A couple is breaking up, the curious question is who. Why do some couples always break up and get back together? A real story and advice from a psychologist. Same or different

Almost half of all divorced couples try to give themselves another chance, and science has an explanation for this phenomenon. Previously it was believed that you could not enter the same river twice. But now scientists are confident that with the right approach, reunification may not be such a bad idea.

Why do divorced couples try to get back together?

A classic example has long been known when divorced couples get back together and even legalize their relationship again. The partner who initiated the divorce hopes that living alone and suffering from loss has taught his significant other a lot. The reunited spouses hope that now they will both be smarter. Not so long ago, scientists found another reason associated with separation. As experts suggest, the vast majority of couples are trying to restore relationships because they are not entirely sure of the correctness of their desire to get a divorce. Apparently, people break up under the influence of impulses and momentary decisions. Very often this is due to the discovery of treason. However, over time, the partners realize that they rushed to conclusions.

Prosaic conclusions

There seems to be nothing smarter than trying to stay away from your ex-spouse after a divorce. However, some people do have arguments that allow them to think about reunification. In 2013, researchers at Kansas State University found that nearly half of all divorced couples get back together at some point after breaking up. These attempts may not be successful, but there are positive examples. Most often, people assume that their partner has changed during separation and hope for improved communication in general. It's no secret that a lack of healthy communication often derails relationships.

Habit or fear of being alone?

In a new study published in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science, researchers from the University of Utah and the University of Toronto asked respondents about the reasons associated with separation and reunion. People who are more optimistic believe that their partner will change, so they try to restore the previous connection. The survey also revealed other conditions for reunification, among which the most common are emotional investments in the relationship (when love has not yet passed), family responsibilities (having common children), and fear of the unknown. Most people (66 percent) said they wanted to stay together because of the closeness and codependency that has developed over a long period of time together.

Why do people decide to divorce?

If we talk about the reasons for divorce, the list is also extensive. People break up due to lack of emotional intimacy, lack of trust and frequent quarrels. More than a third of respondents (38 percent) noted that they would not be able to forgive betrayal. Despite negative feelings toward their spouse, nearly half of participants (49 percent) do not rule out the possibility of getting back together. The researchers note that the results coincide with reality, since according to statistics, about 50 percent of couples get back together after a divorce.

The decision to break up is not easy

Experts emphasize that the decision to separate is not easy, and if one of the spouses has doubts, then these doubts will sooner or later make themselves felt. This duality explains why so many couples end up getting back together. Here's what psychologist Noel Nelson, Ph.D. and author, says about this: “As long as there are no serious problems, such as abusive behavior or selfishness, the relationship can have a second chance. Communication is the basis of success."

If you're considering getting back together, be honest with yourself and consider all possible motivations. Don't go back to your ex-spouse just because you're lonely. Don't come back because you're sad or think you'll never meet a decent person again. Look for a good reason, and once you find it, use the experience of your first marriage to prevent future mistakes.

Why do couples break up?

The reasons why people who were once in love with each other decide to break up can be divided into several groups.
The first reason is lack of communication, which generates disturbance of emotional intimacy. Communication is the foundation on which any relationship is built - relationships between lovers, between husband and wife, between parents and children. If communication is disrupted, due effort and time are not given to it, relationships begin to collapse. By sharing with each other the important things that happen in our lives, we thereby connect with each other through invisible threads called “emotional or spiritual intimacy.” And vice versa, a vacuum in communication leads to the so-called "emotional betrayal"- when we rush to receive a portion of attention not from a loved one, but from a nice colleague, knowing that they will listen to me, understand me and say a sympathetic word in response.
In order not to fall into the trap of this reason for the collapse of relationships, you need to pay special attention to communicating with your other half. It just needs to become a habit - ask how the day went, listen to all the news, tell your own. Of course, you get tired at work, and your loved one gets tired too. But let your consolation in such a situation be that you are donating your strength to the most important thing you have - love. Learn to listen, speak words of encouragement, or at least give a supportive hug. Believe me, this will do a lot to preserve and develop your relationship, especially if it has cracked. Intentionally save all the most interesting news for your other half, without wasting yourself on colleagues, even very attractive ones. In this way, you will protect yourself from unnecessary temptations and unnecessary worries.

The next reason for separation is inability to express one's feelings and desires. A person carries everything within himself, suffers, negativity accumulates inside him, and then it explodes, and either a strong quarrel occurs, or, if everything inside has already been incinerated from insults and unforgiveness, the relationship suffers a final fiasco.
In order not to become a hostage to such a situation, you need to give yourself permission to talk openly about your emotions, what you like and what you don’t like, and learn to do it in a way that does not offend your partner, that is, constructively, in a gentle way. It is usually difficult to learn how to do this on your own. All kinds of psychological aids come to the rescue, and targeted work with a family psychologist will be even more effective. Being able to express your feelings is an extremely important skill, because accumulated, conserved feelings cause psychosomatic diseases in people, for example, panic attacks, neuroses, and others. Therefore, if you learn to correctly tell your husband or wife about your anger or irritation (instead of yelling), this will not only save your family relationships, but also preserve your mental health.

The next in a series of reasons why people put an end to relationships is: incompatibility of partners. People who have different spiritual and moral values, different views on certain aspects of life enter into relationships. Of course, partners should not be a copy of each other, but in terms of fundamental values it is still desirable to coincide.
In order not to live to see the day when you realize that you are “completely different people,” you need to “look at both sides” at the beginning of the relationship. The choice of a partner must be approached very carefully. Usually people make their choice under the influence of emotions - falling in love intoxicates the head, passion heats the blood. However, you need to be able not to lose the ability to think rationally even in such a state, although, of course, this is very difficult. That is why, at the stage of choosing a partner, it is very useful to seek advice from your parents, more experienced people in life whom you and your parents trust, and also, if you are a believer, from your confessor. In this situation, these people, who are not blinded by emotions, unlike you, will give you a sober look at your chosen one. Moreover, their advice is valuable because they know you very well and can give a fairly accurate forecast of how well you can get along with this person.
And of course, you should never make a choice just because you like having sex with this person. If sex is the main “filling” of your relationship, interest in each other will quickly be lost - as quickly as sex becomes boring. Therefore, we must always remember that people in a couple should be united by something greater, important, and deep. Ideally, these are spiritual values.

Another reason why relationships break down is selfishness partners. If a person sees only himself, thinks in terms of “let him first apologize, and then I will ask for forgiveness!”, if he does not know how to sacrifice himself and does not want to understand that this must be learned in a relationship, such selfishness will leave its author unhappy. And it won’t bring happiness to his other half.
What to do? Probably, of all the reasons mentioned in this article, overcoming one’s own selfishness is the most difficult. Because selfishness is essentially a part of the structure of a person’s character, which was formed under the influence of upbringing, and was consolidated and developed in exactly this form for many years, decades. It is difficult for a person who is used to living like this to rebuild himself, because it is so convenient and comfortable for him. And only when his love relationship began to “burst at the seams”, he begins to understand that something is wrong, that he is doing something wrong. Although it also happens that some egoists do not even want to see the contribution of their selfishness to the destruction of relationships. The only right way here is to learn to listen to your soulmate and give in to her, to do as your partner wants, even if you don’t want it, but want to do it your own way.

The last reason for couples to separate, which I will name in this article, will be the reason that many people experience nowadays. It is connected with our employment. We so We devote a lot of time to work, making money that we often sacrifice what we actually earn this money for - love and relationships.
The way out in this situation seems to me to be a reassessment of your values and vision of yourself in the future: do you want to live like this for 5, 10, 15 years - seeing your wife and child only on Sundays? Do you understand what your child will remember in this state of affairs? He will remember the longing for his parent, and not those toys that you bought him with the money you earned. And the wife who married you, she did it in order to feel your warmth and love, to see your courageous eyes, and not to count the money you earned, sitting alone in the kitchen. Over time, living in a long separation becomes a habit, and people gradually lose the need for each other - this is how love is destroyed. Please take care of her.

How to increase your self-esteem when you realize that you are not loved and you are no longer needed?

Sometimes this happens like a bolt from the blue, sometimes this situation matures gradually, and the party that will be abandoned in the end understands that everything is gradually moving towards such an ending. Regardless of how it happened, the realization of the fact that you are being abandoned most often causes fluctuations in self-esteem. Sometimes these fluctuations are so strong that a person literally mentally kills himself for breaking up with his loved one. Those. the one who was abandoned blames himself entirely for what happened.

Let's think about it, is he really completely to blame for being abandoned? What causes one person to break off a relationship with another? The reasons may be different, but to generalize, the basis of the breakup is the fading of feelings. To put it simply, one fell out of love with the other.
It may seem that it is definitely the fault of the abandoned person that they stopped loving him. Of course, this also happens. For example, a girl can “blow her mind” to a guy about his low earnings, which in the end can lead to the guy getting the impression that she doesn’t need him, but his salary. However, often such behavior on the part of a girl does not lead to a cooling of the man’s feelings, although it introduces dissonance into their relationship. Those. A person’s inharmonious behavior does not always lead to a change in his partner’s feelings. Just like “correct” behavior is not a guarantee that feelings will persist. Yes, this is such a fragile thing - human relationships. Sometimes they “fall apart” when you don’t expect it at all.

All people are exposed to various influences during their lives and react differently to these influences. This is the process of our development. For some it proceeds faster, for others slower. And this process does not always proceed synchronously for the two “halves” of a couple in love. It happens that the development trajectories of two people diverge so much that it is difficult for them to be together. It often happens that one of the partners notices this first. And it is he who eventually becomes the initiator of the breakup. He realized earlier that they were not on the same path together, and the decision to move on in life on his own (or with another person) began to mature in him earlier. And he, as more courageous, as more honest, as more congruent with the situation (in other words, calling a spade a spade) is the first to put an end to the relationship.

Usually, if a person understands his guilt in the breakup (for example, like that girl who set the earnings bar for her boyfriend), the end of the relationship is less painful for him. Such a person realizes that he made a mistake and understands that it is in his interests not to step on this “rake” again. On the other hand, he somewhere considers his unconstructive behavior to be correct, and he perceives the breakup somewhere as a way to defend his interests and views.
If the behavior was, in the opinion of the person himself, “correct,” then the initiative for separation from the other party is incomprehensible, and therefore, first of all, the abandoned “half” begins to look for reasons in himself: “What did I do wrong? What did you push me away with?" And often the answers to these questions lie in the plane of different vectors of development of two people: what’s wrong is that you have plans for the next 5 years to start a family and have children, and he has an open relationship (or vice versa), because you want go to church on Sundays, but he considers this obscurantism and does not respect your religious views (or vice versa), because you want to be the first for him, and he always listens to his mother, and then to you ( or vice versa, you listen to your mother first, and then to him), and so on.

At some stage of the relationship, you were interested in being together, you came into contact with each other at some points, but this period has passed, and now everyone needs to move on their own path. The one who understands this first and is more honest usually initiates the separation. Did the fact that your partner was the first to notice the difference between you made you feel worse? You yourself understand that no. Then why does your self-esteem fluctuate? Why did you begin to consider yourself worse just because your loved one saw you before you, that you were very distant from each other in important life issues?
They leave not because she is “bad”, but because she is “bad” - together it is bad. Spending time together no longer brings the same joy as it used to, because there is a difference in views on how to communicate with each other, what intimacy should be like, who should be the leader in the relationship, etc. - so significant that it is easier to be alone than with this person.

I’ll emphasize this idea again: they don’t quit because they’re “bad.” There are men who like bitches: to add some “spice” to their daily existence. In the same way, there are women who like negative heroes who keep their other half “on pins and needles”, in good shape. And those who like such psychological types continue to build relationships with them, despite such “pepper” behavior, and create families.
Feelings can be exhausted even in relation to a “positive” girl. And not at all because there is something wrong with her. It's not about her, but about the one in whom these feelings have changed. The series of his reactions to this or that behavior of his “half” in total led to the fact that love left. Was this caused by the fact that the person did not want to forgive the insults, or because he did not want to change those aspects of himself that interfere with the improvement of their mutual understanding, or because he has some plans for his own life - in In any case, a break in the relationship occurs, and often the abandoned party is not directly to blame for this.

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The initial absence or loss of trust leads to the fact that the foundation of the relationship collapses: feelings of security and reliability disappear.

Trust is destroyed by jealousy (whether justified or gratuitous), or the realization that a partner is not keeping his promises, or both, mixed into a cool cocktail of suspicion and resentment.

Mistrust entails a painful existence for the couple: reproaches, interrogations, a nasty, draining feeling that you are constantly being deceived, a feeling of guilt, restriction of the partner’s freedom, which can harm his career growth and social interaction.

2. Different goals in life

You understand that it is impossible to run for a long time in one harness if you are pulled in different directions. If the partners’ goals in life do not intersect or touch in any way, they will not be able to build a long-term relationship.

Sometimes relationships even prevent one of the partners from moving towards their goals and living the way they want.

3. Violence

Thoughts of physical or sexual violence immediately come to mind. But, besides this, there is emotional violence, the injuries from which heal much longer and more difficult than bruises on the body.

Signs of emotional abuse:

Attempts to completely control the partner.
Verbal humiliation: insults, unfounded and constant criticism, derogatory words.
Demonstration of strength and power with the aim of causing fear in a partner.
Excessive jealousy, not only towards people, but also towards work, goals, hobbies.
Expectation that the partner will serve and fulfill all wishes.
Partner manipulation.
Depriving a partner of the right to vote when making general decisions.
Attempts to isolate a partner from relatives, friends, and in general from life outside the relationship.

When we talk about violence, it seems that the role of evil must be a man. However, this is naturally not the case. Women do not so often demonstrate physical violence, although it sometimes occurs, but they can manifest themselves in all colors in psychological violence.

4. Frustrated expectations

We are happy when everything happens the way we imagined or better. And we are unhappy when reality turns out to be worse than expectations. Frustrated expectations associated with a partner lead to frustration and anger, which is poured out on him.

In our head there is an image of a partner, on it he is the way we want to see him. Unfortunately, your loved one has no idea about this picture and is unlikely to want to go out of his way to live up to it. And if we are to be completely honest, then it should not correspond to what you have come up with for yourself.

However, we do not give up hope of still “finishing” our partner to the ideal. Hence the constant whining and dissatisfaction, criticism of everything that the partner does, ignoring his achievements that do not fit into the desired picture.

5. Addictions that you can’t fight

Those that make life unbearable: alcoholism, gambling and drug addiction. Undoubtedly, when problems are just beginning, the support of a loved one can help cope with them. But, unfortunately, very often nothing helps until the person himself realizes that he needs to fight.

Let’s add here a pathological dependence on a former lover or beloved, the fight against which will most likely be lost, no matter how much energy and strength you put into it.

6. Distance, boredom, habit

Different goals and communication problems lead to partners moving away from each other. They can be kept together by fear of loneliness, children, financial dependence. But when there are no restraining reasons left, the couple quickly breaks up.

A classic example is empty nest syndrome. When children grow up and leave home, parents suddenly feel like strangers with nothing in common, having been focused on their children for years and neglected to communicate with each other.

7. Different speed of development

By the way, this is one of the reasons for distance: one of the partners is constantly developing and changing, the second remains at the same level as when they met. The result is different interests, worldviews, goals, priorities, social circles.

8. Financial problems

Financial problems are not only a lack of money, but also problems with their distribution. For example:

One of the partners earns more than the other, which makes the second partner feel incompetent and financially dependent.
The total budget is distributed based on the wishes of only one partner.
One of the partners spends money without consulting the other, which then results in a lack of funds for common needs.

9. Breakdown: emotional or physical

Physical gap: partners (or one of them) are not satisfied with their sex life and cannot discuss the accumulated problems and find a solution.

Emotional breakup: partners do not know how to communicate, do not know how to empathize and support, do not understand each other. Discontent is growing, which they also cannot explain or discuss. As a result, everyone looks for support on the outside: from friends, relatives, new acquaintances.

Often a person looks for the missing components of a relationship from members of the opposite sex, which leads to new crushes and betrayals.

Leo Tolstoy argued that “every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way,” but we will allow ourselves to argue with the classic. The reasons for discord in relationships are always the same, but it is not always possible to recognize them behind ordinary quarrels.

The video below shows a typical quarrel (similar ones have probably happened in your couple), but it was led to deep problems in the relationship.

It's no secret that a couple can reconcile after a divorce. The thing is that, in fact, parting is not always a final break. Most couples, even living apart, are still in the process of making a decision. Each partner periodically wonders whether he wants to try to save and renew the marriage, or whether breaking up is the only right choice.

A step towards reconciliation in this case can save an almost destroyed relationship. This is a very powerful and serious intention, which means that you need to find a way that will try on two sides, two positions and two beliefs that are opposite to each other. We often hear that almost half of marriages end in divorce. But in fact, recent statistics generally indicate the opposite.

It is difficult to list all possible reasons leading to divorce. But the most common reasons for separation are:

Treason;
Lack of normal relationships;
Dependence on drugs, alcohol or other substances;
Detachment in family matters;
Financial instability;
When decisions on all complex issues lie with one partner;
Possessiveness and selfishness;
Physical/mental violence from one of the partners;
Physical/intellectual incompatibility;
Reduced level of self-esteem;
Serious health problems of one of the partners.

In addition to all the above reasons, another reason for the separation of married couples, paradoxically, is the uncontrollable desire to save the sinking ship called marriage by any means necessary.

How to save a marriage: ways of reconciliation

As the old saying goes, “it takes two to tango.” In the same way, reconciliation requires the desire of both partners. Instead of blaming each other for all the deadly sins, the couple should focus on how to revive their former love. How to return your relationship with your husband to the level when you loved and respected each other. There are several simple ways to achieve this goal. They will help save a marriage that is on the verge of divorce.

Avoid heated arguments and discussions
Prolonged arguments and discussions can lead to hostility. Remember, it is the ego that creates the discussions. Don't let your ego get into the game of heated arguments in order to avoid conflict and all the troubles associated with it.
Think of your partner as your best friend
Sometimes in a relationship it is important to play the role of a boyfriend or girlfriend. This is necessary so that your spouse can trust you and share even the most frank thoughts that he previously kept to himself.
Visit the places that brought you together
Memories tend to have a lasting impact. You should visit the places where you went on dates. This approach will help revive old feelings and save the marriage.
Restore your marriage certificate
Going through the experience of separation and the traumatic process of ending a marriage after a couple's reunion can help you realize the sanctity of marriage and love. Recovering your marriage certificate will allow you to get closer to your partner again.
Show your appreciation for your partner in every possible way.
Just a little gratitude can bring a friendly smile. Try to praise your spouse for everything he/she does, putting aside your differences.
Express your love for your partner verbally
Very often, we forget about expressing love to our spouse. Tell your partner how much you love him. Take care of him or her, tell them what importance the person holds in your life.
Learn to compromise
Compromising on every issue is not an ideal solution. But, trying to cultivate the habit of giving in, at least in some moments that do not always suit you, is very useful. This way, you demonstrate to your spouse that you are ready for reconciliation.
Give your partner personal space
Try not to be overly pushy, which could irritate your partner. Personal space is important for everyone. At these moments, a person can do what he loves and become happy because of it.

And lastly. Reconciliation after a breakup can have positive results, but in any case it is a difficult process. It requires awareness of yourself and your partner. Requires a deep analysis of the situation that served as a crack in the relationship. A couple must learn to be considerate of each other and communicate in a way that allows everyone to feel heard, respected, and committed to maintaining a healthy relationship. Couples who want to go down the path of reconciliation must be willing to let go of anger and pain.

Many would argue that this is easier said than done. Forgiving and restoring trust is very difficult. But this is the only way to save the relationship. It is a slow process and not many can go through it. After all, trusting again is always extremely difficult. But a couple who wants reconciliation with all their hearts and fulfills all the above points will be able to restore the relationship and save the marriage.

The beginning of a new relationship is accompanied by a storm of emotions. We feel the passion. We feel as if we have gone on an exciting journey.

In general, relationships go through 5 stages, and most often fail at the third stage.

If your love is strong enough and it successfully overcomes the third stage, the relationship will only become stronger. You will become more confident in each other and more open.

It is important to know about the five stages of love. This knowledge will help you successfully overcome various difficulties that arise at one stage or another.

« Loving someone deeply gives you strength, and loving someone deeply gives you courage.”–

Lao Tzu.

First stage: Everything is new. Everything is amazing and wonderful.

You met someone. Every meeting with this person makes you tremble with happiness! Each touch seems to send an electric current through your body, and kisses are filled with passion, excitement and desire for more.

Throughout the day, you constantly check messages on your phone. You want to know what this person is thinking about you every minute. You're eagerly counting down the seconds until your next meeting.

You communicate and reveal different sides of your personality to your loved one. You are trying to determine the best style to communicate with him. This is a kind of game full of unexpected twists and discoveries. You flirt and (probably) have a lot of sex.

Maybe this person helps you show your sense of humor more often. Around him you laugh more often than usual. Maybe he makes you want to act recklessly. You do things that you would never have dared to do before. You enjoy the emotions that you experience next to this person. You want this to go on forever.

Stage two: You are in love. You develop a routine together.

The second stage begins when you and your partner officially become a couple. You already realized that you love this person. You have decided that you want to be with each other.

You most likely still make love often. However, sex has now become part of the daily routine. At the same time, it became more significant. The connection between you has become stronger. It is at this stage that, as a rule, people get married and have children.

Spontaneity in relationships is replaced by routine. You and your partner are closer than ever. With each other you can be who you really are. Each of you has responsibilities. You are trying to determine your role in family life.

Stage Three: You are faced with the harsh realities of life.

Unfortunately, most couples break up at the third stage. Even though you still love the person, things are different now.

Romance has sunk into oblivion. Everyday life took its place. Children and career are now at the forefront. You begin to wonder what happened to those relationships that once literally took you to the skies.

Maybe the whole point is that you and your significant other haven’t arranged a romantic date for each other for a thousand years. All your “romance” comes down to watching TV and eating sweets in bed. Maybe you even feel disgusted. Moreover, to yourself for all the chances in life that you missed. You feel like you'll never get these opportunities again.

All those little things you used to put up with now seem like huge, extremely annoying flaws (in your significant other's behavior/character). It is quite possible that you are dreaming of a different life. You think about all the things you could be doing. You feel as if you are tied hand and foot.

It is at this stage that you begin to ask yourself: “Did I really make the right choice then?” It is at this stage more often than at others that couples break up.

Stage Four: Your couple reaches deeper understanding.

If you and your significant other manage to overcome the third stage, you will begin to look at each other differently. You see and perceive your partner as he really is.

It's possible that both of you have changed. These changes could affect your career and children. You could move to another city or even another country. Since the beginning of your life together, a lot of things could have happened.

You no longer expect the impossible from each other. You have become much better at understanding and explaining your needs and desires. At this stage, you honestly admit to yourself that before (at the third stage of the relationship) you felt unhappy.

You are looking for ways to solve all existing problems, come to a compromise and continue to move on in life, despite all your (and his) shortcomings.

Stage Five: You love each other again and move on with your lives.

You and your significant other have admitted that you are both imperfect. You remember what you love so much about each other.

The feeling of disgust does not arise at all because something about our significant other infuriates us extremely. It arises because we are disappointed in ourselves. This disappointment is caused by the fact that we did not keep the promises we once made to ourselves. We didn't become what we wanted to become. We didn't achieve what we wanted.

But life is unpredictable. Maybe you both have similar dreams that neither of you have ever fully realized.

Maybe you will make a joint decision to travel more. Maybe you decide that you need to spend more time together. The best way to reintroduce romance into a relationship is to combine personal development and spending time together.

« New love is the brightest feeling on this planet. Strong love is the greatest feeling. Revived love is the most tender feeling,”-