When a friend is younger. Why do we lose friends when we get older? Why do friendships disappear?

Elena: 38 years old, manager

Andrey and I have been living together for 10 years, and we met when I was 28 and he was 22. When I saw Andrey in the fitness club, I was the first to approach and talk to him. At the beginning, everything was great with us - Andrei said that he always dreamed of someone like me (he likes active, purposeful women). In addition, Andrei was interested in me - he believed that I knew much more than him, and he listened to me with delight, even if I was talking outright nonsense. Again, the sexual side of the relationship - Andrei was not particularly experienced in this area. In a word, we fell head over heels in love with each other. But my friends tried to dissuade me from this relationship, saying that with such an age difference it was impossible to build anything serious. “In 10 years,” they assured, “he will exchange you for a young girl, and it will be difficult for you to find a husband.” But I’m used to living by my own mind, so I didn’t listen to this advice. And now I think that I was somewhat arrogant, because my friends’ predictions seem to be starting to come true.

Andrei is irritated by literally everything - what and how I say, even my tone. He shouts that he is tired of my commanding habits and he is tired of dancing to my tune. He also decided that I didn’t care about him. We fight all the time. And in December a terrible scandal broke out over where to meet New Year. For several years in a row we went to see my parents, and then suddenly this tradition became in his throat. As an alternative, he suggested going to his friends' house. But I’ve been tired of all these noisy drinking parties until the morning with cigarette butts in saucers for a long time.

In short, the situation is very painful for me. It turned out that Andrey and I became very close, because it was I who shaped his taste in everything - my husband grew up in a family where the parents were too busy with their careers and paid little attention to their son; he lived with one grandmother, then with another. I, one might say, made a man out of him, but now he hates me for everything good. I thought for a long time about what could cause such changes in my husband’s behavior, and came to the conclusion that the reason for everything was my age. Apparently, the friends were right - marriages in which the wife is older than the husband are doomed.

Andrey: 32 years old, logistics specialist Lena doesn’t understand that you can’t command others all the time, even if those people around you love you, because constant dictates cause nothing but conflicts. Lena, with her desire to suppress, has long crossed the permissible limit - I am a patient person, but even my patience has burst. She never cared about my opinion - whatever she thought of, everything should be carried out instantly. Most of my friends got married and their family relationships are developing differently. It’s not that Lena and I have nothing in common, it’s just that our relationship is built on the “teacher-student” type, and that doesn’t suit me. For example, we are sitting at a party, at 11 o’clock Lena decisively says: “We have to go!” - and gets up. At the same time, she is not interested in whether I want to leave right now. Trifle? Yes, but it perfectly illustrates her attitude towards me. Lena ignores my friends - you see, they are boring. But these are my friends! And I’m tired of going there alone when everyone comes with their other half. It turns out that at work I am considered and respected because I have achieved something, but at home I feel like a bad student with a strict teacher. Another example is the New Year, which we must certainly celebrate with our wife’s parents. Lena says that she is annoyed by “drunkenness and chaos,” so New Year's Eve we must carry on calmly. Personally, this tranquility makes me want to howl.

Recently, the number of marriages in which the wife is older than the husband has increased significantly. Women who are in their thirties or early thirties are extremely popular with young men. And the motives for popularity are different. First of all, men desire sex with an experienced partner who can teach a lot. The second motive is purely mercantile, when a strong and influential woman helps a man strengthen his material and social status. The third is the need for a smart, caring, all-understanding mother. If we talk about the relationship between Lena and Andrey, then their main problem is the authoritarianism of the wife. And in vain Lena attributes all the difficulties to her age, because equality is determined not by years, but by a common worldview, the same level of education, emotionality, etc. If partners disagree on fundamental issues, they cannot avoid conflicts. Andrei liked the typical “parental” traits in Lena: the ability to teach something, the willingness to take responsibility, make decisions, and look after. But if at the beginning Lena behaved delicately, then over time she turned into a dictator. But it's not only that. A person’s self-esteem may change, and along with it, their needs. If yesterday Andrei was ready to learn from an experienced woman, today the “balance of power” has changed. Perhaps Lena is not aware that her desire to impose her will is caused by a desire to control the situation, fear that her husband will leave her for a younger woman. But if you are afraid of something, you can unwittingly bring the sad ending closer - thoughts are material.

Lena should change her behavior. You need to make Andrey feel that he is perceived as a strong, equal partner. You just need to do this gently: gradually improve relations with his friends, be interested in his opinion more often, and resolve all issues together. And don't blame the age difference. Of course, a woman who is 20 years older than her husband risks finding herself unattractive in her adult years. But the difference between Lena and Andrey is not so great as to seriously pay attention to it. The problem is not in passport data, but in the inability to adapt to each other, lack of flexibility, lack of understanding of the partner’s needs and unwillingness to find a reasonable compromise.

When you are young, you make friends with the whole world. But unfortunately, as you get older, these connections are almost always lost. However, it cannot be said that in adulthood a person needs friendship less than in youth. Among the daily hustle and bustle and routine, time spent with friends is highly valued by adults. And when you meet someone in person, you just can't stop talking, you never run out of things to talk about. But why then do friends disappear as you get older? Is this your fault? And what can you do to avoid losing them completely? This article will try to find answers to these vital questions that interest everyone.

Why do friendships disappear?

In the hierarchy of relationships, friendship is at the very bottom. Romantic partners, parents, children - all of this comes ahead. This is a fact of life, and also a truth of science, which focuses its research on couples and families. In a social system, friendship is one of the smallest clusters. However, friendships are unique because, compared to family relations, you choose whether to join them or not. And unlike other voluntary relationships, such as marriage or romantic relationships, friendships lack formal structure. You are unlikely to be able to spend several months without meeting your loved one or without contacting them at all - this is quite possible with a friend. However, study after study shows how important friendships are to people. And while friendships often change as people grow older, what people expect from them often remains the same.

Basic expectations from friendships

Researchers listened to a variety of people aged 14 to 100, and they were able to identify three basic expectations of friendship that can be seen at any age. An opportunity to talk, an opportunity to rely and an opportunity to have fun. These three expectations remain the same, but the conditions under which it would be possible to achieve what you expect change. Voluntary nature friendly relations makes them more susceptible to vicissitudes of fate than more formal relationships. In adulthood, as people get older and choose their own paths, it is friendships that take the biggest hit. You have your own family, you put your partner first. And if earlier you could break out at any moment and run to a friend’s house to find out if he would go out for a walk right now, now you need to ask him if he has an hour to meet you in a couple of weeks.

Voluntary nature of friendships

But what makes friendships wonderful and special is the fact that friends are friends because they want to be. So you can choose whether you want to start a relationship and whether you want to end it. And when you are still young, your friendship may even be more important to you than your health. But as you grow older, your priorities and responsibilities change, which naturally affects your friendships for the better or, as happens, unfortunately, much more often, for the worse.

Friendship in childhood

In general, the story of adult friendships starts off quite well. Adulthood is best time to form relationships, as at this time they become more complex and take on deeper meaning. As a child, your friends are most often other children with whom you simply have fun playing together. IN adolescence There is much more openness between friends and issues of support in difficult situations are raised, but at the same time, teenagers are still searching for themselves and learning to touch on more personal topics. And friendship helps them with this. However, it is during adolescence that people are most prone to changeability; they do not yet have a clearly formed position in life. How many T-shirts with the image music group ends up in the trash bin because friends tell the owner that this band is bad. As teenagers, people are rarely self-confident; they look for friends who would share their views on important things, ignoring various little things.

Friendship in adolescence

If we talk about friendships in adolescence, then in this case teenagers also have plenty of time for communication. Research shows that teenagers spend between 10 and 25 hours a week socializing with friends. But when people enter average age, they become more demanding of their time, which affects friendships. After all, it's much easier to put off meeting a friend than to miss your child's speech at school or an important business trip. People's ideal ideas about friendship are always in close connection with the reality of their lives.

Friendship in middle age

It's a little sad to think that as a teenager, friendships are so important to you in finding yourself and deciding what comes next. But when adolescence ends, you also lose time for those who helped you make those important decisions. Time is spent mostly on work and family. Naturally, not everyone gets married and has children, but even those who do not begin any romantic relationships can notice how friendships are greatly affected by the fact that friends have a couple, family, or children. Most often, friends break away from their social circle when they get married. This is quite ironic, since most of the time all friends on both sides are invited to a wedding, so it turns out that wedding party- This is a kind of farewell meeting for everyone, after which the married couple breaks away from their groups.

Friendship in old age

But if you depict people’s employment throughout their lives in the form of a graph, you get a parabola. The things that take up the most time in your adult life disappear, freeing up a ton of time. As people retire and their children grow up, they have the opportunity to form new friendships. Therefore, in old age, people very often resume communication with old friends with whom they had previously lost contact. Research shows that towards the end of their lives, people begin to prioritize the things that make them happy in the here and now, including spending time with friends and family.

Ways to Maintain Friendships

As people move through their lives, they may find new friends and maintain relationships with them different ways. Some people are independent, they can find friends wherever they go, but they often have great amount acquaintances, but few real friends. Other people are picky - meaning they only have a couple of friends, but they are very close. This method also has its downsides - the deep relationships that are built between friends mean that breaking such a connection can be devastating. Well, the most flexible is the third type of people who keep in touch with old friends, but at the same time continue to look for new friends as their lives develop. Everyone is different, and everyone may have their own approach to friendships.

In the hierarchy of relationships, friendship is in last place. Relationships with lovers, parents, children - all this is higher than friendship. This is true in life and is reflected in science: studies of interpersonal relationships mainly concern couples and families.

Friendship is a unique relationship because, unlike relationships with relatives, we choose who we deal with. And unlike other voluntary relationships like marriage, friendship has no formal structure. You can’t go without seeing or talking to your significant other for a month, but you can with your friends.

However, study after study confirms that friends are very important to a person. And as friendships change over time, so do a person's demands on their friends.

I've heard people talk about close friends different ages: a teenager of 14 years old and an old man approaching his century. There are three descriptions of close friends: someone you can talk to, someone you depend on, and someone you feel good with. Descriptions do not change throughout life, but the life circumstances in which these qualities are manifested change.

William Rawlins, professor at Ohio University

The voluntary nature of friendship makes it defenseless against life circumstances. Growing up, people prioritize not in favor of friendship: family comes first. And if earlier you could just run into the next doorway to invite Kolya for a walk, now you agree with him to “somehow find a couple of hours” to meet and have a drink once a month.

The beautiful thing about friendship is that people remain friends simply because they want to, because they chose each other. But this also prevents you from maintaining friendship for a long time, because you can also voluntarily stop dating without regrets or obligations.

Throughout life - from kindergarten to the nursing home - friendship improves a person, both physically and mentally. But as people grow older, their priorities change, and friendships change - for better or for worse. The latter, unfortunately, happens much more often.

How friendships change

Youth is the best time to create friendships. It is during this time that friendship becomes more complete and meaningful.

As a child, friends are other kids who are fun to play with. They are already opening up their feelings more and supporting each other. But in adolescence, friends are still exploring and testing themselves and others, learning what it means “ close person" Friendship helps them in this.

Over time, moving from youth to youth, people become more self-confident, they look for people who share their views on important things.

Despite the new, more complex approach to friendship, young people still have plenty of time to devote to friends. Young people generally spend 10 to 25 hours a week meeting with friends. And a recent study showed that in the United States, boys and girls aged 20-24 spend most of the day interacting with groups of people of all ages.

At universities, everything is aimed at communication between students - at lectures and between them, at holidays with classmates, at seminars, and so on. Of course, this doesn't just apply to those attending university. All young people strive to avoid things that distract them from communicating with friends, such as weddings, or conversations with parents.

When you're young, your friendships are stronger: all your friends go to the same school or live nearby. With time as you leave educational establishments, change your job or place of residence, connections weaken. Moving to another city to study at university can be your first experience of leaving friends.

Research by Emily Langan, a professor of social interaction at Wheaton College, found that adults feel they should be more polite to their friends.

Adults understand that friends have their own things to do and cannot demand much time or attention from them. Unfortunately, this happens on both sides, and people begin to distance themselves from each other, even if they don't want to. Just out of politeness.

But what makes friendship fragile also makes it flexible. Participants in one survey most often thought that the relationship was not interrupted, even if there was a long period when friends did not communicate.

This is a very optimistic view. You won't think you have a good relationship with your parents if you haven't heard from them for months. But it works with friends: you can be considered friends even if you haven’t talked for six months.

Yes, it's sad that we stop relying on friends when we grow up, but it gives us the opportunity to experience a different kind of relationship based on understanding the limitations of adulthood. Such relationships are far from ideal, but they are real.

After all, friendship is a relationship without any obligations. You yourself decided to connect yourself with a person, just to be together.

What about you? Do you still have any real friends?