Should I express my dissatisfaction with a man? How to properly express dissatisfaction with your man. “my ex would never do that”

Tell your friends about this article. Because 9 out of 10 women make this fatal mistake. A mistake costs a happy relationship. As they say, start with yourself and pass on bright thoughts to those around you.

As we remember from my earlier articles, the man is not a psychic. That is why it is necessary to convey to a man your thoughts, desires, and requests.

But what if your Dartagnan is not perfect? He has strengths and weaknesses. And that's okay.

For example, my things are always scattered, my desk is always a mess. Where he undressed, that’s where the clothes lie. This is my weak point.

How can I properly reprimand? Because I suspect you're tired of jumping over my shoes on the way to the toilet at night.

For a long time now you have been asking me to take off my shoes not in the middle of the corridor, but I automatically do the same regularly.

Can you imagine, I even heard a terrible story from a woman about her husband who pulled his socks over the arms of the rocking chair like condoms. The man is an adult, and he was not kidding. He just had such a “weak side.”

How to reprimand a man, how to correct something in him that “doesn’t fit in any way,” how to make sure that your Knight hears you and doesn’t pretend to be.

What did your mother do in such cases?

What do your girlfriends do in such cases?

What is shown in films and TV series on this topic?

I dare to suspect that you are behaving close to the answers above. And if I’m wrong, feel free to write it in the comments under the article right now!

1. Method Classic (Fashionable)

How many times do I have to tell you, don’t let your socks fall...

I'm tired of you not hearing me...

Why do you need to be reminded ten times of the same thing...

Sound familiar? Or Very familiar?

This is not feminine behavior. When you say that, a man sees you as a man-adversary-rival.

Never! Never! This method will never work. But why is it used by 98% of the Russian-speaking female population? Out of habit. Because everyone does it.

The method not only doesn't work. He burns out your relationship with a man.

What's the result? The woman turns into a saw. Who gets what she wants from a man every seven times. And happiness... Where is happiness?

1. The Real Woman Method

There is a legend that girls who have this technique are the happiest, and their men are strong and successful. Be sure to check this out and then tell me how true it is.

You make a childishly sad face (not stern, not capricious), so that the man cannot help but ask: “What happened, dear?”

The woman answers in a soft, even voice: “Well, honey, I’m angry with myself... I’ve been asking you to take the carpet to the dry cleaner for two weeks now, and you’re busy with me. You still can’t fulfill the request. So I’m angry with myself that I don’t feel good with the dirty carpet in my apartment.”

The man now understands that the cost of an unfulfilled request/obligation is equal to the unhappiness of his woman. And unlike the “Fashionable” method, a woman’s behavior does not cause a state of rivalry.

On the contrary, it shows its weakness, thereby causing in a man an instinctive state of strength, a desire to protect and care for a woman.

Eh! As I write, a tear comes out. Honestly. It's so simple. I don’t even dream that this will be taught at school or in universities.

So thank you for reading my humble blog. And see you in the next articles.

Bad habits come in different forms. Sometimes it is difficult to notice them - they are so ingrained that they have turned into peculiar character traits. As happens with the habits of swearing, shouting at someone and similar inclinations.

But one thing is certain - they have a bad effect on life, and getting rid of them would promise huge changes for the better. But giving up your “harmful cockroaches” is sometimes the hardest thing to do, until someone around you accidentally brings them to light. Or, more precisely, from the basements of the subconscious straight into the sunlight...

For example, I recently had the habit of expressing my dissatisfaction, but I knew nothing about it. Once upon a time, to be honest, I had a much more positive mindset, but among all the hardships of life and small everyday problems, I gradually lost the lion’s share of my optimism. And I began to be annoyed by many things that I simply did not notice in my youth: the crowd in minibuses, high prices, garbage on the streets, poor work of public utilities... Just think - like our old ladies on the benches! But no, I’m a fairly young person, not even thirty (although thirty, by the way, is also far from old). Maybe the fact is that I often watched the regional news of our small town - they broadcast every day about the above problems. Because people who are always positive... Well, often experiencing a feeling of dissatisfaction, I, as a typical extrovert, could not keep it to myself. Of course, I knew that those around me preferred to talk about their own problems and hardships, and they didn’t need my irritation, so I tried to restrain the outbursts of indignation. But all the same, she constantly forgot herself and, like a boiling kettle, released steam from her negative impressions of something on the people closest to her. By the way, they never reproached me and courageously listened to these monologues, for which special thanks to them.

But I want to address my greatest gratitude to another person, because of whom I learned about my habit and began to get rid of it. When I got married, I moved into my husband’s apartment, where his other relatives also lived. I found a common language and got along with everyone, except for one relative. His character, frankly speaking, was not a gift (although I also do not have the easiest temperament...). He was constantly dissatisfied with my actions or even inaction in some everyday situations, and we often began to have conflicts. And after a while I began to catch myself thinking that this elderly man was unusually annoying me. A wave of discontent simply overwhelmed me when I came across unwashed dishes, a dirty rag, or an open door that he left behind. By the way, when my husband or one of his relatives committed such inattention, my reaction was completely different, loyal. Well, I couldn’t remain silent for a long time, and every time I noted out loud the misdeeds of this man, who was now my relative too. He, in turn, also did not mince his words - every time he answered, “Look at yourself,” and immediately in response recalled some similar, everyday offense of mine. To be honest, I have never encountered such aggressive directness and frankness - as I wrote above, all my relatives were quite tolerant of me. And I never told them about their mistakes, only about others.

And so I began to think about the words of this new relative. And really, I’m good myself. And I noticed an interesting thing: all the shortcomings that irritate me in others are usually expressed to some extent in me. For example, I was indescribably stressed by the disorder in this relative’s room. However, really: how can I reproach him while everything is imperfect with me? Realizing that I cannot in any way influence the habits and manners of this person (I doubt that at this age people are generally amenable to re-education), I decided to start improving my husband and I’s room. So at least I will have the moral right to say something to him about the mess he creates in the common areas.

The way the human psyche works is that we don’t notice our mistakes and negative character traits, but if someone else does something unacceptable, we often try to point it out to him...

Teach the “correct” behavior or simply condemn. Sometimes too often we try to point out to others their shortcomings. For what purpose? Have you asked yourself this question?

Criticism is an opportunity to express your dissatisfaction with something, to show your attitude to what is happening, and also a way to offend someone else. Why do you criticize? Often, initially wanting to express our opinion, trying to change the situation, we choose a too aggressive form of storytelling. Before telling another about something with which we disagree, it is important to answer the question “Why am I doing this?” If you want to offend a person, hurt his feelings, then, probably, you really shouldn’t pay attention to the format of what is said, but on the contrary, cut from the shoulder and cut sharply. However, if you want to change the situation, then it is better to choose words that will cause minimal psychological trauma to the interlocutor, so as not to encounter his aggression in response. After all, each of us felt how, sensing an attack, we willy-nilly begin to defend ourselves or remain guiltily silent. Obviously, both of these ways do not lead to a change in the situation. There is no discussion of the problem, no search for compromise solutions.

What kind of criticism is effective?
So, before you start telling someone else what is unpleasant to you, it is important to understand for yourself why you are doing this. If you just want to offend your interlocutor, think about why this particular person makes you want to point out his shortcomings. Or are you trying to teach everyone around you how to live the right life in your opinion? Remember that there are no clearly right and wrong decisions; everything has its pros and cons.

Having tracked negative emotions in yourself, it is first of all important to understand what exactly you are reacting to so sharply. You need to find what caused these feelings in you. “Do you want to change the situation and continue communicating with the person?” - this is the second question that is important to answer for yourself. After all, there is no point in trying to explain something to your interlocutor if you have already finally decided that there is no point in continuing communication. Why should you invest energy in changing a person who, by and large, is no longer interesting to you?

Try to express your opinion as specifically as possible. That is, do not say “you are behaving inadequate”, “doing this is childish”, “you are an irresponsible person”. It is much more productive to speak clearly about your feelings. For example: “I feel bad when you...”, “I feel offended when you...”. It is important to talk not about someone, not to make judgments, but to convey to the interlocutor your feelings about the situation. Try to use specific facts and avoid generalizations.

If you know exactly what you didn’t like, have an idea of ​​how you would like to communicate, try to convey this to the other person as simply and honestly as possible. Avoid hints and ambiguity. Your interlocutor is unlikely to be able to read minds, and in order to really understand that something was unpleasant for you, he must at least hear it.

When criticizing, use a calm tone. In communication, we react more to the intonation of the voice, rather than to the words that are spoken to us. If your tone is indignant and demanding, then the normal reaction of the interlocutor will be to defend himself against you. If you speak in a kind, inviting voice about what is unpleasant to you, then there is a high probability that it will be heard. Another question is whether your interlocutor can afford the changes you are waiting for, is he capable of this? Make every effort to be heard. To do this, as we found out, it is important to learn to express criticism constructively.

How to accept criticism painlessly?
"Best defense is attack". Many of us live by this very rule. After all, as soon as we hear that the interlocutor was dissatisfied with us, we automatically begin to defend ourselves. This is how the human psyche works; it always strives to protect us from negative pressure. Of course, any criticism, even fair, damages self-esteem. Sometimes these are very painful blows. And many of us are simply not ready to accept unpleasant things about ourselves.

Remember that you need to respond to criticism. There's nothing wrong with that. However, you need to be able to take criticism and do it correctly. This way you can build a dialogue, maintain relationships and find a solution that suits both parties.

The first thing you need to understand when you discover criticism addressed to you is whether your opponent is trying to convey his opinion to you or whether he just wants to tease you. In a situation where the interlocutor’s goal is to prick you harder, it is useless to respond at all. Any justification or desire to convince him that he is right will further provoke him and give reasons for further claims.

The second thing that is important to do is to identify specific facts that upset your interlocutor. Try to figure out the reasons. Encourage your opponent to make the remark clear and precise. Use a calm, friendly tone. It is important to deal with your emotions, otherwise the dialogue will turn into cross-accusations. Obviously, such conversations are ineffective if we are talking about a favorable resolution of difficult situations in relationships and establishing mutual understanding.

When you have managed to obtain the facts, try to evaluate how fair the criticism is. Admit only what you are truly guilty of. Turn your interlocutor's words into your strengths. For example, if you are accused of being excessively talkative, and you yourself note such a feature, you should not humiliate yourself with excuses; agree with the criticism, saying that you are truly a sociable person. Remember that often, by listening to criticism, we can improve our relationship with a person and avoid sharp corners again. Although, of course, it is necessary that you and your partner have a desire to jointly look for a solution that satisfies both.

If you fail to restrain your emotions and, even understanding the mechanism of productive response to criticism, you again and again slip into retaliatory aggression and acute confrontation, think about what exactly hurts you in the words of your interlocutor? What is happening to your self-esteem at this moment? Most likely, it's your painful reaction. What's behind this? Do you feel confident? Do you know your strengths, what you can be valued for? Sometimes people who do not feel comfortable turn to a psychologist for help, who is ready to work with them on the painful moments of their life, teach them to respect themselves, love their strengths and be understanding about their shortcomings.

Remember that the most important thing in a situation where you express your dissatisfaction with someone or when you are criticized is not to turn a constructive exchange of opinions into a “battle in the market.” Rely on facts, be consistent, avoid generalizations, speak to the essence of the issue, discuss a specific situation, try to show a minimum of emotions, think about what you are saying, listen to your interlocutor.

Constructive criticism makes it possible to speak openly about what does not suit you in communication, establish contact, and maintain emotional comfort in a couple. It is within your power to use this tool and establish relationships with your loved one, friend, relative, co-worker, or boss. Use in your life the skills of non-aggressive presentation of criticism and unemotional reaction to comments, and you will immediately notice how communication with others will become more effective, mutual understanding, pleasant sensations and emotional comfort will appear. Constructive criticism is our assistant in communication, do not turn it into your enemy.

Perhaps every woman, deep down in her soul, wants her beloved man paid her as much attention as possible. And, of course, he was caring, earned good money, had a sense of humor, etc. And if it is better to accept some aspects of a person than to change them, then it is quite possible to change behavior.

So, if your man’s behavior does not suit you in some way, you need to tell him about it.

Do not hide your dissatisfaction under any circumstances. Remember that negative emotions that do not find a way out cause damage not only to health, but also have a negative impact on relationships. So talk about your dissatisfaction, but do it correctly.

Remember how you usually do this? If a man hasn’t washed the dishes, for example, what does he hear from you about him? As a rule, the reproach: " You haven't washed the dishes again!". And if he does not agree with your opinion, then criticism falls on him: " You're always so stubborn!". Well, if this is not the first time he does not fulfill his promise, then an avalanche of indignation may fall upon him. And after this, do you expect that the man will change and finally begin to please you?! No matter how it is!

Whenever you come down on your man criticism in this form, you seem to let him know that he does not suit you, that he is not what you want him to be. How does a man feel at these moments? He either wants to answer you in kind (that is, be rude), or leave (someone withdraws into himself).

Well, then how can you express your emotions, your wishes, so as not to offend the man, and achieve the desired result?

I advise you to talk to your man about what doesn’t suit you, be gentle, and adhere to the following sequence in the conversation:

• Describe the situations in which you feel dissatisfied;
• Tell us about the feelings that arise in you;
• Tell me how you would like it to be.

If a man does not wash the dishes, tell him, for example, the following: " I constantly ask you to wash the dishes, but you don't do it. This makes me angry. You don't want me to become "mean"",and my skin on my hands is not as soft as it is now?.. Let’s agree to take turns washing the dishes, okay?”. And if he doesn’t keep his promises, then you can tell him about it like this: “When you tell me that we’ll go to the cinema tomorrow night, I take it as a promise and expect it to be so. And when you have to stay late at work, and you come late, I get very upset. Please tell me in advance that it’s not working out for you. Agreed?”

By talking to a man in this way, you focus attention not on his personality, but on his behavior, thereby making it clear that you love him, and as a person you are completely satisfied with him.

Try to put these tips into practice and the results will not be long in coming!

No matter how different the couples may be, the reasons for quarrels and ways of expressing dissatisfaction are approximately the same for everyone

Avoid Criticism

No matter how different the couples may be, the reasons for quarrels and ways of expressing dissatisfaction are approximately the same for everyone. Psychologists and psychotherapists name phrases that especially hurt and offend men. Of course, most people have a limitless limit of patience, and if your partner once again doesn’t wash the dishes, leaves a mess, doesn’t get the gift right, or doesn’t pay enough attention to you, you want to tell him everything in full. And yet, if relationships are dear to you, you should not resort to harsh criticism.

"I KNOW IT'S LATE, BUT WE NEED TO TALK"

“When you want to discuss something, put it off until the morning. Conversations are more productive when both partners are rested and ready to talk. In old comedy series they loved scenes like this - when the wife demands to talk, and the husband wants to sleep. These days, the problem has reached epidemic proportions,” says psychotherapist Elizabeth Lamott.

“YOU LOOK LIKE A TEENAGER IN THESE SHORTS. DO YOU WANT TO CHANGE?

Don't you like it when your partner makes snide comments about their hair or their baggy T-shirt? He probably reacts the same way when you glance sideways at his trousers with pockets at the knees.

“What makes you think you have the right to set dress standards for him? And any “you should” will make him feel like you are trying to overly control him, explains psychotherapist Susan Heitler.

“It WOULD BE BETTER TO GIVE YOU A CARD”

Most likely, the partner was sure that the expensive handbag that the seller persuaded him to take demonstrated his generosity and care.

“Be sure to thank, even if deep down you are not so happy about the gift. Men want to look like winners in the eyes of their wives and are disappointed when their efforts are not appreciated. Therefore, it is better to express gratitude, and then somehow later mention which gift option might be more meaningful for you,” advises psychotherapist Gary Neiman.

“MY EX WOULD NEVER DO THIS”

“Comparing your husband to exes, girlfriends’ husbands, or reality TV characters is unfair and will cause him to begin to doubt whether you love him,” says psychotherapist Curt Smith.

“I CAN’T STAND IT WHEN YOU LEAVE DISHES IN THE SINK.”

There are right and wrong ways to express your dissatisfaction. Neither men nor women like to hear unconstructive criticism.

“Instead of criticizing, tell him that you would be very grateful if he did something that you think is right. “I really appreciate it when you... The more you show your appreciation, the more often you will receive it,” explains psychotherapist Tammy Nelson, author of The New Monogamy.

“YOU ONLY NEED SEX”

“Yes, it is an important part of life, but if you assume that your partner is doing something for you just for sex, you are insulting him. Men want sex and enjoy it, but they hate it when they are suspected of selfish motives. And even if these suspicions turn out to be true in this particular case, this does not mean that sex is the only reason why men are willing to do something,” says Gary Neumann.

"YOU NEVER..."

Throwing uncompromising accusations like “you always” or “you never” is a bad idea. No person “always” or “never” does something, so eliminate these words from your vocabulary. When discussing something, focus on what's happening now and don't make overly general statements about your partner's behavior, advises Tammy Nelson.

"YES, BUT..."

“If you agree with something, and then add “yes, but...”, then you seem to cross out everything that was said before. No man (or woman) likes to have his words thrown aside like that,” says Susan Heitler.

“DO YOU REMEMBER HOW YOU... (DID SOMETHING WRONG)”

Perhaps your partner once forgot to wish you a happy birthday or planned a meeting with friends on the weekend you were supposed to spend with your parents.

“No matter what his misconduct or mistake is in question, if you have already forgiven your husband, take care of your relationship and leave the mistake in the past. Many men feel as if they are constantly haunted by the past, because their wives do not forget a single mistake they have made. And every time they do something wrong, they are reminded of all their past misdeeds. If a man understands that his wife does not appreciate everything that he does well and correctly, then over time he simply stops listening to her,” explains Curt Smith.

***

The danger of these phrases is that they fly off the tongue, and we don’t have time to think that we can hurt a loved one with them. You won’t be able to eliminate them from your vocabulary overnight. First, try to catch yourself on them and gradually replace them with softer and more respectful ones. It's not that hard, especially if your relationship is worth it.published