The role of the father and mother in the upbringing of the girl. Mother's role in raising girls Mother's role in raising girls
A modern woman has many roles that we do not always manage to harmoniously combine. Therefore, when a girl is born in a family, it can be difficult to figure out in which direction to educate her. Parents want their baby to be successful in life, find her calling, and also be able to realize herself as a mother and wife. And along the way, we risk making many mistakes that will hinder her in adulthood.
A special role in the upbringing of a daughter lies with the mother, who lays down the guidelines for what a woman should be. Psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky gives 10 tips to mothers and grandmothers, warning them against common mistakes that could ruin their daughters' lives.
The most serious mistake that many mothers and grandmothers make when raising a daughter and, accordingly, a granddaughter, is programming her for a certain mandatory set of skills and qualities that she must possess. "You must be nice", "You must be accommodating", "You must like", "You must learn to cook", "You must..."
There is nothing wrong with the ability to cook, but the girl develops a flawed mindset: you will have value only if you meet a set of criteria. Here, a personal example will work much more effectively and without trauma for the psyche: let's cook delicious soup together. Let's get home together. Let's choose your hairstyle together. Seeing how mom does something and enjoys it, the daughter will want to learn this. And vice versa, if a mother hates some business, then no matter how much she repeats that this needs to be learned, the girl will have a subconscious rejection of the process. But in fact, everything that is needed, the girl will still learn sooner or later. When she needs it herself.
The second mistake that is often found in raising daughters is the heavy, judgmental attitude towards men and sex that is transmitted to her by her mother. “They all need one thing”, “Look, he will swear and leave”, “The main thing is not to bring it in the hem”, “You should be inaccessible.” As a result, the girl grows up with the feeling that men are aggressors and rapists, that sex is something dirty and bad that should be avoided. At the same time, her body will begin to send signals to her with age, hormones will begin to rage, and this internal contradiction between the prohibition coming from the mother and the desire coming from the inside is also very traumatic.
The third mistake, which surprisingly contrasts with the second, is that closer to the age of 20, the girl is told that her formula for happiness consists of "get married and give birth." And ideally - up to 25 years, otherwise it will be too late. Think about it: at first, in childhood, she was told that she should (list) in order to get married and become a mother, then for several years she was broadcast the idea that men are goats, and sex is dirt, and here again: get married and give birth. It is paradoxical, but often it is precisely such contradictory attitudes that mothers voice to their daughters. The result is a fear of relationships as such. And the risk of losing yourself, losing touch with your desires and realizing what the girl really wants is seriously increasing.
The fourth mistake is overprotection. Now this is a big problem, mothers are increasingly tying their daughters to themselves and surrounded by so many prohibitions that it becomes scary. Don’t go for a walk, don’t be friends with these, call me every half an hour, where you are, why you were late for 3 minutes. Girls are not given any freedom, they are not given the right to make decisions, because these decisions may turn out to be erroneous. But it normal! At the age of 14-16, a normal teenager goes through the process of separation, he wants to decide everything himself, and (with the exception of life and health issues) he needs to be given such an opportunity. Because if a girl grows up under her mother's heel, she will establish herself in the idea that she is a second-class creature, incapable of an autonomous existence, and other people will always decide everything for her.
The fifth mistake is the formation of a negative image of the father. It does not matter whether the father is present in the family or the mother raises the child without his participation, it is unacceptable to turn the father into a demon. You can’t tell a child that his shortcomings are bad heredity on the paternal side. It is impossible to denigrate the father, whatever he may be. If he really was a "goat", then the mother should also recognize her share of responsibility for the fact that she chose this particular person as the father of her child. It was a mistake, so the parents broke up, but the responsibility for the one who took part in the conception cannot be outweighed by the girl. She's definitely not at fault here.
In raising a girl, there should be a slightly different position of dad and mom. Mom can (and should) be tougher than dad here, drive her daughter and demand from her daughter. Combing your hair, making the bed, not walking around unassembled, preparing breakfast for everyone and washing the dishes - all this a mother can demand harshly from her daughter. More precisely, harshly, if necessary, because with attentive and wise upbringing, where mother herself is attentive and both father and grandmother help her, all this can be done without any rigidity. But dad - let dad be softer to his daughter. The daughter fulfills her mother's requirements because she needs to, and her father's requests - because she wants to. Another thing is that in the right family, the authority of the pope should be such that the mildest request from the father in fact raises everyone, and if dad suddenly doesn’t just ask for something, but demands, then this is done simply at the expense of “One” ... dad - do not argue.
It’s normal if dads spoil girls a little: and if she didn’t comb her hair and ran to him in a wrinkled dress, let his reaction be hug, kiss and admiration “You are my beauty!” And after that - "Go comb your hair, dear, and it's better to stroke the dress!" To love and pamper - yes, but if suddenly the daughter wants to compete with her mother for the attention and love of her father, she should not have a single chance. No matter how dad admires his cute daughter, the daughter should absolutely clearly know that his heart belongs primarily to her mother. Only in this case, the girl inside herself will say: "I will also have a beloved man when I grow up!", and this will become the basis for the formation of the correct femininity.
But the habit "It is said and done!" dad and mom can and should teach together. Without dissatisfied "I now, wait!" or “Well, mom, leave me alone!”, and if the parents asked for something seriously, then you need to immediately stop any other business, get up, smile and do what you asked. Such a habit is rare today, but it is she who will help your daughter to be internally organized in the future, help to avoid.
For every girl, mother is the closest person, best friend and main mentor. How to behave with a daughter in order to raise her a real woman?
1. Play with your daughter
You have a unique opportunity to play the best games for girls again or for the first time in your life: push dolls in a stroller, swaddle baby dolls, cook dinner for dad from plastic vegetables, dress up Barbie, play hopscotch and jump through a rubber band. As you know, joint games bring together - it is not in vain that most team building programs are built on them. And emotional intimacy is the key to a harmonious relationship.
2. Don't forget to nurture
Of course, a spoiled girl is not as terrible as a spoiled boy, but it's also not very pleasant. If you don’t want your daughter to grow up selfish, get into unpleasant stories and scare her friends away with her behavior, you will sometimes have to be strict. To stop tantrums, not to be manipulated, to explain what is good and what is bad. It is especially worth keeping an eye on grandparents: often it is they who overwhelm their granddaughters with gifts, carry them in their arms and feed from a spoon right up to the institute.
3. Do not transfer your experience to your daughter
Of course, the baby is very similar to you, but still she grows up in a completely different time, in a different environment and with different parents. And, besides, she is a person, moreover, completely unique. Therefore, forget about your experience, except for those life lessons of yours that can save her from danger. For example, if you roared and called for your mother in kindergarten all day, your girl will not necessarily do the same: maybe she will like it there and she will happily run to her friends every morning. If at the age of 13 you had an unhappy love for a high school student, it’s not at all a fact that your daughter will also experience this feeling. And if this happens, it will be a completely different boy and completely different from your situation. Therefore, think carefully before forbidding a girl to skate because you broke your leg in childhood, or refuse her requests to go to a music school, because “but my parents gave me away, so now I can’t see the violin ".
4. Don't betray her trust
The ideal mother is the one to whom you can tell about everything. She will not scream and swear when you yourself have already realized your guilt. Will not sting, criticize and ridicule your feelings and thoughts. She won't tell anyone about your secrets, not even her grandmother and best friend. She will take your feelings seriously and give good advice if you ask her. It makes no sense to hide something from such a mother, but lies and distrust are the most common problems in relations between children and parents.
5. Teach her to help around the house
It's great when the future wife and mother knows how and loves to cook (even the simplest dishes), keeps the house clean and tidy, irons clothes and sews on buttons. Of course, it’s easier and faster to do everything yourself by sending your daughter to watch cartoons so that she doesn’t interfere. But the future son-in-law will definitely not thank you for this ... It is better not to refuse the help of the baby, but to accustom her to this from an early age. The ideal age to involve your daughter in household chores is 2-3 years old. At this time, children themselves strive to imitate adults in everything and help them.
6. Create the image of an ideal man
A woman can be a real woman only thanks to men. So, the girl should be instilled with the correct idea of what an ideal man should be. If the crumbs have a clear authority among the strong half (most often it is dad, grandfather or older brother), try not to criticize this person in front of her, not speak negatively about him. Phrases like: "Don't repeat my mistakes, don't mess with someone like your father!" can cause severe psychological trauma to the girl. Better vice versa - emphasize the merits and positive features of your daughter's beloved man. At the same time, the ideal image of a girl should be close to reality: having hit perfectionism, you run the risk of raising a princess who will wait all her life for a prince on a white horse.
7. Don't mix roles
Some mothers are very stubborn in their desire to become a friend for their daughter: they either fall into childhood and begin to seriously study the family tree of little ponies, or, on the contrary, take girls with them to adult events, visit their friends and so on. Another common mistake is to demand that a girl tell her mother all the details of her life, down to insignificant trifles. Let your daughter share some secrets only with her peers, have her own hobbies and passions, personal space and time. The role of mother is special: she is not only a friend, but also an experienced mentor, teacher, adviser, and there is no point in giving up these roles.
Mom in our life is the dearest and closest person, especially for a girl, a mother should also become a mentor and best friend. And for this, the mother herself needs to know how to behave with her daughter so that the baby becomes a real woman in the future. We offer moms to get acquainted with 8 main rules that will help in communicating with their daughter.
Rule number 1. Play with your daughter!
No time? This is just an excuse! For your own child, it should always be. In addition, you have an amazing opportunity to remember your childhood and play long-forgotten games: daughters - mothers, roll dolls in a stroller, swaddle "classic" baby dolls, cook pastries from sand or a salad of plastic vegetables. Or maybe jump through the rubber band. The fact has long been known: joint games bring people together very much. Even many team building programs (team building) are built by psychologists on the basis of games. If we talk about emotional intimacy, which necessarily arises during the game, then it is a good basis for harmonious relationships.
Rule number 2. Education - first of all!
Spoiled children are unpleasant for others, and for parents - just a disaster. That is why if you, as a mother, do not want to see your daughter as an egoist who does not have real friends (who wants to be friends with such a friend!), Do not want her to be a participant in any unpleasant troubles, you have no choice but to be strict in education. What does it mean to be strict? Everything is quite simple: stop attacks, do not allow, be sure to tell what is good and what is bad. However, this is not all. An important point is the vigilant observation of grandparents, who quite often do not know the measure. What is it expressed in? In a large number of gifts, in permissiveness, the fulfillment of any whims of granddaughters. It is the grandmothers who carry their granddaughters in their arms and feed them with a spoon right up to the institute. Therefore, do not forget that the fruits of this will have to be reaped, first of all, by parents.
Rule number 3. Do not transfer your life experience to your daughter
Children are similar to their parents, but they grow up in a different time, in different conditions. It must be remembered that they are already personalities from the cradle, and completely unique. That is why you should not endlessly recall your life experience, of course, except for those situations that can save your daughter from danger. If you did not want to go to kindergarten and threw tantrums about this in the morning, then your daughter may be happy to attend kindergarten. And it won't be a daily problem. If at a transitional age you were “burned” by unrequited love and it was hard to get out of a state of depression, then this does not mean at all that your girl will repeat this bitter situation. Therefore, think carefully before forbidding a girl to skate because you broke your leg in childhood, or refuse her requests to go to a music school, because “but my parents gave me away, so now I can’t see the violin ". So, think several times before forbidding anything to the baby just because your experience was not very successful.
Rule number 4. Trust - yes, deceit - no!
It's great if a daughter can tell her mother about almost everything. This is an ideal mother who will not lecture, swear and scream when the realization of guilt has already come to her daughter. Will not sting, criticize and ridicule your feelings and thoughts. Such a mother will not talk down about the girl’s feelings, make fun of them and call them “childish”, which will soon pass, she will not tell the secrets of her daughter to anyone, even her grandmother or best friend, because this is their secret! She will take your feelings seriously and give good advice if you ask her. Why hide something from such a mother? This is an ideal picture of a relationship, but it often happens that distrust and lies become an insurmountable barrier in the relationship between children and parents. Avoid it!
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Rule number 5. Teach your daughter to help around the house
It is wonderful when a woman is a real keeper of the hearth. He cooks with pleasure, there is always order and comfort in the house. This should be taught to the daughter from an early age. No doubt, it’s faster and easier to do everything yourself, and take your daughter with cartoons or offer some other interesting activity, so long as it doesn’t spin under your feet. However, let's look into the future: will your daughter's husband be grateful that she does not know how to do anything around the house or does it somehow? Therefore, it is better to teach your daughter to help around the house. At the age of 2 to 3, children want to help and imitate adults in everything, so do not miss this moment.
Rule #6
You can not argue with the fact that a woman shows all her best feminine qualities thanks to men. The task of the mother is to instill in her daughter the correct idea of what a real man should be. However, the main thing here is not to go too far - the current image must correspond to reality, otherwise, having hit perfectionism, you risk raising a princess who will wait for a prince on a white horse all her life. If she has authority among the male half of her relatives (most often this is dad, grandfather or older brother), then you should avoid criticizing this person in the presence of your daughter, do not speak negatively about him. Phrases like: "Don't repeat my mistakes, don't mess with someone like your father!" can cause a girl severe psychological trauma to your daughter.
Rule #7
There are mothers who try so hard to become a friend to their daughter that they start doing stupid things. They either fall into a deep childhood, or they “draw” a little daughter into an adult circle, for example, they take them to adult parties. Another minus in the behavior of the mother is the requirement from the daughter of a full account of her life. Nothing good will come of this. Give your daughter the opportunity to have her secrets and share them with her friends, her hobbies, free time, finally. Remember that the role of a daughter's mother is special: a mother is a friend, an adviser, a teacher, and a mentor. Don't give up on these roles.
If a daughter is growing up in your family, then the main task of the mother is to convey to her the best of her life experience. We learned from perinatal psychologist Oksana Brezhneva about how mothers influence their daughters and how to properly raise daughters.
It is the mother who brings up a sense of taste, instills a love for beauty, teaches the girl to be feminine. By her example, she shows her daughter what a wife and mistress should be, how to build relationships with her husband and men in general. Mom teaches her daughter how to cook, take care of herself and take care of the house.
Mom should be shown how feminine she is and how valuable it is. Punishing your daughter for throwing toys around isn't the way to go, but keeping the house clean should be paramount. When this is done with love, daughters imitate. Often, girls tend to help their mother: they grab a broom or a mop, they undertake to wash the dishes, etc. You can’t refuse them this, although in fact the work is increasing. But if you forbid, expect that your daughter will lose her desire to do housework.
Most often, a mother for girls is the closest friend, it is with her that they can discuss the most intimate, it is she who is trusted with their secrets and it is she who is asked for advice. Mom should be wise, patient and restrained, because for her daughter she is a living example of an “ideal woman”.
One of the important aspects that a mother must convey to her daughter is her attitude towards men in general, and this happens, in particular, through her relationship with her husband. A woman should respect her man, and if disagreements arise, then resolve them in a constructive way and not with a child. Remember that the girl adopts the experience of the mother, even in those moments when she is not around. If a woman undermines the authority of a man, then the daughter is unlikely to behave differently. In addition, someday she may even begin to “impudently be rude” to her father, proving her case.
Communication between mother and mother is also important. Remember that children learn not in theory, but in practice. Treat your mother with respect - and by your example you will show how parents should be treated.
With regard to sex education, it is important to emphasize the difference between the roles of men and women. Let the girl know that she is a future mother and wife. It is useful in childhood to support the game of the mother-daughter, and in the older one - to talk with her on “women's topics”.
And if you suddenly don’t like something about your already adult daughter’s behavior, her appearance or her way of dressing, talk about how you feel in this situation, and not about what you think your daughter thinks or should think. The most important thing is to transfer your relationship with your daughter from a position of exactingness to a position of trust in time and thus change your role in your daughter's life.
