Mistakes in educating teenagers. The upbringing of teenagers. Preparing your child
The contradictory behavior and attitude of a teenager towards parents becomes a challenge for many. During this period of growing up, parents make both good and bad decisions regarding the upbringing of their child. And it is important to understand that mistakes will be necessary - this is normal, they are not fatal and will not ruin your relationship with your child. They just create new situations that you have to deal with together. How to properly raise a child
1. You insist on being honest.
What does it look like You notice that the child has begun to hide from you, he has secrets: he tells some things to his friends, but does not allow you to do this. You feel that you are moving away, losing control and closeness to the child - and begin to insist that the teenager be more open, more trusting, consulting and discussing his affairs with you. You want to be the closest and most important person, a friend for your son or daughter.
At the same time, the situation and the whole life of a teenager have changed: in it, parents remain really important people, but at the same time there is a need to build close relationships with peers. It is important for a teenager to feel his independence, to rely on his own opinion.
Effects The more you pressure a teenager, insist on his frankness or persuade him to become your best friend, the more he begins to close from you and protect his personal space. He finds various ways to avoid frankness, keep his secrets and distance, sometimes deceiving. It starts to bother you even more - and from this the pressure only increases, which, in turn, leads to more severe opposition from the teenager. And so the circle closes.
Another possible variant development of events: in response to the closeness of a teenager, parents begin to behave symmetrically - they move away from resentment. A teenager, seeing the markedly cold attitude of his parents, feels unnecessary, unimportant to the family.
Our advice Create an atmosphere that will help the teenager make sure that his parents are there, ready to accept him when he is ready. Tell him that you do not insist on his openness, but that you are always there and will listen. But this is a two-way process: trust in parents requires great trust from parents as well.
2. You ignore the opinion of a teenager
What does it look like You often offer the child something, but as if you understand in advance what he wants: for example, soup, or a warm hat, or good advice. And when he refuses, just ignore his refusal. After all, you know better, and you are sure that if he tries the soup, he will definitely understand, change his mind and then say thanks again.
Effects The child behaves aggressively, may respond rudely. The parent is offended, there is a conflict. Or the child succumbs to persuasion and your perseverance and at some point loses the ability to make decisions on his own, expecting others to do it for him.
Our advice Support the initiative and independence of a teenager, pay attention to his desires, but do not try to predict them. Sometimes parents should step back and trust the opinion of a teenager: if he says that he does not want, then most likely he does not want to. It is important to give the child the opportunity to have his own experience: even if he refuses something obviously good or useful, let him discover it himself!
3. You violate personal space
What does it look like Out of a desire to protect the child from possible dangers, parents can begin to check his pockets, bag, correspondence. It may seem like it's the only one affordable way learn something about your child, especially in some exciting or risky situation.
Effects In doing so, you devalue the personal space of a teenager, and yet he is just beginning to try to deal with him. This greatly undermines his confidence in both his parents and himself.
Our advice Imagine the reverse situation: a teenager will secretly or openly invade the personal space or secrets of their parents. Of course it's annoying! Control, of course, is necessary, this is an important function of the parent, and the child will adopt those relationships that are accepted in the family.
It is good when such control becomes the result of an open and honest agreement between parents and the child.
4. You are not always consistent.
What does it look like It happens that, trying to achieve what they want (for the child to clean up or study harder), parents resort to unrealistic promises or threats. For example, you promise to pick up a teenager from the camp on demand if he does not like it there, or threaten to send him to a boarding school if you find that he has started smoking.
Effects Teenagers are very categorical about any promises, pleasant or not, and count on their fulfillment. In the case when they meet with broken promises, they gradually simply stop believing them. And then the parents become for the teenager people who say empty words that you should not listen to, trust disappears from the relationship, which makes it difficult to conclude any agreements with the teenager in the future.
Our advice It is important to refrain from clearly impracticable threats like "I'll kick you out of the house." This is not easy: usually we say such things, experiencing great anger and impotence. Unrealistic promises are usually made when it is important to get immediate consent from the child without regard to possible development event in the future. Think carefully about your promises to your teen and be prepared to keep them.
5. You are unpredictable in acts of kindness and anger.
What does it look like Sometimes our feelings show up late. We can tolerate unpleasant or annoying behavior for a long time. loved one out of a desire to be gentler with him. The irritation accumulated in this way can then manifest itself through a sharp and unexpected action for a teenager: tough words, strong punishment.
A similar story arises with the accumulation of feelings of guilt or embarrassment in front of your child. We all do things in one way or another that we later regret. Parents, on the other hand, are usually most sorry when they hurt or hurt their child. For example, staying at work for a long time or depriving a teenager of their attention for some other objective reason, parents accumulate an unexpressed feeling of guilt, which then necessarily finds a way out - in the form of gifts, indulgences, cancellation of punishments or cancellation of duties.
Effects Parents begin to seem unreliable and unpredictable to the child. As a result, the child develops a fear of unrealistic punishment, when minor mistakes are suddenly followed by harsh consequences or, conversely, a feeling of permissiveness.
Our advice The courage to admit one's guilt, the ability to sincerely ask for forgiveness are important - children learn this, first of all, in the family, from their parents. And such skills will be very useful in life!
6. Your requirements are vague
What does it look like Parents usually want the best for their children: that they study better, communicate better. Often this desire is dressed in not too clear language such as "behave yourself", "study better", "make real friends", "be a good man". It is important to understand: although at the level common sense adolescents can understand such a requirement, but at the level of their implementation it is very difficult for them to meet such requirements, since the criteria are rather vague.
Effects It becomes unclear to a teenager what they want from him, what he should strive for. This leads to a divergence of opinion between adolescents and parents: the former believe that they already meet the requirements in full, and the latter believe that there is always something to strive for. Conflicts on this ground can be long-term.
Our advice In order to conclude agreements with the child, it is important for parents to have a very precise, detailed idea of what they want, and learn how to speak about it just as precisely and in detail. For example, "behave yourself" can mean "clean your room this week", "don't bring your friends home unannounced", or "don't start smoking until you're eighteen". And "study better" - "finish this quarter with straight A", "try to finish this quarter without two" or "correct your math grade this week."
7. You hope for understanding and expect empathy
What does it look like You believe that a teenager “should understand everything himself,” so you don’t make rules. Yes, teenagers really understand many things well - but in their own way. Complexity arises at the moment when a divergence of points of view is revealed. A teenager's ideas can be very different from their parents', because they depend on his unique personal experience, age tasks and the social situation in which he is.
It is often also assumed that a teenager should empathize and sympathize with parents who encountered difficulties in raising him. But teenagers are usually not able to provide this kind of support, at this age they are not yet able to do this - and they do not need to. Sometimes, through a request for empathy, parents try to achieve what they want: for the child to study better, so as not to upset the parents.
Effects As a result, there is a lot of irritation towards each other, relationships become tense. Often a teenager is more outraged not by the expectations you have expressed, but by their form, the idea of obligation. And the child, who is entrusted with the difficult task of “understanding” the parent, begins to feel guilty and powerless, becomes closed, detached.
Our advice This complexity can be overcome through dialogue and clear agreements. Parents can rely a little less on unconditional understanding from the child and rely a little more on the honesty and openness of their desires in a relationship. It makes sense to speak out loud and discuss all thoughts, ideas, wishes to make sure that both the teenager and the parent understand them in the same way. For emotional support, it is better to turn to adults. Also, to get what you want from your child, be clear about the harm or consequences that have occurred as a result of the unwanted behavior. Instead of, “Your dirty shoes piss me off,” say, “There’s a puddle on your shoes, wipe it off.”
8. You invalidate a teenager's feelings.
What does it look like The child talks about something important to him, about his experiences, possibly related to relationships. Parents do not attach any importance to this and say that this problem is not worth attention, or dismiss the conversation, citing fatigue. You may also ignore your child's fears or concerns, or you may reject or ridicule them when they need support. Sometimes it happens that parents reduce the importance of a teenager's feelings, based on the desire to support him: teenage crush you may consider it frivolous and fleeting, but for a teenager this feeling is real and very strong.
Effects The child feels rejected and withdraws, closes even more. Or begins to protest against the parent and behave aggressively.
Our advice Teenagers are prone to dramatize everything, and sometimes parents need to reduce the intensity of passions. But it is important to do this with respect for the feelings that he is experiencing. Try to take experiences seriously, tell the child that he is understood and accepted, that his feelings are important, that you can look at this situation from the other side. This should be done delicately and unobtrusively. This increases trust and openness between you.
9. You live the life of a child
What does it look like Of course, the child always occupies the main place in the life of parents, but it happens that the life of mom and dad becomes completely focused on him, his problems, needs.
Effects The parent becomes so immersed in solving the child's problems that their own life begins to fade. The child, observing such a neglectful attitude of parents towards themselves, gradually loses his own interest in them. Such a situation is also dangerous due to gradual exhaustion: spending all the energy, without support and support from the outside, parents may find themselves without the strength that is necessary to build relationships with the child.
Our advice Be attentive to your own life. Connect with friends, find hobbies and other resources to rejuvenate and enjoy life. At the same time, the parent only becomes more attractive to the teenager: he begins to be a living person, with whom he wants to talk and be close.
10. You say: “We weren’t like that”
What does it look like It is difficult for you to accept the teenage crisis that has begun. Children demonstrate protest behavior, aggression, a desire to move away, and you cannot adapt to new circumstances, believe that this is normal and that something similar happened to you once too.
Effects It is difficult for you to accept your child, because you sincerely believe that he should develop in the same way as you developed, react to events in the same way.
Our advice It is important to be able to step back from your experience. The world has changed a lot, and the flow teen crisis also changed. Try to learn to perceive your child as a separate, independent person.
Adolescence is one of the most interesting and difficult in the development of personality. It is difficult both for the teenager himself and for his parents. Perhaps even more so for parents, since they have to not only accept the child's metamorphoses, but also help him overcome their negative influence, as well as rebuild the nature of relationships with the outside world.
The problem with parents is that they have forgotten that they too were once at that age and may have experienced similar problems and that they do not try to understand their grown-up child.
Transitional age
Adolescence is divided into three stages:
Early teenage years: from 10-11 to 14 years of age
Medium: 14 to 16-17 years old
Late: 16-17 years old to adulthood
Transitional age is the time of puberty with the final formation of secondary sexual characteristics. For different adolescents, this period may begin at different time. Girls transitional age usually comes a little earlier than in boys. Basically, the transitional age begins at 11-12-13 years. At this time, many girls begin menstruation, and boys ejaculate. The child has a sharp change in mood, irritability, anxiety, stubbornness, he wants to spend more time among his peers, there may be difficulties in learning, etc. Parents should definitely take into account these natural physical and psychological changes. Various conflict situations may be much more common than before and your child may experience them more than before. If parents begin to contribute to the emergence of a conflict, often reproach the child, show their displeasure, this will only aggravate the situation.
It is noted that the transitional age is more difficult in the only children in the family. This age period difficult for both parents and children, but no one can say for sure how difficult it will be for you specifically. If you do not show due patience, the child may develop a neurosis. As a rule, by the age of 15 the situation is getting better.
The difficult task of raising teenagers is to love and appreciate them, even as prickly as they are now.
Raising teenagers is perhaps the most difficult task that parents have to solve. Peculiarities adolescence: a growing desire for independence, a sense of adulthood, a desire for independence and self-expression, the advantage of the authority of peers over the authority of adults - make teenagers literally rebel against everything. Naturally, it is not easy for parents who until recently were the main ones in the lives of their children to accept such changes.
Difficulties in raising a teenager
From 11 to 18 years old, fly become boys and girls. in the physical and mental state Adolescents are undergoing changes that require great patience and understanding of others and loved ones.
A teenager is characterized by a critical perception of reality.
New idols appear in his life.
Teenagers often change their mood.
Financial requirements are rising.
Appears his own opinion in the assessment of the partner and in matters of choosing a profession.
In extreme cases, drug addiction, anorexia, or a tendency to criminal activity may occur.
Do all teenagers have problems in raising?
What difficulties a teenager will have during puberty depends on many factors: character, temperament, relationship with parents, etc. If from childhood the relationship between the child and parents was close and trusting, then it is easier for parents to maintain them even in a difficult adolescence. The more democratic the relationship of parents with their child, the more likely it is that he will not reject them and move away. Parents who try from childhood to inspire their child that they are perfect and worthy of imitation will most likely be ruthlessly overthrown from the pedestal they created themselves. The teenager begins to openly conflict with his mother or father, to discuss the style of their upbringing, often not avoiding harsh criticism. He has a sense of his own strength and significance.
How to solve problems of adolescence?
Parents need to be patient, loving and convince the teenager that he can always count on their help and support. You should not be offended by your child if he begins to trust a stranger more, tries to imitate him and follow his example. The fact is that the connection of a child with his father and mother from an emotional point of view is always much more complicated than relationships with other people. Of course, puberty is a temporary phenomenon, but this should be taken seriously and try to understand your child. Otherwise, the teenager will feel lonely and useless. The consequences of such experiences can lead to teen suicide. Therefore, if a child threatens suicide, in no case should one ignore such conversations, let alone laugh. You need to watch him carefully. Perhaps he is really disappointed in life and feels very unhappy. Since parents usually believe that their methods of raising a teenager are correct, the unexpected criticism of the child unsettles them. They think that their child is ungrateful and wrong. And yet, it is necessary to try to accept criticism in any form, without interrupting the conversation with an emotionally minded teenager. It is very important to be patient and try to calmly express your opinion, then the children may be able to understand their parents, their position and even agree with it.
Parents should not impose their opinions on children. Young people must make decisions and make their own choices, parents can only help them.
During puberty, a teenager may have serious problems, such as communication difficulties, alcohol abuse, drug abuse, etc. If parents feel that their children are in real danger and no amount of talking will help, they should contact an adolescent psychiatrist, psychologist or school psychologist.
Features of the development of adolescents
In the process of raising a teenager, many moments can alert parents - parents begin to worry. But there is no need to be afraid of ordinary things that are the normal development of a teenager (both physiological and mental):
Physiological development of a teenager
Puberty: in girls - the onset of menstruation, in boys - wet dreams.
Rapid growth and noticeable external changes: girls have female body shapes, boys have beard growth, voice mutation.
Mental development of a teenager
A state of anxiety and a thirst for new experiences.
Awareness of one's own importance and desire for self-affirmation.
Search for role models.
The emergence of new friends, a critical attitude towards adults.
Frequent mood swings.
Excessive sensitivity.
Dreaminess.
Desire to have a relationship with the opposite sex.
Excessive independence in decision-making.
How to raise a teenager
During adolescence, children progress a lot. There will certainly be many crises to go through, but eventually your child will become an independent, responsible, outgoing young adult.
So, we recommend that you remember the motto of many parents of teenagers: We get through this together, and we get out of this - together! This principle can be deciphered. Actually, this article is like a map by which you can navigate while raising a teenager.
Self-training
Don't let it go. Parents who know what to expect are much better at it. And the more you know, the easier it will be for you.
Here's what can really help:
Explore online resources and books about teenagers.
Think back to your own adolescence. Remember how you struggled with acne, communicated with peers, perceived your puberty.
Expect changes in your child's mood. Be prepared for possible conflicts, because the child is trying to become an adult.
Preparing your child
It is better to start talking about upcoming changes in advance. Say, talking about menstruation after it has already begun is not very relevant. Children are concerned about the differences between boys and girls, where they come from, and so on. Do not overload them with unnecessary information - only answer questions.
Well, what can I say - you know your child. When you notice that your child begins to joke about gender or when attention to secondary sexual characteristics increases. This is a good time to jump in with your own questions, such as:
Do you notice any changes in your body?
Do you have any strange feelings?
Does it sometimes seem like causeless sadness?
An annual visit to the doctor is also a good time to raise these questions. The doctor can tell your pre-teen child - and you - what to expect in the next few years. A visit to the doctor can serve as a starting point for a good discussion about maturation.
Keep in mind that the longer you wait to have this discussion, the more likely your child will form misconceptions or become embarrassed or frightened by physical and emotional changes.
Also, the earlier you open lines of communication, the better chance you have of keeping them open throughout adolescence. Give the child your children's books on puberty written for kids going through this. Share memories of your own youth. There is nothing better than knowing that Mom or Dad has been through this.
Try to help the child, but do it naturally.
How to talk to teenagers?
Of course, it is not easy to communicate with teenagers. But stepping back and just trying to communicate less, for fear of rudeness and distrust, is much worse. Talking is one of the methods when the process of education can take place unobtrusively, but effectively.
First of all, remember that in a conversation you should not touch (from the critical side) the appearance of the child: hair dyed for the tenth time, ripped jeans and other things that children of this age are extremely painful. This is their style, a means of self-expression, and nothing can be done about it yet. There are more important and interesting topics for conversations.
Do you want to talk? Cunning. Start a casual conversation, on the road, in the car while preparing dinner. This way you avoid the natural wariness that serious phrases like: “We need to have a serious talk” cause. Do not pressure the teenager, speak softly and kindly. If you really care about maintaining trust, don't lecture. It’s better to try together to discuss a topic that worries you in the future tense: “What if ...?” Education is not the issuance of ready-made options for behavior and response. Invite the child to think and find options for action in certain situations on their own, tell something from your personal experience.
Respect each other. But be firm on the points that you consider important, which relate to the health and safety of the child. Never try to prove something to a teenager if you see that he is angry, tired, or simply not ready to calmly discuss the problem. Give him a chance to cool down and come to his senses. Don't go to raised tones themselves. Demanding respect for yourself is fair if you yourself treat your teenager with respect and warmth.
What else should parents remember?
What matters is the amount of effort and time that parents spend on education. Extremes, as in any case, are unnecessary here. Situations when a child becomes the only meaning of life, or vice versa, are taken for his upbringing in the case serious problems, as a rule, do not contribute to the formation of a responsible harmonious personality.
Parents on whose shoulders the upbringing of adolescents lies, it is important to be adequate, flexible and able to accept and predict the development of events.
They must see and understand the peculiarities of adolescence in their child, feel the changes taking place in his soul.
At the same time, the upbringing of adolescents should be adjusted to his individual maturation, adapt to changes in the family and its environment. Parents must accept the existence of other points of view, perhaps different from their own.
And it is important to remember that labeling any children as “hooligan”, “bandit”, “lazy” does not have the expected beneficial effect, but has a completely opposite effect. Hooligan? Well, I'll be a bully!.. And gradually the child loses confidence in his own ability to correct and begins to confirm all the words said about him.
At first glance, it may seem that all the features of adolescence contribute to the estrangement of the child from the family, but this is only at first glance. Adolescents have a very strong need for emotional contact and trusting close communication with their parents. The emotional background of the family is very important. The atmosphere of love and mutual respect will help to survive many difficulties and depression. Do not hide your feelings, often tell your recently very young children, and now teenagers, how you love and appreciate them, even as prickly as they are. And they will definitely reciprocate.
Teen parenting
The age of 14 to 16 is considered to be the most difficult period in raising children, as this is the period of puberty, when hormonal, psychological, and social problems come together. Adolescence is a difficult period not only for parents, but also for teenagers themselves. The task of parents is to make it as easy as possible for the child to go through such a difficult, but necessary stage of growing up.
This must be done tactfully, respectfully, it is in adolescence that children begin to take drugs, leave home, join extremist groups, and fall into sects. Behind each such “outburst” is a child who was not understood at home among the closest people.
The first thing that parents need to pay attention to and take into account when dealing with teenagers is that hormonal changes produce most of the teenage problems. Rapid growth, changes in the body, almost obligatory dystonia lead to mood swings, fever, irritability, causeless tears, lethargy, increased appetite. These manifestations will go away by themselves, as soon as active growth ends, by the age of 18-19.
The second is psychological change. The child constantly rejects everything that parents offer him, and actively accepts everything that friends and musical idols offer him. Moreover, this applies to everything: from the choice of clothing style and musical preferences to the nature of food, slang, gait and life aspirations. Parents should take into account that if a teenager wants to go to the cinema or bowling, but his parents offered him such leisure, the teenager will refuse. Even if he really wants to, he dreamed of watching a movie, and then he would worry, cry, but he wouldn’t go.
This is necessary for the teenager himself: in order to become an adult, he must completely break away from his parents, so everything parental is taken with hostility. If you need to conduct an educational and moralizing conversation, then it is better to turn to your friends who have a child a little older (20-22 years old). Those few phrases that he will throw at the table at a party with a casual smile will be remembered by your teenager better than hours of boring parental lectures.
In the period of 14-16 years, teenagers try to protect their personal and inner life from outside interference as much as possible. Ideally, if the child has his own room, which you can decorate according to your taste and retire with a friend, and just lie down and listen to music. You can only enter a teenager's room after knocking, especially for mom in her son's room, and for dad in her daughter's room.
Never come with cleaning - let the teenager clean up in his "lair" himself: dust, vacuum, take things apart in the closet, etc. If the child is sure that in his absence no one touches things, does not shift, does not leaf through the diaries, both personal and educational, he will feel calmer at home, trust between parents and the child will increase.
If it is not possible to give a teenager a separate room, then you can buy him a small box or chest that will be locked with a key. It will be possible to store a personal diary, photographs, etc. in this chest.
At times, it seems to parents that adolescence will never end, in fact, it flies by as quickly as the entire childhood of a child.
A few years will pass and parents will see that their teenager has turned from an ugly duckling into a beautiful swan, which, spreading its wings, will leave its nest.
Good luck to you, dear dads and moms!
Raising a teenager is no easy task. If you have a child in adolescence and you are raising a teenager, then this article is dedicated to you.
Statistics say that 80% of teenagers will never tell their parents about the most intimate. For example, about first love or fear of death. Psychologists say that the point here is not the isolation of adolescents, but their parents, who themselves, without knowing it, fence themselves off from their children. Psychologists tell us how to make friends with your beloved teenager.
Parenting Mistake #1 or the Rule of Three K's
Listen to how you talk to your child. Often, in a conversation with a teenager, parents adhere to the rule of three "K" (that is, they criticize, command, stop the conversation). It is very difficult to communicate with such parents, especially in adolescence!
What means stop talk? Let's take an example: your son has problems with physical education. And he tells you that he doesn't want to go to her anymore. And you answer him: “I went to physical education and nothing terrible happened, and you will go!” This is called cupping, that is, a phrase that does not imply a continuation of the conversation. The child has nothing to answer to this, since you have finished the conversation.
Undoubtedly, it seems to you that against the background of your own adult problems, the child's problem does not exist at all, since in your opinion it is not a problem at all. But for a child, this is really a problem and he worries because of it! Perhaps the girl is embarrassed about her figure, and the boy sweats a lot and is afraid that someone will notice this during the exercises and be laughed at. Lots of options. But if you stop the conversation, you will never know the reason for this behavior of a teenager.
Criticism. This is what all teenagers hate, especially from their parents. In adolescence, it is very important to feel that your parents love and respect you as a person. If you constantly criticize your child, he will not believe in your love! It is a fact. And also a teenager will hold a grudge against you.
Team. What is there to say about teenagers! Even an adult does not like when someone commands him. And in adolescence, ignoring the opinion of the child can undermine his trust and respect for you. If you don't respect his opinion, why should he listen to yours? And at the same time, if you constantly command your child, he will not learn to make decisions on his own! Better to give good reasoned advice. If the child follows him - good. But if he chooses his own path - do not interfere with him, let him learn from his mistakes! And how do you know that his version is worse than yours? Adults make mistakes too.
As a result of constant command, it also happens: the child still makes his own decisions, but lies to his parents, dodges, hides the truth, because he knows that they do not approve of his choice. What kind of trust can we talk about?
Error correction
Many parents ask psychologists on the forums: “Do I really have to go on about my child? He won't put me down at all! Is it right?”
No, of course you don't have to agree on everything. Just learn to listen to your child, even if it seems to you that he is talking complete nonsense. Believe me, the child really appreciates when they listen to him, listen carefully and with understanding. It often happens that just after listening to the child to the end and nodding understandingly, there is no need to return to the problem, the child himself forgets about it. He just starts to feel understood and loved - and that's enough.
But you also need to be able to listen. To do this, learn empathic listening. Empathic listening is listening in order to understand the interlocutor to the core, imagine that he is you, and try to feel what he feels. People who have this quality have a lot of friends. And if you apply this to children - you will be your child's best friend! Isn't this happiness?
Many parents find it difficult to give up the role of educator of their child and try on the role of a friend. Try it and you won't regret it! Believe me, you will not lose respect, but increase it many times over.
Empathic listeners:
don't hesitate to give advice
do not evaluate the actions of the speaker
do not read morality
do not say what they would have done in his place
Let's return to the topic of physical education. Your child says he doesn't want to take physical education anymore. Instead of moralizing and examples from your sports life, just ask why he doesn't want to. And when the child begins to talk, listen carefully, to the end, without being distracted by extraneous matters. Advice should only be given if you are fully supportive of the child. If you do not agree with the position of the child, give up examples from your life. After you know the reason for this attitude to physical education lessons, hug the child and say: “I love you, we will solve all problems together. You can always count on me." After such a conversation, the problem will be solved very quickly.
Parental mistake number 2 or Parental resentment against a child
“How can he talk to me like that??? I’m everything for him, and he… I watered him, raised him, fed him, treated him, taught him…”
Such words can often be heard from the lips of parents. Many mothers feel that they have spent their best years for the upbringing of children, but brought up egoists. This is called adult resentment. It is generally pointless to take offense at a teenager for an adult smart person. Indeed, in adolescence, there are so many changes in the body of the child that he hardly gets used to all this.
For example, starting from the age of 11, a high subcortical activity is observed in the child's body, which leads to increased excitability, hyperactivity and mental instability. At this age, the child does not yet know how to control himself.
Fixing bugs
Learn to be reasonable when arguing with your teenager. If you show yourself as a balanced person and always keep yourself in control, the child, having passed adolescence, will definitely take an example from you. Do not think that you are allowed to scream as a parent. This is fundamentally wrong logic. Your job is to help your child learn to deal with their emotions.
Here is the action plan:
Step 1. Wait until the child expresses everything and calms down. Let him express his emotions to the maximum.
Step 2. When you see that your child has exhausted his emotions, calmly ask what exactly the child is not happy with, what ways of solving the problem he sees himself. Say that his version should suit both of you, that you are adults and should take into account each other's opinion.
Step 3: Listen to the child without interrupting. If his version does not suit you, explain why it does not suit you. Don't be too strict. Speak in a calm tone until you come to an option that suits both of you.
Only in this way and in no other way will you teach a teenager already in adulthood to be able to adequately defend their rights and argue.
If your child has said a lot of hurtful words to you, learn to let go of resentment. There are many ways to do this: beat a pillow, go in for sports, go to the pool, watch your favorite movie, talk to a friend, or go to a psychologist. And do not forget that your child, no matter how “prickly” on the outside he may be, he loves you. And you, the parents, will teach him to express his love over time!
To earn the trust of your child, you need to spend a lot of your mental strength. But know it's worth it. As soon as between you are established for real trusting relationship, you will go beyond parent-child. Your child will become your friend, and in a difficult situation he will turn to you, and if you have difficulties, he will be able to provide support!
The phrase "adolescence" has a frightening effect on parents. All mothers and fathers, with rare exceptions, understand that this period, which experts assess as a difficult stage with a fateful decision, is not the easiest in a child's life. A teenager is in conflict not only with others, but, first of all, with himself. Thus, falling in love is regarded as a feeling of the highest order, parental care is regarded as a rigid dictatorship.
Making mistakes, trying to independently take steps in "adult" life, the child says goodbye to childhood. However, the reality is that the immaturity of social adaptation again returns him to the children's world. And all because making decisions is freedom, and being responsible for them is an unbearable burden that a teenage maximalist is not ready to accept.
Features of adolescence
The long-awaited moment when a teenager enters adult life precedes an ambiguous period of personality formation. The duration of this stage of development is approximately 7 years. The age of eleven is the beginning of a sharp change in the mental component of a teenager, the intensive formation of the physical parameters of the body. A significant jump in growth is comparable to the lightning-fast development of the fetus from conception to 2 years.
The angular figure of a teenager, due to a certain awkwardness, lack of clear proportions, is an indicator rapid growth skeleton, behind which muscle tissue does not have time to develop. A significant increase in the volume of the heart muscle, lungs allows breathing to be deep and fulfill the main task: to provide oxygen to a growing, young organism. The general condition of a teenager is subject to pressure fluctuations, which provokes a headache.
Adjusting at the level of hormones, the body young man on the way to puberty. An increase in the number of estrogen in girls, the amount of testosterone in boys is the norm during the period of growing up.
Androgens, the level of which is also growing, contribute to the formation of secondary sexual characteristics. What are all these changes leading to?
From a medical point of view, these processes give rise to a completely justified and understandable change in mood, make the emotional background unstable, cause an increase in excitability, sometimes accompanied by an extreme degree of impulsivity.
Adolescence can also result in depressive states, namely: actions of an aggressive nature, a sense of anxiety, and behavioral problems.
Adolescents prioritize relationships with peers. Trying on completely different social roles, a child at this age is in an active search for his own awareness. The worldview formed by the society, an irresistible desire to understand oneself - all this causes contradictions, a problematic perception of situations.
Early adolescence: 10-11 to 14 years of age
Experts regard this period as an intermediate component between the last days of childhood and the upcoming adulthood. The irresistible desire to become a part of the world of "fathers" is so strong that the central part in life begins to be occupied by society, namely: peers.
At the level of physiology, everything is quite clear. The cerebral cortex can no longer control subcortical processes, control is weakening and the teenager is simply not able to respond to emotions. All reactions proceed quite slowly, hence the misunderstanding between adults and children, because there is no longer instant obedience, unquestioning submission, and the answer to the question does not immediately follow.
Changes in the psychological component occur in interaction with memory, which is weakening at this stage, and thinking. Sensitivity to the opinion of the surrounding people about the teenager increases, which leads to an extreme degree of resentment. Some guys are ready to keep silent, hiding their feelings, others are rebellious, demonstrating the rejection of all norms.
Middle adolescence: 14 to 16-17 years old
14 years is the time of gradation of moral attitudes along with social ones. Doubting, acting in the likeness of the elders, the teenager is absolutely not sure to the end, therefore, at the slightest request to explain his motives, he shows rudeness, accompanied by irritability, stubbornness, resulting in disobedience.
Feeling the world through the perception of oneself sometimes leads to extremes. Excessive solitude, constant loneliness is a signal for parents. This does not mean that thinking in silence is dangerous for life, but the systematic nature of this should alert.
Sometimes some teenagers, under the pressure of social circumstances, do not show the desired emotions, others emotionally, falling into extremes. For example, often a child accuses adults of lying, inability to restrain these words.
The rejection of the opinion of "fathers" by adolescents saddens adults. It happens that violent irritability is associated with an imposed opinion about following in the footsteps of parents. Tactics on the part of adults are losing, because they give rise to a protest that can end in a scandal, and sometimes even leaving the walls of the house.
Late adolescence: 16-17 years to adulthood
The behavior of adolescents at the stage of 16 years is subject to their self-regulation. Values gradually begin to be arranged in a hierarchical order. The motives that encourage reflection and reflection form a partial understanding of the existing legislation in the world of adults, which will have to be adopted.
17 years is the age of choice, which is not easy for a teenager to make. Fear of making a mistake, not coping with the tasks set leads to passivity in actions, evasion. The turning point comes at the end of schooling. Society puts pressure on professional self-determination, and the teenager is confused.
The tendency to dwell on long thoughts, youthful fear of failure - all these are features of a teenager at 17 years old. Excessive guardianship of parents, tireless vigilance for the life of a child, dictate can give rise to a doubting child insecurity, which gradually develops into constraint.
What are the difficulties in education?
Difficulties in organizing the educational process in relation to children are overcome by adults: moms and dads. When making demands, a parent can get into trouble if he himself does not correspond to the settings that he sets for his children. Adults, who are an example that does not differ in words and deeds, cope with the educational task more easily.
Care for their own children not shown at the proper level by parents in the first years of life, when maternal affection and paternal support is so necessary, causes difficulties in education.
The dominance of a career in the hierarchy of parents' values distorts the adolescent's idea of the family, which is why family ties weaken, and children move away.
Guardianship on the verge of parental insanity has a suffocating effect on a teenager. If care was manifested in childhood, then these are emotions familiar to children. In the case when parents over the years have come to the realization of insolvency as moms and dads, then, having realized zealously, you can come across a protest.
Common mistakes parents make when raising teenage sons
For some reason, it is customary in society to consider that educational position in relation to young men to be correct, when only a harsh drill is able to form a real man in every sense. And the experience received by fathers from their parents, when such a dictatorship left in their memories only a broken and crippled youth, is not taken into account.
Of course, masculinity is instilled from childhood. That's just depriving the boy of manifestations of affection, feelings parental love, attention to his world, you can bring up a cruel and insensitive man. It also happens that the obsessive desire of adults to raise a young man according to their own model dominates, the features of an individual character are not taken into account.
The exclamation is dangerous: “You are the future man!” The child undergoes changes in the psyche as he grows up, so masculinity is formed gradually, and the manifestation of certain “weaknesses” is acceptable for everyone. If an adult is inconsistent in the educational process: he indulges or falls into ardent punishment, then wait positive result won't have to.
Quarrels between father and mother, in front of a growing son, will eventually become the cause of cruelty against women. The same indicator lies in the inconsistency of the actions of mom and dad in raising their son.
Comparison with peers, an emphasis on unacceptable behavior, and the imposition of negative attitudes are detrimental to the formation of a young man. Abusing the intellectual development of a young man to the detriment of the physical is unacceptable.
Common mistakes parents make when raising teenage daughters
The mistakes of parents are also obvious in the organization of the educational process in relation to their daughters. Installations are erroneous when strictness is the best lever of influence on a nimble teenager. The so-called mittens, "hedgehogs", will never have an effect if the girl does not receive a greater degree of well-deserved tenderness, paternal care, maternal care.
The other side of the coin is manifested in upbringing, when the daughter is lifted up by her parents on a pedestal. By turning the life of a child into a fairy tale by overprotection, a mistake is made that can cost the daughter dearly in the future. Permissiveness in the conditions of such upbringing distorts the perception of the world, forms the feeling that everything is created only for the child, and if desired, everything can be easily obtained.
The position when the daughter is a friend, an ally is flawed, and, first of all, for the most maturing girl. Maternal willfulness in discussing any issues, including intimate ones, will break the fragile child's psyche. Excessive secret criticism of the behavior of the father can also serve as an obstacle in relations with men in the future.
Some parents resist the birth of a daughter, not accepting the gift of fate. Therefore, they take on the responsibility of raising a masculine offspring from their daughter, in whom they secretly want to see a son. Despite resistance, they take all efforts in this blasphemous act of education.
Parents often believe that when a child is small, he needs reverent care, maximum attention. And indeed it is. That's just a teenager during puberty resembles a baby who is helpless and lonely. Just as it does not seem sensible to leave a baby unattended, it is impossible to leave a growing child on a long path of becoming.
Dialogue is the best verbal interaction with a teenager, since neither democracy nor dictate can fully satisfy the need for communication between close people. Knowing the child's social circle, the problems occupying his head, the parent shows his participation in the life of his beloved child. Caution in assessing the external appearance of the child, his interests will earn respect from the teenager.
The period of transition from childhood to the adult world is marked by a heart-wrenching feeling of loneliness. It is at this stage that a teenager needs to communicate, namely: to speak out and be heard. However, you should not encourage the wrong behavior of the child. To do this, again, it is worth resorting to dialogue.
An example set by the parent himself, when the use of swear words, condemning speeches, accusatory facts about other people is not welcomed and promoted in the family is the most the best remedy in raising a worthy person.
