beloved, and therefore is not the only chosen one in his life. Therefore, the defining feature of psychology that is endowed with the mistress of a married man is nothing more than rivalry with another female person.

Often this quality is established from childhood: a girl always lost to her rivals, so the desire to compensate for the damage by defeating another woman migrated into adulthood. The ideal option for resolving the problem would be one where the man chooses the “victim” from two passions.

But usually disappointment will overtake you here too - such a struggle very rarely ends in victory for the homewrecker. Experts say that the reason is not in those who compete, but in those for whom the fight is being waged. A normal person loves and makes a choice only in favor of one passion. When he is already married and suddenly inflamed with feelings for another, it takes him some time to decide to separate from his legal wife. Essentially, this process only takes a couple of months, and a normal person spends them taking action rather than hesitating.

But if a partner is unable to make a decision for years, wanting to keep both passions at the same time, this means that he is subject to some kind of psychological splitting, which prevents him from making a decision. Often, relationship scenarios develop precisely according to the second scheme - men whose psychology does not have integrity go to great lengths to avoid making a decision.

Waiting for such a companion becomes very painful for a lady’s self-esteem. Living for years in uncertainty, the realization comes that, as in childhood, it is not her who is chosen again.

The perception of one’s own value depends on the speed of a man’s decision-making, which is why the mistress’s already low self-esteem in this case falls even lower. A woman with normal self-esteem will not allow such an attitude towards herself. Within two or three months she will understand that the choice will not take place and, without thinking for a long time, she will leave such a relationship.

But we are now analyzing the psychology of those ladies who live in uncertainty for many years. What motivates them? Most likely, the expectation that a loved one will help raise self-esteem. After all, if you end the relationship yourself, then the feeling that you were not chosen will again strike a blow to your pride. Therefore, the best option is to wait patiently with the thought: what if he chooses me, then I will return to normal and love myself again.

Alas, representatives of the stronger sex who resort to deception in order not to make a choice not only do not help in solving women’s problems, but also catastrophically aggravate it. As a result, this becomes the root cause of frequent outbreaks of despair and anger - at oneself, at a loved one, at his wife.

Many ladies can walk in a vicious circle all their lives. Having finally gotten rid of one similar connection, they enter into another - identical one. So, they again find themselves in a trap, from which it is very difficult to get out. The hidden motive for such actions is the desire to change the children's script. Until a woman gets rid of him, she will continue to find herself in similar situations.

If you are a spouse who is interested in the psychology of her mistress because your husband is infatuated with someone else, then you need to know that a wife who is aware of infidelity and continues to live with it is endowed with similar hidden problems:

• Uncertainty about your importance.
• Low self-esteem.
• Emotional (not entirely healthy) dependence on her husband.
• Fear of separation and loneliness.

There is the following rule for you: it is impossible to influence an unfaithful spouse or homewrecker, but it is possible to influence and change yourself. Make your own choice or direct your relationship with your partner in a direction where there is no room for betrayal.

There are other variations in the use of the mistress status. This is what beautiful ladies sometimes call themselves who have abandoned marriages and preferred open relationships. This position is explained by the fear of intimacy, which was also caused in childhood (psychological trauma due to attachment to parents) or in adulthood (unsuccessful love interaction).

Types of women

What are the mistresses of a married man like? Depending on their psychological inclinations, ladies who enter into illicit love affairs are divided into the following types:

• Masochist. It is believed that this type is ideal for romances on the side. She is alien to reproaches, insults, complaints about her personal life and is characterized by humility, attention and support of her loved one at all levels. From her you can hear words of sympathy, as well as practical advice about the wife of the cheater. Regarding the demands for divorce, the partner can be calm, since this type is happy to sacrifice himself for the good of his loved one. The psychology of a masochist places a person in the rank of permanent lovers. This is what the stronger sex is looking for.
• Hysterical. This type is compared to a hurricane. Not everyone can cope here, since they tend to keep their partner in constant tension. Scandals out of nowhere, calls in the middle of the night, calls to your wife, a willingness to go over your head for the sake of your goal - this is all in the character of a hysterical person. Some companions are turned on by this, because there is a feeling of walking on the edge of a knife. But the romance continues until the man gets tired. Or she herself will not end the affair, since this type is not interested in weaklings. They don’t play endless games like “he left and came back.” Jokes with a hysterical person are bad because she is confident, self-sufficient and knows what she wants.
• Eternal bride. In other words, a woman who is a dreamer. A creature with its head in the clouds, unable to make the slightest decision. That's why she so needs a strong partner, even a married one. She is inherently confident that with those who are nearby, she will certainly have a cloudless future. Thoughts about your loved one’s family rarely enter your head, because it doesn’t matter. However, if the question of choice becomes acute, then the sweet creature can turn into a ferocious hysterical woman who will demand a decision immediately.

• Mother. Just like a masochist, an ideal passion. Quiet, caring, loving, affectionate and... always waiting. A person here is insured against scandals and calls to his wife. The unfaithful husband literally dissolves in the arms of the lady-mother. This type, by the way, has the greatest number of chances (of all those listed above) to become the legal wife of a loved one. She won’t force you to choose, no. It’s just that a husband can torment his wife with meetings with this woman for so long that she herself will file for divorce.

Three main categories of homewreckers

Based on practice, psychologists have come to the conclusion that women lovers can be divided into three main categories:

1. Those who are driven by true love.
2. Those who suffer from loneliness.
3. Those who need adrenaline.

Let's talk about the first category. There may be love at first sight and ignorance that the beloved is married. Perhaps the girl previously condemned such relationships, but by the will of fate she herself found herself in such a situation. At first everything is fine, but then the better half begins to be oppressed by the lover’s attempts to carefully hide the affair. She is overtaken by a feeling of humiliation from having to hide from her wife and others. Resentments also accumulate, because the companion may not always be nearby. The lady despairs and eventually falls into depression.

A loving person is characterized by constant torment, doubts, attempts to understand how the wife of a loved one feels. She is well aware that she is an evil to his family and still hopes that she will get married someday. The ending of such a romance is predictable - the unfaithful husband is irritated by his girlfriend’s insults and depression and the connection is broken.

The second category is somewhat similar to the first, but differs in that there may not be strong love here. The homewrecker decides to have an affair out of fear of loneliness, from the desire for intimacy, which worsens over the years. Usually single people do not have many acquaintances, so the choice is limited. And even if a married man has attracted attention, you should not miss the chance. Then the scenario repeats itself: resentment, jealousy, reproaches, the desire to get married and start a family with your loved one. Behavior is guided by the same fear of loneliness, the consequence of which is despair, loss of self-esteem, and apathy.

The third case is the most interesting. Here a beautiful person starts an affair purely for prudent reasons. This is her lifestyle. She is confident, self-sufficient and smart. He throws himself into a love pool because he is looking for excitement and adrenaline. These people are called bitches or careerists; their immediate plans do not include marriage. She is interested in the victim, which she chooses herself, and then achieves her goal by all means. Having achieved, such a lady values ​​relationships. She does not try to make her lover her husband and wants the relationship to remain secret. Such a woman knows how to part beautifully. When she feels that her partner’s interest is waning, she can offer to end the relationship herself, thanking him for a good time.

Almost every girl since childhood dreams of a prince on a white horse who will find her, win her heart and make her the happiest in the world. And so, the years passed, the girl grew up, and he appeared on the horizon - a real Prince, smart, cheerful, caring, reliable, handsome, in love, in a word, not a man - a dream. But the “Prince” has one drawback - a wedding ring on his right hand. And the woman faces a difficult choice: to become this man’s mistress or to seek her destiny elsewhere.

Love triangles are as old as the hills, but now, like hundreds of years ago, women enter into relationships with married men in the hope that sooner or later their loved one will choose his mistress, leave his family and marry her. Are such hopes justified? Does a mistress have a chance to become the legal wife of her lover or is she nothing more than a temporary entertainment for a man?

Attitudes of men towards mistresses

Despite the assurances of friends and relatives, and the disappointing statistics that more than 80% of men never marry their mistresses, a woman in a forbidden relationship believes that her case is unique and she will be able to win her beloved from her wife. However, before considering the chances that a man will leave his wife and marry his mistress, it is necessary to understand why husbands decide to cheat on their wives and how they treat their mistress. , can be roughly divided into three main types:

1. Conditionally free - men whose marriage exists only legally. Such men may be in the process of divorcing their spouse or do not live under the same roof with her and are seriously planning to divorce. These men, as a rule, honestly tell their mistress about their life situation, and if they have feelings for her, they speed up the process of divorcing their spouse, introduce their new chosen one to their parents, friends, and after receiving a divorce certificate, they may well go to the registry office with their mistress.

2.Calculating - men who have a strong family and start an affair on the side solely for the sake of entertainment and new sensations. These men immediately tell their mistresses that they do not intend to divorce their wife and the mistress cannot count on more than regular meetings. Such men do not have strong feelings for their mistresses; for them, having a woman on the side is entertainment, a way to have a good time. These men do not limit the freedom of their mistresses, they can give expensive gifts, provide financially, receiving tenderness, affection, and sex in return.

3. Unhappy - men telling their mistresses how deeply unlucky they are with their wife, about constant quarrels, scandals with their spouse, and that their mistress is almost the only happiness in their unhappy life. However, in response to a rational question from a new girlfriend about when he will divorce his “terrible” wife, such a man begins to come up with 1000 reasons why he cannot do this right now, but promises to definitely divorce as soon as the child graduates/the children grow up/he pays off the mortgage/ he will be given a promotion/the Second Coming of Christ will occur. In fact, men from this category do not plan to get a divorce, because they do not want to change their established life, but they also do not want to lose their mistress, so they come up with excuses and amuse their girlfriend with vain promises.

Obviously, only the mistresses of the first of the above categories of men can seriously expect to change their mistress status to a stamp in their passport. However, many men from the third category can also tell their friends that they are about to divorce their spouse, but their words will be at odds with the real state of affairs. Therefore, psychologists advise women who are mistresses of married men not to wait more than 1 year for their lover’s divorce. The fact is that in the vast majority of cases, if a new girlfriend intends to be with her, he will file for divorce within the first year of their relationship.

Most men by nature do not like drastic changes in life, therefore, without serious reasons, they will not dare to leave their established life and their wife, with whom they have a warm relationship. In itself, a strong passion for a new girlfriend is not a sufficient reason for a man to divorce his wife, so unfaithful husbands prefer to meet their new lover secretly, carefully hiding the affair from the family. The reasons why men decide to divorce lie in his relationship with his wife, but not in his mistress, because if a man’s heart is occupied by his wife, there will initially be no place for another woman.

What should a married man's mistress do?

In life, events often do not happen as planned, and many women fall in love with married men and become mistresses. These women do not always have the strength and endurance to break it, so psychologists give some advice to girls who, by the will of their feelings, have become one of the corners of a love triangle. Using the recommendations, a woman will not force a man to divorce and marry her, but she will be able to make her own life better and, over time, painlessly free herself from her relationship with a married man.

1. Pay enough attention to your loved one. Doing what you love, visiting beauty salons, the gym, expanding your range of interests, acquiring new hobbies, etc. - all this will help a woman make her life brighter and more eventful and will help her, her strengths, and attractiveness.

2. Don’t ruin your plans because of your married lover. For example, if a woman is planning a meeting with her friends, and her married lover calls and informs about his wife’s departure and offers to meet, the mistress needs to go to her friends. By sacrificing plans to please her lover, a woman equates herself in his eyes almost to the level of a domestic dog, running at the first call of the owner.

3. Forget about your mother’s instructions that “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.” He has a wife, let her cook for him, wash his clothes, etc. A woman who is trying to become a lover and nanny for a married man has practically no chance of becoming his wife - he will come to her as if he were visiting a restaurant, a hotel with full board, to relax and have fun, and then return to everyday life.

4. Stop a married lover from talking about his wife. Many men try to “press on pity” and cry into their mistresses about what bad wives they are. These conversations are empty, their direct goal is the man’s mistress, so if he raises this topic, you should suggest either immediately filing for divorce, or talking about something more interesting for the woman.

5. Never try to tell your lover's wife about your existence. Many mistresses try to talk to their wife or arrange everything so that she finds out about her husband’s affair and decides to divorce him. However, if the mistress achieves her goal, and her lover’s wife leaves her unfaithful husband, it is unlikely that he will run to propose to his mistress - it is more likely that he will accuse her of all mortal sins for destroying his well-established life and breaking up his family.

6. Look for your Prince. A woman should initially perceive a married lover as a temporary man, and a relationship with him as entertainment, and should not refuse to meet other representatives of the stronger sex. Leading an active life, meeting new people and not getting hung up on a married friend, a woman will definitely meet her soul mate and find family happiness.

Have you ever noticed how men are attracted to married women? Or maybe you have ever watched a married suitor courting a divorced young lady with a child? The second case is not entirely related to the topic, but is closely related to the first. The fact is that married women, as well as those with divorced status, attract the stronger sex:

• Self-sufficiency.
• Independence.
• Liberation in communication, and, consequently, in bed.
• Unobtrusiveness.
• The absence of a fanatical desire to marry your loved one.

A family person has all of the above qualities. Think for yourself: everything has already happened for her, she has tasted the delights of family life and now she is completely calm about love relationships. But I don’t mind flirting. After all, it’s nice to feel that you are liked.

Men are driven by the desire to achieve what does not belong to them. Or rather, what belongs to another - a potential rival. An ardent lover needs hunting, inaccessibility, danger, and such feelings can be experienced by “rolling up” to a person who is forever shackled in marriage. For the sake of such a hunt, a lover is able to abandon even his moral principles. In pursuit of the victim, a decent person turns into an outright womanizer. A man is very pleased by the fact that a lady preens herself, tries to find time, uses tricks to outsmart her husband. And all this for his sake! It’s even more exciting that somewhere out there, at home, a horned husband is sitting on the sofa and either doesn’t suspect that his wife is possessed by someone else (me!), or is wondering who is taking his wife away from under his nose (me again!).

Basically, free representatives of the stronger sex are fueled by such feelings. And among those who are younger, such emotional outbursts manifest themselves much more acutely. But a married man who has an affair has to rush about on his own. After all, he must also come up with reports for his wife: where he was, why he was late, etc. Therefore, here pride in his accomplishments fades into the background. By the way, this is better for secret lovers, because you can’t hide your pride from a lady. And who wants to feel like a trophy for someone else’s achievements?

What attracts a married lover? Many young girls, when choosing a passion for themselves, are often seduced by a married boyfriend. The latter is flattered by this and, of course, the womanizer will never refuse sex with a young lady. But here’s the catch - time passes and... the girl changes: sex alone is no longer enough, spiritual intimacy and all sorts of family delights are needed. Why, give me marriage!

This, in fact, is the first difference between married and free lovers. It is clear that the former has no need for such passions. A self-sufficient lady who is comfortable in her family, like her boyfriend, does not seek to radically change her life. The positions of both are equal, therefore there are also more common interests.

This factor becomes decisive because it entails several significant advantages. For example, a married lady will not make desperate attempts in the hope of crossing paths supposedly by chance or making an unexpected surprise by appearing where they are not expected, etc. A married woman understands that it is better to avoid surprises. Secondly, she won’t bother you with calls or demand that you come urgently because she’s bored. And if a lady has children (and, as a rule, she does), life is even simpler. After all, children take up a lot of time and attention. And getting lost in the troubles of your children is much more pleasant than suffering because of your lover.

Third, families are less whimsical when it comes to organizing dates. Having carved out an hour for dinner in a restaurant, someone else's wife is unlikely to start a showdown over what she considers cheap wine or a tasteless dish. No, the lovely lady either draws conclusions and leaves, or with a smile hints to the gentleman about the “passage”, which she immediately forgets about.

The situation is the same with gifts for the holidays. A free girl will certainly be offended if her birthday is forgotten. A man will need a lot of effort and time to make amends. But for a married woman everything is different. She will not allow such behavior. And not only because there is no time for grievances, but also because marriage has taught her to be wise, restrained and patient.

And here are four more differences of a married lady that play a positive role in the relationship of lovers:

• About hygiene. The mistress certainly monitors cleanliness, both in relation to herself and in relation to those with whom she shares the bed. Since she has only two such options - a husband and a lover, the latter does not have to worry about health problems.
• About importunity. Representatives of the stronger sex are very irritated by this quality. Questions: why don’t you answer? when we meet? - often do not “do” the day in the best way. A free woman cannot understand how difficult it is to work hard for meetings; she cannot understand that a partner does not have the opportunity to run away on the first call. Guess if a married person will behave this way? That's right - no.
• Ease of parting. Having refused meetings, a man does not worry about being pestered, crying into the phone and complaining about his uselessness. Family passions take separation more easily.
• Excitation. We have already said that a lover is turned on by the fact that he is hugging SOMEONE ELSE’s missus. This fact turns on the young lady herself. She becomes more sensual and liberated. And all because she knows about the consequences that threaten her. Every time she makes love it’s like it’s the last. The same cannot be said about the desire to do this with your legal spouse.

If the lover is young

You have a young lover, and you are a married woman? Now let's consider the option when the girl is married and the boyfriend is single. What is the psychology of such relationships?

As in every topic, there are a lot of examples of behavior here, but we will focus on one of the main and interesting scenarios of this connection. So…

Some bachelors lead their personal lives as they please. They have complete freedom of choice. After some time, freedom gets boring, and there is a desire to try something new, spicy, forbidden. Often this happens to a married person. Why? I want to feel like a man and confirm my usefulness. Seeing that the lady has limited time and plans are scheduled by the hour, the young guy can’t wait to intervene and break the usual way of life. After all, if this happens because of him being handsome, self-esteem will soar!

Thus, a family passion in the eyes of a free man looks like a tasty morsel, more desirable than the rest. Even more exciting is the fact that before the handsome man appeared, the woman was exemplary, remained faithful to her husband, because betrayal for her is something out of the ordinary.

By the way, a person who has a husband, but leads a wild lifestyle, attracts womanizers much less.

But let's get back to our story. There comes a time when rare meetings become few and far between. I want to win even more women's time. Here the behavior of a bachelor differs from the behavior of a married man in that the former will be more persistent and purposeful. Sometimes he can get it into his head that he must definitely marry his beloved. The man’s actions become similar to the actions of the free partner described above. Often, firmly believing in his love (for now), the gentleman persuades the lady to become the one and only - his wife. But here you need to be very careful, because having received what you want, Casanova often cools down and loses all interest.

What the forums will tell us

What will the forum say about single and married people? We have a concrete example of what drama the relationship between a bachelor and an unfree lady can turn into. We chose a story that reveals the essence of such relationships.

Let's say the heroes of our novel are named Marina and Sasha.

Marina led a decent family life, had a good husband and two wonderful children. But then he met - the hero-lover, from whom goosebumps crawled. The girl understood what she was getting into, but after weighing all the pros and cons, she dared to live a little for herself. By the way, seven years of marriage have “nailed” her femininity and sexuality a little, so it was high time to shake things up. And here such a case turned up! Well, why not a sign?

The romance began and the decent lady did not notice how she turned into a desperate lover. There was less time for family, the husband began to suspect something, which Marina told Sasha about. The young guy, seeing that the fortress was impregnable (she would not leave her husband), began to be jealous and went into battle. He allegedly opened his beloved’s eyes to what was happening: he convinced her that the legal husband was blind and stupid - he had not seen his wife as a woman for a long time, and had completely forgotten that a beautiful creature required care or affection. Either way, he’s a handsome lover! As a result, Sasha offered to make a choice: either a spouse and boredom, or a lover and a vibrant life. Marina, being fiercely in love, makes a decision and radically changes her life.

And life, indeed, turned out to be bright, only for some reason in dark colors. Having abandoned her husband, Marina lost her children - the boys went over to their father's side. In addition, she lost their respect. They declared their mother stupid and weak-willed, having abandoned them for someone unknown.

But this is not enough. The lady makes another mistake - she quits her job. Why work if your loved one promised to care and cherish?

So, in one day, Marina lost everything that had been created for many years. And the most offensive thing is that she didn’t gain anything in return - the new partner had no intention of getting married. Marina learned that this was his style of bachelor’s game - to achieve, abandon, and then look for a new victim.

The example is not a pleasant one, but with the help of it I would like to appeal to lovely ladies - do not do such stupid things, appreciate what you have, think about your children and the person who truly loves you - your husband.

No one plans to get into a dependent relationship voluntarily. It’s unlikely that since childhood you wanted to become fixated on someone, abandon all your interests, suffer and wait for everything to change. But life works differently.

Love for a married man has always been shameful, condemned by society, and a taboo was placed on relationships with someone’s husband. That's how we were raised. If you fall in love with a married man, you are a homewrecker, a destroyer of the social unit. But it happened: you are a mistress.

Stop reproaching yourself, look at modern realities, which are not customary to discuss with colleagues over lunch, so as not to cause another portion of condemnation.

The vast majority of young families are formed according to the following scenario: they met at 20, got married six months or a year later, gave birth to a child at 22, couldn’t cope with adult life at 23 and played enough. Feelings and love pass, but the family remains due to habit, fears and obligations. A man takes a mistress, his wife either endures it, losing herself in worries, or also starts a new relationship - on the side. This may take years.

Is a relationship with a married man doomed or is there a chance?

You fell in love with a married man. The main thing is to stop blaming yourself and putting an end to your future happy life. If a married man is in love with you, is there anyone to blame? Try to figure out why he appeared in your life. It is possible that its appearance was not accidental.

Ask yourself 4 questions

Why did I end up in this connection?

You know that being a mistress is bad, but every day you firmly connect yourself with a married man. What motivates you? Are you ready to “fight for it” and build a future together or do you want to live in the moment? Respond by looking at things unemotionally.

What do I get in this relationship, and what do I give to my partner?

You are free individuals who feel good together or the relationship is built on a dependency or passion unknown to both of you, perhaps there is material interest or other benefits.

Did I consciously choose this type of relationship?

Were you scared off by the future man's presence of a wife, or was it easier for you to associate yourself with a married man, so as not to be responsible for a serious relationship?

Can a relationship with a married man make me happy in the future?

How do you see the development of this relationship, do they have a future, or do you understand that when the passion subsides, it will be difficult for you to accept his life with two families?

The only funny jokes about dating a married man are in jokes. In fact, being a mistress means constantly having an internal struggle and thinking that the man you love has a wife, that the relationship is doomed from the start, and still going on secret dates with him, attacking your own self-esteem.

From a psychological point of view, women who choose a relationship with a married man over and over again have internal problems. At a minimum, because entering into a relationship with a married partner means recognizing your “second role”, being prepared to be hidden and asked not to write, not to call, not to wear perfume.

Depending on your relationship with a married man, you begin to justify him, look for solutions for him, believe that for your sake he will leave the family. But why does he need this if the only suffering party here is you, not him?

To be the mistress of a married man means to take on the role of a strong woman, not burdened with problems.

You can increase your self-esteem by realizing that you are better than others: “After all, he runs to me, and she sits at home and doesn’t know anything, which means I’m more worthy.”. But the paradox is that after every date a man hurries home to the one who is waiting at home. And when he leaves, the sense of self-worth instantly fades away. Are you really happy with this?

Do married men get divorced for their mistresses? Stop fooling yourself. Living someone else's life or being a detail in someone else's relationship means wasting your own time. Will a self-sufficient, self-respecting woman really agree to a supporting role, be ready to hide and not appear in those moments when her married partner is with his wife? Listen to yourself, what do you think?

Relationships with a married man: commentary from a psychologist

When you start dating a married man, at first you feel at ease, feel increased attention and satisfy your self-esteem by the fact that he prefers you to his wife, he has fun with you and he is deceiving her, not you. But time passes, and it becomes more difficult for you to share him with his legal wife, from whom for some reason he still has no intention of leaving.

Then falling in love risks developing into addiction, driven by jealousy, selfishness, the desire to get your way, the desire to prove that you are better than your wife. By becoming dependent on a relationship with a married man, you inevitably find yourself in a scenario of abandoning yourself, focusing all your interests only on your partner, and looking for meetings with him in any way.

When strengthening ties with a married man, the following appear:

• decreased self-esteem: all efforts are spent trying to meet, call, see each other, “fit” him into your space. You see yourself as a “backup option.”
• internal dissonance: oscillation between “love” and “hate”. Quarrels become more frequent because he leaves the family.
• intense jealousy. If a partner cheats on his wife, then who knows if he is cheating on you too?
• loss of interest in life, work, meeting with friends, internal destruction of personality.
• justifying yourself.

Even if you entered into an affair with a married man voluntarily, knowing that he will not leave the family, you gradually still begin to claim the No. 1 place in his life.

This is how female psychology works

First, you prove to yourself that everything suits you: “I don’t need a wedding, I just want to be near you and love you,” then you gently and unobtrusively voice what you want, and as a result, tears, depression and demands to leave your wife begin.

And if you manage to convince a man to leave his wife, will you be satisfied? Is there room for new suspicions ( “If he cheated on me, he will cheat on me too”), mistrust ( “Dating secretly or wants to return to his ex-wife”), past grievances ( “I was with her for so long and didn’t divorce her right away”)? So, out of the desire for romantic love and a full-fledged family, you drive yourself into dependence on experiences, reducing the relationship to nothing.

Of course, it happens differently. When you are in a relationship with a married man, devoting time to him, you are following your own choice. And, if you really want there to be a sequel, bother doing 2 things:

1. take off your rose-colored glasses.

   “He’s ready to do anything for me,” he just can’t leave the family right now,” “He’s in a difficult situation, I’m ready to wait because we love each other”;

2. take time for yourself.

   Your development, expansion of your sphere of interests, awareness of yourself as an individual, and not as an attachment to a partner. Don’t immerse yourself in his interests, don’t live his life, and especially don’t try to solve his problems.

Have you decided to take a married man away from your family?

Why doesn't a married man leave his family for his mistress? Because he created an ideal model of life: he saved his family, thereby protecting himself from the attacks of society and the loss of a loved one, avoided material difficulties and at the same time leads a parallel life, where he receives care and warmth, fresh emotions and the realization of his own goals.

At the same time, he can experience emotions for his mistress many times stronger than for his wife. Driven by passion and love, he promises her (sometimes even sincerely) that love is enormous, “a little later” he will leave the family for her, and “those golden mountains in the distance are yours.”

What's happening in reality?

Most often - nothing. Everything is locked at the level of promises, relationships stall at this phase and, without developing (and relationships without development are doomed), they move into the phase of disappointed expectations and accusations and later end.

If you are determined to become a legal wife from a mistress and take your husband away from your current wife, you have a chance. But not in the case when you voluntarily agreed to a “supporting” role for years and suddenly decided to become the main one in his life. No matter how well he treats you, no matter how pleasant your meetings are, he is comfortable with you as a mistress, and he will not radically change his life for your sake. The psychology of a married man’s relationship with his mistress is based on his stability, and changes contradict it.

If you still dare to take a man away from your family

There are chances to take a married man away from the family, even if they are small. Often a mistress appears in men whose family life has not pleased them for a long time. And love on the side is a way to get pleasant emotions without ending the relationship with your spouse, since drastic changes are too scary.

By acting carefully and slowly, you can influence a man, proving to him that living together with you will save him from existing problems, and will not add new ones.

Direct demands, quarrels and reminders of his promises will not lead to divorce, but they will show that relationships with you in the future will involve problems, scandals and nerves.

How to behave with a married man so that you have a future? The psychology of a relationship with him is not very different from the behavior with a free partner if your plans are to build strong, trusting relationships.

Respect his decisions, give him the choice and the right to act as he sees fit, do not put pressure on him and do not impose your opinion - it is useless.

How to change from a mistress to a wife: a comment from a psychologist

Set a goal - not to impose yourself, but to make him want to be with you. Focus on yourself, not on him, his family or your relationship. We are talking about expanding your personal space, about your own plans, about development in directions that do not concern your relationship. By doing something to “build up” your personality, working on the psychological restoration of a true attitude towards yourself, and cultivating healthy egoism, you will restore the balance between personal space and relationships. An internally free person is always more attractive than someone who focuses all his interests on someone alone, all the more limiting him and negatively influencing his life.

Don't judge his wife

Even if he speaks negatively about her. She is his choice. By showing that you value your partner’s opinion, you influence the subconscious, he feels like a recognized leader, and this radically influences further decisions.

Just ask yourself, are you ready to build further relationships according to such a scenario, to adapt and drown out even your own feelings for the sake of it? It is possible to take a man away from the family. But are you really ready to compete with another girl and waste your energy on destroying your family? Psychologically, will it be easy for you to accept him and not allow the thought that he will find a mistress for himself while he is already your husband? Achieving a goal is a normal desire. But how correctly did you set this goal?

Pregnancy from a married man

Some girls do not want to look at the situation realistically, and having become heavily involved in a dependent relationship with a married man, they decide that the best way to win him over to their side and force him to leave the family is to get pregnant. Various tricks are used, including deception.

However, before considering the latest ways to take a man away from your family, calm down, weigh everything that is really happening in your situation: his relationship with his family, with his children, with you, take a realistic look at your life together. You are his mistress, and it is unlikely that his mistress’s pregnancy will be a significant reason for leaving the family (especially if he already has children).

Pregnancy from a married man in most cases will only bring problems. Moreover, both for you and for him.

What do you want to prove to yourself, him or his wife by getting pregnant? How will your self-esteem grow if you are ready to take such drastic measures? Think about a child who will initially be a partner's attachment tool. And about his children, whom you think he will leave.

If the pregnancy is unplanned

He promised mountains of gold, you lived happily for a year or two or three and were happy with the meetings, sometimes he said that he would definitely leave the family for you, but there was no right time. When he heard the news about your pregnancy, he said that he loved you as before, and... gave money for an abortion. How to cope with a situation when a pregnancy from a married man turns into abortion?

You don’t want this, you consider the child the fruit of your happiness, and you cannot believe that he acted so treacherously. You try to analyze and come to the conclusion that “yes, now is really not the time, besides, he loves me and speaks about it directly.”

Understand that it is up to you to decide about the fate of the child. When you started dating, were you happy with everything? Start from this. He will not leave his wife, will not become your legal husband, and, at best, will support you financially. Are you ready for such a life? Do you agree to raise a child in a single-parent family?

Just stop flattering yourself with the hope that with the advent of a child everything will change. It will change, yes, but it won’t make it easier, that’s for sure. After all, many women raise children without men.

If you value a child, then you should only be glad that it is from the man you love, even if this love differs from its standard understanding.

Don't make the mistake of thinking that your child is more important to a man than his existing children. Don't think that once you give birth, you can manipulate him. The good thing about a married man’s mistress is that with her it’s easy to take a break from family problems, get distracted and then return home. If she creates difficulties (and a pregnant mistress is a big difficulty for a married man), then the very meaning of a relationship with her is lost.

Do you want this baby?

Are you ready to give birth to him for yourself, without associating the birth with your married partner? If yes, have no doubt, you will hold out, survive this difficult period of torment and draw conclusions. It is possible that your priorities, goals, and, possibly, your man will change.

Should a married man give birth: a comment from a psychologist

It is important to clearly understand that a child is not a way to tie a man to you, that his decent fatherhood in a legitimate family does not mean that he will treat your child with the same reverence. Whether to give birth to a married man is only your choice; here you cannot hide behind your partner’s excuses and the thirst for mythical happiness. Giving birth to a man while remaining his mistress is a psychologically difficult task. If you perceived your partner as a patron, afraid of your own responsibility, then now you will have to grow up and be responsible not only for your life, but also for the life of another person.

Don't paint a picture in your head where it's just you, him and your child. When you realize that there is another family in this picture of the world, you can make the right decision and avoid emotional breakdowns, depression and neuroses.

How to end a relationship with a married lover

If:

• It is psychologically difficult for you to continue a relationship with a person who does not plan to leave the family, despite all the assurances.
• Or you finally realized that your relationship with a man ended emotionally a long time ago, but for some reason you are holding on to it.
• You don’t have the strength to break off a dependent relationship; you are ready to be content with the illusion that you are loved, just so as not to be left alone.
• You understand that the relationship is futile, but you become more and more attached to your partner, clinging to rare moments when everything is fine.

The time has come to part!

The main problem of girls who decide to end their relationship with a man is that they want to prove something by leaving: “Let him feel that he cannot live without me”, “I’ll leave, he’ll come to his senses and bring me back,” “He’ll understand that it’s better to be with me, and he’ll leave the family.”. Understand that your care should not be directed at your partner, but at you. If you made a conscious, informed decision to leave, then you did it because the current course of things no longer suits you. By returning your partner after a breakup, you will only prolong this nervous period.

Understanding what you get and what you lose in a relationship will make it easier for you to make a decision. “They give me emotions, love and care” is not the answer you should give yourself, it will only keep you stuck in a dependent relationship.

Time to question yourself

The feeling that someone needs you is not a reason to continue the relationship. Evaluate all the disadvantages without making excuses or trying to prove to yourself that you are satisfied with everything.

• Are you okay with being hidden?
• Are you happy that your future is vague or completely unrealistic?
• That you will never go on vacation together or plan a weekend together without taking a third person into account?
• That the man you love is in a serious relationship with another woman, even if he says he doesn’t love her?

He is a married man, his established life consists of frameworks and rules, and he will not change it, even if it does not completely satisfy him. It’s easier for him to have a new mistress without any complaints.

If you decide to break up with the man you love, it means you are tired of justifying yourself and him without receiving anything in return.

Being the mistress of a family man is a dead end. Continuing a painful relationship is also a dead end. It may be longer or shorter, but it will not lead you to a happy future. Eventually, you will come to the questions: “Why did you need all this?” and “How to live further?”

It is difficult to stop loving a married man because you are accustomed to an emotional, mysterious dependence on him. But dig deeper. Remember your feelings when after meetings he went to his family or when his wife called him. Did you feel better than her at that moment? If he didn't value her, would he hide you? By recognizing the actual emotions that you received in the relationship, you can set yourself up to stop depending on a married man.

Understand also that the connection with him may drag on for years, but there will be no development. You will get used to the role of a mistress, you will take it for granted, but is this how you want to see your life? He will not leave the family for you, realize this. And even if you decide to accept it this way, how ready will you be for such a model of life? Look at it from all sides: from yours, from his, from friends and parents, from colleagues. Ready?

Match promises and reality

Healthy relationships are built according to the scheme: “personal interests of the first partner + personal interests of the second partner + common interests of the couple.” What common interests will arise over time, what goals will unite you, if your main goal is to hide the relationship and be together in secret?

It is difficult to leave a relationship with a married man, just like any other dependent relationship, primarily because of your own fears and doubts. You make an attempt to leave, but fall into a series of worries, looking for ways to ease your morale, but it seems to you that only he, the culprit of your problems, will help. And everything begins in a new way, with a heap of old grievances and misunderstandings and a new round of problems.

Open your eyes

Compare your dreams and hopes with reality. You want to be with the man you love, receive care from him, you want the development of a relationship and, later, a family. The partner promises that it will be so, that living together with his wife is a temporary obstacle, he has not loved her for a long time and there has been no sexual contact with her for a long time. You wait and believe because you rightly believe that relationships cannot be built without trust.

Now look at reality. Are you getting, albeit gradually, what you are striving for? Is he committed to your life together? If you are wondering how to break up with a married man, apparently, reality and dreams still differ.

How to break up with a married man: commentary from a psychologist

Remember: no conflicts, external factors, or other people will pull you out of a protracted relationship. Only an inner attitude and working on your own goals and understanding their feasibility will help you get out of an addictive relationship with a married partner. Perhaps you are driven by fears or do not want to take responsibility, but only internal changes can improve your life.

Break up your breakup with a married man into 3 stages:

1. Talk

   A maximally honest conversation with direct questions about the future of your relationship will eliminate illusions. Set deadlines and specific actions. The goal is not to hear once again that everything will work out, but to determine your personal attitude to what was said and what is actually happening. If you see an opportunity to continue the relationship “in a new capacity,” take this chance, but determine why you are continuing and what exactly you want to achieve, in what time frame you need to achieve it. If there is no opportunity, and all that remains is the promise of mountains of gold, break up.

2. Understanding.

   Relate what you hear to your vision of the future. Imagine yourself in this relationship 5 years later. You’re not getting any younger, you can’t turn back time, but you don’t want to let it go. If you understand that you will break up anyway, why are you delaying this moment for the rare calm of “now”? Remember past relationships, problems: you painfully let go of most of them at one time, and today it’s easy for you to remember them. Why do you consciously go through suffering and drag the burden of your current hopeless relationships into the future?

3. Shifting focus from relationships to yourself.

   If it’s hard for you to give up your partner overnight, use “switching” techniques. Continue communication with your married partner without directing efforts to get rid of the role of mistress. But gradually look for new activities, interests, set personal goals outside of relationships, even if they are to the detriment of them. Especially if they cause damage! By complementing your personality, you inevitably leave the space of dependence on relationships and become not part of them, not part of your partner, but an independent person.

   At this stage, it is important to accept your feelings (love, selfishness, painful addiction - it doesn’t matter), but consciously begin to focus not on them (or how to get rid of them), but on something from a completely different plane. Over time, the psychological tension arising from constant twisting of the situation in the head will weaken.

Be honest with yourself and your partner. Your task is not to prove to him your strength, independence or superiority, but to achieve your own peace of mind. When you are ready, talk to him, tell him that you are ending this relationship not in a fit of emotion, not because he is guilty of something. The reason is the lack of a future together and your justified desire for stable happiness. Ask not to keep you because you want to build a full-fledged family in the future and think that you deserve it.

“I understand everything, but...”

If you (consciously or not) became the mistress of a married man, start by asking yourself why this happened. And then decide what you want to achieve. If you feel that you need help, talk to a psychologist: working together with him will help you better understand the situation and find a comfortable way to resolve it.

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What pushes girls and women to become the mistress of a married man? Love, sober calculation or hopelessness of loneliness? Each woman has her own motivation that encourages her to take such a step, and therefore her own psychology.
Based on practice, psychologists claim that most mistresses are divided into three main categories: women who fell in love with a married man, women who decided to have a relationship with a married man out of loneliness, women who, for one reason or another, deliberately created a love triangle.

Love is evil, you will love a married man

I saw him and fell in love at first sight, as it turned out, with a married man. I believed that he reciprocated. Previously, she herself condemned such women, but she cannot control herself; attracted to him, despite all the prohibitions. For the first few months, a loving woman enjoys her love without thinking about the future and the current situation. Over time, she begins to be depressed by the fact that the man is trying to hide his relationship with her from colleagues, friends and acquaintances; experiences humiliation when he has to hide so that his wife does not find out about her husband’s infidelity. She is offended that due to his family circumstances she has to cancel long-awaited meetings. The whole life of such a mistress begins to develop into endless hours of waiting, which drives her to despair.

A loving mistress is constantly tormented by doubts and tormented by conscience, which creates evil for his family and children. At the same time, she never ceases to hope that the man will leave his wife. At times, the degree of anticipation reaches a critical point. She begins to torment herself and the man with questions about when he will divorce and they will get married. Sometimes a mistress tries to seek a meeting with her beloved’s wife in order to ask her to let her husband go.

Usually a man does not approve of this behavior. Having received a charge of love adrenaline, he goes to his family to see his children and his legal wife, and frequent reproaches and quarrels inevitably lead to a breakup.

Lover from loneliness

There are many reasons for a single girl to become the mistress of a married man. Years go by, there is no end in sight to the monotonous workday, and my personal life does not work out. All her friends have been married for a long time, and she has no one to while away her lonely evenings with. I would like to have a reliable man’s shoulder and gentle hands nearby that can warm and comfort me. Over the years, the need to feel the joy of intimacy with a man becomes more acute.

Usually, there are not many single men in the “field of vision” of single girls. Therefore, she believes that she should not miss the chance if a married man has noticed her. We must take comfort in what we have. At first, the mistress is satisfied with his attention: gifts, flowers and romantic dates. Over time, rare meetings become not enough, and spending weekends and holidays alone is very difficult and offensive. She begins to be jealous of her lover’s wife, reproaching and accusing him of not being in a hurry to commit a life together with her. She really wants to get married and have a normal family. The fear of impending loneliness settles in her mind. The consequence of this is apathy, depression, and a drop in self-esteem. After all, the promises that a lover makes are usually not kept.

A divorced woman has a slightly different psychology. After an unsuccessful marriage, she wants to feel loved and desired again, to find an incentive to live: to be successful and attractive. In addition, she is driven by the desire to take revenge on her ex-husband and prove to him that she is successful with men. Let him know what treasure he has lost. A divorced woman understands that it is unrealistic to make plans for the future with a married lover. She is happy with this kind of relationship. She will not reproach her lover for rushing away from her to his family, but will try to prolong the relationship as long as possible. But if suddenly her relationship with a married admirer develops into love, it brings suffering and becomes dangerous for the woman’s psyche.

Lover of convenience

A woman who becomes an arranged lover proudly calls herself a bitch. This is her image and lifestyle. Such behavior adds adrenaline to life, making it more eventful and interesting. Such a woman is more busy with her career and does not plan to get married and have children in the foreseeable future. But she does not refuse love passion for the opposite sex. On the contrary, considering herself a real predator, she chooses a man as her victim and achieves him by any means. She usually doesn’t care that a man has a family and small children. Often their bosses come under the gun of such a woman.

Knowing that the boss’s wife is busy raising children all day and pays less attention to her husband, she outlines an action plan to brighten up his monotonous life. And she often succeeds. The boss falls into the “extended net” of his subordinate and she becomes his mistress. Having achieved her goal, such a woman appreciates her position. She fills her partner’s life with the manifestation of passionate feelings and enjoys it herself. The mistress does not compromise the man; on the contrary, she tries to prevent her colleagues and family from guessing about their closeness. She knows that their relationship may end sooner or later and does not demand anything from her partner.

A mistress of convenience does not descend into hysterics, she is always polite, restrained in her judgment and self-confident. She always tries to be well-groomed, beautiful, and stylishly dressed. Such a mistress is sure that she is more beautiful and smarter than his wife, but will never say anything bad about her to her partner; doesn’t ask him for anything, but takes all his presents for granted. When she sees that a man’s feelings are cooling, she herself may suggest ending the relationship.