That children need a father. Does a child need a father?! Patterns of fathers' behavior. What should a father do with his baby?

Psychotherapist

Statistics first

That is, many girls and boys have an empty set as a father figure. And many mothers reasonably say: “Why is it needed at all? I can cope without him!”

Why do you need a father?

The father figure may well be replaced by a second loving adult - a grandmother, grandfather, godfather or other partner of the mother.

It is the second adult that is very important for the child!

And it would be easier and better for everyone if in the place of this second adult there was a good, adequate, loving dad. Which we usually don't have.

What happens to a girl who does not see a second loving, safe person next to her mother? Or if this person is indifferent to her? It's very simple: it adapts. In Russian: he gets used to it. This family structure becomes basic and understandable for her.

Even if the mother of this girl herself considers such a family to be bad and broadcasts this to everyone around, for example, in the statements “Yes, he is a goat! Yes, he is a brute” or “Your father abandoned us”, or “If only I had married a normal man” and so on, including a girl, the child gets used to this particular family model.

This paradox usually leads to the fact that adult, independent working girls next to a man include a very contradictory scenario: “I’m so fragile, gentle, warm, caring, JUST TRY TO DO SOMETHING WRONG, I’LL RUN Away!”

What grows out of nowhere

Often, thanks to this, the man chosen turns out to be:

– indifferent (a girl would rather notice the social gesture “he came with flowers” ​​than the fact that a man openly yawns at the story that a naked bulldozer driver tried to rob her)

- uninterested in children (he says “it would be wonderful to have children... I come home: they are happy with me,” and the girl is happy. Subsequently she learns that this is all that a man is ready to accept from children, and - in general - all his options for spending time with them)

- unable to distinguish their needs from the needs of the couple (for example, on the second or third date, he orders everything to his taste, without asking the girl, and then also keeps a budget, buying a house on the lake near Orsk with jointly saved money, not paying attention to the fact that his the girl hates Orsk and everything connected with it, because “IT’S SO COOL”)

– not interested in her time and resources (she’s half an hour late for meetings without apologizing, and then also constantly promises to come early to pick up her son from kindergarten, but every time it’s not fate; on the first date he takes her phone to call without asking , and then pawns her car to start her own business).

And it can be difficult for girls to notice how selfish, indifferent, uninterested, and sometimes downright rude and disgusting their partner is - because this is exactly what they are used to.

One of my clients was so interested in being a good girl to her husband that she missed that her husband was a seventy-pound-gain alcoholic drug addict who lived off her money.

A good father (or at least a grandfather or uncle) gives his daughters an understanding of what a caring, loving, and safe couple is like. It is very important for all girls who have not had this experience to try to catch this feeling in some other relationship - at work, in friendship, on a sports team.

Collect - albeit piece by piece - this puzzle. So as not to “pull the burden out of habit” - the way their mothers and grandmothers did, and if they do enter into a relationship, then with someone who will truly make their life better.

There are many cases when a child is left without a father. Divorce of parents, their quarrels, or general ignorance of their dad - all this leaves a negative mark on the baby. Modern mothers are just wondering whether their child needs a father. They are confident that they can handle everything themselves. But this is fundamentally wrong.

At all times, every child needs a father. Despite his age and status, he needs it. Of course, many will say that mother can replace everyone. This is true, but the baby must grow up in a complete family, where there are at least two models of behavior - mother's and father's, and, looking at them, he will learn to compare and choose for himself. Psychologists believe that, no matter what the father is, he still influences the development of the child’s personality. In order to understand this, we can give simple examples of situations where a child grows up without a father.

If a child lacks a father in the family, he becomes emotionally unstable and feels vulnerable in front of other two-parent families. This entails further psychological problems, which will manifest themselves both in kindergarten and at school. In future life, such stress may result in alcohol or drug addiction, because problems from childhood will not leave him even in adulthood. Children in single-parent families most often become suicides. When a child does not see his father in his family, does not see his influence on his relatives, the child himself will in the future be incapable of relationships with the opposite sex, he will not have an example of building a proper happy family. The absence of the father in the family often transfers to the mother in the form of quarrels and reproaches. The child begins to believe that she deliberately separated them, which means she is bad and only wants evil. If a girl does not have contact with her father during adolescence, she cannot independently understand relationships with boys, because her mother will tell everything only from her side. Therefore, the child will not be responsible and will have no real protection. And the absence of dad and boys is most often the reason for their feminine behavior in adulthood.

Now let's look at two-parent families where mom and dad live in peace and harmony. If a child grows up with his father and mother, he is confident and independent. He doesn't feel left out, the whole family loves him. The baby looks at the development model of the parents’ relationship, and this is how he will build his family in the future. In such families there are no emotional outbursts, so the child’s psychological background is stable, which means this does not affect studies and performance. Such children are able to achieve great success in their hobbies because their parents love them. A child who communicates with his father knows how to control himself, obey his elders, he is quite happy with life, because in it he has two main people who will advise and help.

For a girl, dad is very important in her upbringing. During puberty, he will look after her, give practical advice in relationships with boys, make sure she is on the right path, and will not let her take a wrong turn. Dad is also important for self-confidence in appearance. If a dad thinks his daughter is beautiful, all the boys around will think so. This builds confidence in yourself and your actions.

With the help of such simple reasoning, it becomes clear that the father in the child’s family is very important. But what kind of father does a child need? What should be taken as the basis of behavior? To talk about an ideal dad, you need to know the disadvantages of imperfect fathers. And then it will become clear what and where to get so that the child is proud of his dad.

And the fathers of modern children are completely different. Psychologists have even identified several types of father behavior. From each type you can take out the main positive features for yourself and use them to create your own ideal.

Dad called "outsider". This type of father is ready to walk with the children and make them laugh, but they consider feeding and cleaning up after the child to be the mother’s responsibility and will never take it up. After all, it’s easier to keep a child occupied for a while than to care for him all day. All serious responsibilities are transferred to the mother.

“Creative” fathers appear in the baby’s life only when he begins to grow up, and there is no need to clean up his diaper after him. But most often this happens late. The child no longer feels the same connection with dad and does not trust him. Communication doesn’t work, no matter how hard dad tries. Usually such parents are also offended by their children, saying, “I’m trying to be closer, but you’re moving away.” But the connection has already been lost.

The "jealous" daddy competes with his little one for his wife's attention. They are very sensitive about the fact that their woman fell in love with another “child”. After all, he must be alone. Therefore, when the child begins to cry, the father-husband begins to desire his wife’s attention. And so every time that the wife is torn. Solving such a problem is extremely difficult.

“Authority” in the home is both good and bad. Dad should be the head of the family - everyone knows this. But this type of father often simply suppresses all the child’s endeavors with his dominance, establishing his own rules that cannot be broken. Although it's not clear why. Such an attitude towards children can lead to two scenarios - either the child will do everything in defiance, or he will not be ready to do anything without the father’s decision. Neither case is positive.

The ideal type of father is the “keeper of the hearth.” Such a father will make the child’s happiness the goal of his life. He will do everything for him and in his name. All endeavors will be received with enthusiasm. But there is one problem. If this is the girl’s father, then in her future adult life she will look for a husband similar to her father, which will be extremely difficult to find. This leads to disappointment. But if a son grows up like this, there will be no end to girls.

The second ideal of a father is a “mentor” who will always help and tell everything. But this should only be the case in childhood and adolescence. As adults, children must make their own decisions. From this typology of dads, both positive and negative aspects can be identified. And each of them teaches. And everyone will decide for themselves what kind of dad they should be.

The main thing is that children love their parents, respect them and always listen to them. It is impossible to become ideal for everyone, but you can raise a good person. After all, no one knows how to properly raise their child, everyone has mistakes, but they learn from mistakes.

Mom remains. There are fathers who want to maintain relationships with their children, and there are also those who completely withdraw from their upbringing.

But does a child need a father? The site for mothers supermams.ru will try to figure out how important a father is in raising a child.

Psychologists have been studying the problem of single-parent families and the influence of one parent on raising a child for quite some time. What is without moms It is very difficult for a baby to live and grow up - there is no doubt. But what about the father - does the child need him? How much influence does a father have on the development of his children's personalities?

Let's look at the known facts that relate to the positive and negative sides of this problem.

If children grow up without a father, then...

• Problems arise in areas such as emotional and behavioral. This entails poor performance at school, and in the future such adolescents may become dependent on alcohol and drugs. An unstable emotional state in adolescents growing up without fathers leads to suicide much more often than in children in two-parent families.
• Without seeing the example of their father and his influence on the family, such children at a more mature age are not able to create their own.
• Psychologists believe that the absence of a father develops aggression in children, which spills over onto the mother, sometimes even in physical form. This happens because the child was not familiar with fatherly discipline and masculinity.
• Girls suffer more due to the absence of a father during adolescence. After all, the father’s task is to encourage his daughter’s independence and help her become more responsible.
• The absence of a father leads to the development of feminine character traits in boys.

Children growing up with their father...

• They are more confident in themselves, and most importantly, self-sufficient. This helps them develop relationships with the opposite sex much easier.
• Research shows that children in two-parent families are more likely to succeed in school. Scientists attribute this to the fact that it is fathers who develop in their children the abilities and talents that nature instilled in them.
• These children are more likely than those who grow up without a father to have such qualities as self-control, obedience, as well as self-respect and responsibility in their actions.
• The father directly influences the formation of gender identification in his son and daughter. The son looks to his father as an example. This helps him develop masculine character traits and behavior. And the daughter needs from her father to receive recognition of her importance as a woman, which occurs thanks to the girl’s high self-esteem. A father who supports her in her actions and decisions, and also admires her abilities and appearance, lays the foundations thanks to which the girl will become a full-fledged woman in the future.

Thus, we understand that the father’s influence on the child’s upbringing is just as important as the mother’s, and here we cannot talk about a clear priority of one of the parties. Fathers are the best people to raise their children to be independent, active and responsible people.

Therefore, when asked whether a child needs a father, we answer - he does! Moreover, today men are much more willing to participate in raising children, compared, for example, with the middle of the last century.

Patterns of fathers' behavior

Now let's look at some basic patterns of behavior among fathers. Let us make a reservation that these models are presented in absolute terms, which, of course, never happens in life. More often you can find mixed models of relationships between fathers and children.

Outsider

This type of behavior is manifested in a willingness to take care of the baby, but this concerns more games and walks, and these fathers consider activities such as changing a diaper or feeding to be the prerogative of the mother.

The extreme manifestation is leaving all worries to the mother.

Creator

Often such dads are completely unprepared for the appearance of a baby in the house, and only as they grow older do they begin to become involved in his upbringing.

Unfortunately, this sometimes happens too late, when the child already decides that dad is not interested in him, and the thread that should connect them after birth is already lost. Because of this, the child often develops distrust of his father and lack of attachment. Also, these fathers are often completely incapable of raising their daughters, because they do not know how to communicate with them.

Jealous

Jealous fathers may compete with their children for their wife's attention. If the mother pays too much attention to the child, the father may perceive this with dissatisfaction. In such cases, conflicts often arise, because the woman is between two fires, and her heart is with the child, but she doesn’t want to lose her husband either. Therefore, only she can solve this problem by paying equal attention to both.

Chief or Manager

An authoritarian type of father - he often suppresses any initiative of the child, not allowing him to make his own choice in a given situation. Attempts to protect a child from mistakes in this way lead to the exact opposite result - children become unable to do anything without the help of their parents.

Nest Keeper

This is the most ideal option for dad. Such men dream of children, they make them the goal of their lives, and actively participate in their upbringing and development.

This is a great example for a son, but he can play a bad joke with his daughter - having become accustomed to such a model family relations, she will spend her whole life looking for such a husband, whom, as practice shows, she most likely will not find.

Mentor

Such fathers are always ready to explain the reason, discuss the problem, and advise. This is one of the most optimal relationship styles, since it involves direct participation in the child’s life.

Father's love and mother's love - is there a difference?

It must be remembered that fatherly love is different from motherly love. The love of a child and mother is unconditional, it binds them from birth and for life.

The love of a father for a child and vice versa is acquired love. The father does not carry the baby within himself, he does not “grow together” with him with every cell. Therefore, a father's love is formed in the first years of a child's life. You can often hear that fatherly love must be earned. There is some truth in this. If the mother accepts the child for who he is, then the father promotes the development of natural abilities in his son or daughter, encourages them to achieve, and helps them constantly improve. You could even say that a father’s love is a kind of reward for the child’s success.

That is why we do not talk about the prerogative of raising a mother or father. The most important thing in a child’s life and his normal development is the love of his parents, this is the feeling that makes the child always feel safe, knowing that even if something doesn’t work out, his parents will support him.

Positive self-esteem is a very serious factor influencing the development of the personality of any person. And for every child it is much more important to know how his father or mother treats him than the attitude of his peers. Self-sufficient children who grew up in a family with a good father will always be able to solve their problems in relationships with other people, while children who only heard reproaches and remarks from their father become unsure of themselves with age; they may fear that everyone around them will evaluate him negatively. This worldview can lead to deep depression, and the child may spend most of his life fighting it, instead of developing and improving.

So, the influence of the father on the child shapes his personality during the first 15-20 years of his life. At this time, the child especially needs his father as a serious interlocutor with whom he can discuss personal problems. The task of fathers is not to isolate themselves from their children, but to try to understand them. That's why children need a father so much.

Nobody taught us to be parents. We looked at our parents and decided what we wanted to be. And now our children are looking at us. And it depends only on us what they see and what they become.

Discussion

I do not agree. What kind of single-parent families were studied? I think there is a very large percentage of families there after divorce. And this is not an incomplete family and there is a father there! And in many cases it is far from the best. And the problems of children are not from the absence of a father, but from his presence and his bad relationship with his mother. Many fathers in Russia are aggressive, drink, beat their wives and children. Many fathers in Russia completely abandon their children after a divorce, and this is a very serious trauma for the child. And the divorce itself with scandals between parents is not the easiest test for a child. So no need to turn it upside down. The most problematic children come from complete, unsuccessful families. There is no need to classify them as fatherless. Before, it was not customary to truly give birth without a father, so this is rare and it is unlikely that there are real statistics on such families.
And further. Both the love of a father and the love of a mother must be unconditional. The assessment will be from others. A CHILD DEFINITELY DOES NOT NEED A CONSTANTLY EVALUATING FATHER-JUDGE!!!

It’s interesting: the author wants to answer the question “does a child need a father,” but in the end she herself finds only one ideal type of father. And the rest - are they necessary or not? That is the question.
I know ideal husbands who grew up without a father, and one like mine, who grew up in a complete family with a tyrant father. What kind of masculine behavior is he teaching my son? Teaches to be rude, insult and use force as the only argument. But these would-be psychologists brainwashed me that any father is necessary. I endure it like a fool. It still takes time to get your brain back.

Some kind of crap....
No logic, no structure
Did the schoolgirl do something as an essay on family science?

I have seen many successful families created by people who grew up in single-parent families,
and I do not agree with the diagnoses listed in the article.
nevertheless, the child definitely needs a dad, simply because it is better with a dad than without a dad.
and I don’t agree with the types of fathers, I can’t classify either my father or my husband into any category, they are from those categories that simply blindly love their children. They are not creators, guardians or mentors, but they look at their children as a miracle.
and it was not a problem for my father to wash the diapers I had pooped, and my husband also changed our son’s diaper.

and I do not agree that it is difficult for a girl who grew up with a loving father to find the same father for her children.
on the contrary, it helped me find a husband, I just looked into the eyes of my future husband and realized that he was such a wonderful person

Kick-ass... what kind of home-grown opus is this??? It’s immediately clear that he was writing by someone who saw all this only from the outside or who clearly sees these problems in himself for some other reason.
I made the following conclusions from life observations. A visiting and absent dad is more the norm in the modern world than nonsense. There is NO suffering in children mainly in the absence of their fathers! The image of the father is read and taken from society (uncle, grandfather, cinema, works, neighbor, Martyr, etc., i.e., from anyone who enters the family as a friend and a person who is trusted and respected. They tolerate a minimum.) And children take roles and certain traits from everything and everyone who communicates with the family of a given child for a shorter period of time. because In addition to influence, any child also has his own ability to think.
And the listed “diagnoses” are generally complete nonsense!
but in general, I agree and support Bun, who writes below about why it’s unclear what complete family is better than a normal and harmonious mother + child. And the reason is not in children or mothers... the reason is in the strange brainlessness of individual citizens, more often than not men, who, driven by Feelings and Fireworks of emotions, forget about some simple and ordinary things. About children and their developing psyche... and about the fact that every careless movement reverberates in the child with a couple of splashes...

So what can a father, the Creator (according to your qualifications), give to a child?
What if, even as he grows older, he does not begin to be involved in his upbringing? And the thread that should connect the child and the father is lost. Moreover, these fathers are often completely incapable of raising their daughters, because they do not know how to communicate with them.
Why is dad like this? Who does not want to communicate with a child either at 2 years old, or at 6, or later? Its presence as furniture will do little for the child to understand the role of the family and accept the family model. Rather, on the contrary, it will give the girl the idea that all men are...

Somehow everything is deep in theory. This statement simply killed me: “Without seeing the example of the father and his influence on the family, such children at a more mature age are not able to create their own.” - I have a lot of women I know who grew up without a father and have wonderful families in the present. Moreover, in most cases, peace in the family is maintained through women's efforts. In addition, if the father and mother have a difficult relationship (which very often happens), then it is still unknown what idea of ​​the family model the child will grow up with and how he will be able to build his relationships with the opposite sex.

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Psychotherapist

Statistics first

That is, many girls and boys have an empty set as a father figure. And many mothers reasonably say: “Why is it needed at all? I can cope without him!”

Why do you need a father?

The father figure may well be replaced by a second loving adult - a grandmother, grandfather, godfather or other partner of the mother.

It is the second adult that is very important for the child!

And it would be easier and better for everyone if in the place of this second adult there was a good, adequate, loving dad. Which we usually don't have.

What happens to a girl who does not see a second loving, safe person next to her mother? Or if this person is indifferent to her? It's very simple: it adapts. In Russian: he gets used to it. This family structure becomes basic and understandable for her.

Even if the mother of this girl herself considers such a family to be bad and broadcasts this to everyone around, for example, in the statements “Yes, he is a goat! Yes, he is a brute” or “Your father abandoned us”, or “If only I had married a normal man” and so on, including a girl, the child gets used to this particular family model.

This paradox usually leads to the fact that adult, independent working girls next to a man include a very contradictory scenario: “I’m so fragile, gentle, warm, caring, JUST TRY TO DO SOMETHING WRONG, I’LL RUN Away!”

What grows out of nowhere

Often, thanks to this, the man chosen turns out to be:

– indifferent (a girl would rather notice the social gesture “he came with flowers” ​​than the fact that a man openly yawns at the story that a naked bulldozer driver tried to rob her)

- uninterested in children (he says “it would be wonderful to have children... I come home: they are happy with me,” and the girl is happy. Subsequently she learns that this is all that a man is ready to accept from children, and - in general - all his options for spending time with them)

- unable to distinguish their needs from the needs of the couple (for example, on the second or third date, he orders everything to his taste, without asking the girl, and then also keeps a budget, buying a house on the lake near Orsk with jointly saved money, not paying attention to the fact that his the girl hates Orsk and everything connected with it, because “IT’S SO COOL”)

– not interested in her time and resources (she’s half an hour late for meetings without apologizing, and then also constantly promises to come early to pick up her son from kindergarten, but every time it’s not fate; on the first date he takes her phone to call without asking , and then pawns her car to start her own business).

And it can be difficult for girls to notice how selfish, indifferent, uninterested, and sometimes downright rude and disgusting their partner is - because this is exactly what they are used to.

One of my clients was so interested in being a good girl to her husband that she missed that her husband was a seventy-pound-gain alcoholic drug addict who lived off her money.

A good father (or at least a grandfather or uncle) gives his daughters an understanding of what a caring, loving, and safe couple is like. It is very important for all girls who have not had this experience to try to catch this feeling in some other relationship - at work, in friendship, on a sports team.

Collect - albeit piece by piece - this puzzle. So as not to “pull the burden out of habit” - the way their mothers and grandmothers did, and if they do enter into a relationship, then with someone who will truly make their life better.

The mother gives life to the child, and the father opens the way to the world. Probably, for a man, father is the most honorable title of all—it contains justice, strength, and affection.

But the title of father is not only an honor and honor, it is also a difficult burden; in order to be a father, you must have a special talent, you need to devote your whole life to it. And if mom personifies tenderness, then dad is an authority, and his responsibilities do not simply boil down to making money, as, unfortunately, sometimes happens. The father is responsible for a huge number of things: for mastering the world, for the child’s acceptance of his gender, and for the development of basic skills. Dad will always come to the rescue, he understands, he forgives mistakes and teaches us to overcome difficulties.

What is the role of the father in the family? How to become a good father? How not to harm a child's development?

It’s worth starting with the fact that a father’s love in itself is active and creative. Dad’s mission is to raise a child, to become a guide in a complex and difficult life. It is very important not to harm the child, not to break him, voluntarily or unwittingly. A competent approach is definitely needed; the age capabilities of the child should be correlated with the level of requirements for him. The key concept here is responsibility for the fate of the child. You must emphasize and cultivate in your son or daughter all the good that you have, and cut off the unnecessary, harmful.

The most important thing is to actively engage with your child and spend as much time with him as possible. The father is important to the baby from birth. It is noted that men, as a rule, are not only better able to help a child cope with speaking skills, but also teach him to find cause-and-effect relationships and manipulate objects through toys, puzzles, and construction sets.

In addition, the image of the father is also important for building relationships in the mother-child pair. The father must help the child separate from the mother. Also, through the father, the child learns about social relationships and comprehends the hierarchy of society. And it all starts, for example, with getting to know the kindergarten. The process begins from early childhood and continues until the beginning of independent life.

Children trust their father to a very strong extent. Therefore, it is very important for a man to keep his promises and never promise what he cannot give. Unfortunately, sometimes fathers do not attach importance to this and consider it something unimportant, for example, a trip to the zoo or a walk in the forest. However, the price of such carelessness is too high. Otherwise, you can damage the child’s soul, undermine trust, and shake faith in the brightest. Moreover, excuses like “no time” or “forgot” do not work.

It is the father's responsibility to gain and maintain authority for the child - dad can do everything. And you need to obey not because he has a belt, but because dad loves the child and knows how to do it, how to bring maximum benefit. Father is discipline, requirements, norms. This balance is important for the development and growth of a child's personality, but what is important is not the punishment itself, but the lesson that can be learned from it. Therefore, all rules must be explained - and fully assimilated.

As for the child’s assessments and his actions, here you need to act extremely carefully. Praise is good, it is vitally important for a child, but, of course, one cannot do without negative assessments. However, try not to speak badly about the child himself, evaluate only his qualities and actions. Let's hope, some way out. Not “you’re bad,” but “you did something bad, and you need to correct yourself to make it better.” Illiterate criticism, condemnation for its own sake can completely ruin interest in any matter, even the most interesting, and mentally wound a child.

Forget about caustic ridicule - this is very bad in any case. This is too powerful a tool that humiliates a child. Education must be truly productive. And, unfortunately, there is a phenomenon when a father gets irritated with a child, taking out his bad mood on him or expressing himself through this. Such an ugly phenomenon simply should not exist.

Check your actions, subject them to careful analysis. Look at yourself from the outside. Remember that the child will copy the father's behavior model. If something is wrong, most often look for the reason in yourself.

The birth of a child becomes the strongest test for the strong half of humanity. Psychologists even talk about a paternity crisis. So education is a two-way process. And, probably, it won’t be an exaggeration to say that what we need to do is not raise children—we need to educate ourselves. Remember, your children really need you.