Active listening for parents. Active listening technique. Psychologist's advice. Self-perception message

How to learn active listening?

With seeming ease, skills active listening are not given so easily. There are special courses where you can learn this; psychologists conduct training "Active listening", which can be very useful for everyone who has to deal with children: parents and teachers. Active listening techniques can, of course, also be used in conversations with adult interlocutors. However, in working with children and adolescents, these skills are of particular importance.

How to use active listening? Examples from life can be very different. Let's say a class teacher is having a conversation with a student whose performance in several subjects has dropped sharply.

Student: I don't want to study chemistry, I don't need it in my life.

Teacher: You think that you won't need chemistry in your life.

Student: Yes, I'm not going to study to be a doctor or a chemist, and no one needs this subject anymore.

Teacher: You think that you should teach only those subjects that you will need in the future in your future profession.

Student: Yes, of course. Why waste time on something that will never be needed?

Teacher: You have firmly chosen your future profession and you know exactly what knowledge you will need in it and what knowledge you will not.

Student: I think so. I have wanted to be a journalist for a long time and I mainly deal with the subjects that I need: Russian, foreign, literature ...

Teacher: Do you think that a journalist needs to know only Russian, foreign, literature.

Student: Of course not. A journalist must be erudite ... Well, okay, I understand, I'll learn a little ...

Of course, after this conversation, the student will not necessarily begin to take the chemistry lesson more seriously, but in any case, the teacher made him think. It may be worth summing up this conversation with some kind of self-message: “It will upset me very much if you realize that you still need the item, but it will be too late” - or something like that.

When comparing active and passive listening, it must be kept in mind that silent listening is not necessarily passive. If you show interest in the conversation, look at your interlocutor, empathize with him, demonstrating it in every possible way, then you are listening actively, even if you are silent at the same time. Often there are times when a child needs to speak out. In this case, he needs a listener, not an interlocutor, but a real, active listener - someone who really sympathizes with him, empathizes, understands his emotional state. It will be enough if the child will see empathy in your face. In this case, wedging into his monologue is not very reasonable: you can just knock the child down, and he will leave without speaking out.

Active listening techniques can be very helpful class teacher. But it is quite possible to use them in the classroom, especially when it comes to a humanitarian subject, when schoolchildren often express their opinion about some events or a read work. In this case, you need to remember a few rules.

Never replace the child's words with your own reasoning.

Do not finish speaking for the child, even if you are sure that you have already understood him.

Do not attribute to him feelings and thoughts that he did not talk about.

It is necessary to renounce one's own opinions and one's own thoughts, try to throw all the intellectual and emotional forces into understanding another person, adjusting to him.

It is necessary to demonstrate your interest in all ways: verbally (I understand you; I agree with you) and non-verbally (look at the interlocutor, trying to ensure that the look is approximately on the same level: if the child is sitting, then better teacher also sit, if standing, then stand, if the child is small, then you can squat down; keep an expression of interested attention on your face; try to make the face express the same emotions that the interlocutor experiences - in this case it will be easier for the child to express what he thinks.

Sometimes this leads to surprising consequences: the student manages to look at the problem differently, to suddenly become aware of those thoughts and feelings that he was not aware of before, but they matured in the depths of his consciousness.

As a result of active listening, the teenager himself realizes what was previously almost hidden from him, what he did not pay attention to, and now, when he began to speak to an attentive interlocutor, he suddenly noticed and understood. And of course, the result of active listening will be that the teacher will understand the students better, which means that it will be easier for him to work with them.

P.S. By the way, active listening techniques work well with women too, because they want to be listened to - and nothing more. But that is another topic…

What is active listening

Under active listening J. Gippenreiter understands various techniques that help adults better understand the child and show him their interest.

Active listening involves the perception of the full amount of information that the interlocutor wants to convey. You can't argue with the author. Misunderstanding is indeed a problem, because often we hear something completely different from what our interlocutor had in mind, and this can lead to sad consequences: misunderstandings, resentment, and in the long run - to serious conflicts, alienation.

The classic example of this misunderstanding is the "invisibility effect"; it was first described by the English prose writer G. Chesterton in the story "The Invisible Man". Several people who watched the house at the request of the detective said that no one had entered there. However, the corpse of a man who was alive just before that was found inside. Everyone is at a loss: who committed the crime? The protagonist guesses that all the observers, when answering the question, did anyone enter the house, actually meant the question: “Did anyone suspicious enter?”. In fact, a postman entered the building, but no one mentioned him, as the observers did not understand the question accurately.

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Something similar we can often observe in our lives. We mean one thing, and our interlocutor understands something else. After all, we all perceive information in the amount of our own life experience, and often also our own expectations, sometimes biased. In this regard, the technique of active listening, which helps to accurately understand the interlocutor, is of particular importance both in the life of any person, and - especially! - in the work of a teacher and in the life of a parent.

Techniques and techniques for active listening

Reception "Echo"

The first of these is the "Echo" technique; its essence is that the adult repeats part of his statement after the child. You can paraphrase a few, pick up synonyms. For example, a child says: “I won’t do your stupid control!”. The teacher repeats, "You don't want to do this test." Despite the fact that it looks somewhat like a mockery, such an “echo” not only does not lead to offense, but, on the contrary, causes a desire to clarify one’s phrase by continuing the dialogue in a more or less rational way.

Paraphrasing

Another technique is paraphrasing; the teacher, as it were, retells what he has already heard, trying to clarify whether he understood the interlocutor correctly. Often this is indeed necessary, because we do not always speak clearly enough for everyone, because the speech of each person contains many omissions, hints. All this is clear to the speaker, but not always obvious to the listener.

Interpretation

Finally, the third technique is interpretation. This is a conclusion, "squeezing" from all that has been said.

In more detail, the methods of active listening of the child can be divided into the following groups.

Pause

The essence of this technique is as follows: if we see that the interlocutor has not yet fully expressed himself, we must give him the opportunity to speak fully, to pause. No need to try to finish speaking for him, even if it seems to us that we already understand everything. A pause is often necessary for a child in order to think about what he himself thinks on this topic, to formulate his attitude, his opinion. This is his time, and he must spend it himself.

Clarification

We need to ask the interlocutor to clarify whether we understood correctly what he means. This is often necessary, because perhaps you misunderstand the child's thought and see in it something bad or simply not in line with his intention.

In this regard, it is useful to recall the parable of the two apples. Mom entered the room and saw two apples in her little daughter's hands. “What beautiful apples! Mom said. “Give me one, please!” The girl looked at her mother for a few seconds, and then quickly bit off both apples. Mom was very upset: is it really a pity for her daughter for her apple? But she didn’t have time to get upset properly, because the baby immediately handed her one of the apples and said: “Here, mommy, take this: it’s sweeter!” This parable reminds us how easy it is to misunderstand a person, to misinterpret his actions or words.

retelling

This active listening technique involves retelling in your own words what we heard from the interlocutor. Its purpose is to show its interest, and also so that the interlocutor can correct us if we misunderstood something. In addition, retelling allows you to draw some intermediate conclusion from the conversation.

Development of thought

This is a response to what was said by the interlocutor, but with some perspective; the adult, as it were, continues the thought of the child, suggests what these events or actions can lead to, what their causes could be, and so on.

Perception message

This technique consists in the fact that an adult tells the child that he understood him. We are talking about a specific verbal message, but it is advisable to show it non-verbally: look into the face of the interlocutor, nod, assent. It is unacceptable to talk while standing with your back or looking away.

Self-perception message

This is a message about your emotional state in connection with the conversation. For example, like this: I'm upset, your words upset me; Or: I'm glad to hear it. This is a typical "I-message", but in connection with the conversation, it shows the presence of emotional contact.

Notes during the conversation

These are small inferences about the flow of the conversation that are desirable when using the active listening technique; examples: “I think we have discussed this issue”, “I think we have come to a common conclusion”, and the like.

The main task of the parent is to describe the world. I already wrote about grades and evaluation - what am I, mom ?! Silence cannot be said. In this context, the role of the parent is extremely important and cannot be ignored. In addition to the realistic naming / evaluation / reflection of characteristics visible to the eye, even more significant and necessary for the child is the evaluation of his inner world.

Active listening, or assistive listening, as it is also called, is designed to help the parent correctly identify the feelings of the child. I would rename it to "understanding listening" so as not to introduce parents into a variegated associative series for the word "active".

Psychologists are struggling to teach adult aunts and uncles to name their feelings, and even worse, to feel their feelings. Many adults don't really know the name of what they are experiencing inside. It is difficult to distinguish sadness from boredom, melancholy from sadness.

Therefore, it is important to start doing this in childhood - to name the feelings experienced by the child in the same way as we call them the trees and mushrooms in the forest. Young mothers have already taken the habit, very useful, of talking to babies, describing to them literally everything around. The next step is to accustom yourself to describing / naming / reflecting / evaluating everything that is inside the child.

Active listening involves the ability to "return" to the child what he says emotionally, while indicating his emotions. For example, when a baby screams - "She took my doll from me!", the parent tells her her feelings - "You are angry with her and upset"; "I'm not going to class!" - "You don't want to go to class anymore"; "I won't wear this dress!" "You don't like this dress."

The parent acknowledges the feelings of the child. Thus, he legitimizes them, accepts the right of the child to have these feelings.

Parents' usual answers - " She will play and give back", "Classes cannot be missed", "This Nice dress! "- are quite obvious, but do not fulfill the main parental task. These messages tell the child that his experiences are not noticed, which means that they are not important and are not taken into account.

Answering from the position of an active listener, the parent "voices" the feelings and emotions of the child. The more often this happens, the faster the child learns to recognize and differentiate his experiences.

At the same time, voice acting shows the child that the parent understands his inner state, and he accepts it. Acceptance is the most important and significant condition for a child to live next to his parents, influencing his future destiny. And most often, the child needs precisely understanding of his feelings and acceptance of them, that is, permission to have them as they are. The demand for a book, a typewriter, a doll, or to punish a brother is just compensation for misunderstood and unaccepted feelings. Showing understanding and acceptance through voicing the feelings of the child, the parent sometimes resolves emerging conflicts and disputes in the most miraculous way.

During active listening, it is important to follow a few rules:

It is necessary to speak with the child, turning to face him so that your eyes are on the same level. For a child, this is a sign of the parent's willingness to listen and hear.
The strong emotional intensity of the child requires the construction of phrases in the affirmative form. If the child is obviously upset, angry, or crying, he should not be asked questions about his condition, for example, " You're offended?". Affirmative answer - " You resented her"- will indicate to the child sympathy, but the question of sympathy does not imply.
In a conversation, it is important not to fill the silence with your thoughts and comments. After each phrase, it is better to pause so that the child can more fully feel the presence of the parent next to his feelings and live his experience. During pauses, a lot of inner work takes place, which can be seen in outward signs- the child looks to the side, inward or into the distance.
The parent can first name what happened, and then reflect the feelings of the child. For example, "I won't play with Tanya anymore!"- can be described as unwillingness to be friends - "You don't want to be friends with her anymore", and then the child will most likely confirm this, after which the parent reflects his state - " You are angry with her". Here, the parent may not guess what really happened the first time. It's not scary, it's more important to name his feelings correctly. The child himself will correct and direct to the correct description of what happened if he sees that the parent accepts his experiences.

Active listening actually brings great results:

Understanding feelings and accepting them works to reduce negative affects and strengthen positive ones.
The child begins to talk more about himself when he is convinced that the parents are ready to accept his experiences.
Unwinding a tangle of unvoiced feelings, the parent helps the child to move forward in resolving his questions and problems.
An unobvious but pleasant bonus is the fact that children learn active listening from their parents and begin to apply this technique on their parents themselves.
Another bonus for parents is their own transformation: they more easily accept the negative experiences of the child, at the same time becoming more sensitive to his condition.

The latter result, in turn, facilitates the application of active listening, moving it from the category of an initially uncomfortable technique to the category of a skill and art of communication.

ACTIVE LISTENING TECHNIQUES IN PRESCHOOL CHILDREN

Teacher - psychologist

I care for you, I accept you, I understand you." Such a message given to a child as basic foundation conversation will affect the way he thinks and feels (towards himself and others).

The causes of a child's difficulties are often hidden in the sphere of his feelings. Then practical actions - to show, to teach, to direct - will not help him. In such cases, it is best ... to listen to him. However, it is different from what we are used to. Psychologists have found and described in great detail the method of "assisted listening", otherwise it is called "active listening".
What does it mean to actively listen to a child?

In all cases when a child is upset, offended, failed, when he is hurt, ashamed, scared, when he was treated rudely or unfairly, and even when he is very tired, the first thing to do is to let him know that you know about his experience (or state), "hear" him.
To do this, it is best to say what exactly, in your impression, the child is feeling right now. It is advisable to call "by name" this feeling or experience. If a child has an emotional problem, he should be actively listened to.

Actively listening to a child means “returning” to him in a conversation what he told you, while denoting his feeling.

Let's take an example:

Mom enters her daughter's room and sees the mess.

MOM: Nina, you still haven't cleaned your room!
DAUGHTER: Well, mom, then!
MOM You really don't want to get out now...
DAUGHTER (unexpectedly throws herself on her mother's neck): Mom, how wonderful you are!

Another case.
Father and son hurried to the bus. The bus was the last one, and it was impossible to miss it. On the way, the boy asked to buy a chocolate bar, but dad refused. Then the offended son began to sabotage his father's haste: to lag behind, look around, stop for some "urgent" matters. Dad faced a choice: he couldn’t be late, and he also didn’t want to drag his son by force by the hand. And then he remembered our advice “Denis,” he turned to his son, “you were upset because I didn’t buy you a chocolate bar, you were upset and offended by me.”
As a result, something that dad did not expect at all happened: the boy peacefully put his hand in his dad's, and they quickly walked towards the bus.

Not always, of course, the conflict is resolved so quickly. Sometimes a child, feeling the readiness of a father or mother to listen and understand him, willingly continues to talk about what happened. An adult can only actively listen to him further.

Let us give an example of a longer conversation in which the mother several times “voiced” what she heard and saw while talking with crying baby.
Mom is busy with a business conversation. Her five-year-old daughter and ten-year-old son are playing in the next room. Suddenly there is a loud cry. Crying approaches my mother's door, and the handle begins to twitch from the direction of the corridor. Mom opens the door, in front of her stands, buried in the jamb, a crying daughter, and behind her is a confused son.

DAUGHTER: Wow!
MOM: Misha offended you... (Pause.)
DAUGHTER (continues to cry): He dropped me-and-silt!
MOM: He pushed you, you fell and hurt yourself... (Pause.)
DAUGHTER (stopping crying, but still in an offended tone): No, he didn't catch me.
MOM: You were jumping from somewhere, but he didn’t hold you back, and you fell ... (Pause.)

Misha, who is standing behind him with a guilty look, nods his head in the affirmative.

DAUGHTER (already calmly): Yes ... I want to see you. (Climbing on her mother's lap.)
MOM (after a while): You want to be with me, but you are still offended by Misha and don’t want to play with him ...
DAUGHTER: No. He listens to his records there, but I'm not interested.
MISH: Okay, let's go, I'll play your record for you ...

There are some important features and additional rules of conversation according to the method of active listening.
First, if you want to listen to the child, be sure to turn around to face him. It is also very important that his and your eyes are on the same level. If the child is small, sit down next to him, take him in your arms or on your knees; you can gently pull the child to you, come up or move your chair closer to him.

Avoid communicating with the child while in another room, facing the stove or sink with dishes; watching TV, reading a newspaper; sitting, leaning back in a chair or lying on a sofa. Your position in relation to him and your posture are the first and strongest signals about how ready you are to listen and hear him. Be very attentive to these signals, which a child of any age “reads” well, without even realizing it consciously.

Second, if you are talking to an upset or distressed child, you should not ask him questions. It is desirable that your answers sound in the affirmative form.

Active listening conversation is very unfamiliar to our culture and not easy to master. However, this method will quickly win you over as soon as you see the results it gives. There are at least three of them. They can also be signs that you are listening to your child properly. Let's list them:

1. Disappears or at least greatly weakens the negative experience of the child. There is a remarkable regularity here: joy shared is doubled, grief shared is halved.

2. The child, having made sure that the adult is ready to listen to him, begins to talk more and more about himself: the topic of the narration (complaint) changes, develops. Sometimes in one conversation a whole tangle of problems and sorrows suddenly unwinds.

3. The child himself is moving forward in solving his problem.

Success inspires parents, they begin to relate to “technology” differently and at the same time notice something new in themselves. They feel that they become more sensitive to the needs and sorrows of the child, easier to accept his "negative" feelings. Parents say that over time they begin to find more patience in themselves, get less annoyed with the child, it is better to see how and why he feels bad. It turns out that the “technique” of active listening turns out to be a means of transforming parents. We think we "apply" it to children, and it changes us. This is her wonderful hidden property.

Literature

B, “Communicate with the child. How?” / M. Astrel Publishing House, 2006. “I'm listening to you” / M .: 1984. “We continue to communicate with the child So?” M.

Astrel Publishing House, 2008.

If you are talking to an upset or upset child, you should not ask him questions. It is desirable that your answers sound in the affirmative form. For example: Son (with a gloomy look): I will no longer hang out with Petya! Parent: You were offended by him. Possible incorrect remarks: -What happened? - Are you mad at him? A phrase framed as a question does not reflect sympathy.

In your answer, it is also sometimes helpful to repeat what you understand happened to the child, and then indicate his feelings. Son (with a gloomy look): I will no longer hang out with Petya! Father: You don't want to be friends with him anymore. (Repetition of what was heard) Son: Yes, I don’t want to ... Father (after a pause): You were offended by him ... (Designation of feelings).

Three results of active listening. 1. Disappears or at least greatly weakens the negative experience of the child. 2. The child, making sure that the adult is ready to listen to him, begins to talk more and more about himself. 3. The child himself is moving forward in solving his problem.

Hometasks. 1. Before you is a table in which you need to fill in the "feelings of the child" column. In the left column you will find a description of the situation and the words of the child, on the right write how you think he feels in this case. Don't think about your answer just yet. Situation and words of the child Feelings of the child Your answer 1. (Sample): “Today, when I was leaving school, a hooligan boy knocked out my briefcase and everything spilled out of it.” 2. (The child was given an injection, cries): "The doctor is bad!" 3. (The eldest son to his mother): “You always protect her, say “little, little”, but you never feel sorry for me.” 4. “Today, at the math lesson, I didn’t understand anything and told the teacher about it, and all the guys laughed.” 5. (The child drops the cup, it breaks): “Oh!!! My cha-a-shechka! 6. (Flies in the door): “Mom, you know, I wrote first today and passed the test!”. 7. “Wow, I forgot to turn on the TV, and there was a sequel to the movie!”. Disappointment, resentment You were very upset, and it was very insulting.

Task two. Write in the third column your answer to the child's words. Indicate in this phrase the feeling that (in your opinion) he is experiencing. Task three. Start doing the same in your daily communication with the child: notice the moments of his various experiences when he is offended, upset, afraid, unwilling, tired, angry, joyful, impatient, carried away ... and name them in your appeal to him. Don't forget about the narrative (not interrogative) form of your remark and the pause after your words.

To learn to understand your child well, you need to learn to listen to him. If you do not have the time or desire to listen to what the child wants to tell you, you should not even start, psychologists say. In order to establish contact between the child and parents, the latter need to learn how to tune in to the child as a communication partner whenever he wants to talk, give Special attention to the child and his problem, to be able to put himself in his place. Psychologists advise using the technique of active listening in communicating with children, which will help to avoid misunderstanding and distrust.

At the core active listening techniques lies in the understanding of the state of the child, the return to him of his own information and the designation of the emotions associated with it. After all, it is very important for a child that parents understand how he feels, and not just understand the situation, finding out the events and facts that have occurred.

By active listening technique you need to start understanding the problem by reflecting the emotions of the child and putting them into verbal form. Thus, in response to the child’s statement “I will no longer be friends with Dima”, parents must first repeat what he said, confirming that the child was heard: “You don’t want to be friends with him anymore”, and then indicate the emotion that the child feels about this: "You resented him." It is such an affirmative answer that will make it clear to the child that they are ready to listen to him and he will want to continue discussing this problem. Seeing the upset look of the baby, you can simply affirmatively say “Something happened” and then it will be easier for the child to start his story.

Whereas, the questions "What happened?" and “Why are you mad at him?” do not carry feelings of empathy, showing the interest of parents in events, and not in the emotions of the child, who is left alone with his feelings. In addition to the question "What happened?" a frustrated child may answer "Nothing" and the conversation will not work.

When the child's contact with his parents is established, and the child understands that his feelings are not indifferent to adults, he tunes in to a conversation. Further clarification of the circumstances is based on the questions of the adult and the answers of the child. In the process of such a conversation, the child pronounces the problem and finds ways to solve it himself.

The technique of active listening has its own rules for conducting a conversation.

1. If you are ready to listen to the child, turn to face him so that your eyes are on the same level with the eyes of the child.

2. When you repeat from the words of the child what happened and indicate his feelings about this, make sure that the baby does not think that he is being mimicked. Speak in a natural, calm voice, use other words with the same meaning.

3. During the conversation, try to refrain from your thoughts and comments and try to pause after the child's answers. Do not rush the child, give him the opportunity to think about his experiences and gather his thoughts. If the child looks to the side, into the distance or “inside”, then pause, because at this moment a very important and necessary inner work is taking place in the child.

4. Avoid things that get in the way of active listening:
questioning, using guesses, interpretations;
advice and ready-made solutions;
orders, warnings, threats;
criticism, insult, accusations, ridicule;
moralizing, reading notations;
sympathy in words, persuasion;
joking, avoiding conversation.

The results of the use by parents of the technique of active listening to the child:

The negative experience of the child is weakened, and positive experiences are intensified according to the principle: shared joy is doubled, shared grief is halved.

Convincing a child that an adult is ready to listen to him gives rise to a desire to talk with an adult and talk about himself.

Speaking and thinking about the problem, which occurs in the process of the child's answering questions from adults, helps him to find a suitable solution himself.