Stages of parting in men, the psychology of parting. Parting: causes, stages and ways of experiencing The stages of parting in girls

If parting became inevitable and both partners decided to take this step, then most likely the question will be: "How to live and what to do?". Separation is a concept familiar to everyone. Family psychologists say that a person subconsciously sees it as a loss. At the same time, experiencing this loss, a person goes through certain stages of parting.

The first is the denial of reality

The ex-lover cannot accept and believe that they broke up with him, and that this separation is final and irreparable. He is still making plans and firmly believes that the breakup is just a stupid mistake and sooner or later everything will be the same as before. He thinks that the second half will call and say that everything will be fine and they will be together again. The first stage can last from three to five weeks to one and a half years.

The second is anger at a loved one

The stages of experiencing a breakup are not complete without anger, because the realization that a loved one has betrayed and abandoned cannot but carry this negative feeling. Resentment gradually turns into aggression, and the ex-partner is accused of unwillingness to maintain a relationship. Angry manifestations are purely individual, so some skip the second stage and go straight to the third.

Third - bargaining and hope for the best

Trying to renew the past relationship, a person begins to bargain with himself or a former partner. For example, going through the stages, a man sets himself a certain time frame (interval), during which he will have a chance to reconcile and renew relations with his partner. By creating such a time frame, he is trying to cope with separation and get used to a new state - loneliness.

Fourth - depression and apathy

Awareness of one's helplessness, and with it depression, comes when a person realizes that it is pointless to deny separation and nothing can be corrected. Negative thoughts gradually lead to despair, depression, apathy, insomnia, sadness. All these conditions are a completely natural reaction of the body to stress. They can be especially acute in the fourth and second stages of separation in women.

Fifth - life from scratch

Life goes on, gradually a person forgets old grievances, meets new people, stops living in the past. A second wind opens, and with it new plans, strengths and hopes for a brighter future appear.

Family psychologists say that the process of experiencing separation can last either three months or three years, it all depends on the nervous system of a particular person.

Factors and causes

The stages of acceptance of a breakup depend on many reasons and factors. Perhaps the most difficult thing here is nostalgia: at any moment, no matter how happy a person is, he can again plunge into memories. And if some experience these nostalgic moments simply and with a smile, then others are again enveloped in despair, anxiety, sadness, regret and even anger.

Dealing with a loved one is very difficult. Parting is unbearable because it makes changes to the already familiar, established way of life. A lot also depends on who initiated the separation: if the ex-partner suggested it, then a feeling of inferiority and humiliation of one's own dignity is added to it. Thoughts that a loved one has neglected and betrayed are knocked out of the usual life rut.

The most important thing is all 5 stages of separation, try not to linger in any of them for more than two to four weeks. It is very important to put an end to relationships, stop thinking about them, start a new happy life.

The faster a person lets go of his beloved, stops calling, writing, seeing him, the faster and less painfully the stage of separation will pass. You should not be afraid of a new life and new relationships, trying on the sad patterns of the past: having let go, sooner or later you will find much-desired relief and spiritual freedom.

If you can’t get out of depression, psychologists advise you to analyze the relationship, while it is important to remember not only negative, but also positive moments, as well as what led to the breakup. It is very important to draw conclusions and prevent the repetition of mistakes in the future.

The unwillingness of the former partner to maintain friendly relations indicates a strong resentment that does not allow him to behave differently. In this case, it is worth thinking about what went wrong in the relationship.

with a man

The stages of parting in women are more pronounced emotionality and length. There are cases when the representatives of the weaker sex were in a depressed state after separation for more than ten years.

Psychologists advise girls in a particularly difficult situation to put on the mask of a successful lady, get used to this image and try to experience as many positive emotions as possible, being strong and independent.

By acting on this principle and as if living a difficult life period for another person, you can not only restore your peace of mind, but also find a new partner who can heal all spiritual wounds.

Another important factor in happiness is self-praise and admiration. It is no secret that it is quite difficult to love yourself again, experiencing separation. Self-love is the item without which the fifth stage cannot pass.

Forgiveness and acceptance

A very important moment in the second stage of parting in men is the forgiveness of a former lover and the realization that she also has the right to personal happiness and life with another person. During this period, you should avoid negative memories, discussions with friends, and especially calls and messages with unpleasant text and reproach.

In order to survive this difficult life stage, you need to mentally let go of your ex-partner. Do not be humiliated and do not try to return it. After all, even if he agrees to resume communication, he will most likely do it out of pity.

The longer the love union was, the harder it is to survive separation and go through all the stages of separation. Psychology in this case offers a lot of trainings that can help solve the problem and not withdraw into yourself. For example, separation is a chance to fulfill an old dream, an opportunity to change jobs, move, start a new life. With a break in relations, no matter how sad it may sound, there is more time that you can take visiting museums, fairs, cinemas, theaters, sign up for various sections and master classes. The main thing during this period is not to sit at home and not succumb to despair.

The longer the worse

Surviving breakups after a long relationship is always more difficult than breaking up fleeting romances. In such a situation, psychologists advise not to despair and look at the situation from a different angle. Separation is a chance to start life from scratch, to accomplish everything that was simply impossible to decide before. Failure in your personal life is to reach heights in your career and become a true professional. This is the time of travel and fulfillment of desires. An opportunity to make a childhood dream come true, dance, learn how to make beautiful soap or assemble aircraft models.

Experiencing a break with a loved one, the main thing is not to become discouraged and not allow obsessive thoughts about loneliness. After all, communication with relatives, friends and colleagues cannot make up for the warmth, understanding and security that was before. No matter how interesting a person may be with an interlocutor, in his soul he understands that there will no longer be such pleasure as when communicating with a loved one.

Breaking up with the woman you love

Men experience breakups more acutely than women. Yes, in everyday life, the strong half of humanity is distinguished by endurance, willpower and firmness of character. But when it comes to breaking up relationships, especially if it happens suddenly, without reason and at the initiative of a woman, emotions appear very sharply. It is especially difficult to survive separation emotionally dependent on the second half of men. After all, addiction, according to psychologists, does not appear from love for your other half, but from self-hatred and the desire to fill the void inside with compliments and pleasant words.

Usually men are stingy with emotions and prefer to keep everything to themselves, which is why when adrenaline in the blood goes off scale and rage tries to get out, it is likely that the stages after parting in men will be accompanied by:

drinking alcohol in an attempt to numb the pain;
playing sports, sometimes until the body is completely exhausted;
promiscuous sexual relations (a person is approved at the expense of others);
driving a car or motorcycle at high speed.

Family psychologists say that the stronger sex reacts more sharply to the negative that happens in relationships, and this is due to the fact that the male psyche in such a situation is more receptive than the female.

Self love

The stages for men and women are about the same. In this difficult period, the main thing is to fall in love again and learn to respect yourself, because as we treat ourselves, others treat us the same way.

Having fallen in love and accepted himself, a person will be able to live on and meet someone with whom he shares his feelings.

Only after a while you can understand that the break was a necessity and the new relationship is much stronger and more joyful than the previous ones.

In order to go through all the stages of parting as painlessly as possible, psychologists recommend:

enjoy every moment and rush to fill every second of your life with meaning, interesting events and new people;
separation is something that every person goes through, so sometimes it’s just worth gaining strength and being patient;
stop looking for flaws in yourself and consider that someone is better and more worthy than you;
in no case do not write, call or pursue a former lover;
remove the data of the former or former from social networks and the phone book, do not follow his / her life and do not communicate with mutual acquaintances;
not to be alone, to visit as many interesting places as possible;
sign up for fitness, swimming pool or sports club;
learn something new;
make interesting acquaintances, do not refuse dates;
devote as much time as possible to interesting and important things;
change the image, buy new clothes, perfumes, cosmetics, accessories.

The above tips are not only very simple and practical, but also effective.

You can also find interesting tips on how to get through the stages of a breakup on numerous forums.

To solve this problem, users are advised to adopt the following techniques:

If the separation was initiated by the former, do everything so that he regrets that he left you.
If the relationship is going downhill, break up first/first with your spouse.
Be as confident as possible when meeting with mutual friends, they should not know that separation worries you.
Stop feeling like a victim.
Get involved in charity work.
Learn to paint or sculpt with clay.
Go through all the stages of separation as quickly as possible.
Find out the truth about your relationship from the outside, perhaps in the future this will help you build a happy union.
Change the scenery, start traveling.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. This advice especially applies to the stronger sex, because it is known that the stages of parting in men are much more difficult than in women.
Draw conclusions and do not repeat your mistakes in the future.

It is important to remember that the views on relationships in men and women are very different. And therefore, only that union can successfully develop in which both partners pursue the same goal (for example, start a family) and are ready to listen to each other at any time and find a solution to the problem together.

Parting often leads to difficult experiences, and this is not only about parting with a loved one, but also about parting with children, with friends. Breaking up a relationship is always a loss. To avoid such painful situations, knowing the reasons why breakups most often occur, how they are experienced and how to maintain relationships that are important to you will help.

What it is?

Psychology evaluates parting as the loss of a relationship with a certain person. But in practice, physical separation does not always mean the loss of relationships, and living together does not at all guarantee spiritual unity. Parting is a painful process if a person is dear to you, if some important period of your life is closely connected with him. Parting with loved ones (spouses), children, relatives are considered the most painful. Parting with close friends can also hurt.

Parting can be complete when contacts are terminated in any form by the decision of the parties or one of the participants in the situation. Parting is considered incomplete, after which people maintain certain relationships - they communicate on the issues of raising children, at work, have common affairs, have the intention to restore relations. Parting is also called incomplete in psychology, in which one of the parties refuses to accept reality as it is, time passes, and the stage of acceptance does not occur. This is a difficult case that requires necessarily the help of a psychiatrist and psychotherapist.

Parting gives a great life experience, painful, but sometimes necessary. In any case, a lot of useful things can be learned from it: after parting, value systems change, a person begins to better understand the intricacies of his own character, knows better what he needs further from future relationships. If people break up in a temper, without considering the decision, then they have a chance to improve their relationship by drawing conclusions after reconciliation.

Causes

It is important to understand that the events themselves and the reasons that led to them are different things. If a couple formally breaks up due to the betrayal of one of the partners, then there can be any reason, but not the betrayal itself. Boredom and routine in relationships, the lack of productive interaction with a partner in a variety of areas could push a cheater to adultery. An event that is formulated as a scandal is not the reason for the breakup, but only an excuse, since the true reason, again, can lie in anything else. Let's look at what reasons most often lead to the collapse of relationships with both spouses and children, parents, friends.

Lack of trust

This reason is very insidious. Trust is the basis of any relationship; without it, friendship or a love affair is impossible. It disappears gradually, sometimes even imperceptibly, little by little. People tend to give loved ones a "second chance", to justify them internally, but only for the time being, as long as there is trust. Once it disappears, the relationship cannot continue. Jealousy, especially its pathological forms, deceit (if it is frequent) can lead to a loss of trust. Even deceit in small things gradually develops into a “big snowball”, which, one not the most beautiful day, picks up speed and falls on the head of the deceiver with all its might, leaving practically no chance to save the relationship.

Priority difference

In the people it is called "did not agree on the characters." People set themselves different, and sometimes polar goals, and do not want to help each other in achieving these goals. If the husband is saving up for a new car, and the wife believes that an apartment is needed first of all, then scandals cannot be avoided. If the mother insists that her son enter a university, and he joins the army of his own free will, then again, everything can end in separation if one of the parties does not agree to accept the priorities of the other.

Priorities can also be intangible: for one it is important to grow professionally and spiritually, to study, to increase one’s value as a specialist, and the other believes that the partner is just wasting time, receiving another diploma, thereby belittling the achievements of the first. Parting for this reason may well be temporary, and if people reach a compromise or learn to give in, then the relationship can be saved.

Violence and manipulation

Violence is not only physical, but also psychological. Under plausible pretexts (“I love”, “I worry about you”), one partner can introduce total control over the second - check where and when he leaves, where he happens to be, who calls him. Psychological violence is insults, reproaches and disrespect, these are direct or indirect prohibitions on maintaining relationships with friends and relatives, restrictions, constant showdowns.

The victim of psychological abuse and manipulation is usually afraid of doing something wrong, making any everyday decision without the knowledge of the partner, if a strong emotional dependence on the tyrant is added to this, then the situation becomes completely unbearable. Often children are manipulated by parents or parents by children, spouses and even friends may face manipulation attempts from each other. Parting in this case is the most correct, and sometimes the only possible way out. Having begun once, neither physical nor psychological violence usually stops, but only progresses, acquiring more and more sophisticated forms.

The collapse of hopes and expectations

Everyone, starting a relationship with someone, hopes and expects something good that this relationship will bring to him. Often these expectations are not met. It is difficult to see a future tyrant or miser in a nice young man; it is difficult to see a future cruel and unfair scoundrel in a growing son. When a person encounters some manifestations and actions on the part of another that did not fit into the picture of his expectations, he experiences strong disappointment, fear, and resentment.

If we understand that we build our own hopes and expectations, and no one is obliged to meet them, parting for this reason can be avoided. Another option is to give up expectations and accept a person as he is with all his shortcomings and virtues, but not everyone succeeds in this. Separation, if it happened, can be reversible. But only after one of the parties realizes the wrongness of the very fact of putting forward any of their own expectations and hopes to the other, and the other will do everything possible to correct what does not suit the partner so much.

Dependencies

We are talking about alcohol, drug addiction, gambling, etc. Usually, at the very beginning of the problem, the partner is trying his best to help the other get rid of the bad habit. But there are promises to quit, but in most cases there are no real actions, and therefore the loss of trust comes into force, later the collapse of hopes and expectations, and then all other reasons. In families where the partner drinks, takes psychotropic drugs, both violence and manipulation are widespread, and there is definitely a difference in priorities (unless, of course, not all family members drink together).

Parting in this case will be saving for a healthy partner. For the second, suffering from addiction, this will be a chance once and for all to rethink values and get rid of the habit. If he doesn't, it will be his choice. He has every right to it, but you can’t stay nearby - it’s dangerous.

Routine and boredom

This is the reason that often destroys marriages "with experience". Sensations and feelings dull over time, and this is natural and normal. If they are not replaced by common interests, hobbies, common priorities and goals, then there is a possibility that partners will simply get tired of communicating with each other. Loss of interest, attraction can become the basis for adultery, for leaving the family. Relationships deteriorate rapidly and may well become complicated over time for any of the reasons listed above - from the alcoholism of a bored partner to domestic violence and the collapse of all expectations.

Domestic and financial problems

Financial disputes regarding how and how much to earn, where and to whom to spend, are a fairly common reason for parting. In this reason, several factors are combined at once: this is the difference in priorities, and possible manipulations. But such partings, if desired, can be canceled, made reversible. It is enough to clarify all the misunderstandings and develop a new financial strategy in a relationship that would suit both. The majority of domestic issues are solved in the same way. If people break up because of this forever, then with a high degree of probability it was not this problem that came out on top for them, but any of the above. Money and fried potatoes were just the last straw in the cup of patience.

Among the reasons for parting, one can list many different prerequisites - both sexual dissatisfaction with a partner, and the infantilism of one of the participants in a situation where a person cannot and does not know how, and most importantly, does not want to make any decisions at all. But if you reduce everything, as in mathematics, to a simple equation, then you can easily understand that at the heart of any separation is resentment, which consists of the collapse of hopes and expectations, anger, anger and fear of the future.

It is this feeling that destroys marriages, separates parents and children to different continents, makes friends completely stop communicating with those who until recently were close and understandable. Please note that it is resentment that underlies the divorce due to “they didn’t get along”, it is it that accompanies financial and domestic troubles, the difference in priorities, resentment towards the world and oneself lead to alcoholism and escape into drug oblivion.

By learning to forgive and not be offended, people can protect their relationships, whether it be family, parents, or a circle of close friends.

Varieties

Breakups are many. People who have made such a decision may never see each other or may see each other every day, they may forget that they had some kind of relationship, or remember this and experience emotional attachment for a very long time. Psychologists distinguish several types of parting.

Constructive rupture of relations- the reasons are irremovable, correction is impossible. Partners have enough will and reason to decide to get rid of such meaningless relationships and become free and ultimately happy, but separately. In such cases, parting is not too painful, although it is possible that experiences will still take place. But after parting, people's relationships are even, calm, positive, they do not cripple either their souls or the soul of the child, if any. Relationships are built on mutual respect, regardless of whether they were terminated at the initiative of a man or a woman. People look at their joint past without resentment.

Unfinished Gestalt- there are good reasons for parting, but there is no strength to do this, coming up with reasons to stay together (children grow up, there is a mortgage, etc.). It is in such couples that cheating often happens, children grow up in an atmosphere of chronic destructive lies. Both spouses admit that their relationship has not been the same for a long time, there is no passion, no sex, no trust, no relationship. But they are afraid to change.

Traumatic breakup- the accepted and embodied decision to leave forever. It is fraught with the accumulation of a huge burden of resentment, although sometimes it can be constructive. Usually one of the partners is not ready to let go of the other, and it is in such situations that the most difficult emotional upheavals and experiences take place.

Postponed breakup- a proposal to part for a while in order to gather their thoughts and make a decision that can go into any of the listed types of parting. It is not perceived as painful as traumatic, but only until the moment when a permanent decision is made.

Pseudo parting- a specially created situation in which the partner who has become the initiator does not really want a true separation, he manipulates, trying to achieve something of his own, some specific goal. If a person allegedly broke up, this gives him the illusion of freedom, the opportunity to suffer in plenty (there are people who need experiences to revive their fading relationships and dispel boredom). Sometimes such false breakups become habitual, and the manipulator ceases to achieve the goal. Often, when the patience of the second partner bursts or the manipulator decides that the resources of the relationship are exhausted for him personally, the next gap becomes true and the last.

Psychological stages of experience

The experience of parting occurs according to the psychological laws of loss (stages of grief). The sequence of stages of emotional change is usually clear and always one stage follows another. For both men and women, the sequence is exactly the same, but there are nuances due to the gender characteristics of the psyche. In order to survive a breakup and not become a patient in a psychiatric hospital, in order to quickly cope with your emotions, it is important to go through all the stages without missing a single one.

“I don’t believe” - the stage of denying reality

The very first reaction to loss. A person does not feel pain, because until he simply does not believe in what is happening, does not understand what is happening at all, does not allow thoughts about it to reach his consciousness. The psyche turns on the mechanism of denial when it encounters something unfamiliar and frightening. Denial protects the psyche from a traumatic abrupt impact, partially anesthetizes the processes that begin to occur in the soul. Denial has different forms - from the insistent assertion that everything, as before, just had temporary difficulties, to the depreciation of the loss - "this is where everything went, this was to be expected."

Pain, anger, resentment, malice

The anesthetic effect of denial wears off, bewilderment is replaced by anger – “how could he do that?” There is resentment, shame, shame, strong anxiety. Emotions are running high, and a person can equally direct his anger both at the initiator of the breakup and at his own person.

The stage of seeking salvation and hope

Anger has already been experienced, it is practically non-existent and, perhaps, a person has already found his first explanations for what happened, although he is still very far from a full introspection and analysis of the situation. Immediately after anger, pain becomes stronger, and therefore there is a completely natural desire to get rid of it. The first thing that comes to mind is to restore the relationship. Here the suffering side becomes obsessed with the idea of returning the beloved, the beloved. Particularly impressionable natures can begin to pursue a partner, write, call, demand, threaten, blackmail, lure with deceitful pretexts, go to fortune-tellers and sorcerers.

Usually, this does not bring any result or causes the opposite effect, and the former partner is further removed from the person, protected and begins to hide. Realizing the futility of his attempts, only yesterday, inspired by a fixed idea, the experiencer moves to a qualitatively new level of experiences.

Stage of depression and stagnation

It depends on the emotional and physical expenditure of strength and energy that the next stage went through, how severe the decline after it can be. Depression sets in, a person is lethargic, lacks energy, a lot of things lose their meaning for him, what used to be a pleasure can annoy or leave indifferent. There are sleep disturbances, appetite. I don't even want to get up and go to work. The pain decreases, sometimes it is already indistinguishable. But the stage is quite dangerous: if you live it incorrectly, then the likelihood of situational depression turning into a chronic mental illness increases. It is at this stage that the largest number of suicides, revenge killings, is committed.

The stage of introspection and analysis of the situation, acceptance

At this stage, personal defeat is acknowledged. An understanding of the true causes and effects comes, it becomes clear where to move on. A person begins to understand that the responsibility for parting lies with both partners, and although regrets may still be present, they no longer cause severe pain. There is an acceptance of the situation in the form in which it occurred. Circumstances are seen clearly, without illusions. The good thing is that the onset of the stage of acceptance indicates that planning for your new life has already begun. There are new plans, goals, landmarks.

Back to life

The end of the process of accepting the loss is indicated by the desire to live, self-esteem grows, an understanding of one's own value, significance appears, a feeling comes that the best is yet to come. The emotional state is characterized as compensated, in other words, the wound from the loss is still there, but it has already healed and now reminds of itself only by the presence of a scar.

Among women

The peculiarities of the female experience of loss lie in the fact that the fair sex is more emotional, and therefore all stages are more vivid for them than for men. At any stage, except for the final ones, there may be streams of tears, words, and even tantrums. But this is the female salvation - due to the ability to release negative emotions, splash them out as they arise, women quickly complete the passage of all stages.

Women rarely lose self-esteem after parting, if it decreases somewhat, then it is restored after the first visit to a beauty salon or fashion store. A woman has friends who can cry at any moment, and there is nothing to be ashamed of. If a woman has a child, then he will not let her get bogged down in depression - he requires care, care, and the performance of certain daily actions.

Women are more dreamy, they enter the stage of returning to life more easily, it is easier for them to imagine a new amazing life for themselves.

The downside of the female experience of parting is that the stage of false hopes and active actions sometimes has to be experienced more difficult. Not to mention how pushy women can be when they start stalking their ex.

In men

The peculiarities of the male psyche are such that parting is much more difficult for the representatives of the stronger sex, because they cannot afford suffering sobbing, many hours of conversation with friends about the act of their beloved, “washing her bones”, and men cry extremely rarely. But in vain. The release of anger and anger, resentment with tears would help men more easily survive the depressive stage. It is on it that a man can seriously and permanently get stuck.

Men try to make sure that no one notices their experiences after parting. They hide them, suppress them, which causes the accumulation of negativity and disruption of the heart, blood vessels and other organs. Psychosomatics suggests that men live less than women precisely because they habitually suppress everything that is sore in themselves.

At the stage of denial and anger, a man can indulge in all serious - alcohol, casual sexual relationships. Only at the stage of acceptance, he will understand that this does not bring significant relief, and sometimes even aggravates the condition. Men are sensitive to their self-esteem. An abandoned man is like a wounded lion. At first he will lick his wounds and dream of revenge, and then he will begin to blame himself for not being able to reign, for losing. This can leave a significant imprint on the nature of his future relationship - the more a man is hurt, the more likely he is to transfer some of the resentment, suspicion and distrust into his next relationship with women.

How to quickly get over a breakup?

Those who dream of quickly coping with their feelings after breaking up with a loved one will be disappointed - this process does not happen quickly. It all depends on the temperament, circumstances and reasons for parting, on the age and life experience of a person, but in general, you need to tune in to experiencing each stage in turn.

If at least one remains unlived, problems and complications may arise on the next.

The right attitude is a patient attitude. No stage lasts indefinitely, and understanding this helps to bear the loss with a measure of philosophical calm. This share will be small, but very important. Psychologists advise not to try to fight your condition, this will only lead to the suppression and accumulation of negativity, you should try to accept each stage as inevitable. The most difficult cases are parting during a woman's pregnancy, just before the wedding, betrayal and betrayal. But they can also be experienced and put up with the least losses if you follow the advice of psychologists.

With girl

It is important for a man to remember that his task at any stage of parting is to maintain his dignity. It depends on what his male self-esteem will be after getting out of a difficult situation. It is impossible to blackmail, threaten, stoop to insults and assault, revenge, to everything that lowers and belittles men not only in the eyes of women, but also in their own eyes. You should not drink or try to quickly find another woman - attempts to artificially fill the inner emptiness are usually doomed to a fiasco and an unpleasant aftertaste for many years.

After the aggression and anger pass, you can try to talk to the former, find out what her future plans are, perhaps she, like you, is worried and regrets the breakup and wants to renew the relationship. If not, don't despair. Get busy with work and all-round development - read, meet friends, go fishing, watch interesting films, sort out a car engine - there are probably a lot of things that you put off for later. It's time to take care of them. This will help you get through difficult times easier.

With a guy

A woman definitely needs "helpers" - someone must listen, support. But there is no need to feel sorry for yourself. No matter how much you want to sympathize with yourself, you should go the other way - learn to control and analyze your emotions, distinguish love for the former from the fear of being alone, becoming a laughing stock. It is important to learn from the heart, to sincerely forgive.

While the stages of recovery after the loss are going on, a woman needs motivation - in order to work, study, take care of herself. The best motivation is to understand that true happiness can lie in wait at any moment, anywhere. Will it be possible if you hide from the world, close yourself from communication, walk around crying? It is easier to put up with those who do not lose their dignity - no matter how painful it is, do not stoop to revenge, rumors, gossip, blackmail (including children). When it becomes easier, such actions can be painfully ashamed.

With friends

Longtime friends, who have a lot to do, experience a breakup quite painfully, but not in the same way as lovers. Ideally, it is best to wait for time, talk frankly with a friend and still eliminate disagreements. But if this is not possible, it is best to try to forgive a friend if he offended you, ask for forgiveness from him and leave. Perhaps, further you still have different paths.

How to deal with depression?

With depression, if it dragged on for more than two weeks, it is important to cope not alone, but with helpers - relatives, friends, a psychologist or a psychotherapist. With the wrong approach, it can become chronic. It is important to set goals and goals for yourself every hour, every day. The less time spent savoring all the unpleasant thoughts, the less severe the depression will be.

After a long relationship, you won’t be able to forget the pain right away, the pain should go away on its own. Compare your condition with a wound or the flu - even if you really want to get rid of the disease, you won’t be able to do it ahead of schedule, the disease will recede when the body completely copes with the virus or the wound heals. It's the same with emotional wounds.

But you can alleviate the disease by taking painkillers, in the case of depression after a breakup, such a pill will be a constant intense activity - at home, at work, social, helping relatives and friends.

How to save a relationship?

Knowing the reasons why breakups most often occur will help to save existing relationships. Look at them again and note for yourself that for the success of a relationship it is important that there is trust in them, that there is no violence and repression, that people, in addition to love, have common interests and hobbies. Passion will one day pass, but common interests will remain and help you overcome all difficulties together. It is important to reckon with the opinion of a partner, but not to forget about your own life. The sacrifices are inappropriate.

The well-known psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky recommends experiencing parting with your head held high, forbidding yourself even to think that you have been abandoned or betrayed. Such thoughts do not add self-confidence and positive thinking. He also makes the following recommendations.

Don't get lost in another, remember about yourself - if a partner left you, with a high degree of probability he has already stopped loving you, then why should you suffer and suffer, dream of returning relationships? Relationships with unloved people are usually not the warmest.
All couples experience difficulties in life., as well as quarrels and misunderstandings, but only those that were initially weak and insolvent, flawed, if you like, disintegrate. Therefore, what happened should be regarded from the position that everything happened in fairness and right - both of you have long deserved happiness. Together it is impossible.

Don't rush, give yourself time- It takes about a year on average to get rid of the stress caused by separation. For some this process is longer, for others it is faster. But everyone, without exception, goes through it, no one has ever remained in the stages of experiencing loss forever.
Don't blame yourself for anything. It's not your fault what happened. And it's not the partner's fault either. It just happened, it just happened. Accept this and look at the relationship with respect and gratitude (it was good too!), And look at yourself with sincere love. You are beautiful, amazing, unique. And someone is now looking in the big wide world not even for such a person as you, but for you.

Mikhail Labkovsky argues that it is only your choice to wallow in suffering and self-criticism or continue to live a full life filled with love, friendship, and joy. It is not your partner that drives you into depression, but you yourself decide to be in it. If you take responsibility for what is happening to you, then it will be much easier to survive the loss and stress.

In fact, the breakup is not a short dramatic episode with blouses and CDs, suitable for melodramatic films. The parting begins long before the suitcase appears in the frame.

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At the words “she left him”, “he left her”, a typical picture immediately appears before my eyes. With trembling hands, she throws blouses into the suitcase, saying: “No, this is no longer possible.” Or he, stern and disappointed, loads boxes of DVDs into the car and slams the trunk with the words: “Well, that's enough for me.”

In fact, parting is not a short episode with blouses and CDs, suitable for melodramatic films. The parting begins long before the suitcase and the announcement of the dissolution of the marriage appear in the frame. And, by the way, this process does not end with a break, a maiden name and a fire from photo albums.

Why twist the word “separation” this way and that, if people disagreed and will continue to disperse, if only in Russia 65% of official unions break up every year - not to mention civil ones? What will change if we understand that the separation is extended in time and we leave each other not at the moment of the “last conversation”, but gradually? Why is it important to realize that parting is not a one-man decision, but the brainchild of both?

Because:

There will be an understanding: the abandoned partner was not just suddenly and insultingly confronted with the fact of the final - no, he was a participant in the entire process and, if desired, could influence it.

Between the heroes of the love drama, the balance of responsibility will be restored, which is an unpleasant and difficult thing so much that everyone strives to shove it onto the shoulders of a partner, accusing and blaming.

The abandoned partner will no longer feel like a victim of circumstances and deceit, will regain control over his life and become a full-fledged actor in the drama, and not a helpless creature that suffers from the evil will of the protagonist.

Plus, the initiator of the gap will get incentive prizes:

He will be spared the role of a monster that destroyed the life of a once loved one.

He will not need to justify himself and whitewash himself (which happens, as a rule, by denigrating the former partner).

First stage

This is a time of disappointment in a partner and resentment for family life, which did not live up to expectations, did not satisfy, did not make happy like in a fairy tale.

At the first stage of alienation, men are characterized by the following behavior:

He ceases to care about the woman, or his concern looks like an established scheme once and for all.
He makes no attempt to please her.
He stops giving her emotional support.
He dismisses the complaints and bitter feelings of a woman as unfounded.
He does not reinforce the woman's confidence that he loves her.

The woman behaves like this:

She fixates on its shortcomings and irritably tries to make any improvements.
She ceases to feel appreciation for what he does for her.
She does not approve of his behavior, his actions, doubts their expediency.
She misses his company and tries to spend time with her friends.
She is much more silent than usual.

Both men and women show surprising unanimity that less and less attention is paid to marital sex.

Second phase

Such changes (with a certain skill) can be ignored for a long, long time, convincing yourself that you do not need to put sex at the forefront. Moreover, many couples live in such conditions for years, testing each other's patience. But in one of the partners, the heat deficit accumulates faster, and the separation turns into stage number two.

General signs:

Sex is increasingly ignored by both partners - up to the complete disappearance and naming it with the word "nonsense". Kisses on the lips and other tender places also go into the category of nonsense.
More and more time one of the spouses strives to spend separately: any pretexts are suitable for this - from negotiations to classmates who come from nowhere, tired without communication.
Your sleep-wake-play-eating schedules are strangely out of sync.
The future initiator of the breakup forbids the partner to touch his cell phone, citing the need for personal space.
One of the spouses begins to linger on the net, and when the second half approaches, all open windows are immediately minimized.

Women:

At this stage, the woman cries a lot, but does not report the reasons.
A number of women begin to drink more often and more than usual.
A woman begins to be annoyed by her partner's everyday habits: some cannot watch how the once beloved man eats, others how he shaves.

Men:

Men have sudden and frequent outbursts of anger.
A man can behave defiantly, but avoids clarifying the relationship.
A man begins to find fault with a woman, often disputes over household trifles develop into violent scandals.

Third stage

Then a period of acute emotional and physical starvation begins in the relationship, which ends with a break in relations, the search for new partners, curses, separation and depression.

Divorce statistics show that in 60% of cases, the initiator of the divorce is the wife. There are several reasons for this:

Role overload in the family and at work leads to the fact that a woman boldly takes responsibility in order to resolve her crippling situation.
A feature of female psychology is that "women usually stop sexual relations with a man they no longer love, and establish a strict boundary between the old love and the new one."
A man in every possible way pushes a woman to ensure that she becomes the initiator of the break.

Caution: Man from Point #3

The man from point No. 3 will harass his former beloved in the most savage ways: be rude, lie, disappear, sometimes - repent, reproach, change - but he will not take a decisive step, relying on the woman's initiative. What drives them?

Motive one. It's strange, but the man from number 3 is a conservative. He does not want to change anything, but the existing order of things is unbearable for him.

Motive two. Due to chronic infantilism, he cannot take responsibility, cannot figure out his desires and will rush about until the woman puts an end to this.

Motive three. The most touching and quite popular. A man does not want to humiliate and offend a woman by the fact that he no longer loves her, and prefers to bring her to such a state that she leaves herself. It is hard to believe in such mercy, but it exists.

Fourth stage

If, at the moment of an acute crisis, both men and women behave according to their individual

psychological characteristics, then the state that occurs after a divorce can already be reduced to some numbers.

For women, the first year after separation is especially difficult. Every fourth woman turns to a psychologist for help, about 50% suffer from depression.

Men also experience a feeling of depression, disappointment, loneliness, abuse alcohol, note a decrease in interest in sex and in professional activities - these symptoms intensify by the middle of the second year and are called the “seventeenth month syndrome”.

Total...

Until we are aware of what is happening, we see nothing and are not responsible for anything. So far, we can not worry about anything, but this peace of mind is borrowed from the future, and at extortionate interest.

However, what happens is what needs to happen. And the less we realized the seriousness of the problem, the more unexpected it would be for us.

The saddest thing is that an unexpected break will interfere with further relationships: it will make us shy and weak. Last time, “somehow it happened” that we were deceived, abandoned, insulted. How and why this happened is unclear to us. So where is the guarantee that this time they will not be deceived?

If you turn on awareness in the early stages of the gap (at the stage of “distance”), this does not mean that the situation will improve overnight. But the main thing will happen - you will tell everyone - yourself, her, him, circumstances: “Hey, I am too! Haven't forgotten about me? I have my desires, fears, hopes, doubts. Let's take me into account, ask me, listen to me and try to understand.

And then anything can happen. And a painful break as well. But it will be a fact of your biography, a stage in your life, after which you can move on, and not sit and painfully rack your brains: “How could this happen?”.

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Life is undoubtedly a beautiful and amazing thing and an excellent school for educating and changing yourself. But no matter what the adherents of positive thinking say, the lessons in this school are sometimes very difficult. It is difficult to find a woman who has not come into contact with losses and pain along her life path. One of the most powerful experiences is parting with a loved one. Whatever the situation, we all, each with its own speed and nuances, go through certain stages, experiencing a gap.

Stage one: "no"

The final point has been set: this man is no longer in your life. We are experiencing a state of tremendous stress, and the brain cannot yet digest the information received. Man is essentially a very conservative being - especially for women who strive for stability more than men. And even if the relationship has long cracked, many until the last moment do not realize that the end may one day come. Joint goals and plans, hopes, dreams, memories - all this is very expensive and cannot disappear from our consciousness all at once. We find ourselves in a stupor and full of thoughts like “no, this cannot be, this is some kind of mistake, this cannot happen to me.” In terms of the strength of the effect, what we feel at this moment is similar to a sudden and very sharp turn on the highway or a blow to the head. And then comes the most interesting: comes the realization of what is happening with all the consequences.

To support yourself during this stage, feel free to ask for help and share your feelings. During the period of denial, I really want to find a lot of evidence that what happened is just a mistake, a “failure in the matrix”. Sometimes these attempts turn into such huge castles in the air that the loss of these new illusions becomes a source of new pain. It is important to speak out, to share with people who understand you. And it is much easier, along with this support, not to drown in illusions and start accepting what happened in reality.

Stage two: anger

What do we do when faced with something that brings pain? First of all, we try to get rid of this source of pain. And at the moment when the prospects for a bright joint old age suddenly suddenly cease to exist, this pain is oh so multifaceted and strong. All grievances are remembered, they are joined by unlived stories from the distant past and disappointments from the near in these relations. At this stage, emotions are overflowing, and we are literally shaken from side to side. The range of thoughts and experiences that arise is simply incredible. Then tears and anger about the fact that the world is so unfair and took away something very expensive. That is hatred for a still loved one. That is fear and, again, anger due to the fact that life “without him” is absolutely not possible. All these experiences are accompanied by a significant release of energy. On this wave, I really want to change something as soon as possible, convey, prove or punish with equivalent pain. The situation is aggravated by a huge number of fears and anxieties, which sometimes makes it difficult to choose the best options for action. During this period, we tend to do many things in the heat of the moment and further aggravate our own situation.

At this time, it is important not to lock your emotions inside yourself, as well as not to give pain and fear to deprive yourself of the remnants of reason. Use all possible, but safe ways to let them out of yourself. To help here, and all sorts of psychological techniques, which are a dime a dozen in the public domain. Fortunately, emotional outbursts, even at this acute stage, still go through their peaks and troughs. This means that they can be tracked down like tides of waves and have time to “catch”, that is, to be able to live through this pain a little easier. If a moment of crisis comes, then it makes sense to bring your feelings into some kind of action: scream, beat a pillow, play samurai who smashes his enemy, etc. It helps many to set internal alarm clocks for themselves. Feeling the approach of another “wave”, you decide to completely surrender to your grief, anger and pain, but only, for example, for half an hour. It is very important to understand that the feelings experienced are a normal human reaction to what is happening. And it is important to find a way to live them without harming yourself and those around you.

Stage three: attempts to "fix"

After the sharp emotions have subsided a little, we make some kind of internal decision about what we will do next. Most often, this is an express analysis of everything that happened in a relationship, and no less urgent attempts to correct mistakes. A completely insignificant "flaw" is declared the true cause of the gap. And immediately attempts begin to return everything to its place, correcting the "cause". So someone starts attacking the former half with tearful talk and messages that they will do whatever they want to please them. Someone suggests getting by with a temporary break in the relationship and looking for a compromise in order to become a couple again. Someone chooses the winding road of "friendship with the former" in the hope of one day cunningly and unobtrusively conveying to him that happiness is possible with only one woman. Simply put, we trade. We bargain with ourselves, with God, with a man. We are looking for options to ease our pain, to make the resulting hole inside a little smaller in size and a little less sore. We want hope and do not want to accept the fact that the past cannot be returned. Although deep down we still understand that we will have to accept the fact of the breakup, let go of the past and somehow build our life anew. It also happens that the gap turned out to be a mistake, and people converge again. But this is also a new relationship.

With some part of our gut, we have already accepted what happened. But there are connections, attachments and memories that again and again return to trying to find a way to glue the broken vessel together. After all, let it be broken, but it is already its own, native, familiar. At this stage, it is important to prioritize. And in this system of priorities, no matter how difficult it is, you and your life come first. The search for mistakes and "flaws" from this perspective no longer turns into a desperate attempt to collect the pieces of the past, but becomes an opportunity to further build your life with some new understanding. Look for something that helps you cope with obsessive thoughts, start filling your life with things that give you at least a modicum of joy. Of course, we are not talking about alcohol and other pseudo-stimulants - such experiments do not end very well. If you want to start another conversation, find another “way out”, then you can, for example, agree with yourself and, like Scarlett O’Hara, “think about it tomorrow” or at least postpone a new attempt to write SMS for a while.

Stage four: "vegetable"

In scientific language, this period is called the time of depression and apathy. We spent a lot of energy to understand the situation, fight it, try to change it. Most likely, nothing worked - and here comes the void. Emptiness inside, emptiness in desires and aspirations. I do not want anything, and life seems meaningless. However, everything seems pointless. Someone sits all day with ice cream in their hands in front of the TV. Someone can just lie down all day long. Someone half asleep and on the machine continues to do work and household chores. The pain from what happened can become literally a physical sensation for a while. Memories, shattered hopes, it all keeps coming up, bringing tears and other emotions. But the period of depression is characterized by the fact that there is simply no strength for great achievements and attacks of aggression and resentment. At this stage, it will not be superfluous to turn to a psychologist in order to be able to live it with the least losses.

Stage five: "acceptance"

In general, life goes on. And while you are alive, you can change a lot. Under this cheerful slogan, you will have to collect the remnants of your will and, like Baron Munchausen, begin the process of pulling yourself out of the swamp. Any methods will do: creativity, friends, walks, animals, yoga and breathing techniques. Through “I don’t want” and “I can’t” - gradually fill my days with what gives joy and energy, move every day at least one step forward in life.

And then one day, when, perhaps, we have already stopped waiting, we suddenly wake up in the last stage - acceptance. The birds sing somehow more pleasantly outside the window, the sun shines a little brighter and somehow it suddenly becomes easy on the soul. There comes a deep understanding that life goes on. Past memories no longer bring the same pain, inside, perhaps, gratitude is even born to the world for the experience and shake-up provided - because it brought new wisdom and strength. And something new always comes to replace the old, as the experience of many shows - this new is usually not much, but better than what is gone.

Yesterday you were a couple and could not imagine life without each other, and today each of you meets the dawn in an empty room with one single question: “How to live now?” You can measure the ceiling with an empty look, shed tears for the lost and run away from yourself for an infinitely long time, but time heals.

True, a cure occurs only if the process of parting with a loved one went correctly and in stages. Today, on the site Koshechka.ru, we’ll talk about what stages of separation women and men go through.

What's in the article:

What is a breakup?

From the point of view of psychology, parting is the loss of a relationship when they can no longer develop further for one reason or another. The gap can be unexpected or deliberate, when the relationship has reached an impasse and it simply does not make sense to continue it. One way or another, parting with a loved one borders on the concept of "life cut short", and this is due to the absence at this stage of any positive thoughts in your head.

Breaking up a relationship is a systematic process that has its own stages. Only after going through them all can you return to normal life again. If you get stuck at any stage partingor live it wrong, you can suffer for a very long time, because until the stage is passed, it is impossibleatstep to the next.

Let's list on the site the 6 main stages of parting through which men and women go through:

Stage of denial of what is happening.
The stage of expression or oppression of feelings.
The stage of bargaining or attempts to "glue" the relationship.
Stage of apathy to everything that happens.
The stage of accepting the situation and humility.
The stage of a second wind or a new page in life.

Depending on the complexity of the situation and the intensity of emotions, each of us is experiencing this difficult moment in life with its own speed and characteristics. The main thing is not to let yourself go in cycles at any particular stage and look for all the ways out of this situation.

Stage 1 - Denial of what is happening

The first phrase that spins in my head after the words: “I don’t love you anymore!” or “We need to break up”, “This is not happening to me.” Consciousness refuses to accept the circumstances and includes a defensive reaction, which is expressed in the denial of what is happening. It was as if a person had been doused with a bucket of ice water or hit hard on the head with something heavy. The soul screams “Nooo!”, and stress makes a person curl up. Joint plans for life, common interests, memories and dreams - all this collapsed! The bouquet of feelings after parting has not yet had time to open up and the only thing that lives in the heart at this stage is the unbearability of the very notion that this person will no longer be around. Fear, misunderstanding and severe anxiety are the main experiences of men and women after parting.

If everything was already going to break, and you had time to get used to the idea that sooner or later you will have to disperse, then the effect of devaluing the significance of the loss occurs. In this case, there is no strong shock and feelings, but feelings seem to be frozen: the heart should scream in pain and grief, but it simply does not care.

At this stage, it is important not to go completely into yourself, but to ask for help and support from relatives, otherwise you can get out of this stage of separation, especially for women, from several months to several years.

Stage 2 - Expression or suppression of feelings

As soon as the realization of what is happening comes, a wave of real feelings will flood. Everything can mix here: pain, anger, hatred, guilt, jealousy. We get angry at our loved ones for making us go through a breakup, for not leaving a single chance to correct the situation. In a state of panic, we begin to look for the culprit: and often we find it in our own face. The woman is tormented with the question: “Why didn’t I keep him?”, And the man tries to take revenge or showers his former lover with threats.

Now it is important not to go too far: get angry, but in moderation and without the use of physical force. Not only your partner, but also the people around you can suffer from your emotions. Usually women in such a situation beat the dishes or tear paper, defiantly throw things out of the window of their beloved. A man can throw a phone or something heavier at the wall in anger.

Stage 3 - Bargaining or attempts to "glue" the relationship

The first two stages of parting in women and men simultaneously contain this stage - constant attempts to return everything back.

After the ardent passions have subsided, there is some calm and a more or less conscious analysis of the situation takes place. As soon as the reason for the gap is clarified, the stage of bidding and swings, tearful telephone conversations and SMS battles with pleas for forgiveness begins. We are looking for loopholes and any approaches to the heart of the beloved in order to somehow reduce the size of the wound in the heart. Hope at this stage is the only thing that allows us to continue to live on. After all, all the brightest and most wonderful things are left behind, and in front there is only darkness and hopelessness from the situation.

Sometimes attempts to get together really end in success, but these relationships are already new. If you don’t approach your beloved, you need to let go of the situation and start a new life without him.

Stage 4 - Apathy for everything that happens

This stage allows us to understand what it means to be a vegetable: insensitive and going with the flow of life. The brain and heart are tired of fighting and, finally, the realization has come that the past cannot be returned, and life still goes on. It is useless to look for the guilty if this does not return the loved one anyway.

There is a void in the heart. Someone lies all day long, buried in the ceiling, someone sits for hours at the TV, and someone looks at joint photos with tears. Sometimes apathy reaches a point where there is no strength left for anything, and only a psychologist can help to cope with experiences. Usually by this time a person is already exhausted so much that a gradual normalization of the psyche occurs: resentment passes, the pain dulls, consciousness returns.

At this stage of parting, it is important to cry and remember all the good things - this is necessary for the transition to the next state.

Stage 5 - Acceptance and Humility

The time of "shaking and clouding" has passed, life begins to slowly return to its previous course. Memories are still alive in memory, but this no longer prevents us from going about our daily activities. What happened makes us draw conclusions, and fear of a new relationship settles in the heart for a long time.

Having gathered all the will into a fist, women begin to take care of themselves: again in the hands of a cosmetic bag, a schedule of affairs for two weeks in advance, a cup of coffee for breakfast, fitness on weekends, meetings with girlfriends in a cafe. Men silently try to find a balance and also take not a glass of cognac or vodka, but drive their favorite car and go to solve their daily male problems.

Stage 6 - Second wind or a new page in life

Life is gradually filled with new events and acquaintances, the sun again looks into an empty room, and food regains its taste. We understand that life has taught us a cruel lesson, but we are grateful to her for this shake-up.

A person after parting, as if after receiving an electric shock, learns to live again. Strength and self-confidence are gradually returning, new plans and prospects appear ahead. The last stage is characterized by complete acceptance of what happened: if we broke up, then we did not fit together.

How do women cope with a breakup?

The stages of parting in the female half of humanity are accompanied by pronounced emotionality and duration. A feature of female psychology is the duration of the depressive state in this situation. Sometimes a woman can be in a state of apathy for several years.

Having lost confidence in themselves and their beauty, women often try to survive the breakup of relationships under the guise of a successful and independent “woman”. From the point of view of psychology, this is the most successful move - so a woman can get used to the presented image and it is easier to go through all the stages of experiencing parting.

How do men cope with a breakup?

Oddly enough, but men perceive the process of parting much closer to their hearts than women. Outwardly, they will not show weakness, with their heads held high and their eyes dry, they will accumulate rage and anger inside themselves until it all pours out in the form of:

Drinking alcoholic beverages to numb mental pain.
Doing sports to the point of complete exhaustion.
Chaotic changes of partners in bed.

According to psychology, men are less resistant to this kind of negativity, and this is due to a higher susceptibility to what is happening.

Remember, men and women have different views on relationships between themselves. Only the pursuit of the same goal can save the union from parting: partners for the sake of a common goal will be ready for any compromises.

The article has been reviewed and approved by a psychologist. Gryzlova Olga Yurievna, special psychologist, 15 years of experience. .