My 18 year old son went to live with his father. The son went to his father. What to do? Son went to live with ex-husband

Son went to live with ex-husband

The situation is complicated and I understand what conflicting feelings you may have: guilt that it is not easy for you to change your lifestyle with the possible relocation of the child, pity for your son, anger at your ex-spouse and a lack of understanding of what to do next...

• Unfortunately, there is no information about how old the child is. He stated then and now that he would live with his father, but his actions (the desire to spend the night with you) indicate otherwise. One gets the impression that the child is either intimidated by the father and is afraid to openly express his desire to live with you, or he is afraid that you may reject him. What was your relationship with your child before the divorce? Did he go to live with his father of his own free will, or was he forced by his father? So far, too, is not entirely clear.


• In fact, while the child lives with his father. In this case, the attitude of the husband to alimony is understandable. The husband is not determined to pay child support while the child says he will live with him. I also understand your logic that you are also investing in your child and would like additional help from the father.

"this despite the fact that I, I repeat, have already become accustomed to living on my own and morally accepting the situation that the child may live with me, it is not easy for me." - It seems to me that you have not yet determined for yourself whether you want to, are ready to live with a child. Many women do not receive alimony, but at the same time they do not imagine that the children live with their father. Yes, your son has changed, acquired habits that repel you. And it seems to me that you are subconsciously waiting for a decision from your husband, so as not to make a difficult decision yourself. Maybe it's the guilt that gets in the way. This can be discussed in more detail in an individual consultation.

Be prepared that you may not wait for the "decision of an adult man." Think about what kind of relationship with your son would suit you in the current situation? Try to talk to your son, find out how he lives with his father, how does he feel and what would he like? If it seems to you that something is preventing your son from saying his true desire, I recommend contacting child psychologist. With the help of projective methods (play, drawing, modeling, storytelling, depending on the age of the child), you can find out what he really wants and why he cannot communicate it openly.

If you have any questions, please contact.

Reply from 02/06/2014 11:43

Dear Anatoly!

In accordance with Art. 65 RF IC:

Parents exercising parental rights to the detriment of the rights and interests of children are liable in accordance with the procedure established by law.

2. All issues related to the upbringing and education of children are decided by the parents by their mutual agreement, based on the interests of the children and taking into account the opinions of the children. Parents (one of them), if there are disagreements between them, have the right to apply for resolution of these disagreements to the guardianship and guardianship body or to the court.

3. The place of residence of children in case of separation of parents is established by agreement of the parents.

In the absence of an agreement, the dispute between the parents is resolved by the court based on the interests of the children and taking into account the opinions of the children. At the same time, the court takes into account the child's attachment to each of the parents, brothers and sisters, the age of the child, the moral and other personal qualities of the parents, the relationship that exists between each of the parents and the child, the possibility of creating conditions for the child's upbringing and development (type of activity, mode of work of parents financial and marital status of parents, etc.).

At the request of the parents (one of them) in the manner prescribed by the civil procedural legislation, and taking into account the requirements of paragraph two of this paragraph, the court with the mandatory participation of the guardianship and guardianship body has the right to determine the place of residence of children for the period until the entry into force of the court decision on determining their place residence.

4. When exercising parental rights, parents (persons replacing them) have the right to assist them in providing the family with medical, psychological, pedagogical, legal, social assistance.

The conditions and procedure for rendering assistance in the provision of this assistance are determined by law Russian Federation about social services.

According to paragraph 1 of Art. If, in the absence of an agreement on the payment of alimony, after the amount of alimony has been established in a court of law, the financial or marital status of one of the parties has changed, the court has the right, at the request of either party, to change the established amount of alimony or to release the person obliged to pay alimony from paying them. When changing the amount of alimony or when exempting from paying them, the court may also take into account other noteworthy interests of the parties.

Thus, if you want the child to live with you in the future, and your wife does not mind, you can draw up an agreement with her on the place of residence of the child. Further, on the basis of Art. 119 of the RF IC, apply to the court with a claim for exemption from the payment of alimony, attach an agreement to the claim. If the spouse refuses to sign the agreement, file a lawsuit immediately with 2 requirements - about the place of residence and about exemption from paying alimony. The court takes into account all the circumstances of the case and proceeds primarily from the interests of the child.

Sun, 11/09/2011 - 10:45 - Guest

Hello! I am divorced and have a 16 year old son. Good guy: studies well, goes in for sports, vocals. But every day "ruffs and ruffs", lazier and lazier. Understand: transitional age, considers himself an adult and independent. I work (at 2 jobs), leave home in the morning, come back in the evening. During the holidays, the son was left to himself. I tried not to control him much, but I was interested (in general terms) where I was, what I did during the day. As a result, the answer was: “I was in the city, what difference does it make to you where, I didn’t eat at home, but this does not mean that I’m hungry!” I felt offended that my son was talking to me like that, I could not restrain myself, I raised my voice. As a result, he packed his things and went to live with his father. In principle, I don’t mind, my father is not a bad person. He has a second wife, two children: his 8 months old. and adoptive, live at the other end of the city. Of course, I'm very worried. Why did she yell at her son, let her son, practically kicked her out, deprived her of her room, her usual way of life? It's been 3 weeks and he refuses to talk to me. In general, she punished both her son and herself. Tell me, please, what should I do now, how to establish contact. I really want my son to come back.

Sat, 17/09/2011 - 21:29 - Ovchinnikova

The son went to live with his father.

Hello dear guest! I understand your resentment and concern for your son. It seems that you regret now that you shouted at your son and quarreled with him. Does your son know about this regret of yours and that you consider yourself guilty of your quarrel? If he does not know, then he may perceive your attempts to establish contact with him as a desire to control him.
Maybe you should tell your son that you love him, miss him, regret your quarrel and want him to come home. It is not always easy to talk about it, you can write a letter or SMS, the main thing is that you hear and understand each other.
Sincerely, psychotherapist Svetlana Viktorovna Ovchinnikova.

We parted when our son was 1.9 years old and all this time we lived in another family: me, my husband, father-in-law, mother-in-law, my mother. Everyone loved, adored, spoiled the son. He was wonderful child: inquisitive, intelligent, read early, was fond of encyclopedias and so on. I tried to bring up alpha, although I didn’t know about this theory then. But I intuitively felt that it was impossible to ban everything, it was necessary to negotiate. For what she now received from her mother-in-law, that she did not set boundaries for her son, so he grew up an egoist.
With the ex-husband, the son communicated, then did not communicate. When I was little, I saw that the meetings had a bad effect on him, he was very nervous, so the meetings had to be kept to a minimum. Then the husband somehow disappeared for a while (in primary school), then closer to the age of 13, the son appeared again. But all this time he gave his son birthday gifts in the form of expensive devices and not at all for his years (a phone in 1st grade in 2004, when not all adults had them). I have with former relationship disgusting, I left him, I drank because, although he is a good person. We have never seen each other over the past 10 years, he did not take much part in the life of the child. My son called my current husband daddy.
My relationship with my son has always been excellent. recent times- normal, but adolescence I started at the age of 11 and proceeded very hard: problems with communication in the classroom, playing on the computer, various incomprehensible actions, and so on. In general, the son studies well (up to grade 5 is excellent), now he is good and average. Studying is our main stumbling block. It got worse every year. The son started new life and was going to correct his studies, but she interested him less and less. I began to press him, because. Grade 9 exams. But he said that he decided to just change his mind at school until grade 11, and then I will arrange him for my university (I work there). Of course, I have a different opinion on this matter. In principle, there were no such special reasons to take and go to his father, in my opinion.
My son has been rude to me lately, my mother said that it’s generally impossible for him to behave towards me. But somehow everything went as it went. Once again, in response to my son’s rudeness to me, my husband pressed him to the bed and they had a small brawl, without beating the truth. My son’s relationship with his current husband was normal, but there was no special love with his stepfather. They lived, went on vacation together, to the dacha, to their grandmothers, treated when they were sick, celebrated ... in general, everything is like in all families. We rubbed ourselves with my husband for a long time, the characters are complex, the mother-in-law is bad, but we live and we are comfortable and convenient with each other, somehow, it is obvious that we are two halves who have found each other. The second son was born two years ago. The elder son loves his brother very much, they have a very tender relationship. With my father-in-law - also excellent, loving relationships have always been.
So, after the fight (on Sunday), the son got ready on Monday morning, took a swim, packed some things in his backpack, stayed at home for a bit, and then left ... We used to have such moments when we fought with him, alone once he even sat on the stairs for a couple of hours, and then returned. I didn't think he'd be gone for long.
First, I talked to him, explained that everything can be discussed and decided, to find a way out of the situation. But he was adamant, and told his father-in-law (when he tried to return him) that the departure was not spontaneous, that he decided so and would live with his father for the time being.
And now 3 weeks have passed, we do not communicate with our son. I see that he is on Skype, and he sees that I am - but silence. I didn't call because I have a grudge, well, firstly, he called me rudely before a fight with my husband, secondly, it’s somehow unacceptable that he went to the former (although to hell with him), thirdly, it somehow seems to me that this is necessary survive. Those. let him learn to be responsible for his actions, let him be an adult without a mother, since he decided. On the other hand, my heart is out of place, I think about it every minute, I worry .... Grandmothers say to wait, my husband too. He accuses his son that he grew up an egoist and does not consider other people. The father-in-law says to call and try to talk. But I'm not ready to talk yet. Immediately, you need to somehow get out of the situation, so that the son would grow up somehow, look at the world differently.
I am now reading literature about teenagers (Mladik), my brains are slowly falling into place. I won’t go to a psychologist, we’ll drive out ourselves. My son and I visited a psychologist before the birth of the youngest, when my son had problems with classmates. A psychologist helped us then, but now we are somehow on our own.
I understand that it is impossible to solve the problem for a period of 15 and a half years, but at least advice is needed: call first or gain strength and wait? thanks in advance

The result of my post: Thanks to everyone who responded and helped in a difficult situation. I called my son, the next day he came, sat in his room and just sat looking around. He said that it was very hard for him, especially the first two weeks. And I realized that despite the fact that he is almost 16, he is still a child and it was necessary to call earlier. He has not yet returned at all, but it was important for me not to lose contact with him. He asked if I could come over for dinner. I said that this is his house and he should not ask about such things, but just come. I hope that everything will be fine with us. Thanks