Rules for the formation of a child's self-esteem. How to instill self-respect and self-esteem in a child. Avoid expressing negative emotions

MOSCOW, October 17 - RIA Novosti. A person's self-esteem does not depend on his material well-being: it can be much higher for a janitor than for an oligarch. However, for people with disabilities, the opportunity to work and earn money allows them to feel like a full-fledged member of society, experts and psychologists interviewed by RIA Novosti believe.

World Dignity Day, which is held annually on October 17 in more than 50 countries around the world, is designed to draw society's attention to fostering a sense of leadership and self-respect. In Russia, this event is held for the second time and it is expected that special events for this day will be held at educational sites in Moscow, St. Petersburg and Ulan-Ude.

You may not be an oligarch...

Each person has self-esteem, the only difference is that it is different for everyone, psychotherapist Konstantin Olkhovoy noted. "One of the main determinants of the size of a sense of dignity can be the size of the line beyond which a person is ready to go or not ready to go and considers it unworthy of himself. Some consider it unworthy to humiliate and offend other people, while others believe that they should not reckon with the opinion strangers," Olkhovoy said.

According to him, a sense of dignity is determined by the upbringing of a person. A janitor's self-esteem can be much higher than, for example, an oligarch's. “I think that the material side plays a secondary role here. It’s another matter if a person, for example, was brought up from childhood in such a way that only the rich can have self-esteem, then poverty for this person will have a determining factor,” the expert believes.

Olkhova believes that in order to cultivate the right sense of self-esteem in a person, it is important not only to love the child, but also to respect his views. “Too often we forget that a child is an independent person, with his own problems and joys. And the more we respect our own children, the more self-esteem arises in the child. If the child sees that they are treated with respect to him, to other people , often this forms a sense of self-worth, which does not infringe on the feelings of other people, but supports oneself and others," Olkhovoy said.

Decent upbringing

One of the main life lines in the development of a child is his relationship with his mother. In these relations, from early childhood, either a basic trust in the world or distrust is born, says Vice President of the Russian Society of Psychologists, Academician of the Russian Academy of Education, Professor Alexander Asmolov. "Any sense of dignity is based on trust in the world and faith in oneself," he said.

He also believes that a child needs to be brought up with responsibility for the actions that he performs from early childhood. "Love alone without the generation of responsibility will not lead to the formation of attitudes of self-esteem," the professor added.

A child should learn from childhood not only to sympathize, but also to learn to be happy for the people around him, the psychologist explained.

"We know that children between the ages of 5 and 7 can empathize enough with other children when they have a misfortune. However, children are very weak at rejoicing for other children. It is no coincidence that psychologists say: people can sympathize, but only angels can rejoice" added the psychologist.

Independence and autonomy

According to the project manager of the regional public organization Disabled "Perspective" by Mikhail Novikov, a person gains self-esteem when he feels independent and independent.

"A disabled person in Russia cannot fully feel independent, and it is precisely independence that is the basis of self-esteem. Unfortunately, in our society there are a lot of barriers for people with disabilities that they constantly have to face. You always need to look for someone who who will help: climb the stairs, go down the curb, get into the building. You constantly have to look for someone's help. And it hits dignity, pride, "Novikov believes.

Nikolai Morzhin, executive director of the regional public organization "Center for Curative Pedagogics," agrees with him.

"The level of dignity of each individual person depends on the state of society as a whole. It is not so important here whether he has a disability or not," he is sure.

"It is important to find your occupation in life. Nothing raises self-esteem as much as the opportunity to earn money. When you can invite your mother to a restaurant and pay for dinner, you rise not only in her eyes, but also in yours too," says Novikov.

He also noted that the development of inclusive education, when children with disabilities can learn together with their healthy peers, will allow children with disabilities to realize their full potential. Specialized remedial and boarding schools, he says, can lead to the suppression of a child's self-esteem.

"Children in the boarding school are obliged to listen to the teachers in everything, follow the routine, not argue. And most importantly, no one perceives their own opinion," he is sure.

An important role, according to him, in the formation of personality is played by education.

“Recently I witnessed an unpleasant scene. Mom brought her son with cerebral palsy to rehabilitation classes, and I was struck by her conversation with the child. She told him: “Get used to it, now we have to crawl like this all our lives” ... The child cries, she is severe and constantly with him reminds him of his disability. This, of course, is wrong," Novikov said.

We all live in a society and associate with huge amount of people. But, you see, it’s different with everyone: you will never hear the word “no” from some, while others need an individual approach. It depends on the character in which self-esteem is laid as well. What is meant by it? For starters, it is a kind of inner strength, self-respect, an adequate level of self-esteem, an individual's awareness of his own significance and value. In relationships with the outside world, self-esteem is manifested in a sense of internal boundaries and exposure to outside influences, including dubious actions.

Why is it important to develop self-esteem

Benefits for a child?

Self-esteem in a child must be nurtured for a better future for your son or daughter. Experts disagree whether self-esteem is innate or acquired. But since this skill is tested in practice in society, it can be said that self-esteem can be developed.

Scientists are sure that a person with low self-esteem, who is insecure, has an underestimated coefficient of self-esteem.

Parents who do not love and respect themselves cannot love their son or daughter either. At the same time, by developing a child's self-esteem, mom and dad from childhood lay the foundation for him to become an excellent father or mother in the future.

If a child is abused, either physically or psychologically, he does not develop a healthy sense of self. In the future, it will be difficult for him to protect and protect himself, because his "I" is associated with humiliation. Usually such children do not complain about pain, resentment, and even about their parents. Such a child does not appreciate and does not take care of himself. It can be said that he has no self-esteem at all. A humiliated child is more likely to treat his or her children as well.

How to cultivate a sense of dignity correctly?

Parents should know how to instill self-esteem in a child. All our psychological trauma comes from childhood. Only mom and dad with self-respect can instill this by their example. right quality to kid. That is, to teach the baby to accept himself as he is, to respect himself and appreciate his talents and skills. For example, if the daughter is artistic, energetic, knows how to communicate, is not shy about other people, then you can send her to a theater studio. If your son likes the exact sciences, he is fond of computer science and physics, then you should consider computer courses or a circle on robotics. That is, if mom and dad support the baby’s talent, treat him with attention and respect, then in the future such a person will have self-confidence and self-esteem.

What to do if the child has formed

Low self-esteem?

Low self-esteem in a child is an occasion for parents to think. To remedy this, there are several recommendations.

How to deal with low self-esteem in children?

If the child has low self-esteem parents need to know what to do.

Teach your child to see the positive. For example, teach him to play the following game. Before going to bed, ask your child to think of five great things that happened in his life that day. It doesn't have to be something big. A delicious breakfast at home or a good mark for an essay is enough. Thus, the baby will understand that good things always happen in his life.
Give your son or daughter the freedom to choose. If the child is independent, he realizes that most things in his life depend on him. Ask him for advice in detail: what to do for dinner, how to celebrate New Year. But do not confuse freedom of choice and permissiveness. The main decisions in the life of a child until he comes of age should be made by adults.
Stop conflicts. It is rightly noted that words can hurt and even kill. If you have a quarrel with your baby, do not blame him and make a scandal. It is better to come to your senses and discuss the problem. No need to say the word "guilty". Replace it with "responsibility". Instead of “You are to blame,” say “Every action has consequences. We need to answer for them."
No need to demand more from the baby than he can give. Measure the number of years of the baby, his abilities and your desires. A 5-year-old child will not be able to take care of a newborn, a 15-year-old child is quite capable of doing this. If the kid does not know how to do something because of his age, he will be depressed, will begin to think that he does not know how and nothing works out. Although in reality he just needs to grow up a little.

“I’m afraid that I won’t pass the exam”, “I think that they won’t take me to the school team”, “I’m not sure that I can play the guitar as well as my dad.” Have you ever heard something similar from your child? If your answer is yes, then your child lacks self-confidence.

What you do and don't do, the words you say and don't say to your child, the feelings you express or don't express, all affect his self-confidence. To develop confidence in a child, you must handle him properly.

Let's take a look at what you can do to help.

1. Love and acceptance

Of course, you love your child no matter what. But does the child know about it? Does he know that you love him, accept and respect his choice?

Show your child love, even if you can't do it all the time. The child must know that he is loved and accepted, regardless of his advantages and disadvantages. Unconditional love is the foundation for a child to grow up to be a self-confident person.

Most importantly, respect your child as an individual.

2. Focus on strengths, correct weaknesses

Nobody is perfect, and kids are no exception. But in order to raise a confident child, you must not dwell on the shortcomings.

The upbringing of children should be aimed at developing the strengths of their character. At the same time, the child should feel able to develop and perform various tasks. Otherwise (for example, the child does poorly in school, fails in sports, etc.) help him see his strengths. Tell him what he's good at.

This does not mean that you should not pay attention to all errors. Teach your child to learn from his mistakes, but Special attention look at his accomplishments. This will remind the child that he can succeed if he wants to.

3. Do not rush to help the child at the first difficulty

Parents tend to protect their children and do everything possible so that they do not feel the bitterness of defeat, disappointment or pain. But rushing to the aid of a child every time he encounters the slightest problem is a bad idea. You can help him in any way, but the child must solve his problems on his own.

4. Let your child make decisions

Decision making is an important life skill that a child must master in order to gain self-confidence. Decision-making inspires the child because he sees different possibilities and can choose what suits him best. But until maturity is reached, the child may not know how to make decisions.

To help your child learn to make decisions, first give him two options to choose from. For example, you can offer a six-year-old daughter to choose what to wear to school (of course, within reason). But explain to her that she can't choose whether to go to school or not.

By allowing your child to make healthy choices (such as what to wear, what movie to watch, etc.), you are also teaching him to take responsibility for his decisions.

5. Encourage and develop your child's talents

Many children have special interests. Some love music or dancing, others are naturally good at drawing. Determine what your child is talented at and develop his abilities. If your child loves to draw, enroll him in art school. If he likes any kind of sport, give him to the sports section.

Developing a child's inclinations and talents is a great way to build his self-confidence.

6. Give your child responsibility

One of the most effective ways to strengthen the child's self-confidence - give him small tasks that he can definitely complete. The realization that a child can accomplish something on his own can excite him. When you can easily complete a task without experiencing difficulties, your brain is "charged" and ready to perform new tasks. Therefore, it is best to entrust the child with simple household chores. Do not forget to praise him when he does the assigned work well.

For example, an eight-year-old child can be assigned to feed a dog every morning. When he does this without prompting, praise him for it.

7. Praise your child when they deserve it.

When a child does something wrong, parents often reprimand him. But it is equally important to praise him when he does everything right. However, parents often forget about it. Of course, you should not praise the child for every little thing, but if he made an effort and coped with the task or does something right for a long time, praise him.

For example, if a child feeds a dog for several weeks without prompting, evaluate his efforts on merit. Even a simple "well done" will strengthen his self-confidence.

8. Teach your child positive self-suggestion

Self-hypnosis is an internal dialogue with oneself. What we tell ourselves every minute greatly affects our self-esteem and self-confidence. Our thoughts influence our emotions and our potential success. Therefore, if a child believes that he can cope with any business, his chances of success increase significantly.

By suggesting positive thoughts to themselves, young children learn to control themselves and achieve success in life.

9. Set realistic goals for your child.

Most the right way make the child doubt his own abilities - give him tasks that he cannot complete. But if you want your child to succeed in life and grow up healthy and confident, set realistic goals appropriate for their age.

For example, if you want your child to learn how to play the piano, that's a very realistic goal. But it is unrealistic to expect him to learn how to play in a month. In this case, it is better to set short-term goals for the child: learn notes, learn how to play simple melodies, etc. But, if you want the child to win after a month of classes musical competition, you set him up for failure and disappointment rather than self-confidence.

10. Let your child accept his own defeats.

No matter how hard you try, you will not be able to protect the child from failures and defeats. Like all people, your child will experience failure, pain, and disappointment from time to time. And that's okay. In such cases, it is not enough just to tell the child: "Do not hang your nose" or "Do not take it to heart."

Teach your child to be emotionally flexible and calmly accept victory and defeat. Tell him that it's okay to fail sometimes and that he can win next time if he tries hard.

The child is able to learn from his mistakes and correct them next time. The bottom line is to explain to the child that failure is natural, and after them there is always a way to achieve success.

11. Be good example to follow

Are you unsure of yourself? Doubt your abilities? If so, how can you expect your child to grow up to be self-confident?

Children do as you do, not as you say. Deal with your self-esteem and self-confidence issues and be a good role model for your child.

12. Encourage your child to express their feelings.

A confident child can express their feelings without feeling uncomfortable or overly emotional or aggressive. Self-confidence comes from expressing feelings in a healthy way and know when to be calm.

Encourage your child to express feelings orally or in writing. Teach him to remain calm in difficult situations. Explain to your child that you should not suppress your feelings, because they may come out when he is in trouble.

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We live in a society where one of the key values is freedom. We yearn to throw off all limitations and transcend boundaries. We want to raise our children free and independent. But, as practice shows, one can become free only by imposing certain restrictions on oneself.

British psychologist Robert McKenzie believes that the entire parenting experience fits into a three-dimensional approach to raising our children. According to the scientist's concept, most of us use one of three parenting strategies: permissiveness, authoritarian or democratic.

Three approaches to parenting

Who would refuse something to their beloved child? For our child, we are ready to do everything possible and impossible. We are ready to “hit ourselves”, but buy him whatever he wants and do not forbid him to do whatever he wants. This is the permissive approach.

Its main motto is everything for children. Parents who use this strategy are afraid to throw their children off balance. Usually, such adults take part in solving all the problems of children, and those, in turn, grow up with the conviction that parents always owe them everything and that rules exist for others, but not for them.

Some parents try to shape and control the behavior of their children in an authoritarian manner in accordance with their ideas about the standards of education(usually unrealistically high).

Children must comply with the requirements of their parents. They are obliged to be obedient to authorities, to be busy with work and respect the traditionally established order. All problems are solved with the help of force, through the "winner-loser" strategy. Parents in such families guide and control the child in everything.

Their children grow up with the knowledge that communication and problem solving is a painful process, and that all issues are the responsibility of the parents, and their voice is not taken into account. In such conditions, children often rebel, take revenge on their parents, burst into anger, or, on the contrary, become isolated and withdraw into themselves.

Parents who choose a democratic way of education are guided by the idea that children are able to solve their own problems, they only need to be motivated to cooperate with an adult. Such parents tend to leave room for their children to choose and let them learn from their mistakes. They are focused on cooperation with children, the implementation of the "winner-winner" strategy, their relationship is filled with mutual respect, children take an active part in solving problems. In such conditions, children learn well responsibility, cooperation, the ability to choose and draw conclusions from their actions.

The presence of such boundaries helps to introduce clear principles of behavior and reveal to the child their expectations in relation to him. They also determine the balance of power in the family and establish a hierarchy. family relations. Numerous studies confirm that children whose families have such boundaries grow up with self-esteem and self-confidence.

The same studies indicate that in families where parents treat children with tenderness and warmth, control them within reasonable limits, while placing high demands on them, children grow up more adapted to an independent successful life.

Therefore, the third of the proposed models can be called the "golden mean" model and proposed as the most environmentally friendly and successful parenting strategy.

Children need rights to feel their own dignity. Also, faith in yourself. Therefore, our task is to believe in your child. Believe with all your might, no matter what happens. And then he will learn to believe in himself. Grow up as a confident person. From statements: “My mother always believed in me. I often heard from her: “I believe in you. You'll be fine." I will never forget the feeling I felt every time I heard this: pride in myself, confidence in my abilities. Shoulders straightened out. And I learned to believe in myself. Her faith still supports me in life.”

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Advice for parents

How to raise a child with self-esteem

All my life, drop by drop, I squeezed a slave out of myself.

A.P. Chekhov

What is behind the famous saying of A.P. Chekhov? Why do people remember it and say it so often? How is a slave different from any other person? And what does all this have to do with the topic of child-parent relationships?

Let's try to figure it out. We look at Ozhegov in the Explanatory Dictionary:

"Slave. In a slave-owning society: a person deprived of all rights and means of production and who is the full property of the owner - the master who controls his work and life.

A man deprived of all rights is what a slave is. Apparently, every person has the right not to be someone's property and to fully manage his work and his life. And the less slavery we and our children have inside, the more self-esteem there will be.

Criticism is one of the main causes of low self-esteem. The child does not have to be the perfection that we imagined for ourselves. He lives for the first time, and not everything should work out for him right away. Talk about your feelings using I-statements. Do not give negative messages - they can be an emotional scar for a lifetime.

Negative messages are what a child hears in his address quite often: “Nothing will come of you! You are dumb! Be the janitor!" They can poison a person's life, or they can determine his fate. And further. Our children are learning from us. If we ourselves are sloppy, then what right do we have to demand accuracy from a child? It's just not fair. You have to start with yourself!

Why do we love to criticize, rather than praise and support? Probably because in childhood we were not very spoiled with praise. There are quite definite attitudes: “No matter how you praise, otherwise it will be conceited”, “Modesty adorns a person”. So parents are afraid to praise their son or daughter once again. And be sure to praise! Recall how you felt when someone praised you as a child. Wings grow behind your back! And what energy are you charging!

Man is born not knowing what he is. To a small child and there is nothing to do with this: he is good or bad, beautiful or not very. He simply lives and enjoys life, if he is surrounded by love, attention, care. And only then does he find out whether he is smart or stupid, handsome or scary, capable or so-so. And the most important assessment for him is the assessment of his parents. For it is they who are the most significant people for the growing baby. The way they look at him, the way he will look at himself. "You are handsome. You are smart. I love you. I believe in you” – this is what is important for a child to hear from their parents. But he often hears something completely different.

Adults sometimes do not realize that by angrily criticizing a child, they simply defuse their anger and helplessness. Because they don't know how. Haven't learned. This is how we were once brought up, and these stereotypes of upbringing have grown together with us. And although we swore that we would never raise our children the way our parents raised us, nothing came of it. In our shouts we recognize mother and father's voice. And then there is a feeling that you are walking in a circle.

In order for a child with self-esteem to have everything in order, find his dignity. Look how polite, affectionate, attentive he is, and what a good helper! Practice the compliment technique for five minutes before going to bed, sitting on the baby's bed. Daily! And then your son or daughter will not be recognized, and relations will improve markedly.

What if there is something you don't like about your child's behavior? You just need to separate the personality of the child from his act. Evaluate the act, but in no case criticize the person. Using “I-statements”, we talk about our feelings: “Petya! I love you very much. And I'm annoyed by your clothes scattered all over the house. I want you to take it away!" We talk about our feelings about the act of the child, but do not humiliate him.

We are parents - the first significant adults for our child. It is from us that he learns what he is - capable and handsome or "stupid freak." And it is us who believes endlessly. Children listen, peer into this assessment of ours, and gradually it develops into self-esteem, which can be positive or negative, overestimated or underestimated.

How is low self-esteem formed? Constant criticism that leads to emotional trauma, habitual negative messages, systematic suppression of will and initiative, violation of the rights of the child up to physical punishment, high expectations, constant comparisons with those who are better, higher, further, more successful ... With such comparisons, the child must definitely lose. “Look how neat Zinochka is, and you ...”. Sometimes parents, comparing, set themselves as an example: “I was an excellent student at your age, but you can hardly pull on triples!” But this, unfortunately, does not help either the relationship or success. These are parental illusions that the child will follow the indicated example, reach out for him and become the way the parents yearn to see him. And you never manage to reach out, and the feeling of your own imperfection and inferiority only grows stronger.

In order for the child to have everything in order with self-esteem, he must be sure that he is loved, handsome, smart. The child will never get tired of hearing, no matter how many times a day you repeat that you love him.There is never a lot of love, and do not be afraid to spoil it with this.

Literature:

Skovronskaya L.V. Parental class, or a practical guide for doubting parents.- M.: Genesis, 2014.-328 p. – (Parent Library)