The role of father and mother in raising a girl. The role of the mother in raising girls The role of the mother in raising girls
A modern woman has many roles that we do not always manage to combine harmoniously. Therefore, when a girl is born into a family, it can be difficult to figure out in which direction to raise her. Parents want their baby to be successful in life, to find her calling, and to be able to realize herself as a mother and wife. And on this path we risk making many mistakes that will interfere with her in adult life.
A special role in raising a daughter lies with the mother, who lays down the guidelines for what a woman should be. Psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky gives 10 tips to mothers and grandmothers, warning them against common mistakes that can ruin their daughters' lives.
The most serious mistake that many mothers and grandmothers make when raising a daughter and, accordingly, a granddaughter is to program her with a certain mandatory set of skills and qualities that she must possess. “You should be nice”, “You should be flexible”, “You should be liked”, “You should learn to cook”, “You should...”
There is nothing wrong with the ability to cook, but the girl develops a flawed mindset: you will only have value if you meet a set of criteria. It will work much more effectively and without mental trauma personal example: Let's cook a delicious soup together. Let's clean the house together. Let's choose your hairstyle together. Seeing how her mother does something and enjoys it, her daughter will want to learn how to do it. And on the contrary, if a mother hates something, then no matter how much she repeats that she needs to learn it, the girl will have a subconscious rejection of the process. But in fact, the girl will learn everything she needs sooner or later anyway. When she herself needs it.
The second mistake that is often encountered in raising daughters is the heavy, judgmental attitude towards men and sex that is conveyed to her by her mother. “They all want the same thing”, “Look, he’ll screw you up and leave you”, “The main thing is don’t bring it in the hem”, “You should be inaccessible.” As a result, the girl grows up with the feeling that men are aggressors and rapists, that sex is something dirty and bad that should be avoided. At the same time, with age, her body will begin to send her signals, hormones will begin to rage, and this internal contradiction between the prohibition coming from the mother and the desire coming from within is also very traumatic.
The third mistake, which surprisingly contrasts with the second, is that closer to the age of 20, a girl is told that her formula for happiness consists of “getting married and giving birth.” And ideally - before the age of 25, otherwise it will be too late. Think about it: first, as a child, she was told that she had to (list) in order to get married and become a mother, then for several years she was conveyed the idea that men are goats and sex is dirt, and now again: get married and give birth. This is paradoxical, but often it is precisely these contradictory attitudes that mothers voice to their daughters. The result is fear of relationships as such. And the risk of losing yourself, losing touch with your desires and realizing what the girl really wants increases significantly.
The fourth mistake is overprotection. Now this is a big problem, mothers are increasingly tying their daughters to themselves and surrounding them with so many prohibitions that it becomes scary. Don’t go for walks, don’t be friends with these guys, call me every half hour, where are you, why are you 3 minutes late. Girls are not given any freedom, they are not given the right to make decisions, because these decisions may turn out to be wrong. But it normal! At the age of 14-16, a normal teenager goes through the process of separation, he wants to decide everything himself, and (with the exception of issues of life and health) he needs to be given this opportunity. Because if a girl grows up under her mother’s heel, she will become convinced that she is a second-class creature, incapable of autonomous existence, and that everything will always be decided for her by other people.
The fifth mistake is the formation of a negative image of the father. It doesn’t matter whether the father is present in the family or the mother is raising the child without his participation, it is unacceptable to turn the father into a demon. You cannot tell a child that his shortcomings are due to bad heredity on his father's side. You can’t denigrate your father, no matter what he was. If he really was a “goat,” then the mother should admit her share of responsibility for the fact that she chose this particular man as the father of her child. It was a mistake, so the parents separated, but responsibility for the one who took part in the conception cannot be shifted to the girl. It's definitely not her fault.
In raising a girl, the position of the father and mother should be slightly different. Mom can (and should) be tougher than dad here, drive her daughter and demand from her daughter. To comb your hair, make the bed, not walk around undressed, prepare breakfast for everyone and wash the dishes - a mother can strictly demand all this from her daughter. More precisely, harshly, if necessary, because with attentive and wise upbringing, where the mother is attentive and is helped by both dad and grandmothers, all this can be done without any harshness. But dad - let dad be gentler with his daughter. The daughter fulfills her mother’s demands because she has to, and her father’s requests because she wants to. Another thing is that in the right family, the authority of the father should be such that the mildest father’s request actually lifts everyone up, and if the father suddenly not only asks for something, but demands it, then this is done simply on the count of “Once”... S dad - they don’t argue.
It’s normal if dads spoil the girls a little: and if she didn’t comb her hair and came running to him in a wrinkled dress, let his reaction be a hug, a kiss and admiration, “You’re my beauty!” And after that - “Go comb your hair, dear, and it’s better to iron your dress!” To love and pamper - yes, but if a daughter suddenly wants to enter into competition with her mother for her father’s attention and love, she should not have a single chance. No matter how much dad admires his sweet daughter, the daughter must absolutely clearly know that his heart belongs first and foremost to her mother. Only in this case, the girl inside herself will say: “I, too, will have a beloved man when I grow up!”, and this will be the basis for the formation of proper femininity.
But the habit of “No sooner said than done!” Dad and mom can and should teach together. Without the dissatisfied “I’m coming now, wait!” or “Well, mom, leave me alone!”, and if the parents asked for something seriously, then you need to immediately stop any other activities, stand up, smile and do what they asked. This habit is rare today, but it will help your daughter to be internally organized in the future and will help her avoid.
For every girl, mother is the most close person, best friend and main mentor. How to behave with your daughter to raise her a real woman?
1. Play with your daughter
You have a unique opportunity to play the best games for girls again or for the first time in your life: rolling dolls in a stroller, swaddling baby dolls, preparing lunch for dad from plastic vegetables, dressing up Barbie, playing hopscotch and jumping through a rubber band. As you know, joint games bring people closer together - it’s not for nothing that most team building programs are built on them. And emotional intimacy is the key to harmonious relationships.
2. Don't forget to educate
Of course, a spoiled girl is not as terrible as a spoiled boy, but it’s also not particularly pleasant. If you don’t want your daughter to grow up selfish, get into unpleasant situations and scare away her friends with her behavior, you will sometimes have to be strict. Stop hysterics, do not fall for manipulation, explain what is good and what is bad. It is worth keeping an especially close eye on grandparents: they are often the ones who shower their granddaughters with gifts, carry them in their arms, and spoon-feed them all the way to college.
3. Don’t transfer your experience to your daughter.
Of course, the baby is very similar to you, but still she is growing up in a completely different time, in a different environment and with different parents. And, besides, she is a personality, and a completely unique one. Therefore, forget about your experience, except for those life lessons of yours that can protect her from danger. For example, if you cried and called for your mother all day in kindergarten, your girl will not necessarily do the same: maybe she will like it there and will happily run to her friends every morning. If at the age of 13 you had an unhappy love for a high school student, it is not at all a fact that your daughter will also experience this feeling. And if this happens, it will be a completely different boy and a situation completely different from yours. Therefore, think carefully before forbidding a girl to skate because you broke your leg like that in childhood, or refusing her requests to go to music school, because “but my parents sent me away, so now I can’t see the violin.” "
4. Don't betray her trust.
The ideal mother is the one to whom you can tell everything. She will not scream and swear when you yourself have already realized your guilt. He will not be sarcastic, criticize or ridicule your feelings and thoughts. He won’t tell anyone about your secrets, not even your grandmother and best friend. Will take your feelings seriously and give useful advice, if you ask her. There is no point in hiding anything from such a mother, but lies and mistrust are the most common problems in relationships between children and parents.
5. Teach her to help around the house.
It’s great when a future wife and mother knows and loves to cook (even the simplest dishes), keeps the house clean and tidy, irons clothes and sews on buttons. Of course, it’s easier and faster to do everything yourself, sending your daughter to watch cartoons so that she doesn’t interfere. But the future son-in-law will definitely not thank you for this... It’s better not to refuse the baby’s help, but to accustom her to this with early years. Ideal age in order to involve a daughter in household chores - 2-3 years. At this time, children themselves strive to imitate adults in everything and help them.
6. Create the image of the ideal man
A woman can only be a real woman thanks to men. This means that a girl should be instilled with the correct idea of what an ideal man should be like. If the baby has obvious authority among his stronger half (most often it is dad, grandfather or older brother), try not to criticize this person in front of her or speak negatively about him. Phrases like: “Don’t repeat my mistakes, don’t get involved with someone like your father!” can cause severe psychological trauma to the girl. It’s better to do the opposite—emphasize the virtues and positive traits of your daughter’s beloved man. Wherein perfect image girls should be close to reality: if you fall into perfectionism, you risk raising a princess who will wait for a prince on a white horse all her life.
7. Don't mix roles
Some mothers are very stubborn in their desire to become a friend for their daughter: they either fall into childhood and begin to seriously study family tree little ponies, or, on the contrary, they take girls with them to adult events, to visit their friends, and so on. Another common mistake is to demand that the girl tell her mother all the details of her life, down to the smallest details. Allow your daughter to share some secrets only with friends the same age, to have her own hobbies and passions, personal space and time. The role of a mother is special: she is not only a friend, but also an experienced mentor, teacher, adviser, and there is no point in giving up these roles.
A mother in our life is the dearest and closest person, especially since for a girl a mother should also become a mentor and best friend. And for this, the mother herself needs to know how to behave with her daughter, so that the baby becomes a real woman in the future. We invite mothers to familiarize themselves with 8 main rules that will help in communicating with their daughter.
Rule No. 1. Play with your daughter!
No time? This is just an excuse! For own child it should always be there. In addition, you have an amazing opportunity to remember your childhood and play long-forgotten games: daughters - mothers, rolling dolls in a stroller, swaddling hopscotch dolls, preparing sand eggs or a salad of plastic vegetables. Or maybe jump through a rubber band. It has long been a known fact: playing games together brings people closer together. Even many team building programs (team building) are built by psychologists based on games. If we talk about emotional intimacy, which necessarily arises during the game, then it is a good basis for harmonious relationships.
Rule No. 2. Education comes first!
Spoiled children are unpleasant for those around them, and for parents they are simply a disaster. That is why if you, as a mother, do not want to see your daughter as a selfish person who has no real friends (who would want to be friends with someone like that!), and do not want her to be a participant in any unpleasant troubles, you have no choice but to be strict in education. What does it mean to be strict? Everything is quite simple: stop attacks, do not allow them, be sure to tell them what is good and what is bad. However, that's not all. An important point is vigilant observation of grandparents, who quite often do not know when to stop. What does this mean? IN large quantities gifts, in permissiveness, fulfilling any whims of granddaughters. It is grandmothers who carry their granddaughters in their arms and spoon-feed them all the way to college. Therefore, we should not forget that the benefits of this will have to be reaped, first of all, by parents.
Rule No. 3. Do not transfer your life experience to your daughter.
Children are similar to their parents, but they grow up at a different time, in different conditions. It is also necessary to remember that from the cradle they are already individuals, and completely unique ones. That is why you should not endlessly remember your life experiences, of course, except for those situations that can protect your daughter from danger. If you didn't want to go to kindergarten and threw hysterics about this in the morning, then your daughter will probably be happy to attend kindergarten. And this won't be a daily problem. If in adolescence you got burned by unrequited love and had a hard time getting out of a state of depression, this does not mean at all that your girl will repeat this bitter situation. Therefore, think carefully before forbidding a girl to skate because you broke your leg like that in childhood, or refusing her requests to go to music school, because “but my parents sent me away, so now I can’t see the violin.” " So, think several times before you forbid anything to your baby just because your experience was not very successful.
Rule No. 4. Trust - yes, deception - no!
It’s great if a daughter can tell her mother almost everything. This perfect mom who will not lecture, swear and scream when the awareness of guilt has already come to her daughter. He will not be sarcastic, criticize or ridicule your feelings and thoughts. Such a mother will not talk condescendingly about the girl’s feelings, ridicule them and call them “childish”, which will soon pass; she will not tell her daughter’s secrets to anyone, not even her grandmother or best friend, because this is their secret! She will take your feelings seriously and give practical advice if you ask her. Why hide something from such a mother? This is an ideal picture of a relationship, but it often happens that mistrust and lies become an insurmountable obstacle in the relationship between children and parents. Avoid this!
Note to moms!
Hello girls) I didn’t think that the problem of stretch marks would affect me too, and I’ll also write about it))) But there’s nowhere to go, so I’m writing here: How did I get rid of stretch marks after childbirth? I will be very glad if my method helps you too...
Rule No. 5. Teach your daughter to help around the house.
It's wonderful when a woman is a real keeper hearth and home. She enjoys cooking and the house is always tidy and comfortable. This should be taught to your daughter from early age. No doubt, it’s faster and easier to do everything yourself, and keep your daughter occupied with cartoons or suggest something else interesting activity, as long as it doesn’t spin under your feet. However, let's look into the future: will your daughter's husband be grateful that she doesn't know how to do anything around the house or does it somehow? Therefore, it is better to accustom your daughter to help around the house. Between the ages of 2 and 3, children want to help and imitate adults in everything, so don't miss this moment.
Rule No. 6. Create the image of an ideal man
You can’t argue with the fact that a woman shows all her best feminine qualities thanks to men. A mother’s task is to instill in her daughter the correct idea of what a real man should be. However, the main thing here is not to go too far - the established image must correspond to reality, otherwise, falling into perfectionism, you risk raising a princess who will wait for a prince on a white horse all her life. If she has authority among the male half of her relatives (most often this is dad, grandfather or older brother), then you should avoid criticizing this person in the presence of your daughter, and do not speak negatively about him. Phrases like: “Don’t repeat my mistakes, don’t get involved with someone like your father!” can cause severe psychological trauma to your daughter.
Rule No. 7. Don't mix roles
There are mothers who try so hard to become a friend to their daughter that they start doing stupid things. They either fall into deep childhood, or their little daughter is “drawn” into the adult circle, for example, taken to adult parties. Another disadvantage in the mother’s behavior is the demand from her daughter for a full account of her life. Nothing good will come of this. Give your daughter the opportunity to have her own secrets and share them with her friends, her hobbies, and finally free time. Remember that the role of a daughter’s mother is special: a mother is a friend, an adviser, a teacher, and a mentor. You shouldn't give up these roles.
If a daughter is growing up in your family, then the mother’s main task is to pass on to her the best of her life experiences. We learned from perinatal psychologist Oksana Brezhneva about how mothers influence their daughters and how to properly raise their daughters.
It is the mother who cultivates a sense of taste, instills a love of beauty, and teaches the girl to be feminine. By her example, she shows her daughter what a wife and housewife should be, how to build relationships with her husband and men in general. Mom teaches her daughter the skills of cooking, self-care and housekeeping.
Mom should show how feminine she is and how valuable it is. Punishing your daughter for throwing toys around is not a solution, but keeping the house clean should be a priority. When this is done with love, daughters begin to imitate. Often girls try to help their mother: they grab a broom or mop, start washing the dishes, etc. You cannot refuse them this, although in fact the work increases. But if you forbid it, expect that your daughter will lose the desire to do housework.
Most often, the mother is the closest friend for girls; it is with her that they can discuss the most secret things, it is she who they trust with their secrets and it is she who they ask for advice. A mother should be wise, patient and restrained, because for her daughter she is a living example of an “ideal woman.”
One of the important aspects that a mother should pass on to her daughter is her attitude towards men in general, and this happens, in particular, through her relationship with her husband. A woman should treat her man with respect, and if disagreements arise, then resolve them in a constructive manner and not in front of the child. Remember that the girl adopts the experience of her mother even in those moments when she is not nearby. If a woman undermines a man’s authority, then the daughter is unlikely to behave differently. In addition, someday she may even begin to “brazenly be rude” to her father, proving that she is right.
Communication between a mother and her mother is also important. Remember that children do not learn in theory, but in practice. Treat your mother with respect - and by your example you will show how to treat parents.
When it comes to sex education, it is important to emphasize the difference between the roles of men and women. Let the girl know that she future mom and wife. Useful in childhood support the mother-daughter game, and when older, talk to her about “women’s topics.”
And if you suddenly don’t like something in your behavior adult daughter, her appearance or the way she dresses, talk about how you feel in this situation, and not about what you think your daughter thinks or should think. The most important thing is to move your relationship with your daughter in time from a position of demandingness to a position of trust and thus change your role in your daughter’s life.
