Causes and forms of children's jealousy in the family. The older child is jealous of the younger one: what to do? 3 year old kid is jealous of mom and sister

When a family has a youngest child or new dad, parents often see the older child’s jealous attitude towards the new family member. It is quite difficult for a child to accept new people into his “orderly” world, who, in his opinion, can take away the love of his mother or father. This fear is caused by the fact that the child is afraid of losing the love and attention of his parents. Such emotional shock is not unnatural or dangerous. In such cases, parents need to use common sense, be patient and listen to the advice that will be offered in this publication.

Why does childhood jealousy occur?

Childhood jealousy can occur for the following reasons:

• Uselessness. The child begins to develop complexes due to the appearance of a new person in the family. After all, because of this, the entire routine in the house changes dramatically, and the child cannot quickly adapt to new conditions, believing that he has been relegated to the background. This feeling of being forgotten and useless can constantly accompany a child if parents do not help him overcome these feelings.
• Attention deficit . A child may feel a lack of attention when another child appears in the family. Then mother’s eternal words: “Don’t make noise, don’t touch, don’t do anything, don’t scream,” etc. do not leave him the right to develop the way he wants. The mother spends most of her time with the baby, as he needs special attention, and the first-born gets much less attention than before the arrival of his younger brother or sister.
• Fear. Small child feels an overwhelming sense of fear of losing the love of mom or dad. When he sees that his mother has a new love object, he is torn by feelings of fear and jealousy. In most cases, mothers do not take such mental trauma to their child seriously enough.

Types of childhood jealousy: how jealousy manifests itself in a child

Often, parents do not immediately understand that their child is jealous. Therefore, when you see your child sad, offended, withdrawn or aggressive, you should definitely talk to him unobtrusively. And if he does not make contact, then you need to observe his behavior and determine the true reason for his bad mood.

In child psychology there are the following types jealousy:

• Passive. Usually the child does not outwardly show his dissatisfaction. On the contrary, he withdraws into himself, becomes lethargic and uninteresting. Sometimes children show apathy towards the world around them.
• Aggressive. In this case, the firstborn actively expresses his “no” younger brother or sister, stepfather or stepmother. The child does not allow him to take his things, gets angry that his toys are touched, etc. Emotionally, the child becomes quick-tempered, whiny, capricious, and disobedient. He offends youngest child and does not want to share his things.
• Semi-explicit. This is the most unpredictable type of jealousy. For example, a child does not show his true attitude towards the baby to his parents, but when left alone with a brother or sister, he tries to do something bad: offend, hit, take away toys, etc.

How to deal with different types of childhood jealousy: answers in the table

Table. How to help your child overcome jealousy ?

Preventing jealousy in a child

In order to avoid situations where a child is jealous, you should take care of his mental balance in advance. There are several good and good rules for parents:

• Teach your baby to take care of loved ones.
• Teach your child to share. You shouldn’t give him the best, even in food. Do not focus your child’s attention on the fact that he is the center of the Universe.
• Do not push your baby away if he comes to you for a portion of affection and tenderness.
• Do not confront your child with the fact: “soon you will have a new dad/mom.” This pushes the child away, because he begins to think that his opinion is worthless and that he is not such an important member of the family.
• You can avoid provoking a child’s jealousy when a brother or sister appears if you monitor your own behavior. Before giving your newborn a crib, buy your firstborn a new one. sleeping area at least a couple of months before the arrival of a new family member. Psychologically prepare your baby for the fact that he will soon meet his brother or sister . Spend a few evenings explaining to your baby that the arrival of a baby will not affect your love and relationship.
• Don't change traditions. If you have some days that are dedicated to your older child, don’t forget about them.
• Teach your child not to feel the spirit of competition towards the newborn, but the need to protect and care for him.

Psychologists about childhood jealousy

Psychologist P.L. Basansky:

Children's egocentrism is a common phenomenon. And it lies in the desire for constant and undivided attention to oneself. We all sometimes really, really want this :). And what can we say about children? They simply need this - as confirmation unconditional love parents. Therefore, everything and everyone who distracts this very attention from them is perceived by children as rivals. This is how childhood jealousy arises.

Psychologist Elizaveta Lonskaya:

Competition for the attention of their parents is not at all uncommon between children, especially children of the same age. In my opinion, children’s rivalry and jealousy towards each other cannot develop without the help of parents - that is, when parents fall for the children’s desire to drag them into their “showdowns.” Also great importance has both quantity and quality of communication with children. If children lack it and parents are always busy, this creates good ground for the development of jealousy.

Doctor med. Sciences, psychotherapist Viktor Kagan

The older baby begins to feel jealous of the younger child almost from the first day of his appearance after being discharged from the hospital. And this despite the fact that during pregnancy, children most often look forward to the appearance of a brother or sister.

Children's jealousy is not unnatural, it is caused by the fear of losing the love of mom and dad. Therefore, the older child may openly demonstrate a negative attitude towards the baby.

It is important for parents to choose the right behavior strategy so that their firstborn does not feel lonely. We suggest using recommendations that will help in this or that problematic situation.

Childhood jealousy depends on the gender of the child. Girls have a subconscious need to take care of their younger ones. Therefore, it is easier to captivate them with requests to care for the baby and smooth out jealous feelings. In boys, jealousy is more pronounced, and they are not always ready to help care for the child.

Situation No. 1: the older child refuses to give up his crib to the newborn

It is best to transfer the child to another crib a couple of months before the baby is born. If time is lost and the migration of the firstborn coincides with the newborn’s discharge from the maternity hospital, explain to the older child that he is already an adult and can now sleep in a crib that is not for babies. The comparison “you will sleep in an “adult” crib, like mom and dad,” will help motivate the young “owner” to do the right thing.

Situation No. 2: the older child asks to be fed breast milk too

If the firstborn has already passed the age of breastfeeding, you should not categorically refuse him. This will provoke a child's hysteria. It would be more correct to say that if the mother feeds the older one, the younger one will not have enough milk and he will remain hungry. As compensation, offer something tasty to distract children's thoughts in a different direction.

Situation No. 3: the older child asks to return the newborn to the hospital

In this situation, parents should not scold their firstborn. Try to explain that having a brother or sister is good, because when the younger one grows up, the children will be able to play together. And if the elder during pregnancy was looking forward to the birth of the child with interest, you can tell him that the baby knows about it and is glad to meet you.

Situation No. 4: The older child interferes with the younger one’s sleep

In such a situation, parents should not strictly insist on maintaining silence. It is more correct to suggest that the older child speak in a whisper. The firstborn will join this game with pleasure. Memories on the topic “when you were little” will help. In this situation, the mother can tell the older child that during his sleep everyone also spoke in a whisper and did not make any noise.

Situation No. 5: Older child feels abandoned

By delegating some of the responsibilities for caring for the baby to family members, the young mother will be able to allocate time for games and communication with the older child. For example, a father or grandmother goes for a walk with a child lying in a stroller. This time, approximately 1.5-2 hours, is enough for the older child to again feel the fullness of his mother’s care and love.

Situation No. 6: The older child hurts the younger one

In such situations, punishment can provoke a backlash. Therefore, if there is a risk of physical pain to a younger child, children should not be left alone without the presence of parents.

Situation No. 7: An older child takes away toys from a younger one

This is not done because the older child wants to play with them. This is how he expresses his negative attitude. You can correct the situation in the following ways:

• getting the firstborn interested in new toys;
• explaining that he is too old to play with rattles;
• inviting the older child to choose toys for the baby in a children's store, not forgetting to buy him something interesting.

Situation No. 8: The older child gets tired of the new responsibilities of caring for the baby

The older child wants to play, and not, for example, push a stroller for a walk. While walking outdoors, leave your baby to sleep in the stroller and spend time with your firstborn. Do not force him to play with the younger one, otherwise this may cause aggression. Involve your older first-born in general play with the baby in a way that is interesting for him.

Situation No. 9: Older child shows sadness

Not having the attention of their mother to the same extent as before, older children begin to experience depression. At the first signs of sadness, parents need to praise their older child more often, play with him when the baby is sleeping, hug him, pick him up and kiss him more often. Tactile sensations are very important. The older child should not feel a lack of parental affection and the warmth of his mother’s hands.

Situation No. 10: the older child “falls” into childhood

First-born children often begin to openly demand the same attention as a younger child: they ask to be picked up, fed, dressed, carried. It is impossible to ignore these requests, but it is also wrong to fully satisfy them. Look for the “golden” mean: if possible, sit the child on your lap, lift him up the stairs in your arms, lay him down, tell him a fairy tale. After a while, the older child will understand that his mother loves him as before.

If a woman cannot recover for a long time after childbirth, it will be more difficult for her firstborn to cope with jealousy. He may feel negative towards the baby because the mother feels bad precisely because of the newborn.

Patience and affection are the “cure” for childhood jealousy

Parents need to be patient to wait out the first six months after the birth of their youngest child. During this period, the jealousy of older children manifests itself especially clearly. And, of course, you cannot deprive them of affection. The results of parents' diplomatic behavior will appear later, when the children grow up and good and sincere relationships are established between them. Therefore, do not scold your elders for being jealous of your younger ones, do not arouse bitterness in them.

It is believed that those children who are 3-5 years apart are most jealous of their younger children. This is especially true between same-sex children. Older children cope more easily with the arrival of a baby, since they may already have other interests, including outside the family.

Tatyana Volkova, family psychologist:“The older child is most often jealous of the younger one when he feels superfluous. To prevent this from happening, it is very important to constantly emphasize that the older child is very important, needed and loved.

It will be great if you can gently “include” the firstborn in caring for the newborn and constantly focus on the fact that he is already very big and is doing very important and necessary work, helping dad and mom. A sense of self-worth will help the first-born child to feel more calm about the fact that the attention of mom and dad no longer belongs only to him, and to be more loyal to the baby.
At the same time, it is important that with the advent of a new family member, the first-born, as the “big one,” has not only new responsibilities, but also new rights. Think about what can be translated from “you can’t, you’re still small” into the category “you’re already big, so now you can” - this will affect the self-perception of the first-born and will allow him not to regress into infancy, which often happens with older children after the birth into the world of the younger ones."

Expert: Galina Yaroshuk, Doctor of Biological Sciences, clinical psychologist
Elena Nersesyan-Brytkova

“You look at Barsik too kindly. As if he is your beloved daughter, and not me” - children are jealous so funny and naively that we, adults, do not take it seriously. Nevertheless childhood experience jealousy is very important! It depends on him how a person learns to manage this feeling in the future and what he will receive from it: benefit for his own development or sheer torment.

May 18, 2015 · Text: Svetlana Ievleva· Photo: GettyImages

The topic of childhood jealousy is considered relevant when it comes to relationships between brothers and sisters. Here it is obvious, clear, manifests itself dramatically and lasts a long time. It affects parents emotionally, so it’s simply impossible to ignore it. Other cases of jealousy are not so noticeable, but there are still many of them. Children are jealous of mom and dad and vice versa. They are both jealous of their work and friends. The grandmother is jealous of her other grandchildren, neighbors and the grandchildren of these neighbors. They get jealous when a friend in the sandbox moves to another team of builders and when the teacher says too often: “Oh, what a great fellow Petya! You should all follow his example." Children are generally jealous. In general, even more jealous than adults - simply due to age-related self-centeredness. They feel like they are part of any relationship of close people around them (“If grandma praises someone else’s child, it means she doesn’t like me,” “if mom comes home late from work, it means she’s better off there than with me”), but they don’t yet know how to treat the situation at the level of logic. Parents who do not pay attention to such “nonsense”, believing that everything will go away on its own with age, are making a big mistake. Their children become very jealous adults, suffer from their feelings themselves and do not give peace to others.

Vital feeling

Jealousy is a negative emotion, but in reality it is simply necessary. Its original function is self-preservation. Weak and vulnerable creatures must feel the loss of attention to themselves and return it in order to ensure their survival. That is why manifestations of jealousy can be observed in very early age: If a mother starts talking on the phone while breastfeeding, the baby already begins to get nervous. Dissatisfaction is even greater if someone from the family enters the room. Some children even refuse to eat and cry, wanting their mother to stop all extraneous activities. As they grow up a little, they begin to make sure that mom and dad are not too “carried away” in communicating with each other, they can stop attempts at hugs, kisses, and sometimes they don’t even allow them to hold hands, invariably standing between their parents. “I’m here - take care of me. Because I am small, weak, and in need of constant care. You never know what can happen while you’re looking at each other here” – this is roughly the message of the jealous behavior of young children. Of course, as we get older, everyone understands perfectly well: nothing bad will happen if you pay attention loved one will be lost for some time. Neither mom nor dad will forget about their parental responsibilities, even if this moment they are passionate about work or socializing with friends. But jealousy still remains - to a greater or lesser extent - and persists for life. Why is it needed by independent adults who do not need care at all? To maintain your position, to provide social confidence. When we experience jealousy, we understand that something is wrong in our communication, we strive to figure it out and fix everything.

“I myself am very jealous, and my son is the same. “That’s it, Maxim is no longer my friend: today he played cars with Misha, but they didn’t invite me. I won’t talk to him tomorrow.” I feel offended when I hear this from him. But I already know that just jealousy in itself does not give anything. "Come up with new game and invite them to play together tomorrow, then everyone will be interested.” The next day the child was simply happy: “Mom, we played together all day!” “You see,” I told him, “and you were going to be offended all day.” Galina, Leva's mother

A child’s behavior in a state of jealousy can be very different - depending on his character, family relationships, and situation. Some children do not do anything specific, but begin to behave fussily: they walk around, rearrange objects, open and close doors, and begin to look for some toys. “I don’t understand anything,” says my mother, “he was just quietly working on a constructor, so I decided to call you. Well, okay, we’ll talk another time - I’ll go see what he’s rustling about.” The mother enters the room, and a minute later the child sits down again and works with the construction set. In this case, the feeling of jealousy was not very pronounced - just at the level of anxiety. In this state, a person (both an adult and a child) simply looks and listens, and does not strive to attract full attention.

“The three of us often go to doctor’s appointments with little Masha – the eldest child is also at home. As soon as I start talking about Masha—how she sleeps, what she eats, how she holds her head—Pavlik immediately interrupts. One day I took him an album and pencils so that he wouldn’t interfere with the conversation. For exactly a minute he sat quietly and drew, and then he shouted: “Mom, look, I drew how I pee in the flowerbed!” The doctor laughed, but I was terribly ashamed. I had to justify myself and explain that it was a joke. Surely everyone thought that the child did not know how to behave.” Elena, mother of Pavel and Masha

Sometimes a significant component of jealousy is resentment, and in this case the child withdraws, becomes depressed, and sad. Five-year-old Ksenia was very happy when a neighbor’s girl began to come to their house: her grandmother agreed to look after her sometimes. However, after a week these visits began to bring more problems than joy. The girl didn’t play with Ksyusha, but she had a lot of fun with her grandmother: she learned grandmother’s songs from dictation in French, played the piano with her two hands. " Wonderful child, you can envy her parents. Really, Ksyusha? - Grandma said one evening. But Ksyusha didn’t hear: she had already been sitting in the closet for an hour, braiding scarves and imagining how upset her grandmother would be when she discovered that her own granddaughter was not in the house. How she will regret that she wasted time on someone else’s child, while her own was suffering so much. How he will repent, and how he will cry, and how he will look for his beloved granddaughter until the night. The grandmother found Ksyusha quickly (the closet had been a favorite place for offended children since her own childhood), but she still realized her mistake. She told Ksyusha that she loved her more than anyone in the world and that no one, even the most talented girls, could replace her.

When jealousy is a strong feeling that a child cannot cope with on his own, he strives to do something unusual, something that will definitely attract attention (deliberately scattering toys, getting into the mud, hitting his sister). Because even punishment for wrongdoing is better than indifference!

Learning to be jealous

Parents definitely need to learn to “see” jealousy, understand it from the child’s behavior and find the reason. But then this reason must be - no, not eradicated, but preserved! If we exclude all situations of jealousy, then in the future it will only be harder for the child, because he will still have to face it in life.

“I am the only and long-awaited child in the family. To the question “What is your daughter’s name?” my parents didn’t just say my name, but always added: “Because she is our best gift" The attitude was exactly that - as if it were a jewel. But I realized this only at the age of six, and before that I had nothing to compare with. I heard only compliments and praise, did only what I liked. My preschool education it was at home, and before school they started taking me to a training group. I was shocked... by everything! From the fact that the teacher praises other children, from the fact that they make comments to me, from the fact that the boy with whom I sat for the first week asked the teacher to move him (he said that I was fat and took up a lot of space). I cried all day and decided not to go anywhere else. Thanks to the teacher - she understood what the problem was and helped me get used to the team. To be honest, even now, at thirty, I get very worried if I don’t feel attention. On the one hand, this forces me to constantly improve, achieve something, and also work on my character, on the other hand, I continue to suffer from jealousy. I will try very hard to ensure that my daughter has the right perception of life. You can’t think that the world revolves only around you.” Darina, Anya's mother

The situation of a child showing jealousy should be treated calmly. However, it is worth keeping in mind the emotionality of children and the fact that their self-esteem is up to school age almost entirely dependent on adults. That is, the child really feels bad when he hears close people admiring someone else. What to do? Immediately say something good about himself, in the form of a positive comparison, your expectations associated with him (“Olya, when she grows up, will also study well - she is still very inquisitive”). Sometimes, if you see that a child is having difficulty coping with feelings, you need to talk, kindly and frankly. “I know, it seems to you that we love our brother more. In fact, he is simply very small and cannot live without us at all. When you were like that, we spent even more time with you.” But the main thing is to show more often warm feelings, both with reason (praising for successes, for the ability to behave well), and without it (stroking, touching, calling affectionate names, expressing delight, giving compliments).

Hello, dear readers! While awaiting the arrival of my second baby, I dug through a mountain of books about childhood jealousy and sibling relationships. I listened to webinars, talked to other mothers, read articles... Before, I was very theoretically savvy. I was sure that this would not happen to us. After all, I know that I need to pay a lot of attention to my eldest daughter! I know that I have to come home from the maternity hospital with a gift. That you can’t actively admire the baby and the like... But now I understand that children’s jealousy at the birth of a second child is in many cases inevitable. In this article I will tell you what helped me completely neutralize this unpleasant moment.

How was it for us?

At the moment, our daughter is 2 years and 10 months old, and our son is 9.5 months old. Now I can confidently say that there is no jealousy in our family. But it was. True, only two weeks...

Every mother understands that with the arrival of a brother, it will be very difficult for the eldest child. For obvious reasons. He will have to go through some stress. You will have to get used to a new family member and new conditions. The Internet is full of advice like “spend more time with your older child,” “the interests of the older child should be taken into account first,” and so on. But even if you do everything right, there is a high probability that your child will still become jealous of the younger one. After all, there is no way you can live the same way as before and pretend that nothing has changed. Of course, unless the newborn sleeps 24 hours a day.

Here we are. Despite the active help of my husband, I had to constantly feed the baby and carry him in my arms. At the same time, I played with my daughter a lot, a lot, and gave the newborn to dad at every opportunity. In the first month, it is still easy to combine activities with both children. The baby still fits in one arm and is ready to nurse for a long time. In most cases, you can somehow adapt and play with the older one while the second child is in your arms.

So, despite all my efforts, a little jealousy was still present. My daughter took away her brother’s pacifier, clothes, diapers... She was more capricious and excited. Parents do not need to be afraid of small problems at the initial stage. Most often, they pass quite quickly. You just need to be patient and do your best.

After two weeks, the eldest child began to feel calmer about the new little one. And a month later the conflicts stopped altogether. Some kind of love and affection came only six months later, but the main thing was the absence of jealousy. All this required from me sensitivity and the ability to translate theory into practice... All children have different temperaments, and my advice cannot suit absolutely everyone. But perhaps this will help you quickly establish relationships between brothers or sisters.

The first months with two children

Of course, it’s the most difficult one. It has its advantages: a newborn does not claim any toys, sleeps a lot (even if on the chest), and does not need to be actively monitored. And there are downsides. The most important of which is that the eldest child is not yet used to sharing his mother and brother. What to do? For successful adaptation, do not forget following rules:

1. Work with your older baby not just a lot, but a lot. More than usual. Of course, this is not always possible. You also need to somehow catch your breath and recover after childbirth. You yourself should come first (a tired, irritated mother will do no good to anyone), and the eldest child should come second. Everything else is on the third. A household- on the twentieth.
2. Let the older baby “play” with your wonderful “toy” - a newborn. Teach him to gently touch the newborn. Try to translate everything into a game and do everything together. Change diaper, dress, bathe. Some mothers recommend giving their eldest daughter a large doll. And let everyone rock their own doll. You can try, of course. But this didn’t work for us. No doll can compare with a living child. The main principle is that when dealing with a small child, concentrate on the older child. Do everything through the elder. When you change your diaper, have a conversation with your elder. Show him everything, explain it. The majority of your energy should be focused on your first baby.
3. Even if your first child is not yet two years old, avoid enthusiastically discussing your birth and everything related to the newborn in front of him. And don’t show your delight at the sight of these little arms and legs at all. Yes it is hard. But all the affection and enthusiastic kisses are appropriate only when the elder is already asleep. After a few months, you will be able to become more free with your feelings. And then, with an eye on the reaction of the elder. And at first, try to be as restrained as possible.
4. When you can’t be restrained, compensate for the delight of your newborn with the delight of your first child. Are you touched by your first smile? Immediately and sincerely praise your big baby. Hug, caress. So that he can see that they haven’t forgotten about him.
5. Try not to compare children. Especially out loud. Modern psychology tirelessly repeats this. Children will differ from each other, but it is better to draw parallels less often. “Sasha turned over at 3 months, and Vanya only at 4 months” - we are all guilty of such comparisons, but let the kids hear them as little as possible.
6. It is advisable to eliminate many possibilities for rivalry. At first, you should not put the baby in your older brother’s crib or stroller. Then - yes, you can smoothly come to this (and even then, not always).

General things

When the baby grows a little, he begins to encroach on all the nearest toys. Starts to break “towers” ​​of cubes built by someone else. He begins to tear up the drawings. And books, if mom didn’t have time to put them somewhere higher. How to avoid jealousy?

How to react to attacks of jealousy?

And so your elder begins to behave somewhat aggressively, to be capricious, to intensely demand attention... Often children ask their mother to get rid of the newborn, and they become very harmful and greedy. Our daughter demanded to “put Lala back in her belly.” There is nothing to worry about here, the main thing is to respond to such behavior in a timely manner. There is no need to fight jealousy. It needs to be neutralized gently. Find time and energy for your older child. Play with him even more. Hug him even more. Give even more praise. Yes, it's not easy. But you have to try.

Useful video on how to cope with irritation with your first child from a psychologist:

And last important advice: At every opportunity, show your elder how much your brother loves him. You can “stroke” it with the hands of a younger toddler. Hug. And emphasize: “Do you see how happy he is with you? Look how he looks at you! See how much he loves you! And this is him talking to you. He wants to hug you so bad! It’s a pity that he can’t do it yet.” It's not that difficult. Usually babies are really delighted with their big brothers and sisters...

Did your children have jealousy? How did you cope? Share in the comments!

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“The manifestation of childhood jealousy is a normal and healthy phenomenon.
Jealousy arises from what children love. If they are unable to
love, then they do not show jealousy"
Donald Woods Winnicott, child psychiatrist and psychoanalyst

To start a conversation, a little experiment: Name words starting with these letters “B”, “S”, “P”, “M”. Now let's see. Surely you named the words “dad” and “mom” with the letters “P” and “M”, but what about the letters “B” and “S”? Did you mention the words “brother” and “sister”? In my practice (in groups, seminars) this has never happened before. I even tried it on relatives - the effect was the same.

What's the matter?

It's a matter of "competitive instinct". The most fierce competitors are considered to be those who are genetically close: brothers/sisters. The Austrian psychoanalyst Alfred Adler (a student of Sigmund Freud) described a case that illustrates how strongly the addition of another child in the family influences the behavior of children: “The boy asked his parents to hold his sister in his arms.

Moreover, the parents were convinced that the boy loved his sister. But taking her in his arms, he soon, as if accidentally, threw her on the floor." Adler's teacher Sigmund Freud in one of his books describes another case. After the birth of his sister, 5-year-old Hans fell ill. In delirium, he shouted: "I don't want any sister ! Let the stork take her back!"

In my practice, I quite often come across various manifestations of childhood jealousy and am happy when it is noticeable. Because this means that the child can label his feelings.

Much more difficult is the situation when the child does not seem to be “jealous” and even loves his brother or sister, and the child is 2 or 3 years old... Such situations most often arise in families where the very thought of possible jealousy is simply unacceptable.

Such parents perceive jealousy as a “bad” feeling, they suppress it themselves by any means and try to forcibly instill love in the elder, ignoring the true feelings of the child. According to the same Adler, children who have common parents, but differ in age and gender, develop in different conditions, even if father and mother do not single out any of them.

Even if parents believe that the attitude towards the older child has not changed with the birth of the younger one. His parents pay him as much attention as before, have not deprived him of his previous privileges, do not make new demands on him, and love him no less than before the birth of their second child. All this is necessary for harmonious development child's personality conditions.

But unfortunately, this is not enough. The main thing is that the child feels that his parents love him. So that not only you, but also your baby knows that mom and dad are still needed. In fact, it is much more important not real situation in the family, and the child’s perception of this situation.

But the real situation is this: the older child doesn’t have many reasons to rejoice at the appearance of the younger one, rather the opposite! Before the baby arrived, he was the only one! He is the main member of the family - parents and relatives paid attention only to him, toys only for him, only his interests were significant, his mother prepared the food that he loves and many, many other important circumstances.

And when the mother was pregnant, the child, most likely, was really looking forward to a brother or sister. This, by the way, is another argument of many parents in denying the fact of jealousy. Have you ever thought about HOW does a child imagine having a brother or sister?

Can he know and assess in advance WHAT he will have to face when the baby appears? Children are waiting for a sister or brother and imagine him as a play partner and that’s it. Older children (usually girls) fantasize about how they will perform all sorts of manipulations with the little one, like with a doll, only alive.

And many are very disappointed when faced with the real situation, in which the baby is still very far from being a play partner. Moreover, often you can’t touch him, he screams, cries, his mother is always with him... Having become an older sister or older brother, the child has ceased to be the only one and this is a very serious experience for the baby.

Our daughter was even worried about the appearance of her cousins, because she competed for the love of her grandparents, for my husband’s and my attention when we were visiting.

I talked a lot and told my daughter about this, we talked about her feelings, so she was free in them- she could come up, hug me and say: “Mom, I’m jealous!” and receive in return a portion of love, attention and the assurance that with the advent of these babies, nothing has changed in my love for her.

Now she is 9 years old, but this competition, invisible to many, continues to remain in the background. Her behavior seems to say: “Look, I’m better!” For example, my niece has hit herself and cries theatrically for a long time, everyone consoles her (including her daughter).

After some time, my daughter hits her, as if by accident. That is, she didn’t do it consciously, but there was an unconscious impulse. I hit it hard, everyone noticed it, paid attention and began to feel sorry.

What is your daughter doing? She smiles, wipes away her tears and says: “Oh, it’s okay, it’ll pass now” - and this despite the fact that she was really in pain and the pain had not gone away yet, but this is a competitive struggle: “Look how patient I am and I don’t cry for half an hour !". Of course, all this is not thought out as a plan, she does not understand “what” she is actually doing and “why”.

Now I would like to dwell on the “hidden” signs of jealousy:

• The child became very nervous, easily excitable, and capricious. Or vice versa - passive, sad, doesn’t want to play or doesn’t know what he wants at all. At the same time, he doesn’t say anything bad about the younger one. And sometimes he repeats “I love my brother.”
• The child developed eating disorders. I lost my appetite, my taste preferences changed dramatically, what I used to love, now I don’t eat, and so on.
• Regression in self-care skills. In fact, this happens to almost all children when they are younger; this mechanism is based on the child’s very serious feelings. He sees that the baby receives a lot of love and attention, often the mother explains why (he himself does not know how to eat, dress, wash, etc.). And then the eldest thinks - that means if I become the same, then my mother will spend so much time with me. And the strict reaction of parents to such behavior of the child can only worsen the situation.
• Activation of chronic diseases(for no apparent reason), frequent colds, injuries. Any health problems in which the mother will definitely turn all her attention to the first-born.

The influence of the difference in the age of children on the experience of jealousy

The smaller the difference in the ages of the children, the stronger the experiences of the firstborn. Many parents believe that a difference of 1-2 years is ideal, because children still “do not understand anything” - and this is a very dangerous misconception.

The main difficulty is that The goals and methods of achieving them for children with such an age difference are almost the same. This means that the competition will be quite tough.

Often this competition is vigorously fueled by the parents themselves:“He’s younger than you, but he doesn’t cry,” “Sasha’s picture is neater,” “You’re older, but you act like a little girl,” and so on.

Such comparisons do not motivate the child to achieve achievements as such, they evoke completely different feelings: rage, anger, resentment, hatred and the desire to surpass his brother/sister at all costs, but not because he himself needs it... But for this in order to “defeat” him and, as a result, earn the love and recognition of his parents.

If the age difference is 5 years or more, then provided that the situation is properly organized by the parents, rivalry can be minimized. Often, with such a difference in age, the elder becomes an authority for the younger, an ideal to which one wants to strive. Well, for an older person, the situation when people look up to him is also very attractive and not traumatic.

My cousin and I have an age difference of 4 years. I remember how she followed me with her tail and obediently played games that I came up with. Well, as I grew up, I was her main adviser on the topic of relationships with boys, etc.

Now we have the opportunity to observe the same picture with my sister - our daughters have an age difference of 4 years. I would like to note that It is not only the age difference that matters, but also the actual age of the children themselves.

The peak of their conflicts and difficulties in relationships occurred at the ages of 3-5 (nieces) and 7-9 (daughters) - they quarreled, fought, sorted things out. Of course, there is also another point here - they are cousins ​​and both are the only and Finding themselves together, they had to learn to negotiate and hear each other.

In this sense, in a family of siblings, everything is different - they are initially in these conditions, so the adaptation period occurs faster.

The little secret of non-conflict relationships

This is the so-called "matchmaking". When you take children out of a position of equals. For example: “Slavik, help Timosha tie his shoelaces,” “Show me how to brush my teeth” - By removing yourself from the position of equals, you give the elder recognition: You are older, the little one is looking at you. At the same time, you indicate to the younger the position of the elder and his authority.

But here it is also important not to overdo it. Do not burden the elder with worries about the younger, he should not do this. Try to make it interesting for him, and it will be interesting when he is free to do it. This is your child and only you should walk/feed/dress him/her, etc. The elder may or may not do this.

• Prepare your child for the birth of your second baby. Even if the firstborn is just a baby. Talk about what he will be like, that you won’t be able to play with him right away. You can look at special books, ultrasound pictures, pictures from magazines. Let him listen to the kicks and heartbeat, tell him that he grew in your tummy in the same way. Don’t forget to talk about how your life will change after having a little one. And don’t forget about feelings either, that he (your firstborn) will forever remain your first child, loved and adored, regardless of what the second one will be like.
• Teach independence and encourage its expression in every possible way. After the birth of your baby, this will be of great use to you. In addition, the child will not associate the need to eat on his own with the appearance of a “helpless” sister in this matter, if he had already done this before her appearance.
• In continuation of the previous recommendation, I would like to draw your attention to one more thing. All changes that should occur with the birth of a second child are best carried out before his birth.- trip to kindergarten, weaning (unless you plan to feed both), weaning off co-sleeping, etc. Otherwise, the child may associate all these changes with the appearance of the baby, which means that the rivalry will be stronger.

• Everyone’s situation is different, and so are the mother’s capabilities. If you understand that you cannot cope with two children at first, ask for help. Let your husband/mother/sister/mother-in-law take a vacation, time off, or go somewhere where it will be easier for you, just don’t give your firstborn to relatives for a while... It just seems to you that the child doesn’t understand anything and doesn’t worry - for him this is a huge trauma - “a brother appeared, now they don’t like me and I’m no longer needed.”
• A gift to the first-born will help soften the situation of “entering the family” of a new person. Remember the answers - as a rule, guests bring flowers to mom, dad " beautiful bottle", and a gift for the baby... Rarely does anyone think about a present for the first-born, but he also has a holiday and what another! He has become an older brother or sister! Isn't this a reason to get the gift you dreamed of?
• Don't react harshly if the firstborn, he dropped the pacifier, crushed the baby’s leg, spilled the milk, and so on. Be patient. And consider this an opportunity to talk about his feelings. I was 12 years old when my brother appeared and when my mother wasn’t looking, I pulled his arm or leg to make him wake up. I wanted to play with him, but he slept all the time
• Important point. Allow your child to be jealous! A seemingly simple phrase, “I see that you are jealous and it’s not easy for you,” can become very important for a child.
  Firstly, You tell him his feeling and he begins to understand the name of what is happening to him.
  Secondly, this reaction of yours “legalizes” this feeling - the child receives permission to feel jealousy, which means there is no need to suppress it.
• Buying new clothes for the youngest, pamper your elder with something too.
• Consult with your firstborn: what to wear, which way to go for a walk and listen to advice. Indicate the position of the elder - he is more experienced, he is an example for the child.
• When you are busy with little ones, ask your husband/grandmother and so on pay attention to the elder.
• Spending time with the younger one can be beneficial for the older one. For example, while you are breastfeeding your baby, you can read a book that is interesting to your elder. At least a physics textbook. The little one doesn't care, but the older one enjoys it
• You should have time that you will spend only with one of the children. Only with the elder or only with the younger.
• Find time for yourself! It is necessary. Raising two or more children requires much more effort, patience, and attention. Take care of yourself!

Remember that the birth of a second child is the time when a mother should pay maximum attention to the first! At first, the baby does not need much - food, care and warmth from the mother.