"Bear me back!" Why not live for the sake of children. Hostages of parental love, or why it is impossible to live for the sake of children? Live but not for the sake of children

She married early, barely graduating from college. She gave birth to one child, and a year later another. There was simply no time left for a career, own hobbies and hobbies. All the time in cooking, washing, cleaning ... And not to say that she did not like it or that the family was unhappy, no. The sons grew up healthy and joyful, because their mother took care of them. They became the meaning of life for her.

That's just the moment when the children grew up. One left to study in another country, and the other decided to build his own family and moved to live with a girl in a separate apartment. And at that very moment, her life collapsed. After all, she had nothing left. Bottom line: she is lonely, broken and her life has become empty, and in the heart of the children there is a constant feeling of guilt for her loneliness.

A little different story. She became pregnant by a man who did not need them and decided to raise this child for herself. The boy was always surrounded by care and love. Mom herself dragged everything on herself, trying to provide her son with a wonderful life, forgetting about herself, about her personal life and dreams.

She succeeded, he grew up a successful boy, only with a sense of indebtedness. Bottom line: He's 50, single, no kids, still living with his mom trying to pay off his debt. It just won't work.

And one more. Her life did not work out very well: her career did not go uphill (although she did not particularly strive), the prince did not meet, and the children, accordingly, did not appear. And the number in the passport was already approaching 40. So she decided to have a baby so that she would have at least something in her life. With the hands of her child, she wanted to realize all the plans that she herself could not bring to life.

She so wanted to become a pianist, but her own mother forbade her to do so. Here she is with early years took the child to a music school and waited for him to get her an asterisk from the sky. But the child did not like the piano, he hated it with all his heart.

But she couldn't argue with her mother. After all, “mother put her whole life on you” and this was the reason for everything. As a result, the child never got the “star from the sky”, but rather, on the contrary, became an infantile adult without any ambitions. But he can play the piano.

How many such stories? How many times have parents sacrificed their lives for the sake of their children, for their bright future, and only made things worse for themselves and their children? You can't even count them, there are millions of them. And all because of the fact that parents make children - the meaning of life. This is just completely wrong...

Problems of parents and children

Indian wisdom says: "A child is a guest in your house". This must be remembered by every parent at all times. A child is not your property, he is a person who has his own life, his own hobbies, goals, dreams. The duty of the parents is to provide him with a happy childhood, to give him the essentials, and to let him go when the time is right. Child in the life of parents- not the center of the universe.

That's just to provide - it means to give what you can, and not to sacrifice everything, if only the child gets all the best. These sacrifices are not needed, the children do not need them. And if you do this, then the children should not even guess about it. After all, reproaching them for what you gave them, you nurture in them a sense of guilt, a sense of duty that they need to return.

That's just Do children owe parents? In my humble opinion, no, they shouldn't. We ourselves decide to have children. But why are we doing this? For them to implement what we failed to do? To take care of us in old age? Agree, it's pretty selfish. It seems to me that, first of all, all this is done in order to give new life this world to experience the happiness of motherhood or fatherhood.

Pope Francis once said: “The parents of Jesus went to the temple to confirm that their son belongs to God and that they are only protectors of His life, not owners. It makes us think: all parents are protectors of children's lives, not owners."

And on the other side of all this is your life. Becoming a parent does not stop you from being a person. Your interests, your personal life and your dreams are no less important than caring for a child. Never forget about it.

You should not live only for the sake of children, you should not make them the meaning of life. Find the meaning of life in another. Love your soul mate, the children will leave, but you will stay together. It is not worth neglecting the family and the relationship between you and your chosen one.

Love yourself. When you were a child, what did you dream about? Now, remember this. Make your dreams come true, try to find what you like. After all, how else can you teach a child to love himself and achieve goals?

Please don't live for the kids. Of course, this is your choice, your business and no one has the right to tell you what is right. But think about it ... Now, when I see these children, to whom their parents gave everything and even more, it hurts me to look into their eyes. Guilt of those who cannot repay this irredeemable debt to their parents. The broken heart of those who decided to build their lives, but still cannot forgive themselves for leaving their parents.

And this should not be, children should not feel guilty for deciding to build their own life. After all, how else can they find their happiness? Nobody says that you should not love your children - love them with all your heart, give them happiness and joy, just remember that guardianship can be excessive. And also that children will grow up sooner or later and they will have to be released from this care.

As Cooper, the hero of my favorite sci-fi movie, said: "Parents become ghosts of their children's future". And I think every parent needs to think carefully about these words. What kind of ghost do you want to become for your children: a heavy burden or a bright memory?

For some women, it is the birth of a baby that turns their minds 180 degrees, turning them into crazy mothers, ready to discuss for hours which diapers are better, and almost throwing themselves into a fight for the benefit of breastfeeding.

So what can all-consuming love for your own child lead to?

Option one. The collapse of relations

It happens that with the advent of the long-awaited baby, a young father is out of work. He understands that with the advent of the child, the family's lifestyle must change. But still, the head of the family cannot come to terms with the fact that the wife devotes most of her time not to him, as before, but to the baby.

At home, a delicious dinner disappeared, the wife became irritable, nervous, can not talk about anything except the daily routine of the newborn. The wife reacts violently to any attempt to change the subject, loudly proving that now she is the Mother and the whole life (or rather, the life of the whole family) will be built in a way that is convenient for the offspring. Psychologists claim that in such a story, grandmothers add fuel to the fire, ready to rush at the first call, help a young mother bathe a baby, walk with him, put him to bed.

As a rule, there is only one outcome in such a situation: the young father tries to be at home as little as possible, realizing that he is superfluous at this “celebration of a new life”. In the service, more and more often there are lengthy meetings after the end of the working day, on weekends friends are invited to go fishing or hunting, after which a sauna and billiards are a mandatory program.

What happens next could easily be the subject of an ordinary melodrama. When mom emerges from under a mountain of diapers and pacifiers, she will notice that once her beloved husband has ceased to show any interest in the family and avoids home in every possible way. The appearance of some kind of affair on the side of the husband in this case is quite a common thing. Exhausted by an unsettled life, a man will be happy to get into an atmosphere where there are no undershirts, where he is the most beloved, the best, and only he gets all the attention.

Option two. without grandchildren

Usually the only child in the family receives maximum attention: best toys, excellent education, attention of all immediate family members and unconditional love parents. It would seem that an absolutely happy person should grow up.

However, practice shows that in such families grandchildren appear very late, or even do not appear at all. Absolute love also implies total control, which over the years begins to spread to the personal life of the child. The phrase from the joke: “Mom didn’t grow a berry for such a bum” ceases to be funny when each of the contenders for the hand and heart of his beloved daughter is examined under a microscope at the family council.

Needless to say, over the years, there are fewer and fewer people who want to get “turned out of the gate”? The marriageable girl turns into a free application for aging parents and takes on the role of a nurse and carer, completely leaving the thought of having her own family. Over the years spent under the parental wing, she never learned independence, therefore she is completely unable to live her own life. A definite addition to this story, according to psychologists, is the feeling of guilt that parents spent on it. best years own life. And the daughter will do her best to repay this debt, completely forgetting about her own interests.

Most often this happens with children who were born "for themselves." This is a common phrase when a woman over 30, not being married, decides to give birth to a baby in order to fulfill her maternal duty. And he does it with such zeal that the consequences will not be long in coming. What in the future is likely to await such a child, read above.

Option three. The collapse of the family

Family psychology knows such cases when, due to excessive love for children, marriages collapse two decades after the wedding. How does it work? Imagine that a completely prosperous couple has a child, then another. It turns out an exemplary family, an ideal unit of society. Husband and wife begin to address each other exclusively as "mom" and "dad", emphasizing the priorities of family values.

Everything in this family is done for the sake of the children. Parents give up extreme hobbies - for example, hiking and motocross, because it is not interesting and unsafe for children. All weekends and holidays are held exclusively in children's cinemas, at exhibitions and walks with children and households. Every evening, mom and dad check the lessons (all ten years of schooling, every day!), Plan a vacation in those places where it would be interesting for their son and daughter.

As a result, when children grow up, get married, get married and no longer live with their parents, they simply get divorced. Because they understand: there is no family left, the two of them simply have nothing to do, there are no common interests, and there are many more years of joyless coexistence ahead, sometimes against the backdrop of a midlife crisis. Some couples solve this issue radically - they put a divorce stamp in their passports.

"Your Life Goes On"

Psychologist, psychotherapist Ekaterina Bolonicheva:

"Most the right way spoil the life of a child - devote yourself to him completely. This is the surest way to ruin your life. So that neither one nor the other happens, it is worth remembering that with the advent of the baby, your own life does not stop. When your child comes to school, he will compare you with other parents: who looks better from mothers, who works with whom, etc. This, of course, does not mean that you have to go out of your way to make a million! But for sure, this is an incentive to continue to develop and be realized not only as a mother, but also in other areas of life.

Often, it was mothers on maternity leave who opened their own business and subsequently became successful business women.

To see a perspective that can inspire you, ask yourself a few questions:

1. What do I have and want to continue to have?
2. What do I have and don't want to have anymore?
3. What do I not have but would like to have?
4. What do I not have and would never like to have?

It is worth answering questions in writing, and always “by hand”, since our body is our unconsciously in a physical shell. We must use its capabilities and tips. Write everything that is dear or not very dear to you. It can be quite specific material things, people, emotions, relationships, abilities, skills.

Everything you write in the answer to the first question is your current value system. The answer to the second question is a zone of problems, something that prevents you from seeing opportunities.

But the answer to the third question - this is the zone of your proximal development. fantasize here, focusing on the sensations of the body. If you feel pleasant somewhere in the chest area, then what you write is not empty fantasies, but things that inspire you.

When answering the third question, when dreaming, be sure to raise your eyes up. So your dreams will be more sincere. The fourth question is the area of ​​hidden fears. They can become a serious obstacle to finding a happy and prosperous life. Then choose three to five main points from the third question and think about why you need it. How can this be achieved, what resources are needed? So you structure thoughts for yourself, explain to your unconscious what you want, and outline a plan of action.

What can make a child happier?

• If he is born in a complete family, where the parents really love each other and the family was created as a union of two, and not just for the sake of having children;
• if parents understand that total control over their son or daughter gives them peace of mind in the present, but lack of initiative and infantilism of the offspring in the future;
• if the baby sees how happy the parents are for each other, how they love each other and how they strive to be together;
• if dad and mom have other interests and hobbies, except for raising children and serving an eight-hour "duty" at an unloved job;
• if parents do not adapt to the daily routine and lifestyle of the child, but reasonably combine their own and his interests.

Personal experience

10 years of happy motherhood personal experience(Supplemented by the theories of Dr. Komarovsky, psychologist Markina, and others), I formed three basic rules that my husband and I follow in raising children and that our friends follow.

Rule one.

They do not prevent us from living, we do not prevent them from growing. In other words, everything is possible that does not harm health and is safe for life. A child learns the world, and constant twitching with the wording “I love you and know exactly how to make a person out of you” can negatively set him up in relation to his parents.

Rule two.

Of course, they will grow up, but we will grow old. From childhood, our children go on hikes, go on trips with us, sometimes break their daily routine, if it’s convenient for us. They are more aligned with our interests than we are with them.

Rule three.

All the best - for adults, all superfluous - for children. Being spoiled has never been good. We are accustomed to treating children as adults, and they grow up faster and smarter.

Every parent knows that for the full development and psychological health of the child, first of all, a favorable environment is needed in full and friendly family. The baby must be raised by mom and dad.

But it happens that the fire of love between parents is extinguished by a sudden wind of change, and life together becomes a burden for both. In such a situation, it is the child who suffers the most. How to be? Step on your throat and save the relationship, continuing to sharpen your teeth on your unloved husband? Is it worth it to live with a husband for the sake of a child? Or get a divorce and not torment each other?

Reasons why women keep the family for the sake of the child

• common property(apartment, car, etc.). Feelings faded, there was almost nothing left in common. In addition to the child and property. And there is absolutely no desire to share a summer house or an apartment. The material prevails over the feelings, interests of the child and common sense.
• Nowhere to go This reason becomes the main one in many cases. I don't have my own home, and there's nothing to rent. So we have to put up with the situation, continuing to quietly hate each other.
• Money. The loss of a source of money for some women is tantamount to death. Someone cannot work (there is no one to leave the child), someone does not want to (having become accustomed to a well-fed quiet life), it is not possible for someone to find a job. And the child needs to be fed and clothed.
• Fear of loneliness. The stereotype - no one needs a divorced woman with a "tail" - is firmly planted in many women's heads. Often in a divorce, you can lose friends in addition to the second half.
• Reluctance to raise a child incomplete family. “At least what, but the father”, “A child should have a happy childhood”, etc.

Why do women not want to keep a family, even for the sake of a child?

• Desire to become independent.
• Tired of quarrels and quiet hatred.
• “If love is dead, then there is no point in torturing yourself.”
• “The child will be much more comfortable if he is not a constant witness to quarrels.”

No matter how women dream of eternal love, but, alas, it happens - once waking up, a woman realizes that next to her is a complete stranger. It doesn't matter why it happened. Love leaves for many reasons - resentment, betrayal, just a loss of interest in your once beloved half. It's important to know what to do with it. How to be? Living for the kids? Not everyone has enough worldly wisdom. Not everyone is able to maintain peace and friendly relations with her spouse. As a rule, one burns bridges and leaves forever, the other endures and cries into the pillow at night. What to do to change the situation?

• Does it make sense to endure humiliation for the sake of financial well-being? There is always an option - to weigh, consider, soberly assess the situation. How much do you lose if you leave? Of course, you will have to plan the budget on your own, and you can’t cope without work, but isn’t this a reason to become independent? Do not depend on an unloved husband. Let there be less money, but for the sake of it you won’t have to listen to the reproaches of a person who is already a stranger to you and prolong your torment from day to day.
• Of course, a child needs a complete family. But we assume, and the sky disposes. And if feelings have died, and the child has to see his father only on weekends (or even less often) - this is not a tragedy. The task of education is quite feasible in such a small family. The main thing is the mother's confidence in her abilities and, if possible, the preservation friendly relations with husband.
• Rarely, the preservation of the family for the sake of the child allows you to create comfortable conditions for him. Children feel the atmosphere in the family very sensitively. And life for a baby in a family where quarrels or hatred absorb parents will not be favorable. Such a life has no prospects and joy. Moreover, the crippled psyche of the baby and a bunch of complexes can become the consequences. And there is no need to talk about warm childhood memories.
• Why silently hate each other? You can always talk, come to a balanced unanimous decision. It is impossible to solve the problem by quarrels and swearing. To begin, you can discuss your problems, replacing emotions with meaningful arguments. Recognition is better than silence in any case. And if you don’t completely glue the family boat broken by life, then, again, peacefully and calmly, you can come to a unanimous decision - how to live on.
• Who said there is no life after divorce? Who said that only loneliness awaits there? According to statistics, a woman with a child marries very quickly. A child is not a hindrance to new love, and the second marriage often becomes much stronger than the first.

Steps to save a family for a child

The role of a woman in the family, as a more flexible psychological partner, will always be decisive. A woman is able to forgive, move away from negativity and be the engine of "progress" in the family. What to do if the relationship has cooled, but you can still save the family?

• Change your environment drastically. Take care of each other again. Experience the joy of new sensations together.
• More interested in the second half. A man after birth often remains on the sidelines - forgotten and misunderstood. Try to take his place. Maybe he was just tired of being unnecessary?
• Be honest with each other. Do not accumulate your grievances - they can carry both of you later, like an avalanche. If there are complaints and questions, they should be discussed immediately. There is nothing without trust.

Joint life is impossible - what to do next?

If the relationship is not saved, and all attempts to improve them are broken against a wall of misunderstanding and anger, the best way- break up, maintaining normal human relations.

• There is no point in lying to the child that everything is fine. He sees everything himself.
• It makes no sense to lie to yourself - they say, everything will work out. If the family has a chance, then parting will only benefit.
• You can not allow psychological trauma for your child. He needs calm parents who are satisfied with life and self-sufficient.
• It is unlikely that a child will say thank you for the years lived in an atmosphere of hatred. He does not need such sacrifices. He needs love. And she doesn't live where people hate each other.
• Live apart for a while. It is possible that you are just tired and you need to miss each other.
• Have you separated yet? Do not interfere with the father in his desire to communicate with the child (unless, of course, he is a maniac, from whom everyone should stay away). Do not use your child as a bargaining chip in your relationship with ex-husband. Think about the interests of the crumbs, and not about your grievances.

Life after divorce and the attitude of parents to the child

As a rule, after the divorce proceedings, the child is left with the mother. Well, if the parents managed not to stoop to the division of property and other squabbles. Then the father freely comes to the child, and the baby does not feel abandoned. You can always find a compromise. loving mother will find a solution that will provide the child with a happy childhood, even in an incomplete family. Life after a divorce does not end, and for many it is just beginning!

Is it worth it to save a family for the sake of a child? Parent feedback

- It all depends, in any case, on the circumstances. If constant drinking and scandals, if no care, if it doesn’t bring money, then drive such a husband with a filthy broom. This is not the father, and the child does not need such an example. Immediately deprive the rights, and goodbye, Vasya. Especially if there is an alternative. And if more or less, then you can forgive and endure.

There is no definite answer here. Although you can understand the situation by the behavior of her husband. That is, he got tired of everything, or he is ready to find a consensus.)) A crisis happens in every family. Some pass it with dignity, others get divorced. My friend told me that at one time he could not be in the same apartment with his beloved wife. Moreover, he loves her very much, but here ... there are such periods in life. Nothing, waits.

If there are feelings (well, at least some!), then you should just be patient, change the situation, go on vacation together ... It's just fatigue, that's normal. Family is hard work. The easiest way is to drop it and run away. And it is much more difficult to constantly invest in relationships, to give in, to give. But without it, nowhere.

My husband lost interest during pregnancy. First, to me, and the child was born - so there was not even any interest in him. Perhaps it was difficult for him to wait until it was “possible” (I was not allowed). In general, we have already met our son for half a year separately. Now he has his own family, I have mine. I didn't fight. I don't think love can be forced. We must let go and move on. But we have good relationship. Husband comes to me to complain about his new wife))). And the son is happy, and there is a father, and a mother. No quarrels. He's big already - ten soon. And the husband was always with him (phone, weekends, vacations, etc.), so the son did not feel inferior.

When living for the sake of children is still normal. Much can be forgiven and endured for the sake of a child. But when for the sake of a mortgage ... This is already a disaster. I will never understand mothers like this.

We divorced when our daughter was a year old. There was also a choice - to endure, live for the sake of children or leave. To endure his drunken antics, loose hands and other "joys", or go nowhere, without money and work, even without things. I chose the latter and have no regrets. She filed for divorce, for deprivation of rights. They didn’t deprive me of my rights, my nerves were frayed, but he lagged behind me. He didn't even want to see the baby. Generally. Now I think - what a fine fellow I am that I left. Yes, it was hard. They rented a small room, there was not enough money. But then the child did not have to look at all those horrors. And the presence of a dad ... Better none than this.

Question: I have been married for almost five years. During all this time, I experienced both good moments and bad ones. However, recently I realized that all the feelings for my husband have gone. Despite this, I continue to live with him only for the sake of the child. Is it worth it?

If you are sure that you do not have feelings for your husband, I think you should not waste your life in vain. But isn't it better to talk to your spouse? Maybe he pays you less attention, affection and tenderness?

I can't imagine how feelings can suddenly disappear. But then it is better to live separately, maintaining good relations, than to endure each other every day.

sveta85 wrote:
Despite this, I continue to live with him only for the sake of the child. Is it worth it?

First you need to make sure that there are no feelings, they will not return, and then together we will think about what to do next. And you never know what seems in moments of quarrel or resentment. But for the sake of the child, many couples live and do it quite consciously.

Babusika wrote:
Mariya, but I have a good idea. I have a similar situation, and the critical moment has already come when we do not live together. sveta85, does your husband even know that you no longer love him? Maybe we should talk and decide something?

He doesn't know about it. But for the conversation, I feel that I'm just not ready yet.
How many years have you been married?

Jelly Amy

Sveta, what is left in the bottom line? Love has passed, I understand. Or rather, the passion is gone. Love hasn't come yet. But what about respect? Sympathy? Common affairs? Common views? Take your time with cardinal decisions - first try to look at your husband from a different angle.

sveta85, Yes, many live like this, but where to go, the child must have a father, and it is very difficult to raise one now.

Maybe something needs to be changed family life? It's just that monotony really bothers sometimes, and feelings go away.

You can try, only then you will have to constantly change, because without changes it will get worse and worse.

It should not be worse for the child, because then he will understand that you are already completely strangers with your husband. Maybe your husband and you will find your happiness and then you will also be friends

A husband can find that happiness, but it will be much more difficult for a woman with a child to do all this. And it's hard to raise one.

Olga Prokopchuk

Don't rush into a decision so you don't regret it later. The monotonous life begins to destroy your relationship every day, so you need a change of scenery. Go on vacation together and there you will understand if you want to save your family. My husband and I were six years old living together And I felt like I didn't feel anything for him anymore. We had a big fight and he said he was leaving. I was very much afraid that he would no longer be in my life. A month later, we went to a ski resort for a vacation, and after a wonderful vacation together, the feelings returned again.

Recently I found out that my husband is cheating on me with a minor mistress. He spends money on her and buys her gifts, even bought an iPhone. And he hasn’t bought anything for me for 10 years already ... We have a 15-year-old son, he doesn’t even have things. I read his correspondence with her on the phone. She is 19 years old ... I am 42. My husband and I are the same age. It was terribly painful to read all this ... I cried bitterly. We often argue with him. He always called me old, and said that it would be better not to get married. He has been cheating on me for 2 years now. I didn't tell him anything about my mistress. I just stopped talking to him and started sleeping all day. He does not worry about this at all, as if it should be so. An ordinary woman would have thrown a scandal, but I just kept silent. My brain refuses to accept this reality. And just plunged into apathy. I'm in the deepest depression. I loved this man madly from my youth and still love. Despite betrayal and humiliation. How I dreamed in my years that he would pay attention to me, I wanted to get married. My dream came true and at first I lived like in paradise. And now... I want to die. I live only for the sake of the child. But if it wasn't for him, I would have killed myself. Help! ask.
Support the site:

Nina, age: 42 / 03/15/2016

Responses:

Dear, dear, woman! I'm not very good at writing, but I so want to say words of consolation to you. Why are you so neglecting yourself? You are only 42!!! And the baby is no longer small! And that the husband is a male, well, so God is with him. This will be his eternal torment. Would you, dear, take yourself in hand and look at life from a different perspective. There is so much beauty and kindness in it! And you buried yourself in your relationships and so-called love (it would be for someone). For happiness, you don’t need an ai background, expensive clothes, or a dubious husband !!! I left mine at 4 months of pregnancy with my third child .. everything, I thought, I would change my mind, I would start to love, appreciate .. Thank God, we survived and were also glad that no one was spoiling our blood! a happy and calm mother is the key to the happiness of her children. Your growing child does not have to learn that Dejection is a normal form of life. Learn for yourself and teach him that no matter what, life is a gift and happiness. God bless you!

Ira, age: 48 / 03/15/2016

And you take it and do the opposite, take care of yourself. Go to the temple, put candles and pray for yourself, your family and even for your offender (try to forgive her, give judgment on her to God). Walk more, do your hair, please yourself, even in small things.

Tatyana, age: 42 / 03/15/2016

Nina dear, talk heart to heart with your husband, it’s not like you live like this with a traitor and continue to endure, tell him to leave his mistress and take up his mind, but he’s good for her father! After all, you have a son and he needs care and attention from his father, if he doesn’t want to, then you shouldn’t humiliate yourself and endure such an attitude, chase him in the neck, get a divorce and build your life, happiness from scratch, you still have such an age when you can find a good man, older than you for example. There is no need to die, throw these thoughts out of your head, go to a psychologist - talk about it, remove this burden from your soul. Both the doors and the roads behind these doors are still open in front of you, find your way, devote time to yourself and your child, and you need to figure it out with your husband and put all the points in their places.

Alice , age: 00 / 03/15/2016

YOUR love for your husband remained, in your son! Give him all your love and warmth. He needs it, and will need it for a long time, believe me, like the daughter of one who, from my very childhood, spoke about suicide and made attempts in front of the child. Listen to me, whose mother talks like you. You have no idea how painful it is for a child to hear!! We are your children, we really need you, we have no one closer than mother, if you are not there, who will take care of the son. For us children, it doesn’t matter whether the old mother is or not, how she looks, strict or soft. the main thing is that she lives! I beg you, live!

Katya, age: 24/15.03.2016

Hello. Dear Nina, it's hard for you, it's hard, but not a single man in the world is worth your life. I advise you to do what you love, find a variety of hobbies, hobbies, live for yourself, for your son, future grandchildren. And sooner or later the husband will come to his senses, understand what mistake he made. Hold on and don't lose heart!

Irina, age: 28 / 15.03.2016

Nina, hello!
I have read your letter. Nina, it became clear to me that the situation inside your relationship has not been good for many years.
Many of your years have been wasted.
Nina, I don't know if you read the replies to your letter and what kind of help you want.
You grieve, it's hard for you. It will pass. I want you to really think about yourself.
Don't change anything. You need to save yourself.
Get divorced as soon as possible. Take care of your life.
Whose apartment do you live in? What do you exist for?
If you are not working, start looking for a job immediately. Before the divorce, you must have the means to live and a guarantee to earn them. Consult with a lawyer regarding your shares of property and other matters. Document everything, otherwise there will be nothing to teach your son. And do not tell your husband anything in advance, do not warn.
Life is short, there is little active time left.
It does not matter what your husband says about you and what he thinks about you. Nina, I am 45 years old. She has been married for 25 years. I initiated the divorce. I'm having a hard time financially right now. But morally much better

Natalia, age: 45 / 03/16/2016

A deep and emotional article-a reminder to all parents from blogger and psychologist Olga Valyaeva that giving a child love, you should not forget about yourself, otherwise this inability to love yourself is transmitted to them, instilling many complexes on the go from the excessive demands of parents.

I beg you, do not live for the sake of children! Not only do they not need it, it is harmful to them ...

How many broken destinies, broken hearts, insults and misunderstandings! I see women giving up everything in life for their children. And then I see those children for whom everything was given up. The sight is sad.

Story one

Mom raised Vanya alone. She never married, invested everything in her son, bought him an apartment, paid for the university. He became a wonderful man, successful. But he's already fifty. He has never been married and has no children. All my life I tried to repay my mother's unpaid debt. Did not work out.

Story two

Ksyusha's father worked day and night for the sake of the children. He had big plans, especially for his daughter. She was capable. And he dreamed that she would become a doctor. Saved up for her university. But she refused. She wanted to live her life. Differently. I wanted to become an artist. Then dad tried to reason with her - and billed her. I counted everything there - how much it cost her schooling, mugs, clothes, food. And he demanded that the money be returned. Is it necessary to say that Ksyusha never saw her father again? More than thirty years have passed since that day.

Story three

Mom for the sake of Ira gave up her personal life. After the divorce, she did not go on dates, she was afraid to injure her daughter. The daughter has grown up and cannot leave her mother. Can't date. He can't even bear the thought of leaving his mother and moving on with his life. Ira is already forty. Never been married. No kids.

Story four

The parents of Igor and Zhenya were very, very good. They did everything for the children, everything they could, and even what they could not. The family always seemed friendly, family holidays, vacation. Only in all this parenthood did they lose their marriage. Nothing else connected them. They lived together for thirty years, like dad and mom. And then, when the children left, they just divorced. Zhenya still cannot recover from this greatest deception. She is already thirty-seven, but she does not want to get married. Afraid of repeating the same sad story. After all, after the divorce, my mother faded very quickly.

Story five

Gosh is a late child. He was always shaken over, he was taken care of, he was taken care of, even too much. To tell the truth, his mother just despaired of waiting for the prince and decided to give birth to a child for herself. And then she decided that through George all her dreams would come true. She tried her best to make him a child prodigy. He studied several languages, went to many circles, played the harp ... Mom was proud of him, and she always asked guests to play something. The harp is very exotic! Gosh is over forty. He is divorced. His children are raised by another man. And Gosh doesn't mind. He still does not know what he wants, he did not become a child prodigy. He could not stand it and broke down. Now he just drinks. Before work, instead of work and after it. Mom doesn't see it anymore.

Are there many such stories and how many of them are cheerful and joyful?

When a child becomes the meaning of life, it is too hard for him. It is as if he is being thrust into a room in which one day the air will run out. At first you can live like this, but gradually you start to suffocate. Suffocate in such love and care.

And not only have you been living in such a stifling desert for twenty years - or for how long - most often you remain indebted. They bring you a bill, although it seemed that you just came to visit. And he would gladly help the owners - himself, on his own initiative. But when they bring you a bill for these very twenty years on a silver platter, when every breath burned everything inside ...

Then there are options. The child can pay these bills forever. Like Ira or Vanya - from the stories at the beginning of the article. Or arrange a protest - start drinking, break all ties - like Gosha and Ksyusha ... Few people are able to understand and accept such an attitude of their parents. Accept and understand, and at the same time not sacrifice your own life, your interests.

Therefore, I beg you, do not live for the sake of children! Find yourself a different meaning of life, find a different meaning in motherhood and fatherhood. So that the little boys and girls who come to this planet do not become hostages and victims of your "charity" and guardianship.

Let them grow as God wills. How much he gives and what he gives is enough. For some, millions of sections according to abilities are formed by themselves. And the child himself will want all this. And with someone it doesn’t work out, it won’t work out. Hence, it is not necessary.

Love your husband.

The children will grow up, and he will stay with you. You can give children an example of relationships so that they want a family, children. Or you can beat off all desire if you are obsessed with children's problems, ignoring the needs of your husband.

Love yourself.

Do not forget about yourself in the race for children's happiness. Don't give up your dress for a new robot. Do not change your beautician for a tutor. If you don't take care of yourself, what can you give to others? What is an example? What love? Where?

Look for the meaning of life beyond the material layer.

This life will end one day, even if you don't want to think about it now. Spiritual practice, religion, prayers, scripture reading... You can draw strength there, instead of pulling it all from children.

Do not live for the sake of children, I beg you.

When I meet such people, it is very painful for me to look them in the eye. I recognize myself and my pain in many ways. I see this pain broken hearts, devastated souls. In their eyes are cries for help. Pain, despair, guilt… They – like all children – really want to love their parents. But then they just won't survive...

Let your children live and breathe. Then they can grow and develop. Where they are destined to go. Our role as parents is simple - to water on time, not to cover from the sun, to protect from pests. And then the child, like a flower, will cope by himself and will show all the best that is already laid in him from above.

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