My ex-wife doesn't talk to me. I don't want to talk to my husband, period. What to do. Fell in love with your husband's friend If you really like your husband's friend

A conference on family therapy recently addressed the issue of paradoxical family communication. The idea is that there are often situations in a family where a husband or wife does not see the opportunity or the need to say something directly, and this creates a whole bunch of misunderstandings, unjustified expectations and further resentment. A typical example is that, I think, familiar to many - The husband (boyfriend, child) does something that the wife is offended by. Perhaps he said something wrong, perhaps he forgot about his mother-in-law's birthday, perhaps he did not pay attention to the cleaning or hairstyle that was done just for him. There are many options, but the result is the same - the wife (beloved, girlfriend, etc.) is offended. And very often in case of resentment, to resolve this situation, women choose the option of removal - they do not express their accusations and dissatisfaction, they harbor resentment inside and emotionally distance themselves from their men (do not talk, answer in monosyllables and displeasedly, they can go to another room, and in the worst case, they go to sleep on another sofa). At the same time, all these actions of a woman have only one goal - for a man to approach her, talk, ask and listen to everything, and MOST IMPORTANTLY - reassure. That is, the wife is offended, she begins to worry about the future of relations with her husband, and needs what If he removed this anxiety - he explained that she understood everything wrong, or that this would not happen again, or that there were objective reasons for his act. But usually, a man does not understand what happened, what exactly he is to blame for. Moreover, a man usually does not even realize that he is to blame, and not the weather, work or women's days. Moreover, to the questions “What happened?”, He receives the answer “Nothing.”. "Everything is fine? - Good." (this is what paradoxical family communication is - family members insist that they feel good when they feel bad and they want everyone to understand HOW they feel bad and calm them down). The whole burst of conflict usually unfolds in bed before going to bed. The woman was exhausted all evening, her resentment grew and doubts about the correctness of the choice of a man, too. Since he turns out to be not only offending - he is also callous and cold. It is with these characteristics that a woman explains why a man does not go to put up with her. “He deliberately harasses me! He doesn't care about my feelings!" The woman expects that finally, before going to bed, they will talk to her, calm her down. She waits. A man feels the tension of his wife, and usually before going to bed he makes another attempt to find out what is wrong. However, the wife's resentment has already grown so much that it does not allow her to "give up" so quickly, she believes that "if she loves, she will make an effort to make peace." And if he tries only once, then he does it for appearances, but in fact he did not understand anything, and does not love her. Therefore, at the first attempt of a man to make peace, the wife replies “Leave me alone! Everything is fine! or - it's you tell me what happened. Nothing happened, ”Then, the man believes that since nothing happened, but there is tension, he offers to use a very effective way of relieving stress in his opinion - to make love. It is rare for a man to voice this, he begins to pester a woman, in order to help her, to calm her down with the means available to him, to show that he loves her. A woman lies offended by her husband, and then, after timid attempts to reconcile, they begin to pester her. And she draws her conclusion from this male behavior - he needs her only for bed. And he wanted to make peace only in order to drag her into bed. And not her feelings, he does not care about her offense. And she angrily rejects the man's proposals, angrily turns away, wrapped in a blanket. And he waits, waits, waits for a man to realize his guilt and begin to gently but persistently find out what the matter is, or roll in what he has done. After all, the wife loves her husband and believes in him. But, the husband, is even more confused, since all his proposals are rejected. And it is difficult for men to withstand strong and prolonged stress. Therefore, contrary to the expectations of the wife, they save their psyche by falling asleep. From such indifference, the wife either hits silent tears with her face to the wall, or goes to sleep on another sofa, and remembers all the grievances of your relationship. The husband falls asleep, confident that his wife will also sleep, rest, and everything will be fine. But the wife does not sleep, she gets upset, they blame both you and themselves, she cries or worries. She feels bad. And tomorrow she, and therefore you, will become even worse. Usually everything happens that way. I hope this article will help you understand why your wife suddenly stopped talking to you, and why your husband does not put up with you, but brazenly falls asleep. Of course, all situations are individual, but here are some tips on how to behave in them - For men - the best - the sooner you notice that your wife or girlfriend (or maybe daughter) is avoiding you, talking in monosyllables and clearly tense, then it will be most effective to go to her to figure out what happened. Gently, caringly, without giving up before the first "everything is fine." The more offended she is, the more she will resist your help, and the more she will need it and hope for it. And for women, it is best to tell men directly about what offended or offended you in their behavior. It is difficult for them to guess, and they are also bad at hints. Tell him what he did wrong, why you were expecting something else, and how it makes you feel. This will reduce the likelihood of a man repeating his “mistake” much more than your silence and distance from him.

Women, unfortunately, are not taught to communicate with men. It seems to be of no use. But it is misunderstanding in communication that can destroy a family.

Let's try to learn to live like this together.
The most important rules for communicating with your husband
1. When it's bad, don't cry. Better cry.
Shouting is a manifestation of aggression. It's a masculine energy, a masculine way of responding. Whereas tears are a feminine way of reacting. When a woman yells, she is unlikely to be heard. Most likely, she will awaken in a man only retaliatory aggression. And then the skirmish will continue with the transition to personalities.

There is absolutely nothing constructive in this. Whereas tears are a woman's ability to express her feelings. This is a way to let a man feel and show masculine power.

Now - surprisingly - there are so many women who do not know how to cry at all. The feminine principle is so crushed in them, which in no way under any circumstances can squeeze out a single tear from itself.

Learn to cry. Very often, at the moment when tears are ready to flow, we block them. And we release anger instead of tears. After all, we want to appear strong and self-sufficient. We are afraid to show our vulnerability and sensitivity, our weakness and gentleness. We are afraid that later they will take advantage of this and make it even more painful.

But only in this way can we really convey to a man that it hurts and is hard for us. Only in this way can we stop this unnecessary quarrel. Tears are a signal for a man that he has gone far. And this is a stop-cock for a quarrel locomotive rushing at full speed.

In addition, women's tears burn family karma. Therefore, it is even useful to cry when it is difficult.

2. When you cry, scold yourself.

Tears have a very strong effect on men. I would even say too strong to be abused. Abuse is when we cry and blame.

There is nothing harder for a man's heart than the tears of a beloved woman with accusations. He immediately begins to experience great guilt - even if outwardly it does not show it in any way.

And then - in order not to feel guilty - he can begin to make excuses, or scream, or simply leave.

But if a woman cries and blames herself for everything, then the most natural impulse of any knight is to save her. Take the blame. So you give him the opportunity to become a knight.

“I am such a fool, you try so hard, but everything is not enough for me,” you cry

“What are you, I’ll buy you a dress!” he reassures

Whereas if you cry like this: "You can't even buy me a dress!"

Most likely he will answer you:

“Forever you are not enough! I am not obliged to fulfill your whims!

Do not manipulate it, do not abuse this tool. Nobody likes to be used or manipulated. Let's take care of each other.

3. Daily foot massage

It is believed that such a ritual is the shortest way to a man's heart. A woman who kneads the feet of her beloved for at least five minutes every day after work can expect the fulfillment of all her desires.

Moreover, it is believed that in this case, all the energy of a man closes only on her. And this is the best prevention of change.

Foot massage also helps to level the hierarchy in the family - a man feel like a captain, and a woman - his assistant.

In addition, almost every man loves massage. So he can feel that he is loved. And when he is loved and needed, he immediately wants to do something for the one who loves.

Such a small ritual - and so much is hidden in it!

4. Agree with his opinion.

One of the most miraculous phrases: "Yes, dear." And the second - "As you say, my love."

The man is an opinion. He always has his own position, his own opinion on every issue. It is very important for him to see how a woman agrees with him. When you accept his opinion, for him it means that you accept him too.

It's not so difficult to listen to his idea and express admiration. It is not so difficult to ask his advice in a difficult situation. Even if you end up doing something different. Ask his advice and thank him for his wisdom.

In the most important areas, it is also worth doing as he says. If he considers it important to go to the New Year to his mother, he should agree.

Let him make decisions, and then responsibility will begin to sprout in him. Otherwise, how will it grow if his decisions are not taken into account, and he does not see the fruits of these decisions?

He wants to buy a new TV - agree. If this decision was strategically wrong, he himself will understand it. And winds on the mustache. This is called the natural consequence. The main thing here is not to draw your fat line: “Well, you see, I told you!”

In addition, this will strengthen the man in the role of head of the family. He will feel that you trust him. And he will be grateful that you respect his opinion. If you respect his opinion, then you respect him too.

5. Translate from male to female

You can make him apologize. By all rules. How women do it:

"Please forgive me. I did not mean to offend you. I'm sorry."

And you can understand that his “Well, why are you pouting?” - it is the same. Just said in other words.

So, for example, “I love you” from his mouth may sound like “Well, this ... you understand”

And admiration for your new image may turn out to be silent at all - you just need to see it in your eyes.

Not every man is capable of long and deep compliments. Unfortunately, they are not taught this and do not explain how important it is for a woman. Over time, you can gently teach him this. But first, learn how to translate from male to female.

To not feel unloved and unwanted. In order not to cut him on every occasion. In order not to demand from him what he does not yet know how to do.

6. Ask him directly

Men are not telepaths. And they don't know what ours is: "Would you like to eat?" actually means that we ourselves are hungry. After all, when a man is hungry, he will say directly.

We women love ornate forms of expression. For example:

“Oh, what a spring on the street. And the snow has melted, and the grass has already appeared. Even the kidneys are already swollen. Probably, the tulips are already in full bloom ... "

For a man, this is just a description of weather phenomena. Whereas the woman wanted to hint that she wanted a bouquet of tulips.

You can say directly: "I would really like tulips ..."

But for some reason it seems that he must guess himself. If he loves. And if he didn’t guess, then he doesn’t love.

Maybe you should just accept that it works differently? And he has no time and no reason to guess. But he will gladly respond to direct requests.

Instead of saying: "The dishes are a mountain, but I'm tired ..."

You can simply ask: “Please wash the dishes”

The result will be different. After all, the man is ready to help us. If we ask him to.

7. Open your heart

For a woman, intimacy is extremely important. And most often we feel this closeness during spiritual conversations. With friends for weaving mandalas. Or with mom while making dumplings. Or with a loved one while walking in the garden.

It is important to learn to be open and sincere with your man. In this way, we can be freed from all our worries, feel close and protected. And besides this - to give him a sense of his need and importance.

It is difficult for a man to understand a woman. He can guess puzzles and charades for a short time. And in a long-term relationship, he wants sincerity. Truthfulness. Sometimes we cheat on the little things. Sometimes we hide something and think it's not a hoax.

I remember one woman whose husband was avaricious. Moreover, this stinginess appeared from nowhere and grew every day. It was strange for me until I found out that she was hiding the cost of things from her husband.

Buying good jeans for her son, she told her husband that they were from second-hand. When buying shoes for their daughter, they deceived him, underestimating the price three times. Children were also involved in this deception.

So he became more and more miserly. And then he completely took away the family budget from her and gave out very little money for children. And at the same time, he wondered why now again it is impossible to buy jeans for a child for two hundred rubles, like last time.

Any deceit - even a minor one - erases trust. Even if a person does not know that this is a deception, his soul feels it.

According to the Vedic sources, it is one of the duties of a wife to open her heart to her husband. And only the man to whom the woman opens her heart is considered a husband. Who do you open your heart to?

8. About problems - no emotions, about emotions - no problems

Men often scold their wives for blowing their heads off. In fact, this is practically the case. It is difficult for a man to perceive both thoughts and feelings at the same time. He hears either one or the other.

“Our son got an F,” says the wife

“I’ll go and figure it out,” the husband replies.

“Yes, you do not understand! I'm worried about how he will finish school"

“Now I will figure it out, and he will finish it”

“Well, how can you not hear that this makes me feel bad!”

And he doesn't hear. He hears the problem. And goes to solve it. And then it turns out that you also need to sympathize.

To be heard and solve the problem - separate. Better yet, say:

"Now I want your sympathy" - and talk about experiences. No problem description.

“Now I need your help in solving the problem” - and further without emotions, only facts.

Learning to separate is difficult - we have it all so mixed up! But the result will please. And the problem will be solved, and sympathy will be received.

9. What you like, encourage immediately

I have seen situations many times that help to understand why men do not give women flowers.

So one day I saw a couple walking past a flower shop. He wanted to go in there and buy flowers for the sweetheart - to which the "dear" said in a bass voice: "What am I, haven't I seen these flowers?"

Or, for example, my friends. Her husband brought her an armful of red roses on March 8. And she met him with the phrase: “What, you have nowhere to put your money? You could buy something useful!”

Everything would be fine, but then women complain that in ten years of marriage, not a single bouquet. Of course, what kind of bouquets if no one needs them?

When a man gives flowers, he wants to see how happy you are. You rejoice, look for a vase, carefully trim the ends and proudly set them in the center of the house. He wants to see you brag about them to your girlfriends. He wants you to say to him every time you look at them: “They have been standing for so long. You must have chosen them with great love."

It's the same with gifts. Not always a man gives exactly what we would like. But he always puts his whole soul into it. May you not wear such colors. May you prefer white gold to yellow. May you like white roses, not red carnations. It does not matter. What matters is his act, the fact itself. He did it for you. Be grateful!

He wants to see joy, gratitude and delight. To bring you a bouquet or a gift next time - and again see this sparkle in your eyes.

So you will allow him to remain a romantic prince, to extend the candy-bouquet period of your relationship.

« Why" and "Why"- with these phrases quarrels begin. Do you really care why he washed your white shirt with his black socks? Is it really necessary to understand why he never cleans up after himself? These two words immediately set both of them in a warlike mood.

• "Could you…." When we say this, we think we are asking. A man hears everything directly. "Could you take the dog for a walk?" There are two options - I can or I can't. And why was the question? Does my wife doubt my abilities? Of course I can. But that doesn't mean I will.

"I told you!" - a phrase that completely kills masculinity and responsibility. Nothing to even comment on.

« I don't need you!" or “I will find myself a normal husband” - like any other insults, these phrases sink deep into a man's heart. And they kill love.

In theory, everything is simple. It remains only to start using it. First you will see what you did wrong. Then - you will notice that you are doing something wrong, you will not be able to stop. The next step is to change the behavior within the situation. Only then can you prevent it.

The path is long, difficult, but it certainly leads to happiness.

I wish every woman to learn to understand men. And learn how to behave in such a way that the relationship develops, strengthens and pleases.

Women are known to be much hotter than men. They quickly go to the conflict, but just as quickly retreat. On the other hand, the one who offended the fair sex at least once is forever blacklisted. If the husband did this, then he, albeit not for long, will nevertheless become her enemy. It's hard to forget grudges. For some reason, we most often offend our loved ones, we know all their pluses and minuses, as well as sore spots. I don't want to talk to my husband- this is the result of nervous tension and resentment. In order to become closer to each other again, it is worth stepping over pride and going for reconciliation.

Lyudmila, 43 years old: “I don’t want to communicate with my husband - somehow there is no trust and tenderness for him. We have been arguing a little lately, sometimes it comes to scandals. Perhaps the reason for this is his relationship with friends. I think he puts them first."

When problems make their own adjustments to plans, it is worth thinking about what these relationships mean, whether it is worth keeping them. Many simply write down everything positive and everything negative in two columns and count the positions. If there are more pluses, then the relationship is worth keeping. If the column with minuses is more impressive, then, most likely, the marriage will break up sooner or later. The thought “I don’t want to communicate with my husband” arises simply under the influence of emotions or after a deliberate weighing of all the details. life together. A woman can be offended by many things. The main thing is to correctly prioritize and understand that for the sake of a loved one it is worth doing serious things. If a woman is not right, sometimes you have to admit your guilt. A loving husband will understand everything and after the conversation everything will be the same as before. If the problem is in the systematic misbehavior of the second half, this advice will not work. A husband must, first of all, love and respect his wife, if he ever allows himself to humiliate or offend her, then such relationships have no future.

The ex-husband does not want to communicate - how to survive?

It is quite another matter if a woman does not want to communicate with her ex-husband. There are many reasons for divorce. However, only a few percent of couples divorce amicably and without any claims. The rest remain enemies forever. In this case, communication is pointless. The only reason for the meetings is the children. Another communication between two once such close people will not bring any pleasure. If a woman does not want to communicate with her ex-husband, this is very good. Do not stir up the past and torment yourself with memories. It is much better to start your life right away and pay attention to yourself, your development, children, travel, everything that will help you forget about the unhappy end of your marriage.

Elmara, 28 years old: “My husband and I just got divorced, but he no longer wants to communicate. It’s hard for me to go through this, because I can’t get him out of my head so immediately. And it’s a shame that he stopped everything so suddenly and easily. ”

The second option is if the ex-husband does not want to communicate. In this case, everything is much more complicated. It is difficult for a woman to part with the past. If a husband loses interest in his former family after a divorce, it is best to do this:

• calm down and finally convince yourself that everything is done for the better;
• do not throw tantrums, do not call and do not come to your ex-husband, demanding attention;
• take care of yourself and your appearance;
• find a new hobby or activity you enjoy;
• pay maximum attention to their children;
• reduce communication with the former to zero and find new friends of interest.

If ex-husband does not want to communicate - there really is no problem, you need to follow his example and not impose your communication. There are many other things in the world that are more interesting and useful than empty suffering for someone who has already remained in the past.

I love, I want, I like my husband's friend . He wants me. What to do?

I've been married for about five years now. We lived just fine, we did not know troubles. Pavel is a wonderful husband. And our children are very kind. We have two boys and two girls. Pavel has one friend, his name is also Pasha. I had heard about him for a long time, but somehow I never had to see him. And so, one wonderful day, my husband tells me that the same namesake, about whom he talked so much, will come to us for a few days. I was all impatient, I wanted to quickly look at that same, elusive friend of my Pavel. My husband always praised him very much. To such an extent that I did not believe that such men exist. Pasha's friend arrived early in the morning by train. He took a ticket in a compartment, as he does not like the reserved seat very much. He just loves comfort in everything. We, of course, provided everything to our dear guest in our apartment. He didn't seem to complain. And so I, like a little girl, fell in love with my husband's friend!

What a man it was! I almost went crazy when I saw him. And I am very sorry that my husband is completely different. This, of course, is a sin to say so, but at least honestly. My husband's friend is much prettier and more confident than my Pasha. At that moment, I regretted so much that they could not be exchanged for each other. And I, due to my weakness, slept with Pasha, my husband's friend. Yes, I did. And ... got pregnant from him. But I won't tell him about the pregnancy. I want my husband to think that this is his child. He dreamed so much about his son. And yes, I really wanted a baby. I love my baby so much, you can't even imagine how! My son was born, thank God, a healthy and cute baby. I know that I have sinned, so I often ask God for help. I hope he will forgive me.

The husband does not know about anything, and does not even guess. I think that he will not guess, and it will be completely inopportune. He loves his son Styopka very much, so I will not upset him. I am a big liar. But I'm lying for good. Pasha wonderful dad. With him, my son feels like a man, strong and smart. My friend Pasha, who became the father of my child, went somewhere far away on a very long business trip. I have feelings for him that cannot be compared with anything, I'm like a girl adolescence I'm crazy about him. I am very glad that the child is from him. These thoughts warm me in those moments when I feel hard. When Stepan grows up, I will definitely tell him who his real dad is. And now it's too early, he still won't understand. He is a baby at all, he is not up to adult problems now, he is only interested in toys so far. And sometimes, when my husband is not at home, I talk to my son, explain how and what happens in the lives of adults. And he only mumbles something in his own language at my words, he can even smile. It's good to be a little kid! They don't have any problems.

I often think about Pasha, sometimes I worry about him more than about my husband. I am doing wrong, of course, but I will not hide it from him all my life. I will not leave Pavel, but in my heart I dream of living with his namesake friend. More precisely, I already live, but only in dreams. Sometimes these dreams take me very far. And it's so hard to come back to reality.

To love and be silent is very difficult. I want to scream about my love. I would like to tell Pasha that this child is from him. Sometimes I even dream that he would steal my son and me, secretly take us away. I want a lot, but I don’t get anything, I live like this with hopes and dreams and see no way out. I should at least find out what is the matter with him, how he is, and whether he will suddenly stop by sometime in our city. At least I want to take a look at it. To see and understand why I fell in love with this person so much, why I cannot live a day without thinking about him.

But he is not announced. And I'm afraid to ask my husband. Suddenly he realizes. We hardly talk about Pasha with my husband. I don't even want to think what he might do if he finds out. For me now it is important that he does not suspect me, and we do not quarrel about this. I think that the son should not hear how we swear. It is even very good that my husband is called by the same name as the man he loves. And then suddenly the “wrong” name suddenly pops up. And it’s scary to even think about how it could all end, in the end. My husband is very jealous. He gets so much with his jealousy. I want to run away from his annoying jealousy. But there is nowhere to run, I sit and keep silent.

I think he will kill a friend if he finds out that he is the father of the child. I don't want this to happen. And I delay the moment of truth as long as possible. So far it works. I'm sitting at home, but my husband is still jealous. I don't really go anywhere! What's jealous?! More precisely, to whom? To passers-by on the street? Most funny. But sometimes, when it comes to absurdity, it becomes not funny anymore.

When I got married, I knew that Pasha was so jealous. But until I met his friend, he seemed to me the dream of my whole life. Even my father says that everything in life is known in comparison. And now I completely agree with him! I compared and realized that I don’t love my husband at all, but I love his friend.

A life! What is life? It's just a word, but it has so much meaning. And how little we can change something in it. And now is not the time to philosophize. And so I want to give out something unusual and smart. Learning to go to graduate school, or something ... For now, I'm just dreaming. Maybe, probably ... Around one skepticism. But now I have completely different concerns. And these worries take away all my free time. I don't even sleep much anymore. I didn’t get enough sleep at all, even those around me noticed that I had circles under my eyes that appeared from lack of sleep. Again the question arises: where will I get money for plastic surgery to become a beauty again? I need to ask Pasha if he can give me his savings.

I often surf the Internet, all the time looking for my son's dad, I think maybe I'll find it there. But can't find it. He probably doesn't want to be found. And I don't give up trying. For what? Yes, for the sake of Stepka, at least. Okay, I will not lie, of course, more for myself. I miss him so much. Only he occupies all my thoughts.

How tired of everything! I didn't take care of myself at all. As the mouse turned gray, it no longer looks like a woman. You need to start taking care of yourself! Why did I drop my hands? I already hate myself. And how can my husband still endure me? And after all, I never heard a bad word in my direction from him. I am surprised at him. So, now I'll take a cosmetic bag, I'll open it. Damn, I can’t find anything suitable in it, I close it, then open it again and so on in a circle. I'm starting to get nervous. I want to find my image, but it does not work. He got lost somewhere. And the mirror doesn't help me at all. Oh, how everything is running. I had to take care of myself constantly, and not just when I dressed up somewhere. It's strange that I didn't think of this before.

My husband recently bought me a whole mountain of all kinds of cosmetics. I was so happy with her that I decided to please Pasha too. Eyes fled from a variety of shadows and lipsticks. But I pulled myself together, then my eyes got used to this disgrace. And I began to direct the "marafet" on my face. When Pasha returned from work, he did not recognize me and was pleasantly shocked. He said that he was very proud that such a beauty lives with him. But you know, I myself understood this and believed it! If you believe, then everything will be so! I already knew that I was quite attractive. The figurine only fails a little, I recovered after giving birth. But this is also fixable. Soon I'll be a doll, you won't know.

I love one and live with another. I don't want to live in reality. I want to be in the clouds all the time. I have no choice but to come to terms with my present. Yes, and the son helps to unwind. It is a great joy for me that I have my beloved son. And he is glad that he has such a mother who loves him more than anything in the world. He still doesn’t understand a lot, but the time will come when he will find out the whole truth about mom and dad.

Question to the psychologist:

A couple of days ago my husband had a birthday. He has a small company, and we celebrated in the team. I don’t really understand all these alcoholic libations, I asked my husband to leave me at home, and go for a walk to the fullest, but he said, you are the boss’s wife - presence is mandatory. Among the guests was his friend, he is not an employee of her husband, he just stopped by to congratulate and stayed. In the middle of the evening, this friend told me to shut up ... Honestly, I don’t know why ... I wasn’t talking to him, and not even about him ... Everyone heard it ... I froze, I couldn’t say anything ... I feel terrible humiliation, and I’m also ashamed of myself, because I couldn’t stand up for myself, and ashamed of my husband, because he didn’t intercede ... In the morning I asked my husband why he didn’t react in any way to his friend’s act , the husband said that he had not heard anything like that ... Seriously?? He was sitting 20 centimeters from me, everyone heard, there was deathly silence at the table ... and he says - I didn’t hear ... He said that he would talk to his friend and explain to him that this was not possible with me, but he didn’t have time, minutes Fifteen years later, his friend called me and said that he was told about his yesterday's behavior, he himself does not remember anything, but he apologizes, like he is a drunken fool, what can you do, it happened and it happened, well, you're kind of sorry ... Then these two comrades they started talking as if nothing had happened, I understand that everything is cool with them, they both don’t remember anything, but I remember it, it hurts me, I can’t forget all this humiliation, I can’t forgive my husband that I felt at that moment very lonely and vulnerable... i just don't know what to do... don't know how to deal with negative emotions, I don’t know how to forgive my husband, I don’t know how to communicate with his friend now ... It seems that everything is normal, everyone apologized, but I can’t get away from these apologies, and I don’t know what to do, how to behave, what would be real forgive ... and whether it is necessary to forgive at all?

The psychologist Rodionova Daria Igorevna answers the question.

Hello Katherine.

Let's break down your situation into its constituent facts.

In the middle of an evening of drinking, your husband's friend, for reasons unknown to you, tells you to shut up. From this you feel a terrible humiliation. You are ashamed of yourself because you could not stand up for yourself. You are ashamed of your husband, because he did not intercede.

In the morning, you ask your husband why he did not react in any way to the act of a friend. The husband replies that he has not heard anything of the kind. This is incomprehensible to you, maybe he was sitting 20 centimeters away.

Now everything seems to be normal, everyone apologized, but you can’t get away from these apologies. And you don’t know how to deal with negative emotions, how to forgive (and whether to forgive) your husband, how to communicate with his friend.

Let's try to figure it out.

In no way do I condone drunken acts, but! For some unknown internal reason, the drunk friend told you to shut up (it sounds rude, yes. But nothing more). And whose problem is it? This is a problem and the "cockroaches" are not yours, his. But it was you who chose to overreact and take it as a humiliation.

I noticed that you did not write about whether you were supported, whether people at the table stood up for you. I can assume not. And here I have a question. Katerina, how do you do it yourself so that people think that you don’t care, that you are iron and do not need support, help, protection? You have expressed your feelings and experiences quite transparently in your letter. But do you do the same in life, in the moment of an unpleasant situation?

You write that you are ashamed of yourself because you could not stand up for yourself. Katerina, how often do you allow your boundaries to be violated and not react to what is unpleasant for you? What would your defense look like and what prevented you from doing so at that moment?

Of course, you expected protection from your husband. And in his inaction, you felt lonely and vulnerable. That is, your expectations were not justified. And it's annoying! But the reality is that not always the other can and wants to help us. But we ourselves can help ourselves with a much greater probability. Including

Awareness and appropriation of one's feelings/emotions;

Voicing one's feelings/emotions regarding behavior and marking the boundaries of what is unacceptable.

When you realize that you have YOU, then you free yourself from painful feelings of loneliness and vulnerability. And in fact - free yourself from emotional dependence from the behavior of any other person.

You ask how to deal with negative emotions, how to forgive your husband, how to communicate with his friend despite their apologies. See. When we hold a grudge, it gives us the feeling that now we can control those who are guilty before us. Punish him. And also receive "compensation" from him. It seems to me that it is important for you to get recognition of your emotions. So that those - the guilty ones - understand how hurt, sad, insulting you are. And share those feelings with you. If this is the case, then you can simply tell the "culprits" about your feelings. Get support, acceptance in response - and let go of resentment (and with it anger). Or not get it - and then live your powerlessness and independence.