Meeting with the former: the right behavior. Remembering the past, or how to behave with an ex How to date an ex

Psychologists advise how not to lose face if the paths with the passion, now the former, have crossed again.

Why does this strange pain in the heart arise every time you see your ex-boyfriend with his new passion?

And it doesn't have to be lonely. Even in the case of a well-established personal life, when meeting with the former, there is still a treacherous trembling throughout the body. The opinions of psychologists on this matter agree that all people are owners who find it difficult to “give away” even an ex-lover or beloved, writes gen.su.

If you're feeling uncomfortable when you run into your ex, don't beat yourself up. From point of view

psychology, it is absolutely normal to react to a meeting with your past negative emotions. After all, in fact, you now face not just the past, but unfulfilled desires: this person was present in your life and even in your plans for the future. However, these plans never materialized...

Minimum of nerves

How to behave when meeting with an ex is up to you. It would be better to choose the way out of the situation that will allow you to experience as little as possible negative emotions. Even if you pass by, it will look quite natural. You do not look at all the people walking on the street.

Say hello without stopping is also an option. It is suitable for those cases when you are face to face. Nothing is required of you at all: accompany your "hello" with a polite smile ... and you can move on.

Started a conversation

If your ex starts to take an interest in your affairs, talk calmly.

And, if you do not want to demonstrate your interest in his person, do not ask him similar questions in response. Thus, it becomes clear to a person that he is indifferent to you.

In one company

It is especially dangerous if you and your ex have left mutual friends. Then the meeting is more likely, but it can always be prevented if you know in advance the list of invitees.

If, nevertheless, a meeting at a party took place, try not to run away from there as soon as you see Him. Try to reduce the general conversation to the affairs of the owners of the house, and not your ex.

He is on the other

The worst thing that can happen is to meet an ex with his new soul mate.

But calm down, this has already happened, better concentrate and stop looking at the girl who came to replace you. The facial expression in this case is restrained and cold. If you can pull in your stomach and "turn on" the gait from the hip, you will win. Then - a calm "hello" and you can disperse each in your own direction.

Second chance…

In no case should you fall for the bait of a second chance and agree to a cup of coffee with the former. If such a proposal was received, then it should be regarded as a frank hint. Don't lose your composure. Flirt, but not for long. If you didn’t succeed then, what are the chances that you will succeed now? Leave as soon as you decide that your ego will be satisfied.

Sometimes we meet people from the past. Once they were the closest and dearest: you spent every free minute together, shared your innermost thoughts and thought that happiness would last forever. Then something went wrong. Some of you fell out of love, cheated, betrayed - the reasons for parting are no longer important, since you have not been a couple for a long time. But now the former lover has reappeared in your life. How to deal with an ex? Ignore? Pretend that you are old buddies and chat friendly? Get nasty? Run away?

Typical ex-boyfriend behavior

First you need to understand what type of ex an ex-boyfriend is. Regardless of the reasons for the breakup, and who initiated the breakup, the behavior of men most often fits into one of the typical patterns:

Before making a decision about how to behave with an ex, you need to seriously think about the expediency this communication. With most men it is better not to maintain any relationship.

Unfortunately, this is not always possible, because people often start romances at work or at a university and, after a breakup, are forced to communicate with ex-lovers. In addition, no one cancels random meetings.

You need to build your behavior depending on how the ex-man behaves towards you.

Or maybe nothing ended?

Difficulties in communicating with an ex-boyfriend often arise due to the fact that feelings have not cooled down yet. You want to see him, communicate, all the time your hand reaches for the phone, and you often monitor his pages in all social networks. And when you meet in person, you cannot contain your joy.

On his part, actions are also possible that speak of his feelings - these are regular congratulations on all important and not so dates, small gifts and willingness to help at any moment. But it should be understood that here you can fall into a trap. Ex-boyfriends often diligently cultivate in the girl the feeling that "everything can be returned." That is, the ex-boyfriend diligently keeps an “alternate airfield” for himself.

How to deal with an ex in this situation? In any case, you need to disappear from the horizon for some time. A lover will be just as gentle and attentive with a girl even after a long separation, a man with less sincere intentions will look for an option that requires less effort.

Pursuer

How to behave with an ex-man who has not come to terms with separation? This type guards you near the house, tries to take you to work, diligently keeps track of where and with whom you spend your free time. He does not stop trying even after talking about how it's over, and sincerely considers your breakup an attempt to cause jealousy.

Usually, such people are not able to perceive criticism addressed to them, therefore, when they break up, the girl takes all the blame on herself - she is not ready for a relationship, for his rhythm of life, for his way of thinking, etc. The main thing is to indicate a firm “no” in time all attempts to return everything to the starting point.

After a breakup, you can’t maintain relationships with pursuers. In case of casual meetings, it is better to say hello calmly and move on, and when trying to start a conversation, refer to employment.

You can not maintain any relationship with ex-husbands. The exception is those cases when there is a child in the family.

If the ex-husband behaves towards you and the child correctly, without rudeness, then you definitely need to establish a dialogue with him. The kid must see in him loving dad and not the man who ruined my mother's life. It is sometimes very difficult to restrain yourself, but you need to try for the sake of the child.

At first, you can meet on neutral territory, only to pass the baby from hand to hand. When emotions subside, you can invite dad to your house or even arrange a common day off - for the sake of a tiny little man whom you both love.

Often, slob dads get tired of constant meetings that take up free time and gradually curtail communication. But among them there are many who are constantly present in the life of your common child and provide him with assistance of any kind (financial, moral) in any life situations. And it's worth it.

chance meeting

Remember how you behaved towards ex girlfriend guy? Most likely, you experienced jealousy, which was reflected in your perception of a person and in your attitude towards him. Now you yourself are an ex-lover, so when you meet randomly, you don’t need to give someone else a reason to be jealous.

So do not be led by your own emotions and rush to the ex-boyfriend around the neck, hug him, and even more so kiss him.

Your best friends in this situation - restraint and friendliness. We greeted each other, exchanged a couple of warm phrases and parted ways. You are each other's past, and there is no need to stir up this ashes.

To understand how to behave with an ex, use simple recommendations:

1. Be polite - a new round of mutual insults will not lead to anything good.
2. Show friendliness and affability, but not too emotionally.
3. Restraint will help save face in any difficult situation.
4. Don't get too bored. If you see that the ex is not in the mood for a conversation, do not insist on continuing the meeting.
5. There is no need to condemn anyone: neither the ex-boyfriend for getting better, nor his new passion for a tasteless handbag. We do not expose anger for show, we can only gloat a little deep inside ourselves.
6. Do not count on the resumption of relations - such illusions are dangerous and destructive.
7. Don't be condescending.
8. Don't answer questions about your personal life. Do not discuss the new man with the former.
9. Do not let yourself be provoked by boorish remarks.

The last tip is the most important - be happy! Happy people are not afraid of meeting with the ghost of past relationships, they have long forgiven everyone and do not hold a grudge against anyone.

Breaks are different. They abandoned you or you yourself wanted to end the relationship - an unpleasant aftertaste will remain in any case. A self-respecting woman should in no case show others that she is ill. If you and your ex work in the same team, be prepared for the fact that they will want to take pity on you and console you with the words "all men are goats." Do not give yourself slack even in such moments. Because all your words and complaints about the former can then be kindly put into his ears. Try to be philosophical about the breakup: you were fine, but this relationship has no prospects.

If you broke up on friends, tell your girlfriends about it. A successful and self-confident girl does not need sympathy and pity. Let outside observers get the impression that you feel great and are ready for new acquaintances. Even if you are not ready for them yet, do not spend much time in psychological introspection. Let go of your ex, play good mood until you return to optimism and positive thinking. You show your ex-man that despite everything, you continue to live and enjoy every day.

Keep your distance

Respect is caused only by those people who remain true to their word. The same goes for relationships. If you had the last word and the decision to end the relationship was your initiative, stick to it. Think about why you decided to break up before you call your ex or smile at him just like in the good old days.

And even more so, do not try to renew the relationship if the man initiated the breakup. Perhaps your relationship has really outlived its usefulness, and the loneliness that you feel now will pass in a few weeks. A survey of the male half of the population showed that they do not like it when a former passion is hung around the neck.

Conclusion: be inaccessible. Show goodwill, do not distinguish him from others - this is the best tactic of behavior after breaking up.

Do not sort things out with an ex-lover

Often, after parting, a woman is left alone with her grievances and arguments. You can spend hours scrolling through certain moments in your head, finding in behavior former man more and more flaws. And how sometimes you want to reproach him, remember how wrong he was and pry in the presence of your mutual friends. But having spoken out, you will hardly feel the expected satisfaction, but you will humiliate yourself in the eyes of others. As you know: someone who cares finds out the relationship. Even if the wounds are still fresh, control yourself and remember that your romance with this man is a page turned and not worth a minute of your time.

There can be many reasons for breaking up relationships, but there are only two options for breaking up: in a good way and in a bad way. This is the main vector that determines how to build relationships with the former further.

Consider the main options for relationships with ex-lovers:

• Friendship. "Top aerobatics" of communication "after". According to psychologists, the ability to maintain a good relationship with former partners - this is a sign of the psychological maturity of the individual. But even here there are pitfalls: often the basis for friendly relations serves as a hope for the restoration of closer fellowship. You need to remember this and not feed such hopes if attempt No. 2 is not your plan. In this case, it is recommended to either adjust your behavior in an absolutely neutral direction, or reduce meetings to a minimum. You should not choose this method of communication if only you are interested in restoring relations: imposing is not best method return feelings. In addition, if you are already in a new relationship and intend to maintain it, take into account the partner's opinion on this matter. Not all men approve of even the most innocent relationship with ex-boyfriend or husband.
• friendly relations. An ideal variant of communication between the former, who have no claims against each other and have no illusions. In this case, periodic communication, interest (within the decent) in life, or seeking help from the former does not pose a threat to new relationships or is not an obstacle to them. Although everything may not be smooth here, and under the guise of a friend, there may still be a hope to restore his status as an ex-lover.
• Communication "under duress". Most often, this path of events occurs when there is a link between the former even after parting. It can be a common business, children, social circle or work. That is, circumstances force communication. Of course, if the prospect often sees his "ex" for your nervous system unacceptable, you can change jobs, split your business, or reconsider your social circle. The exception here is children - your relationship with ex-husband shouldn't hurt them. But you do not have the right to limit their communication with the father, except in cases where he is deprived of parental rights or the children themselves do not want to see him. If you didn’t manage to stay friends or friends, find a compromise in the form of “dad days” and try not to talk bad about him.
• Sex without obligation. This communication option can be chosen if it is impossible to live together, but sometimes you can sleep. At the same time, on the one hand, good sex with a trusted partner without any obligations, on the other hand, attachment, even just sexual, to the former greatly complicates the process of building new relationships. In addition, an open relationship can be perceived as such only by one of the partners, while the other can use this situation for a “comeback”.
• No communication at all. This type of relationship after a breakup is chosen when there is no turning back. The easiest way is to “burn bridges” when circumstances make it possible to exclude any contact with the former: moving to another city or another area, changing jobs, mobile numbers and places of possible intersection (common living space, company, places of recreation and entertainment, etc.). The absence of common children and godchildren also greatly simplifies the process of complete “renewal”. It is important to remember here that games of isolation as revenge are inappropriate. If you are determined to “zero out” your personal status and start life from scratch, notify your ex right away. There is no need to give hope if it has no chance of being realized.
• War. The worst option available. Unfortunately, this method of communication is most often resorted to by partners who cannot forgive an offense and do not want to voluntarily die once loving person. Moreover, they can “poison” the life of the former (or former) both by open “combat” actions and by the method of the cold war. This option is dangerous because love for children, intimate moments of life together, material dependence, and even a simple feeling of pity can be chosen as a weapon. All this not only morally exhausts both participants in the “battle”, but also reduces the possibility of reconciliation to zero.

How to reconnect with an ex

Such prerequisites may be unacceptable habits or character traits that have not changed and will not change (both for him and for you), lack of feelings for the former (or for him for you), etc. Also, you should not have illusions about new happiness with a delinquent ex-lover if you cannot forgive and not remember his misdeeds.

Now let's move on to what needs to be done to "glue the cup" of relationships again:

1. Conduct a thorough self-analysis, the purpose of which is your true relationship with the former. Look inside yourself: do you really want a reunion, is there a chance to prevent a second break. It is important to understand that it is impossible to radically change an adult man who has taken place. You can influence some moments and correct the model of behavior, but it will not work to make another person out of it. And if some act or habit of a man was the reason for the breakup, think about whether you are ready to face the same problem again.
2. Keep your emotions under control. Do not let the longing for the former go out in the presence of others, even if it is very bad. Smile, laugh, share your optimism - everyone should know that everything is fine with you. Especially him. Therefore, leave tears for the pillow and the most trusted girlfriend. But you should not overdo it either: hysterical laughter with sadness in the eyes looks at least not aesthetically pleasing.
3. Go back to the past. Or rather, in those days when your relationship was just gaining momentum. Remember what you were then, what most attracted him to you. Return that carefree (cheerful, kind, mischievous, playful, etc.) girl who once turned his head. Walk, chat, do what you love - be happy! Let him want to be there again and share this happiness with you. Indeed, often the routine of relationships erases this beautiful image from us, and feelings are erased with it.
4. Be considerate and friendly. If you manage to maintain a good relationship after a breakup, try to gently develop them. You can meet periodically (with or without friends), go to the cinema or cafe, discuss interesting topics and events to help each other. Pleasant memories from your past relationships are very effective in refreshing your feelings: acquaintance, first kiss, comical moments or interesting adventures. Be interested in his life, give advice (if he needs them). If you were the reason for the breakup, do everything to improve and so that he sees these corrections. But the main thing - do not be intrusive until he himself is ready for more.

Important! Before establishing communication with the former, analyze his actions and attitude towards you. If he makes contact, is sincerely interested in you and everything that happens in your life, does not refuse help and does not avoid communication - there is every chance of success. Otherwise, it is better to direct all efforts to new, more promising relationships.

The main prohibitions in relations with the former

• . Ignoring his presence, being rude and hysterical are steps that will only distance you from reuniting with your ex-lover. Especially the showdown, including in public, on the phone and not quite sober. special attention will require control of his feelings of jealousy. Especially if the ex started a new relationship (or this new relationship caused the breakup). In this case, no discussion of the opponent and zealous attacks in his direction. You are grace and attraction itself. If he is still alone, you should not go to the other extreme and, regretting, constantly remind him of this.
• Poor Juliet. Another way that women resort to to get back in touch with an ex is pity. Or rather, behavior that is aimed at arousing pity in a man. Constantly letting your ex know how hard, lonely, and troubled you are can put you in the status of a liability. Although the goal was simply to show how much you need it. Moreover, you can not blame him for your troubles.
• Indefatigable activist. Excessive activity is also unacceptable - limit your interest in his life to the measures of decency. You do not need to offer him your service in any form (cooking, cleaning, washing, treatment, etc.), arguing such services by the fact that he is lonely, and it’s not at all difficult for you. The same applies to frequent phone calls - control is no longer appropriate. Moreover, you should not try to tie him to yourself with financial “ties”, work or business, you will either receive aggression in response, or you will pull everything on yourself.
• "Kind fairy. Do not hide your anger or resentment from him, he should know that at this stage you are not experiencing the most positive feelings for him. "Pronounce" these emotions - with a psychologist, friends, relatives. If you can't say it to his face, write a letter. If you can't send it to him, just burn it. The main thing is to let these feelings out, to live them. Therefore, it is a big mistake to put on a mask of a friendly and caring person if resentment gnaws inside.

How to communicate with an ex - look at the video:

Directly towards you is none other than! And not by himself, but with a new girlfriend. Moms, what are you going to do? Maybe go to the other side of the street?

The memories of the circumstances of your breakup are still fresh in your memory, and you have not yet got used to life apart. Alas! But the former glows like a new coin, and his new passion is too, yes, too (!) Looks good now.

But you should not produce complexes in yourself, scolding yourself for a gray boring dress and styling, disheveled in the wind. It is much better to take a breath-exhale, calm down, relax, gather your thoughts and appear before this couple in all its glory. Let your ex know that you have a life too! So how do you behave?

1. Don't try to hide or run away.

Yes, you can be very embarrassed, and meeting with your ex is the last thing on your plans in this life incarnation. But the fate of the villain tried, so try to get out of the situation as a winner. At least over. Do not try to run away or pretend not to notice such a charming tandem. Instead, put your most beautiful smile on your face and take the first step. Say hello! Show carelessness and self-confidence.

2. Keep your distance.

The idea of ​​hugging and kissing your ex "just for old time's sake" is a very, very bad idea. This could be a big mistake. To excite in the soul the extinguished feeling of love, to evoke deep emotions and give birth to unrealizable hopes? Do not fool yourself - you are now an ex for him, one of many. Mentally thank him for everything that happened, but do not rush into the pool with your head again.

3. Be polite but brief.

There are a million reasons why you shouldn't have long conversations with someone you once loved. In the end, you have someone to talk to and besides him. But something still needs to be said. Will you not stand like a silent pillar of salt? You can start a conversation with the phrase: “Hi! Good to see you! (smile at the former!) Are you walking? Then listen to a short answer - and boldly go about your business ... with a clear conscience.

4. Don't make a claim.

At first glance, it may seem that this meeting is the best moment to discuss who should rightfully own what was bought jointly from your once cozy family nest. But ... it only seems. It is unlikely that the former will rush now to pack in cardboard box a useful thing in the household to send you a unit with sincere tears of repentance. But it can very well bring down a stream of counterclaims on you. So do not tempt fate, be restrained. To not feel stupid after just half an hour. Act as if you were just meeting an ordinary acquaintance. The rules of decency must be observed, but no more. And then it will be recognized.

5. Don't apologize for what happened.

You may feel the need to apologize to him for something terrible you have done in the past. But now is hardly the right time for that. All apologies will be perceived by him as an attempt at reconciliation. Do you want to turn back time? So, maybe you shouldn't expose yourself like that in front of his girlfriend?

6. Behave with dignity.

How I would like to say some barb of his new passion! I want something like that! .. But you have to control yourself. Even if they found as many as three flaws in it. Do not show that you care about this meeting. Don't open up old wounds! Discuss old fashioned shoes new woman in your ex's life, you can with your best friend. In the company of this couple, this point is clearly not worth mentioning.

7. Don't try to make your ex jealous.

Telling a once loved one that everything is in order in your personal life, and your new macho seems to have descended from the pages of gloss, is hardly a good idea. Even if you are asked about it. It's just that your story can be perceived as an attempt not to lose face. Too childish and very frivolous. You are now strangers to each other, you don’t have common affairs now, so why these reports?

Attempts to force an ex rarely succeed. Remember, if in 3 months, half a year or 5 years he has not come to you even once with a bouquet of luxurious Red roses so he doesn't need it.

8. Don't be surprised by nostalgia.

Feeling sad after meeting an ex is by no means uncommon. Still, there were a lot of things that connected you. There were beautiful scenes of love, sweet notes and sincere confessions. But the main thing in this sentence is the word "were". What was, is gone. Do not give up! The best is always ahead of us - believe in it!

9. Don't stand too long.

Attempts to delay an ex-boyfriend in order to enjoy a chance meeting are doomed to failure. Even in your own eyes. Do not stand for a long time, thereby showing that you are still waiting for something. It's better to just stop waiting...

Be happy in harmony with yourself and the whole world!