Mistakes of parents in raising children. Who is in charge in the family - the child or the parents? You're not too careful

Often, in a relationship with your child, situations may arise about what to do. The child wants one thing, you want another.

For example, you are tired and want to go home, the child wants to take a walk in his sandbox with the kids. How to be.

Different parents do things differently.

Someone takes your hand and pulls you home, despite the cry of your child.

Someone stands and waits, despite the fact that he is tired and hungry.

What behavior is optimal?

If you really need to do something or go somewhere, try talking to your baby. It happens that a child (depending on age) understands within 10-15 times that you need to go and is ready to go home.

It is better to solve the problem through communication.

If my child doesn’t want to go home, I do the following: I approached him once and told him about my intention, then I approached him again and informed him, then again...

Until he agrees and we go home peacefully.

PARENTS OFTEN FIND THE STATUS OF THE CHIEF IN RELATION TO THEIR CHILDREN

This status is fraught with bad consequences, children begin to fear you... and where there is fear, there is no love.

You break off your direct relationship and move away, if you can give an example for comparison, you stood nearby and communicated comfortably, and now you climbed the mountain and give commands what to do to your children, this is a different quality of communication.

Here the child will no longer say that he doesn’t like something, he will remain silent or obey, because he is afraid to contradict.

As a rule, children in such families can leave their families early for an independent life, so as not to be eternal, infringed on their rights, subordinate, but a full-fledged person.

See how your child communicates with his peers, very lively, interested...

What about you?

If it is compressed, meager, and is looking for a reason to quickly move away from your communication, it means that there is a large gap and distance between you, perhaps you keep yourself in status and feel like you are in charge, and he is a subordinate and must do what you tell him, whether he wants it or not .

WHEN YOU CAN REVIEW YOUR FAMILY RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR CHILD

It's never too late to reconsider.

The first thing you can track is how often do you behave incorrectly in your relationship with your child? If the answer is - he is always wrong. You are in status.

If you still happen to be wrong with him, the next question.

How often do you apologize for your mistakes? Never or rarely - you are in the status of a “big parent”.

You should ALWAYS apologize to him. You will be amazed how quickly your children will forgive you for your serious mistakes. They want to be friends with you

Perhaps your father or mother treated you this way and you adopted their model of behavior - to subjugate children to your will.

But it's never too late to reconsider.

It is sometimes useful to do the following periodically in order to restore the child’s mental balance, this is to allow him to control himself.

For example, he tells you where to sit, where to go, do it, no big deal.

Sometimes he tells you what to eat and what to bring, you can do the same. You will be surprised what kind of friend you will become to him.

The main thing is to maintain a balance; if a child can put on his shoes himself, but he demands that you put them on for him, then it would be better if he put them on.

In general, always look and analyze your behavior, and you can also track whether it harmed the child or not.

Maintain balance.

It is probably psychologists who most often encounter contradictions in the educational approaches of parents. After all, all people are different: in some countries it is customary to pamper children, in others - to keep them strict, in Russia a runny nose is a reason not to go to school, and in the UK even chickenpox and scarlet fever are not exempt from classes.

But when an ordinary Russian family comes to see a psychologist, where the spouses may have grown up on the same street, there are also plenty of reasons for disagreements. And no wonder, because each of us was born on our own planet, in our own separate state called “Our Family”. It would be incredible luck to meet a “one-planet” in your orbit: a person with similar life principles, with the same system of views, values, and habits.

So, if in your family it was customary that on Saturdays dad takes the children for a walk so that mom could calmly do the cleaning and put herself in order, but in your husband’s family, on the contrary, the father did not come close to the children until they were so old , so that you can talk with them about space, it is difficult to avoid conflict. You, of course, will expect your husband to participate in upbringing, and for a long time he will consider children exclusively your “hobby”.

By the way, many dads still do this: at first they readily delegate all educational issues to their wife - after all, this is, frankly, a rather tedious and boring task, and the baby only needs his mother! But the baby is growing up, and dad is in no hurry to take up his duties. Some are afraid of doing something wrong and getting reproaches from their wife (after all, this has happened more than once!), others are simply accustomed to their mother deciding everything, although they do not mind becoming “in charge.”

It is important to remember that many everyday problems require discussion: at what age should a child be sent to kindergarten? Will the mother work and who will then help with the child - the grandmother or the nanny? Should I rock the baby or “let him scream”? And even the sacramental: is it possible or not to spank children? Our first reaction to any problem will always be automatic, learned from our parents' family, from our childhood unconscious memories of how our parents treated us. Even if we, adults, do not agree with the educational methods of our family, at first a sharp cry will still emerge from our subconscious: “Don’t cry! Boys don’t cry!”, or tender: “Come to me, I’ll kiss you and everything will pass!” - and only then logic and one’s own principles of education will come into play.

So it can be considered a great success if the spouses come from the same social circle and have approximately similar memories: for example, both the husband and wife had parents who treated their children kindly, there was peace and mutual respect in the house. Then many reasons for conflicts simply will not arise, because we, without hesitation, repeat the pattern of our parents’ lives - and everyone feels good about it. And, by the way, even if in both families the children were treated harshly, and the parents often quarreled and even fought among themselves, this will not lead to significant fluctuations in the family course of the new family - you will all be quite comfortable on the “battlefield”, because this is a familiar background.

Who is the boss in the family?

Who is the boss in the family?

The issue of family leadership also partly stems from childhood: if your experience coincides with that of your spouse (for example, in both families the mother had priority in resolving issues), then it will not be difficult for young parents to agree on a division of responsibility.

But let's imagine a situation where the daughter of a single teacher marries the son of an Airborne Forces general. And they are trying, for example, to agree on which sports section to send their five-year-old son to. Mom says: “I would like my son to develop a sense of harmony and plasticity. Let him go to classes with pleasure - I don’t like it when children are forced and humiliated.” And my dad, who was sent to Sambo as a child, although he would prefer to play the violin, is sure: “We need a real man to grow up!” So that he could protect himself and his woman! And your ballroom dancing is fun for fashionistas, my son won’t dance in a bow tie!” So we talked.

If we take a closer look at the feelings of parents, we may hear two sad stories. One will be about an independent girl who walked home from school alone, warmed her own lunch, walked in the yard, how hard it was for her to look at her always tired mother. And the leading need of this grown-up girl will be the search for security and prosperity, which is why she married a brutal and loud guy who promised her protection. And the second story will be told by a failed violinist who suppressed all his emotionality in himself in order to gain recognition from his father, a professional military man, whom he idolized. Therefore, he found himself such a wife - sensitive, quiet, not at all like his mother, the stern wife of a colonel.

But they still can’t agree on their son, because too different fantasies and expectations are embedded in the very concept of a “real man” that the baby should turn into. And both parental families also have their influence on the formation of the child’s character. In the general's family, it was accepted that all fateful decisions are made by the father, at least this is declared and demonstrated to the children. The fact that these decisions were carefully thought out, and then through subtle manipulation were brought to the general’s consciousness by his wife, children are not supposed to know.

And in the family of a lonely teacher, the main one was the grandmother, who was used to deciding everything herself. But this was due to the situation in the country - in the post-war period, many women raised children on their own; there was simply no need to consult or take anyone else into account. But it turns out that even in peacetime, a young mother, who grew up in a family with a leader grandmother, automatically assumes full responsibility for the child, and even gets scared when her husband tries to “command”.

Understand each other

Fortunately, it is possible to overcome the problem of miscommunication. The simplest and at the same time the most effective way is to talk, discuss in detail what you both expect from raising a child. Why are you sending him to the sports section? How will you feel if he succeeds in a certain sport? What if, on the contrary, he doesn’t succeed? And by the way, what would you like to do? And this is also a very important point, because very often the argument is not about your particular boy, but about yourself and how you feel as a parent. For example, about why it is difficult for a courageous dad to hold back tears at children's matinees (and therefore he tries not to go there, hiding behind being busy). And that in fact, since childhood, you have dreamed of spinning at a ball, but for some reason you think that you won’t be able to and will look stupid.

In general, as you can see, everything comes down to our own childhood. Where you feel pain, where there are tears and unspoken grievances, where you feel like a failure, conflicts and struggle begin. And it would be much more honest to ask the child himself what he wants to do. Although, of course, like any preschooler, he wants a new construction set and a water park with dad, but he categorically does not want to go to any section; kindergarten is quite enough for him.

Who is to blame and what to do

Who is guilty?

Another common situation that causes conflicts: one parent prohibits something, and the second cancels this prohibition. This usually happens in young families, where children are a kind of conventional measure of success for mom and dad, confirmation of their own worth, purpose and meaning of life. It is then that issues of discipline, education, feeding and child care can become a real arena of power struggle for parents. After all, whoever takes better care of the offspring is the winner of the non-existent “Best Parent in the World” competition, and he has more honor.

But the second parent is also not going to sit idly by and quietly or loudly begins to sabotage the orders of the first. For example, a dad got angry with his son for laziness and poor performance and took away the tablet for a week. And in general, this is quite fair - there was no need to play a new game instead of lessons until the night. And two deuces the next day were also well deserved.

But the mother feels guilty because, firstly, she did not follow her son’s regime, and secondly, she feels sorry for the boy who does his best to demonstrate despondency and repentance. She is also angry with her husband, who for some reason began to come late in the evening and last weekend refused to go visit her and went to his mother-in-law’s dacha. Therefore, the mother quietly gives her son the tablet, with strict instructions to play only after school. But the son, of course, forgets about everything, and the conflict develops in a circle.

Who is to blame here? Of course, both parents who were unable to discuss an important problem with each other and did not develop common family principles of education.

United front

What happens to the child in such situations? Nothing good. Firstly, regularly receiving such experience in the family, he learns to lie both at home and at school, to manipulate, and to set others up. In addition, he is scared and probably feels guilty for his parents' quarrel.

But no child deserves such a burden of responsibility: from this toxic mixture of negative emotions, depression, learning difficulties, and behavior problems may well ripen.

In addition, very soon the child gets used to the fact that you can not pay attention to the words of one of the parents at all, because the “chief” will really come and cancel all orders. And to make this happen faster, you can, for example, go and complain to the other parent about the “unfair” punishment or ban. And this second parent (the one whose words and requests are ignored), of course, feels betrayed from two flanks at once, increasingly breaks into a scream, and the situation again quickly slides into scandal and hostilities.

How can this be avoided? Surely you know this rule very well: “parents should always present a united front.” Use it and show your children that it works in your family! Even if you don't come to an agreement right away, you need to continue negotiations until a compromise is found - and, of course, these negotiations should not take place in the presence of children.

Do not make your child a hostage to your adult games, do not drag him into marital conflicts. At the very least, this way you are laying the foundation for future problems. By the way, parents often then complain about their manipulative teenagers, forgetting that they themselves showed them this easy path.

In general, it is quite possible to cope with naturally occurring contradictions in upbringing. The main thing is to talk to each other! Try to be honest, at least with yourself, and don’t hide behind the “child’s interests” when you want something for yourself. Don’t be afraid to appear vulnerable, don’t be afraid to ask - otherwise how will your spouse know what you need and want? This will make it easier for both you and the children.

The family is not just a unit of society, as they say. This small “state” with its own charter is the most important thing a person has in life. Let's talk about its value and much more.

What is the importance of family in a person's life?

The family is the place where everything begins: birth, upbringing, transmission of traditions and values, inclusion in society, teaching morals and moral principles according to which one must live, love for the fatherland.

Family is associated primarily with parents. They play the main role in the life of every child, give a start to a bright future, instill in him kindness, humanity, tactfulness, and help develop empathy.

Siblings have an important influence on development. Elders give a feeling of emotional security and comfort. It is easier to understand the world around you and build contacts with people. The younger ones also play a great role, since in relation to them the older child shows care, guardianship, kindness, provides attention, help, demonstrates humanity, gives a feeling of security, love and warmth. The importance of family in a person’s life is infinitely great.

Family ties are the beginning of everything

A family is a group of people who are related by marriage or kinship. In psychology and pedagogy, a family is defined as a small social group, the basis of which is the marriage of spouses, overgrown with family relationships of two or more people who live together.

Signs of a family

A small society has a number of unique properties:

1. Joining this community occurs exclusively on a voluntary and free basis.
2. Common things between family members can be the budget, joint living and housekeeping, the acquisition of any property and material assets.
3. Having common children.
4. Compliance with rights and obligations provided for by law.
5. Group members are bound by moral, psychological and moral unity.

The role of family in human life and society

The family performs many important functions that ensure its functioning. Let's look at some of them:

1. The first priority is reproductive. Pursues the implementation of social and individual tasks. The first is responsible for the reproduction of the population, the second is the satisfaction of the natural need for the birth of children.
2. Educational. This is the socialization and education of children until they reach adulthood. Family traditions and values ​​are passed on to the baby, and moral principles are instilled.
3. Economic. The family provides satisfaction of primary needs - shelter, food and drink, clothing. Members of a small community manage a joint household, acquire and accumulate material goods and values ​​with the aim of passing them on to the younger generation.
4. Restorative. A person needs protection, love and care. Failure to satisfy these basic needs leads to problems associated with physical and psychological illnesses, resulting in depression, outbursts of aggression and nervous breakdowns both within the family and outside it. This entails the dissolution of the marriage, the children do not grow up in a full-fledged family. It all depends on if the common spirit is strong, loved ones respect, love each other, appreciate each other, make concessions, can organize leisure and everyday life, their family ship will never crash on the reefs of problems.

A favorable emotional environment in a family is very important. Let's talk about it.

Psychological climate

The meaning of family in a person’s life is defined differently for everyone. Some honor and respect, express gratitude to their relatives, while others do not find value in this. It all depends on the environment in which and how a person was raised.

There are favorable and unfavorable climates.

The climate in a family can be determined by the following characteristics: emotional state, mutual understanding, cohesion, and so on. It is influenced by the relationship between the spouses, their attitude towards other people, towards the rest of the family. In a prosperous family, the psychological climate is determined by goodwill, care, a sense of duty and responsibility, and is characterized by the common interests of the wife and husband. Now it is more clear what importance family has in a person’s life - it is of paramount importance.

Let's talk about family values

A strong and friendly family is a small brick of a reliable foundation of a large healthy society, therefore the role of the modern family in the life of each person individually and society as a whole is very great. Values ​​are the walls of a small cell of society, these are the rules and moral principles, foundations, traditions by which it lives, which it tries not to violate. Judging by them, one can determine what importance family has in a person’s life. Let's consider the main ones:

1. Truthfulness. Honesty in relationships is the basis of everything. Without it, it will not be possible to create a strong and reliable rear. It is necessary to honor any manifestation of it, to take criticism sensibly, because next time you will not hear the truth addressed to you.
2. Flexibility. It is very important to show loyalty to avoid unnecessary quarrels and infighting.
3. Cohesion. Family members need to have personal space and freedom for various activities. But everyone should clearly know that they have a strong family to which they can always return. To be one, you need to spend leisure time together and meet with relatives.
4. Forgiveness. You need to be able to forgive and not be offended over trifles. Life is too short to waste it on unnecessary quarrels that take up energy, time and effort.
5. Generosity. From childhood we need to teach children to give without demanding anything in return. This is the foundation of such valuable qualities as empathy, sensitivity, tact, compassion, humanity, and so on. After all, if this is not given to the baby at the beginning of his life’s journey, he will not fill the emptiness of his soul later.
6. Traditions. Let's talk about what family traditions are. Each one is different. Some visit the graves of their grandfathers every year, gathering with relatives from all over the world. Others traditionally celebrate their son’s birthday outdoors with tents. Still others organize a home theater with popcorn every Friday. It is important to instill an interest in ancestors from childhood, teach them to honor and remember them. You can create a tree of life together - you need to know your ancestors, your roots.
7. Curiosity. It is necessary to notice and satisfy the baby’s curiosity in time, to help him explore the world.
8. Communication. A very important value in every family. You need to always talk about everything. Communication builds trust on which everything rests.
9. Responsibility. It appears with age, but it is necessary to instill it in a child from childhood. Starting from cleaning up toys, keeping the room tidy, caring for a pet and so on. It will be easy for a child to go through life, possessing this invaluable quality.

Depending on existing family values, a favorable climate, established moral principles and foundations, an image of a family is formed that will become the face of a cohesive social group. A strong rear will ensure the healthy emotional and physical development of each family member: wife, child, spouse.

What is the role of the family for a child?

Family is the place where the baby said the word “mother” and took his first steps. Parents try to give their baby the best, care, affection, love, instill spiritual and moral principles, and teach them to explore the world. The baby will be able to appreciate its role in his life only as an adult. But parents must tell and demonstrate the importance of family so that the child knows that he can always turn to them for help and support. Understanding that he has a strong family gives confidence and strength.

Demonstrate the importance of relatedness to your child.

What is it for? Children can only copy the actions of adults; they adopt the behavior of their parents. Therefore, it is important that the latter be a role model for their children, showing by personal example the importance of family in a person’s life.

Practical tips:

1. Family always comes first. It is necessary to spend time together as often as possible. These are family holidays, dinners, breakfasts, because children see and adopt the tenderness of feelings that close and dear ones show to each other.
2. Don't neglect respect. You need to start with yourself. If you do not respect your family, strangers, or your children, in the end they will treat everyone the same way, and this is scary.
3. Create family traditions together.
4. Involve your children in homework and be sure to praise them for it.
5. Show your love for them. Hug, kiss, say kind words more often.
6. Demonstrate to your sons the ideal of a family man so that he can take advantage of this model of behavior and create his own strong and reliable family in the future.

Children should be raised in healthy families, then they will be emotionally stable and stronger, more balanced, and more self-confident. Having such baggage behind them, they will never become socially dangerous people and will respect themselves, family, the society in which they live, and existing laws, rules and foundations.

Parenting is a very difficult process, no matter how old your child is. This is serious pressure in itself, in addition, your every action is constantly evaluated by those around you: strangers, friends, relatives. If you take an active part in the child's life, you will learn that you are too intrusive and ruin the child's life. If you allow your child to be more independent, you will probably be reproached for not trying. No matter what you do, there will always be someone who will show you your mistakes. However, if your child is disobedient and capricious, it really is your fault: at least your responsibility is to correct the situation. Children repeat what they see on TV or in school, yet it is up to the parents to respond to their misbehavior. This may seem unfair to you, but that's how life works. If you don't respond, no one else will. The first step to properly raising a capricious child is to determine the cause of the abnormal behavior. So what are you doing wrong?

You think the baby is just expressing himself

If your child bites, whines, or fights, and you tell yourself that this is normal behavior for a baby and will go away with time, you have a problem. Even at a young age, you can control your child's behavior. Ask what made him angry, why did he start biting? Deal with your emotions. If you don't force your child to think about the consequences of his behavior, you are making him spoiled. This only makes the problem you have worse.

You don't let the baby grow

Many parents, with the assistance of their children, simply do not allow the latter to grow up. They do not allow children to take responsibility for anything, answer for themselves and make their own decisions. This negatively affects the child's growing up. If you are afraid that your child will not be able to survive your prohibitions, you are to blame for his behavior yourself. As a result, even at a relatively adult age, the baby continues to behave as in the early years. And all because you do not give him the opportunity to change and do not demand any responsibility from him.

You place the blame on someone else

Of course, it is unfair that children watch programs that are supposed to be educational and useful, but receive bad information from them - they begin to behave rudely and disrespectfully. Kids act like they do on TV and you have to deal with it! Yes, this is unfair, but this is your responsibility: you can limit your TV viewing or discuss the essence of what you saw with your children. Just because you're not the one setting a bad example for your child doesn't mean you don't need to explain what's wrong with him. Don't think that the responsibility may lie with someone else.

You don't understand what it means to be a parent

To be a good parent, some moms and dads try to fulfill all the child's demands. In fact, you are not supposed to be a servant - you are a leader. Look at your child objectively and think soberly. You should not set yourself the goal of showing your child that he is the best in the world, your goal is to raise a mature, responsible person, a good member of society. This does not mean that you should love your child less, just that you should not idealize him.

You show your child that he is special.

Being a parent is not easy, no one wants to refuse a child, and children do not like to be refused. As a result, the child gets used to the fact that people always agree with him. He considers himself special, and everything is never enough for him. The child wants both, he begins to whine if he does not get what he wants. The problem quickly develops and develops into something much more stressful. Teach him from early childhood that your baby is not the center of the universe and that not all his wishes can be fulfilled at that very moment.

You forgive everything because the child is small

Just because your child is young doesn't mean you shouldn't try to discipline him. Even if incorrect behavior is acceptable at his age, it does not yet become the norm. It is your job to say what behavior is wrong. For example, biting or fighting, which is quite expected from a small child, is simply unacceptable at seven or eight. There is no need to wait for extremes; you should explain the problem right away, even if the child is three. Then, at a more conscious age, you will not need to deal with a chronic problem.

You allow yourself to be treated rudely

If your child calls you rude names, behaves disrespectfully towards you in front of other adults or in front of his friends, demands something without saying “thank you” or “please”, and you do not react in any way, full responsibility for such behavior lies with on you. If you allow your child to communicate with you in a way that you would not allow your partner or colleague to communicate with you at work, you are spoiling him. Communication should not be formal, but it should be based on respect; be sure to convey this to the child.

You're not too careful

You should always remember what behavior you expect from your child. Think about this with every action you take - if you want to raise a polite child, teach him to say “please” from early childhood. Watch how you construct your own sentences; your personal example will be the best way to show your child how to behave.

You are biased

It is clear that many are biased towards their own children, nevertheless, by doing this you are ruining their lives. You allow your child to be capricious and make excuses for yourself. If you are objective, it will be easier for you to make changes for the better. Just learn to look at the problem from the outside and evaluate it sensibly. This will only make things better for your child!

You don't deal with tantrums in public

If you don't teach your children to behave decently and allow them to make a scene, you are showing them that they can be completely out of control. Your child's feelings and dissatisfaction should not interfere with others, so try to firmly stop such behavior every time.

Are you afraid to be tougher?

You think too much and worry that the child will be offended. Rejections do not spoil your self-esteem; they will not destroy the bond that unites you. At the same time, refusals will teach the child to behave respectfully towards you. Isn't that your goal?

You protect the child from everything

If you try to protect your child from the consequences of his own actions, you do not give him the opportunity to understand what happens as a result of this or that action, and to learn that there are problems when refusing to fulfill responsibilities. If your child does not know what happens to naughty children, he cannot become responsible and understand what necessity is. Children need to understand when you are disappointed that it is because of them. Learn to convey to your child exactly what you expect from him.

Are you afraid to be in charge?

Don't be afraid to show your authority. Capricious behavior manifests itself in children of those parents who do not know how to express themselves and be in charge. You don't have to always compromise and explain everything to your child, and he doesn't have to always agree with you. You must show your authority and show that sometimes you have to do what you don’t want to do. This is in the interests of your baby. Understand that you are supposed to be a parent, not a friend or servant, so behave accordingly.

By the age of two or three, the child slowly begins to understand himself as a unit of society, company, family and his place in this society. There is a category of children who, due to their upbringing and personal qualities, believe that they are the navel of the earth and the globe spins only for them. Is it good or bad? Let's try to figure it out.

In family

Some have the main dad, some have the mother, and some have universal equality. However, I must admit honestly, I have never seen a family in which the child is the main one. Yes, there is a desire to gain a leadership position, but it does not end with success.

Take animals, to which humans, by the way, belong. Are there any packs in which the cub plays the role of leader? No.

One must distinguish a leader from a dictator. I remember in my kindergarten group there was a girl who was an informal leader. Her main occupation was to conduct intrigues and organize all kinds of dirty tricks. She was the author of the phrase: “Today the whole group is not talking to the girl whose skirt is red” - while the whole group unanimously turned away from the little girl in red.

At an older age, such children become class leaders, and as adults they usually occupy leadership positions.

conclusions

It’s good to be the main one in a team, but it’s impossible for a child to be the main one in the family. In order not to upset your child with this state of affairs, satisfy his ambitions by appointing him to the position of the one in charge of caring for the aquarium or getting wet clothes out of the washing machine.

However, it’s still not worth following the lead and giving in to a little man who is many times younger than you. This is why you should stick to the decisions you make - for example, if your mother decided to go to the store for milk, then it’s necessary and objections will not be accepted.

Do you encourage your child's desire to be in charge?

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