Disagreements in raising children. Disagreements in matters of raising a child in a family Consequences of disagreements for a child

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One-year-old baby and the word “no”

Are you familiar with the situation when your one year old baby scatters toys, takes out the contents of all drawers and cabinets that he can reach, spills cereal in the kitchen, reaches into sockets, turns the computer on and off, knocks on a mirror or glass door with a wooden hammer... And does not understand the word “impossible.”

Dad insists that the child cannot be spoiled, but mom thinks that if there is an opportunity, then why should the baby be denied an extra toy? Or vice versa, after going to the store with dad, the baby becomes the happy owner of numerous sweets and toys, and mom is already tired of sorting out useless purchases and finding room for new ones. And in general, he believes that there should not be many toys. Conflicts between parents are especially acute during the period of age-related whims in the child, at a time when the baby “tests the boundaries of what is permitted.”

Each of the parents in such conflicts considers their opinion and vision of the situation to be the only correct one, while the opinion of the other is wrong. Why is this happening?

First of all, because the baby’s parents grew up in different families, and each family develops its own special parenting style.

Secondly, often, an alliance is formed by people who grew up in families with diametrically opposed parenting styles. In one family there was a very strict parenting style with strict rules, punishments and high demands, while in the other the rules could be revised, agreed upon, the requirements for the child were softer, mistakes were more easily forgiven, and there was more support.

Each parent brings to his family, first of all, the method of raising children that was applied to him. People “automatically” pronounce all the words that they were told in childhood, react to the child’s actions in the same way as their parents once did, without realizing why and why they are doing it.

When a spouse claims that it is necessary to raise a child in a completely different way, it is very difficult for the other to accept this, since it goes against what the person is accustomed to and what he considers normal and correct. Likewise, spouses at the beginning life together They find out the fact that in everyday life they have completely different habits and preferences brought from their parents’ families. As a rule, it is easier for people to agree on everyday issues than to bring their views on raising children to a common denominator. Still, this is a very emotionally significant area and a great responsibility. Therefore, even those spouses who lived “harmoniously” before the birth of the child may begin to quarrel.

If the family has successful experience in overcoming disagreements before the birth of the baby, then based on this, parents can “sit down at the negotiating table.” Discuss what each of them thinks about the controversial issue; discuss how it was in his (her) family; discuss the information that was gleaned from articles and books, consultations with specialists. And, based on the conversation, develop a general way of interacting with the child, decide what is acceptable in the family, what is acceptable in certain circumstances, and what will be considered categorically unacceptable. It is very important to listen carefully to each other. Perhaps, at first glance, “strange” ways of interacting with a child have a rational grain behind them and, in essence, pursue the same goals as the educational methods that are familiar to you.

Identifying common goals helps parents unite and helps them understand each other. Such conversations are necessary in the family throughout the entire period of raising children. This helps to avoid arguments between parents in front of their children about their upbringing.

Sometimes it happens that even before the birth of a child there was no peace in the family, and even then, new conflicts related to raising a child are only a continuation of old relationship problems that were previously unresolved by the spouses. In fact, spouses, aggressively discussing issues of raising children, are simply once again sorting out the relationship between themselves, and the child is just a convenient excuse. In such a situation, it is best to contact a family psychologist. And if you are sure that your other half will “never go to these charlatans,” then you can ask for help individually. Family psychologist can begin to work with one family member, help him understand what is happening. And in the future, if necessary, the psychologist will find a way to motivate the rest of the family members to work.

Want a little session of healthy white envy? Imagine that there are families in which there is unanimity on the principles of raising their children. And no matter how the child behaves, no matter what happens to him, these wonderful families know for sure what to do in such cases, how to react, what to say and how to behave. Mom and dad (and grandparents) breathe in unison, their roles are strictly distributed, “what is good and what is bad” they know as “Our Father.” Introduced? Are you jealous? Very good. Now close your eyes, take a deep breath and relax: such families do not exist. And there are more than enough reasons for this.

Conflicts compensate for lack of experience

In a dispute, we easily notice the mistakes of our opponents, but do not pay any attention to the fact that we are right. But it is precisely the dispute that forges the conviction of one’s own infallibility. By defending our most correct opinion, we gain firm confidence in the implementation of our educational theories. This is what is most valuable in an argument.

How can you be confident that you are doing the right thing if you have little or no experience? If your knowledge of how to raise a child is, at best, taken from books and TV? Think about it. And say thank you to the wonderful opportunity to argue: to argue about how best to raise your child.

Imagine for a moment that everyone left you alone. “Do as you please. Do as you see fit." Now what? Now all responsibility falls on you. Now your decisions are devoid of that emotional power, that unshakable confidence that they had before. Without knowing how others are wrong, we begin to doubt what we are doing. right steps. Without convincing others own rightness, we lose confidence that we are right.

Conflict is a sign of self-doubt and lack of experience. This is a healthy sign that helps you cope with difficulties. The teenager, still very unsure of his abilities, compensates for this with desperate self-confidence. He rushes into argument on any occasion, he defends his opinion, he shows incredible stubbornness. So do the parents in “ adolescence» are saved from educational uncertainty and inexperience in constant disagreements and conflicts. If this is the case for you, don’t worry, this is a normal situation.

What about conflicts with grandparents?

In fact, grandparents very rarely get into arguments about raising children. The conflict comes from the side of the “teenager,” for whom any of his grandparents’ upbringing recipes are intolerable to the point of headache.

Who slams the door? And who says that “I can’t hear this anymore”? Who complains about their indulgence (grandparents punish their grandchildren less often and spoil them more)? The conflict is one-sided. It's always the "teenager" who argues. “Parents” (grandparents) are already experienced enough in educational matters to argue for the sake of arguing. They know exactly what is best and therefore methodically “push through” theirs: openly or secretly.

The “parent” argues only when he wants to achieve his goal (well known to him). But the “teenager” (mom or dad) will argue in any case: and regardless of how the “parents” behave. And even if they behave strictly the way he wants, the “teenager” will still argue and conflict. That's the way he's built.

“Interests” of parents and interests of the child

See how things turned out. You may have thought you were looking out for the child's best interests. And all these disputes were subordinated to one single goal: to bring maximum benefit to the baby. In fact, the argument helps not so much the children as the parents. Compensate for uncertainty and confusion, give decisiveness to your steps.

But don’t worry, this does not mean at all that in this case the child is left to the mercy of fate. In conflicts, a strong and stable model of upbringing is formed, and any actions of parents become confident and purposeful. Of course, we cannot say that they are always infallible. Mistakes are inevitable. But confident and decisive actions on anything (the child is sick, the child is naughty, he eats poorly and behaves “badly”) will always be best choice than complete helplessness.

In psychology it is formulated like this: “it is better to have an incorrect picture of the world than not to have any at all.”

Confidence comes only with experience, and experience is acquired through years and years of educational work. Starting our journey as a parent, we have neither the first nor the second. Ask yourself: will it be good if you live in inaction for years, waiting for healing experience and parental wisdom to fall on you from heaven?! No, no, no, you need to act now. Let it be in conflicts, even in temporary disagreements and contradictions. This will benefit both you and your child. Here and now, not later.

From conflict to compromise

The feeling of being right that comes from an argument gives you confidence. And this is good. The problem is different: if one of the “disputants” is in chronic delusion, this is very dangerous for the family. It can split into two halves, like a walnut. Your ever-misguided opponent will one day give up on everything that is happening, he will tell you: “do as you know.”

As a result, everyone will lose: you will lose confidence, and your opponent (most often a man) will isolate himself from the child, reducing his educational impulses to the phrase “do something, you are a mother.” And your baby finds himself de facto in single-parent family, without a father. Like this.

The situation is aggravated by the fact that both disputants are sincerely convinced: they are driven by a “sacred goal”, they are trying only for the good of the child. But now you already know that this is not entirely true. Or not at all. Parents argue because they want to fill in the gaps of their experience, their confidence in understanding what is happening. In disputes or disagreements about how best to raise a child, parents first of all solve “parental” problems, not “children’s” problems. And only the result of this dispute brings benefit to their child.

Now you know how things really are. And if so, then remember once and for all: people are very sensitive to their wrongness, and men especially. It’s good if your husband argues with you and tries to impose some educational theories. This means that he is concerned about what is happening, that he is looking for solutions to emerging situations. To deny your husband that he is right and to make him a teaching cripple is guaranteed to destroy the integrity of the family.

You may not take into account grandmothers (relatives, nannies and other flying teachers), but both family members are obliged to admit that each other is right in certain educational issues.

What they lack in experience is compensated by being right, and both family members need this equally. Women are objectively more important, because the main “burden” of raising a child falls on them. But, in fact, equally, for a man more than a woman needs the dominance of his theories about how to do the right thing.

How conflict situations affect the child?

The child's psyche is very plastic and adaptive; it easily adapts to a variety of circumstances. And if parents, in the heat of a pedagogical conflict, do not throw frying pans at each other, then there will be no problems. For example, a father may punish a child, but a mother will regret it.

Completely different (contradictory) educational strategies, right? And what's the problem? Your child can easily adapt to such disagreements. Dad is strict but fair, and my mother is kind, she will always take pity on me. And my grandmother takes me to the zoo. And grandpa will allow me to play carefully with a pocket knife. No problem.

Conflict situations (educational and not only) are dangerous in cases where:

• They can scare the child (aggressive showdown);
  Disputes on raised voices and shouting intonations, nonverbal (or even verbal, which is even worse) expression of aggression, breaking dishes or throwing objects, and so on. All this can frighten your baby.
• They drag the child into conflict (showing up the relationship with his participation);
  Usually, parents instinctively try to hide any conflicts from their children: be it against him, or even among a get-together. “Let’s not be in front of the child,” “speak more quietly.” And it is right.
  Imagine that two doctors seeing you were arguing with each other about how to treat you. Unpleasant feeling, isn't it? Let all your disputes and disagreements remain out of the child’s sight.
• The child becomes a victim of conflict (they were punished, their toys were thrown away);
  Conflict is conflict: there is always a danger that your child will fall under hot hand. Moreover, as they say, he is the “cause of the fire.” If one party is very dissatisfied with the outcome of the dispute, or if the parents do not come to a common opinion, then the child may be the extreme one. A scapegoat, in short. I can’t say that this is done on purpose: rather, it’s a breakdown, an accident. Try not to do this. The child will have a very hard time with this hot hand of yours.
• The parent “pits” the child against the opposing parent (dad is bad);
  Very bad. The child turns into your crying vest, with which you take out your frustration and anger at your opposing parent. Of course, it will become easier for you, but what should your child do? How should he live now and what should he feel now? A parent simply cannot be bad for a child by definition. If he is objectively bad (drinks, assaults) and his vile behavior cannot be shaded even by the most vivid fantasy, then you need to get a divorce. In all other cases, the child must be sure that his parents are good, the best. “Your dad is good. It’s just that he’s going through a difficult period right now and he’s doing the most in the best possible way. But he loves you very much."
• Conflict leads to alienation (they don’t talk, they slam doors);
  An obvious problem. The resulting alienation and hostility over how best to act towards your child leads to you making the worst choice. And your child finds himself in a vacuum: he will remain there until you make peace with your significant other. Even adults (in the role of the third) have a hard time experiencing a conflict in which they find themselves an accomplice: well, for example, you came to visit your relatives, and they quarreled in your presence. Is it hard to watch? I want to fall through the ground. Now imagine how a child feels: it is much harder for him than for adults. Therefore, under no circumstances should conflicts be allowed to drag on. Let him give in, let him compromise, but only so that your conflict comes to naught as quickly as possible. For the sake of the baby.
• Conflict is accompanied by a strong release of negative emotions;
  Logic appears in school, and common sense not before college. Before this, your child reacts to what is happening mainly emotionally. Infants are especially sensitive to this: they accurately guess the smallest changes in mood and “join” it. Your hysterics, your clutching at the heart and validol, your streams of tears: all this will become the most difficult test for a child. He might even get sick.
• The problem that led to the conflict is getting worse;
  I guess it's just so you don't bang your head against the wall. Don't fall to the floor, screaming and kicking your legs, don't cry and don't scream in a bad voice. And if you fight and fall, screaming and kicking your legs, then there is a serious reason for this. I'm talking about you, the adults. And I’m sure that you definitely don’t do all of the above because you “want to be capricious.”

Yes of course. Adults are adults because they have smart minds. But children don’t yet have this smart mind - and they just want to be capricious, “You’re living a great life.” It’s strange, but many parents have exactly this theory. If a child cries, then he is capricious. If he screams in pain, then he is harmful. If he complains about fear, he grows up to be a liar. And so on.

To say that your child is “naughty,” and even more so to punish him for it, is the height of ignorance. If a child is “naughty,” this means that a misfortune has happened to him that he cannot overcome (and often he himself does not even understand what exactly is bothering him). And there is nothing worse than punishing a child because he feels bad, hurts and is scared. Remember this.

If you and your husband have different views on parenting, how can you raise a child together? After all, all your disagreements with your husband in raising a child are reflected precisely on him...While parents argue until they are hoarse, deciding where to put a comma in the phrase “Punish cannot be praised,” their child does not know how to please both of them.

How can we agree among ourselves on a parenting strategy? And is it even possible?

Two sides of one life

It is not difficult to notice that a man and a woman often disagree on most important issues. For education, this is not a minus, but a plus, because different views of parents help the child form a more complete picture of the world. But for this, adults need not to quarrel, but to appreciate each other’s unique roles, inherent in a woman-mother and a man-father by nature itself.

From the mother, the child learns the ability to express emotions - love, concern, care, empathy. She also instills in him tact and diplomacy, allowing him to negotiate even with very aggressive people. And the father shows the child how to cope with his feelings, take responsibility and make decisions in case of danger.

If a child falls and cries, the mother should feel sorry for him, and the father should advise him on how to minimize losses. But often, instead of receiving help from both sides, the baby finds himself caught in the crossfire. “Have mercy on the child! Can’t you see that he’s crying?” - Mom is indignant. “It’s okay, it’ll heal before the wedding!” - the father retorts.

Disagreements with your husband in raising a child are a difference in reactions to the same event; you need to give the child the opportunity to receive double support, and not be a reason for your quarrel.

Another important role of the father is a critical look at the actions of the baby. While mom admires the blue hippo bear on children's drawing, Dad lists the shortcomings that prevent this painting from claiming the title of masterpiece.

This way the child maintains a high level of self-esteem, and at the same time he learns to calmly respond to critical remarks.

Very common female mistake- the desire to protect the child from... the father. Is it possible to trust a husband to take a baby in his arms, much less bathe him? How to send a five-year-old son with his dad fishing?.. As a result, the father not only does not gain the necessary experience in dealing with the child, but also distances himself from him emotionally, perceiving the heir as a part of his wife, and not as his own continuation.

Moreover, he places all responsibility on his wife and subsequently blames her for the inevitable mistakes. Do not justify your pedagogical principles with an omnipotent maternal instinct. Give your husband the opportunity to realize his father's.

Disagreements with my husband in raising a child and ways to get closer

Despite the difference in approaches, there are fundamental principles in education important questions, in which parents simply need to agree on opinions. Otherwise, the child will quickly learn to manipulate adults, playing on the contradictions between them.

Discuss your child's pranks with your husband to find out which of them he considers serious offenses and which are acceptable. Men are much more likely than women to forgive their children for displays of aggressiveness and risky behavior such as climbing trees or jumping over a fence.

Having approved a unique list of “crimes,” you and your husband will be less likely to disagree, scolding your child for some offense.

Sometimes you really want to spank a child... But psychologists and teachers are unanimous: physical punishment does not instill in a child anything other than reciprocal hostility and fear. If your husband is a heavy hand, show him statistics and scientific articles, refer to the experiences of relatives or neighbors, so that he understands that refusing spanking is a necessity, not softness.

Disagreements with your husband in raising a child - agree to help each other in those moments when one of you has poor control over your anger. Try to use the same punishments. It is better that there are no more than 2-3 of them and it is desirable that they are associated with depriving the baby of children’s “values” - sweets, cartoons, games on the tablet.

At the same time, try not to deviate from your demands, otherwise the baby will know that mom or dad can somehow be moved to pity and avoid punishment.

If your husband believes that your daughter should wash dishes from the very day she began to reach the sink (“Otherwise she will grow up to be a bad housewife!”), you are unlikely to convince him. Better ask him to buy doll dishes and let the girl train.

Many men place excessive demands on their children, claiming that their parents did the same. At such moments, there is a great temptation to say something caustic about the teaching talents of the mother-in-law. Do not even think about it! So you will move from issues of education to mutual insults. It’s better to help your husband look at the baby objectively.

Give the example of some respected relative of your spouse: “Our Temka is so similar to Dmitry Petrovich! I think you’re worrying in vain: what you consider the child’s disadvantages are the very genes that helped Dmitry Petrovich achieve success!”

Disagreements with your husband in raising a child - what to feed the baby, how to dress him in hot and cold weather, how to protect him from injuries? These questions concern all parents. But you can only find out how a child reacts to a particular food and weather through trial and error. And no one is safe from falls and bruises.

Don't blame each other if one of you makes a mistake. Try to perceive what happened as an invaluable experience that will help you avoid more serious problems.

A HUSBAND AND A WIFE ARE COLLABORATES IN THE EDUCATION OF THEIR CHILDREN. THEREFORE THERE SHOULD NOT BE ANY DISPUTES BETWEEN THEM IN THIS PROCESS. THE LACK OF UNITY IN PARENTS IN THE PRINCIPLES OF EDUCATION HAS A NEGATIVE INFLUENCE ON THE FORMATION OF CHARACTER IN CHILDREN.

Unity between parents in the process of raising children indicates their certain maturity in this matter. On the contrary, disagreements in parenting are a signal of disharmonious relationships between spouses. In such a family, the child finds himself hostage to parental uncertainty, inconsistency and, as a result, a spectator of their conflicts. If parents are unable to agree and resolve conflicts among themselves, then what can the child do? He has no choice but to adapt to such conditions. He learns to his advantage how to manipulate and how to survive in this complex world of emotions and relationships. It is difficult for such a little person, who is brought up in a contradictory environment, to develop the correct principles, beliefs and character traits, which does not at all contribute to the harmonious and holistic development of the individual.

The main causes of parental disagreements

There are several main reasons why parents disagree in raising children. Firstly, the educational experience of both adults, which they each acquired in their childhood, has an effect. Some tend to completely copy the way they themselves were raised. Others, on the contrary, based on their negative experiences and memories, choose a completely different parenting style for their child. Also, differences in character, temperament and, naturally, in the psychology of the parents’ gender also play an important role. Mothers, by their feminine nature, are prone to a softer, even permissive style of parenting. On the contrary, fathers are more rational, principled and strict. A father can severely punish his son for incorrect, unacceptable behavior. And his kind-hearted mother feels sorry for him. How much more will you suffer in life! She can unilaterally mitigate her father's punishment. At this time, the child may beg for a gift, sweets, or simply tokens of attention. The father, observing the “mother-child” coalition, experiences disdain for his authority and feels humiliated by his importance in the process of upbringing. If this happens over and over again, the father eventually either becomes disappointed and ceases to take further part in raising the child, or once again begins to defend his position, sorting out the relationship with his wife, which is often expressed in raised voices in the presence of the child. A child, seeing disagreements between parents, subconsciously learns to play on this. When it is beneficial for him, he will listen more to his father. In this case, the mother will be the loser. If he needs something from his mother, he will get it, but again by humiliating his father’s authority. Doesn’t it often happen that when a child is denied something by his father, he, without getting upset, immediately seeks the same from his mother, or vice versa?

Consequences of disagreements for a child

The most unpleasant thing is that parental mistakes have a very serious impact on the child. And not only on his emotional state, but also on his physical health. If there are disagreements between parents, constant scandals, arguments in front of the child, children begin to suffer from prolonged fears, enuresis, outbursts of aggression, and constant increased anxiety. Have you noticed that some children are more calm, balanced and developed? They are able to flirt on their own for a long time and do not require too much attention. Others, on the contrary, seem to be wound up all the time. They are constantly missing something, someone is interfering. It is difficult for such children to control themselves and to concentrate on something longer. The conclusion is simple! Regardless of temperament, the more a child is in a calm environment that does not irritate the nervous system, the more calm and balanced he will be. And vice versa. The more screams, quarrels, and contradictory situations in the presence of a child, the more psychological and physical damage the child will suffer.

How to do the right thing?

A person is more inclined to hear and understand himself, but not another. But developing the ability to listen to others is very valuable. Don't forget about this simple method problem solving - negotiation table.

There are simple rules that will help you be wiser and achieve unity in your upbringing:

1. Never argue or sort things out in front of your child!

2. Never allow expressions that undermine the authority of the other half: “You are a worthless father. All the problems are because of you”, “You are a bad mother”...

3. Never sort things out in a state of anger. All negotiations should be conducted only in a calm state, face to face.

4. Read books and articles on raising a child, thereby increasing the level of your parental education. To become a doctor, you need to study for 5-7 years. To become a parent, is it enough to just give birth to a child? How to become a good parent without quality education? Don't reinvent the wheel. Read!

5. Don't be afraid to turn to specialists for help when the situation gets out of control. We are not ashamed to go to the doctor when we are sick!

6. Make all fundamental decisions regarding the child’s wishes and requests together and in no case unilaterally. Husband and wife are close collaborators in education. Be interested in each other’s opinions, and if you do not have a common opinion, discuss, argue, lovingly convince each other, look for compromises, give in, but do not allow division and disagreement that your children would observe.

7. Agree among yourself once and for all to take the same position and have the same opinion in the eyes of the child on fundamental issues. If there are disagreements in upbringing, let everyone tell in a favorable atmosphere how he sees the child’s future and what methods he plans to achieve this. Know your parenting style and adjust it to be authoritative. According to research, parents have four parenting styles.

Four parenting styles

Authoritative.
The best style is based on the recognition of authority by children, which parents not only have due to their status, but have also earned in their eyes. This style is also called democratic. It provides for personal responsibility and participation in the development of the child’s personality, but the child’s right to self-development is also recognized. An adult objectively understands which demands need to be dictated and which ones need to be negotiated. Also, the adult is ready, if necessary, to reconsider his positions and compromise.

Authoritarian.
An adult has a very good idea of ​​what a child should be like and makes every effort to bring him closer to the “ideal.” Excessive demands, categoricalness, and intransigence are the main components of authoritarian relations.

Liberal.
The parent values ​​his child highly and communicates easily with him. His weaknesses are forgiven and his opinion is trusted. There are practically no prohibitions in this style of parenting. Control and restrictions are very poorly developed. As a rule, children cannot cope with so much freedom; this style of parenting can harm them more than help them.

Conniving.
Adults have too many problems and troubles, so the problem of education is not a priority for them. In this situation, the child has to solve his problems on his own. In this style of parenting, there is virtually no emotional attachment between the child and the adult.

How to cope with the “help” of grandmothers?

It is worth listening to the opinions of grandparents. Years of experience should not be dismissed. But parents still play the main roles. They bear the main responsibility for raising children. But if it happens that after communicating with grandparents the child needs to be brought back to “feeling” for a long time, then their methods of influence are not entirely suitable for you. In this case, you should discuss it with them. As a last resort, if they do not want to hear you, then it is better to reduce communication with your grandparents to the necessary minimum until they listen to your position. Out of respect for your parents, who have become grandparents, this should be done as delicately as possible. Every person has their own strengths and weak sides. Grandparents have them. Leave Grandma to do what she does best. And take on the rest. And be sincerely grateful for any possible help.

Differences are not necessarily bad; they help spouses complement each other. Two heads are better than one. It is important to make it clear to the child that mom and dad are a single whole in fundamental matters. The best thing a father can do for his child is to love and respect his mother. The main thing a mother can do for a child is to love and respect his father.

Love, acceptance, discipline plus agreement between all family members are the foundation for the proper upbringing of a child.

Remember, your unity in raising children is the most important element their upbringing!

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Service for placing children in families

Disagreements in matters of education

Test of education

Is disagreement in the family a disaster or a reason to show love and mutual understanding? How can we ensure that family disagreements, especially regarding issues of raising a child, do not cause harm to the same child?

It is often believed that in a good family and harmonious marriage there should be no disagreements between parents regarding upbringing, and vice versa, if there are disagreements, it means something is wrong with the family. That in this case, most likely, the prospects for its development are doubtful, and for children, having parents with different points of view is clearly bad.

But in reality, it is extremely rare for both parents to completely agree on the answers to the main questions about raising children, especially while they are small, because people are just starting to be parents. Let us dwell briefly on the types of disagreements.

Discord by default.

Parents grew up in different, dissimilar families, perhaps with different tastes and preferences, views on their favorite movies or music. Based on this, they have formed different views on how to properly and usefully educate, as well as on how to properly prepare soup, or clean an apartment, and spend weekends.

For example, my mother’s family was complete, and the main authority was the father, but the family in which the current father grew up was incomplete, and the mother dominated there. Such married couple will probably be faced with resolving questions about who is in charge in the family and in upbringing. And it may take years to resolve these issues... And there is nothing wrong with that. Cases where people have the same views can rather be considered exceptional.

Here’s another example: in the family where my mother grew up, it was customary for children to go to music school. And in the family where dad grew up, there was a cult of sports. If there were no serious shocks related to music or sports in the personal biographies of the spouses, they will consider normal what was accepted in parental family. One will think that it is right to teach music, and the other will think that it is right to give to sports. It happens that it is possible to combine classes, but more often such a combination is impossible, the child simply does not have enough time and energy for this. We have to choose, in connection with which disagreements arise.

These are the so-called “default disagreements” that arise due to differences family stories and traditions of the spouses. It is useful to formulate such disagreements in words and discuss them, preferably at a neutral time.

Neutral time is 10-15 minutes of calm conversation, when no one is in a particular hurry, and most importantly, when the relationship is not overshadowed by strong emotions, the spouses do not have any special complaints about each other. It is useful to free up such neutral time for the “pedagogical council”, or even organize it in a special way, in order not to accumulate disagreements. After all, if people don’t talk to each other, it’s extremely difficult for them to come to an agreement. And conversation in conflict is not very productive.

Coordinated positions do not at all mean complete unanimity in upbringing, but make different, perhaps even opposite, opinions not mutually exclusive - when one of the spouses respects the opinion of the other and does not disqualify him either in his own eyes or in the eyes of the children, which is very important.

Accept another's point of view.

Some disagreements cannot be eliminated at all: people remain unconvinced. For a child, parental disagreements will be difficult and dangerous if the parents have not learned to accept each other. It is a big difference to share a point of view and to accept a point of view different from your own. Unfortunately, we are accustomed to thinking that only one point of view is possible. But in the living organism of a family, one point of view is impossible. A single point of view can only be chosen in a radical way, when one forcibly refuses what is close, understandable and pleasant to him.

In families, different positions regarding education often clash, and primacy is most often established. female opinion. The family concludes that the mother will be the expert on education and development in case of diverging points of view.

The place of the head in the family.

The woman is either appointed as the chief parenting expert or takes over the position with or without a fight, and the other point of view, presumably Dad's, is pushed out. This leads to a complex structure, the so-called “peripheral father,” when the woman is responsible for everything related to children. The woman bears the entire burden of everyday work and organizing training and education. Having closed all these threads on herself, she also complains that other adults, in particular her husband, do not support her, do not help her and are not even interested enough in what is happening in the family! This makes the family structure extremely unstable, with a big flaw. In case of difficulties and problems in the education system, studies, behavior or development of a child, a woman says: “It’s difficult for me, I can’t do it” and may hear in response: “You chose this yourself, figure it out yourself and live with it yourself.” This turn of events is very offensive for the mother and extremely harmful for the child, but it is quite natural: distanced, implicitly deprived of the right to vote in the main issues of upbringing, the father feels entitled to respond in just this way.

And only a man with great inner nobility and patience can say: “Well, finally, I have waited for the moment when you need my participation. Let's talk".

But the situation of distancing is formed slowly, gradually, starting from the child’s infancy. You can even describe the standard path along which such scenarios develop.

It all starts with the fact that it is women who look after children from birth. It is not customary for us to divide maternity leave between two people. During maternity leave a woman becomes a professional mother. She reads special literature on education, goes to classes with the child, visits parenting forums on the Internet and forms an idea of ​​how to raise a child. At best, mom shares her observations with dad. At worst, they have little time to talk and try to talk either about something related to their routine, or about something that is interesting to both of them, but is not related to the child. A woman accumulates information, draws conclusions and informs her husband after the fact, without noticing it. A very feminine strategy - “I thought, I decided, and you confirm my decision and sign.” Often the father is only introduced to the decision made, not talking about its rationale. I thought about it and we decided. For example: “We are sending our child to a Montesori kindergarten.” Dad, who has not lost the desire to feel, asks: “Why in Montesori?” Mom: “Oh, what are you talking about, I read five books and compared six different systems education in early age, walked around ten gardens, talked with the managers, with twenty mothers, well, what are you going to tell me, this is the most best garden!” This may be said more or less emotionally, but the situation is standard.

It’s rare that a mother, before making a decision, will find an opportunity to convey information to her heavily busy dad. With a kindergarten or a class, a section, the decision happens quickly, and then the habit arises of considering oneself in the family the minister of education, culture, and health. All these “ministerial portfolios” are traditionally for women, especially in a single-career family where the mother does not work.

The field of childhood, upbringing, growing up today is strongly feminized - in the classroom teachers and educators are women. Men sometimes take their children to childcare centers in the morning, but it is difficult for them to fit into this field and share their portfolios. This requires unconventional efforts, so to speak, moving against the tide.

Distancing, pushing out a man is the most primitive way of not seeing disagreements and not resolving them. With a high probability, a child in such a family by the age of five will say: “But dad doesn’t know anything, doesn’t understand anything about this.” It turns out that the father is forced out of a significant part of the life of the child and family, or he is assigned secondary, auxiliary roles. Normal men, not henpecked, find it difficult to accept the role of a trailer following a steam locomotive.

Men are often poor executors of women's plans. Dad, who is pushed out of the decision area, gets the leftovers. “Here’s a notebook for you, please study with him. How do you work with him? Sit closer to him! Turn off the computer, tell it how to hold the pen!” - these are typically female, quite recognizable remarks. Mom, delegating the role of assistant to father, also controls him very tightly.

It is quite possible to describe a more harmonious path for the development of family relationships. And this path of joint development is connected with big amount conversations and discussions. It is useful to talk before the birth of the child, and during pregnancy, and while the child is growing. Reading books on development and education is useful not only for women.

Disagreements grow with children.

Often in those families where the normal “discrepancies” of the first years of marriage are not resolved, and a coordinated position is not developed, as the child grows and the next one is born or appears adopted child The misunderstanding only intensifies.

And no wonder: after all, what older child, the more serious problems parents have to solve. As they say, “little children don’t let you sleep, but big kids won’t make you sleepy”...

According to the plan harmonious development families, these tasks should have gradually increasing complexity: first, they agreed on how and who will put the baby to bed, then, how to react to the fact that a one and a half year old child is running away from you on the street, after that, what to do with the disobedience of a three-year-old, a few more years later - about how to react to a first-grader’s reluctance to do homework, and only then - how to behave with a teenager.

If any of these steps are missed in the parents’ agreement, it becomes more difficult to develop a coordinated position.

This happens because contact is lost, and, as a result, there is less opportunity to reach an agreement. Or because grievances have accumulated. Resentment and a feeling of misunderstanding can be associated not only and not so much with upbringing. For example, dissatisfaction may be caused by the financial situation of the family, how and how much dad participates in the domestic sphere - whether he helps at all and how he helps, or in the area of ​​marital interaction. Accumulated misunderstanding and dissatisfaction in the above areas can be projected into the area of ​​raising children.

How can we tell if we are dealing with a projection? Or are these disagreements from the lives of adults that are disguised as differences in upbringing?

If dissatisfaction and reticence have nothing to do with upbringing, claims emerge that are called “from Adam.” And the reason may be small, but there are too many emotions - a disproportionate reaction to a trifle. In such situations, it is better to find out “where the legs grow from,” which is the real source of disagreement, and not to throw out on the child something that does not directly relate to him and his upbringing. It is better to solve problems in the area of ​​the relationship in which they arose. But sometimes it is extremely difficult to return them there. Because arguing about whether or not to punish a child is easier and safer for adults than talking, for example, about problems in the intimate sphere.

Third wheel.

Often, the position of the “grandparents,” that is, grandparents, only aggravates the disagreements between spouses. Of course, you need to listen to the opinions of grandmothers. But parents should play the main role in education. It is the parents who are responsible for the child; on their shoulders lies the concern for his mental, physical, aesthetic and moral education.

Often it is the grandmother who becomes the provocateur in clashes between parents. Why? There can be many reasons for this.

Firstly, ancestral families, unfortunately, according to statistics of recent decades, are often not only not harmonious, they are often simply incomplete. Quite a lot of divorces happen when children are already grown up and on their feet. And the advice of older people who have a skeptical or negative attitude towards marriage is unlikely to serve to strengthen the family.

Secondly, society, views on relationships, education, time management and many other issues are changing very quickly. Often parents and grown-up children disagree about everything in the world, but especially sharply in matters of upbringing, treatment, and education of children.

The most negative option that can arise in the presence of disagreements is the formation of a coalition of one of the spouses with one of the grandparents, and mainly with grandmothers. “Mom and I think so and so, and we are right, but you (husband) don’t understand anything.”

If there are different opinions, the husband and wife should first develop a common or agreed upon strategy for the couple, and only then share ideas with their parents. Otherwise, the spouses are in danger of serious separation: after all, a person who feels support from the outside is less inclined to compromise. As they say, “in a marriage, every third person is superfluous.”

The role of an ally in a coalition against the spouse can be a friend of the wife or a friend of the husband, and virtual interlocutors from social networks.

Let's outline approximate “safety precautions” in case of disagreement:

It’s better not to accumulate them (like unpaid bills), but to try to talk them through;

It is better to use neutral tense for such conversations;

If you are very irritated, postpone educational discussions if possible: all negotiations, all decisions should be made only in a balanced state;

Try not to forget: if your spouse behaves or thinks differently than you, this is unlikely to be done to spite you - he is simply a different person;

Close people do not necessarily have to think alike, but it is certainly useful for them to learn to respect and take into account opinions different from their own;

Drawing others into disagreements means “feeding” these disagreements;

To sort things out in front of children means to “saw the branch on which you are sitting”, to destroy family basis, undermine the feeling that parents are one team;

Do not make statements in front of your children that could undermine the authority of your other half in his eyes: “You are a bad father, it’s because of you...”;

Remember, a sacrificial, falsely humble rejection of one’s own opinion can serve to delay the accumulation of disagreements.

Summarizing everything, we can say that it is a rare family that gets along without the need to negotiate: different points of view have to be reconciled on literally any occasion. A change in social or property status, the appearance of children or their entry into new relationships age periods may cause disagreements to escalate. The characters of family members can be as different as you like, but only in a situation of cooperation both parties win, not to mention the one for whom they are working!

When parents don't agree

How to make sure that natural disagreements between parents in matters of education and other issues family problems Didn't they damage the child's personality? How to learn to find together right decisions, corresponding to the age of the growing child? An experienced psychologist will help with this.

Origins of disagreement

There can be many reasons for differences in parenting. But in the most general way we can say this: the origins of disagreements between parents regarding the upbringing of their children lie, first of all, in the differences in their own experiences from childhood! This is a big problem, and although experts persistently talk about it, most parents are not aware of it! The fact is that from childhood a person learns a “pattern”, or, in other words, a way of acting. For example, if parents shout at a child, and with full confidence that the adult has the right to scream and that the child deserves it, he gradually learns the rule that every person has the right to scream!

Parents copy the model of upbringing that was accepted in their family, so people who marry come into the family with different educational attitudes towards relationships between people in general, and they are learned very early under the influence of the family and their childhood life experience. By the age of twenty, some may have developed an attitude toward authoritarianism and family power, while others may have developed an attitude towards democracy and dialogue.

The impact of disagreement on a child

A serious disagreement often arises in a family over the choice of parenting style: strictness or gentleness, authoritarianism or democracy, overprotection or non-intervention, etc. There is no shortage of supporters of this or that type of education.

An obstacle to choosing the optimal parenting style can be differences in the characters of parents. While a pedantic, angry father, who gets stuck on little things, demands unquestioning obedience and instant execution of orders, the mother, who is “softer” in character, on the contrary, indulges all the weaknesses and whims of the child. This situation can either lead to an increase in the child’s level of anxiety due to constant tense anticipation and uncertainty - whether he will be punished or praised for this act, or to the development of cunning and a tendency to manipulate. The child can learn to play on this disagreement. Every time after clashes with his father, he can come to his mother in tears and with complaints and beg her for gifts, sweets or simply tokens of attention as a “consolation prize”. The mother, agreeing that “dad is bad,” undermines the father’s authority. This state of affairs angers the father even more, and the intrafamily conflict worsens. The father, observing the “conspiracy” between the mother and the child, feels unnecessary. As a rule, behind the mask of such a “despot” lies a vulnerable nature with low self-esteem, which requires attention and understanding no less than a child. The roots of their behavior go back to the desire to protect children from their own mistakes and difficult experiences. Parents who suffered humiliation, ridicule and failure in childhood want to see their children as strong, unbending individuals and raise them in “Spartan” conditions. Not taught to love in childhood, without reliable support, they do not know that becoming a strong personality is possible when there is a feeling that you are understood and approved.

Often, disagreements between family members turn into open confrontation, and then the child finds himself in the most unpleasant role - a hostage to parental conflicts: he is forced to choose how to behave in a controversial situation. One of the most important needs of a child is to be loved and “good.” How often do children ask this question: “Am I good?” or proudly assert: “I am a good boy!” This is important to them, and often their behavior is motivated by precisely this need. But what should a child do who wants to be good for both his mother and father, and also his grandparents - they are all loved by him. It is difficult for him not only to choose a line of behavior, but also to choose between any significant adults in general - this is beyond his power! He is forced to be cunning and adapt to everyone: it turns out that already from infancy, parents force the child to learn to manipulate. It is difficult for a child who is brought up in a contradictory environment to develop his own moral guidelines, principles and beliefs.

Against the backdrop of disagreement in the family, the child may begin to develop neurotic manifestations: he can be simply scared when his parents quarrel.

Rather than waging useless bloody wars while defending your parenting style, it is more advisable to turn to a specialist.

What to do?

First of all, it is important to realize: unity of position is a very important thing. In order to come to a common denominator, first of all, you need to understand what stands behind the position of each of you, clarify what each of the parents means. If any decision is made with hostility, ideas are rejected, and achievements are devalued, then this is a story not about education, but about who is in charge in the house, who is good and who is bad. This is a serious reason to visit a family psychologist.

If the parents simply grew up in families with different values, then they should try to clarify together what is behind their wishes for the child.

When parental consent is especially required.

It is worth highlighting four childhood age positions when the consistency of parental views and principles is especially important for the normal development of a child’s personality.

Age 3 years.

First of all, it's age. three years when a child begins to say “I myself,” revealing, without realizing it, his uniqueness. And the more active child, the more intensely he will demonstrate his desire for independence.

You must try to perceive any situation with a child of this age with patience and a sense of humor, regardless of your mood. You should not raise your voice. Moreover, you should not resort to physical punishment. To prevent their child from touching prohibited objects, many parents often spank the child’s hands. If we beat him on the hands, the child, as they say, will settle down, he will turn into a “chest”: first he will sit and wait until they put porridge in his mouth, then until he is assigned to school, college, and, finally, until he they will find the bride!

A very important thing: a child at this age needs a clear position within the family! If a woman is aware of what this age entails, she definitely needs to prepare her father to go through this stage. There are men who find it easier to interact with a small child and harder to interact with a teenager. Others, on the contrary, until the child has his own point of view, do not know what to talk to him about! Most often, fathers do not interact with young children - but a child always needs a father: the child must feel the father’s gaze on himself, no matter whether it is a boy or a girl. The father must be included in the child’s passage through these difficult ages; this is his parental duty. And he needs to be prepared for this!

We all understand perfectly how busy our men today are at work, but boys need male education! It's good to have good grandfather, or a good coach, or a wonderful teacher - but NOBODY can replace a father!

Otherwise, due to lack of communication with the father, the child often makes the mother the object of compensation: he is rude to her, neglects her requests and instructions - shows how a man can behave. And the mother cannot understand the reason for this attitude towards her. Why can't a woman raise a real man from a boy? Yes, because her spirit is feminine. No matter how smart a woman is, she is not able to instill the spirit of a warrior in a boy.

Age 7 years.

The next difficult age for parents is around seven years old. This time of entering school also mainly falls on the woman - and here a lot of disagreements arise regarding the choice of school or type of education. In the end, we need to find time and go to school together, since choosing a school is a very serious matter. We know very well if a child is primary school If he changes more than one school, he won’t want to study any further! Although, as a rule, control over schoolwork will remain with the mother, let the father not say in case of school difficulties: “You spoiled him! Who did you teach me, these are your things!” It is important that the parents agree in advance, then it will not be only the mother’s fault, the result only of her incorrect behavior.

It is important that parents go to parent meetings: both or in turn, but so that the child’s school life is not only the mother’s problem!

Adolescence.

The father’s strong participation is absolutely necessary here! You have to imagine that your child, who has reached this age, opens his eyes to the world differently: he begins to see who his father and mother really are, what the real relationship is between them - dad and mom lose their pedestal , their unshakable authority is falling.

Here I would like to remind you what real authority is, who represents an influential figure for a child - this is a person whom he wants to listen to, whose competence he trusts, this is a person who shows him how to be truly loving.

It would seem that we have high moral ideals - why don’t our children take them from us? Because we don’t know how to convey this - we read notations, “a person must, must...”. And a person owes what he chooses with our help.

This parental notation with obligation, injunction is a real punishment! If one parent really has authority and the other does not, what kind of consistency are we talking about? True power is the power of a person strong in nature, character, nervous system, but this is very rare. The concept of authority differs from true power. There are mothers who are domineering. Look around - such mothers who command without internal grounds have stubborn children. In fact, a child does not need the mother’s authority to develop - an ideal mother with firmness and consistency. She does not promise what she will not do, she keeps her word, she has principles that she does not violate, but she always looks at whether her principles are suitable for the people around her - that is why she is authoritative! When a woman is firm, reasonable, and authoritative in the family, she will never put a man in a situation of humiliation, and will always help the man take first place next to her. And if she is also cordial and warm, and knows how to joke, there is no price for her!

In connection with the difficulties of this stage, parents need to understand one thing: the paradoxes of this age must be understood, perhaps with the help of good, reasonable books, articles, magazines, and specialists.

One of the most global paradoxes is that a teenager wants to understand himself, he wants to become himself - this is sometimes stated absurdly, stupidly, clumsily. At the same time, he cannot help but be included in the children's school community - if this is not the case, this is a drama for the child. He needs to be helped to enter there, helped both as a woman and as a man, to listen to his experiences.

In the family, he also wants to take a certain position, defends his right - but one must understand that under any circumstances he needs a family like air, each parent and both together must help him get through this difficult stage of growing up!

It is necessary to increase the level of requirements for a teenager, and there is no upbringing without coercion. Coercion is a natural process, but it should not turn into emotional or physical violence. In adolescence, a certain type of control should prevail, but in no case a directive. This is helping control; demands should not be accompanied by shouting. Parents must present their demands in a consistent manner so that they are clear and understandable to the child. And if coercion is required in fulfilling demands, it must be reasonable: not rudeness, authoritarianism and whims should be our tools in education, but flexibility, coordination, love and firmness, consistency! I wish for parents who want to grow their authority: both father and mother place themselves in their relationship with the child in such a way that he does not have to repeat his demands many times. Teenagers play with this, often pretending that they don’t hear or understand you.

And of course, parents should constantly monitor what is going on in the child’s soul!

Senior adolescence.

And finally, the age of separation, the separation of the child from the family in late adolescence. You need to prepare for this, and this means that he should have the right to privacy, it is advisable to have his own room or corner, no need to pry into his bags, mail, no need to peek - he may close himself. An open door to a child’s room means that this family is constantly monitoring his life.

Parents should agree among themselves on how they and their child will go through these important stages of growing up, focusing their attention on how both parents can take part in the difficult stages of their son or daughter’s life.

The first and main condition for parental success is consistency. marital relations, union loving people for whom raising a child is a value. Then they will be able to reconcile any and all disagreements!Before taking on parenting, all conflicts and disagreements in the couple must be resolved before the child arrives, because with the birth of the child and his growing up, they only intensify!