Personal life: what to tell and to whom? Is it worth talking about your life? Is it possible to tell everything?

— Let's always tell each other only the truth!

- Certainly! How could it be otherwise - there will be only truth in our relations.

- Well, yes, because you are my soulmate and should know everything about me.

- Agree. No lies and secrets!

Isn't it a painfully familiar dialogue? Surely you have had similar conversations in your life. When you really think that a lie destroys a relationship, but the truth is its main component, without which you can’t go anywhere. And how painful it becomes because it was this very truth that served as a severance of once strong bonds. By the way, many problems in relationships arise due to the fact that women and men do not know how to talk to each other. I recommend this topic article “Psychology of communication, or “Talk the talk, don’t cook the cabbage soup”” on our website .

It’s clear that no one encourages you to lie, be disingenuous, or play with your partner. The point is that truth can be a destructive force if not used correctly. Everything should be in moderation. This concerns feelings, love, emotions... Too much, and a person risks drowning in them, drowning. The same applies to truth. When it overflows, it becomes too much. A person exposes himself too much in front of another, becomes so open that that intrigue, that zest that you want to unravel throughout your life disappears. I also recommend that you study article “Was my mother right when she said that men do not need to tell the whole “truth”? Response to a reader’s letter” on the “Sunny Hands” website .

We are not angels, and in the past we have probably done things that we would like to forget. It’s difficult for us to accept them ourselves, but, nevertheless, we pour this vat of dirty water in the form of information onto our opponent’s head. Well, they say, now I’m clean in front of you! But in reality you end up even dirtier in the eyes of your other half.

“So, should I lie now? Not telling your man? He’s my closest and dearest, which means he should know everything about me!” – many will probably say so.

No, don't lie. But! Even the truth must be measured, you need to know where, when and what kind of truth can be told, so that it is precisely because of it that you do not end up with nothing. Unclear? I'll try to explain with examples. It often happens that we think that if we tell the whole truth, we will be loved more. Like, that’s how honest we are, how we can trust! This is usually what insecure people do, who believe that there is nothing to love them for. If you are one of them too, I recommend that you purchase book by Rashid Kirranov “How to become confident in yourself in 3 months” . Details .

Once upon a time, my boyfriend, whose work involved business trips, left for a whole month. We talked on the phone regularly. It happened, though, not every day. Counting down the days until his arrival, I asked during another telephone conversation if he missed him? The answer not only did not make me happy, but put me in a stop: “You know, there’s so much to do that there’s no time to even be bored. Well, that's to tell the truth.". Looking ahead, I will say that when he returned a week later, it was really obvious that he missed him. Apparently, then either I was in a bad mood, or my head was full of an important project. But! My mood has been ruined for this whole damn week.

"Is it true! Why do I need her? Was it really impossible to say that yes, he missed me, he knew that I would not be delighted with what I heard. Oh, well, yes, we agreed not to lie to each other.", - thoughts burst me. And at the same time, anger towards my young man. If you are currently going through a difficult time with your loved one, you often quarrel, and you know that the reason for this is your own behavior, read the article editor-in-chief of the website “Sunny Hands” Anastasia Gai “How to get rid of anger and aggression? Or my new family life. (Part 1)"

We know what our other halves like and what they don't. We know, and sometimes we behave like inquisitors, tormenting them with this notorious truth. In order not to upset a person, not to cause a quarrel or conflict, it is necessary to filter information. Well, imagine: you know some weakness of your loved one. He is nervous about the upcoming important task and says out loud that he will not succeed, that he is too weak for this task. To which you agree by saying, yes, dear, you are not up to par in this matter. Is it true! But if you say that he is the best, that only he is worthy of the award, it will be a lie. But it is she who will bring a positive effect. And don’t offend a person by giving him strength and confidence, and the relationship won’t be ruined. By the way, read also article “What is the most important thing for a man in life?” on the website "Sunny Hands" . It will help you better understand your chosen one.

But it also happens the other way around: a person does not immediately reveal the truth, but endures, accumulates information within himself, knowing that he can offend his beloved. It’s just that here you need to understand which truth is really worth hiding, and which truth can, or rather, needs to be taught so carefully and accurately that the person will not be offended, and you yourself will stop suffering from what really annoys you. Example: my friend Larisa can afford not to work and run the household. She especially likes to pamper her husband with various culinary delights. But how does she know that her husband hates canned sweet peas, which she loves to add to all sorts of dishes?! He didn't tell her about this. But he didn’t say it because he saw with what enthusiasm and zeal Larisa was trying to please him. Well, how can you answer negatively to the question: “Did you like it? Is it delicious?” when your wife’s devoted and loving eyes look at you. So Edik endured it, endured it until, during some minor quarrel, he blurted out that he was sick of those peas, he hated them! Of course, polka dots had nothing to do with it, it just became an excuse to let off steam on his wife. Larisa drew her own conclusions: since he lied for so long about such seemingly nonsense, it means he is deceiving her in other ways. And in general, it turns out that their whole life is a complete farce and a lie! The couple reconciled, but the worm of mistrust still remained inside Larisa, and oh, how difficult it is to live with. And just... some peas! Off topic, but I'll draw your attention. We have on the website "Sunny Hands" a section has appeared "Delicious recipes" , where you can find dish options for a variety of occasions - for a holiday, every day - and not just with peas! (joke). For example, salad recipes look .

Very often, thinking that we are protecting our loved ones from unnecessary information, we only make things worse. After all, you can carefully say that this dress is very beautiful, but “this” color suits you much better. Instead of: I hate the color red, take it off, it makes you look old. Or: it’s very tasty, but next time, instead of “this” spice, can you add another one? I have been allergic to it since childhood. And don’t wait until the critical point comes and the person explodes like a projectile, spreading information all around. Knowing what and when to say is, of course, a matter of time. When you have already trained a person and know what is pleasant for him and what is not, what will upset him and what he will perceive adequately. In accordance with this, present the truth.

Sometimes you think that it is better to warn your opponent about some of your character traits. So to speak, lay out the whole truth about yourself at the beginning of the acquaintance, so that later he will not be deeply disappointed in you. Like, you warned me! But this doesn’t always work out well...

My friend Lena really has a complex character with often changing moods. But knowing a lot of her positive traits, you somehow don’t focus on the “kicks.” You look into the depths, not at the surface. However, after another breakup with a man, she decided to warn her next suitor in advance about her shortcomings. And harshly and categorically. I met a nice, calm guy, Matvey. He liked Lena’s cheerfulness, lightness, sociability and kindness. He noticed that along with these good qualities there was also a certain imbalance in her: the girl was one thing, then another. But it was precisely for Matvey that such a temperament was suitable, he himself was stable and constant - he wanted some kind of contrast in life. But Lena stubbornly convinced him that she was not sugar, that Matvey would suffer with her. She herself planted the seed of suspicion and uncertainty in the soil of their relationship. The guy, no, no, began to think: maybe it’s not in vain that she says all this to herself? Maybe we really need to step up before it’s too late? And did. On the topic of different temperaments, I recommend on the website "Sunny Hands" .

We do not always treat ourselves objectively. Someone may think all their life that, for example, they have the worst nose in the world, but for others this nose will be the best. It happens that we put some character traits on display, thinking that they will attract attention, but in reality they only repel. Perhaps it’s better to be yourself, without trying to prove something to anyone? People will draw their own conclusions about what you are like. You should not impose an opinion about yourself, thereby digging your own grave. For some you are white, for others you are black, you can’t please everyone, and you don’t have to. The person who loves you will be able to see the best in you. And there is no need to set it up in the opposite direction, destroying your own happiness.

There is a truth that, like a heavy burden, poisons the life of the person himself. This is the truth about any unseemly actions that occurred, as a rule, out of youth, out of stupidity. Not every adult can accept this truth. Yes, the one who loves will accept you in any way, even dirty. And, perhaps, some facts of your biography should be covered by someone with whom you live and whom you trust. But there are moments when a person behaves like an egoist, dumping a stone from his soul onto another. This happened to Kirill, the husband of my friend. At one corporate party, where everyone drank heavily, he succumbed to temptation and...cheated on his wife. I cheated for the first time in my life, which I deeply regretted. He walked gloomier than a cloud, realizing that he had betrayed the woman who loved him. He suffered, scolded, reproached himself for his weakness. And, unable to bear the remorse of his conscience, he confessed everything to Karina. Has he felt better? Yes. The man got rid of a stone in his soul, passing it to his wife like a relay baton. This is the selfish truth. He saw that girl at the party for the first and last time, she was from another city and there could be no question of any continuation of the affair or revenge on her part. But Kirill chose to tell everything, because he could not bear this burden alone. It’s easier to divide it into two and throw some of the problems onto women’s shoulders. Now Karina was tormented, as Kirill had been recently, how could this happen, why? Unfortunately, such stupid betrayals happen quite often. If you are faced with a similar situation, some advice may help you cope with your feelings: from articles “How to survive betrayal? Forgive or let go? on the website "Sunny Hands" .

In such a situation, the person who made the mistake should, in theory, do everything to correct it. Telling the truth is the easiest, but not the most effective way to solve the problem. She stayed. By transferring our mistakes to another, we not only hurt our loved one, but also aggravate the situation, instead of directing all our strength to save the relationship and protect it from pain, disappointment and mistrust.

The truth about our former relationship... The most unnecessary of all truths. And not because there are a lot of, so to speak, skeletons in the closet, but because... why? Why talk in detail about the past when you have the present? Why savor details about ex-boyfriends and girlfriends, even if you are asked to do so? By the way, many people think that talking about your ex-love is quite normal. I recommend you read about this topic article “Should we talk about past relationships?” on the website "Sunny Hands" .

Yes, there was a relationship. Why did you break up? If their views on life didn’t coincide or if they didn’t agree on their personalities, that’s enough. But very often many make a big mistake, telling all the ins and outs of what happened: what he said, how he liked to dress, the nuances of romantic encounters, and so on.

A normal man, who is by nature a predator and a conqueror, will think that his woman is too easy prey, since she has had so many affairs. (On the topic of how to build relationships and get married successfully at Rashid Kirranov's there is an excellent book “How to make a man fall in love with you and get married successfully?” Book 3) Women, knowing almost everything about the “ex”, begin to gnaw inside a worm called suspiciousness. They begin to compare themselves and her. And it’s okay if the comparison is in your favor, but what if it’s not? Self-criticism has never benefited anyone.

I have a friend who asks her men as much as possible about his passions. Moreover, she even keeps a photo of her current boyfriend’s ex-wife on her phone. “Katya, are you a masochist?” - I ask her. To which she replied that she should know what her rival looks like, even if she is a former one... A very strange desire, in my opinion. Thus, you yourself allow the ghosts of the past into your life. A string of exes seems to be watching you from above and poisoning your real relationship. Personally, I’m not even interested in the name of my man’s ex-girlfriend or wife. And, believe me, the less you know, the better you sleep. It works! I don’t keep photos of ex-boyfriends either. I delete them from my phone, album and heart. Why do I need them? There are memories, there is experience, conclusions, and photos... Well, what adequate person next to you would be pleased to know that you sometimes look at photos of your exes.

Here it is - the truth. Sometimes so necessary, so necessary. But sometimes it is destructive and prevents you from building harmonious relationships. Learning to share it, to know when and what to say, and what should be kept secret for the benefit of the other person, is life wisdom. Not telling does not mean deceiving. This means protecting a person from unnecessary information that will bring nothing but pain. The main thing is to understand consciously what is better not to say and in what dosage to present the truth. By hiding and not telling, we also destroy the union. Therefore, the truth is, of course, necessary, but in moderation and in the right proportions.

Sincerely, Mila Alexandrova.

The secretary says to her boss:
- Sir, if you knew what gossip your deputy is spreading about you...
- All this is nonsense! The main thing is that he does not tell the truth.

Many of us, when we come to work, share our fresh impressions: the goat from the right lane prevented us from changing lanes, the child got sick, and for some reason my husband wants to go skiing again during the winter holidays instead of warming his wonderful butt somewhere further south... Colleagues have already become accustomed to and listen favorably to the traditional morning “brief.” But do you need that kind of attention? What should you tell employees about yourself and your personal life, and what not?

Curiosity, like fear, has big eyes, and ears and imagination are simply immense. A colleague will pass it along the chain, embellish it to her taste, present a special case as a rule - and consider everything saved on the image maker: if the circle is closed and the information reaches you, you will learn a lot of new things about yourself. Even if your immediate interlocutors radiate goodwill and compassion, a “damaged phone” will still bring its fruits - people tend to make generalizations and stick labels, especially in cases where the information did not come from first hand.

A holy place is never empty. Employees' hunger for information needs to be fed - for example, with stories about additional education in your specialty that you are receiving at the same time, or about your success in learning a foreign language.

But the best option is to ask questions and participate reasonably in discussions about the hobbies of your colleagues or your own hobbies, if they come up. When such conversations take place not at the workplace, but, for example, in a smoking room or in the dining room, they perform three useful functions at once: they take the subject of conversation away from the intimate details of your life, provide an opportunity to please a colleague by showing a keen interest in his hobby, and satisfy human need for communication.

There is an alternative point of view - personal information is necessary and important to improve relationships with colleagues.

It is absolutely not necessary to dedicate everyone to the ups and downs of your whirlwind romances; it is enough to share trifles, innocent situations, slightly criticize your husband, friend, mother-in-law... This is quite enough to build the image of “your person.” As popular wisdom says: “Don’t break away from the team, otherwise the team will break away without you.”

If you choose this tactic, keep in mind: although fraternization with colleagues is guaranteed, gossipers are not asleep. This is inherent in our nature: the person spreading rumors feels like the center of attention, the owner of secret information. In addition, discussing other people's problems helps you come to terms with your own difficulties. So the gossip runs to you to share intimate details of the employees’ biography. If the narrator is not your best friend, proven over the years and deeds, such revelations should awaken your suspicion. Calmly listen to him, without commenting on the information, and if the story is frankly unpleasant to you, do not hesitate to interrupt the interlocutor. The main thing is not to tell him anything personal either about yourself or others: such negligence can cost you dearly.

In cases where it was not possible to avoid whispering behind your back, it makes sense, firstly, to imagine yourself in the place of your ill-wishers and try to soberly assess why this is happening and how justified it is. Secondly, do not give in to the temptation to be sarcastic and “attack” envious people - by answering a slap in the face, you sink to their level.

Finally, it is extremely important to maintain a calm, professional style when dealing with these people, and not start conversations like “why don’t you like me?” and do not wash the bones of ill-wishers in the company of other colleagues.

There is another situation in which talking too much is not recommended, although often a truthful explanation will not hurt. We are talking about the need to take time off from work. If the reason for your departure is serious enough to mention, outline it, but don't go into detail. If the reason doesn’t look convincing, come up with something more ponderous. The main thing is not to abuse leaving work early and arriving late, and also not to set your boss up if he let you go. Such a disservice could be your telling your colleague about exactly what weaknesses of your boss you pressed on to get your way, or your joyful cries after they let you go.

From the point of view of managers, personal information circulating in the team is both good and evil. On the one hand, it is undoubtedly useful for the boss to know how employees live outside of work and how they feel about the atmosphere in the office. The main thing is that the information regularly reaches the “king” - and he will decide what to do with it, who to execute and who to pardon.

But in fact, the spread of gossip is an alarming symptom.

In a normal team, the balance between gossip and lack of personal information tends to the golden mean. And sometimes talking “for life” becomes an additional factor that unites subordinates: a Russian person is traditionally embarrassed to “sit on” and beat in the race up the career ladder the one with whom he went to the smoking room and washed the bones of his friends-partners, and sometimes even his superiors.

Gossip is not always aimed at eliminating a competitor or harming one's neighbor. There is information that is brought to the ears of superiors for a noble purpose: to help a colleague. There are times when a woman with a small child is embarrassed to take time off from work in order to take the child to the clinic or sit with him while he is sick: it seems to her that the limit of her requests is not unlimited and sooner or later at work there will be a resignation form waiting for her " of your own free will." But if her colleague knows that the boss is not aware of the situation, then a timely hint to the manager will ensure that the woman is sent home to her child who has the flu and even gets medical insurance.

But what about the leader himself? Should he share details of his personal life with his subordinates? It all depends on the management style and corporate ethics of the company. If it is customary in a company that employees address each other as "you", dress strictly in accordance with the dress code and observe the table of ranks, then it probably makes sense to talk less about personal matters. On the other hand, in companies where employees communicate with clients exclusively by phone, and within the team they talk as equals, the manager can afford to introduce a personal touch so as not to look like a “beech.”

Most modern Russian companies belong to a mixed type, and each boss has the right to choose his own style of communication with subordinates, optimally adapted to the situation and tasks that the manager sets for himself.

Of course, there are certain rules of the game, but in general it is impossible to predict the reaction of others. A healthy team cannot do without oddities: in one company, the head of a department from time to time used not the kindest words to remember his own mother-in-law and graphically complained that he was entitled to milk because it was harmful. After another excursion into the family history, the employees could not stand it and, having agreed among themselves in advance, the next day each brought the sufferer a carton of milk. The company was large, the department was also quite large. In general, can you imagine the scale of the disaster?!

Can you tell your friend everything?

Have you ever wondered what best friends are for? The answer, at first glance, is simple to the point of banality. Of course, in order to lend your fragile shoulder as soon as the need arises. Who can you trust if not her? Who will cry with you about your unsatisfactory personal destiny? Who will squeal with joy that luck suddenly fell right on your head? You can trust her with everything - from a bank card PIN code to a loved one. Female friendship is, of course, an amazing thing, although little studied. But what about your friend's 100% access to your personal information? Perhaps there are some caveats here.

Who are you, my friend?
Oh, how difficult it is to find a person in whose soul the same melodies play. Which surprisingly complements you or is simply your second “I”. Once we have found a girlfriend, we are sure that the idyll of mutual understanding will last forever. But this, with rare exceptions, is just a misconception. People and circumstances around them change. The one with whom she shared not only secrets, but also her only “decent” skirt, can become a sworn enemy. Especially if the main goals of life are at stake, be it a chance for career advancement or one beloved man for two. Therefore, if you do not want your opponent (aka your ex-best friend) to have any trump cards up his sleeve against you, it is better not to tell compromising facts about yourself. All “deadly secrets” - only to your own reflection in the mirror!

1. Success
Your friend, of course, sees for herself how lucky you are in your personal life (given her problems!). And it’s simply impossible not to notice your career achievements. This topic becomes especially dangerous if your friend’s state of affairs is the complete opposite. The main thing here is to remain modestly silent, without initiating conversations about your own “lucky star”. Maybe your luck will somehow be forgiven.

2. Family troubles
Stories that your husband is probably having an affair with “this new secretary” will cause a storm of sympathy from your friend and a significant amount of hidden gloating: “I’m not the only one who’s doing badly.” It may very well be that your suspicions are unfounded, and your relationship with your husband is at yet another peak of tenderness. And behind our backs, whispers will continue about the unhappy life of “one well-known couple.”

3. Intimate life
Needless to say, questions of an intimate nature can only be presented to a specialist if there is a special need. Your friend doesn’t seem to be one of those? Bed is a matter of only two people. And no one has the right to give him an “expert assessment.”

Should you get rid of your girlfriends?

A reasonable approach to relationships will allow you not to see your friend as a constant source of danger. After all, there are so many interesting topics to discuss: fashion, colleagues, classmates, art, a new boutique and, of course, the weather forecast.

Their skeletons in the closet Each of us has them: big or small, strange or even incomprehensible to others. But they all have one common unpleasant property: falling out of this very closet at the most inconvenient moment. In this article we will talk about how to regain the trust of your loved one and remain frank.

Secrets of youth

Scientists have calculated that people under the age of 30 lie the most. And lawyers even like to joke that everyone has something to jail for, the main thing is to look better. The same can be safely said about relationships. Each of us accumulates more and more experience every year, and moreover, negative ones. Often we act in a fit of anger or passion. Over time mistakes in relationships become a secret

Lie and stay

A fatal coincidence of circumstances, an extra shot of vodka and now the faithful confesses that he has a child from a random woman or that he had an affair on the side. Secrets can kill, but how to live further with the truth?

First, form your own opinion, and only then conduct an investigation and survey among your friends. After the first storm of emotions has subsided, talk to the deceiver frankly, find out all the reasons. At this stage, women are often let down by a feeling of pity. And most importantly, before cutting everything down, think about whether it’s connected loss of trust just a reason to break up with something I’ve wanted to do for a long time.

Free yourself from the burden of the past

It is best to start a relationship with a clean slate without lies. If you still have some disturbing episodes in your past, maybe it’s better to tell your partner everything from the start. Perhaps he, in turn, will want to tell secrets of youth.

However, secrets are different: you can get carried away with striptease and be ashamed to admit it, not knowing your man’s reaction. However, the opposite also happens. One of my friends kept a list of her sexual partners. Her husband somehow found a notebook and was not very happy about his place in it. Naturally it took place loss of trust and a huge scandal. So it’s better to burn such notebooks out of harm’s way.

If you still decide to keep your secret, soberly assess the situation and answer the question of whether it will work out. You can throw away the notebook, but it’s unlikely to get rid of witnesses. If secret revealed maybe in the future, it’s better to let him find out everything from you.

There are also secrets that have no statute of limitations and only become more dangerous over the years. These include secrets that relate to relationships with relatives, health, and family secrets. The very fact that you were hiding something from a loved one can really hurt him. Leave the man the right to choose.

Theme of trust played a very important role for Katya, so she immediately warned all her men that she could not have children. Some left immediately, others simply stopped calling at one point. One fine day, Katya even despaired of finding a man who could love her. However, he still appeared in her life and now she and her husband are planning to take a girl from the orphanage.

Question to a psychologist

Hello! I am 20 years old, I have been dating a young man for almost 2 years. We have a wonderful relationship, we love each other, we are planning a future life together. We have a serious relationship, in other words, we are sexually active. It seems that everything is just wonderful, but there is one “but”. I live with mother. She knows about our relationship, but doesn't know how close we really are. Mom is categorical about sex before marriage; she believes that decent girls cannot afford this. She did not let me (or rather, she was strongly against) going on vacation with a young man, because she believes that husband and wife should go on such trips. She doesn't like it when I go to visit him, so I just don't say that I actually visited him. In fact, there are many more things that prevent us from spending time the way we want. Should my mother know that we are already in a serious relationship, or would it be better for her not to know about it? After all, in this case, it turns out that I will become dishonest for her? Thank you.

Answers from psychologists

Hello, Anastasia

It seems to me that you are writing to the psychologists’ website because it is important for you to be told that you are not doing anything wrong. That you won’t be “dishonest” by telling or not telling your mom about the relationship.

Perhaps your mother has her own views on sex outside of marriage, but you are 20 years old, and you may have your own views (and not only on this issue) that do not agree with your mother’s. And this new experience is something that will be important for you to accept. This means that mom has her own destiny, and you, Anastasia, have your own, which means your own views. In your case, it would be important to ensure that sex is safe for you. Thus, you have reached a stage in life when you begin to take care of yourself.

In any case, you have to decide whether to tell your mother or not. In any case, it is important for you to be prepared for disagreement or some degree of misunderstanding. But this will mean that your relationship with your mother will move to another level.

Gulak Oksana Valerievna, psychoanalyst in Almaty

Hello, Anastasia.

Anastasia

Mother categorically refers to sex before marriage

Anastasia

She didn't let go I (more precisely, I was strongly against) going on vacation with a young man

Anastasia

She does not like when I go to visit him

Despite the fact that you are already 20 years old, your mother has an authoritarian influence on your life. With this style of parenting, it is difficult for children to become independent and independent. Which in turn affects their future.

The person being controlled resists this in every possible way. You also have to dodge and not tell your mother the truth in order to avoid control and retain the right to take responsibility for your life.

Anastasia

After all, in this case it turns out that I will become for her dishonest?

It’s a pity if she judges you by your actions and doesn’t accept you for who you are.

All the best.

Anastasia, hello.

Anastasia

Should my mother know that we are already in a serious relationship, or would it be better for her not to know about it?

You have every right to regulate the amount and depth of the information you share with your mother.

Anastasia

Mom is adamant

Anastasia

She does not like

Anastasia

she thinks

Anastasia, what do you think? What is your opinion on all of the above?.. Since this is your life, this is of paramount importance.

You probably grew up in an atmosphere of authoritarian control, not only over your actions, but also over what you think, what opinion you have on some issues. It's time to separate yourself and understand that having a different opinion from your mother does not mean criminal intent.

in this case, it turns out that I will become dishonest for her?

If your self-esteem is still inextricably linked with your mother’s opinion, then you can become “dishonest” to yourself, and this is much worse. Therefore, it is very important to understand and work through children’s attitudes, and evaluate your actions based on “your” parameters, and not on what your mother said in childhood.

Anastasia, I wish you adult decisions and the right choices. You are responsible for them yourself.

Sincerely,

Yulia Trofimova, psychologist Elektrostal, consulting via Skype