What to do if your husband doesn’t want children: advice from a psychologist. The second husband does not want a second child - advice from a psychologist Agree on the number of children before the wedding

Some time after the birth of their first child, many families think about having a second child. And this is correct, because children with a small age difference are always closer friend friend, and the parents are full of strength to raise and educate both. When both parents consider the addition to the family to be quite natural, this is simply wonderful. But what to do if dad is against it?

Situations in which a woman dreams of adding to her family, but her husband does not want it, are, unfortunately, not uncommon. Sometimes a woman encounters indifference or even irritation and anger on the part of her husband. And if pregnancy has already occurred, he insists on an abortion.

If your husband doesn’t want a second child, what should he do? Why doesn’t he want to? How to convince a man, persuade him? Let's figure it out together:

Why is my husband against it?

In such a situation, you should not put pressure on a man, much less use emotions, which in this case are unlikely to help. Try to find out the reason for his reluctance to become a father for the second time, talk to him frankly. Psychologists call many possible reasons. Let's look at the most common ones:

Financial situation

He is simply afraid that the family will no longer have enough money, especially if the family is not rich anyway. After all, children need to be fed, clothed, put on shoes, bought toys, ready for school, and you never know what a family needs.

In addition, the firstborn is still small, his wife does not work. The man is seriously afraid that he won’t have enough money for a quality vacation or for some of his own hobbies. And it is more difficult to provide two children with a good education than one.

If this is the reason, wait until the end before starting a conversation about a second child. maternity leave and go to work. If you are a housewife, then you need to get a job. This will provide an additional influx of finance. In addition, your arguments can be the things of the firstborn, from which he grew up, his toys, etc. There is no need to spend extra on all this.

Housing issue

Unfortunately, very few young families have their own spacious housing. Most either rent small apartments, rooms, or live with their parents, or even with brothers and sisters. As the head of a family, a man understands that the birth of another child will worsen already not very comfortable living conditions. Therefore, the lack of a spacious apartment where it would be comfortable for everyone and not crowded is a good reason against.

However, try to explain to him that while the child is small, he does not need much space. Over time, you can install a bunk bed for children; it will take up the same amount of space as a regular one. A weighty argument could be maternal capital, which can be used to improve the family’s living conditions.

Man's age

Young men often do not want a second child, because they believe that youth is fading, but they want to live for themselves too. They want to do everything while they are young: travel, complete or further their education, pursue a career, etc. And the birth of another baby can be planned “for later.”

If this is the reason, tell him that it is better to raise children now, when parents are young They still have a lot of strength, health and energy for this. In 5-10 years, all this may no longer exist. And it is better to meet old age in a large family.

Fear of wife's second pregnancy

The fact is that men remember very well how their wife did not want it, and how her wife changed appearance. They don’t forget about sleepless nights after the birth of a child, diapers, diapers, searching for what they need baby food, frequent quarrels, etc. This may not be a reason for a woman, but for a man it is a compelling argument.

Women often stop paying enough attention to their husbands after the birth of a child, giving all their attention and love to the baby. Men are very worried, although they may not show it. Often during this period there are love affairs on the side. Moreover, many reasons bad habits men may have roots precisely in this period.

What to do?

If he is against it, don't panic or get upset. Begin gradually preparing your loved one, step by step, day by day. Never put pressure on him, don’t make a scene or go ahead. You'll only make it worse. Moreover, do not confront him with the fact that pregnancy has already happened - this can only worsen the situation.

Don’t lie to yourself or to him, saying that this time you will get through pregnancy easily, you will cope with hormonal imbalance, you will not become irritated and capricious. That you will treat him as you do now, you will get up to see the baby at night and wash the diapers. Don’t say that you won’t gain weight and that you will take good care of yourself.

It’s better to tell him how dear he is to you, how much you love him, that you want to have a baby from him, but you don’t just want an abstract child. Remember, you should make this important decision only together, because that’s what you and family are for.

Be patient, unobtrusively return to this issue, gently persuade. Tell me how great it is to have a big one friendly family how interesting he will be with the children when they grow up.

If he insists on abortion

This situation is extremely difficult for a woman. When pregnancy has occurred, and the man is categorically against the child and insists on an abortion, this is a real tragedy for the woman. Therefore, we need to remind you once again that you need to plan the birth together. Then you won’t have to make a terrible choice - give birth or kill the emerging life. Moreover, it is always worth remembering this.

You need to understand that the onset of pregnancy will not deter your husband if he does not want a child. A woman risks being left alone with two babies in her arms. But even if you have an abortion, it is unlikely to help save your family.

If your loved one insists on getting rid of pregnancy, talk to him, explain what it is and how it can affect the woman’s health, that there is a high risk of remaining childless for life. Men often do not understand the dangers of abortion, considering it a simple medical procedure, no more dangerous than going to the dentist.

Show him the ultrasound results, tell him that you don’t want to kill the child of your loved one. Explain why abortion is dangerous for you and for your health. If he loves you and takes care of you, he will definitely understand.

Try to understand that fatherhood, unlike motherhood, is not a natural instinct - it is a purely social phenomenon. Therefore, fatherly feelings do not come to a man immediately. Maybe he will feel like a dad a month after the baby is born, or maybe in a year or several years. For some they don't come at all. Therefore, a lot depends on you. The right tactics, plus his feelings for you, will most likely help you convince him.

If your husband has bad habits, he suffers from cravings for alcohol or drugs, then think about whether you need a pregnancy from this person?

In conclusion of our conversation, it is necessary to recall that when planning a pregnancy, a woman should be confident in her state of health. also needs to be submitted. Therefore, if you both decide to have another child, pay attention to your immune system. Here are two folk recipes to strengthen the body's defenses and increase its resistance to diseases:

Traditional recipes to boost immunity

Grind well-washed dried fruits with a blender or using a meat grinder (it’s easier to use an electric one): figs, dried apricots, figs and raisins, of which take 50-100 g each. Add the same amount of chopped almonds or walnuts. Place in a jar and add enough honey to cover the surface of the mixture. Stir and store in the cold. Eat 1-2 tbsp per day.

When in season, eat fresh cranberries and lingonberries. Prepare fruit drinks, add leaves to tea leaves. The berries contain many useful substances and effectively strengthen immune system. Be healthy and happy!

Svetlana, www.site

There are various problems between spouses that require increased responsibility when solving. Among such issues is the number of heirs who should appear in the family.

In many situations, a woman admits: her husband does not want a second child. So if husband doesn’t want a second child, advice from a psychologist can help solve the problem. The most important thing is not to put pressure on loved one and avoid conflict situations, showing a desire to preserve married life.

What could be the reason for the lack of desire for a second heir?

The birth of a child is unlikely to save a broken marriage

The wife may decide to use all sorts of ways to return the love and improve the relationship. If the feelings pass, the baby will not be able to strengthen the union. This is understood by a man who does not want to rush into making any decision.

A woman should be prepared for the uncertainty of having a child with a man precisely because of the lack of desire to live with a woman. Even if pregnancy occurs and an heir appears, the husband may leave the family.

Don't expect the little person's help to improve the situation.

Barriers in marital relationships

Every woman should remember that a happy family based on mutual love and harmony. The husband and wife should feel happiness in the existing relationship so that disputes and conflicts do not develop later. If a barrier arises, it may become stronger. In this situation, the man will not want to become a father.

A woman can improve the situation if she tries to adequately assess all the circumstances and understand the true cause of the problem. If you wish, give birth to a baby for yourself, remembering that you must take care of him in any circumstances. Unfortunately, many men do not have the instinct of fatherhood, because they, first of all, strive for a career and material well-being.

If your husband does not want a second child, advice from a psychologist can help resolve the issue, but be prepared for increased responsibility.

Two children is a lot

The size of the average urban family has changed. In most cases, people only raise one child. The reasons for this situation are different, but they are all typical. The birth rate of children is decreasing, as evidenced by official statistics.

A man finds it difficult to tolerate the emotional detachment and physical changes of his chosen one , understanding that the child needs to be actively cared for, paying special attention to him. For this reason, the husband may fear a feeling of inferiority and deprivation of attention and tenderness, as a result of which he gains confidence that the second child will become superfluous in the family. Psychologists recommend changing your attitude towards your spouse and giving him attention, despite the fact that time and energy may not be enough.

Remember the importance of marital love and strive to be close to your soulmate.

One child for two families

This problem appears to be common among men who remarry. The affected persons are the wife of the man who is the father of the child from the previous family, as well as the man who is the stepfather. Most likely, none of the two of them will be able to fully enjoy fatherhood and motherhood. It is impossible to give universal advice. If a man does not want to become a father for the second time, a woman will not enjoy pregnancy and raising a baby. However a mature and financially secure woman should take the chance to become a mother , bring your purpose to life.

In this regard, if you are interested in what to do if your husband does not want a second child, carefully study the advice of psychologists and understand that the ideal option is to have a baby for yourself.

My husband doesn’t want a second child: how to find a way out of the situation

How should you act to save your marriage? What should you do if you want to preserve family relationships? IN Lately such questions become relevant.

You can agree on the number of children before marriage. This option is ideal, as it increases the chances of a harmonious family life. Try to have a specific conversation on a topic of interest, with the obligatory expression of opinions, and then discussion.

Remember: manipulation is prohibited . A woman should not lie to her beloved man who is not ready to increase his family. You should not allow anyone to lie about their pregnancy.

Persuasion is a manipulation characterized by persistence. Persistence and whining cause a negative aftertaste in the husband , so do not count on optimal results from the lesson.

Decent option - desire to find mutual understanding. You can discuss any issues with your husband and try to understand how best to proceed. Try to understand your soulmate. Conversation with the desire to find mutual understanding may be a way out of this situation.

• You can try to explain to your husband how important the birth of a baby is.
• Try dispel fears and prejudices men.
• Give an example families in which several friendly children are growing up.
• Take help from reputable people for husband, for example, relatives, first child, good friends.

When thinking about the fact that your husband does not want a second child, you can use the advice of a psychologist to your advantage.

Remember: family must be valued and protected.

What to do if your husband doesn’t want children at all - advice from a psychologist

During the survey of young fathers, the following conclusions were drawn: Toevery second man had a hard time deciding on a new role as a parent .

At the same time, women themselves often aggravate the situation, not knowing how to correctly convey their message to their husband, who for certain reasons cannot, does not want, or is afraid to have a child. This problem is overgrown with scandals, misunderstandings, and irritation. And in the end it may even lead to divorce.

If the husband does not want a second child, the psychologist’s advice boils down to the woman tried to take the place of her loved one, sincerely trying to understand his motives. The same applies to men who do not understand how important it is for a woman to realize herself as a mother.

Why does this happen and how to achieve mutual understanding on such a complex issue?

Fear of responsibility

Some husbands claim that they are not against having a child together, but not now, but in a few years. So that by that time you have a car, an apartment, an established business - in general, so that the child does not need anything.

What should you do: try talk more with your husband about childhood, go to visit friends who are raising children .

Perhaps the faithful will understand that having children is not so scary.

He is not sure that he wants children from you.

This is one of the common reasons why a man refuses to become a parent. Listen to his words, maybe your loved one is not sure of his feelings for you and that in a couple of years you will still be together.

What should you do: stop talking about procreation until the internal conflict is resolved .

In the same case, when you have been living with your husband for many years, and only recently has he begun to react with irritation to thoughts about a child, most likely you have a rival.

He already has a child from a previous relationship

Men are built differently than women. If for you the birth of a child is proof of love, it is not necessary that your man views procreation in the same way. And even more so if he has children from a previous marriage and your husband does not want a second child.

The advice of a psychologist suggests that, most likely, a man is frightened by the thought of sleepless nights and eternal children's crying . May cause and pangs of conscience : after all, the children from the previous marriage were left without a father, and the man does not want to move away from them even more.

What should you do: let your husband understand that when a new child appears, he will be able to communicate with his older children in the same way .

If the reason is not wanting to experience inconvenience again, try to prove that the joy of having a baby is much stronger.

When health does not allow

The topic of infertility in men is very relevant in our time. There is a possibility that he is simply afraid to tell you about it, but at the same time, just like you, he wants to have a child.

What should you do: try it have a heart-to-heart talk with your husband . Explain that you love your husband and want a child from him. Even if there are some health problems that interfere with conception, it is easier to solve this problem together. Today science has stepped far forward and, by contacting a reproductive medicine clinic, a couple can count on real help on this important family issue.

How many women find themselves in this situation! The topic of the husband's reluctance to have a second baby– comes up very often on women’s forums on the Internet. And when a woman presents this problem, her virtual interlocutors give a variety of advice: from completely abandoning their own aspirations to deceiving their other half. Today we will look at several typical stories and try to find ways out of these difficult situations.

Glue the cup

Lyuba and Victor have been together for three years. They have two-year-old Pashka. But all is not well in the family haven. For several months now, the spouses' quarrels have become almost daily. The word “divorce” came up several times... But Lyuba didn’t want a divorce! She loved Victor, and they also bought an apartment together and were still paying off the loan. And if there is a divorce, how to divide everything? How's Pashka? Lyuba faced many questions. But then an interesting thought came to her mind: what if she gives birth to another baby? She and Vitya will again rejoice at their first smiles, steps, words, and there will be no time to quarrel. “And he won’t dare to leave me with two children,” no, no, yes, that flashed through Lyuba’s head. Choosing one of the quiet moments, she voiced her desire to give birth to another baby. And this led to another quarrel with a showdown. Victor was categorical: the second child Now it will be unnecessary in their family. And everyone was faced with the question of what to do...

Is it worth making a second one? baby“glue” that should hold the family together? For many women, this option seems quite correct. They count on a man’s sense of duty and his decency. They hope that his first toothless smile will melt his heart. Are these hopes justified? The clear answer is: NO. A child, neither the first nor the second, cannot (and should not!) be a means of holding a man. Hopes for a sense of duty and decency very often remain only hopes. A man, feeling that he has been “deceived” in some way, may refuse to communicate with the woman and child altogether. The woman experiences a whole storm of emotions, realizing that the bets are lost. The baby, “not working”, becomes unnecessary. And the share of the unloved baby unenviable: he will never receive enough warmth and care, will always doubt his value to other people, and it will be difficult for him to build his own family. Even if a man stays after learning about pregnancy, even if he becomes attached to her with all his soul. to kid, this will not solve his problems with a woman. After all, something led to a “crack” in the relationship? And this “something” remained unresolved. If you are aware that the desire to have a second baby comes from the desire to keep the spouse, to hold the family together, stop. Most likely, your spouse does not want to plan a second one right now, and he is right. You must first sort out the relationship and resolve “thorny” issues. Perhaps even see a psychologist. And when calm reigns in your harbor again, you both will want another successor to the family. And this one child will be a true symbol of the new family happiness and peace of mind.

When there is no time for persuasion...

For some time now, Polina has been consumed by the dream of having a second baby. When buying five-year-old Mila clothes and toys, she couldn’t pass by little blouses, caps and rompers. The maternal instinct was so strong that Polina almost felt pregnant. She dreamed of a baby, fully aware of how difficult the time awaited their family. But she was ready for the endless diaper conveyor, and for Mila’s possible jealousy, and for temporary financial difficulties. She talked a lot with her friends who managed to have two children, and understood that she could handle it quite well. She was about to start a conversation with her husband about planning, when she realized that she was already pregnant! With eyes glowing with joy, she told the news to her husband, but he was not at all happy...

This situation is perhaps the most difficult for a woman. Having realized that she is pregnant, the woman realizes that she really wants this baby and already loves him. And the husband either expresses dissatisfaction or openly insists on terminating the pregnancy. Sometimes men are so categorical that they say: “either abortion or divorce!” At this moment, an acute conflict arises in the woman’s mind: she wants baby, which is already growing in her tummy, and she needs her husband’s support more than ever. But she also understands that she could lose her husband and be left with two children if she continues the pregnancy. What to do? Should I follow my husband’s lead or continue the pregnancy under the threat of breaking up with him? This difficult choice, and no one except a woman has the right to decide what she should do. But still, we will outline a few guidelines that will help in thinking about the decision. Most important point here is the threat of divorce. And sometimes a woman chooses to have an abortion in order to save the relationship. But many are in for an unpleasant surprise: after some time, the marriage still breaks up. And the woman is left with a feeling of guilt in front of the unborn baby, and with bitterness that even this desperate step did not save the family. Why does abortion provoke divorce? Firstly, having terminated a pregnancy, a woman not only experiences a feeling of guilt, but also intense rage directed at her husband for insisting on this step. Even if a woman does not show this rage, it lives inside and eats away at relationships like rust. Secondly, a woman loses trust in husband, because at such an important moment for her and the whole family, he insisted on an abortion, thus choosing the easiest path for himself and the most difficult for the woman. She begins to expect a “catch” in other matters as well. Thirdly, the fact that a man insists on an abortion makes it clear to a woman that he doesn't appreciate her health, and that the value of their love (and child- the fruit of this love), is insignificant for him. Fourthly, a woman after an abortion may decreased sexual activity. Often women avoid contact with their husbands. And since sexual relations in marriage are one of the pillars on which it rests, then there is one less support. Of course, all this provokes conflicts and misunderstandings. Therefore, you should not think that termination of pregnancy is a guarantee of “saving” the marriage; rather, it is a direct path to divorce. You have a serious conversation with your husband (perhaps more than one). What can help a husband give up the idea of ​​an abortion:

Idea #1:"From my beloved husband baby I will never kill!” By stating this, you emphasize your attitude towards your husband, and also show how valuable the baby growing in your tummy is to you. It is very important to show a man that you already love baby that for you he is not an abstract “fruit”, but a little person.

Idea #2: let your husband know that child- a real little man. Show your ultrasound pictures. Tell me what child He’s still very small, but his heart is already beating. For men, the fetus, especially before the first tremors, is something abstract, as if unreal. Help your husband realize that even before 12 weeks, he is a real little person.

Idea #3: tell us that abortions carry complications of varying severity(this is actually true). These are infections, inflammatory diseases, bleeding, hormonal disorders, subsequent ectopic pregnancies, infertility - that's far from full list. Is your husband ready to condemn you to these diseases? And all this, not counting the psychological distress. ... Polina's husband insisted on an abortion. "You put an end to our family life!,” he said. But Polina decided to keep baby. “We didn’t talk about the pregnancy until 17-18 weeks, as if it wasn’t there,” she says. “But then everything gradually got better, and he began to worry with me. Now I see such a loving and caring father that I have not seen since eldest daughter and, I must say, the youngest loves him most of all. But I was already 35 years old, and I wanted a second one so much that I put my family well-being on the scales. I realized that my husband could really leave. I went against his wishes and insisted on my own. Maybe this is wrong, of course two people should want children, but it was in me, and not in him, that this child. Therefore, at that moment it was I who made such a responsible decision - to save the baby.” There are quite a lot of such stories with a happy ending. Husbands who reacted negatively to the fact of a second pregnancy became tender and loving fathers. Unfortunately, no one can guarantee that this will be the case. Therefore, try to avoid the situation of an “unexpected” unwanted pregnancy, and especially do not deceive your husband by saying that you are taking contraception or that “this day is safe,” in the hope that when pregnancy becomes a fact, the husband will accept it without complaint. Try to convince your husband first and then plan the pregnancy together.

Unripe fruit

One of common reasons men's reluctance to have a second baby- This is the so-called “immature paternity syndrome.” Their first children are often obtained “by chance,” and they marry for this reason, guided by the firm hand of their future wife, or mother-in-law, or mother. An "immature" father may also plan for the first baby, because He needs it for status (for example, to maintain the image of a respectable father of the family). As fathers, they show themselves reluctantly, communicating with the child only after much prodding, and shift the responsibilities of upbringing and care to their wife as much as possible. When the wife of such a man begins to think about a second child and voices this dream, she may hear in response: “But then I won’t be able to change my car next year (go abroad, buy ski equipment...).” For these men, the letter “I” comes first.

It is precisely such men who are “unripe fruit” and send their wives to have an abortion, despite all the arguments that she gives them. They are the ones who are able to implement the threat of “divorce if baby you will leave” into life. And if they stay in the family where their second one is born child, then they will continue to shift responsibility onto the wife (“you yourself wanted this baby, so educate him now!”). In general, the lot of the wives of such husbands is unenviable. Is it possible to stimulate an “immature” husband so that he sincerely wants to continue himself in a second child? Is it necessary? Even if he reluctantly agrees, it will be very difficult to expect help in education from him. He wants to live too much “for himself”, despite his family status. In general, think a hundred times whether you are ready to educate baby virtually alone, with the formal presence of his father nearby. Perhaps you should wait until your husband “grows up”, but perhaps this will never happen. Start your new pregnancy journey, fully aware that you must rely only on your own strength.

Child as a symbol of change

Often men, even “mature” ones, do not want to plan a second baby because they... are afraid! None of them will admit it, but in fact it is so. What are the most common male fears? Firstly, this fear that he will not be able to “feed” his large family, because, at least for 1.5-2 years, he again becomes the sole breadwinner! Secondly, this fear of being rejected again, Bye child small Dads remember that when their first child was born, the wife spent almost all her time baby, and she did not have enough time or energy for cooking, cleaning, and sexual relations. The man remembers this feeling of “abandonment” and does not want it to happen again. Thirdly, this fear of worsening relationship with wife. The overwhelming number of couples are experiencing a “crisis of the birth of the first baby" It lies in the fact that with the birth of their first child, husband and wife acquire new roles of “father” and “mother,” and mastering these roles is not an easy task. It takes time to understand what it means to be parents. And often this period is filled with mutual discontent and misunderstanding. But in a man's mind the time of birth baby strongly associated with memories of quarrels with his wife. And therefore fear arises: will the same thing happen a second time? Fourthly, this fear of losing my wife, especially if the first birth was difficult. No, no, and the thought flashes through a man’s head: what if the birth goes so badly that I have to raise the children alone? This fear rarely comes to the surface, into consciousness, but subconsciously it is always there, and it is this fear that provokes numerous male “excuses.”

Techniques that can help you in conversation:

Idea #1: count the money. If you can calculate how much money will be spent monthly on diapers and other baby supplies, and you can show your spouse that this is quite feasible, even if he works alone, then half the battle is done! Calculate how much is now spent monthly on family needs: clothing, food, payments. Show him which parts can be temporarily cut in favor of diapers and baby vests. It is possible that this will be a completely feasible expense for you!

Idea #2: Remind that the second baby will not appear tomorrow. It’s strange, but when women start talking about planning, this simple thought does not occur to men. But considering that pregnancy will not occur immediately, the family has some time left! And during this period, you can save up some money, slowly renovate the room, and generally get used to the idea that your family will soon be replenished with a new member.

Idea #3: remind your husband that many large things (stroller, crib and other dowry) remained from the elder baby, you can buy some things with “maternity” or “postpartum” money. Relatives will give you something else. So the main thing is monthly maintenance baby, and it is quite feasible with reasonable approach. And here, as they say, “the world is not without good people" Mothers you know who have a baby will then be happy to give you things!

Idea #4:“You are a worthy man!” Using this technique, you emphasize the primacy and strength of your husband, as well as your love and respect for him. Marina, when talking with her husband about the birth of her second baby, said: “You know how many friends I have who simply don’t want to have children from their husbands! They do not trust them, live with them more out of habit and see mostly shortcomings in them. I want baby from you! I’m glad that you are my husband, I love and respect you, that’s why I want more children.” This speech allowed Marina’s husband to think that fatherhood is a gift of trust on the part of his wife, it is recognition of him as a man and the head of the family. And which man would refuse this?

Idea #5:“love won’t go anywhere!” This is an argument for men who are afraid that with birth baby will again fade into the background. This situation needs to be discussed in advance. For example, as Tatyana did: “Yes, I remember how often I had to eat store-bought dumplings when our first child was born. I remember how sometimes you didn't have a fresh shirt because the machine was busy washing diapers. Sometimes I didn’t have enough strength to talk to you, and you probably felt lonely. Of course, when the second one is born child, the first year will be difficult again. Almost all of my time will be taken up with caring for him. But know that my love has not gone away. Together we will overcome difficulties!” It is important that a man knows that all these everyday troubles and his wife’s constant fatigue are not an indicator of discord in the relationship.

Idea #6:“You are already a father!” This argument is for those men who survived the turbulent period of the “crisis of the birth of the first baby", this period of misunderstanding, quarrels and adjustment to the role of parents. We must understand that the birth of the first baby often leads to a crisis in the family. And by the time the second is born, all the roles are already familiar, and the spouses have become perfectly accustomed to what it means to “be a mother” and “to be a dad.” You can and should tell your spouse about this, bringing the good news that there will be no new “redistribution of property”!

Idea #7:"I am healthy!". To ease a man's fear that something might happen to you or the baby, visit your doctor before planning a pregnancy. Make sure you are healthy and ready for this difficult journey. Your own health is the key to the success of the health of your unborn baby. And report the results of the “medical examination” to your husband. Knowing that you are embarking on this path healthy, he will worry less about the health of you and your baby.

Ilya, a happy father of two sons, once told me how he did not want the birth of a second one. baby. “Our first-born was two years old when my Katerina started talking about the “second Lala.” I couldn’t restrain myself then, and very sharply told her that the second one was out of the question now. Our Maksimka was a very excitable child until he was one and a half years old; he slept poorly and was capricious a lot. We were very tired. The wife took care of the child almost exclusively. Of course, I understood that this was how it should be, but sometimes it was a shame that she even forgot to ask how my day was. Besides, I was the only breadwinner. We didn’t need it, of course, but we didn’t have extra money either. In general, then the thought of a second child seemed terrible to me. All over again! I was clearly not ready." “Although I answered with a categorical “no!”, Katerina did not calm down. Only later did I realize that she had her own wise tactics. For a while, conversations about the second stopped, but she, no, no, and included stories about happy times in our conversations. married couples with two children. I saw how her eyes lit up when she looked at the kids, I heard how she was interested in the issues of jealousy of elders towards the younger ones and how mothers and fathers cope with two. Gradually I began to come to the conclusion that people live with two children! And they don’t live in poverty, and they enjoy life! In general, the idea of ​​having a second child no longer seemed terrible to me. And then my wife told me that she had seen all the doctors and was completely healthy. She once again said that she really wants “her beloved husband” to become the father of her beloved for the second time baby. And we had a big conversation. We discussed that, in general, we have enough money, all the things from the eldest were left over, and we are already experienced parents, so we can handle it. And now, a little over a year later, we got a second squeaking lump! When I look at him, I even remember with some shame that at first I didn’t want him to appear!”

If your spouse speaks out against having a second child baby, don't be discouraged. It is quite possible that this is the very situation where “water wears away stones.” Be patient and move towards your goal in small steps. Do not put pressure on a man, do not throw out a storm of discontent on him. If a woman feels an internal need to become a mother, then a man needs to be helped to realize and get used to the idea of ​​becoming a dad again. With a delicate female approach, husbands become more loyal over time, and then begin to wait for “two stripes” with the same impatience as their wives. Many dads then say that being a father for the second time is a very special state. If the first time they were too tense, afraid of doing something wrong, and as a result gave up any attempts, then the second time they feel more confident and are able to get great pleasure from communicating with the baby.

, Comments to post My husband doesn't want a second child disabled

Good night, I have the following problem: my husband doesn’t want a second child, but I really want it. My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years, we have a 4 year old son. He explains that there are not enough funds for education for the first one and says that the first child is enough for me for now, he is not used to it yet, he has not yet fully realized that he is a dad. Help me with this problem.

Hello.

It sounds like your husband doesn't want a second child because he's having difficulty with the first. In general, this is a very rational position, because the most difficult thing is not to give birth to a child, but to raise him until he is 18 years old. There should be enough strength for this. Apparently, you and your husband assess your strengths differently: you feel that you can handle a second child, but he feels that you can’t, which is why your husband doesn’t want a second child.

However, there may be an opportunity to help him with his current parenting difficulties, and then he may agree to your wishes. The first paragraph you write about the financial difficulties that your husband notes. Even if he is the main breadwinner in your family, perhaps you should help him think through the budget in such a way that a second child fits into it.

Maybe you can go to work and save money for the birth of a second child. Maybe it's worth looking home work so that your financial capabilities improve. Maybe the husband himself can increase his income, but for this he may need your support or more rest, or something else.

The key to solving most marital problems is to talk about them. Sometimes it happens that you don’t even need to change anything, because the spouse finds additional strength when he sees that he is understood, his feelings are shared, and not devalued.

It is not entirely clear what is behind the husband’s words that he has not fully realized that he is a father, and that he is still missing his first child. Is it that he gets a lot of pleasure from communicating with the child and is not yet ready to deal with a second one? Or he feels that something is not working out for him, he is not entirely satisfied with himself as a father, and does not want to increase his stress in this area. Or maybe he himself has parental family there were two children and the second was unhappy or the first was deprived of attention.

It is difficult to say what psychological difficulties lie behind your husband’s words without a detailed conversation with him. But it seems to me that these difficulties can be resolved, since the husband formulates them quite clearly. It is more difficult when it is difficult to understand what a person’s reasons are.

Be patient, find answers to the difficulties that your husband talks about due to the fact that he does not want a second child; ask new questions if it seems to you that your arguments have swayed your husband’s opinion, but still he still does not agree. Talk to him about his feelings and difficulties, try to understand him and help him find a solution.

If you cannot make an agreement on your own, you can come to my appointment together, or just your husband, or just you, depending on what you feel more comfortable with. I receive appointments in person in Moscow and via Skype.

Natalia.G

Hello! I am 34, my husband is 37, married for 12 years, we have a 5-year-old daughter. We didn’t have children for a long time - at first I thought I wasn’t ready, then the passion subsided a little, and work kept both of us busy, and when I had already matured morally, our relationship was no longer as smooth as before, one might say unstable in terms of nagging and minor quarrels, but I loved my husband very much and my desire to have a child was sincere. I even had to make some efforts in terms of persuasion, because even then my husband said that comfortable relationships in the family were very important to him and this was a criterion for him of readiness to have a child.

When the long-awaited daughter was born, for some time everything revolved around the child, but in my relationship with my husband, we both fought and continue to fight. I love him and it hurts me to see our relationship crumble. I’m probably too picky and critical of him, but I miss his attention and feelings, it seems to me that he is moving away from me every day.

But the problem is that I really want a second child (and I always dreamed that I would have at least 2 of them), I understand that I am no longer the same age, time is passing, and if I give birth, it will be in the near future. But my husband said a categorical NO, because as long as we fight, there will be no children. I won’t be able to live with him, knowing that he doesn’t want a second child, because this is very important to me! We have a choice: either give birth or get a divorce - but I’m not ready for a divorce! I want to be with him and we have a child together!

Such thoughts make me go crazy and I can no longer enjoy the present, I am fixated on my husband’s refusal and I cannot be sweet and gentle with him, not find fault and not swear, so it turns out to be a vicious circle from which I cannot escape! Please give me some advice on what to do?

Natalia.G

I can’t even formulate it precisely, these could be completely different things, such as making joint decisions, trips, vacations, raising a child, everyday moments, who said something wrong and reacted wrongly, etc., etc. You never know. what it will happen next time and how to prepare yourself for it. I myself am a very emotional person, I tend to get offended and take everything to heart. My husband thinks that I see only the bad in everything, maybe that’s true, I’m a pessimist by nature, but that doesn’t make it any easier. It turns out that I’m starting to blame myself for everything, my self-esteem is no longer in the cards, and because I feel morally bad, my relationship with my husband is only getting worse..

When I realized that my husband did not want a second child, I began to look at him as my own, but a stranger to me, who seems to live nearby, but does not build a common future, we see him differently. What am I doing next to him? How to enjoy today when everything is hopeless ahead? How can you be happy with such a stone on your heart? I constantly think about this, and it results in my attitude towards him, I tease, hurt with words, find fault, I am annoyed by his indifference to me (tells me what kind of feelings we can talk about if I am always dissatisfied with everything), I even start him to suspect who will remain calm from this, so both of them boil up to the point of a quarrel... This is how we live...

I don’t understand how to behave: smile and be a hypocrite, or say that I feel bad and swear? I need to change something, but any decision only brings tears to my eyes...