Questions to Father Orthodoxy about marriage. Prot. Evgeny Shestun "About married life." Married relationships
Something about the spiritual causes of divorce
Why do families break up? Who is to blame for the fact that the husband and wife suddenly become uneasy? How to save a marriage if it has cracked, and how to prevent cooling in the relationship? We decided to talk about a spiritual view of this problem with a young priest, cleric of the Saratov Church of the Supreme Apostles Peter and Paul, Vladimir Sukhikh.
Father Vladimir and Mother Tatyana have been together for five years. They have a very warm family and three wonderful children. Despite this, the priest initially refused an interview on family topics, citing his lack of sophistication in life experience. But under the pressure of arguments - a short period of family life suggests that the couple had not yet forgotten the difficulties of the first years of marriage - I was forced to agree.
As a result, we ended up having a whole series of conversations. The first is about why people get married and why they get divorced.
– Father Vladimir, 80 percent of marriages in our country break up, and this trend cannot but upset. Why does it happen that people who once seemed to love each other and were close suddenly become complete strangers?
– Unfortunately, most modern people get married without having a proper understanding of its purpose. They often get married, experiencing only physical attraction to each other.
This in itself is not bad. Saint John Chrysostom even said on this occasion that if God had not placed in us this craving for the opposite sex, no one would ever have entered into marriage, knowing its hardships. But the problem is different: people stop, so to speak, only on the physical level.
In Greek, carnal love is designated as eros - sensual, physical love. This is the trigger that makes people interested in each other. Such love-passion can be very strong, but over time it weakens and therefore cannot serve as a reliable foundation for marriage. If nothing but intimacy binds a couple, such a marriage quickly breaks up.
Sometimes people who are more educated, more educated, and more developed choose a life partner based on the principle of spiritual similarity. I’m interested in this person, we understand each other well, we have common views. In Greek, this feeling is designated as philia, that is, love-friendship. Relationships based on such a feeling can be long and quite happy if people have enough worldly wisdom and condescension towards each other’s weaknesses. But this type of love is also imperfect from the Christian point of view.
There is a third type of love - spiritual love, agape. This is a very special feeling that only those who live in Christ can experience.
– How is this love expressed?
– A person feels love not only for his loved ones, relatives, friends, but also for all humanity. This experience is familiar to people who have experienced the Communion of the Body and Blood of Christ. Together with the Body of Christ, Christians accept Christ’s love into their being, and a person feels not only peace, tranquility, harmony, fullness of being, but also love for those people for whom, perhaps five minutes ago, he had no good feelings at all . This is love that is equal to everyone. It is not damaged by insults, grief, or disappointment. This is the love with which Christ loves each of us. In Greek, agape, love-worship, expresses a person's relationship with God, so Christians are people who are in perfect love. Some are a moment, some are a minute, some are an hour, a day or several days. And the goal of life is, through fulfilling the commandments, to become capable of not temporarily, but constantly being in such love. And marriage gives a person the potential opportunity to acquire such love.
Echo of Paradise
– Why marriage?
- Because God intended it that way. Nowadays, representatives of non-traditional minorities often claim that marriage as a social institution is outdated. So, marriage is, in principle, a non-human institution. Marriage is an institution created by God. This is the most ancient sacrament, existing even before Christianity. Adam and Eve carried him out of paradise. All nations had marriage traditions, when a man and a woman, who had not previously known each other, through a ritual became something new, and not in a social, but a mystical sense.
– What new are they becoming?
– The answer to this question is given by the Apostle Paul when he says that the union of a man and a woman is a union similar to the union of Christ and the Church (Ephesians, chapter 5). This is a very important thesis, without understanding which it is impossible to penetrate into the very essence of true family relationships. The Apostle says that in marriage between a man and a woman, that deep unity that exists between the human soul and Christ, between the Church as a union of believers and Christ is possible. But this unity is possible for a person even outside the framework of the Church. That is why the Church respects everyone legal marriage, even unmarried, because any legal marriage is already blessed by God.
- Why then a wedding?
– Because in marriage there are many difficulties, many difficulties. It is normal for a Christian to pray and ask for God’s blessing before doing anything. We pray before we eat; before we get into the car; before starting any important event. Moreover, it is necessary to take God’s blessing before starting such an important matter as starting a family or having children.
– How is this blessing expressed? What gifts does a person receive?
– In the sacrament of wedding, a person receives the potential opportunity to realize in marriage that special spiritual love to which every Christian is called. There is a saying: “Whoever doesn’t have love gets married or gets married. And whoever has love becomes a monk.” Marriage is a school of love. First we learn to love our wife or husband, then we learn to love our children, then our mother-in-law or mother-in-law and other relatives of the other half. In a real marriage, love begins, grows, and gradually spreads to more and more people.
– Someone may say: “This is too global, I don’t need so much love, I should learn to love each other within my small family.”
– St. John Chrysostom has an interesting reasoning regarding the establishment of why one cannot marry relatives. He explains it this way: so as not to limit love. You love your family anyway. And the Lord wants to connect you with another family so that the circle of love expands.
Probably, not everyone will understand the desire for all-encompassing love if we fail to love even our closest ones. But when the Lord explained to his disciples how a Christian differs from other people, he repeatedly emphasized the idea that, with God’s help, something more is possible for a Christian than for an ordinary person, that it is possible and necessary for him to love even his enemies.
Why should a wife be afraid of her husband?
– But if God pleases marriage relationships even without a wedding, why is everything so difficult? Where do quarrels, misunderstandings, disagreements come from?
– Everyone experiences difficulties in marriage: those who are far from the Christian perception of the world, and believers, married spouses. But the former, not understanding the true purpose of marriage, do not know how to withstand these tests. When registering a relationship, they are aimed at receiving rather than giving in marriage, that is, their attitudes are selfish.
For example, a man is tired of cooking and doing his own laundry, and he gets married, expecting his wife to be his housekeeper. A woman can get married to gain financial security.
In any case, such unions are based on the expectation that the other will satisfy my needs, and not that I will try to satisfy his interests and make his life easier. People are driven by the desire to receive something. At the same time, none of them thinks about what I can give to my other half.
Having married a person, and not an angel, we are faced with his selfishness. A selfish person has no intention of serving another. He believes that everyone owes him this. And when both are aimed at obtaining benefits, when both do not want to sacrifice their interests, time, money, spiritual strength, then conflicts inevitably arise. Unfulfilled expectations give rise to disappointments, disappointments lead to complaints, complaints lead to quarrels.
– Is everything different in Christian families?
– Ideally, yes. Each spouse tries to think: “What should I do to make my loved one feel good?” Each is determined to give the other everything they can.
The Apostle Paul compares Christian marriage to the relationship between Christ and the Church. He says: “Let the wife fear her husband, as the Church fears Christ.”
In what sense does the Church fear Christ? It’s not that she’s afraid of punishment for her wrongdoing. The Church and, consequently, every believer fear Christ in the sense that they are afraid to upset Him and offend Him. A Christian's greatest fear is to destroy the good relationship he has with God. This is the sense in which a wife should fear her husband.
The Apostle says: “Let the wife be submissive to her husband in everything. But let the husband love his wife as Christ loved his Church.” How did Christ love the Church? He loved her to the point of crucifixion, to the absolute, maximum possible sacrifice for a person - the sacrifice of his life. This means: a man who gets married must completely devote his life to his family. To serve her in the highest sense of the word.
How else does Christ love the Church? Great patience. He forgives us a lot and is forgiving of our weaknesses. Does not leave us even when we leave Him. He expects us to return to Him through repentance.
Ideally, the relationship between husband and wife is exactly like this. She is submissive to him in everything and is ready to sacrifice everything for him. But he is ready to sacrifice even more.
When we think about the meaning of the apostolic teaching, we see that the hierarchy that God established for the family (the husband is the head, the wife is subordinate) is not at all soulless administrative relations, this is a relationship based on sacrifice. If a marriage is built on Christian values, it is doomed to be happy.
There is a well-known expression: “Lovers look at each other, but lovers look in one direction - at Christ.” In the sense that they imitate Him and are guided in life by Christian principles. And from here everything else follows: the need for humility, endless patience, forgiveness.
Love Formula
– When my wife and I were getting ready to get married, I suggested: let’s make engravings on our rings so that in the future, looking at these inscriptions, we could draw strength from them to overcome difficulties. We went through several passages from the Gospel and the Epistles of the Apostles, which talk about love, about family, and settled on the First Epistle of the Apostle Paul to the Corinthians, in which he defines love: “Love is patient, kind, love does not envy, love does not boast, is proud, does not act outrageously, does not seek his own, is not irritated, does not think evil, does not rejoice in untruth, but rejoices with the truth; covers all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”
The wife wrote on her ring: “Love never fails.” It is endless and does not die even with the end of a person’s life.
On my ring I wrote the first thing the apostle began with: “Love is patient.” Love begins with patience, and love not only endures, but endures for a long time.
How long? How much will it take?
And I think that 90 percent of problems in marriage (I say this from my own experience and the experience of people who come to confession) occur because people do not want to endure or do not set such a goal. We don’t see our own shortcomings, but we are so intolerant of the mistakes of our neighbors.
– It’s hard to disagree with this. I liked the advice of one old man: “Imagine that you have to live with your clone, with a person who is completely similar to you in appearance, character, habits. How will it be for you? I imagined it and was horrified. “And your loved ones,” the elder continued, “have to live with you.” After this, my family seems almost like saints to me.
– Yes, we all lack a critical look at ourselves and patience. And only Christianity teaches this. Christ did not advise increasing your self-esteem; he taught to see the beam in your own eye and not notice the speck in someone else’s. He also taught to forgive offenders. If we are told something unpleasant at work, we, as a rule, can control ourselves and endure it. We may be offended in our hearts, but we won’t show it outwardly.
In the family, we do not consider it necessary to restrain ourselves. Same close person, and I can be with him as I really am. We explode at any criticism. We release the brakes, remove all anchors and pour out on the person all the negativity that overwhelms us. On this occasion, I remember the blessing of Father Paisius the Svyatogorets to one couple who were getting married. He wrote to them: “May Christ and the Most Holy Theotokos be with you. Demetrius, I give you the blessing to quarrel with the whole world, except Mary! And Mary has the same blessing: to quarrel with everyone, but not with you.” This is, of course, a metaphor, but it allows you to understand the essence of a good relationship in marriage. Negativity should be left at home.
In the next conversation, Father Vladimir will talk about how to learn patience and love, and also about whether domostroy is as terrible as modern people think about it.
Newspaper "Saratov Panorama" No. 40 (917)
Husband and wife: questions to an Old Believer priest about family life on the Russian Faith website.
Anna, Bryansk
a week ago
Good afternoon, father! I have a question. My husband and I have been married for 5 years. We don't have children yet. At first we weren’t particularly worried, we thought it would be in time, but the years go by and there are no changes. We went to see a doctor and underwent treatment for some time. As a result, the doctor came to the conclusion that it was impossible to do without surgery. It is scheduled for February. And immediately after it begins Lent! And according to medical indications, the most favorable time for conception in the first months after surgery, that is, just during Lent! Tell me, how does the Church feel about this? Is it possible? Or should I...
Priest Nikola Muravyov
Hello! To be honest, the meaning of the question being asked is not very clear to me. If it is about the priest blessing the “works” of conceiving a child during Lent, then this is beyond the priest’s competence. Question about surgery? So why ask this question to a random priest on the Internet, and not to your spiritual one, who knows your and your spouse’s souls and cares about their salvation (and has taken responsibility for them before God)?
I hope that you not only formally accepted the Sacrament of Marriage five years ago, but that you sincerely consider yourself Orthodox Christians. That is, you don’t just “believe in God,” but you also trust Him as your Father. Here there is the factor of the timeliness of the Gift, the prayer for the gift of a child. Acceptance of God's Will. As in the prayer “Our Father”, “Thy Will be done”!
In the Holy Scriptures, the most striking example of the rewarded patience of Godly obedience is parents Holy Mother of God! Having aged in years of waiting for God's Grace, they received incredibly more than they asked for: the Girl born from them became the Immaculate Mother of the Infant Christ. Abraham and Sarah, from whom came the entire people of Israel, God's Chosen One, at that moment from whom the Son of God, God, the Second Person of the Holy Trinity, deigned to be incarnate. Zechariah and Elizabeth, parents of the holy Prophet and Forerunner of the Lord John. If you read the Scriptures, you will find other evidence of reward from God for trust and purity.
Do not look for external “miracles” and “child-producing” elders, pray the Psalter with prayers of repentance, slowly, but persistently. “The Lord will provide for himself a lamb”! (Gen.22.8)
Pray to the patron saints Christian marriage. Trust God!
Anna, Moscow
2 months ago
Hello! My dad comes from a family of clergy, and I always believed that divorce was a sin. My mother is Jewish. I am now 38 years old, no children. I often hit myself on the head. I can't help myself. Completely confused in myself, in my feelings. I'm on the verge of divorcing my husband. I realized that marrying him was a big mistake, but I always thought that I would live with him until the end of my days. But as soon as I decided to divorce, I lost my peace, I began to be overcome by doubts that I was doing the wrong thing, that I was to blame for my husband, that I was leaving him. I wonder how he will live without...
Priest John Kurbatsky
Hello! There are many questions in your letter. But the main one is: how to understand your life. I will try, as far as possible within the framework of such correspondence communication, to give you the right direction to solve these problems.
- Don't lose faith in God. Know firmly that your life is not an accident and God needs you. He still continues to guide you and each of us, but in our sinful blindness we lose this connection and do not feel it. The Apostle Paul said that " All things work together for good to those who love God"(Rom. 8:28). We need to learn to look at everything that happens to us and around us as help sent by God to achieve salvation in eternity. From this point of view, even various sufferings and sorrowful circumstances are in fact not at all superfluous for a Christian, but rather assist him on this path. We most often measure everything that happens to us by the yardstick of earthly happiness and pleasure. Turn your adversity and experiences into a reason to turn to God and know Him." will, good, pleasing and perfect"(Rom. 12:2). By the way, read this entire 12th chapter from the letter of the Apostle Paul to the Romans, an excerpt from which I quote here. We learn the will of God from Divine revelation, from the Bible.
- Holy Scripture says that divorce is a sin. There are just a few caveats ( adultery) when you have the right, but not the obligation, to get a divorce. Read these passages from the New Testament. " It is also said that if anyone divorces his wife, he should give her a divorce decree ( see Deut.24:1-4). AND I ( Jesus Christ ) I tell you: whoever divorces his wife, except for the guilt of fornication, gives her a reason to commit adultery; and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery"(Matthew 5:31-32). " But it is not I who command those who marry,”-says the Apostle Paul,-“And the Lord: a wife should not divorce her husband,-if she gets divorced, she must remain single, or be reconciled with her husband,-and a husband should not leave his wife"(1 Cor 7:10-18).
Judging by your words, you are afraid to leave your husband, you are worried about how he will live without you. But this is a manifestation of love! Do you know how much every priest has to deal with human grief and, in particular, cases when wives, and more often husbands, leave their spouses after learning about their serious illness? Alas, there are many such cases. And the fact that you show concern for your husband, with whom there is no proper mutual understanding and with whom you still feel lonely and misunderstood, speaks of your noble soul. I don’t flatter you, but I want to show you something good that will restore your faith in yourself and in your need in this world. Have you and your husband talked about your experiences? Was it discussed in the spirit of peace, and not during a “showdown” in a raised voice?
- As for mom, there is God’s commandment: “ Honor your father and your mother"(Isa. 20:12). But at the same time the Lord said: “ Therefore a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh; so they are no longer two, but one flesh"(Genesis 2:24; Mark 10:7-8). So, mom is wrong to blame you for abandoning her. So the question can be posed only in the case when she needs constant care and cannot do without you. In the meantime, she needs to come to terms with the fact that you have your own life and your own family, you are an independent person, and not her property. God, our Creator, loves us, but at the same time gives us free will. And we, created in His image and likeness(Genesis 1:27), we must be like Him in our love for our neighbors and in this, respecting the mystery of other people's freedom.
- Human judgment is very often wrong. And therefore the Lord forbids judging others. The Apostle Paul says that no man “ knows what is in a person except the human spirit living in him"(1 Cor. 2:11). This means that if “no one sees anything good in you,” then it does not at all follow that there is none. But, of course, every person needs support and approval. And they can only be obtained through communication with other people, those who are dear to you and to whom you are dear. Think about who it could be and how long ago you communicated and saw each other.
- Here is a little of what I would like to write to you. But you need live communication. I sincerely wish you to find a priest with whom you could personally communicate, who will tell you what and how to do, what to read, where to go. Pray to God to show you the way, comfort you and enlighten you. And God admonishes us most often through people.
Timofey, Volgograd
3 month ago
My wife had a caesarean section at the birth of her first child. The doctors warned that it was better to wait with the second one so that the stitch would heal. After 2 years we made up our minds and our daughter was born. There were problems in recent months, as the seam could come apart. At the 8th month, during a routine ultrasound, the doctors were afraid to let me go home, as they discovered a 2 mm scar: it could burst at any moment. It was decided to do C-section. Thank God, the baby turned out to be full term. My wife is afraid of a third pregnancy, we are using abortion protection (although he promises to think about it in a year). The priest says that this is a sin and that he will refuse communion. I'm afraid of losing my wife. What should we do? Maybe,...
Priest John Kurbatsky
Sex life is part married life. If there is no possibility of complete abstinence, and there is a risk of losing your wife and falling into serious sins (adultery due to lack of intimacy with your legal spouse), and on the other hand, premature pregnancy may threaten the death of the conceived child and mother, then what you have chosen "evil" is the least. Save the family and do not make children orphans while their parents are alive.
It's strange that the priest doesn't understand this. If he is ready to take on such responsibility as to deprive you of communion, then he must remember the words from the Gospel:
For with whatever judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you (Matthew 7:2)
Well, you accept it as it is, with humility. But not all priests adhere to such strictness.
Vadim, Moscow
3 month ago
Hello. Please understand me correctly. My wife and I are baptized. My wife has a rare form of sexual activity. This is not a joke or fiction. This form is called nymphomania. Briefly, this is a woman’s need on a physical level. huge amount orgasms. If you now start to think that she came up with this, etc., or that I’m not paying enough attention to her, then you don’t have to continue. We have sex 1-2 times a day. I am 40 years old, she is 35, and we are not children. We have two daughters. If you are really determined to help, then answer one question unambiguously. Can I allow my wife to occasionally date...
Priest John Kurbatsky
Hello! Before answering you, I re-read your letter more than once and did not respond immediately. I was struck not so much by your wife’s illness as by your willingness to allow her to commit fornication. What kind of state did you have to get to in order to even allow something like this to happen in your thoughts!? Other men are ready to kill both the wife and the adulterer, but here it’s voluntary... And how do you imagine this: posting an ad on Avito? And if she gets pregnant afterwards (anything can happen), then who is the father?
By the way, remember when your wife was pregnant, was she also active? Maybe you should give birth to another one? They say that a woman’s body is reset.
But stop! If it is a disease, it must be treated. In addition to medicines, there is spiritual healing, and the disease is spiritual. You started the question by saying that you are baptized. But how many of you pray, fast, read the Holy Scriptures, go to church regularly, and repent of your sins? You are asking for help from the Church, but for now you are outside the Church. Go into it, turn to God in your trouble. “What is impossible with men is possible with God” (Luke 18:27).
Elizaveta, Omsk
4 months ago
I grew up in an unbelieving family, so I don’t know the Holy Scriptures and Charters. God ordains that Eve, that is, the wife, should be submissive and obedient to Adam, that is, the husband. If I get baptized, then get married in church to a man, and after a certain time my husband begins to mock me in every possible way? And if I tell him that I am unhappy with this, will he say that “the husband is the head of the wife”? What to do in such a situation? My father constantly beat me, my mother and sister. And he didn’t touch his brother. Once I asked why he was doing this to us, and he replied: “You women don’t understand any other way!” And he...
Priest John Kurbatsky
It’s sad to read about your experience, and even sadder because such treatment of men with their wives and attitude towards women in general is not uncommon. There are many examples of this in historical sources and fiction. For example, it is impossible to read the following lines in Maxim Gorky’s story “The Hermit” without shuddering:
“-A good man? - I asked. - He’s good, you just need to keep an eye on him, he’s violent! He beat his wife so much that she couldn’t even give birth, she kept throwing up the baby, and then she went crazy. I tell him: “Why are you beating her?” - “I don’t know, he says, it’s just so-so, I want it and that’s all...”
People beat their wives and at the same time considered themselves completely devout. Although nowhere in the Bible will we find any indication that the headship of a husband allows him to be a despot in relation to his wife. The aphorism that corresponds to a much more evangelical spirit is: “If you hit a woman, you kill the man inside you.”
Let's look at what instructions we find in Scripture. From the first conciliar letter of the Apostle Peter (1 Pet 3:1-7).
Likewise, you, wives, obey your husbands, so that those of them who do not obey the word will be won without a word by the lives of their wives when they see your pure, God-fearing lives. Let your adornment be not the external braiding of your hair, not gold jewelry or finery in clothing, but the innermost person of the heart in the imperishable beauty of a meek and silent spirit, which is precious in the sight of God. Thus, once upon a time, holy women who trusted in God adorned themselves, obeying their husbands. So Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him master. You are her children if you do good and are not embarrassed by any fear. Likewise, you, husbands, treat your wives prudently, as with the weakest vessel, showing them honor, as joint heirs of the grace of life, so that there is no hindrance in your prayers.
From the letter of the Apostle Paul to the Ephesians (Eph. 5:21-33). The passage is read at the wedding.
Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord, because the husband is the head of the wife, just as Christ is the head of the Church, and He is the Savior of the body. But just as the Church submits to Christ, so do wives to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself for her, in order to sanctify her, cleansing her with the washing of water through the word; to present it to Himself as a glorious Church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing, but that it might be holy and without blemish. Thus should husbands love their wives as their own bodies: he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one has ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and warms it, just as the Lord does the Church, because we are members of His body, from His flesh and from His bones. Therefore a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This mystery is great; I speak in relation to Christ and the Church. So let each of you love his wife as himself; and let the wife be afraid of her husband.
From the letter of the Apostle Paul to the Colossians (Col. 3:18-19).
Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.
You can give other quotes, but I think these are quite enough to have an idea of the high Christian teaching about the relationship between husband and wife in marriage.
Alas, it is rare to find men who are capable of loving the way Christ loved the Church (that is, dying on the cross for the life of the world), and who are ready to lay down their lives for the sake of their wife’s happiness. But they exist. And there are even more of those who strive for this ideal. And therefore I sincerely wish you to believe in Christ, be baptized and find a husband who will love you. Ask God for this!
Svetlana, Biysk
4 months ago
Hello! Please help me, tell me what to do. My husband and I have been living together for 13 years, we have three children. Now it turns out that he had a relationship before me, and there is a child who is already 13 years old. The husband himself is not sure that this is his child. He told the girl not to give birth and that he did not need this child. Now the child has started writing to his husband on social networks and asks for communication, the husband wants to start communicating with him. I don’t know how to behave in this situation: I’m not ready to share my husband with another child from someone else’s woman, on the other hand, the child is in no way...
Priest Nikola Muravyov
Hello! Probably, we should immediately make a reservation that this problem is in any case an intra-family one. Only you, as a family, will be able to make common decisions about future interactions. I must note that, perhaps, under your influence, your spouse has grown a lot in thirteen years. If earlier there was irresponsible jumping around in the sense of “I have nothing to do with it, figure it out yourself,” now, perhaps, there is hope for the desire to work with the consequences of one’s actions.
Whether the boy has any intentions of returning his “father” to his family, at your expense, by destroying what has happened, which perhaps you fear, is impossible to say. Quite often we don’t know what we want now, at the moment.
I happened to know several people who grew up in families that did not know their father. Each of them then sought a meeting with their parent. Without a threat to established families and existing situations. Some succeeded, some did not. Communication enriched those who made contact, because the discarded and for the time being hidden part of life still remains part of life, part of oneself. Honest recognition of oneself as whole, albeit imperfect, provides the opportunity for development. Sometimes the father himself refused to communicate with the child, sometimes his family, it happens in different ways. It can be painful for everyone.
In the lectures of Protodeacon A. Kuraev, an English proverb was once heard: “If you love me, love my dog.” In this case it sounds very harsh, but if you love your husband, try to accept him for who he is. He is not a saint, he has made mistakes in his life, and not everything was “clean.” Is he loved by you? Try to accept it in its “completeness”. Communication and your common Christian wisdom can bring enormous spiritual benefits - everything is in your hands and souls.
Try to pray, the Lord will direct everything towards salvation!
God help you!
Pavel, Moldova
6 months ago
Father, I have a problem. My wife insists that I shorten my beard and mustache, because she gets sick from kisses and is disgusted when food gets on her beard. Because of this, we have no intimacy, she doesn’t want to kiss, she’s disgusted, she’s gotten to the point where she wants to break up, even though we got married, or commit suicide because she’s tired. Lately I insist that I will wear a beard, but because of this she is nervous and has lost a lot of weight, constantly cries and constantly quarrels. I understand that I am hurting her, but I don’t know what to do. It hurts me to look at her, she was exhausting. So I'm thinking: is my...
Priest John Kurbatsky
How many thousands of women, now and before, have not experienced any troubles living with bearded husbands! It's not about the beard here. Trimmed, it will prick even more sharply. Did you have a beard before your wedding? Why has this issue become so acute now? With a creaking heart, one could make concessions for the sake of peace in the family, since there was already a threat of divorce or, God forbid, suicide.
It is in the family that we learn to love truly, not in words, but in deeds. Love your spouse, talk to her, hear her. Perhaps you will recognize some other claims against you that you do not notice. Pray together, go to church, it’s good to go on a pilgrimage to holy places and ancient cities. And if it’s simply painful for you to be together, then you can’t help with correspondence advice.
Wish you happiness!
Kristina, Moscow
7 months ago
Hello. Married to my husband for 14 years, three children. The other day I learned from my sister that my husband wrote the following messages to my mother: “My son-in-law was in love with his mother-in-law and wanted her as a woman for many years... Yes, he’s not good at all. If we’re going to burn bridges... And I also want to be more useful and solve your pressing issues... Your eyes have always given you away, they are on my side.” Before that, I noticed that something was happening between them, but I couldn’t believe it. What do i do? How to live with this knowledge? I am mentally crushed, I was betrayed by two relatives at once. I really need some advice.
Priest John Sevastyanov
The situation is wild! If everything is as you write, if there is no doubt about it, then this is horror and a nightmare! I can imagine how hard it is for you. Your heart is breaking and has no peace. And this will continue for a very long time. May God grant you patience.
What should you do? What can you do? You have three children. Even the elder is unlikely to understand what happened. You can leave such a husband, but you will not run away from your slutty mother. And most importantly, you will hurt your three children very much. They love both you and your husband, for them this tragedy has no meaning. And for their sake it is worth trying to maintain the appearance of a family. Get this bastard away from you. Don't let him get close to you. But for the sake of the children, don’t get a divorce! Some time will pass and you will feel better. Six months, a year. Then the pain will calm down. But children will be able to see both mom and dad. And this opportunity is worth a lot. And don’t think that by doing so you will show weakness. This will be your strength. Tolerate a scumbag, live next to a traitor - this is strength, this is Christian humility and Christian faith.
Svetlana, Ulyanovsk
8 months ago
My husband and I were married for 8 years. A son was born. When the child was one year old, my husband left us. Six months later, on his initiative, we were divorced. He got along with a woman, lived with her for a while, then returned again - because of his son, so he said. He returned, but, as it turned out, he had strong feelings for another woman, and he felt bad without her. So he tried to forget her for two months, but could not, and again left for her and her child from someone else. Soon they signed. And about six months after their wedding, my ex-husband again began making intimate attempts in my direction...
Priest John Kurbatsky
Oh, our patient women! I read your letter, and Nikolai Nekrasov’s poem “Wedding” comes to mind:
“At dusk I enter the church. Not crowded
The lamps shine sadly and meagerly,
The corners of the spacious temple are dark;
Long windows, then complete darkness,
Then illuminated by a quick flicker,
They waver quietly with a timid jingle.
It's so dark in the dome,
Just looking there will make you shiver!
From stone slabs and dimly lit walls
It blows with dampness: on huge hinges
It’s like a heavy door is crying...
There are no pilgrims, no service now -
Wedding. Simple people get married.
Here are the young people standing by the lectern:
The craftsman guy looks with fervor,
The face is red and the back of the head is shaved -
Apparently: a riotous type of kid!
Next to the bride: such a sadness
In a pale face that is hard to look at...
Poor woman! What brought you together?
There is no sin on you, but how can you look your cheating husband in the eyes? How can you bear his betrayal towards you and towards the child, his own son!? And why endure? Here's the key question. There are examples when a wife, faithful to her husband, bears such a cross for the sake of saving the soul of her unlucky husband. An interesting case is given by a well-known ascetic of the 20th century in the New Believers. Elder Paisiy Svyatogorets.
« The young man, who lived a worldly life, began to develop feelings for a girl who lived a spiritual life. In order for the girl to reciprocate his feelings, he also tried to lead a spiritual life and go to church. They merried. But years passed, and he returned to his former worldly life. They already had adult children: the eldest was studying at the university, one daughter was at the lyceum, the other was at the gymnasium. But, despite everything, this man continued to live dissolutely. He earned a lot of money, but spent almost all of it on his depraved life. The frugality of the unhappy wife kept them household from collapse, with her advice she helped the children stay on the right path. She did not condemn her father, so that the children would not begin to dislike him and would not receive mental trauma, and also so that they would not be carried away by the lifestyle that he led. When her husband came home late at night, it was relatively easy for her to justify him to the children: she said that he had a lot of work.
But what could she say when he showed up at the house with his mistress in broad daylight? Do you know what this man who did not fear God did? Although he was not worth calling him a human, because he had no humanity at all. He called his wife and ordered various dishes, and in the afternoon he came to dine with one of his mistresses. The unfortunate mother, wanting to protect her children from bad thoughts, received them cordially. She presented the matter in such a way that her husband’s mistress was supposedly her friend and the husband stopped by the “friend’s” house to bring her to visit them by car. She sent the children to other rooms to learn their lessons so that they would not see some indecent scene, because her husband, not paying attention to the children, allowed himself to be obscene even in front of them. This was repeated day after day. Every now and then he came with new lover. It got to the point that the children began to ask her: “Mom, how many friends do you have?” - “Oh, these are just old acquaintances!” - she answered. And besides, her husband treated her like a servant, and even worse. He treated her very cruelly and inhumanely.
Just think about how this woman served two cattle every day, who covered her house with dishonor, and constantly instilled good thoughts in her children! And she couldn’t expect that this trouble would ever end so that she could say to herself: “I’ll endure a little longer,” and be consoled by this. This nightmare continued for several years. However, since this accursed man gave the devil many rights over himself, he began to accept terrible demonic influences. He started acting crazy, losing control of himself, blaming everyone and everything. And then one day, being intoxicated by the intoxication of carnal passion, he raced in a car and fell into the abyss. The car crashed into pieces, and he himself received very serious injuries. He was taken to the hospital, and the doctors, having done what they could, sent him home. He became a cripple. None of his mistresses even visited him, because he no longer had much money, and his face was mutilated. However, the good wife and kind mother she carefully looked after him, without reminding him of anything from his prodigal life. He was shocked and it changed him spiritually. He sincerely repented, asked to invite a priest to him, confessed, lived for several years as a Christian, having inner peace, and rested in the Lord.
After his death, his eldest son took his place in the business and supported the family. This man's children lived very harmoniously because they had inherited good principles from their mother. This mother is a heroine mother. In order to save the family from disintegration, and her children from bitter sadness, she drank their bitter cups herself. She kept the family from falling apart, saved her husband and earned heavenly rewards herself. God bless this woman the best place in Paradise».
And in my practice there was a case when a man, after living for years with his wife, suddenly “fell in love” with a young woman and left his family. No amount of persuasion on my part or on the part of my relatives helped. But the wife did not retreat from the Church, believed and waited, prayed to God, until this demonic darkness fell from her husband and he returned. Not immediately, of course, three years passed, or maybe more. But not everyone is capable of such a feat. Go to confession, consult with your spiritual father, with your parents, if they are alive. Maybe it would be better to get a spiritual divorce and find another person who will love you, value your family, and replace the child’s father?
Galina, Moscow
9 months ago
Hello. At the moment I am in a difficult situation and I ask you to help me with advice. I myself don’t know what to do right, in good conscience. My husband and I lived for 7 years without getting married, although I really wanted to and often asked for it. But my husband considered me not Orthodox enough for this - I really rarely go to church. And another reason is that we often quarrel. Quarrels are often about money. Previously, we jointly created a common business, when it began to make a profit, my husband wanted to be the sole owner. I agreed, albeit with difficulty. Then he bought a 4-room apartment and registered it in the name of his children from his first marriage. I...
Priest Nikola Muravyov
Hello! Everything in your letter is very ambiguous. To be honest, I don’t remember cases when it was possible to resolve a difficult family situation, and, probably, any controversial situation, by listening to the position and arguments of only one of the parties.
According to your letter, from the outside your spouse looks more like an arachnid, money-loving monster who, wanting to use you to the fullest, also deprived you of hope for confidence in the future and self-sufficiency. You can, of course, pay attention to the fact that a person who considers himself a Christian lives for seven years in a marriage that does not have a church blessing, but again in this case the question arises: which of you is the greater “non-Christian”. Although his desire to take care of children still gives hope (you don’t mention your common children).
I, of course, cannot know your relationships and even understand how your relationships and business cooperation were built to create today’s situation, i.e. crisis. How do you see your “tomorrow” and how does your spouse see his? How do you care for your children from your first marriage? What is the “center” for your family? This probably cannot be understood without your mutual participation. This cannot be solved “from the outside.” Therefore, I hope that you will find a person in your family environment who will be sufficiently independent of personal attachments and authoritative for both of you. Whether it will be a priest, a psychologist, or just a person you respect - it probably doesn’t matter. The importance is that he, having understood the position of you and your spouse, can gently offer a mutually interesting and mutually respected solution. So that everyone is financially satisfied with the decision, and at the same time, recognizing themselves as part of the family, is calm about their status both today and in the future.
From the priest’s point of view, I can only remind you that spiritual labors and prayer to the Savior and the Mother of God for the preservation of the family, prayer requests to the patron saints of Christian marriage, martyr, are necessary. Chrysanthus and Daria, Andrian and Natalia, noble princes Peter and Fevronia.
May God grant you spiritual intelligence, patience and successful resolution of family difficulties!
Svetlana, Moscow
10 months ago
Hello. Please tell me how to do the right thing. My husband left the family, we lived together with my children from my first marriage. He left, as he says, to live alone, to sort himself out due to a personal crisis - loss of ability to work after an injury, financial difficulties, personal grievances. He didn’t want to be a burden and ask me for money for his needs - he’s proud. We have a 9-year difference - I am 42, he is 33. He left for an indefinite period of time and said that he did not want to live in a family, that he was a loner and most likely would not return, that it was better for him to live alone, he did not need to take responsibility for anyone. He now lives with...
Priest Nikola Muravyov
Hello! I don't think anyone other than you can determine the correctness further actions. When concluding a church marriage, the faith of those coming and the seriousness of the young people’s approach to the sacrament being performed are usually clarified. At a wedding, people promise God that they will love and take care of each other, supporting each other in the joys and sorrows of this life, enduring human imperfection and caring about the salvation of the spouse’s soul. In fact, unfortunately, the great sacrament degenerates into a formality, analogous to a visit to the registry office. Instead of love - mutual use. Instead of wanting to cover and help, i.e. sacrifice, - reproaches on both sides for insufficient contribution to the family. And above all this is an overwhelming self-pity. It happens. I hope this is not your case.
Your family age difference is very significant, so you, with your life and preliminary family experience, would most likely have to judge the spiritual qualities of both your own and the candidate for spouse. I'm talking about pride, for example. There may have been passion, but by accepting God’s blessing to marry your husband, you found yourself connected to him not only by carnal ties, and this is very serious. " And the two will become one flesh"(Matt.19.5; Eph.5.31). " What God has joined together, let no man separate"(Mr.10.9). If a vow before God is not empty words for you, then you need to fight to save your marriage. This is too serious. Another option is to let your husband go free and prepare for a new “marriage”, and again you can promise an eternity of fidelity and love. Work hard in prayer, I hope that God’s mercy will preserve your unit of Christian society.
God help you!
Svetlana, Krasnoyarsk
10 months ago
Hello, father. Three years ago I got divorced. I lived with this man since I was 21, I can’t say why. He strived for " beautiful life", "grouped", cheated on me, did not work, and then became a drug addict, a drunkard. I had an abortion from him, I was afraid that I couldn’t handle two of them, there was nowhere to wait for help, and I was stupid. I kept hoping that he would change, I felt sorry for him, or maybe I loved him - I don’t know. They came together, separated, and so on for 14 years. He ended up in a rehabilitation center at the Protestant church, was freed from all bad habits, came back, proposed marriage - I’m 35, single, agreed. At first, I was offended by his behavior, his persuasion to go to services with him,...
Priest Nikola Muravyov
Hello! I think that life in principle, and even more so the structure of the human soul, is very complex. In addition to the Creator’s plans for us, an incredible amount of passions and personal preferences are mixed in everywhere. This is something that cannot be resolved remotely without knowing your structure and chosen priorities. Unfortunately, I don’t even understand your religion. What type of advice you are asking for is also unclear. To talk about your men, their merits and demerits, without knowing either them or you, in my opinion, is presumptuous; I am not a “spiritualist.”
I really hope for God’s mercy towards you, that through your faith and prayer the Lord will arrange everything for the well-being and salvation of your soul. No matter what difficulties and problems we create for ourselves and others, the Lord, who sacrificed Himself as a Sacrifice of Love for us, accepts us as we are and does not condemn us before the Last Judgment, will bless our good endeavors.
The life of an Orthodox Christian, especially in those times when the difficulties of both spiritual and carnal life are overwhelming, is very difficult without a spiritual mentor who knows your soul not from three paragraphs on the Internet, but who suffers from your illnesses, who knows what can be useful specifically for you, and which will cause allergies. Try to find yourself a “helper of spiritual salvation” in the Orthodox priesthood around you. Try to bring sincere repentance to God. Pray, strive to receive the Holy Mysteries, the Most Pure Body and Blood of the Lord.
It's easy to give advice. Agree that abstract recommendations to “quit this” or “get a divorce” or quickly enter into some kind of marriage are just words that are not related to your “internal” situation.
You are asking for advice - this is probably correct. And it may be vital for you to understand your worldview, who you are, what you believe in and how you live. Return to God in your soul, He did not turn away from you. Try to pay attention to the lectures of A.I. Osipov about the search and criteria for choosing a spiritual father.
But definitely you will have to understand yourself, your goals, tasks and opportunities. I hope that your guidelines will coincide with those that the Lord deems useful for you.
Give us, Lord, spiritual understanding!
Hello! My husband left me for another girl. We only lived for 4 months after the wedding; he cheated with that girl even before the wedding. She survived a strong blow, forgave her, and thought that if she marries, she will take responsibility for the family, for what will be different. Before that, they lived in fornication for 2 years, were “formally believers”, and forgot God. I understand that everything happened because of our sins. I was left in soul-crushing loneliness and despondency. I understand that without this grief I would never have reached the temple. Now I’m slowly praying and starting my spiritual life. But it's very difficult. We're not divorced yet. He lives with someone else and he has...
Priest Nikola Muravyov
Hello! I may be wrong, but it seems to me that it is worth sharing the revival of your spiritual life and bad marriage. Knowing that the future spouse is combining attention to you with the “other girl”, i.e. The fact that the Law of God is not “guiding and directing” in the construction of a person’s life is worth stopping and thinking about before entering into marriage. Without hoping for a miraculous change in a person who is outside the framework of the Church...
The fact that you and he lived “next to the Church” for two years, forgetting God, shows that perhaps a miracle is happening specifically to your soul. Make the effort to learn prayer, perhaps even start praying the Psalter with prayers of repentance. The Lord, through your prayer, will strengthen your soul and tell you how to build your bright and godly “tomorrow.”
« Pray for those who offend you"(Matthew 5.44), but at the same time build your own future based on Christ’s Commandments, and not simply according to carnal desires and movements. Trust God, and “He will nourish you”! Don’t try to “peep” your future now - live day by day, with faith and patience!
On the other hand, there are people who like to be hurt, betrayed, and considered unworthy of respect. You can live in yesterday, waiting for your husband to go on a spree...
Pray for spiritual intelligence, the choice is always yours - choose! No one can do this for you. God help you!
Olga, Moscow
a year ago
There is a difficult situation in my life. The divorce date has already been set, I live separately from my husband (with my parents) with three children. There were, of course, problems in the marriage (the husband is rude and oppressive, often unfair), but the last straw was... the cat, which I myself took pity on and picked up in the winter (perhaps she had been mistreated before us). White, unusual, with blue eyes. At first the cat was causing mischief everywhere, then began to attack the children with hissing, teeth and claws. I encountered this for the first time in my life. I understand that he may not believe me. He doesn't want to hear anything about giving it away. When I caught a cat that was aiming for my face...
Priest Nikola Muravyov
Hello! When reading your question, a spontaneous and naturally noble desire arises to call on your spouse to a righteous and uncompromising answer. Then questions arise. How did you live with him? Two children is most likely a long time? Why do relatives demand a divorce from their spouse for permission to live with them, in their apartment?
A cat is a scary beast! Such a characteristic creature also appeared in our family, for a couple of weeks. Then it went out of bounds. It happens. The issue of intra-family relations cannot be resolved “from the outside.” You are writing to a random Internet advisor, and in this case only loving father spiritual who confessed you and your spouse. He, knowing the troubles of your souls, can tell you where and how you can mitigate the accumulated problems. How not to leave children without a parent and spouses alone. It is unlikely that “waving a cat” will be able to extinguish disagreements or, conversely, rekindle a “family hearth.” The problems, in my opinion, are deeper and perhaps somehow different.
If your appeal to the priest is not accidental, like maybe someone else will support my rightness, but is caused by your hope in God’s help, your faith in Christ, then take the trouble to contact the “living” arbitrator, your confessor. The Internet adviser will give you a bag of advice, support and approve, but he himself will answer before God that, not knowing the whole situation in full, out of conceit and pride he decided to destroy what the Lord had united or tried to unite something for which there was no God’s blessing . Our life difficulties can be solved with God’s help, through prayer, but there was not a word about this in your letter, which is sad.
Even based on my limited life experience, it does not happen that one side shines with immaculate whiteness, and the other is pitch black; we are all gray to varying degrees. So everything with you is probably both more complicated and simpler at the same time.
Give us, Lord, reason and prayer for our neighbors!
Andrey, Moscow
a year ago
I know one priest. It seemed to me that we were friends, and he was friends with me and my family, children and wife. But we do not live together with my wife. And some time ago I began to understand that the priest was telling me one thing and another to my wife. And then people from the outside tell me that the priest and my wife have a difficult relationship. And then my friends wanted to lend a lot of money to the priest. In general, it so happened that I wiretapped my phone, and it turned out that the priest was my wife’s lover, and everything had been going on for several years. I talked to my father and wife...
Priest John Sevastyanov
If you have irrefutable, I repeat, irrefutable evidence of your “father’s” fornication, then you definitely need to tell him about it, call him to repentance. If he does not obey, say this in front of several witnesses from your community; if in this case he does not listen, does not repent and does not leave his priestly ministry, then make these facts public throughout the community, report this to the ruling bishop. If this does not help, then leave this community.
Go to another parish, to another spiritual father.
As for your wife, it’s more complicated. Ideally, you should forgive her. Forgive and wait for her the prodigal return home. To wait, as the prophet Hosea waited, as the father of the prodigal son waited. This is the highest Christian love. In the forgiveness of betrayal, in the forgiveness of adultery (pre-adultery - transgression through love). But I am aware that forgiving betrayal is an extremely difficult task for both men and women. Therefore, in Orthodoxy, unfortunately, divorce is allowed due to the infidelity of one of the spouses.
I don’t know what to do with your wife. I don’t know the level of the evidence with which you operate, I don’t know your relationships. So just try not to force things. Don't do anything yourself. Rely on the will of God. Learn to live with this awareness. And for such trust, God will send you the best way out of this situation.
Peter, Vladivostok
a year ago
When I met my wife, I was very lonely and had nothing but debts left over from my sister. But thanks to my wife I learned English language and I work as a mechanic at sea for a foreign company. My wife and I took out a mortgage, bought an apartment, paid off our debts. I am now 39 years old, my wife is 32, and she doesn’t want children. How should I drop everything and leave? I worry about her, which means I love her. A lot of things are starting to irritate me, but I keep myself under control. I told her that God and the universe gave me everything. Why should I give up my child? I'm from large family...
Priest Nikola Muravyov
Hello! I apologize for the assumption, but it seems to me that you are trying to shift responsibility for your personal choice to a random priest from the Internet.
The desire to have a child is completely correct, pious and legal in its essence. I think that this issue is discussed by all married couples at the “formation” stage, i.e. even before starting a family. Adoption issues are usually resolved separately.
Agree that in the current state of affairs, your desire to “have a child,” given your wife’s reluctance to have children, implies the creation new family(?) and will be similar to “using” a person. As long as she helped you work off your debt and helped you create a prosperous life, everything turned out well. Now its “function” is fulfilled, you are firmly on your feet. Wouldn't your departure feel like a betrayal?
I think that only your spiritual father, who knows your family and its problems in full, and not from a short message on the Internet, can really help with advice. Take the trouble to apply!
God help you and your family well-being!
Olga, Donetsk
a year ago
Hello. Several years ago I separated from my husband. It was mostly my fault... We've been living apart for a long time. I'm alone. He now lives with a young woman. Recently he sent me a letter in which he expressed his indecent sexual desires. Once upon a time we thought of getting back together, but this issue became the rock of contention. I was told that it is a great sin and a curse for children to consent to oral and anal sex. And this was his main requirement. And now he writes. Maybe he wants to make peace, but there’s just this question again, which is probably the main thing for him. And without it, nothing makes sense. What do i do? Agree...
Priest John Kurbatsky
Hello! I read your question and thought that the point here is not even a question of where the lesser evil is, but that your ex-husband doesn't love you. He doesn't care about your state of mind or experiences. Are you really so hungry for loneliness that you are ready to become a free concubine? If he loved, he would not force you to do what is unnatural and unacceptable for you.
The holy Apostle Paul wrote about the shameful sins of the pagans:
Women replaced their natural use with an unnatural one; likewise men also, abandoning the natural use of the female sex, were inflamed with lust... (Rom. 1:26-27).
Even if you agreed, your conscience would not stop tormenting you. Is this life? Therefore there is nothing to think about here. Pray to God that He will reveal His will to you and give you a loved one.
Oh true love(true, women to men) read, for example, a chapter from Jack London’s book “Smoke Bellew” “The Secret of the Female Soul”.
Pavel, Pskov
a year ago
Hello, father! I’ll say right away that I’m not baptized and I don’t know how to pray. But circumstances have developed so that I have to pray, and I do it as best I can. The wife fell in love with someone else: she spends the day with him and only comes home to spend the night. Accordingly, there is a breakdown in our relationship, I am suffering because I love her madly, but she practically does not pay attention to me, treats me with pronounced irritation, although I feel that she still has feelings for me. She doesn’t drive her out of the house and doesn’t leave on her own. He runs the house as usual. Last night I came to her in a dream devilry, in what form - not...
Priest Nikola Muravyov
Hello! Perhaps evil spirits live, but most likely not in you, but in your relationships. If you are not enlightened by Holy Baptism, and most importantly, by Faith in the Grace of God. You have no desire to live according to His Laws. On the one hand, you yourself live in a marriage not sanctified by the Sacrament of Wedding. On the other hand, although with resentment, you allow your wife to “walk”, thereby completely ruining both her and yourself. Why be surprised - you yourself as a whole “family” open up access to a hostile, evil force.
In my opinion, if you are not satisfied with this “neighborhood”, then you need to change your approach to life. Rebuild the relationship, having received the Lord's blessing for the marriage, or, if the relationship has become obsolete on the part of the spouse, begin to save yourself. Realize for yourself the humiliation of your current state, defenselessness against other-existent, evil forces.
Try to learn more about Orthodoxy, about the Faith of Christ. Find yourself a spiritual mentor, a priest who will patiently and lovingly help you follow the path of life. Not blindly, but being enlightened by the light of the Gospel.
Your family has been given a sign, a warning. You, of course, can remain at the same level of swamp and personal confusion in relationships as you are now. But you can unravel and get out to the Light. Your will.
Give, Lord, spiritual wisdom to all of us!
Olga, Minsk
a year ago
I am writing in a state of great sadness, with the hope of help. My husband and I divorced 4 years ago (wedding marriage) because of my adultery and on my initiative, I confessed my sin and strongly repented. Now I'm trying to start a sensible life. The ex-husband has a pregnant girlfriend, with whom they were going to get married, but never got married, and they live separately. Recently he showed up and said that he couldn’t forget and still loved me, and he told that girl that he loved me. My feelings for him did not go away, and I invited him to repent of his sins and try to show that he had changed (there were several times in the marriage that he...
Priest Nikola Muravyov
Hello! After reading your question, only one question arose: what does Christ and His Church have to do with it? There is, of course, the novel “Doctor Zhivago” and something similar, but...
You describe a bunch of betrayals, passions, pregnancies and “repentances”. After your betrayal and your initiation of divorce, do you advise him, your “married” spouse, to repent?
Maybe if you consider yourself a Christian, you should try to read the Gospel and understand what the Good News is? Try to realize that Christianity exists, maybe, if the desire arises, even take on the “yoke of Christ” (Matthew 11.29-30).
It is impossible to answer purely personal and difficult life questions remotely! You, like every Christian, need to have your own spiritual father. Find a living, not virtual, kind and wise confessor! Give us, Lord, spiritual understanding!
Artemy, St. Petersburg
a year ago
I moved to Russia from Donetsk and lost contact with my spiritual father. So I am writing to you. Help us, me and my wife, with advice. We got married a few months ago. The wife is unbaptized and is afraid to be baptized herself. When I moved to live with her, we began to have quarrels and conflicts. We don't hear each other. It happened that I would say an impudent word to her, and she might even call me obscenities in response, which really hurt me. We live with her mother, a believer. And she also has constant quarrels and swearing with her. It happened that my wife and I got into fights. But I didn't hit her. I'm holding back...
Priest Nikola Muravyov
Hello! It seems to me that you are trying to pretend to be an unreasonable child. You are playing at infantilism. An adult, even a man who served in the army, who is trying to shift the solution to a marriage problem onto someone else?! Wonderful miracle? Mysterious riddle? Buck up, this is your life!!!
Either you are growing up, i.e. you begin to feel responsible for your actions and the events that happen around you; and the young lady, realizing that you have already decided on her, accepted her as your wife, accepts Holy Baptism, marries you, promises before God that you are now “one flesh” (Gen. 2.24; 1 Cor. 6.16). And, in the absence of your initiative, she begins to “steer” you legally. Either you remain in teenage limbo. But, thanks to the already perfect civil marriage, your spouse “rules” you. Until you get bored!
Hello, father! My husband corresponds on social networks with an unmarried girl from another city. They have known each other for a long time, even before we met him. At one time he wanted to marry her. But she refused him. Now they communicate on spiritual topics and congratulate each other on the holidays. This made me uncomfortable. She asked me to stop the correspondence. As a result, my husband has not spoken to me for several days and accused me of jealousy. He says that this is a great sin. And I can’t come to terms with their communication. I'm offended. It turns out that he is more interested in communicating with her... What should I do? How to talk to him? We are married. We have a little daughter...
Priest Nikola Muravyov
Hello! If you understand that your husband is more interested in communicating with someone than with you, then there are huge opportunities to get ahead of your competitors, because you know better than them, how your spouse lives, his passions and hobbies (for example, fishing, football, etc. .). Speak his “language”, be deeply imbued with his interests. Don't blame your husband, even though he relaxed. Understand his interests, live with them.
Jealousy is a sinful feeling, I agree with your spouse, but giving reasons for jealousy is also sinful. Each of you has your own view of the current situation. By the way, perhaps, like everyone else, you will still have problems ahead, both from within and from outside the family. It practically doesn't happen without this.
But there must be a spiritual father in the family who cares about integrity and Christian understanding between you. Find a Spiritual father who will advise and correct, praise and scold. Will help your family move toward the Kingdom of God.
Try to find a Mentor and Arbitrator, a prayer book for your family.
In your letter there is nothing about prayer, nor about confession, nothing about your spiritual dispensation. Perhaps this is correct, because your spiritual concerns and problems can only be solved personally, with your father who cares about your souls. It is possible, but at the same time you have yet to realize the vital necessity of this.
God help you! Give, Lord, peace to your family and spiritual wisdom with reasoning!
Daria, Moscow
a year ago
Priest Nikola Muravyov
Hello! Quite often the priest understands that the questions that people ask him are beyond his competence. I cannot understand the structure of the questioner’s soul, much less the inner world of a person close to him, in his relationship with whom problems have arisen. Sometimes we can, trusting ourselves, throw out phrases like “be patient,” “go away,” “for the sake of the child,” but this is our insolence.
My request to you: start praying the Psalter with prayers of repentance - Sorokoust. Pray for the health of your spouse, even if you are not married. The Lord will tell you what to do next. Your persistent prayer can catalyze the situation. Its development can go according to different scenarios, but through prayer everything will turn to spiritual benefit.
Try to bring your life closer to fulfilling God’s Commandments. In order to know them better, it is very useful to read the Gospel and the messages of the holy apostles. Find a person among the priesthood who will agree to be your spiritual father and whom you can accept in this capacity. How to choose the right confessor, you will be advised by the advice of Prof. A.I. Osipova (you just need to type a query in a search engine). Try to bring pure repentance for what was, in your opinion, wrong and sinful in life. Perhaps, for a brightened soul, the solution to a difficult life situation will become easier, at least in the sense of attitude towards it.
All people are very different, one would not do this or that, another cannot imagine life without it. As they say, in order to understand a person, you need to “eat a pound of salt with him” or “walk in his shoes” for a long time, then the motives governing his behavior will become clearer. I hope that your family still has more than one bag of salt ahead, but this is a wish and an assumption, but whether you will be able to save the family or take different courses depends on you and your husband. It is not meditative practices that will help with this, but prayer to God, the Most Holy Theotokos, muchch. Chrysanthus and Daria, the noble princes Peter and Fevronia and the martyrs Guria, Samon and Aviv, to whom we turn for the blessing and preservation of Christian marriage.
May God grant you faith, prudence and fervent prayer for salvation!
Aliya, Zelenograd
Priest Nikola Muravyov
Hello! Perhaps what would be worth starting with is reconciliation with the husband's parents. I doubt they are delighted with his walks. If there was a scandal caused by you, try to find spiritual strength within yourself, explain yourself, and ask for forgiveness for being harsh. I hope their “hate” is only in your imagination. Your spouse is an adult “boy”, what does that have to do with them?
It's much more difficult with a spouse. What you described is very similar to the use of you, your feelings and your material capabilities for personal gain. You need to honestly ask yourself: “Do I need this?” If your spouse does not refuse to communicate with his girlfriend, knowing the pain he causes you, then this attitude can hardly be called normal.
And on your part, it looks more like an ingrained addiction. More masochism than love. But the choice is always yours.
If a person is dear to you, then maybe it’s worth giving him another chance, asking the “either-or” question.
It seems to me that it would be more correct to discuss such a serious and complex problem from all sides with your spiritual father, a priest, who, knowing your soul, its weaknesses and strengths, can lovingly suggest possible solutions. With a soft hand guide your lifeboat to safe waters. To suggest the way to Salvation and proper family building. Do not give up prayer, the Lord will lead those who seek to the Light, the joy of Life. Both here and Eternal!
God help you!
Maxim, Ramenskoye
a year ago
Hello. I consider myself a Christian. As a child, I imagined God as the invisible controller of everything on the planet and believed in it. Now I have come to understand the essence of God, I see that God is love, He is in each of us. Love and compassion exist in every person - this is God. But I have doubts about the other world. Everyone knows that Buddhists call for the unification of all religions and for common values based on humanity and goodness. For them, dead people are reborn again. My wife and I got married and love each other, we believe that this love will never...
Priest John Kurbatsky
Good health! Your question is about the mysteries of the Kingdom of God, and I will begin my answer with the words of the holy Apostle Paul: “ For we know in part, and we prophesy in part; But when that which is perfect comes, then that which is in part will cease. When I was a baby, I spoke like a child, thought like a child, reasoned like a child; and when he became a husband, he left behind his children. Now we see as if through a dark glass, fortune-telling, but then face to face; Now I know in part, but then I will know, even as I am known"(1 Cor. 13:9-12).
What do we know in part? That there will be a resurrection of the dead. The Lord Jesus Christ says: “ Truly, truly, I say to you, he who hears My word and believes in Him who sent Me has eternal life, and will not come into judgment, but will pass from death to life."(John 5:24). " Those who have done good will go forth into the resurrection of life, and those who have done evil into the resurrection of condemnation.”(John 5:29).
Our faith is fundamentally different from the belief in reincarnation. In this regard, I can recommend to you the book of the New Believer Bishop Alexander (Mileant) (1938-2005) “On the threshold of life and death,” which contains a good and comprehensive criticism of the doctrine of reincarnation.
« IN in the resurrection they neither marry nor are given in marriage, but remain like the Angels of God in heaven"(Matthew 22:30). With these words, Christ gives us the promise of a spiritual way of life after death and resurrection. After all, the purpose of marriage is the unity of two people. And in the Kingdom of Heaven our unity will be in Christ. But at the same time: “ The eye has not seen, the ear has not heard, and it has not entered into the heart of man what God has prepared for those who love Him."(1 Cor. 2:9).
In any case, we can say with confidence that after death you can only be with your spouse in Christ Jesus. So, strive together for God, and He will give you life and life abundantly(John 10:10).
As for knowing God, no one can “understand the essence of God.” The Divine is ineffable and incomprehensible. There is a wonderful parable about this from the life of St. Augustine. One day the saint was walking along the seashore, reflecting on the mystery of the Holy Trinity, and saw a boy who dug a hole in the sand and poured water into it, which he scooped up from the sea with a shell. St. Augustine asked why he was doing this. The boy answered him:
I want to scoop the whole sea into this hole!
Augustine grinned and said that this was impossible. To which the boy said to him:
But how do you try to exhaust the inexhaustible mystery of the Lord with your mind?
And then the boy disappeared.
But at the same time, the Lord gives us the opportunity to comprehend Him and draw closer to Him, be with Him and glorify Him. In His revelation, given to us in the Holy Scriptures and church tradition, He reveals to us the truths of existence and the knowledge of God that we can comprehend. You're right, indeed God is love(1 John 4:8). But your further theses that “love and compassion exist in every person - this is God” are no longer indisputable and require clarification and explanation.
I advise you to read the Gospel and study your Orthodox faith more deeply. Accept the Christian faith with all your heart, with all your mind, delve into the world of holy Orthodoxy, study it not only in letter, study it through life itself, fulfilling the Gospel commandments. This knowledge is the most valuable wealth, having acquired which a person begins to despise everything as some kind of rubbish in order to gain Christ and achieve His Kingdom (Phil. 3:8,11). The Kingdom of Heaven is like a merchant looking for good pearls, who, having found one pearl of great price, went and sold everything he had and bought it(Matt. 13:45-46).
Yulia, Donetsk
Priest Gleb Bobkov
Good afternoon I would advise you to begin with, with all your soul, forgive the father of your child, no matter how difficult it may be, and leave him in the past, without remembering him. The more you delve into his sins and your grievances, the more difficult it is for you to live on... And you, busy with grievances and the sins of others, cannot see those new paths and opportunities in your life that God offers you. Just try to move on with your life, even if it is very difficult. Leave behind everything old and live in the new. Go to confession, repent of old sins and start looking forward. And you will be surprised how much more interesting and attractive you will become, even for the father of your child, if you still need him, with his behavior like this. You Small child, and you unwittingly transfer to him all the burdens of your grievances and sins of his father. You know how many women would like to have a child, even at such a cost, but cannot. Rejoice in what you have, and little by little, with God’s help, your joy will bring you what you still need. Don’t give up your prayers, but pray to God for your parents, yourself and your child. And just throw the father of your child out of your head and out of your heart. He is not worth your grievances and worries.
When God created man, created a wife from his rib, he commanded: “Be fruitful and multiply” (Gen. 1:28). And this commandment must be naturally fulfilled in family life.
Humanity is divided in half: there are men and there are women, and the word “sex” itself means “half.” Full existence, which every person longs for, seeks, is found either in union with God when restoring his fullness through monasticism - the adoption of an angelic image, or through the grace-filled union of a man and a woman, when “the two become one flesh” (Gen. 2:24). This union is for the sake of saving one’s soul, for the sake of fulfilling the commandments of God and, most importantly, for the sake of multiplying life, that is, for the sake of childbearing.
Man is destined from his creation to live a family life in order to raise children. The family is the means of salvation, without which most people living on earth cannot lead their lives chastely. Family for Orthodox man- a special, saving ark. We say that the Church is a new Noah’s Ark, but the family is a small Church and therefore also a saving ark for a person, protecting from sin. In this blessed union, a new life appears - a child, who, from the point of view of Orthodoxy, is a gift from God and His blessing.
Popular wisdom says: “If you endure it, you will fall in love.” But how can you get married without love?
A person strives for complete love throughout his life. It is a gift of God given by grace. To achieve such love, you need to acquire grace and keep it. And when a person lives a chaste, pure life in marriage, then this is the path of acquiring grace and the path of increasing love. Of course, such marriages, when one person is disgusted with the other, are abnormal. But hot passion is also an abnormality; passion passes, and what remains when the passion passes is the basis for family life. Therefore, there must be sympathy for each other, the presence of common interests, a similar level of education and social status is desirable. There should be a slight age difference. But you need to live to see love, you need to earn it. And then, after 10-15 years, the husband looks at his wife, and the wife looks at her husband, and he thinks: “What a blessing that I married her,” and she: “What a blessing that I married him.” Understanding that this is the only chosen one, it is impossible to imagine another person nearby, and that is love. But it comes when the ship of family life has overcome many storms and survived, despite everything.
Are love and passion different things?
Passion most often blinds a person. A person blinded by passions very much idealizes the object of his worship, and when passions subside, insight begins: “How could I worship like that?!” And there is great disappointment. Therefore, there is no need to rush. We need to make friends, get to know each other. That is, a person must imagine what he is getting into.
Family life is a burden on the cross. There are many joys, but also many difficulties. And a person must act reasonably, must be realistic. No need in family life, like playing a lottery: lucky or unlucky. This is a very serious step, we are talking about eternal life, about salvation. Through family you can be saved, but you can also perish. Carnal consolation will quickly pass, but spiritual union is an eternal union. This is what you need to think about.
Why do people strive for family life? What does it give to a person?
How does the Church feel about the fact that a single woman decided to give birth to a child and raise him herself?
Fornication, it is fornication. Sin, it is sin. A person has come to terms with the fact that it is impossible to create a family; one must also come to terms with the fact that a child cannot be born outside the family. There are cases, of course, of temptation and fall. Then having a child out of wedlock is a repentant situation. But if a person consciously agrees to have a child out of wedlock, one must understand that he is consciously committing a sin. Of course, nothing can be forbidden to anyone, because a person is free in his choice, but God’s commandment is known: “You shall not commit adultery,” that is, do not commit adultery. Cohabitation outside of marriage is adultery, fornication. And God's revelation speaks about this.
How is a husband saved by his wife, and a wife by her husband?
There is a hierarchy all over the world, and a husband can be saved by his wife if the wife knows her place. She should be more humble than the most humble husband. Thus, she is saved, and the husband is saved by the fact that the wife simply forces him to be the head of the family, even when, due to weakness, he tries to refuse this. The family exists as long as the head of the family is the husband, and “let the wife fear her husband.” There are a lot of energetic people now, business women who begin to feed the family, to command the family, and we see that in most cases this ends in tears: the husband either falls into temptation - begins to drink, fornicate, or even leaves the family.
The hierarchical structure of the family is commanded by God. The husband in the family can only be the head, and first of all he himself must remember this. It is his direct responsibility to support and preserve his family. If he is not the head, then, without even realizing it, he begins to suffer, he cannot find a place for himself. The wife also begins to distort her nature.
In maintaining the hierarchy, when the wife should be behind her husband, as if behind a stone wall, and the husband should be at home with his wife, as in paradise, salvation lies through each other. We fulfill our role in the family and, by witnessing this, we help our neighbor to take his place too. And, of course, there should be prayers for each other.
Should a husband help his wife with household chores?
I would formulate it differently: can a husband help his wife with household chores? Maybe. But you can’t say “should”. After all, what is debt? This is a duty. And we have already said that everyone in the family has their own responsibilities. The husband supports the family, and the wife should be the keeper of the home.
That is, household chores mostly fall on her shoulders. And you can’t force your husband to constantly wash the floors. I know that husbands themselves do this with pleasure if they see that it is difficult for their wife. But when they are forced, it is very sad for them, everything inside resists, because it is not their responsibility. Some women boast: “My husband does the laundry, cooks, cleans...”. We must understand that when a wife begins to gradually gain authority and power in the family and the husband is relegated to secondary roles, this is the path to family breakdown. There must be the authority of the husband and father. It is very important. Just as a husband must have the authority of God. Therefore, you can ask your husband for help in performing household duties, but you cannot order. You can accept help, but you cannot legitimize it.
Which spouse is more responsible for raising children?
In the Orthodox tradition, a wife should still be a home person and raise children. It’s a great job to run a house, a household, and that’s usually all a woman did. Due to poverty, when the husband was unable to feed the family, the wife had to work. But even if a wife has a higher salary than her husband, she should forget it. Traditionally, the entire structure of family life emphasized the authority of the husband and father. He sat down in the main place at the table and until he took the spoon, no one started dinner. And now mommy is bringing the plate to her son, to her daughter first, and then she’ll remember about dad. Little things, but they are destructive. They exalt children, children stop obeying their parents, and the authority of adults is lost. The art of family life is the art of wisdom. Humble wisdom. If dad is on vacation, everyone should walk on tiptoe. If it’s difficult for mom, dad should say: “Come on, kids, let’s help.” We need to see this, we need to notice each other, love, respect, live by caring for each other. And when you see only yourself, your fatigue, your desires, then you begin to feel sorry only for yourself.
But what if a woman still has to take on the responsibilities of the head?
Do not take! It is a sin when a husband gives his wife power in the family, and exactly the same sin when she takes it. They give it to you, but you don’t take it: “No, dear, you are the head of the family.” It is necessary not to say this, but in everyday life, in attitude, to emphasize the dominant role of men.
How not to take it? The family will be poor. Could this be so?
Maybe. The trouble is that we are trying to live in comparison with others. But you have to be content with what you have. The wife feeds the family, but there is no need to take power. Her husband is unemployed and cannot earn money, but he should still be put in first place, maintain a respectful attitude, and show that he is the head of the family. Power is not in who brings in the most money, but in the hierarchy before God.
It happens that a woman leader does not emphasize her leadership position in the family, but her husband still experiences this painfully.
Emphasizes, unfortunately. She thinks she doesn't emphasize it. The internal state is very inertial. When a person comes from a job where he was a leader, it can be difficult to switch to family life. This happens when we begin to treat work as the main thing in life, but work is obedience and there is nothing particularly to be proud of. There is intrafamily obedience, and there is social obedience. And everyone must be treated responsibly, but not made into a cult. Unfortunately, we are bad novices. That's the whole point.
Why do they say: “Darlings swear - they just amuse themselves”? So it's not dangerous?
They don’t swear, but scold, that is, grumble. They could have argued, but they humbled themselves to the point of only grumbling. They managed to extinguish the fire of irritability and quarrel within themselves when a conflict could have arisen. But when they swear, they no longer amuse themselves. And from the world they kill each other. When a person extinguishes the fire within himself, it gives comfort and joy that he managed to avoid a conflict. Then they have fun, of course.
What to do if a husband or wife begins to make fun of their spouse’s weaknesses in public, saying caustic, unpleasant things?
The Holy Fathers say that you should not tell anyone a word about internal family problems. Not only mock each other, but you don’t even need to share with anyone. If you reveal the secrets of family life to other people, you give power over your family life. But not all people are decent. Under no circumstances should you boast, rejoice, or share your sorrows. This is an inner, very mysterious life, it must be protected. A person can show weakness in his family, but it was in his family that he showed it; he hoped that his loved ones would understand him. He, perhaps, in another situation would not have shown it, but here he did not restrain himself, he showed his weakness, but not because he was taking it out on his loved ones, but because he believed them. The husband opens his soul to his wife because he trusts, just as in confession one trusts the priest, and when a violation of secrecy occurs, it is very close to divulging the confession. It’s sad when they start making fun of each other, telling secrets, and humiliating each other. This speaks of the depravity of the person who allows himself to do this, of the lack of wisdom.
What should a second person do in such a situation?
Try to reason with your spouse and be patient. And try not to give him a reason to ridicule.
What to do if your husband is abusive?
In one of the Orthodox books I read a story that a husband often came home drunk and beat his wife. Beat and beat... And the wife still humbled herself. He finally beat her so badly that she died. And when they brought her to the cemetery and buried her in the grave, he, standing in front of the cross, realized what he had done. He cried and did not leave this grave for several years. Then he completely changed his life. It turns out that his wife saved him with her humility. With her humility she pulled him out of the depths of sin and received the crown of martyrdom herself. This is, of course, a very high feat.
You must understand that the fire should not be extinguished with gasoline or kerosene. You can't be annoying. Otherwise, it turns out that the husband flares up, and the wife adds even more fuel to the fire. You need to force yourself to be patient, to reconcile yourself, because evil has one characteristic: it requires nourishment. When a person gets irritated, he wants to infuriate others and infect them with his anger. If a bully hits a person, he waits for someone to hit him back. And he begins to fight with good reason. If he said a swear word, he expects the same in response. And if he doesn’t receive it, he doesn’t know what to do anymore. We need to learn how to put out this fire. And it extinguishes humility and patience. Then, when everything calms down, you can say something, but not in irritation. And pray for the softening of evil hearts before the “Seven Arrow” icon of the Mother of God, the saints who are the patrons of family life; if the husband suffers from the vice of drunkenness - to the martyr Boniface, the Mother of God before Her icon of the “Inexhaustible Chalice”.
And, of course, you need to be reasonable when you get married. A person does not suddenly become an alcoholic or become cruel. If you see such manifestations and still walk down the aisle, you must understand what kind of cross you are taking on. And if you do take it, then be patient, bear it, humble yourself. You have made your choice.
How to bring an unbelieving spouse to the Church, how to plant the seeds of faith in his heart? And what should one do if he is against his wife praying, going to church, or fasting?
When, in the process of family life, one of the spouses becomes a believer, he often changes his life too dramatically and begins to pester everyone in the house, forgetting that he himself has been moving towards this life for many years. Therefore, you need to give your loved ones some time to go through this path. We should not force or teach, we must live this pure life ourselves, so that our loved ones can be convinced: with faith I become better - kinder, more patient, more hardworking. It is impossible to force someone to believe and love. And seeing our life, our loved ones will want to imitate us. This is the only way for a family to convert to faith. And, of course, we need to pray that the Lord will lead our loved ones to faith. Everything should be done with love, with respect, respecting the freedom of everyone in the family.
What to do if one of the spouses is wrong and does not intend to admit it, but insists that it be the way he wants?
The wise man yields. You can give in for a while to resolve the conflict. As they say, the morning is wiser than the evening. Evil crumbles over time, but good endures because it is based on eternity.
They are often afraid that others will take compliance as weakness.
You have to give in nobly. When an adult yields to a child, this is not perceived as weakness. You must understand that you can yield not out of weakness, but out of wisdom.
How to live with your spouse's annoying shortcomings?
You need to get along with yourself, fight your shortcomings. Since someone’s shortcomings irritate me, it means I need to be treated. Irritability and lack of self-control are my sins. I must repent of this and call on the church sacraments for help. If you carefully monitor your internal state, you will find the same shortcomings that are so annoying in others in yourself.
Can we generally say what causes all the problems in the family?
Due to lack of humility, all problems arise. We all do not want to humble ourselves: husbands - before God, wives - before their husbands, children - before their parents. As soon as everyone falls into place, all problems in the family will begin to disappear.
Another effect is the desire to compare your family life with the lives of other families, when envy arises. On the one hand, we understand that God gave us individuality, uniqueness, that we are not alike and our families are not alike, but for some reason we want to live like everyone else. But it is impossible to live like everyone else, because we are all different. God has given some people more prosperity, others less, and we need to come to terms with these circumstances and learn to enjoy what we have. If a person gives thanks and rejoices in what he has, he is always rich. I've seen people who have a huge material wealth, with the psychology of beggars. They cry all the time, they miss everything all the time. And there are those who can give their last, like the widow of the Gospel, who put in two mites, and at the same time live with dignity. Giving thanks for everything is the path to wealth, because wealth is the ability to agree with the circumstances of your life and the ability to live within your means. We sometimes envy and do not even suspect that as soon as a family becomes prosperous, it most often falls apart. We lived in poverty - in peace, in love, suddenly everything changed, the husband is already embarrassed by his wife, changes her, changes the family. There are few people who can adequately pass the test of power and money.
Therefore, the Lord gives to those who can. And when people themselves try to take what they want, it often turns out to their detriment.
If family relationships were built incorrectly for a long time, but one of the spouses or both saw the light, saw that everything in the family was turned upside down, how to change the usual, already established way of life? Where to begin?
You need to pray. And the Lord will order. When you begin to humble yourself before the providential will of God, who sometimes allows trials in order to save a person’s soul, this is the beginning of salvation.
How to understand the words that a woman is saved by childbearing?
A woman is saved not just by childbearing, but by love of children, sacrificial love, when she does not seek her own in love, but raises a child for God, with God and in God. Love of children always begins with Love of God. Therefore, one should not understand these apostolic words only as salvation by the number of children born. You can have many children, but not take care of them.
An Orthodox family is saved through childbearing, since the more children there are, the greater the opportunity to show love and care.
Why don't all families have children? And often they are not in those families where they would like to have them and could raise them well?
Sometimes spouses themselves do not want to have children, and sometimes God does not give them. The reluctance to have children is a distortion of the meaning of marriage, which is contained in childbearing. A family is formed in order for a new life to be born. Why doesn't the Lord give children? Perhaps the previous life was not very pious, or it happens that the Lord gave children, and the parents themselves refused at one time.
From the Holy Scriptures we know examples of fruitless marital unions. In former times, childlessness was perceived as God's punishment for the sins of the parents, and parents were very worried and prayed all their lives for the gift of children. Joachim and Anna, Elizabeth and Zechariah... And we see that at the end of their lives, when, according to all physical laws, they could no longer have children, the Lord gave them a child after they took a vow to dedicate the child to God. The birth of children is a moment of a person’s mysterious relationship with God, a humble moment. If the Lord gives children, you need to rejoice; if he doesn’t, you need to pray to God, humble yourself, and endure.
Is it possible to dissolve a childless marriage, considering it graceless?
The Holy Scriptures say that marriages were not dissolved for this reason; the spouses humbled themselves, endured, and bore their cross.
Is it possible to be treated for infertility?
Why can't it? The Lord helps through people and circumstances. Doctors are specialists who can fulfill God's will to heal people. There is no prohibition on visiting doctors.
In the apostolic letter there is the following phrase: “Let marriage be honorable in all and the bed undefiled...” (Heb. 13:4). But we are talking about marriage, how can the bed be immaculate?
It is not particularly customary to talk about the intimate side of marriage, because the main thing in marriage is still spiritual unity. A married marriage preserves chastity without damaging the inner spiritual world of the spouses even after they enter into a marital relationship. In especially pious families, husband and wife shared a bed only to conceive new life, for the birth of children. During the fasts, children were never conceived. When the wife was pregnant, the husband did not touch her. And during feeding too. Voluptuousness, which is now developing and encouraged on the basis of intimate marital life, is a sinful state, because God established such relationships between man and woman in order to multiply the human race through them and give birth to children. In pious families, husband and wife lived like brother and sister when they considered that the number of children was already sufficient, and in their old age they accepted monasticism. We did not inflame passions and tried to humble ourselves, since we are always supposed to live humbly
Can one spouse refuse intimacy to the other?
If both husband and wife are pious, Orthodox, believers, then such problems do not arise. They know when such intimacy is possible and when it is not. But still, Saint John Chrysostom advises: when one of the spouses in the family is an unbeliever, for the sake of maintaining peace, if this can lead to discord in the family, yield to him even during fasting.
If there is no harmony in intimate relationships, is it possible to turn to psychologists, sexologists, and other specialists in this field for help?
The problem of harmony in intimate relationships is also a product of physiology, when there is a desire to find in them something else besides procreation: the satisfaction of one’s voluptuous, passionate inclinations. When a person distorts this aspect of his life, he begins to experience dissatisfaction. In godly families, where they live on the basis of spiritual unity and where people are united not only by intimate relationships and mainly not by them, such problems do not arise.
Why is abortion considered a sin? Is it better to give birth to a child and not be able to raise him normally, because there is no apartment, little money, you need to make a career?
Abortion is one of the worst sins because it is the murder of one's own child in the womb. This is a heinous crime and must be avoided. They tell this story. A seduced girl came to the elder, who was about to give birth, but was afraid of her parents and wanted to get rid of the child. The elder tried to exhort her, but saw that the words were not getting through. Then he seemed to agree: “If you want to kill your child, kill him. But first give birth to him, and then take him in your arms and throw him into the river.” She obeyed. And when she gave birth and took her child in her arms, she suddenly felt that now she would never part with him, would not destroy her little blood. A maternal feeling awakened in her. And she realized that it was impossible to commit such a crime.
When a child is already born, it is obvious that murder is being committed, but the same thing happens when he is still in the womb. It doesn’t occur to you, because the apartment is cramped or there is a lack of money, to solve these problems by killing one of the family members?
If the birth of a child threatens the death of the mother, will abortion really be considered a sin in this case?
For your own sake already born child the mother, as a rule, is ready to do anything if his life is in danger. But when the child is still in the womb, it is also yours, your part, your blood. Therefore, abortion, in this case and always, is a sin.
They say that an abortion can affect the lives of other children in the family. But how can this be?
It is known that abortion undermines the health of the mother. In spiritual terms, the sin of murder is committed in the family, and sin is not only an act, it is also a distortion of a person’s entire spiritual nature, when the ability to keep one’s mind, will, and heart in purity is lost. Healing occurs through repentance, but not always as quickly as we would like.
One woman complained that her child was obedient, quiet, affectionate, but when she had an abortion, something happened to him, as if a demon had taken possession of him.
A family is a living organism, and everyone is responsible for the actions of any of its members. I know a family in which the son loves his father very much and does not recognize his mother. The father says: “I know why this happens, because I saved his life.” Mom insisted on an abortion, but dad resisted and defended the child. The son cannot evaluate this event at the level of consciousness, but from birth he does not reach out to his mother, and does not move away from his father. A family is a single spiritual organism; damage to the spiritual foundation of one family member during the Fall will certainly affect the lives of its other members. And children are more susceptible than adults, and these changes manifest themselves more openly in them.
Abortion cannot be done because it is infanticide. But why can’t you use contraceptives and be sterilized? It would seem that these are just the means to avoid resorting to abortions?
Again, an attempt to transfer the relationships leading to childbearing to other relationships that feed the voluptuous inclinations of people. In Greece, for example, for using contraceptives you are excommunicated from the Church for three years. So the most best protection from accidental pregnancy is abstinence.
If you know that a sick child will be born, is it necessary to give birth to him?
All in God's hand Therefore, there must be humility before His will. If someone is born sick, what kind of person did God give? A sick child is not born by chance, this does not happen. This is a cross necessary for the salvation of the souls of parents, because through children parents are saved. And it is through sick children, performing a Christian feat, that parents can reach great spiritual heights.
There are also cases when doctors are wrong in their predictions. It is best to rely on God's will and accept everything from God's hand.
Archpriest Evgeny Shestun answered questions
When the Lord created the first people, He told them: “Be fruitful and multiply.” What was the purpose of the first family?
The Lord, being good and rich (all beauty and wisdom is only in God), wanted to bestow His gifts on His creation. The universe did not yet exist. There was not an atom or a speck of dust in space, but God always existed. And the Lord, in addition to our earth, created an angelic world - the Kingdom of disembodied spirits. And then he created the first people, Adam and Eve, and said: “Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth” (Gen. 1:28). This was the first family, and its purpose was to enjoy the gifts of God and praise the Creator.
If the first people had repented after committing a sin, then the Lord would have returned all the gifts to them. Then all their descendants would live on earth, which would be Paradise. All people would be saints. And their reproduction would be sinless, without lust. People would fill the earth and, through prayer and a close prayerful connection with God, would enter Paradise. There would be no death. In the third book of Ezra, chapter 6, verse 42 it says: “God first created six parts of earth, and the seventh part of water.” And after the Fall, everything changed - after the Flood, there were six parts of water, and the seventh part was earth.
The Lord created people for eternal blissful joy, for eternal life. And since after the fall of people death entered their nature, now people earn their food by the sweat of their brow, give birth to children in pain, and get sick. And illnesses reduce the number of days of life by tens, hundreds of times from the period intended by God. We must learn to pray and repent in order to gain the Kingdom of Heaven and live forever with God.
How to create a real one Orthodox family, how to save it? What should family health be based on?
Once I had to talk to one person. I asked him this question:
What is zero in mathematics?
A hundred zeros, a thousand zeros - how much will it be?
Nothing, all this is empty space.
What if you put the number “1” in front?
Immediately all the zeros come to life! The number becomes tangible, significant, maybe even colossal.
So people without God are zeros, empty places, but if a person believes in the One God, the Creator of the universe and begins to fulfill His commandments, he immediately comes to life. And living in material and spiritual worlds, he is already a person before God, and a special person.
What is the most important thing for a person? Humility. God created the visible world from nothing, from zero. And if a person believes that he is nothing, zero before God, then the Lord can create the Kingdom of God in his soul.
You need to start your family life with humility. When young people want to get married, to tie themselves in marriage, they must understand that without mutual humility their union will be fragile. We must begin to live together in God, in love. And the goal of their union is one: the salvation of the soul. When giving birth to offspring, spouses must remember that they are giving birth to new souls not for hell, but for eternal blissful life, for eternal joy. The time will come, they will appear before God and say: “Here we are and here are our children.”
Once there was a woman at a conversation. He works as a rector at the institute. I tell her:
You need to go to church every Saturday evening, Sunday morning, all holidays.
And she answers:
We have no time, we are busy with business.
Death will come, and the institute will not help, and things...
But we have Orthodoxy there, they teach the Law of God.
In order to teach the Law of God, one must have an orientation towards Orthodoxy; the spirit in the teacher must be Orthodox. And you need to have it in order to transfer this spiritual charge to children and students. But if you teach the Law of God as an ordinary ordinary discipline, and even out of duty, out of necessity, and not out of personal convictions, then you will not grow anything in the souls of your students.
Any union must be imbued with the spirit of the gospel. Both family and state. Because without God there is no life. The center of our lives must be Christ.
“An unbelieving husband is sanctified by a believing wife” (1 Cor. 7:14). If a person wants to connect his life with someone who does not go to church, is it worth hoping that he will be able to pull his spouse out of the swamp of unbelief?
This question is extremely difficult. It happens that a girl is a believer, but a boy is not. And she cannot pull him out of this state, and sometimes she herself loses faith, the beginnings of her churchliness, and falls into the sin of atheism. When they get married, at first he may say: “I will go to church, I will pray.” But they got married, but there is no fear of God, he begins to cheat on her, to claim his rights when she wants to keep herself in fasts and abstain from the bed. This is how discord begins in the family.
Even those who have the fear of God find it difficult. Demons constantly tempt man. Only frequent confession and revelation of thoughts in confession help, then the Lord forbids the devil to take possession of the soul. If you do not observe abstinence during fasting, then the consequences of this sin are a defective child, a physical and moral freak.
Only believers can get married. This sacrament, like all church sacraments, is performed only on believers. It is impossible to count on the fact that in the future “I will make my husband a believer.” The girl thinks: “He will be baptized, we will get married, and then gradually I will lead him to faith.” This requires special courage and special boldness. Most often, this does not work out, because sin takes power over a person. We are still spiritually weak, and it will be difficult for us to live in God next to unbelievers.
A true Orthodox Christian will never choose a non-church man as her husband. Everyone chooses a mate according to their spirit. A girl, an Orthodox Christian, and suddenly, imagine, marries a guy who smokes, drinks, and swears. Is she really capable of pulling someone like that out of disbelief? It is very difficult. We repeat, for this feat one must have special courage, special grace from God.
I heard that if love is not mutual, it is in the hands of the woman herself to change fate.
In order to be loved, we must earn this love. If this love is outside the Church, outside faith, outside church sacraments, without God, then this is bad.
Spiritual people adorn themselves not externally, but internally, with the grace of God. When we come to God, and God is the Source of love, the Source of life, we constantly remain in prayer, through confession we cleanse the soul of vices and passions, then the accumulation of grace-filled energy will begin in the soul.
Another person is looking at spiritual person and feels this love, this grace. A gracious soul, like a magnet, attracts the souls of other people. Take, for example, small piece magnet, it attracts needles and paper clips. A small magnet is charged by a large one, and it can attract scissors, hammers, irons... Likewise, grace-filled Christians attract everyone to themselves.
I am a believer, but my wife is not. My wife cheated on me. I closed my eyes to everything and thought: let’s start living as if nothing had happened. He explained to his wife that he had forgiven her for cheating. Have I done something wrong?
One man's wife was constantly cheating on him, but he didn't know it. And it got to the point where she got sick and ended up in the hospital. He began to come to her at the hospital and carry packages. When she was cured and left the hospital, he never reminded her, like, what did you do? She later said: “After that, I began to love him with all my soul. What a wonderful husband I have: he never reproached me, he never remembered my sin!”
The Monk Silouan described the following incident: one day a soldier came to him to ask for advice. They wrote to him that his wife gave birth without him. He asked the elder what he should do. “I’m afraid,” he says, “I can’t stand it, I’ll kill her!” The elder asked if he had been in brothels during his absence. “Yes, I was,” he says. “You see, you man couldn’t stand it, but what about her? Forgive her, and accept the child as your own.” He returned from the army and was greeted by his parents, their faces gloomy, and his wife with a child in her arms. Everyone is waiting for what will happen, how will he react? And he, on the advice of the elder, took the child in his arms and went into the house. Everyone had fun and lived in harmony.
There are all kinds of falls. We shouldn't judge anyone. We must cover the sin of our neighbor with love, this is the most valuable thing. When Christ sent disciples into the pagan world to preach, they did not go with shouting, not with noise, but with love. And they converted the pagans to Christianity. Yelling and making noise won't do anything.
There are still some dangers here. There is no need to give a reason for betrayal. Try to have not only physical, but also spiritual intimacy with your wife. A wife who is spiritually close to her husband is unlikely to want to cheat on her loved one. And if betrayal has occurred, you need to talk firmly and lovingly so that she realizes her sin, goes to confession and repents. In order to maintain peace in the family, mutual understanding is necessary, we must learn to give in to each other.
My son has no children, although he has been living with his wife for three years. I tell them to go to church and light a candle. What should they do?
There is a proverb: “A slave is not a pilgrim.” When a person has an inner desire to ask or thank God, then out of an excess of heartfelt feelings he can come to church. And if a person’s desire for God has extinguished, then the fact that his mother or wife will force him to go light a candle and donate to the temple will not do any good.
Recently I had a conversation with one person. He is still unchurched. He says: “At Christmas I was going to thank the Lord for everything. I didn’t know how, I took a toy and put it on the window - Lord, this is a gift for You! And I experienced such joy! After all, I gave the Lord a gift!” Of course, it's childish. He's like a child. But the Lord accepted this toy too, since he had such joy in his soul. The Lord does not need anything, we need it all ourselves. We need to turn to God.
There are no children in a family for various reasons. For example, a wife had abortions, which is why there are no children, or she was stressed out and lost her stomach. There are people who put their belly back in place and conception occurs.
Or the Lord does not send a child, because he knows that if a child is born, it can bring a lot of evil. Or because the parents live wrong, and the Lord does not give them a child, wants them to go to church, pray, like the righteous Joachim and Anna prayed to God. Maybe the reason is sinful, due to bad habits: drinking, drug addiction...
It's all in God's hands. You can’t get away with a candle, the main thing here is that two souls are saved - a husband and a wife, otherwise you can give birth to ten children, die yourself and raise your children in a godless spirit. The husband and wife must be true Orthodox Christians, surrender to the will of God, then, if the Lord pleases, He will give them a child.
One of the sons really likes to be capricious and insist on his own. In whims he reaches hysterics. He is small, you need to love him, but you don’t want to let passions develop in him. What should I do?
The child’s whims do not need to be fulfilled. Apparently, one of the adults had already allowed him to fulfill one or two of his whims. And the child saw that a lot can be achieved by being capricious and insisting on one’s own. With his small will, he prevailed over the will of an adult. Of course, after this he will stomp his feet, roll on the floor, and knock on the wall; he may even foam at the mouth. This evil spirit possessed the child. And you can drive him out by subordinating the child to your will: bringing him to church more often, giving him communion. And the demon will leave. He will not tolerate the purity of the sacrament, because a child under seven years of age is under the special care of the Lord.
Metropolitan Anthony (Blum) told how one Girl went out into the yard with the children to play. She constantly beat the children, threw sand in everyone's eyes, called them names, and was rude. She was only five years old. But one day her grandmother took her to church for communion. She came from the church and went into the yard. He hugs and kisses all the girls and boys: “How good and kind you are!” She took the worm, put it on her palm, stroked it and said: “How cute you are! How smooth!”
When a person goes to church, confesses and receives communion, his soul changes and is internally cleansed. It is only necessary that the parents raise the child in agreement. Their unity is needed. If one forbids, and the other indulges the whims, they will not be able to raise anything good in the child. The example of parents is important because children, like a rubber sponge, absorb everything from them. A child must begin to be raised when he is still in the womb. It’s not for nothing that people say: “raise your child while he’s lying across the bench, but when he’s lying along the bench, it’s too late.”
It happens that a child has internalized some kind of hereditary sin. Then this sin needs to stop: the parents, and if the grandparents are alive, then they too should repent of their sins. Then the child will not suffer from the passions that overwhelm his soul.
How does having non-believing relatives affect believing family members?
Of course, everything is interconnected. It is said that “faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God.” If in a family one goes to church, knows the Lord, prays, confesses, follows the rule given to him by his confessor, and the other contradicts it, then an evil spirit is clearly interfering with the believer. But for some reason the Lord allows this. He gives us all our strengths and, if He allows temptations, it means He knows that we are able to overcome them. In war, heroes are born, and in spiritual warfare, holy souls, warriors of the army of Christ, are born.
One unbelieving wife herself told me how she interfered with her husband:
The time will come for him to pray, read the rule, I will turn on the TV and say: “Nothing, you still have time to pray.” And he, poor thing, sits waiting for me to watch all the programs. I’ll watch enough, go to bed, and he starts reading his prayer book.” But her husband puts up with her. He also carries out a feat for the sake of love for his neighbor, even if he is an unbeliever.
My son really offends me, what should I do?
Well, it’s our fault for not raising our son in the Orthodox spirit, now we are reaping the benefits. If the mother had been a real living Christian and raised her child in the law of the Lord, she would have been comforted.
There are many sons today, who early, instead of God, knew vodka, smoking, fornication, and offend their mothers. I often have to meet people like this. And parents often do not consider themselves to blame.
But it’s all because they live without God, there is no peace in the family, no love. For any offense they “gnaw” at the child and each other. The husband and wife are arguing, they don’t want to give in. It's scary when such relationships exist between neighbors. You can't swear! You can’t tell someone bad things about your son, complain, condemn. When we complain, the devil sees that we have fallen for his trick, and he inflames the discord even more. We sin so much against our neighbor! And according to God’s commandment, we must love. If we do not love our neighbor - son, husband, wife, then we do not love God, we are far from Him.
We need to stop swearing! "Those who speak evil will not inherit the kingdom of God."
Is it possible to submit a note for proskomedia for a son who does not go to church and lives in civil marriage without a crown?
If he is not against God, then it is possible. Sometimes people live with a hardened soul and cannot get ready to come to church. Why do many people now, having children, rarely go to church, their children are baptized, and then they are not seen at services? Because they fell under enemy influence, believed unworthy thoughts and did not speak them in confession, or confess to God about their fall. And after thoughts come prodigal passions and actions. The person does not repent of this, he is ashamed, and the grace of the Lord departs from him. He ceases to feel the Lord within himself and begins to get used to living without Him, of his own free will. It becomes empty, graceless, and from this begins internal irritation, disobedience to others, and stubbornness. Such a person has one goal: to nourish, satisfy the belly, drink, watch something indecent on video. The soul thirsts for grace, but where can it be found, besides the temple? On TV? They show all sorts of nasty things there specifically to corrupt the people and spiritually destroy Russia. When a person leaves the spiritual and goes over to everything carnal, he begins to become like an animal. His life becomes carnal and primitive. What kind of supreme creation of God is this when man has trampled on the spark of God within himself - his immortal soul! There are only passionate thoughts in him, not a single thought about the immortal and eternal! Life without prayer, without communication with your Creator - is this life?
Husband is very good man, but not a church member. kind soul, will never pass by someone asking, gives alms, sometimes goes to church, prays, but does not want to read the Holy Scriptures or get married. What to do?
“The unbelieving husband is sanctified by the believing wife” (1 Cor. 7:14). We must pray intensely for him and submit him to the Divine Liturgy. The prayer of the universal Church - earthly and heavenly - has the greatest power. The prayer of the Church brings grace to a person and gives him strength. And if he serves mass in several churches and monasteries, it will be easier for him to come to God.
One person in Pochaev shouted to me during a sermon: “Father, I am not baptized!” He came up to me, and the next day I baptized him in a barrel into which fifteen buckets of water were poured. After the third immersion, he stood up and, making the sign of the cross, said loudly: “Thank God that I am Orthodox!” What’s interesting is that he came home and his wife didn’t recognize him. He says: “I consider you dead.” And from then on I stopped recognizing him. He began to pray intensely for her. He took a prayer book and got on his bike, leaving for the country. He didn’t quarrel with her, didn’t argue. He came to me and told me how this atheist lives. And then one day she comes and cries: “Father, now she denounces me for everything. She has become so Orthodox, such a believer, zealous. She tells me: “You don’t pray enough, you’re careless.”
Prayer has enormous power, and not only in church, but also at home, when we pray from the heart.
Advise and help me deal with the problem in the family: my husband drinks often, I get nervous, scream, insult him... I tried to persuade him to go pray, he doesn’t even want to hear, I barely put a cross on him.
Darling, this is a problem for all of Russia, because everyone drowned in a glass. Why is this happening? Because the soul is Christian by nature, it needs spiritual food and grace. And since we don’t go to Church, don’t pray, don’t fast, there is no grace in our soul, we have to fill it with alcohol.
Wine drinking is a voluntary possession. When the demon of drunkenness takes over, a person has no spiritual strength left to defeat it. Here we need the help of loved ones and the Church. If a person wants to get rid of it, then this help is real: you need to apply to many monasteries and churches for his health and ask your loved ones and acquaintances to pray for the suffering person. And the most important thing is not to quarrel with him, because the demons see that we are irritated and fall into sin, and they act even more through him. “Save yourself and thousands around you will be saved,” says St. Seraphim of Sarov. God help you!
How to raise children in the law of God, in the Orthodox spirit, so that peace, quiet and tranquility are preserved in the family?
One peasant had five children, all of them very good and virtuous. The whole village was surprised, looking at them. A neighbor once asked a peasant:
How did you manage to raise such wonderful children?
Very simple. The first one was raised and taught by me myself, the second one studied with the first one, the third one with the first two, and the others the same way. And I learned everything from my father.
The son learned from his father, the father from his father, and the first in the family learned from the one Father - the Lord.
The family that is constantly with the Lord in prayer has God's blessing. Everything in her goes as usual. Although the devil tempts, family members struggle with passions and repent of their sins. And peace and love reign in this family, because God’s blessing is upon it.
Now there are many people who did not know the Lord, did not go to church, were in vices, passions, gave freedom to all their feelings and brought themselves to a graceless state. Gloom and darkness began to dwell in the soul, there was no more love. And we would be glad to live differently, to come to God, but we don’t have enough strength. But the Lord does not leave such people either.
It is said: “Where sin abounds, there grace abounds.” How to understand this?
If a huge house is destroyed, then a lot of money is needed to restore it. And to restore a small, destroyed house, less money is needed. Therefore, if someone has sinned a lot, he needs a lot of God’s grace to be saved. And the Lord gives this grace; the most important thing is to keep it within yourself. To endure everything, and sometimes to suffer and suffer.
One woman arrived from Minsk. Speaks:
Father, help me!
What's happened?
She became possessed.
A demon entered her.
Of course, the Lord allowed this disease for salvation. This is what it says in the letter of the Apostle Paul to the Corinthians: one man committed a grave mortal sin, therefore his body must be given to Satan for destruction in order for the spirit to be saved (1 Cor. 4). Any disease, even demonic possession, is earned by us and sent for our sins. Therefore, if we sin and live without God, there will never be peace and quiet in our family. Only in God can we find peace and a source of strength for raising our children.
How should children behave if their parents drink and argue?
I know children who, in their own words, strenuously ask the Lord for the salvation of their parents. Children's prayer immediately goes to the throne of the Lord.
One boy (deaf and mute, his name is Vanechka), when he sees that his dad is drinking again, immediately runs to another room, kneels down and prays. Shows the folder with signs: “You can’t drink!” He shows right on his fingers: “You can’t! This is bad!” Although he cannot hear, he understands in his soul that drinking is bad. So, if a son or daughter prays intensely, without getting irritated or shouting (after all, the drinker is sick) and lovingly asks not to drink, then the results will come.
My brother steals and takes drugs. His wife died, he left two children. We help him as best we can. Are we doing the right thing by sending him money, because it goes to no one knows where?
I had friends, family. The boy is five or six years old. Mother often brought bottles of sparkling water from the store. He poured and drank greedily. Every time I said: “You can’t give this to a child.” She asked: "Why?" - “Because carbonated water tickles his throat, he wants to drink and drink. When he grows up, he will definitely be a drunkard.” She answered: “Yes, okay! What do you understand!” - “Believe me, he will be a drunkard.” That's what I told her every time, but she didn't listen. When he entered third grade, he began drinking alcohol, became a 100% alcoholic, and died of liver cancer at age 30.
To drink, you need to get money from somewhere. So you have to steal. It's the same with drugs. If a person takes drugs, he constantly needs money, and a lot of it. Where can I get them? The easiest thing is to steal. Steal money and things to buy drugs.
And if we send money to our brother, it means we are unwittingly contributing to his sin. We are actually helping a person die. It is necessary to create a situation so that he finds a job, works himself and does not get carried away by this vice. We must bring the brother to God, push him to confession, so that he can reveal all his filth before Him, repent, leaving nothing unclean in his soul.
My mother and I have developed a relationship since childhood trusting relationship. But lately they have deteriorated. I am an irritable person, I often offend her. How can we achieve peace with each other?
You just need to make a general confession - from your youth, to repent of all your sins. You yourself say that not everything is in order in your soul. This means there are many sins. A soul with sins is graceless and easily irritated. Try to find them, remember them.
And parents must be respected. The Holy Scripture says: “Honor your father and mother,” “that it may go well with you, and that you may live long on earth” (Eph. 6:2-3). “Whoever hits or speaks evil of his father and mother will die an evil death” (Ex. 21: 15-17). Love must come first.
I will tell you from my life not for praise, but for the glory of God. I tried to live peacefully with my mother. I remember never arguing with her. My father died when I was little. She came around to us, and I felt sorry for her. The Lord preserved love between us. And when she died, I was not ashamed of her.
I often say to those people who do not live peacefully with their mother: “When your mother dies, you will cry and regret that you brought her a lot of harm.”
Every mother is happy when her daughter behaves well. And what is boiling in our soul must be drowned out, not allowed to spill out. Don't give vent to your bad feelings.
What to do if spouses cannot find a common language?
Many discords arise from the fact that we insult each other, cause mental pain, and therefore we ourselves suffer. A word spoken with love makes a lamb out of a wolf, but a harsh, arrogant word makes a lamb into a wolf.
When we live in a family, we must talk peacefully and calmly. I remember an incident from the life of the family of St. Augustine. His mother was a peaceful woman, but her husband, on the contrary, was hot-tempered. He often got everyone going: there was screaming and noise in the house, it seemed that a scandal was inevitable, but it did not grow. Her mother's friends asked her:
How do you manage to live peacefully with such a husband? He often insults you, but you never make a scandal.
When I see that my husband has rebelled and created an unpleasant environment, at this time I turn to the Lord and ask: “Lord, appease his cruel heart, humble him. You Yourself know how.” I begin to cry out to the Lord from the depths of my soul, I see: he calms down and calms down. And the family is quiet again. So try so hard, and there won’t be any scandals in your families. Always be calm and even.
It is very difficult to avoid irritation when communicating with others. Especially between children and parents...
There are such daughters, as soon as they meet their mother, they immediately begin to make trouble. And there are such mothers... Recently, one daughter went to Moscow on business. She lives separately from her mother. Mom didn't find her where she expected and calls. I picked up the phone and got on it. And the daughter is already forty years old, and the mother is over sixty. She immediately reprimanded her daughter:
Why aren't you there? When will you be there?
How things will turn out, how things will be resolved.
What other things are there! - and immediately screamed and created a scandal, as if she had power! But they are already adults.
It's just a bad habit to give freedom to your language and emotions. In order not to make noise, you must be silent. “Speech is silver, but silence is gold,” says folk wisdom. When we see something unpleasant, we must cover it with love and remain silent. And then the devil will not bother us.
You can get rid of evil through silence. Someone has rebelled against us, endure it, wait. After all, humility is a great strength. Be silent and don’t make excuses, even if you were right, because the Lord allowed this for our humility, for our inner healing. We are all sick: some to a greater extent, some to a lesser extent, which means there is something to heal in our soul. Silence is the first degree of humility.
The second degree of humility is when a person is insulted, but he not only remains silent, but also maintains complete peace, quiet and tranquility in his soul. How can you imagine this? The hail hits the walls of the house, and we sit inside, invulnerable to it; It's thirty degrees below zero outside, but we're warm and cozy by the stove.
The highest degree of humility is when you not only scold, but even beat. But a person is peaceful and in his soul he feels not enmity towards his enemies, but love and forgiveness. The Lord said: “Love your enemies, do good, do not curse, but bless.” This is a very valuable spiritual state.
The humility that we cultivate in ourselves will help us walk the path of life. One day a demon came to the Monk Macarius and, wanting to anger him, dragged branches and twigs into his cell. But the grace of God preserved the saint, and he was not disturbed in spirit. And suddenly the devil says:
Listen, Macarius! You fast - I don’t eat at all, you stay awake - I don’t sleep at all. With one you defeat me.
Humility.
And having said this, he disappeared. Because humility conquers all evil.
One day the Monk Anthony saw nets placed around him. And it was said to him:
No one can escape these snares except one person - the humble one.
I'm forty years old bad relationship with sister. When she was young she sinned with my husband. I forgave her as best I could, but two years ago our brother was killed, and our own nephew ordered the murder. I notified her about this, but she continues to be friends with him. How should I treat her - forgive her? Should I pray for her?
Friendship comes in different forms. If she stays with her nephew in good relations, with good intentions, wishing him correction in order to lead him to repentance, then this is wonderful. But if their friendship is for the purpose of continuing to engage in a sinful life, then this, of course, is bad. You need to calm down, let everything remain on her conscience, continue to pray that the Lord will bring his nephew to repentance, to correction, so that the Lord will give her repentance too.
Of course, we are often tempted by evil spirits, but sometimes we ourselves become like evil spirits. I remember one interesting incident. In one church the sexton had an assistant, a young boy. One day the sexton went away, then came in, and the novice poured water into a tablespoon, put in an egg and boiled it on a candle. The sexton asks:
What are you doing?
Father, forgive me, the demon tempted me.
And then the demon appeared in person and was indignant:
I didn't tempt you! I myself watch what you do and learn.
So we ourselves are often tempted and seduced. We have been given reason, we have been given free will, and we must guard our souls from sin.
The son-in-law borrowed quite a large amount of money and is not paying it back. Will it be a sin if I remind him of this duty?
If you have an extreme need and know that he can give, then you will not sin if you ask, and if he stubbornly does not give, then let the debt remain on his conscience.
A believer never loses anything. Perhaps we have done few good deeds in our lives, we have not given a tenth of our income to the Lord through the hands of widows, orphans, and the poor, so let debts, if they are not repaid, become our alms. It's good for the soul. There is no need to create scandals.
Everyone needs to remember: when we help our neighbor, especially those who are in dire need, we are sacrificing to God Himself. Whether we give money or things to someone who stands on the street and asks, or to someone who does not stand with an outstretched hand, but, we know, has a need, we give to the Lord through the hands of the poor.
The Apostle Paul says: “The hand of the giver will not fail.” How more people If he gives to those in need, the more he will have. The Lord knows the one who gives willingly, and sends even more so that he has something to distribute. Believe it and check it!
And most importantly, you need to maintain peace of mind. If you insist and put pressure on your son-in-law, there may be scandals. And scandals are not a Christian method of communicating with neighbors. This is not useful for salvation.
Remember the life of St. John? One day a man robbed a pious elder. He took everything from him. Punishment came soon: he was caught and taken prisoner along with the robbers. The elder found out about this and tried to ransom his offender. He bought it, brought it to him and served him with love and joy. And he never reminded him that he had robbed him. He fulfilled Christ's commandment: “Love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who despitefully use you and persecute you” (Matthew 5:44).
I have three children, all small. There is no church in the city, we have great difficulty getting to services. The youngest one whines during the service and he has to leave the church. Maybe it’s not worth going to the temple with such difficulty to stand in the vestibule. Maybe it’s better to pray at home?
Doesn't the Lord know your difficulties? He knows. In the eyes of the Lord, your desire for Him, for the temple of God, is valuable. When we come to church, of course, it is better not to disturb the silence. Children's crying during the Divine Liturgy distracts the people. Even if you stand in the vestibule, the grace of God will still touch you.
One woman in Strunino had seven children. We had to take the train to the temple and walk from the station to the Lavra. And despite these difficulties, she did not miss a single holiday; she was always in church with her children. The children were of such an age that they no longer cried. Now they have grown up and are assigned to monasteries, they are on the path of salvation.
My husband doesn't want to have a child. When I start talking about children, my husband becomes silent, moves the conversation to another topic, and gets angry. I, in turn, cannot imagine how one could not want children. In addition, the doctors strongly recommend that I not delay my pregnancy, because I have certain “women’s problems”, and I am no longer young - 28 years old. They say that if I put off having a child any longer, I may not be able to become a mother at all. The husband knows about this, but still finds many reasons. We stopped understanding each other, so family relationships have left much to be desired lately. I'm completely exhausted: I don't know what to do. Leave my husband (we are not married)? But I love him very much. Use a trick, get pregnant and present your spouse with a fait accompli? It will be difficult to do this, since the husband is very scrupulous in matters of contraception. But is it possible to do this? Do I have the right to deceive him in such matters? Or should I reconcile myself, not insist on anything, and submit to my lot? Or maybe God, for some reason, does not give me a child with this person, thus protecting me from something?
Answered by Hieromonk Dorofey (Baranov), cleric of the Bishops' Church
For a person who believes in God, there is no doubt that the birth and raising of children in marriage is a blessing from God, a gift and happiness for a person on earth. A marriage without children (except for physiological reasons that prevent this) is incomplete and indicates a lack of love on the part of one of the spouses or both at once. It can also be said that only after the appearance of children does marriage become a full-fledged family. However, nothing can be a reason for the destruction of a family union, even such a deep misunderstanding by your husband of the meaning of a marriage union. Apparently, he is a person far from faith and the Christian worldview. But, again, this cannot be a reason for divorce or deception.
Having children (or not having them) has become part of a comfortable life modern man. The general line of reasoning is usually this: when the well-being of our lives reaches the level necessary for having a child, then we will be able to afford it (having a child). If we translate this into the language of meaning, we get the following: give me money, then I will stop stealing. But, in essence, birth control (everything is clear with abortion - this is murder) is nothing more than theft from God, resistance to His will and, ultimately, to the entire established world order. How can a person be happy in such a case?
If you are a believer, then try to humble yourself (as you rightly say), but not submit. It is necessary to humble yourself before God. And our submission to people should not extend to the area of faith in God. Try in confidential conversations with your husband to reach his heart, to awaken in him pity for you. And, of course, we must ask God in prayer for mercy on us - cruel to ourselves, and therefore deeply unhappy people.
Being a married couple, my husband and I want to have a child. However, despite my burning desire, I am afraid of motherhood. I am afraid that a sick child will be born, although I understand that everything happens according to the will of God... As a child, we made fun of a girl who, as it turned out, was sick... What should I do and how to pray in order to safely find a healthy child?
Indeed, everything happens in accordance with Divine Providence, not only “a hair of a man’s head cannot fall to the ground” without the will of God (Lk. 21 , 18), but in general nothing can happen to us unless the Lord allows it to happen. And here’s what you need to understand: you must not only believe in God, you must also believe in God, that is, trust Him. To believe that He loves us infinitely and that everything sent to us - be it joyful or sorrowful - is sent for our benefit, for our salvation, so that we can bring Him the greatest possible fruit for us, draw closer to Him, unite with Him .
Therefore, do not be afraid, do not let the enemy confuse you with this cowardly and lacking fear, trust in the One closer to whom you have no one and never will be. Read often the akathist to the Mother of God - the Intercessor and Patroness of all mothers, ask that your fear go away, so that through Her prayers the Lord will send you a healthy, full-fledged child in due time. And one more thing: be sure to examine your soul, test your conscience and cleanse it in the Sacrament of Repentance. Repent also of those childish ridicule of the sick girl that you remember now: after all, it is possible that that long-standing sin is making you worry so much today.
How to confess during pregnancy (are there any differences)? Do we need to confess that we used contraception? For my husband and I, abortion is unacceptable and refusal of birth control is impossible, since we cannot give birth to as many children as God wills, we simply cannot afford to feed them. Is this a sin?
Answered by priest Mikhail Vorobiev, rector of the temple
in honor of the Exaltation of the Honest Life-Giving Cross of the Lord in the city of Volsk
Confession and communion during pregnancy should be the same as when you are in your normal state. True, when taking care of the spiritual and physical health of the unborn child, you should do this more often than usual. You should also read the Gospel and attend divine services more often. The church charter makes it easier and even abolishes fasting for pregnant women; You can establish a specific rule for preparing for Communion if you go to church and consult with the priest, so that in a personal conversation all your circumstances can be taken into account.
The Church considers birth control a sin. This is due to the fact that the purpose of marriage is to have and raise children. Refusing to have children under various plausible pretexts, but without giving up marital relations that bring joy, you are replacing the true essence of marriage with one of its minor aspects.
The Church recognizes that in certain cases the birth of children is impossible or untimely. In this case, you should use the only form of birth control permitted by the Church - abstinence from marital relations.
What prayers help with conceiving a child, maybe some “services”? What do you recommend?
Answered by Hieromonk Dorofey (Baranov), cleric of the Bishops' Churchin honor of the icon of the Mother of God "Quiet my sorrows."
Most likely, it would be more correct to talk about which saints Christians usually resort to in their prayers to God for the gift of offspring.
Sacred history tells of several married couples, pious and righteous, but for a long time without children. These are Abraham and Sarah, Jacob and Rebecca, Zechariah and Elizabeth (parents of John the Baptist), Joachim and Anna (parents of the Mother of God), also the prophetess Anna, mother of the prophet Samuel. Of course, they prayed a lot for the birth of at least one only child. And in all these cases it was a test of faith. God heard the prayers addressed to Him, but delayed in fulfilling what was asked because of His Providence, incomprehensible to us, for each person and for the whole world. Such great examples of obedience and trust in God should strengthen those who desire to have children. We need to get acquainted with the lives of the listed saints and pray to them for help in giving offspring.
The ways of God are unsearchable (see: Rom. 11 , 33), but one thing can be said for sure: God wants every person to be saved. Therefore, when preparing to take upon ourselves the care of a new person, who is from his parents in flesh and from God in spirit, we must strive to be worthy of this. The best preparation may be, first of all, to consecrate the family with the sacrament of Marriage. And, secondly, so that God’s blessing remains in the family, the sanctification of its members - husband and wife - through the sacraments of Confession and Communion, which, of course, is possible only in the Church.
This will be your “service”, active prayer. Not the conclusion of a “contract” with God: we are for You, and You are for us, but the beginning of a new life in communion with God, as the giver of every good. And ultimately, your desire to have children and a strong family should result in a desire for that righteousness that the Lord will never leave without His care (Ps. 36 , 25).
I've been married for 1 year. I really want a child, but, unfortunately, nothing is working out, I tried to see doctors, but they didn’t help me. I periodically visit church, go to confession, receive communion and unction. I talked to the priest, he said that I need to marry my husband, then there will be children. My husband doesn’t want to, I can’t force him. Tell me what prayers I should read so that God will hear me and be able to give me a child without a wedding.
Answered by Hegumen Nektary (Morozov), rector of the Bishop's Church
in honor of the icon of the Mother of God "Quiet my sorrows"
The birth, the coming of a person into the world is always a mystery, a miracle that the Lord performs time after time throughout earthly history. Why doesn’t the Lord send a child to you and right now? Surely there are reasons for this, and, of course, the point is not only that you live in an unmarried marriage, because we can see how the Lord gives children to people who do not believe at all, and not just one, but many. And at the same time, pious people sometimes have neither a son nor a daughter.
Yes, of course, you need to pray that the Lord will bless you with offspring. But we also need something even more important: to learn to trust God, to believe that we are not forgotten by Him, that everything that happens or does not happen to us is not accidental, that the Lord does everything for us out of His mercy and love. Only in this way can a person truly approach God. And in order to teach us trust and faith, the Lord allows us various tests, including those that were allowed to you.
Don’t be afraid, don’t be discouraged, don’t look for any “special” prayers, because there are none. The power of any prayer lies in the faith and sincerity of the person praying. And it is our life that “strengthens” and supports prayer or, conversely, makes it weak and helpless. In your letter there is such a very characteristic expression: “I regularly attend church.” And for church life, constancy is extremely important; a person must be immersed in this life, it must become his life, then he will see and perceive many things in a completely different way.
Try to truly understand and accept these simple words, well known to all Christians: “Seek first the Kingdom of God, and other things will be added to you” (cf. Lk. 12 , 31). If you personally have the determination to first of all seek this Kingdom, and then everything else, then the Lord will send you this rest. She will send the child and bring her husband to reason sooner or later. God only grant that this determination matures in you.
Is it possible happy marriage with a girl who previously had long-term sexual relationships with several guys? She has been a church person for several years now and has changed her life. I met her at the temple. I ask the question because everywhere on the Internet they write that such girls cannot have healthy children.
Answered by Hegumen Nektary (Morozov), rector of the Bishop's Church
in honor of the icon of the Mother of God "Quiet my sorrows"
It is difficult to find a person today who, before coming to the Church, would not have made certain mistakes in his life, sinned, or transgressed the Gospel law. However, the Lord is merciful and not only accepts us when we finally turn to Him, tired of wandering along the “crossroads of sin,” but He Himself possible ways pushes us towards this appeal. And the essence of repentance, which is inextricably linked with a person’s real, meaningful coming to the Church, is that God gives us the opportunity for internal change, transformation, thanks to which the “old man” dies with his passions and vices and a new one is born.
The history of the Church is full of examples of how the most desperate sinners, seemingly doomed to become “prey of hell,” were transformed into the greatest saints by repentance. The Venerable Mary of Egypt, the Venerable Niphon of Cyprus, Moses Murin, Barbarian the Robber, Equal-to-the-Apostles Prince Vladimir - this list could be continued for a very long time. And if desperate fornicators and harlots, criminals and murderers, having repented, were able to become saints of God, then why can’t a girl who has not kept chastity in ignorance of her life according to God, thanks to the same repentance, change enough to become a good wife for someone?
Yes, any person depends largely on the skills he has acquired - good or bad. But grace heals the soul, straightens what is crooked. The main thing is that the appeal is sincere, genuine, so that there is no return to the former, abandoned and forgiven. And then, in the words of St. Andrew of Crete, “God can whiten and cleanse the leper’s life.”
