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Question
Please tell me how an 8-month-old child will tolerate separation from his mother for 1 month?
The fact is that I need to go to a session in another city (150 km from us). My husband and I live alone, and grandmothers come sometimes. I want to leave it to my grandmother. But she will also have to go to work sometimes.
How will the baby tolerate the fact that it will not always be the same person who feeds him and puts him to bed (sometimes the husband, sometimes one grandmother, sometimes another). And is it true that it is better not to come for the weekend, so as not to injure the child (I forgot, I calmed down)? Is there a big need to take it with you? How to minimize psychological trauma in a child (if any)? Help me please!!!
Each child is unique, so predict possible consequences I can’t stand your month-long absence... It’s good that dad stays next to the child in addition to the grandmothers, who, as I understand, are not very frequent guests in your house. It’s good that the child stays in his own apartment and does not go to live with his grandmother (if I understood correctly). Thus, the baby maintains a sense of constancy in the surrounding world and safety.
In my opinion, if you have the opportunity to come for the weekend, then it is better to do so - young children are not yet as hard “stuck” in moments of separation as older ones. This will allow you to maintain contact with your baby and will not give him the opportunity to seriously wean himself off you. On the other hand, after the first weekend the child’s reaction will be visible, then options for subsequent behavior can be discussed...
In my opinion, relatives should look at photographs with the baby that depict you and him, your family. Explain in an accessible and not too emotional way (without feeling guilty) that mom studies, mom takes exams and thinks about her baby all the time. She will definitely come.
You consider the option of taking it with you only if you have assistants in another city, living conditions suitable for staying with a child and, most importantly, you will feel comfortable (you will be able to concentrate on the session and will not worry, in reliable your baby in your arms).
“How will the baby tolerate the fact that it will not always be the same person who feeds him and puts him to bed?” - the main thing is that you describe in as much detail as possible how, what and at what time/sequence you do with the child. It is better if, a few days before departure, your dad or grandmother practiced these routine moments with you. Good luck, confidence and peace of mind!
Should I leave?
Question
I have 2 children, 4 years and 8 months. I breastfeed my youngest.
On May holidays We wanted to go on vacation with our husband and leave the children with their grandparents. But the closer the time of rest, the more doubts there are: “is it worth it?” I’m not worried about the older one, but the younger one... He’s generally “mommy’s”, I can’t move more than a meter away from him. I understand that this is age, but will my departure affect the child in the future? And will he then refuse to breastfeed? I would like to feed for at least another six months...
But on the other hand, I’m tired, and I want to be with my husband, and I want to leave for 4 days, and there’s plenty of frozen milk.
But... IS IT WORTH IT???
Psychologist Anna Ershova answers
Indeed, a difficult situation. I understand how difficult it is for you to make a choice, because here you need to remember several points.
Firstly, if your baby is so attached to you that separation is very difficult for him, maybe you really shouldn’t worry about him yet. But does it happen that you leave him for a while, how does he react? How quickly does it calm down? If a child copes with his emotions quickly enough, reliable people will remain with him loving people, then perhaps the situation will not look so tragic. There are cases when the baby separates from his mother, sometimes even for more than 4 days. And this is a very short period of time. After all, we are not talking about two weeks or a month.
Could it be that you yourself are very anxious, and your child feels it? Therefore, he is afraid to let you go. Try to calm yourself and calm your baby. Make sure that nothing happens to your baby during your trip.
Second point, your husband. The period of bearing a child and his first year of life are so stressful for the mother, requiring full attention to the baby, that, probably, sometimes a man feels deprived and abandoned. The opportunity to spend time together will help you not only relax, but will also return the man to the feeling of love and care.
Think again, weigh the pros and cons, and make a decision. Good luck to you!
Leaving on a business trip
Question
Our daughter is 2 years old. Starting in May, I have to go on a business trip for a week every month. Until now, my daughter has never spent the night without me, although during the day she stays with her dad, grandmother or nanny. Plus, I also feed her, so she wakes up to nurse several times a night. I put her to bed at night with the breast, but when I’m not there, she can fall asleep without it.
Will such business trips affect the child’s psyche and how can the adverse consequences of separation be reduced?
Reader comment
It amazes me how in our country the Labor Code is violated left and right. And I suppose if you refuse (as the mother of a child under 3 years old), they will threaten you with dismissal (and even if you are protected by law, it’s under a bad article)!
In general, I don’t know, as a psychologist, but I think that all this greatly depends on contact with other family members and on the innate adaptive abilities of the girl herself...
Question 2
Thank you for your participation, but I agreed of my own free will, not under duress. I also can’t decide with whom it’s better to leave my daughter on her first business trip: with dad or grandma? Her husband often stays with her for the whole day, they get along very well and love each other, and it’s easier for him to put her to bed, he’s calm and infects his daughter with calm. But he does not “dissolve” in her like his grandmother. He can be strict and mind his own business or sit and watch TV, but leaves her to be independent. I'm afraid my daughter might get bored with him. The grandmother completely “dissolves” in her granddaughter, cannot do anything extraneous with her, spoils her to the point of indecency, so the daughter is very happy about her arrival and does not let her go for a minute (even prefers her to me).
But grandma lives separately from us, so she’s not so used to putting her to bed, etc., besides, she’s a pure choleric person, so if something doesn’t work out for them, she’ll be very nervous. What do you think, huh?
Psychologist Galina Danilkina answers
It seemed to me that dad could quite cope with his assigned responsibilities. And grandma can stop by in a day or two, for example, for half a day: to play, to take a walk. This is quite enough for the child to feel in demand, as well as a variety of communication and activities.
In principle, it all depends on your mood and your child’s communication skills. If you are ready for the fact that such business trips may provoke the cessation of breastfeeding (a week is a long time, especially since it will be regular) - simply offer your daughter an adequate replacement for evening/night feedings (this could be your expressed milk, kefir or just water - different mothers and children choose different substitutes that can be poured into a bottle, however, on the condition that she drinks from your bottle).
I am not sure about the correctness of such recommendations from the point of view of a breastfeeding specialist. But from the point of view of the stereotype that has formed in your daughter, which needs to be supported so that she has confidence in the constancy of her living conditions during your absence, it is quite possible...
In addition, explain in detail to close adults what the sequence of your evening procedures is - for example, dinner, quiet games or a fairy tale, bathing, sleep. It is important that they do everything in such a sequence and reproduce the content to which the child is accustomed.
Offer your child a toy for sleeping, perhaps you will give your daughter a toy specifically for this purpose. Show how the toy goes to sleep in the baby's crib, let her sing a lullaby and rock it. Regularly place your baby in bed with this toy.
Finally, conduct a rehearsal of bedtime and night vigils without your participation. Such an experiment will show how wealthy your assistants are and what surprises you can expect during your actual departure.
In general, if business trips are unavoidable, try it for the first time and analyze how it will affect your daughter’s condition. If sleep is not disturbed, the child will behave adequately, will not refuse food and react violently emotionally to your week-long absence, and, most importantly, will not shy away from you (more than 1-2 days - has the right to adapt!) after arrival - this means , everything went more or less successfully. You can continue to work, while remembering to carefully monitor your daughter's behavior and watch for any warning signs.
For every child, mother is the most main man in life. But it is especially important and irreplaceable in the first years of a baby’s life.
Safety and comfort for a little person are inextricably linked with the presence of his mother; she feeds, warms, communicates, and introduces him to the world around him. In a word, as long as mom is nearby, everything is fine. But, unfortunately, things happen in life. different situations and sometimes the mother has to part with the baby for several hours or even days.
It is clear that the absence of a mother is always stressful for a child, but, on the other hand, one should not perceive temporary separation as a tragedy, because sooner or later all children will have to get used to living without their parents for some time. Therefore, the most important thing is to properly prepare yourself and your baby for the upcoming separation.
From 0 to 6 months
So for a baby early age The main difficulty of separation from his mother is that he does not understand what exactly is happening and is afraid of incomprehensible changes.
Of course, in the first 2-3 months the child has not yet formed a complete image of his mother, but he already recognizes familiar voices, smells and touches. The baby feels the presence of his mother and is nervous when she leaves. The baby cannot yet violently express his protest against her absence, but in the first few days of separation he begins to sleep much more restlessly and eat worse.
FEEDING
In the first months of life, the nutrition of a child separated from his mother is serious problem. If a nursing mother needs to leave her baby for several weeks, then lactation will most likely have to be stopped and the baby will have to be switched to balanced milk formulas, which is extremely undesirable. With shorter separations, the mother can save the milk and continue on her return. breast-feeding.
A few days before you leave, start building up a “strategic” supply of expressed milk. It is clear that it is almost impossible to collect milk for the entire period of your absence, but even one feeding breast milk per day (instead of a mixture) will benefit the growing body and will subsequently help you return to your usual diet. Expressed milk must be stored in the freezer (shelf life no more than 3 months); the best packaging for it is special “milk” bags (sold at the pharmacy) or plastic bags For edible ice.
During the trip itself, a nursing woman will also have to take care of lactation: regularly express milk 5-6 times a day, stock up on special breathable pads to prevent milk leakage, a breast pump, as well as regular sanitary pads, since a violation of the usual feeding regime can lead to the restoration of the menstrual cycle .
WHO WILL REPLACE YOU?
It is better for your role to be taken on by one of your relatives, whom the baby is already able to distinguish and perceive as a close person. The “temporary mother” needs to not only talk about the features of care and the child’s daily routine, it is best to conduct several “training” bathing, feeding, walking and other important procedures so that all parties involved have the opportunity to adapt at least a little to each other.
From 7 to 12 months
In the second half of the year, the baby becomes even more attached to his mother and constantly demands her presence - it is now that the psychological connection between the child and mother develops and strengthens.
Parting at this age aggravates the baby's fear of strangers and sudden changes in the usual course of life. Therefore, the main rule is to prepare the little man for this unpleasant event.
HOW TO PREPARE?
The mother's departure should not cause significant changes in the baby's life: everything should go the same as always - this will help the child feel confident and calm. Make sure that the person who will perform your role is familiar to the child and does not cause a negative reaction in him. Grandmothers are an ideal option, but even if this is a temporary nanny, she needs to make friends with the baby in advance.
WE SAY GOODBYE
Do not leave your child when he is sleeping: waking up will bring too much stress. The baby must say goodbye to his leaving mother, look at her and wave his hand. Psychologists say that you can prepare a baby for separation from his mother... by giving the child more freedom to move around the room. This helps him quickly realize his individuality and teaches him a little independence. Learning to play hide and seek is also useful. If the baby gets used to the idea that the hidden toy or person continues to exist, he will more easily realize: mom has left, but will definitely return.
WHAT ABOUT THE DEADLINE?
Try not to leave your child for more than 3-5 days, because even the most wonderful nannies and grandmothers cannot replace the baby’s mother.
I'M BACK!
If the baby literally “hangs” on the newly appeared mother, give him this opportunity, carry him in your arms more often, talk to the baby, let him get used to his mother’s company again. You should not immediately attack the baby with kisses and create the impression that the mother is to blame or feels sorry for him, otherwise the next time the reaction to separation may be more negative. If a child greets his mother warily, pay maximum attention to communication.
WE GO TO THE NURSERY AND MEET THE NANNY
If the baby will soon enter a nursery or communicate with a visiting nanny, you will have to approach preparation differently, because here we are talking about the regular absence of the mother and accustoming the child to a new daily routine.
First, find out the features of the daily routine in the nursery or tell the nanny in detail about the baby’s habits. It is necessary to begin transferring the baby to an unusual diet and sleep regime no later than 2 weeks before the start of the “new life”, and this will have to be done gradually. It is great if the mother can spend the first 1-2 days in the nursery with the child to help him get used to the new environment.
Do not forget to regularly tell the teachers and nanny about your baby’s well-being (especially if the day before he slept poorly, ate or was sick), and also ask them about how the day went.
The little man also needs to get used to the new nanny, and it is better to do this in his mother’s company.
Let the baby take his favorite toy with him to the nursery (and especially to his grandmother), this will help him survive separation from his mother.
From 1 year to 5 years
In the second year of life, the baby continues to acquire new skills. He speaks and understands words addressed to him better and better, and his thinking abilities develop along with his speech.
The child is now well aware of what separation is, is able to understand the mother’s explanations and get used to the idea that “this is how it should be.” Separation for the baby is noticeably made easier by his new ability to mentally imagine close people and important objects even in cases when he does not see them - this is called a symbolic representation, which is gradually formed in a person along with speech. The baby is now quite capable of drawing conclusions and foreseeing further developments: if mom gets dressed and gets ready, it means she will leave soon.
FEATURES OF THE PSYCHE
Fortunately, a child under the age of 5 is not able to worry and be upset for a long time - after all, he always has a reason for joy: a new game, something interesting. Every day he becomes more and more independent and can entertain himself for some time. In addition, the baby ceases to perceive with caution the world and turns into a tireless explorer; everything unfamiliar fascinates and attracts him, but does not frighten him.
WHO WILL REPLACE YOU?
Starting from 2-3 years old, the baby easily and willingly makes contact even with strangers, especially when he sees the positive reaction of his parents to this person. The baby begins to be much more interested in peers than in adults, is able to play for quite a long time in a company and even share toys with other children (if the parents explained to him that this is correct), with great pleasure he goes to visit other children and communicates on interesting topics.
NON-STANDARD REACTION
However, keep in mind that the baby can react very violently to parting with his mother, especially if he notices her nervousness and anxiety about this. An emotional child is capable of making a whole show out of his mother leaving for work with hysterics. The only thing you can do is to calm down and understand that there is nothing special in such a reaction, it’s just small man grows and learns to defend its interests. Therefore, the entire separation procedure must be minimized, even if the capricious person is not in the mood for this. Believe me, as soon as the mother leaves, the baby will quickly be comforted.
On the other hand, you should carefully monitor the child’s condition, especially in cases where the matter is not limited to short-term whims. If your baby suddenly loses his appetite, begins to have difficulty falling asleep and behaves restlessly during sleep, is constantly sick, is not interested in the world around him, and is always in a moody or depressed mood, you should consult a doctor and a child psychologist.
WHAT WILL HELP?
An album with family photos will help make the separation a little easier. At the age of over 1 year, a child is quite capable of distinguishing and recognizing images of loved ones and enjoys looking at “pictures” where they are captured. Of course, in kindergarten You shouldn’t take such an album, but when visiting grandma you can take it along with your favorite toys. And the toys themselves will also help make a day without mom so sad.
When you return home, spend at least an hour communicating with your child: ask how his day went, what was good, interesting, what he was thinking about, etc. It is best to schedule such a conversation for the time when the child is already going to bed - this is will help him relieve the nervous tension accumulated during the day.
WHAT ARE THE DEADLINES?
If the mother has a long trip ahead, it is advisable that it does not take more than 10 days, since the grown-up baby still really needs his mother.
If you had to leave your baby for a while, do not reproach yourself or try to “punish”. Of course, you won’t be able to completely get rid of worries and sad thoughts, but try to reduce negative emotions to a minimum. Remind yourself that this trip is your deliberate choice, and the baby is not left to the mercy of fate, but is left for a short time under the sensitive supervision of loving and caring people.
If anxiety does not leave you, take a light herbal sedative, take a short walk and be sure to call home - another message that your child has eaten normally and is quite happy with life will help calm down. But talking on the phone with the baby himself (if he is under 5 years old) is not worth it. Instead of joy, such correspondence communication brings only grief to the baby because his mother is not around, although he can hear her.
When you return home, do not be alarmed by some changes in your child's behavior. With equal probability, the baby can either “glue” to the mother or meet her somewhat distantly. All this is just a temporary reaction, the main thing that is required of you in such a situation is calm and a little more attention to the child than usual.
Have you returned and your baby wants to be with you all the time? Give him this opportunity: communicate, feed, play, be always there. A couple of days will pass, and the baby’s psyche will overcome the stress caused by the sudden separation from his mother, then everything will return to normal.
Does your child show no joy in meeting you, is he a little embarrassed and seems withdrawn? This is a reaction to parting with my mother. Sit quietly next to him, unobtrusively join in his play, offer your help in children's affairs, give new toy. Try telling your child about your trip and ask about what he did while you were away. In a word - let the baby feel your company and love, but without unnecessary pressure.
The first place where it would be good for a mother to go without a child soon after giving birth is a hairdresser. Then - to the doctor. It is also better to buy clothes and leave the baby at home. And it’s not far from going to work. What if it’s a business trip? At what age can you leave a child for an hour? How about for a day? When and for how long can you leave, leaving your baby with dad or grandma? And in what case will separation from your mother not be traumatic?
Parenthood is a very interesting ride on which you are thrown from side to side. From “I want to be with my child every minute” to “I beg you, give me at least an hour to be alone.”
Sometimes we need to go away on business, sometimes we need to meet friends, sometimes we need to go to work, and sometimes we just want to go on vacation. On a real vacation like this, with my husband alone. Without an inflatable crocodile, Easter cakes on the beach and the eternal “Ma-a-am, buy it!” I want to lie in a sun lounger and drink a mojito, and not all this.
And this is normal! Absolutely normal! This speaks about your psychological health and the fact that besides the child in your life, it turns out, there are other interests.
But no matter how confident parents we are, we still feel doubts inside. Is it worth leaving the baby? How long can you be away without harming him? He's going to cry.
Yes he will cry
Bitter personal experience trial and error and professional psychologists taught me the following:
- First, you need to accept that the child has every right to be sad, angry, even hysterical because of your leaving. These emotions in themselves do not harm him, they are normal.
- Secondly, it is important to understand that parents have the right to leave - to work, meet with friends, live their own lives. Many mothers are not sure about this themselves. They are tormented by a feeling of guilt, at the first tears of the child they are ready to give up everything and not go anywhere. The child reads this and creates scandals.
- Based on the first point (the child has the right to any emotions), give the baby time to come to terms with the fact that you will leave soon. Start talking long before you leave about where and when you are going, why it is important, and so on. Even if this is a meeting with girlfriends, and not a mission to save the world, you can honestly say that you love your girlfriends very much and want to see them, that this is important to you. A child may cry, but you can feel sorry for him, help him cope with his emotions, show sympathy and understanding, and not distantly say: “Don’t cry, you’re not a little one!”
- Based on the second point (mom has the right to her life) - do not fawn, do not ask for forgiveness, be calm and kindly confident. Don’t try to bribe the baby - “but I’ll bring you a gift from work.” Don't turn caregiving into bargaining.
Saving ritual
It would be good to develop a ritual for your care - any rituals, traditions, repetition are calming. For example:
- Place imaginary kisses in your baby's pockets - if he misses you, let him take your kiss out of his pocket.
- Put your handkerchief or any other thing in your child’s pocket, tell him to keep it, and you will come and check it soon.
- Wave your hand out the window and blow kisses.
- If you have a horseshoe pillow, tell your baby that it is a cuddle pillow and she will cuddle him if he gets sad without you.
- Together, jump three times and sit down twice before you leave - even such a stupid ritual can calm you down.
“Another option for such cases is to prepare a certain one whose mother also left on business. And leave it with the child so that he can cheer up this toy, for example, a bunny. And when he returns home, return the toy to his mother. For us, it’s just going out into the hallway ".
This strange job
It's great to take your child to work sometimes, if possible. So that he understands where the parent disappears. So that he understands what you are doing when you are not with him.
From work (or wherever you go) you can bring your baby some little thing. It doesn't have to be a cool gift - just an apple, or your drawing, or a bouquet of autumn leaves, anything. This “anything” will show the baby that you think about him even when you are not together.
Most importantly: say goodbye before you leave. There is nothing worse than a parent suddenly disappearing. Even if the child starts to get hysterical and cling to his legs, say goodbye and leave. Imagine that your husband disappears somewhere during the day. Was at home and disappeared. But you can't call him! Nice?
“For me, these disappearances are just the most incomprehensible technique. I remember how, as a child in the village, my mother said to her grandmother that she had gone to the toilet, and she went to Kiev! Well, what? How is this possible? I interrogate her to this day."
Only go to the toilet alone. Yes, he will yell at the door. But this is the best training for parting with your mother. The best treatment for fear. Because you are guaranteed to come out of the toilet, and quite soon - and so on several times every day. The baby is delayed - the mother leaves, but always returns.
Always prepare your child in advance for long separations. There is no need to leave suddenly for a week. Do you know that you are going to the maternity hospital in 8 months? From the beginning of pregnancy, practice separations - first for half a day, then for a day, then for a day, then for two. After many such times, the child will remember - yes, mom may leave, but she always returns. Then your departure will not cause any damage. But if you were always with your child, and then suddenly disappeared for 3-5 days, and even returned home with a brand new baby, it will be difficult for the older one.
It is better to practice separation in any case, even if you are not going to go to the maternity hospital. Because there are a million situations in life when you will need to leave suddenly. Hospitalization, for example. If your son or daughter was left without you at least sometimes, it will not be a horror. And if before that you are together 24/7 and everything is tied to you - maybe.
"Reading fairy tales where a mother separates from her child (in folk tales this is all the time) - this is also a kind of training for our children. Very careful compared to real separations. And there is always a good ending and reunion there too. Moreover, the hero (child) acquires some qualities due to this separation (short feasible stress). This, of course, is relevant for older children, after five years. But nevertheless, it really helps to get in a good mood.
You can also compose such fairy tales yourself and act them out with children through dolls, cars, and animals. How the mother and baby lived, how the mother had to leave, how she entrusted the baby to another adult, how the baby was worried at first, and then found something good for himself in this situation, and then the mother returned. This is roughly the scheme. Tested - it works!"
- Leave your photos in a visible place at home.
- Let those who are left with the baby always tell him that his mother left, but still loves him very much and will definitely return. They repeat it directly like a mantra.
- When leaving for a few days, you can leave surprises at home for your baby, which he will regularly find.
“Maybe my experience will be useful to someone. I always leave small parcels for children every day and sign, for example, “Varya - 1st day.” As a result, the child receives a parcel a day. Inside there is some kind of small or something creative. So, every day the children hear from me and count down how many days are left until I return. Soon I will be leaving again for 5 days, and they can’t wait for my departure!"
- Video calls are great! Regular calls are also possible. There is no need to ask “How are things in the garden?”, just say: “I love you very much and will definitely come back.” Even if the baby runs away from the tube and “does not listen,” ask the adult who is next to him to this moment, turn on speakerphone.
- It’s good to leave the child a mother’s T-shirt (nightie) that smells like her. Not washing powder and not perfume! And mom. That is, an unwashed item. You can put it in his crib, you can make a pillowcase out of a T-shirt.
“I was 8 years old when my mother was admitted to the hospital, and I remember walking around the apartment with her nightie. It really smelled like my mother.”
If mom left unexpectedly - and for a long time
And a little personal.
When my eldest son was four months old, I left him for ten days. The son stayed with his husband and assistant. You can say that my husband forced me to leave - he saw that postpartum depression covered me completely. It seems to me that he was afraid that I would go crazy - after all, I cried my eyes out almost every day. I have to admit, I needed this rest.
It is also worth admitting that these ten days of my absence greatly traumatized Dima.
I didn’t understand this right away, of course. It immediately seemed to me that the child did not even notice that I was leaving. But as it grew, we began to encounter different features his behavior, I began to dig into what and where, why, how to solve the problem. And in everything I came across the fact that, probably, the root of the problem was in my then sudden departure. Hysterics, late speech, aggression, fears and much more. I can’t list everything - this is Dimino’s personal.
Then I began to systematically work on restoring attachment, and improvement began almost immediately. But there are still some consequences (and he is already 6 years old). For example, he is still the only one of the children who regularly comes to us at night (to check if his mother has disappeared).
Taught by bitter experience, I never left Leva and Tikhon for long. And I don’t plan to leave it for more than three days until I’m three years old.
If a sudden separation has already happened, and you think that this could have traumatized the child, then pull this story out of your subconscious. Periodically, once every six months, for example, tell him that when he was just a baby, such a story happened. What a pity, but there was no other choice then. You understand that he was bored and sad. I was probably even afraid that you wouldn’t come back. But even when you were not around, you always loved him, missed him and, most importantly, returned to him. Fear, pulled out of the subconscious, ceases to be fear pretty quickly.
Personally, I don’t consider it a terrible injury to leave a child in the maternity hospital to term when you visit him once a day. I also don’t consider kindergarten and my mother going to work a problem. All this can provoke childhood sadness, but this is a regularly repeated story - you leave, but after a few hours you consistently return.
The sudden disappearance of a mother for a long period of time is different. But even this can pass without a trace. It depends on hundreds of different circumstances. Don't look at it as a problem if everything is fine. And if you understand that this has traumatized the child, know that all of this as a whole can be corrected/repaired/worked through. There would be a desire.
How does the fear of losing love arise?
At one of the seminars of neuropsychologist Valentina Paevskaya, I learned about the fear of losing love, which develops in children under three years old if close person goes somewhere for a long time. Especially mom. That this fear remains with a person for life.
Such people then seem to be forever trying to earn someone’s love. They try to be good, “curry favor” even to their own detriment. For example, men with a fear of losing love immediately bring 100 roses to the first date and fail expensive gifts, as if they were showing off out of place. Not because they are “showing off”, but because they are afraid of losing love.
And women with fear of losing love often suffer from an excellent student complex - and she must look stunning, and raise three children, and please her husband, and have a perfectly clean house, and earn money, even if the temperature is 39...
Listening to this, I recognized myself in many ways. Even my husband said: “It’s definitely you.” But why suddenly? I was with my mother all my childhood and never left my side. Or do I not remember this?
Arriving home from the lecture, I asked my mother if she had ever left me for a long time in childhood. At first she couldn’t remember, and then suddenly she said: “Yes, I did! When you (me and my twin sister) were 2 years old, I took you to your grandmother in Tbilisi, and I myself went to study in Moscow. For about four months.”
Imagine, I don’t remember this at all. All my life I lived with the thought that as a child I was always with my mother! And I also thought, why do I have problems with attachment? Where does the fear of losing love come from? And here we are, 4 months pre-conscious in a foreign country!
Do you think I've become angry with my mother? No! On the contrary, I directly exhaled and thanked her for remembering this episode. It’s like I found a piece of a missing puzzle. Everything immediately fell into place. And the fear of losing love came from the subconscious into the “conscious”, and from this it disappeared almost immediately.
"When my daughter turned 1.5 years old, I couldn’t leave her with anyone. I started to have neurosis, a feeling of guilt that I had to go to work, it seemed to me that my daughter would stop loving me. At the same time, the child calmly let me go. When she started work with a psychologist, it turned out that at about the same age my parents gave me to my grandmother, and only took me away on weekends. This separation was not easy for me. And I had a whole bunch of problems with my mother in the future, and fears of leaving the child - all because of that sudden separation."
