How to build a happy relationship?

I work as a sexologist. And often my clients raise relationship issues: how to save a family, how to restore relationships, how to survive a crisis, how to establish contact with a partner, husband, friend, lover. Is there a recipe?

There is a recipe.

I am not one of the psychologists who like to put a shadow on the fence. I love clarity, clarity and order. Any phenomenon and process can be considered as a structure that has its own components and characteristics. This is how relationships can be considered.

So here are the 12 commandments for a happy relationship:

1. I can be happy alone, with you and with others.

The source of happiness is in ourselves. Our joy, our pleasure in life is not connected with anyone or anything. Happiness is our inner nature and our responsibility.

When a woman shifts this responsibility onto her man (“I can only be happy with you, you are my happiness”), she places a very heavy burden on him and at the same time deprives him of his freedom. Her partner falls into the trap of her happiness: if he suddenly believes that her happiness depends on him, he will pick up this unbearably heavy burden of responsibility and lose his freedom. That's it, he can no longer manage himself and his life - after all, a step to the right, a step to the left, and her happiness can sway, a jump in place, her happiness can be shaken. In such a situation, it’s scary, damn it, even to twitch. Deprived of freedom, crushed by a stone of responsibility and guilt due to the inability and inability to carry this responsibility, a man will begin to suffocate in a relationship, he will become hard and stuffy. And an attempt to escape will only be a matter of time.

Take back your responsibility for your happiness and your ability to live and enjoy life. Go alone to the cinema to see an interesting movie and enjoy the movie. You will find that you can have a good time alone) Go to the theater with your man - yes, and you are good with him. Go to the exhibition with other people, friends, buddies - and it turns out that you also feel good with other people. This is great practice. As a result, you will understand that the world does not converge on anyone, that both alone and in the company of him or other people can be very cool, bright, lively, interesting. It is from this point of freedom that happy relationships are built.

1. Talk about love.

If you love your man, tell him about it. If you don't love him, then why are you together? Talk about your love in your own language: “I feel good with you. I was thinking about you. You are the person closest to me. I love you. I feel so warm with you. It's great that we are together. I was looking forward to the evening so that I could meet you sooner.” Speak in your own words, in a way that is close to you - but just speak.

1. Take care.

Give care. In the little things. You can cut off a piece of bread formally with a blunder, or you can cut off a piece of bread with love. Pour a cup of tea with care, tuck in the blanket with care, close the window if it's blowing - these little things in life, filled with your attention, will warm your man. We all miss the warmth.

1. Share joy.

1. Touch.

Tactile contact is very important. Passing by, gently touch with your hand. Telling something enthusiastically, touch your hand. To embrace. Thinking, lean into his shoulder. You don’t need to do anything on purpose, force yourself or torture yourself out of yourself - touch inadvertently, in passing, easily. Just as a warm reminder, “I'm with you. I'm here. I'm near".

1. Show its significance and importance.

If your man plays an important role in your life, tell him about it. If he does not play an important role in your life - why do you need such a small and empty relationship? Talk about its significance in your own language, in your own words: “I want to consult, your opinion is important to me. I want to spend the weekend with you, for me the time spent together is very meaningful. Your words carry a lot of weight for me. You mean a lot to me. I often think about you. You play an important role in my life."

1. Thank.

Taking everything for granted, we close the most important channel for the exchange of warmth and attention. “Thank you for this pleasant evening. Thanks for your words. Thank you for not forgetting what my favorite flowers are. Thanks for the ride. Thank you for your concern." It's so easy to say it. There is no need to express gratitude - a few simple words. These simple words emotionally fuel the relationship.

1. Forgive me. I'm sorry.

These words are the most important channel for the exchange of warmth and attention. “Sorry, I can’t come to dinner today, I have an important meeting - I’m so sorry, I would so like to spend this time with you. I’m sorry I won’t be able to keep you company on Saturday, I already promised my mother that I would come to her and help with the housework – I’m really sorry. I'm sorry I was rude to you yesterday - I was very upset, I'm very sorry that this happened.

1. Be yourself. Openness. Honesty. Sincerity.

Live your full life, have your hobbies, goals, interests. It is always more interesting to communicate with a developing and full of life person who has his own territory than with a sad and lifeless person who lives not his own life, but yours, and all the time strives to occupy your territory for lack of his own.

Life is not about relationships. Relationships are just a part of life. In addition to this part, there is much more. Meet with other people, with relatives, friends and girlfriends, colleagues, read interesting books, attend interesting events, do something for the soul - let you have your own part of life, separate from your partner. In my favorite “Hedgehog in the Fog,” this wisdom sounds like this: “In the evenings, the hedgehog went to the bear cub to count the stars. To the right of the pipe were the stars of a bear cub, and to the left of the hedgehog. Let you have your own flower bed, your partner has his own, and one common. In general, create together - it's great, fun, interesting. And it's just as cool for everyone to cultivate their own flowerbed - and then go to visit each other and, drinking tea with juniper twigs, admire what a friend has grown))

Allow yourself your desires and needs - voice them and satisfy them. Not in defiance of his desires and needs - but in balance. Voice your feelings. There is nothing wrong with any feelings, there are no bad feelings. And there is so much intimacy and trust in the way you say them. This is the contact with the partner. “You know, you have now wildly infuriated me with this phrase of yours, I am brutally angry, I want to throw something at you! I'm sad now and I want to be alone. I'm so sad right now - hug me, please. I want to think alone - I'll go for a walk. It is so important for me now to be with you - sit with me for a while? I don't want to watch this movie with you right now - I'll go and read it. I don't want to cook anything - shall we order a pizza? It’s nice to sit next to you like this and just drink tea.”

1. Clear.

Lyuba invited Misha, the husband of her friend Tanya, to dance. Lyuba was divorced for a long time, suffered from loneliness and thought that nothing terrible would happen if she talked with her husband for five minutes in the presence of Tanya herself, at least she remembered what it was like to communicate with a man. Once it's open, it means it's possible. Misha loved his wife and was afraid to refuse Lyuba, thinking that his wife would be offended because he could not devote a few minutes to her best friend. Tanya, seeing this couple dancing, was offended by both and left the restaurant in tears. It turns out that the girlfriend only thinks how to take her husband away, she doesn’t even hide anymore, and the husband, it turns out, is happy to try, a womanizer.

If the participants in this scene knew how to clarify, the conflict would have been exhausted before it began. It would not have reached the office of a psychologist - a sexologist. And it came to him, alas, after a divorce. No, not only because of this incident at the restaurant. A couple who are not able to clarify difficult situations, in a couple of years of living together, have accumulated so much emotional burden of such unspoken and unresolved problems that they could not be together.

We clarify both parts of the situation: yours and his. “I did it for a reason and a reason. And why you? I thought like this. And how are you? It seemed to me. What about you? We simply speak out our perception of the situation and ask questions about its perception. Then we are surprised: everything that could be understood wrong, we understood wrong ... And after the surprise, we rejoice at the clarification and put up)

1. Agree.

Society has taught us to either slavishly bend, or aggressively bend our line. We do this everywhere, including in relationships. Or "be your way", or "I'll still do as I see fit." The art of building happy relationships is to find a balance of interests, desires and needs. So that both the wolves are fed and the sheep are safe. “I want to do this. And how are you? ... Well, let's think of something that makes me happy, and you feel good too. What about…?" - and together go through a variety of options until you find one in which both of you will be satisfied.

1. Ahimsa: non-infliction of suffering.

This is the first principle of yoga. And for me it is very important. One day I noticed that in relationships with men I experience a lot of pain. That my relationship is filled with suffering. And at the same time, I saw that I was taking out my suffering on my partner, saying hurtful words and inflicting emotional wounds and wounds. And I get a new wave of suffering. Or from him. Or already from the next partner. Some senseless and endless cycle of pain. And I decided to stop it, stop it on myself. I refused to think and speak badly about my man. Refused to hurt. Refused to offend. And strangely - the cycle of pain in the relationship is over. Indeed, if you want to receive love, first give love. If you want to stop suffering, first stop causing suffering.

Everything I wrote above is not a set of rules. This is the result of understanding my stories, as well as the stories of my relatives, friends and clients. This is my own recipe for a happy relationship. Whatever suits you - take it and use it. What is not consonant - discard and forget. In any case, only you feel what is good for you. Yes, only the heart is vigilant - your heart.

Nastya Mikheeva, psychologist - sexologist