“one of my “slaves,” a mature, influential man from the “authorities,” comes to me once every two months for a spanking session in order to get rid of the feeling of guilt for his unfair decisions” - “facts.” Why is it important to learn to submit to your man? A man tries to submit

Based on equality and partnership. This can only be so in theory. In real life, we all manipulate each other to a certain extent. Therefore, questions arise about how to subjugate another person.

We have all heard stories about how a seemingly plain woman, not distinguished by either beauty or intelligence, is capable of winning the heart of any knight. From the outside it always seems that there is some kind of catch in this. “Well, what did they find in her?” - neighbors and colleagues complain. Or maybe she just knows how to subjugate a man and knows how to use her talents not only in bed?

In the old days it was believed that “the husband is the head.” The wife, therefore, will turn her neck wherever she wants. This truth is the main secret of how to subjugate a man to yourself. You need to let him feel like he’s in charge, the “head.” That one and only, for whose sake you are in both fire and water. Is the maxim about “the way to the heart through the stomach” correct? Not for everyone and not always. If you know how to cook your favorite dishes, if you use aphrodisiac products wisely, it is suitable. But let's remember the many stories about how husbands leave their thrifty and excellent cooking wives for the sake of others... For which ones? In fact, it turns out that for the sake of those with whom they feel good not only at dinner or in bed. An important point for those who want to know how to subjugate a man: let him feel freedom of expression. Listen and listen again. Assent, don't criticize. Even when telling you about his feelings for another, he involuntarily becomes dependent on you: after all, no one will understand him like you.

Create and maintain an atmosphere of trust. Allow him to do things that he is not allowed to do at home. For example, throwing socks around the room or smoking in the living room. If you immediately use an orderly tone or find fault with little things, you will not get your goal - the answer to the question of how to subjugate a man. But then, when he understands that you truly support him, you can begin to carefully pursue your interests. Again, convincing him along the way that no one but him can help you. Don't make any demands. Try to express all your desires in the form of a request, or even better - a slight regret: “Oh, how nice it would be...”

If the relationship between a man and a woman is based on respect and affection, he will certainly want to fulfill your whim. And if he feels like a knight on a white horse, his ego simply will not allow him not to give you a royal gift.

The secret of how to subjugate a man is quite simple. Give him confirmation of his significance, his uniqueness. This, in general, applies to any person. There is only one “but”: even if you openly flatter him, never let him feel your insincerity. Try to believe in all the virtues that you praise. Everything else doesn't really matter. One more caveat must be made: never convince a man that you “mean nothing.” Among them there are few psychologists who are ready to increase your self-esteem. Most likely, your partner will believe you and look for someone who has a better opinion of herself.

Secrets about men that every woman should know de Angelis Barbara

Mistake #5 Women submit to men

Mistake #5

Women submit to men

I am sad to admit that for many of us, discussing the issue of “why women submit to men” will seem redundant and unnecessary. As we noted above, throughout the long history of mankind, the role of a woman has been to submit to a man - this is a sad reality rather than a mistake. However, based on my experience, I can confidently say that identifying for yourself the mechanism of your subordination to a man and developing ways to overcome this phenomenon means taking the most important steps towards creating healthy, warm, cordial relationships.

I call those of us who submit to a man in the hope of earning love for it, martyrs for love. A martyr is a person who decides to make a personal sacrifice for a cause. As for women, here we often deal with the fact that they sacrifice self-respect, self-esteem, self-esteem and their purity in order to earn the love of a man.

Are you a martyr in the name of love?

Here is a questionnaire that will help you determine whether you are a martyr in the name of love. It contains ten of the most characteristic features of martyrs in the name of love. You can fill out the survey based on your current relationships, your past experiences, or your relationships with men in general. Rate yourself based on how often you do these things:

Very often - 0 points

Often - 4 points

Sometimes - 8 points

Rarely or almost never - 10 points

Answer these questions with utmost honesty. It may be unpleasant for you to admit these actions to yourself, but realizing your mistakes is the first step towards overcoming them.

Ten Most Characteristic Traits of Martyrs in the Name of Love

1. You feel like you have to tiptoe around your date so as not to anger or upset him.

2. You feel like your partner doesn't always treat you with the respect you deserve.

3. You feel more confident and strong at work or with friends than in the company of your companion.

4. You feel awkward when you have to express your negative emotions to your partner.

5. You feel hesitant when it comes to asking your friend for something, and sometimes wonder if you are being too “demanding.”

6. You feel that your partner treats you worse than you treat him.

7. Your companion behaves towards you without proper love, and you try to surround him with even more care and attention, hoping to earn his favor.

8. You believe that you need to try to convince your partner that you deserve love, affection and have the right to freedom and equality.

9. You often defend your partner or apologize for their behavior, both to yourself and to others.

10. You often get angry at yourself for constantly trying to please a man, but even if you vow to never do it again, you still continue to put up with the fact that you are loved less than you deserve.

Now count your points.

80-100 points. Congratulations! In your relationship with your man, you maintain your dignity and do not sacrifice yourself in an effort to earn love. To prevent problems in the future, work on yourself in those areas where your grades are lowest.

60-79 points. You are not a complete martyr in the name of love, but you often submit to a man in certain areas of the relationship. The fear of losing your partner or causing his disapproval prevents you from demanding respect from a man. Try to love yourself more and compromise less.

40-59 points. Attention! Whether you want to admit it to yourself or not, you are playing the role of a slave. You allow a man to mistreat you and do not stand up for your dignity. You are so accustomed to sacrificing yourself in the name of love that you never feel natural and comfortable in the company of a man. Follow the advice given in this chapter and finally begin to feel at least some of the love that you so easily give to a man.

0- 39 points. Anxiety! You are a professional martyr in the name of love! Realizing how badly men treat you, you have almost completely lost self-respect. Don't expect to be loved unless you start loving yourself. It's time to stand up and start feeling like a woman, and not a doormat on which to wipe your feet. And this needs to be done urgently! Use the advice I offer in this book, find someone to help you and support you, stop putting yourself down and start living with self-respect.

How we humiliate our feminine dignity

All these characteristic features given in the questionnaire are different manifestations of the same thing: humiliation of our feminine dignity. This means: allowing men to treat us in ways we would never want our daughters to be treated; not defending one’s dignity when it is necessary; living in fear means causing disapproval or earning criticism from your partner; live with significantly less love and attention than you deserve.

Every time you allow a man to treat you disrespectfully or unworthily, you lose self-respect.

The result is what I call a vicious circle of negative self-esteem. Here's how it happens: you allow a man to mistreat you - perhaps he insults you, or refuses to court you when you are tired or sick, or gets angry if you want to discuss your relationship with him, or hurts your feelings in some other way. way. You do not protect yourself, but at the same time you feel psychological discomfort and become depressed, as a result of which your self-esteem decreases. And if your self-esteem is low, then the next time a man humiliates you, you will have even less courage to stand up for yourself. So the circle is complete.

A vicious circle of negative self-esteem

The only way to break this vicious cycle is to stand up for yourself and maintain your self-esteem; Do not allow yourself to be treated disrespectfully and unworthily. By doing this, you will gain respect for yourself, and as a result, your self-confidence will increase. And next time you won’t allow yourself to be humiliated.

Maybe you are already accustomed to humiliation from men

When you bought a new car and got behind the wheel for the first time, have you suddenly realized how difficult your old car was to drive?

Has it ever happened to you that, after moving to a new, more spacious apartment, you suddenly suddenly began to realize how cramped your old home was?

Has it ever happened to you that, after putting on a new comfortable pair of shoes, you suddenly realized how uncomfortable the old one was?

Whether you realize it or not, it is quite possible that you allow a man to treat you poorly simply because you are used to it. Human beings tend to adapt to the environment in which they live, and often we are not aware of discomfort until that environment changes. When we suddenly feel the difference between pairs of shoes, or apartments, or cars, or relationships, we admit to ourselves what discomfort we experienced before.

We are so used to being treated without due respect that we allow men to love us much less than we deserve.

Until recently, I submitted to every man I was in a relationship with. I put up with not being valued; I have tolerated behavior from men that I would never allow any of my clients to tolerate from their partners; I sacrificed my desires and needs in an effort to adapt to my companion; I lived in constant fear of disapproval. Did I suspect that I was a martyr in the name of love? No! I could have sworn I acted like a strong, confident woman. The truth was that I was so used to being humiliated that I didn’t even think about what I was doing. Should I blame my men for this? Not at all. First of all, I didn’t love or respect myself, and they just did the same.

Now, for the first time in my life, I have finally learned to maintain my dignity in relationships with men, but it was not at all easy! The habit of being a martyr in the name of love still makes itself felt and pushes you to retreat and sacrifice something in the name of love. However, with the help of the methodology developed in this book, with the support of my friends and inspired by my partner, who wants me to maintain my dignity (and hates it when I act like a slave!), I am becoming an equally strong woman in relationships what I managed to become in my work.

From slave to fury:

How women first tiptoe around men and then rebel against them

Louis, thirty-six, and Linda, thirty-two, had been dating for nine months before they came to me for counseling. “Linda drives me crazy,” Louis began. - When I met her, she was a sweet, charming, kind woman with whom I wanted to spend my whole life. But after two or three months she changed dramatically. She became aggressive, sarcastic, and sometimes just cold. I tried to talk to her about it, but she doesn't want to hear anything. I can’t get over it, but I feel like she’s turned into a real bitch.”

While Louis was telling this story, Linda sat on the sofa and looked sullenly ahead. Something told me that I could understand her if we talked in private, and I asked Luis to leave.

Tell me about yourself, Linda,” I suggested. - I would like to hear your story about your relationship with Louis.

For two years I was engaged to one man, I was then twenty-nine years old. I was crazy about him and was ready to do anything to make him happy. By the way, this is why I ended up in California. He had to move from Texas to California, and I quit my job and came here with him. He was seven years older than me, and I just prayed for him.

As Linda talked about her former friend, her eyes filled with tears and her face softened.

What happened between you? - I asked quietly.

“I was so stupid,” she said. - He never treated me well, but I endured, endured everything... And he kept postponing our wedding day. One day I returned home from work earlier than usual and found him in bed with the secretary from his office. Imagine, he began to convince me that this episode meant nothing and that there was no reason to break off the engagement.

When Linda relieved her soul, I hugged her. I understood the essence of her relationship with Louis. Linda, who had endured humiliation from her ex-fiancé for a long time, received such a deep wound that she subconsciously decided not to allow men to hurt her anymore. From a slave she turned into a fury - after tiptoeing around her fiancé for a long time, she rebelled against Louis. No wonder Louis couldn't understand Linda's change.

Many women go this route. Having gone through humiliation with one man, they vow to not allow this to happen in the future and, as a result, rebel against another, unsuspecting man. Then, realizing the harmfulness of such behavior, they again turn into slaves. And so on.

Another option for such a transformation could be a situation when we turn from a slave into a fury within the framework of a relationship with the same man. I have a friend who drives her husband crazy with these kinds of changes. For a week she obeys him in everything and behaves like a slave, then she begins to be angry with herself for her weakness and rushes to the other extreme, becoming cold and aloof. When he, fed up with her coldness, rebels, she immediately gives in, asks for forgiveness and turns back into a slave.

It is this type of behavior that gives men a reason to call women “eccentric”, “unpredictable”, “hysterical”, “bitchy”. The only way out of this situation is to find something in between a slave and a fury, to live in accordance with your life values, which will allow you to avoid changes from submission to rebellion.

Solution: Stop submitting to men.

1. Stop encouraging men to treat you inappropriately.. Veronica and her husband David had a terrible fight. It all started when Veronica asked David to help her choose new wallpaper for the kitchen, and David didn't show the slightest interest in it. The more Veronica begged, the more irritated he became, until he exploded and yelled at her. Calling her a “bitch,” David ran out of the house, slamming the door.

And so Veronica, falling on the bed, cries, wanting to turn back time and find peace in the family. She hears David come home and enters the living room and turns on the TV. Worried, she jumps up and, wanting to restore peace as soon as possible, runs into the living room, sits on the floor next to David's chair and puts her head in his lap, sniffling. He's watching TV. A few minutes later she feels David's hand stroking her head and she knows he is no longer angry. Veronica turns to him, takes David's hand in hers and says, “Oh, honey, I'm so glad you're back. I've missed you. I do not want to quarrel with you". “I don’t want to quarrel either,” David says with a sigh of relief. The couple kisses, and the rest of the evening passes in an atmosphere of family idyll.

The apartment of Sharon and her friend Ernie, there is a scandal between them. Ernie has just told Sharon that he is going to have lunch with his ex-girlfriend, who doesn't know that he lives with Sharon. When Sharon asks Ernie if he told his ex-lover about her, he admits that he didn't and explains that the girl is very unstable and he is afraid of hurting her feelings. Sharon is furious. “You care more about this idiot’s feelings than mine!” - she screams offendedly. “I don’t want to listen to this nonsense anymore!” - Ernie shouts back at her and, slamming the door, leaves for work.

All day Sharon is in a bad mood, she is tormented by imagining Ernie having lunch with this girl, how rude and insensitive he was to her, Sharon, in the morning. Hours pass, her fears grow, and now she can no longer think about anything except that she is losing Ernie. She knows that she won't see him until late in the evening and decides to prepare a pleasant surprise for him. She bakes his favorite pie, buys a bottle of good wine, and decorates the table with candles. At eleven-thirty Ernie returns home and Sharon runs to the door and embraces him. “Come in, darling,” she whispers. - I've missed you. I don’t want to part with you for anything.” “I don’t want to part with you either,” Ernie answers her with relief, seeing that Sharon is in a good mood. And they spend a wonderful evening together.

What do you think about these two stories? Do you feel like there's a happy ending? Do you think these women knew how to build relationships with men? If you think they behaved correctly, you are deeply mistaken! Veronica and Sharon may have thought they were being understanding, kind, and forgiving, but in reality they were acting like martyrs for love at their worst. They rewarded their partners for their disrespectful attitude!

Women make one of their biggest mistakes by responding to men with tenderness and love when they are treated poorly.

How do we do this? We hug and kiss men who allow themselves to speak to us disrespectfully; Not only do we not stop the man who is shouting at us, but we also ask him for forgiveness for making him angry; we are making love to a man who literally treated us like dirt a few hours ago and didn’t even think to apologize; we surround with warmth and care men who have offended our feelings in order to show them that we still love them.

What conclusions do men draw from this behavior of ours?

You can treat me any way you want, I will still love you. Moreover, the worse you treat me, the more you intimidate me, the more tender and affectionate I will be.

Such behavior can be represented as follows: you have a puppy in the house; You come home one day to find that your dog has soiled your favorite white sofa. Seeing this, you go to the kitchen and bring the dog his favorite food as a reward! You do the same thing when you kiss a man who has wronged you.

Animal trainers always emphasize the importance of discipline for a dog - you will certainly poke your puppy's nose into the puddle he made, hit him on the nose with a newspaper and say, "Don't you dare get the couch dirty again!" I'm not suggesting you roll up a newspaper and punch a man in the nose when he's "misbehaving." I just want to draw your attention to the fact that by rewarding a man for treating you badly, you encourage similar behavior in the future.

Express your hurt and anger to him; wait for his reaction, which should show you that he understands your feelings and feels remorse for his behavior; discuss how you would behave in a similar situation if it were to happen again in the future; and only after that kiss your friend!

2. Make two lists: “In what ways do I submit to a man?” "How I play the role of a slave."

It is very important to write all this down on paper. In doing so, you may for the first time recognize your role as a martyr in the name of love, and this is the first step towards overcoming this bad habit. Show these lists to your friend so that when you promise yourself to behave differently, you know that someone will be monitoring you from the outside.

3. Make for yourself a list of rules of conduct, in which you must determine what is allowed and what is not allowed in a relationship with a man. I'll talk more about this in the final chapter of the book.

4. Maintain your dignity! I really love this phrase. I wrote it on small pieces of paper and pinned them all over my house. When I feel ready to become a martyr again for the sake of love, I look closely at this phrase, trying to let its meaning sink deep into my consciousness. I almost always regain my sense of self-respect after this. It is important here not only to understand the meaning of this phrase, but also to understand how you should maintain your feminine dignity.

Remember! Maintaining your dignity in a relationship with a man does not mean suppressing your partner. This means treating yourself with love and respect, which will certainly cause a man to feel the same way about you.