Why does an ex visit my psychology page. Psychologist: if you go to the pages of the former on the VKontakte social network, this is a bad sign, because the relationship is not completed. Should you rekindle your relationship with your ex?

Men and women are so different that sometimes it is difficult for them to understand each other. Even harmless communication in social networks or on dating sites is interpreted by each of the representatives of the same sex in different ways. Let's try to figure out how a woman needs to understand this or that behavior of a man on the Web.

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Online dating has become the accepted norm. Almost every person has their own page in social networks or a profile on a dating site. But not always virtual communication develops successfully. Some men do not seem averse to talking, but they do it so "in their own way" that it is not always clear whether he wants to continue acquaintance or not. Do not rush to immediately remove the gentleman from the list of possible candidates for suitors. Try to understand the reasons for his behavior.

He only looks, but does not write anything

Your page is full of photos, and you know that a man regularly visits it. You wait for him to finally write something to you or comment on a photo, but he is persistently silent. Conclusion: he is definitely interested in you, but he either does not dare to write to you, because he cannot find a reason, or he is a terribly insecure person who does not believe that you want to communicate with him. There is only one way out - to make an acquaintance yourself, asking about the reasons for such an active interest in you.

Never text you first

You already know each other, but he will never initiate communication first. Often in such situations, it seems to a woman that she is not interesting to a man. I don’t want to impose, what if it only pisses him off? But it doesn't hurt to know that some men are very shy and he just doesn't dare to text you first. Perhaps he, just like you, does not want to impose his communication on you. But most often, of course, he really has no desire and interest to communicate.

READ ALSO - 5 reasons not to visit the pages of your loved one in social networks

Doesn't support dialogue

You communicate, but do not feel interested on his part. Yes, he answers your questions, but his answers are either monosyllabic or very superficial. And he doesn't ask you anything. There may be several reasons for this behavior. Perhaps he was not interested in the topic of your conversation. He would like to hear a story about your interests and hobbies, and you are talking about something else. Your task is to find a topic that will be of interest to both of you.

He writes from the phone uncomfortable place, and generally does not like correspondence. He prefers telephone or live communication, but he does not dare to ask for your number or invite you on a date.

The last option - he really is not in the mood to communicate, and you all do not let up. Take a break. Perhaps he will write to you after some time. Better yet, carefully study his profile or page. Perhaps you are not the one he is looking for?

Offers sex

Perhaps, such men, especially on dating sites, are the majority. Some do not even hide their marital status. Whether you agree or not is up to you. However, if you are not interested in a man, do not start a long debate with him, but simply ignore the message. If the guy turned out to be handsome, thank him for the compliment. You understand that not every girl men make such proposals. In the end, you can always go on a date with him, and then decide for yourself how events will unfold further.

Writes a lot and on any topic

At first, it pleases, but after a while there is a desire to meet this person, but he does not call. There are also a lot of options for such behavior. Perhaps the man is just a very sociable person, he is pleased to talk with you, and your correspondence is enough for him.

Perhaps he is not able to invite you somewhere, simply because he does not have money. Or maybe he has money, but he is not yet sure that you will succeed, and he does not intend to spend money on unpromising relationships.

There is another option: this man is married, but the relationship has lost its sharpness and brightness. He needs a girl who would listen to him, admire him, wait for his letters. But he does not want to change anything in life, and therefore does not proceed to active actions.

He asks a lot, but does not talk about himself

These are signs of a scammer. He can beautifully disguise himself with phrases that he is almost a secret agent. But most likely, this is his secret fantasy. He creates the image of a successful young man, but never gives addresses, exact names, etc. He can invite you on dates, spend time with you, but then disappear once and for all. And where to look for it, you do not know.

The second option: a man clearly knows what kind of woman he is looking for. He asks you questions, studies you, calls you on a date, and then down the aisle! Believe me, this happens too!

Aliiinaaa

Alina, 21, single

Hello, I have a problem with the fact that my boyfriend periodically visits the page to his ex girlfriend and denies it. Recently, I went into the history on my laptop (see the link I need) and came across the fact that he comes in and looks 2p a week (no correspondence). I ask him why? To understand what he wants to see there, he denies everything and says that he doesn’t come in (very stupid stand * you invent everything, I’m with you, I chose you *). And for me this is a problem, I don’t want him to do this, because everything comes from the past. When we met, I was 16, he was 22, we just talked for 2 years, periodically every 2-3 months he could call to ask how things were going, then he said that I was little, we didn’t communicate for 3 months and by chance I found out that he slept for a year with another. I was 18 then, I was very worried, it seemed to me that I had been betrayed. We broke up for a year - I got new guy, we just talked with him (there was no intimacy), and he met this girl (there was intimacy). Then we still reconciled with him and now we have been dating for 3 years. Sometimes he reminds me that I had another, in response I tell him that he himself is far from ideal. But the problem is that from time to time I see that he comes to the former, or through mutual friends some information about her, I’m not so pleased that I can no longer and don’t want her to be mentioned in any way in our relationship . Now I told him that if he doesn’t stop, I will leave him (my calmness is already dearer to me, I became very nervous, distrustful). I don't know how to be...

Aliinaaa, hello. Trust is very important in any relationship, and even more so in a couple's relationship.
When I read your text, I thought that both of you do not have a sense of personal space, the intimacy of inner life. You are both subjects, i.e. separate individuals with their own history and both have the right to privacy.
Have you asked yourself why you are checking his "history" on a laptop? Why do you need it? I can assume that you have not had confidence in him for a long time and you are trying to bring him to clean water. Why do you need this? You write that you know about his interest in the former, but what do you do with your knowledge? You control him and expose and make demands on him, instead of thinking about your attitude and the meaning for you of his interest in the former and making a decision. And you yourself are interested in how and what is with your ex-boyfriend?

Aliiinaaa

I know that he has feelings for me, and I have feelings for him, but the development of our relationship has stopped, we have known each other for 6 years, we have been dating 3. He does not propose to me, everything suits him now (refers to the fact that we have nowhere to live), and I'm thinking about the future.
With regards to his interest in the social. Networks, sometimes it seems to me that I'm exaggerating everything, but I ask myself the question why he comes in, so he's interested. You are right, I lose confidence in him, because I know that he is coming. More recently, he subscribed to Her boyfriend and puts likes on their joint photos. I ask why? ! You want to show that they are interesting to you or what is the point. All our partings end in a week, he comes and we make up. And all this is accumulating in me and now I can no longer suppress the desire in myself that I need to resolve this issue once and for all. I have no interest in my ex-boyfriend, sometimes he writes to me and is interested in my life, I answer briefly so as not to start conversations.

My boyfriend is the first relationship, and also so divisive. I'm just afraid to interrupt them, I console myself with the hope that he will change (problem 2), even our joint friends do not understand his interest in the former. Another problem (2) we have is that we have no common hobbies. I have a difficult translation now, I came back from vacation and got fired, now I am looking for new job. I have few friends, and I always share with a guy, get hung up on him, call, ask when he comes home from work - all so as not to be at home alone. Perhaps when I find a job, it will become easier for me and I will direct my energy into a useful business, developing myself, but so far everything is sad. I'm not with him, without a job and I don't know what to do

>>> You control him and expose him and make demands on him, instead of thinking about your attitude and the meaning for you of his interest in the former and making a decision.

For me it has great importance, I explained more than once that I was not pleased, he refuses, says that I exaggerate everything. My attitude to this is already like a mental disorder.

Understand. I see that you are a thinking person and evaluate everything correctly. Unfortunately, some relationships fade over time - they give you what you needed earlier, but no more, so they exhaust themselves, so to speak, the sharpness of feelings goes out. If there is nothing that could unite (unite) them, they scatter or stay and "tolerate" each other or begin to harass each other.

Aliiinaaa

It turns out that now I have to insist on my own and wait for recognition and explanation from him (if he really wants to save the relationship). It's all complicated and I feel how we are moving away, but there is no other way out ...

No, insist - why? You don't want to force him to say what you want? He does not have to "confess" (it seems to me that you already understand and know everything, because you are watching what is happening), but you must recognize the fact of his interest in the other, the fact of cooling. You write - "if he wants", but what do you want? And do you need his confessions if you yourself do not love him anymore? Or love?

Aliiinaaa

I mean Insist, i.e., now do not put up with him = hush up the conflict. And I'm waiting for him to explain to me why he comes. Cooling, honestly, I don’t feel, I know that he doesn’t communicate with her, (in fact there are no calls, meetings) if we move away from this, then we have topics for communication, I can safely stay alone with him for a long time, talk with him about many things. I want to resolve this. Love or affection I don't know, but I miss him and miss him

You can miss your mom, dad, friend, "quietly" stay "for a long time" and talk. You do not write directly - "I love" or "it hurts" me from ... You argue, but feelings of love are not expressed. Very rational.
Are you sure you want to know what he comes in for? I already know - it pulls, is curious, reminds of itself (likes), - this is a form of non-verbal communication, nostalgic for something, has its own secret personal life (has the right).
The thing is, you have to be 100% sure of your love in order to ask the other how much he loves you. You are trying to control and demand, but do we have the right to demand to love ourselves if we do not love ourselves? Understand your feelings. By and large, the other does not owe us anything and we can only get what he offers us.
I write based on my own life experiences, relationships and stories of my clients.

Aliiinaaa

Yes ... I need to understand a lot both in myself and in what is happening around. Olga, thank you

My pleasure. Sometimes it is necessary to give place not to the rational, but to the sensual, intuition. How do you feel next to this person, what feelings does he awaken in you. Do you feel happy, loved by your side, or are you annoyed, suspicious ... What does he awaken in you? Do you want to be what you feel?

Aliiinaaa

I feel good and calm until I start to remember. But it's not every week, we can have this once every three months or half a year, it's normal then again I will see or learn something. As I remember, everything becomes irritable. And mine ex-boyfriend looked after me a lot more and I liked it. He constantly pleased me with surprises (and I did too) and we went to many places. And now my pareg works a lot, often spends time with friends and the maximum where we go is once a week to the cinema (that’s development - long meetings and that’s it. I want more seriousness, he’s already 27). Mom says he's not my man.
I also provide for myself - I buy things for myself, I got a license, I flew abroad. I understand that he should not help me. And he understands that this is the norm for our relationship - it’s different for girlfriends. Often we put up because he completely tires me intimately. And I miss him. But this is one of the components of the relationship, but not the main one for me.

It seems to me that he is throwing me from side to side, I blame him then I defend him, I think that I miss him, and then I think how I will start dating again if I am with him and I will know that he can go there at any moment.
His reaction amazes me. During the week that we did not communicate, he called me 2p and, as if nothing had happened, asked how you were doing, what I was doing, what was new. It's like we didn't fight. He believes that he did not swear with me, he says I'm not lying. I didn't come.

You write about what happened before, but now the relationship, if you don’t think about it and don’t deepen it, is quite calm, each by itself more and more. Your intuition tells you "it's different for your friends" and your mother says: "he's not your man" - why does she say that?

Aliiinaaa

Mom knows that I’m interested in a lot, I constantly want to go to an interesting exhibition, to the theater, just to the park, but she doesn’t see versatility in my boyfriend (well, that’s the way it is ...) his interests are only cars, so I I often go where I want alone or with a girlfriend (but in his opinion I can’t go to clubs - forbids), but I don’t go with him, he’s not interested, what’s interesting to me

But in the last year, too, little has become interesting for me. As if laziness and lack of initiative pass from him to me, I become boring for myself, my friends don’t notice this, they say that I myself have to decide whether I need my boyfriend or not

The first day of winter - isn't it a reason to write an unobtrusive SMS with congratulations to the former (former)? Jokes are jokes, but the vast majority of Belarusians actually do not know how to properly end a love relationship. All these page views of ex-girlfriend and ex-boyfriends on the VKontakte social network, strange SMS many months later, likes on Instagram - not from a good life. From a psychological point of view, this is a sign that the relationship has not been completed. About whether it is worth returning to the former and how to break up correctly, Onliner.by talked with an expert in the field family psychology- Minsk psychologist, Gestalt therapist Svetlana Makarevich.

Belarus has one of the highest divorce rates in the world, and premarital relationships are not so simple either. Why do couples break up?

The number of divorces in Belarus is increasing because the socio-economic situation is unstable. It involves a lot of pressure from the outside. According to statistics, the number of divorces always increases in times of crisis. This requires a lot of effort and investment. The tension increases so much that it is easier to disperse. When they come to the registry office, what are the main reasons for divorce? “We did not agree in character”, “we have different views”, “we could not get along”. Behind these standard formulations lies a lack of true intimacy, which has become apparent against the backdrop of socio-economic difficulties. We have to solve so many tasks together that people get too tired and cannot cope with big amount problems.

In addition, it is the crisis in the economy that leads to such fears among men, when even financially successful Belarusians are afraid that they will not be able to provide a future for their offspring: “Yes, I have an apartment and a good salary, but the situation is unstable. I do not know what will happen tomorrow. Today I can give them everything, but what will happen in the future? Will I be able to provide children with a decent education and living conditions?” This situation is observed not only in Belarus, but also in Russia and other countries.

Interestingly, in 68% of cases in Belarus, it is women who file for divorce. This suggests that they have a general dissatisfaction.

- But our grandparents would not have allowed themselves such frequent divorces.

If compared with previous generations, then there, firstly, there was more stability. Stability then consisted of the following: a person clearly knew what his salary in the civil service would be, what career growth lay ahead. There was a common understanding of the responsibilities of women and men in the family. Moreover, divorce, especially with children, was considered immoral. Often, families stayed in relationships for only one reason: "But what will people say?" Chosen once and for life. The principle was: stay in the relationship and be patient. Maybe there were no relations as such, but people remained together simply on mutual tolerance. There is a logical explanation for this: after the war, it was important for people to hold on to each other, to maintain a patriarchal way of life, because it is safer that way.

Now in Belarus, the traditional idea of ​​what a man (earn, provide, be a leader) and a woman (raise children, cook, clean) should do in marriage. Old ideas remain, but the reality is different. For example, in a modern family, a woman can earn more - and then the husband, under the influence of stereotypes, begins to complex. Although the role of the earner has already become familiar, its legitimization in the mass consciousness is late.

On the other hand, today some ideas and values ​​about relationships have changed. It is socially acceptable to rent an apartment and live together before marriage. At the same time, in my practice, I encounter the fact that young people are not always ready to take on such responsibility. Many things end at the stage of finding an apartment. The man says: "I've never done this, I'm scared." If a person confesses his fears, then the partners are likely to be able to continue together. Because he has enough courage to talk about his experiences. Another thing is if the partner is so afraid of responsibility that he simply runs away. There have been many cases when my clients have already moved the furniture to a new apartment, they were going to move in with a man, and he just disappeared. In such cases, I always say: it’s good that you left now that you are “all right”. Because otherwise I would have quit in a crisis situation, for example, at the birth of a child, which would have been much more painful and difficult.

Should you rekindle relationships with your ex?

According to statistics, it happens that people converge and diverge two or three times, but still, in the end, they remain in a relationship. For example, they get married, get divorced, and then start living together again. True, the percentage of such couples is insignificant.

In this matter, it is important to distinguish between the need to break off relations and the need to move away, to be alone. Suppose there is some kind of difficulty that cannot be overcome. The man collects his things and leaves. It is important to understand here: what am I leaving? What pulls me out of this relationship? What does not suit? Impulsive withdrawal is not a real withdrawal, but an opportunity to move away and understand something. It is very important to give the other time to be alone sometimes. Perhaps someone in a couple does not have enough personal space. Maybe a temporary separation is a chance to think about the fact that you should not be together 24 hours a day, learn to relax from each other, go about your own business. A woman often sins with excessive obsession. She can constantly call, write, invite. And the man is still inclined to greater autonomy. For him - and this is absolutely for sure - it is important at some point to be alone. A woman needs to not only understand this, but also recognize and accept it. He, too, can have his own space, time for football and friends.

In a word, when a person impulsively slammed the door, but in fact did not want to go anywhere, but simply took a break, you need to give him this opportunity. And there is nothing wrong if, after a pause, the ex returns to you. Or you to him.

It's another matter if we're not talking about random impulse, not about an impulse, but about a real desire to break off relations, when it is easier to be apart than together. It's really better to leave here. Leave and don't come back. And it is very important to part correctly, qualitatively.

- And what is the right way to break up?

If we end a relationship abruptly and don't end it properly, then there's a good chance we'll repeat the same relationship scenario in the future. After all, people argue: he does not suit me, because, for example, he is weak, provides me poorly and shows little care. Or: she does not suit me, because she does not appreciate my merits and is unreasonably offended. That is, there is a tendency to blame the other for all the problems and leave. In order to break up correctly, it is important to understand what exactly you did or did not do in a relationship in order for them to suit you. It is necessary not to blame the other person, but to understand what was wrong. Why didn't it work out? What did I do to ensure that my partner met my needs? What did I do to ensure that he did not satisfy them?

If you have already decided to disperse, then let your partner know about it in a human way. By phone, via SMS, on the VKontakte social network, via mutual friend- is not best options. The other side at this moment feels abandoned: "He didn't even take the time to tell me this in person!" If you say goodbye, it is better in a personal meeting, eye to eye. In this conversation, you need to be very careful. Do not blame your partner, saying that you are this and that, but say with “I-messages” that it was difficult for you: “I choose to leave this relationship because ...”, “I was hurt in this relationship because of for the fact that ... "," I do not get in this relationship ... ". One more important point at parting - to apologize. Especially if you make the choice to end the relationship, and the other person is not ready for this. In this case, you cause him enough pain. And finally, the most important thing in this process is to say what was valuable in the relationship. That is, to thank the person for everything that happened. It is important not to devalue the time, attention, care and feelings that the other person gave you, but to treat it with gratitude: “I thank you for the time that we spent together, and I am sad that we were not destined to be together” . If you qualitatively express these emotions, then you will have neither a feeling of guilt towards your partner, nor a desire to return him later and say something. The stage of completion is coming. You release a person without reproaches and assaults. Wish it all good partner, happiness in his further path. And remember: he doesn't need it, you need it.

That is, an SMS like “Hello! Today exactly nine months have passed since we broke up. Let's meet, forgive each other and say goodbye like a human being ”- is this a sign of an incomplete relationship?

Certainly. This also includes viewing the pages of the former in social networks and other such things. The better you end the relationship, the less likely you are to encounter similar SMS.

When parting, I highly recommend not starting new novels right away. This is not the case when a wedge is knocked out with a wedge. It takes time to mourn and survive the loss - the so-called period of "internal separation". Immediately start a new relationship - this is another way not to complete the previous ones. If you do not understand what happened, do not think about what was wrong, what you lacked, perhaps what you stubbornly did not notice (or did not want to notice), then the probability of repeating the previous scenario is 99%. A person can have five marriages behind his back, but he will never find his satisfaction in a relationship. This suggests that he is living the illusion of finding himself an ideal partner who will behave "right", instead of asking himself the question "What am I doing wrong?".

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Photo: Benis Arapovic/Rusmediabank.ru

In response, I just shrugged my shoulders and, since such a fate had passed, out of habit I turned to a psychologist with questions: “Why are we monitoring the life of the former?” and “How can I stop doing this?”

1. Why do we monitor the life of the former?

Psychologists give a simple example: no one monitors the life of a person who is indifferent to you. Well, you must admit, you don’t sit on the page of Kolya Petrov’s former classmate and don’t watch with interest what kind of sides he has eaten off and where his hair has come out of his head. And all because, anyway. Not interested.

Sometimes, rummaging through the life of the former, as in a cesspool of painful memories, a woman herself cannot really understand why she is doing this. Because love is alive? Because hate is overwhelming? Because hate is love poisoned by resentment? Be that as it may, if you are still monitoring the life of an ex-man, it's time to admit that you are terribly lonely, even if your new husband is snoring in the next room.

Happy women rarely wander around, and absolutely, absolutely definitely do not monitor the life of a former man. Do they need it? And what kind of wife he has, by and large, it should not matter, it's his wife and his choice, and what kind of girlfriend he has, I don't care. If you hang on the page of the ex, then you are not happy and instead of discussing his wife's hanging cheeks, it's better to look at yourself. What's wrong with you? Why, with such pathological persistence, do you cling to the past and in no way, in no way, can break with it?

Psychologists know the answer, and this is not a simple, at first glance, question. It is very difficult to let go of the past, because not only bad memories are connected with the past, but also absolutely, unrealistically good ones. It is especially difficult to let go of the past if this man was once deeply loved. First look, first kiss, tender hugs. Every couple has had such moments when it seems that the heart will stop from happiness. When the earth left from under your feet, when your head was spinning from love. And it is these feelings that make us hold on tightly to the past, which no longer exists.

Monitor the life of the former, you seem to be walking on the edge of past love, clutching at the mirage of past relationships with your hands. Even the very real pain of his new photos hugging his new girlfriend brings perverse pleasure - you touched the past once again.

2. How to stop monitoring an ex-man?

But professionals, precisely because they are professionals, and not chicken psychologists, answered me briefly and clearly: if you want to stop a man, just do not go to his page on social networks.

And all? I was horrified that I would tell my friend, is it really that simple? It turns out that yes, that's right. It is impossible to help a person if he does not want to help himself. It is impossible to order a woman to no longer live in past relationships if she herself does not want to put an end to them.

Still, psychologists have given some good advice how to stop monitoring the life of the former easier and faster:
- delete all your pages on social networks, you can communicate with friends in other ways (ICQ and agents have not been canceled yet);
- when there is an acute desire to find out how "he" is doing, to remind himself that "his" affairs are now the headache of his wife or his girlfriend, and not yours;
- choose a moment (right now, for example) and tell yourself “Stop! For now, my ex Vasya, from now on our virtual worlds become parallel, ”and never, never, never be interested in his life again.

Psychologists are right, the past cannot be returned, no matter how much you want it.