Stage. An elderly couple living separately from adult children. Typology of relationships between older spouses Elderly married couples
Yaroslav Tarasova 27 years
Born in Riga in a military family. At the age of 21, she moved to St. Petersburg, where she began to study photography. She studied at the Faculty of Photojournalism under Yana Romanova and at the Photo Department on a documentary photography course under Mikhail Domozhilov. Participated in master classes by Oksana Yushko and Artur Bondar.
The union of two elderly is not enthusiastic love, but the opportunity to feel needed, an incentive to live. Here the desire to get away from loneliness is stronger than romance. Main reasons remarry at an advanced age: the need for care and communication, the need for help with the housework, a way to improve the financial situation and living conditions. Of course, there is love in such families, but love without the expectation of having children, without plans for the future. In Russia the relationship of the elderly can hardly be called traditional. Fear of seeming ridiculous and rejection of society prevent grandparents from starting new families. But in vain. According to sociologists, marital relations cannot be replaced by friendships at any stage of life.
Olga Alexandrovna Orlova (63 years old) and Sergey Vladimirovich Petrov (65 years old) met in a private nursing home. Elderly people moved here of their own free will, so as not to embarrass their relatives and not burden them with care.
Most of the old people who enter the boarding house can no longer move freely and do not speak well. Therefore, the couple has almost no friends. But there is a lot of free time that older people spend together: they talk, read books and play board games.
Valentina Mikhailovna Kabanikhina (75 years old) and Mikhail Nikolaevich Sinelnikov (66 years old) met at the dance "For those over 50".
I liked Michelle right away. He is kind, caring and, unlike my first husband, not jealous, - says Valentina Mikhailovna.
Mikhail Nikolayevich writes poetry, often dedicating it to his wife.
Maria Andrianovna Velichko (60 years old) and Nikolai Aleksandrovich Krivokhizhenko (66 years old) met at work.
We met in 2008. When we walked along the Sea Embankment for the first time, Nikolai Alexandrovich brought me a huge bouquet Red roses, and I was even embarrassed to smoke in front of him that evening. From this meeting, we realized that we would live together, - shared Maria Andrianovna.
Galina Ivanovna Chunina (75 years old) and Aleksey Alekseevich Gordienko (73 years old) met in 1959 in Blagoveshchensk. Then both studied at the Geological Prospecting College. In 1960, their paths parted, but the young people continued to correspond. In 1967, Galina Ivanovna got married, and since then communication has been interrupted.
After 47 years, Galina Ivanovna found Alexei Alekseevich in Odnoklassniki.
Later, he moved to her in St. Petersburg from the Ukrainian Berdyansk, where he lived with his son.
Ida Vasilievna Avksentieva (81 years old) and Yuri Ivanovich Nikiforov (77 years old) met 14 years ago in Zelenogorsk (Leningrad region), where Ida Vasilievna loved to walk with her husband, now deceased. She was sitting in a summer cafe, where Yuri Ivanovich saw her. Now the couple live in the Krasnaya Zvezda nursing home near Zelenogorsk.
Elena Ivanovna Proshina (61 years old) and Vladislav Viktorovich Nikulenko (69 years old) met in the spring of 1973 in an electric train. Both traveled every day from Sestroretsk (Leningrad region) to St. Petersburg to study and work.
Vladislav Viktorovich watched Elena Ivanovna for a long time, but was embarrassed to approach. The girl noticed his interested looks and decided to approach herself.
After several months of meetings, Vladislav Viktorovich made an offer, she promised to think about it, but then the young people quarreled and broke up.
They met after 20 years and later got married in secret from their relatives.
Natalya Iosifovna Alekseeva (66 years old) and Anatoly Ivanovich Alekseev (76 years old) met in a state boarding school for the elderly and disabled, where they live to this day. Natalya Iosifovna has been blind since the age of three, Anatoly Ivanovich is visually impaired.
Both ended up in a boarding school against their will. The woman was identified here by her sister, who refused to care for the disabled. Anatoly Ivanovich was deprived of an apartment and left without money by his son.
Previously, the couple loved to walk in a nearby park, but in recent years it has become difficult for Natalya Iosifovna to walk, so they spend almost all their time in a boarding school.
Nikolai Konstantinovich Nikolaev (85 years old) and Valentina Alexandrovna Dyldina (75 years old) met in the private boarding house Petrovsky Mills in Krasnoye Selo near St. Petersburg.
Both are offended by relatives who did not want to take care of the elderly and sent them to a nursing home.
Valentina Alexandrovna suffers from memory loss, she remembers almost nothing about her past, she moves with difficulty. Nikolai Konstantinovich takes care of the woman, accompanies and supports her.
She is good and kind, I love her. The opportunity to take care of someone in my old age, to be needed supports me and gives meaning to life.
Nina Alekseevna Shumskaya (89 years old) and Valentin Vlasovich Pautov (89 years old). We met in childhood, when both lived in Turkmenistan. But they didn't talk much.
Nina Alekseevna became an opera singer, Valentin Vlasovich became a dramatic actor. They met again at the age of 69 in St. Petersburg in the House of Stage Veterans for Honored Theater Workers and started a family.
Genrikh Zakharovich Lyubinsky (82 years old) and Alexandra Nikolaevna Zaretskaya (70 years old).
Our acquaintance is one chance in 5 million. I consider it a miracle that I met a woman who was meant for me. We met at a common friend, whom I visited very rarely, and Alexandra Nikolaevna visited her for the first time. Then I fell in love. I am incredibly lucky: not everyone has enough life to find their other half.
Lyubov Pimenovna Barbakova (74 years old) and Aleksey Alekseevich Balakhonov (87 years old) met at the Cherry Gerontological Center in Smolensk. This is one of the largest homes for the elderly in Russia.
Alexei Alekseevich moved there so as not to burden his brother and to be able to communicate with people of his age. Here he met Lyubov Pimenovna. A couple of months after they met, they started a family and moved into a separate room. The management of the center encourages marriage among the guests and allows them to live together.
Tatyana Nikolaevna Rodkevich (75 years old) and Viktor Sergeevich Troshin (78 years old) met at a concert at the "School of the Third Age". The organization is engaged in leisure activities for pensioners in St. Petersburg.
Tatyana Nikolaevna has been fond of accordion and piano since childhood. A few years ago, she mastered the mandolin and guitar, and dreams of learning to play other musical instruments. Viktor Sergeevich shared his girlfriend's hobbies and, thanks to Tatyana Nikolaevna, mastered the guitar.
Ekaterina Ivanovna Krivosheeva (80 years old) and Ivan Kuzmich Petrov (77 years old) met at the Cherry Gerontological Center in Smolensk.
Ekaterina Ivanovna says that she won her husband at cards. In the summer, guests of the boarding house play in the fresh air. Dating is often made here.
During one of the games, Ekaterina Ivanovna noticed that Ivan Kuzmich was giving in to her. That's how the relationship began.
After several months of meetings, Ivan Kuzmich invited Ekaterina Ivanovna to move in together. But the woman doubted - she was disabled and did not want to burden Ivan Kuzmich with care. And yet they began to live together.
In spite of poor health, Ekaterina Ivanovna maintains a positive outlook on the world. She participates in amateur performances - solo in the choir. Ivan Kuzmich helps and supports her in everything.
Larisa Danilovna Moiseenkova (61 years old) was introduced to Yuri Andreevich Zmeev (59 years old) by her sister. She worked in the military registration and enlistment office, where Yuri Andreevich, a retired military man, was listed. Larisa Danilovna was a widow, and Yuri Andreevich was going to divorce his second wife. We got along quickly, as both had experience behind them. family life and they knew what they wanted from a relationship.
The couple have many common interests and similar outlooks on life. For two years living together they hardly fought.
People can find a soul mate at any age and even experience mutual warm feelings to each other. I don’t know if this is love or not, but when Yuri Andreevich goes to work for a day, I miss him, ”says Larisa Danilovna.
Lyubov Maksimovna Maneko (70 years old) and Sergey Borisovich Koshman (70 years old) live in the Smolensk gerontological center "Vishenki", where they met.
Lyubov Maksimovna does not hide the fact that they agreed with Sergei Borisovich largely due to the fact that the spouses in the boarding house are provided with a separate room.
In the registry office, everyone laughed at us and was surprised that we decided to get married in old age, ”said Lyubov Maksimovna.
Behind the shoulders of the spouses is a difficult relationship with families. Lyubov Maksimovna was left alone when her only son, a drug addict, died. She started having heart problems and moved to the center. Sergei Borisovich ended up in Cherries after he was paralyzed and needed special care. His family does not visit him.
I thought that my personal life was over, so I let my daughter choose my betrothed. She liked Goomer. She almost immediately began to call him father. We did not have any special expectations from each other - probably this is the secret of a warm relationship, - said Antonina Aleksandrovna.
There are three types of older couples. Let's start with the worst - with four spouses who are tired of each other. Forty years of married life did not bring them closer. They had little in common when they got married, but now they literally have nothing to talk about. It is not difficult to recognize such spouses, seeing how they silently sit at a table in a restaurant and never even smile at each other. Each ignores the other, it's good if there is no open enmity between them. Why are they together? Out of habit, out of respect for the rules of decency, out of a kind of family conformism, out of the inability to find separate apartments, out of the inability to live independently. These are pathetic couples. The second kind is somewhat better. It is formed by husbands and wives who do not feed (or no longer feed) to each other. true love but remain true friends. Long years of peaceful coexistence convinced each of them that, although the partner can not be called either gentle or charming, he has other important qualities. You can rely on him, he has a complaisant character, all these years he forgave other people's sins and knew how to make them forgive his own. Couples of this kind are sometimes united by jointly achieved successes, love for children and grandchildren. Presence loved one saves such spouses from loneliness, strong bonds bind them with the outside world. 
The third admirable variety is the happy elderly couple. The hardest thing about marriage is being able to move from love to friendship without sacrificing love. There is nothing impossible here. The hot flame of desire sometimes does not fade for a long time, but for spouses, for real loving friend friend, "this wonderful silk fabric with luxurious color patterns is lined with another, simpler, but such a pure and rare tone that you want to prefer the wrong side front side". In such a marriage, mutual trust reigns, all the more complete because it is based on a thorough knowledge of a life partner and such a strong attachment that it allows you to guess in advance all the spiritual movements of a beloved being. 
Such spouses are not afraid of boredom. The husband prefers the company of his wife to the society of a younger and beautiful woman; and it's both. Why? Because each of them knows so well what exactly may interest the other, because both have such similar tastes that the conversation between them never stops. A walk together is as precious to them today as the hours of loving rendezvous, those preludes to their wedding march, were dear to them in their time. Everyone knows that the other will not only understand him, but will guess everything in advance. At the same time, both think about the same things. Each simply suffers physically because of the moral experiences of the other. What a miracle to meet a man (or woman) who has never disappointed or deceived you! When an elderly couple navigates without being wrecked the sea churned by the noonday demon, they enter a safe harbor where blissful peace reigns. There is nothing more wonderful than the serenity of these marriage unions. And only the thought of death darkens the harmony of love. Passionate attachment to each other has a high meaning, but it is fraught with danger, because when it comes to the life of a creature dear to us, everything is at stake. But man is so fragile! But even death is powerless before great love. Hours of grief and loneliness are filled with sweet consolation, when unclouded memories come to mind. Moreover, elderly couples who lived their lives happily live long in the memory of those who knew them, loved and admired them. Andre Maurois
A couple of days ago, the Internet was stirred up by a touching photo session, the heroes of which were an elderly couple from Russia. Many federal media drew attention to the pictures, including Snob and the popular English-language publication Bored Panda.
A Russian photographer captured an incredibly beautiful elderly couple to show that love is timeless. Looking into the happy eyes of this family, the heart of every person in love wants to follow their example and carry their love through the years, as long as possible, - portal users note.
The main ideological inspirer of the project, which gained fame all over the world, was the Nizhny Novgorod photographer Irina Nedyalkova. For seven years of work, she tried herself in different directions. She soon realized that what she likes the most is doing family shoots and love-story. In this field, Irina began to enjoy success and she immediately began to receive numerous orders and offers to organize master classes. And then it all started...
Idea
“I can say with confidence that the so-called wish map, the principle of visualization, works in my life,” says Irina. “Recently, I saw a touching clip by Angelika Varum about an elderly mother and her daughter, who are wandering along the seashore. I decided that my location would also be the sea. Just after that, I went to a photo festival in St. Petersburg, where I was supposed to give two lectures. On one of them we went to shoot on the shore of the Gulf of Finland. I thought, this is just the case when I can realize my idea.”
Search for "love"
“When I told the organizers of the festival about my plans, we began to look for an elderly couple. At first, everyone tried to negotiate with their grandparents, they asked acquaintances. But no one suitable was found. Then we turned to a modeling agency, where we were offered to work with Sergey Arktika and Valentina Yasen. The guys were late for the shoot. At this time, we arranged the equipment, set up the light. And I noticed my colleague walking along the shore. I took a couple of pictures with him and that was the beginning. romantic story: a young hero, so far alone, wanders along the shore. In social networks, I am often asked if the real couple is Sergey and Valentina. But I openly admit that these are commercial models. They didn't even know each other before filming. Sergey is 45 years old and in life he looks like in the frame. Valentina is 63. And her image was created right on the set. The whole team was delighted with the work. Believing in their love, many even shed a tear. And Sergey and Valentina even left together after filming.”
"Hero Lovers"
Valentina Yasen and Sergey Arktika are models for the Oldushka agency. Something familiar, right? Yes, this is the same agency that has made a small revolution in the world of Russian fashion. "Oldushka" is the first agency in Russia for age models. The first loud statement about himself was the news that the main face of the Russian underwear brand was the 61-year-old model of this agency, Tatyana Neklyudova. The main idea of this project is to rethink the topic of aging and expand the traditional ideas about old age in order to help form a healthy attitude of society towards it and older people towards themselves.
As for the actors-lovers who played so convincingly, not much is known about them.
Valentina Yasen, as mentioned earlier, is 63 years old. She was born in Chernigov, Ukraine. Previously, the model was a professional actress - for many years she played at the Youth Theater, at the Vladimir Malyshchitsky Theater and at the Theater-Studio 87. Over time, Valentina stopped going on stage, but Igor Gavar saw her photos in Mooncake magazine and offered to try himself as a model.
“For me, his answer to the question of why he created this agency was very important: “So that people are not afraid to grow old.” This position is close to me - I believe that older women should calmly and joyfully accept themselves as they are, be grateful to life for everything that happens in it. I like my current age and everything is interesting to me: both the new powder for hair volume and the unfamiliar one so far tone cream“,” says Valentina.
Sergey Arktika, unlike many models of the agency, believes that he looks even too old for his 45 years. But he has long come to terms with this, because he began to turn gray at thirty. In the late 1970s and early 1980s, he lived in Denmark, where his father worked as the director of the sales office of the Volga Automobile Plant and was engaged in the sale of Lada cars in Russia. Sergey recently found a Danish bicycle in the garage, bought by his parents back in those years, repaired it and now rides it to work.
“Inwardly, I feel twenty-seven to thirty years old. Igor Gavar saw my photos on social networks and offered to start cooperation with his agency, although, of course, the main part of his models in Moscow and St. Petersburg is older than me. The first shooting for a person without modeling experience is a wild stress. Then, when you begin to understand the rules of the game, you realize how much work it is, what serious preparation is behind each photo session, ”Sergey shares.
Sergey is an intellectual property protection specialist by his main profession. Married and has adult daughter who is in her first year at the medical academy.
Irina Nedyalkova:
- After the photo shoot, the agency staff and the models themselves approached me with words of gratitude. No one even thought of such a success. In three days, the number of my subscribers in social networks increased by 13 thousand. People did not skimp on laudatory epithets. I honestly answered their questions that my characters are not a couple and in the frame they are a game, but this did not bother anyone. Of course, there were also negative, vulgar reviews. People ridiculed the make-up, the clothes of the heroes. And the Europeans admired and believed that there are feelings between the characters. For their countries, an elderly couple walking hand in hand and looking at each other with loving eyes is a common life story. Foreign publications also write about the project. I have to hire an interpreter to answer questions from foreign journalists. Now the number of orders has increased. Many write that they would like the same photography.
When I'm eighty-five
When I start to lose slippers,
Soften bread slices in broth
Knit unnecessarily long scarves,
Walk holding on to walls and cabinets
And look at the sky for a long, long time,
When everything is feminine
What is given to me now
Will be wasted and it will not matter -
Sleep, wake up, or not wake up.
From what I've seen in my lifetime
I will carefully extract your image,
And slightly noticeable lips smile.
I'll look for your slippers around the house,
Grumble that it's hard for me to bend
Wear some ridiculous scarves
Of those that you knitted for me.
And in the morning, waking up before dawn,
I listen to your breath
Suddenly I smile and hug quietly.
When I'm eighty-five
I will blow the dust off you
Correct your gray hairs
And, holding hands, walk around the square.
And we're not afraid to die
When we're eighty-five...
The traditions of modern culture prescribe a problematic, deviant status to an aging person, an elderly family, due to the idea of the depletion of their resources. Not enough attention is paid to the uniqueness of older families. At the same time, social practices have had negative social and economic consequences. It became obvious that elderly families occupy their own special niche. It is becoming a unique place to meet fundamental human needs, an area in which the main activity, leisure component is carried out, and mutual support practices are implemented. The family occupies one of the first places in the value structure of the older generation. The prevailing value is the very presence of a loved one, the possibility of living together with him, involvement in common activities.
The family of an elderly person is characterized by certain features, has its own outlines and contours. This is no longer a child-centric structure; there is a search for personally oriented meanings. The main thing here is a special mode of interaction both within the family and outside it, in conditions of limited social dynamics, a limited choice of alternative life strategies. An elderly family functions on the principle of "communicating vessels", which makes it a fairly strong "monolithic" unity. For each of its members, the family becomes "a roof that protects from the evil elements" (B. Pasternak). There is a formation of new significant meanings: autonomy, adaptation syndrome, strengthening the status of intimacy.
Structure and functions of the elderly family. Starting from the "empty nest" phase, there is a gradual loss of some functions: the loss of the socializing function (with the departure of children from the family), the reduction of the function of transferring cultural experience and knowledge. A situation is emerging when older people, feeling their inadequacy to the conjuncture of the time, withdraw themselves from raising their grandchildren, thereby forming a vicious circle. There is a recycling of old age - if the family does not perform the function of giving birth to children and socialization, if the function of relaying and transferring cultural values is reduced, therefore, it is less useful to the state and society. But the fact is that when one is weakened, other functions are strengthened. Priority becomes supporting the function of an elderly family, when spouses provide mutual assistance in economic affairs, provide psychological compensation for all sorts of stresses. Through protective functions, the family acts as a barrier to the direct intrusion of other social institutions (in particular, the state) into her private life. Intermediary the function is realized in the fact that the family of an elderly person is often a kind of bridge between relatives, a link in interpersonal relations, a keeper of family history, traditions, family albums and memories of the "family yard". This function is especially prominent when it comes to reunited families, that is, family unions formed through remarriages with a complex structure of kinship relations.
The ideology of the family is changing in the direction of closeness: from an expansion strategy, explication in the social space to focusing on one's own, intra-family problems: the need for security and stability is growing; increased attention to existential problems; introversion prevails (immersion in the world of inner experiences); the need for active development of the external environment decreases.
Mode the existence of older families is often problematic ( poverty, intergenerational conflict). According to economic indicators, elderly families can be differentiated into two groups. For one, belonging to socially vulnerable groups, the main source of income is state pension, social insurance, allowances, subsidies, subsidies, survival practices characterized by a permanent economy regime. The other cohort within the older generation has wealth, power and prestige to a much greater extent. Pensioners, according to a study by the Institute of Sociology of the Russian Academy of Sciences: "Poor in Russia: Who are they? How do they live? What do they strive for?" (March-April 2008, N= 1750), are today the most vulnerable group of the Russian population. Half of them are low-income and another 30% are poor. Only 20% of them belong to relatively prosperous segments of the population. The income of older families is currently about half that of younger families.
In the study of older couples, we are based on two key concepts. Firstly, the concept of "marital relations" captures the spatial and temporal closeness of a man and a woman as husband and wife, the privacy of their interpersonal relationships and includes both the exchange of "activities" and "sentiment" (J. Homans). The content characteristics of marital relations can vary from order and tranquility in relations between spouses to clashes and conflicts that have destructive consequences. The regulation of marital relations is aimed primarily at maintaining trust and a sense of security.
Secondly, the concept elderly age family" includes two meanings: a certain stage of development family relations; a certain type of family, when the spouses belong to the gerontological group. In our study, we used both semantic meanings of the concept of "old age of the family". We are talking about the key everyday problems of elderly couples who have a solid experience of living together. We were interested specifically in marriage, partnership, which has the status of an independent institution that plays an important role in old age, as well as the presence or absence of interpersonal "off-screen" (Mamardashvili) clashes, which always have hidden, private causes. We have placed the focus of our attention on the definition of the specifics of the social perception of everyday problems of an elderly couple by significant others. In order to diagnose marital relations, a qualitative study was carried out. The collection and analysis of the material was carried out according to the method of "double reflection" with the help of an unstructured non-formalized interview. Both goal-oriented sampling was used (people were deliberately selected representing informationally significant cases about which preliminary information was available) and the "snowball" method, when at the end of the interview each informant was asked the question: "Can you name a person in your environment who has a practice of communicating with an elderly couple?". Based on the responses received, a limited number of informants were selected. The empirical base is represented by 26 in-depth interviews with older people (65 and older, who live apart from relatives and have lived together for 25 years or more) and 17 interviews with people who constantly interact with older spouses (children, relatives, neighbors). Residents of the city of Saratov were interviewed (February-September 2009).
The results of the study showed the presence of a certain conservation of ideas about the everyday problems of an elderly couple on the part of those who have been in constant contact with them for a long time (relatives, neighbors, acquaintances). This specificity of the perception of the everyday problems of an elderly couple is due, from our point of view, to the dominance of the medicalist discourse, the pulverization of the image of a dependent, sick elderly person by means of mass communication. The semantic axis of the problems indicated by our informants as characteristic of the everyday life of an elderly married couple includes the following substantive points.
The closeness and arrangement of the private life of an elderly family is emphasized, which is perceived as a "Town in a snuffbox", as a kind of sealed environment in which there is no dynamics of formation and renewal. “Yes, they don’t have any special problems, they got up, ate, did something, there’s no need to rush to work, life is arranged, and what is needed at this age? .R.).
An elderly family is considered as an object of assistance, requiring certain material and personal costs, either at the present time or in the near future. “As long as parents manage without outside help. But old age does not add strength to anyone, you will have to help, maybe a nurse will be needed, different situations can develop” (man, born in 1968).
Among the main problems Everyday life They name mainly two - health and material security. "At this age everyone has a whole bouquet diseases, then one disease worsens, then another. A lot of money is spent on medicines, which are constantly rising in price" (woman born in 1963). "Pensions are miserable, I don't know how they get out. I see that they save money, purchases are made at the market, there, although not by much, but still cheaper than in stores, they paint in advance all upcoming expenses, make sure that a certain level of expenses for public utilities, and they don’t buy anything from solid, “long-playing” household items” (man, born in 1971).
Emphasis is placed on the focus of attention of the spouses on internal everyday problems, among which the informants especially singled out: dacha and garden, children-grandchildren: “They plant and water at the dacha in the summer, do something around the house in the winter. The rhythm of their life is seasonal. In winter, they wait, they can’t wait for the summer to leave the city for the dacha. born in 1966). "They take care of their grandchildren, feed them, meet them from school, look after them" (woman born in 1973).
Faceless fusion. In their speech behavior, informants, as a rule, combine "husband" and "wife" into verbal constructs "they" or "old men", which obliterate the differentiation of marital roles and suggest a completely standard formula of behavior, the semantic content of which is expressed in the form of sayings: "husband and wife is one Satan" and "old age is not joy."
The answers of the informants capture an unreasonably narrow view of the problems of everyday life of an elderly couple. They are dominated by extensive, quantitative characteristics of an elderly couple with fixation of the presence of changes of the type "decrease - deterioration - decrease", without resorting to an intensive qualitative characteristic of their life. A social portrait of an elderly family is constructed, including ideas about it as passive and helpless. The very concept of "an elderly family" is often perceived not as analytical, but as a synonym for something fundamentally past, which "still" exists in the present. As a result, elderly families are fixed in everyday consciousness as outsiders of social life, as home "hospices" with a characteristic "discharged" life in which "Nothing significant, significant happens." None of the respondents, even casually, mentioned the interpersonal relationships of older spouses and the problems associated with them. Apparently, this layer of family life at this age stage is a "blind zone" that does not have public expression, problematic tension. It is possible that ignoring the zone of interpersonal communication may be a kind of defensive reaction to the age perspective. "joint aging".
According to the results of the study, two types of interpersonal "off-screen" clashes are distinguished: current, associated with local affairs, as a rule, peacefully resolved, and chronic, often having a destructive effect. In older couples, there is a hidden confrontation, which can turn out to be a "combustible mixture" for a conflict. It is based on long-standing grievances associated with betrayal, incorrect behavior, with the belief that the partner cannot, does not want to live "like everyone else", that is, to meet certain standards. Often, layering, accumulation of various grievances gives a cumulative effect that causes conflict. This can manifest itself in the exchange of harsh words, up to the demonstration of obvious aggressiveness, in discontent, nit-picking, insults. Adult children, relatives, close friends are involved in the zone of tension between elderly spouses. All this unbalances many people, affects their health and performance.
It is quite clear that looking for a universal force that holds marital relations firmly and for a long time is the same as looking for a special "ticking force" in a mechanical watch (A. Bergson). Therefore, as criteria for the meaningful characteristics of interpersonal relations of an elderly married couple, we considered indicators of marital integration: Cohabitation, joint housekeeping, joint household budget, method of distribution of household duties, method of resolving interpersonal conflicts, degree of involvement in interpersonal relationships. According to the category of marital relations, we identified the following types of elderly couples.
The symbiotic relationship of spouses is growing: an elderly couple has a similarity not only in life strategies, but also in habits, everyday practices, common filters are formed that contribute to the choice of one or another interpretation of external events. These filters are perception limiters associated, firstly, with age-related neurophysiological capabilities; secondly, with socio-genetic factors: traditions, prescriptions, language systems; thirdly, with individual characteristics, which are also adjusted towards greater uniformity; often spouses even physically become similar. “Everyone tells us that we even look alike. We have learned to be silent together. I know what he thinks or what he will say” (woman born in 1932).
Symbiosis, we believe, is associated, firstly, with the quantitative and qualitative characteristics of a person's living space. Considering the living space in terms of age, the researchers note a number of patterns: during the period of his acme, a person seeks to expand the sphere of life, sometimes reaching planetary proportions. In young children and the elderly, if the latter have moved away from social activities (civil, professional), the amount of living space is much less. Secondly, symbioticity is explained by a kind of natural selection that the spouses went through during a long time together. Many socio-psychological phenomena were not characteristic of spouses from the very beginning, they were formed as a result of compensation for the corresponding intrapersonal experiences, the experience of personal relationships. “Earlier, when we were just starting our life together, we argued a lot, swore, proved our case, were offended. But now there are no contradictions between us, and if a disagreement happens, we immediately eliminate it. How? I go to the kitchen for some water drink, all the quarrels are gone" (man, born in 1934).
The increased attachment of the elderly also has a protective function. Both spouses experience similar mental states, they are characterized by a high level of empathic experiences, which largely helps to find the necessary strategies for overcoming crisis situations. “When he leaves, I can’t find a place for myself, some kind of anxiety, it will come like a mountain from my shoulders, I can do something useful” (woman born in 1940). "She is a guardian angel for me, my shore. That's why I can't get sick, I see how upset she is, she can't find a place for herself" (man born in 1929).
The reduction in the range of family social roles is usually accompanied by their concretization. In elderly families of this type, there is a differentiation of roles, which is mainly associated not with gender, but with the physical capabilities of the spouses, their inclinations. "Each of us has certain responsibilities. But, in the end, it all depends on how you feel, desire" (woman born in 1938). During the interview, the refrain was the idea of the importance "mutual efforts, sacrifices", "work on oneself", "internal critic and regulator", "finding zones of agreement", "careful directing of life together", "taking into account the interests of the other half" for building a family temple. "You need to build your family life as a work of art" (man, born in 1936).
Such a family is based on a multi-level, interconnected matrix that links past and present together and prepares to overcome the present and move forward. This is really the art of being close people who, with the help of reflexive and arbitrary practices, establish rules of behavior for themselves, and also seek to transform themselves into situations of co-presence face to face. Spouses are "attuned" to each other, become extremely attentive and notice the signals about the physical and spiritual state of the other, which he expresses, sometimes without even realizing it. This type of family is "the result of gradual accretion to each other", "a cast of mutual efforts", undertaken by each of the spouses at all previous stages of family development.
Type "conflict harmony" with the characteristic features of this type. Joint life contains both relatively peaceful and stormy days, and not very stormy clashes. The prevailing local clashes do not change the content side of the life of an elderly family. Small collisions are quite commensurate with the "normal way of communication." There is no conflict intensity. Recharging of the conflict field is carried out due to the rectifiers of the curvature of relationships, among which we note the following. Humor, self-irony - these are the sensual points that in everyday life allow you to relieve tension, defuse the situation. "I call our family the 'ship of fools', of course, as a joke. I myself like to laugh, and my wife always supports me. If there is no humor, then everything goes numb, any trifling squabble turns into a conflict" (man born in 1943). Hobbies, collecting, unpretentious domestic hobbies. In this case, the selective selection of artifacts captures only what is significant for a person, therefore it is positively emotionally charged and can become a mechanism that dampens negative emotions. "My husband has been collecting postcards for twenty years, he has twelve albums in his collection. When we start to sort things out, and there is no mutual understanding, he pulls out his albums. That's it, for him the world ceases to exist, he erects a wall and hides behind it" ( woman born in 1937).
Special Strategies "insulation" relations: "cook your favorite dish", "remember the pleasant", "invite grandchildren", "do not confuse fault with misfortune, forgive". Thanks to these mechanisms, there is a softening, more precisely, the dissolution of any collisions, and the way is opened for constructive intermarital constructions. In families of this type, with established gender roles, however, their rigid boundaries are absent, which contributes to the liberation of the intellectual space of marital relations from prejudices, archetypes of patriarchal thinking (a man is a "producer of meaning", a woman is a "bearer of meaning").
"Eternal Frost". Spouses are neither friends nor enemies, neither relatives nor strangers. Indifference comes to the place of mutual understanding or hostility. "Family" in this case is only a beautiful cover for isolated "systems". The content characteristics of marital relations include the following points: disunity and distance, atomization in the family: each on his own, as a rule, has an individual budget; pragmatic differentiation of type functions: he goes to the store, she does the laundry; decomposition of the other, when the spouse is perceived not as an integral person, but as a certain combination of functional segments.
To designate the reasons for the "freezing" of marital relations, you can use the metaphor "butterfly effect" (Ray Bradbury's "Thunder Came"). This metaphor well illustrates the fact that in family life often small reasons can cause significant changes in interpersonal relationships, give them a certain profile. “We are strangers to each other, although we have been living under the same roof for forty years now. Two children, three grandchildren. Life has passed, and we have remained each on our own, in our own vicious circle. The reason? I myself cannot answer this question. Maybe in the past I offended her with something, but with what and when? It is impossible to fix. After all, sometimes one carelessly thrown phrase can make a person freeze for life "(man born in 1935). “I can’t say exactly when the failure in family life occurred. But something important in life is not given. Now it’s too late to change anything” (man, born in 1932).
"Conflict" families, characterized by the fact that there is a progressive reduction of interpersonal relations to the level simple circuits“stimulus-reaction”, which manifests itself in the form of negative phenomena: aggressiveness, vindictiveness, total criticism of spouses. In such families, clashes are caused not so much by antagonistic reactions to ongoing changes, but are initiated by the spouses themselves, constantly "attacking" each other. The states of uncertainty and suspicion here take a chronic form and turn marital relations into "vale of suffering". Often a wide range of significant others are involved in the conflict field of spouses. Children, relatives, close friends are forced to choose the side of one of the spouses and turn into an enemy for the other. At the same time, completely random moments can act as a provocative factor: a casually dropped word, a look, gestures. In this case, we are talking not so much about local as about chronic conflicts, the reasons for which respondents often formulated in the form of a general statement. "didn't get along." Although for each "didn't get along" a special reason is hidden, opaque and implicit, often hidden for the respondent himself, which can be extracted as a result of the interpretive activity of the received interview data. We have identified the following reasons.
Unrealized plans or development projects, when one of the spouses compares himself and his life with a model or standard, while realizing his missed opportunities. Experiences associated with some biographical episode that can no longer be corrected set an imperative for behavior, emotional states, and often a situation arises when "life becomes unbearable." As a result, a person is deprived of grounds for a positive self-assessment and assessment of his life. Sometimes these can be zombie situations that are quite plausible, but in reality only imitate what is dead in reality. There is a cognitive leap into an unrealized possibility, which manifests itself in the form of a verbal statement "if only ..." At the same time, there is an inner conviction that this scenario is better than the one that exists at the moment. “It so happened that at the same time two got married at once. I liked both the one and the other. I thought and thought and, unfortunately, made the wrong choice. But all for nothing. But I would marry Sergei, I would be in "chocolate". Why am I sure? My childhood friend jumped out for him. She lived all her life like in Christ's bosom "(woman born in 1938).
Marital resentment. Heuristically significant in the analysis of interpersonal clashes is, in our opinion, the doctrine of resentment created by M. Scheler. Max Scheler defined resentment as "spiritual dynamite", "slow-acting poison of the soul". According to the author, ressentiment is a negative experience caused by extreme tension between the impulses of revenge, hatred, envy and their manifestations, on the one hand, and impotence, on the other, which manifests itself in the sphere of interpersonal relations in the form of negative phenomena: aggressiveness, vindictiveness, total criticism. Marital relations are largely influenced, according to Max Scheler, by typical resentment situations, which "due to their formative character, are, as it were, charged with a certain dose of" the danger of falling into resentment ", despite the individual characters of the people involved." In our study, we identified resentment situations associated with the following factors.
First, with resentment envy for those components that are highly valued in the sphere of interpersonal relations: wealth, beauty, intelligence, a successful career, social prestige, valuable character traits of one of the spouses to another. “My husband has always been vain. With vanity alone, however, you can’t jump far. But vanity, multiplied by beauty and charm, allowed him to make a brilliant career in power structures. And power is such a potion that hits the head, calms fears , plays jokes with a person's vision, and he begins to seem to himself much more majestic than he really is. I call this complex "super superiority". And now we have equalized with him, and I do not want to be his maid - bring it, give it, fulfill it "lordly" orders "(woman born in 1943). Secondly, with adultery. Subject adultery sounds very clear. “I always knew that they were cheating on me, but I didn’t attach any importance to it, or maybe I really didn’t want to believe it. And now I’m very hurt and hurt. I can’t forget and forgive” (woman born in 1939). Often the spouse's "real" feelings become a central and constant issue of reflection, and doubts in this relationship can destroy the everyday world of life. In certain cases, such doubts have real grounds.
Thirdly, with the situation of forced competition with the mother-in-law or mother-in-law, initiated by the so-called blind love for one's children. “When we got married, we lived with his parents. Kind, modest dad, and mom, in general, a good woman, for her son the sun is in the window. which always gets confused underfoot and does everything wrong. That's how it went and went, I'm always on the sidelines, you can not consult with me, and not share, but simply ignore "(woman born in 1938) .
The indicated situation often leads to the formation of interpersonal relations of spouses with a pronounced asymmetry of control and care, reminiscent of the relationship between a capricious child and a guardian parent. "All my life my husband is my second child. All the worries are on me - work, home, household health, study and raising a son, rest. His mother passed on all these concerns to me. And now everything remains unchanged, with the exception of our son, he lives abroad" (woman born in 1939).
Causes of intimate properties associated with mismatched attitudes in the field of sexual life. As our research has shown, sex acts as a thematic taboo for older people. Speak "about it", in their opinion, "obscene", "out of age". Reasoning on this topic was accompanied by abundant verbal "retouching", allegory, acting more as a basis for ambiguities, rather than becoming the subject of consideration. “It is kept in the depths of the soul as a secret of this relationship, and whoever talks a lot about it clearly has complexes or “not all at home”; although there are not without problems here” (woman born in 1938). Men were much more likely to confine themselves to the "respectable" version: “there are no problems at all”, “only those who have problems talk about this topic, and we don’t have them” (a man born in 1945).
Personal characteristics of behavior, hobbies and interests, which were obscured and/or compensated at the previous stages and appeared more prominently at the late stage of life together: “helps a little in household chores”, “collects all the junk and brings it into the house”, “such a connecting rod, goes to visit guests, and meets friends”, “he only cares about his grandchildren, he only talks about them”; "aggressive, he does not need peace, he is looking for new sensations."
An important point are examples of marital relations, learned in the early stages of socialization. These samples act as an integral element of background understanding (the concept of background understanding or background is borrowed by the social sciences from the terminology of Gestalt psychology and means a non-intentional predisposition of perception, evaluation, action, determined by the sociocultural context). From childhood, learned patterns become a cognitive guide to life. “All the men in his family are tough, without emotions. At first, and we lived with his family, I was with him with all my heart, only he did not accept my love. And so it went, all my desire to warm relations with him sides were always rudely suppressed. Instead of a "carrot", there was only one "stick"" (a woman born in 1939).
The answers of our respondents trace the mechanism of translation of existential life coordinates, negatively connoted (personal disorder, alienation, fragmentation of forms of being), in the direction from parents to children with a possible increasing effect. A child brought up in a family where there is no genuine interest and warmth in interpersonal relationships grows up having absolutely no idea about love, tenderness, intimacy, human warmth, transforming this to his descendants. A child growing up in a family where child abuse is a daily practice is more likely to include aggression in their own repertoire of behavioral patterns later on.
In the case under consideration, the spouses are in a state of categorical denial of the other's views, positions, preferences, they live and act on the wrong side of the order that correlates with mutual understanding and mutual support, which destroys the relationship of sympathy and care. Recently, it is not difficult to find materials on the net related to aggressiveness and violence in elderly couples, which record their various manifestations - physical, mental, including emotional and verbal aggression, financial. Acceptance of violence as a means of resolving interpersonal conflicts leads to suffering, injury, pain, violation of human rights, and a decrease in the quality of life. However, it can be stated that today in the domestic media and scientific literature there is no objective and reliable information about the scale of this social evil. Note also that gender relations in such a family reproduce the same pattern of inequality and functionalist division of roles as in the rest of the "normal" society. In our study, we were faced with the fact that, despite constant conflict situations, in the vast majority of cases, elderly spouses continue to live together. There may be several explanations for this.
Stereotyping associated with the narrowing of ideas about the repertoire of possible actions. There is a certain socially approved algorithm - we must continue to live together, there is no other alternative. In the public mind, the very procedure of divorce in late age. Divorce is considered indecent, inappropriate, which indirectly confirms the low status of an elderly person who is denied the right to choose in the family and marriage sphere. A person at this age must fit into some given canvas of public opinion, which significantly limits his freedom. There is only one socially approved way to socially position older people: to keep their marital status. “I have known this married couple since childhood, they are friends of my parents. Not everything is fine with them. So what, this is not a reason for divorce, before it was necessary to change something. Now it’s not even worth talking about. In old age, yes, get divorced. It's wonderful, everyone will think about insanity "(woman, born in 1964).
Catastrophism is the intensification of fears. Feelings of insecurity, unwelcome, fatal threat. In the sensations of catastrophism, the features of the gender life of an elderly couple are manifested. Firstly, the death of one of the spouses is an extreme situation, which requires considerable efforts to get out of. At the same time, the gender trajectories of getting out of the situation of the death of a spouse differ significantly. Men in their 60s have far more marriage opportunities than women in their 50s. According to the results of sociological studies, widowed men of late age rarely remain alone. They either die shortly after the death of their spouse, or find themselves a "helper friend". Secondly, it is necessary to take into account the presence of a crisis situation: a crisis of old age associated with retirement, a change in role repertoire, a shift in claims from social status to life experience and moral qualities. At the same time, personal anxiety increases. Moreover, the male and female crises have a different nature. For a woman, the main difficulty is connected with her appearance - the loss of attractiveness, the transition to "everyday life" without male attention. For a man, the most difficult is the meeting with the responsibility that a respectable age implies.
The presence of a universal indulgence - children, grandchildren, incorporation into the family environment, unwillingness to part with property. “It’s a pity to lose what is acquired by hard work: an apartment, a summer house, a car, etc. If you get a divorce, then you will have to somehow divide all the property, but now you can’t buy anything. b.b.).
The results obtained destroy the stereotype of ideas about elderly couples as families that are devoid of internal dynamics, the intrigue of interpersonal relationships, whose members are only "mechanically chew their age." Our research has highlighted a whole panorama of very lively, touching, and sometimes dramatic, interpersonal relationships of spouses. The value of marriage, marital support in the later stages of life is of particular importance and specificity. Marriage is one of the key values at a later age, one of the main agents of socio-psychological support and assistance. The positive impact of spousal support on the processes of rehabilitation of various groups of elderly patients, on the processes of adaptation of recovering patients and improving the ability to overcome stressful situations was also revealed. Undoubtedly, there is a wide range of individual differences in marital relations at the gerontological stage of life necessitates a more detailed socio-psychological support for older families, including the development and implementation, among other things, of an existentially oriented training program that creates conditions for improving intra-family relations.
ELYUTINA Marina Eduardovna - Doctor of Sociology, Professor, Head of the Department of Sociology, Saratov State Technical University
Recently, in Russia, as, indeed, in many other countries, the number of elderly couples who have decided to officially dissolve their marriages has sharply increased. One of the reasons for the dissolution of marriages with a solid record in Russian conditions is economic. As it turned out, older people are getting divorced in order to qualify for a housing subsidy. See: http://www.chrab.chel.SU/archive/03 - 06 - 08/2/A127559.DOC.html; http://www.kadis.ru/daily/index/html?id=48547 http://pressa.irk.ru/number1/2006/42/007001.html; http://kp.ru/daily/24088/319959/ http://www.kuzrab.ru/publics/index.php?ID=8528
Elyutina M. E. Survival strategies for an elderly family // Integrated old age: practices of social participation. Col. monograph / M.E. Elyutina, P. Thain, P.P. Great and others. Saratov: Nauka, 2007. S. 175 - 185.
The Poor in Russia: Who are they? How do they live? What are they striving for? - M.: Institute of Sociology RAI, 2008. P. 34.
Shakhmatova N.V. Sociology of generations / Generational organization of modern Russian society / Ed. A. D. Krakhmaleva. Saratov, 2000, p. 31.
Steinberg I. E., Kovalev E. M. Qualitative methods in field sociological research. M.: Logos, 1999.
Sokhan L., Kameneva I. Living space and life world of a person // Sociology: theory, methods, marketing. 2002. N 1. S. 190-201.
Sheler M. Resentment in the structure of morals / Per. with him. A. N. Malinkina. St. Petersburg: Nauka, 1999.
Some are skeptical about the idea of living a lifetime with one person, they say, “time passes, feelings cool down ...” However, the examples of those who truly value their marriage prove the opposite - love does not age, moreover, it gives strength to remain young in soul in any age. These wonderful photos of older couples are a real source of inspiration for all who believe in love.
15 PHOTOS
1. An elderly couple from the Russian village of Khalilovo, which is located in the Orenburg region: 65 years old happy marriage. And look at their faces. They are still in love with each other. 
2. They don't care about other people's opinions. They enjoy life despite their advanced age. 
3. To the store for shopping. Why not? After all, supermarkets are so boring. 
4. It's hard to look at this photo without crying. Together until the end. 
5. Youth is a state of mind, not yours. physiological age. Who said you can't play the fool at 80? 
6. The inscription on his T-shirt: "If I get lost - return me to Jane." The inscription on her T-shirt is "I'm Jane." It remains to add Jane's phone number. 
7. Who said that you need to learn only when you are young? It's never too late to learn something new. 
8. The trip didn't go according to plan. But insurance will cover everything. 
9. A win-win way to prank any woman. By the way, the misconception that in nursing homes people just live out their lives in despondency. As the employees of the Care for Relatives boarding house (http://pansionat-zabota24.ru/otzyvy/) say, a relaxed and even cheerful atmosphere reigns in good nursing homes with its own jokes and pleasant leisure. 
10. A couple coloring pictures while waiting for dinner. Children's activity will someone say? Oh well. 
11. The original way celebrate the 50th wedding anniversary. Sofa, beer and ATV. What else is needed?
