My husband is a loser! Husband is a loser what to do reviews

I have been living with my husband for five years. My son is growing - 4 years old. Problems with money appeared a long time ago, when I was on maternity leave.

” - Suddenly I realized that my husband couldn’t give me basic things - even the opportunity to give birth to a second child - with the first one they could barely get by on his salary.

I went to work when my little one was 1.5 years old. I suffered terribly, the child roared, it took a long time to get used to kindergarten. I came to work and cried myself because my little son was crying in the garden. Then everything got boring. I quit my job and found a better paying one. I began to socialize with rich men. I see how they spin and spin to earn money for the family. But mine goes to work and sees no white light and no progress. I was disappointed in him as a provider. He doesn’t strive for anything, he comes after work and plays tanks on the computer.

” And recently, at work, a man I liked began to show me signs of attention. He is in civil marriage, two children, and I’m so tired of everyday life, of my loser husband. And I’m terribly tormented that it’s all my fault.

I bite myself every day that it’s all my fault. And I like the man more and more. And I understand that everything is wrong, and my soul is so disgusting and disgusting...

At first glance, everything seems to be logical and understandable: there is a family with a small child and, apparently, a very low income. It has a husband who earns little and does not strive to earn more; moreover, he turns a blind eye to the tense atmosphere in the family, infantilely escaping from family troubles and, probably, from the relationship itself into virtual reality. And there is a wife who is not satisfied in her needs, in feeling protected by her mother, and indeed by a woman in general, who has taken it upon herself to earn money for the family. In such a situation, her feelings and sympathy for other, wealthier men are quite understandable.

But there are a couple of points, and very significant ones, that make the whole picture not so clear-cut. The first point: this is an admission that you are disappointed in your husband as a breadwinner.

” To be disappointed, you must first be enchanted, or in other words, deceived. And this is possible only when there is no sober view of a person and there is a desire to be deceived, to take wishful thinking. From such charms the image of a partner is formed, and often people marry precisely the image, and not the one who actually is.

And the consequences are sobering and, naturally, disappointment. Since there was no such clarity and awareness at the beginning of the relationship, then, apparently, a normal understanding of one’s share of responsibility for the established union with this particular person appeared.

The second point is the last four sentences of the letter. A feeling of guilt, growing, consuming. From what? Maybe because of the irrational prejudice that “I got married just once, albeit unsuccessfully,” or maybe because of the completely rational “I’m getting ready to deceive my husband”? There is a hint: everything is to blame, literally everything that happens. Something global. And translated into understandable terms - for everything I feel now. And an additional indestructible argument in favor of the fallacy of what she had in mind - the last sentence letters. Disgust towards your intentions and your behavior is absolutely reliable information that you are doing something contrary to your own soul.

” It seems that for you what they have started is betrayal, and not a way out of prison. The relationship with your husband is more valuable to you than it seems, as is the husband himself, under all the circumstances described.

And your responsibility for the situation may well consist in remaining a woman with this man, and not becoming a breadwinner instead of your husband. And the challenge for you is serious, difficult, multifaceted, affecting not only the financial aspect of the relationship, but also all others. If you accept him, I believe, the guilt and disgust will go away, and in your face, next to your husband, a woman will begin to appear, whom he will feel differently and may well begin to change himself. And you still have a chance family happiness with this man. But this is only in a nutshell to outline the prospects, but in general both have a lot of work to do. I understand that formally it is easier to leave and in some cases this would be a solution, but not for you. At least not now, you still don’t know how your husband will react to someone else.

That's it. It’s not clear what you’re arguing with)
I wonder if they were not married at the time they met, then how did these same “good housewives” live? And how did you meet successful man? In line at Pyaterochka?
Fairy tales about Cinderella and the Prince are probably possible in real life, but very rarely. If a girl is 25 years old, then she has youth and beauty on her side, even if she doesn’t work. But if a woman is 40 and she alone manages children and living on a small salary, without the opportunity to take care of herself, regular sports and beautiful hobbies, then I very much doubt that she will give a head start to the young.

A good housewife is not the same as a housewife who lives at the support of her husband. I'm talking about the type of woman. These are ordinary women, with an appearance that matches their age. Co average job and older children.
The fairy tale about Cinderella has nothing to do with it.
We met - 2 through friends, one was a former classmate. atakli
Your situation is different. The concentration of life dramas on one square person is too great.
IMHO, most people in this situation would go crazy or commit suicide. I include myself in the same pile because with childhood health problems I was at a lower level, but for 3 years I was on the verge

So in my life examples you go through the classes “extreme survival” and “titanium of spirit”

All the gloomy examples I have previously written on this topic are trivial, probable Annochka
Thank you. Chiara10
Social class - hired workers. Mostly educated, I communicated less with others. Examples seen throughout my entire life, that is, women of different ages.

Well, and more examples with eva and 7ya. Regularly

Well, I definitely) and I don’t want to.. it’s much nicer

Often men They accuse women of judging them by the size of their wallet and their ability to financially provide for their family. It is, of course, easiest to blame the weaker sex for commercialism, but to become a real support for your wife and provide material wealth family, not all men succeed. Most husbands earn little, they are indecisive and do not strive for high goals. Such men are usually called losers.

At work loser husband- a typical representative of the gray majority of people with an average salary, that is, one that is only enough to feed and live a family. To his wife’s suggestion to look for another job, he replies: “I have enough money, you don’t have enough and look for a job.” The wives of such husbands do not want to meet their friends, do not dream of vacationing at the seaside, and buy clothes for all family members at sales. And the most unpleasant thing is that every day after a hard day at work they are forced to listen to their husband’s complaints about how unfair life is and that only those who, unlike him, are not honest, live well today.

Failed husband likes to blame others for all his failures; he can tell every day how his boss pesters him at work and how evil colleagues tease him. Over time, the wife, without realizing it, turns into a vest to wipe away her husband’s tears and stops asking him to look for another job. After all, he is so helpless and weak-willed, who will take him to another job.

About Us for years resigns herself to such a life and grows old, having never received from life what she hoped for in her youth, having chosen this man as her husband. In such families, the husband and wife feel lonely, the wife does not want to communicate with her husband, because she sees that he does not like listening to stories about how former friends went on vacation to an expensive resort or bought a new apartment. Children raised in such families are forced to start all over again, without any help from their parents. But not all wives put up with the passive behavior of a loser husband. Many people spend their entire lives trying to re-educate him, causing scandals and reproaching him for being a “mattress” and a “mumbler.”

Do you think your husband is a loser? It is quite possible that today you are ready to part with your loser husband and want to find a new “prince” who could realize your unfulfilled dreams? But where can you find them, if even before your marriage all the normal men were already taken. No one marries a man who drinks beer and gambles all day long. If your husband today, in your opinion, is among the losers, this does not mean that he was like that before your marriage.

All women's conclusions about their husband's failure- this is a consequence of her upbringing. If a woman grew up in a family where the father earned a lot and provided a high standard of living for all family members, then she automatically considers lucky only the man who can arrange the same life for her. Basically, her criteria for assessing men are greatly inflated and anyone who does not have a huge bank account, an expensive foreign car and a dacha in a prestigious place is a loser for this woman.

To a woman with such ambitious demands, it is better not to marry a man with an average income, and if you haven’t found someone else, then you need to come to terms with the life that your husband provides. If you want to live a luxurious life, shine with furs and diamonds, then learn to earn money yourself or leave your loser husband. The only question is: will you find a wealthy man later? After all, there are so many hunters for other people’s wealth today that there are too many of them for one rich man. You can no longer turn back time, but you shouldn’t live your life in desperate grayness next to a failed man.

To start try understand and accept your husband for who he is. To improve family relationships It is very important to see your partner not as he should be, but to appreciate him for what he already is. You can only truly appreciate your loved one. Only love makes us blind and makes it possible not to see that a person falls short of something. After all, it’s not so important how much a man earns, but great importance has his attitude towards you and his character. If he is responsive, caring, calm and patient, then it is quite possible that career growth and high earnings are not part of his life plans. He wants to spend more time with his family and participate in raising his children, rather than disappearing all day at work, not knowing what the children are doing in his absence. But no spiritual qualities of a man should be a reason for the woman next to him to become a draft horse, pulling the whole family alone, or a pitiful creature, counting every penny.

What what kind of man is this?, if children do not eat vegetables and fruits, they do not have mobile phones, the mother works all day to feed the family, and the loser husband sits with a can of beer in front of the TV and sighs how difficult it has become to live in the current conditions. Love, of course, is evil, you can fall in love out of naivety and such. But such an attitude towards family members, even covered in beautiful words and imaginary care quickly kill feelings.

Usually before woman's marriage they see that the man is not entirely confident in his abilities and there are not enough stars in the sky, he has no special abilities, no energy, no pride, no ambitions. They marry such men mainly with the hope: “I will re-educate him and make him a successful person!” But over the years, it becomes clear that the husband does not want to strain himself, and if his wife asks him to do something, he grumbles and gets offended. In such families, wives either resign themselves to poverty or break up with their loser husband. Unfortunately, a woman cannot rehabilitate a man who is too lazy to do anything to change the life of his family for the better.

Almost every girl wants to see in a man support and support, a strong shoulder, about which so much has been written. Of course, there are girls who are not entirely psychologically balanced and who deserve drama and tragedy, but today is not about their preferences.

In most cases, a loser can be recognized at the very beginning of a relationship; to do this, you just need to look closely at the details and listen to what the person says and how he thinks. For me, a loser is a man who is not ready for responsibility, who is unable to take care of his woman, who does not strive for anything and is not ready to overcome difficulties and develop; maybe someone has a completely different definition about this.

Recognizing a Loser Man

Here are the main points by which you can calculate it:

1. Always blames someone for his problems. Everyone is to blame - exes, parents, boss, president, absolutely everyone except himself. Over time, this role will definitely pass to you. This behavior speaks, first of all, of an inability to take responsibility, and then what can be expected from such a person - only accusations.

2. A lot of negativity. Everything is wrong and everything is wrong, no matter what you touch. The coffee is not tasty, the meat is undercooked, the weather is not right and, accordingly, all this affects his mood not for the better.

3. Lots of shortcuts. All the rich people stole, they are free-spirited women and other nonsense.

4. Attitude towards service personnel. Such people will compensate for their dissatisfaction by tearing away at their subordinates. A disrespectful attitude towards other people immediately speaks of a person who is not with the best side, this includes: poking, commanding tone, inappropriate gestures and much more.

5. Passive position. Everything is wrong, but at the same time I do nothing, but stupidly accuse.

6. No goals or aspirations, lack of hobbies and a bunch of excuses why this is so.

7. Calls for self-pity. Begs for her different ways and accepts it with pleasure as a balm for the soul.

8. Self-affirms at the expense of loved ones. He can easily offend someone who is weaker than him, without noticing or realizing it.

9. Lots of manipulations in communication. Anything that is not according to him immediately begins to put pressure and influence in various ways.

10. Laziness, passivity and aggression its main features.

And the stupidest thing here would be to start remaking a person, learn to look at things realistically, when getting involved in a relationship with a loser, you should not expect that with you he will certainly become a different person.

Maria Zelina

P.S. And remember, just by changing your consciousness, we are changing the world together! © econet

A loser husband is like a suitcase without a handle: it’s hard to carry and it’s a shame to throw it away. Save or be saved? Support or leave? Is the man himself determined to get rid of the “failure” assessment, or is it beneficial for him to remain in the ranks of the “humiliated and insulted”? The author of “Lady Mail.Ru” talks with the center’s psychologist “ A happy family» Natalya Panfilova.

What is bad luck?

The concept of “loser” is largely subjective. For some, a loser husband is a failed genius: in his youth he showed brilliant hopes, but ruined his talent. For others, he is a lazy man with many years of experience, who, in the opinion of his wife, cannot reach the heights that would be pleasant to her. She practically married a general, assuming that this lieutenant would make a dizzying career today or tomorrow, but it turned out that he didn’t really need it or couldn’t do it.

In Russian realities, we more often characterize men by material wealth: when the social bar is raised high, financial insolvency becomes the main equivalent of a loser. This is not surprising; material wealth speaks of a desire to improve life, of the ability to overcome life’s difficulties. An irresponsible, infantile man who has a pessimistic approach to life, avoids making decisions and creates obstacles for himself to make a breakthrough, is unlikely to be able to provide a reliable rear for the family.

Psychologist's comment: “The concept of “loser” is usually considered in terms of underfulfillment and the characteristics of the person himself, his character. In the first case, he is labeled a “loser” with many complexes, and he simply lives according to his abilities. For example, the family once did not accept his talent, but demanded the continuation of family traditions; the man obediently tried to fulfill a script that was alien to him. And while he was not following his own path, he achieved little.

In the second, “loser” is a way of thinking, a state of mind, those whom we call losers from birth or those who became one under the influence of circumstances, broke down. The person himself diligently cultivates the loser syndrome within himself, living by the principle “I have nothing, I don’t want anything.” For many, this becomes a profitable position. Assessing oneself as unsuccessful (“what do you want from me, I’m a loser”) removes responsibility from a person and shifts it to external or temporary circumstances; one can blame everyone and everything for all one’s failures.”

How to spot a loser

Women have a huge reformative spirit; they are confident that they are able to change a man. Common mistake- stop at what you like and close your eyes to the rest. Instead, it is important to be more careful and study the character of the chosen one, listen to the opinions of other people who have known him for a long time, for example, classmates, classmates. Those who can say, “that guy is a loser, he always has been like that” or “he's always had it in him.” The tendency to overcome difficulties or, conversely, attract troubles develops over time. If some habits have always been present, then you will have to face them again.

Psychologist's comment: “Of course, some of the responsibility for the fact that a woman married a loser falls on her shoulders, in the sense that she did not see those qualities that help a person realize himself, help him become successful. Success depends both on talent and on the ability to realize this talent. ».

Way to success

Your actions will depend on the origin of the loser psychology.

1. If the fact is that a person was once forced to make some choice that was not for his good, a huge burden will fall on those around him. It should be recognized that a mistake was once made and now there is an opportunity to correct it yourself. The task of loved ones is to give strength and faith, to support in what is important and interesting to a man, to allow him to express himself. A woman can act as an observer, providing maximum freedom, but the initiative must come from the man himself. The process is not quick, and, of course, it is not easy to see an adult starting everything from scratch. It will take patience to let this unfold.

Psychologist's comment: “If a man himself goes somewhere in the wrong direction, psychotherapy, internal reflection, and reflection would greatly help him. The first step to removing the stigma of being a loser is realizing your own involvement in what happens in life. External influence in this case is insignificant. It’s much easier for relatives not to interfere with the situation so that it begins to develop differently.”

2. If a person is negligent, it is first important to admit it. You will need serious stimulating support, almost parental support, from your close circle. The wife can act as an inspirer, “try this or do that,” together look for areas where a man feels confident, and help him realize himself.

“In any case, without fanaticism,” Natalya Panfilova warns. - A supportive position can give good results, but there are no guarantees. When agreeing to such a mission, there is no need to harbor hopes or illusions that you are able to radically change the situation. If you want, try it, for the sake of love, faith in this man. In many of us there is a hidden Decembrist, to one degree or another ready to endure, to seriously invest in the chosen one in the hope of receiving dividends. But there are dangers in such a position. Relationships are based on the balance of “give and take.” It is important to be aware of what you are putting in and what you are getting out.

If a woman realizes her maternal instinct in this way, then this probably gives a feeling of harmony in her life, but in the future this will not be enough. The moment will come and she will say the sacramental: “I’ve put my whole life on you, you’re a loser.”

At twenty or thirty years old, a woman is inclined to experiment and search. By the middle of life, the realization comes that it is sad to invest in a husband who needs to be put on his feet, without the opportunity in the end to simply enjoy life. It’s important to stop in time, stop living in other people’s interests, and move someone somewhere. It is not necessary to get a divorce, but it is important to understand why you need the “cross” that you bear.

Suddenly there is a war, and we are tired

The now popular leadership race has migrated from office corridors to family life. Formally, the wife makes requests and is ready to wait: “Dear, do it, choose, help.” But if the “darling” delays and puts it off, you have to do it yourself. That is, no one expects the result, which later becomes a family scenario.

A loser husband is like a suitcase without a handle: it’s hard to carry and it’s a shame to throw it away. Save or be saved? Support or leave? Is the man himself determined to get rid of the “failure” assessment, or is it beneficial for him to remain in the ranks of the “humiliated and insulted”? Our author talks with Natalya Panfilova, a psychologist at the Happy Family center.

What is bad luck?

The concept of "loser" is largely subjective. For some, this is a failed genius: in his youth he showed brilliant hopes, but ruined his talent. For others, he is a lazy man with many years of experience, who, in the opinion of his wife, cannot reach the heights that would be pleasant to her. She practically married a general, assuming that this lieutenant would make a dizzying career today or tomorrow, but it turned out that he didn’t really need it or couldn’t do it.

In Russian realities, we more often characterize men by material wealth: when the social bar is raised high, financial insolvency becomes the main equivalent of a loser. This is not surprising; material wealth speaks of a desire to improve life, of the ability to overcome life’s difficulties. An irresponsible, infantile man who has a pessimistic approach to life, avoids making decisions and creates obstacles for himself to make a breakthrough, is unlikely to be able to provide a reliable rear for the family.

Psychologist's comment:“The concept of “loser” is usually considered in the categories of under-fulfillment and characteristics of the person himself, his character. In the first case, he is labeled “loser” with many complexes, and he simply lives according to his abilities. For example, his family once did not accept his talent, but demanded the continuation of ancestral traditions, the person obediently tried to fulfill a script that was alien to him, and while he did not follow his own path, he achieved little.

In the second, “loser” way of thinking, state of mind, those whom we call losers from birth or those who became one under the influence of circumstances, broke down. The person himself diligently cultivates the loser syndrome within himself, living by the principle “I have nothing, I don’t want anything.” For many, this becomes a profitable position. Assessing oneself as unsuccessful (“what do you want from me, I’m a loser”) removes responsibility from a person and shifts it to external or temporary circumstances; one can blame everyone and everything for all one’s failures.”

How to spot a loser

Women have a huge reformative spirit; they are confident that they are able to change a man. A typical mistake is to focus on what you like and turn a blind eye to the rest. Instead, it is important to be more careful and study the character of the chosen one, listen to the opinions of other people who have known him for a long time, for example, classmates, classmates. Those who can say: “he was always like this” or “he always had it in him.” The tendency to overcome difficulties or, conversely, attract troubles develops over time. If some habits have always been present, then you will have to face them again.

Psychologist's comment:“Of course, some of the responsibility for the fact that a woman married a loser falls on her shoulders, in the sense that she did not see those qualities that help a person realize himself, help him become successful. Success depends on both talent and from the ability to realize this talent."

Way to success

Your actions will depend on the origin of your chosen one’s “failure.”

1. If the fact is that a person was once forced to make some choice that was not for his good, a huge burden will fall on those around him. It should be recognized that a mistake was once made and now there is an opportunity to correct it yourself. The task of loved ones is to give strength and faith, support in what is important and interesting to a man, and allow him to express himself. A woman can act as an observer, providing maximum freedom, but the initiative must come from the man himself. The process is not quick, and, of course, it is not easy to see an adult starting everything from scratch. It will take patience to let this unfold.

Psychologist's comment:“If a man himself goes somewhere in the wrong direction, psychotherapy, internal reflection, and reflection would greatly help him. The first step to removing the stigma of a loser is awareness of one’s own participation in what is happening in life. External influence in "In this case, it is of little significance. It is much easier for relatives not to interfere with the situation, so that it begins to develop differently."

2. If a person is negligent, it is first important to admit it. You will need serious stimulating support, almost parental support, from your close circle. The wife can act as an inspirer, “try this or do that,” together look for areas where a man feels confident, and help him realize himself.

“In any case, without fanaticism,” warns Natalya Panfilova. “A supportive position can give a good result, but there are no guarantees. When agreeing to such a mission, there is no need to harbor hopes and illusions that you are able to radically change the situation. If you have a desire, try it, for the sake of love, faith in this man. In many of us there is a hidden Decembrist, to one degree or another ready to endure, to seriously invest in the chosen one in the hope of receiving dividends. But in such a position there are dangers. Relationships are kept on the balance of “give and take.” It is important. be aware of what you put in and what you get out.

If a woman realizes her maternal instinct in this way, then this probably gives a feeling of harmony in her life, but in the future this will not be enough. The moment will come and she will say the sacramental: “I’ve put my whole life on you, you’re a loser.”

At twenty or thirty years old, a woman is inclined to experiment and search. By the middle of life, the realization comes that it is sad to invest in a husband who needs to be put on his feet, without the opportunity in the end to simply enjoy life. It’s important to stop in time, stop living in other people’s interests, and move someone somewhere. It is not necessary to get a divorce, but it is important to understand why you need the “cross” that you bear.

Suddenly there is a war, and we are tired

The now popular leadership race has migrated from office corridors into family life. Formally, the wife makes requests and is ready to wait: “Dear, do it, choose, help.” But if the “darling” delays and puts it off, you have to do it yourself. That is, no one expects the result, which later becomes a family scenario.