Teen Crisis. Is it always rebellion? Teenage rebellion: how to survive it for parents Development for parents how to survive teenage rebellion
Just yesterday, the son looked like a golden-haired cherub, but today he is rude to his parents and leaves home for a long time. At attempts to start a heart-to-heart conversation, he shouts: “Leave me alone” and turns on the music at such a volume that the neighbors come to complain. It would seem that the daughter just stopped playing with dolls, and already flaunts with a piercing in her lip, and dyes her hair either green or green. blue color.
When asked by the mother what happened, the answer follows: “You still don’t understand anything!”. The child has strange friends and hobbies, he does not listen to adults. Mutual misunderstanding, bewilderment, problems are piled on top of each other, forming a wall between a teenager and adults. This is a transitional age. Hormones are raging, the appearance of the child is changing, complexes appear.
We were all children, but many of us managed to forget what it is like when the rebellious spirit tears you apart from the inside, prevents you from establishing relationships with your relatives. When parents complain about how hard it is for them with a teenager, they should be aware that it is not easier for him, he is worse. A small creature in this vast world cannot understand how to behave, feels lost. Dad and mom are adults, with a well-established position in life, they have stability in the form of work, friends, the prevailing worldview allows them to assess the surrounding reality. A teenager has nothing but a rebellious spirit.
Why do they do it
Children often rebel against overly strict parents. Thus, they prove their right to trust, independence, they try to throw off the shackles of excessive guardianship. It’s good if parents understand the reasons for the child’s behavior in time, show flexibility, understanding, loosen the “reins” a little. They may continue to control their son or daughter, but more delicately, leaving the child space and respecting his or her right to make his own decisions.
The second reason for the rebellion is permissiveness. Children who are forgiven everything begin to test the patience of their parents, trying to find out how far they can go. And in this case, adults need to show wisdom and prudence. Youth is not the whole of life, and a child accustomed to being indulged and his desires fulfilled will one day have to understand that in society one must behave in accordance with the rules. Therefore, it is better not to wait for trouble, but to speak strictly with a teenager, determine the rules of conduct, and demand their implementation. Sport section , physical exercise, a clear daily routine will only benefit.
Sometimes the behavior of a son or daughter is unbalanced. You can't even call it a rebellion. Children cannot cope with emotions, their nerves are like a tight string, which someone is sure to ruthlessly pull. And every time they react with aggression. As a rule, children from problem families are prone to such behavior. Doing without the help of a psychologist will not work.
Rebellion, senseless and merciless...
The rebellion is preceded by a "preparatory" period during which the child sends signals. But parents, busy with work, with their relationships, often do not notice them. "He's still small," Mom dismisses. “Grow up, everything will work out,” dad is sure. But the child feels bad now, at this moment, only when his behavior becomes unbalanced, the parents seem to see clearly and see in front of them not a sweet, obedient son, but a complex, even a stranger.
It is important to let the child know that mom and dad still love him. After all, rebellious behavior leaves an imprint on the personality of a teenager. Against the background of dissatisfaction with life, the inability to realize himself, he may develop depression. The child will erect such a wall around himself that neither parents nor friends will be able to overcome it without the help of an experienced psychologist.
During this difficult period, a teenager may begin to seek thrills, try to take alcohol, drugs, contact a company where, as he thinks, he is understood. At the same time, he realizes that his behavior is wrong, he feels guilty towards his parents, which aggravates his condition even more. He is not able to understand himself, his feelings. He wants to prove to himself, to others that he is not like everyone else, will not obey the rules. Sometimes it feels like a teenager can't empathize, but often they just try to avoid emotional trauma and hold back their feelings, although they feel uncomfortable. The rebellion destroys the teenager himself.
How to talk to him
It is necessary to talk with the child, he needs active participation, an understanding that he is loved and worried about him, but do it patiently. You should not put pressure on a teenager, demand that he unquestioningly follow the orders of his parents, this will only aggravate the situation. Look at your child. A strand of hair fell over her face, her eyes closed, a hood pulled low over her forehead. This is also a signal: do not touch me!
Therefore, do not approach the child, speak to him at some distance, do not try to look into his eyes, he will perceive a direct look as aggression. Calmly sit on a chair, this position will show that the parents do not want to dominate, they are trying to communicate on an equal footing. Accusations will not bring benefit, cry. You need to speak sincerely, clearly ask questions and put forward your requirements, do not try to lie.
Mothers are more likely to suffer from teenage rebellion. Fathers prefer to let everything take its course in full confidence that time will put everything in its place. But the longer parents wait and try to solve the problem on their own, the more the teenager will get bogged down in the swamp of alienation. The main thing to remember is that a teenager is a person who is looking for his place in this difficult life. He wants to figure it out himself and draw his own conclusions, and not rely entirely on the experience of his parents.
The transitional age of a teenager is a difficult time for the whole family. It is necessary to overcome it all together, without leaving the child alone.
Personal space is an immutable law of existence not only in the cruel and harsh world of animals, but also in the complex and intricate human society. Some people from childhood have a certain personal space, while others only in a mature state learn to manage and limit their own comfort zone. But there is a period during which everyone is fighting for the opportunity to find his own, which belongs entirely to him. Without going through the stage of conquering personal territory and establishing their own laws in relationships, a person cannot be called fully formed and healthy.
It is this stage in the formation of a healthy and independent individual that instills in the hearts of thousands of parents a cold and aching horror, like a snow hurricane during the Ice Age. And sometimes they quarrel in rage with teenagers who are trying the world and themselves for strength, and sometimes they are happy to inform the child that his lack of rebellious moods is the most beautiful circumstance in their life.
This stage in the formation of a person who has psychological and emotional health is known as teenage rebellion.
To begin with, it is worth understanding what is the monstrous mistake of parents rejoicing at the absence of rebellious aspirations in a child. Most often, such parents are of the opinion that in the world there is only one correct worldview, the only true rules of conduct and the only way to live life correctly. A child with excessively authoritarian behavior of parents already at the age of five or six understands that arguing, having their own opinions and thoughts is useless, and sometimes even dangerous. And in adolescence, it does not even occur to this child to try to win his place in this world. Of course, such behavior of a teenager cannot but please parents, since it does not bring difficulties and additional problems into their life.
But what will their child expect then, in the future? He will never learn to defend his own opinion, to achieve his goals, to choose his own path in life, to master the art of refusing a request to work at work for free for several months. Even if he understands that he is being deceived or used, he will not be able to protect himself from selfish people and manipulators.
Teenagers who have passed the test of rebellion master the arts of achieving their goals, communicating with people, building constructive relationships, protecting themselves from other people's negative influence. They become adults, and the period of rebellious rebellion is a reflection of the process of their formation as adults and independent people. Annoying behavior during this period is a small price to pay so that you do not have to solve the child's problems until your death, and your child will not constantly experience mental anguish due to the inability to interact with the world on an equal footing.
In addition, this behavior can hardly be compared with the bloody dramas that unfolded thousands of years ago, when baby dinosaurs began to conquer the world from adult animals. Now, in modern society, there is no need, which required, for the sake of the possibility of a normal existence and learning to interact with the world, to arrange battles similar in appearance to the battles in the “Do the Evolution” video. Here and now, in modern world youthful rebellion for a teenager is just the construction of new patterns of behavior, a period of self-determination and the cultivation of new qualities of one's own character.
During teenage rebellion, a person becomes an adult. At the same time, he begins to take responsibility for his own life, to protect his personal space and his own personality from the outside world. It is not his fault that the parents, from the point of view of the adolescent, also belong to the outside world and are not part of the adolescent's body, but outsiders and separate personalities from him. That is why it becomes quite difficult for parents to live during a time of rebellion that is unpleasant for adults, but necessary for a teenager. And, I must say that the subsequent relationship with the child will depend on how you treated him during this period of his development. Attempts to return to him a childish character in the presence of authoritarian and overwhelming behavior of parents can be successful, but they can also cause a complete alienation of a teenager from once close people.
Teenage rebellion is a necessary and very important stage in the development of a person's personality. And, if this period has come in the life of your child, be glad that he will not be the prey of manipulators until the end of his days, but will become a strong person adapted to life.
“Sonia was 15 years old when she began to lie to me,” recalls 45-year-old Elena. - She locked herself in her room and talked on the phone with her friends for hours. I just didn't know what to do. The daughter did not answer my questions and did not tell me anything else. I felt terribly helpless: all the time I imagined terrible pictures of what was bound to happen to her. And she didn't sleep at all." Elena repeatedly tried to talk to her husband, but he did not take what was happening seriously. He waved her off: “Stop acting like a mother hen!” “He said that we should give our daughter more freedom, trust her,” Elena continues, “otherwise she will never learn to be responsible for her actions. I felt like he just didn't understand me." Elena only a year later decided to come for a consultation with a psychologist. Most mothers perceive the slightest tension in a relationship with a child more acutely than fathers. “This is due to the fact that a woman is carrying a child and he, even having matured, can remain the closest person to her,” explains Jungian analyst Anna Skavitina. But when a woman feels misunderstanding of her husband, it is difficult for her to share her feelings with other close people - relatives, friends. She is ashamed of how the child behaves, ashamed of her helplessness, afraid of condemnation and misunderstanding, and tries to cope with her guilt herself. And as a result, it remains completely devastated. However disaster, which sometimes becomes adolescence, can be experienced without severe losses.
Father involvement
Many mothers of teenagers, whether married or not, feel lonely. “It happens that fathers are afraid of the uncontrollable behavior of the child, the strength of his emotions, which they inevitably encounter when the children grow up,” explains Anna Skavitina. - To cope with their own fears, they often move away from problems, stop noticing them, push them out. Therefore, it is so important that a woman helps her husband to get involved in a new family situation. “Sometimes a mother literally feels like one being with her child,” says child psychologist Marina Bebik. “In order to maintain this important closeness for her, she (often unconsciously) comes between the child and his father.” Even if such a way of life has developed in the family, during the period adolescence children, parents should (finally) decide to change it. If only because teenagers need it. After all, they often commit their stupidity only in order to unite their parents.
“It is easier for men than for women to see a child as a separate person,” Anna Skavitina clarifies. - They are ready to give their children more independence, autonomy, which teenagers need so much. This position of the father helps the mother to give up the fantasy of her omnipotence. It is much more difficult for mothers who raise children alone. “In this case, the role of the father can also be symbolically transferred to a family friend, an older relative, a psychologist, a teacher,” says psychotherapist Yuri Frolov. “Communicating with one of these men will help the teenager get through this painful time, and the mother will be able to step back a little from the situation, look at it with a new look.” This is useful in order to find a solution to a problem or just calm down, cool down the intensity of passions.
Have a question?
listen sensitively
We do not always perceive the "messages" that our loved ones send us - and yet their decoding would help us understand them better! “For example, having heard the grandfather’s words “Granddaughter walks like something lowered into water,” it is worth taking a closer look at the girl,” continues Marina Bebik. Our experts advise: pay attention to changes in speech and behavior of a teenager. To his annoyance and exclamations (“I'm tired of everything!”, “I'm just stupid!”), Bad grades, loss of appetite or anxiety (does he take drugs? Has depression begun?). It helps some parents to notice such changes in time with a notebook in which they write down their observations, doubts, fears. “Keeping such a diary does not mean that parents are spying on their child,” explains Marina Bebik. “But thanks to him, they learn to be attentive to details, which helps them to notice the difference between demonstrative behavior and the SOS signal in time.” Dyeing your hair blue is a demonstrative act. But if a teenager has shaved his head and painted it with signs, this may be a cry for help ... Demonstrative actions help children assert themselves, feel for their boundaries. But the cry for help is an attempt by a teenager to attract the attention of others, to tell them about how bad he is, and at least somehow cope with his suffering.
let go baby
“When a child turns 9-10 years old, mothers should think about what kind of relationship they have developed,” says Yuri Frolov. - If the connection between them is too strong (kind of like a merger), it may cause problems in the future. At the age of 13–15, and sometimes even earlier, all adolescents feel the need to separate from their parents (especially from their mother), build new relationships with adults, and become more independent people. And the stronger the emotional closeness with the mother, the more difficult it is for them to part. In particularly difficult cases, this gap brings so much pain that it is expressed in various symptoms: anorexia, different types addictions (drugs, alcohol), risky behavior that is dangerous for a teenager and his environment ... “It is better in advance, without waiting for a storm to break out, to ask yourself: am I expecting too much from my child? Marina Bebik agrees. “Am I using it to fill my emotional life?”
Vera, 43 years old, mother of Mikhail, 23 years old “Confidence has returned to me”
“Misha grew up as a cheerful, open, very lively child. He composed music, drew with pleasure, went in for tennis and swimming. He always had many friends. And he grew up very independent - it was important for my husband and me that he felt free. His adolescence coincided with our divorce: my husband drank heavily, and our relationship deteriorated ... Maybe that's why I missed some important point when there was still an opportunity to maintain trust between me and my grown-up son. He felt that his father was in the first place for me - I really really wanted to save the family. The son began to attract our attention as best he could - with his antics. He ran away from home, stopped studying at school, at the age of 12 he went to St. Petersburg alone, on electric trains - we were looking for him for a long time. When my husband and I nevertheless parted, Misha began to steal money from me, constantly lied, and at some point he began to use soft drugs. It seemed to me that I was going crazy: I did not have the strength to break the vicious circle of theft, "grass", rudeness and closeness. I was in a panic - instead of understanding the reasons for his behavior and trying to negotiate with him, sort out the situation, I yelled at him all the time and limited his freedom in everything - the very one that I taught before. And he lied and eluded me. Meeting with a psychologist did not help either. I was just desperate, and at the same time I was destroyed by guilt. Once, when I was reading a book, a simple thought came to my mind: to look at the situation from the outside. I focused all my anger on my son and ex-husband. And it just didn’t occur to me to think about myself - am I really behaving so impeccably? I was simply shocked when I realized that I am a dictator who simultaneously requires my son to be completely submissive and independent in making decisions. At that moment, a friend suggested that my son and I go to a monastery in northern Russia. We were not believers, but we went. Unexpectedly, my son liked it there, he made friends with the novices ... and we stayed there to live: I worked, he too, but studied externally. We returned to Moscow three years later. My son went to college, but he didn't like it. He mastered the profession of a cook, and he was invited to work in a respectable restaurant. Last year I became seriously ill and spent a long time in the hospital. I had time to think about what happened between us. I realized that all these years I could not come to terms with the fact that my son is not my property, but individual person with their views, thoughts, feelings. Gradually, the understanding came to me that I should let him go, give him real freedom - freedom of choice. It was not easy for me to accept both my son and myself. But my confidence has returned. And it gives me the strength to go on.”
Posted by Natalia Kim
About it
"On the side of the teenager" Francoise Dolto
Deep and delicate book by a French psychoanalyst about the inner world and growing up of adolescents (Rama Publishing, 2010).
"Your Restless Teen" Robert Bayard, Jean Bayard
The best book for desperate parents. Its authors, family therapists and parents of five children, talk about how, by changing relationships between themselves, adults can improve relationships with teenagers. A living, sincere book worth trusting (Academic project, Mir Foundation, 2011).
Defuse aggressiveness
Any manifestations of violence in adolescents is a sign of deep mental distress. “There is no violence in a family without a reason!” experts emphasize. If a teenager is rude, rude or uses his hands, it means that he is convinced that he himself is a victim of violence - in reality or in his own fantasy. “Perhaps the parents simply did not give the child enough space for him to feel his autonomy, and the teenager rebels against such restrictions, perceiving them as an invasion of his territory,” says psychotherapist Xavier Pommereau (Xavier Pommereau). “His aggression is definitely a backlash.” What to do if a teenager starts screaming, hitting the wall with his fist, throwing objects on the floor? How to respond to help him relieve stress and avoid danger? According to Xavier Pommero, “during a quarrel, you should not approach him or her closer than an arm's length. It is better to stay two meters away: this is how you show your teenager that you respect his privacy. If in conflict situation cross this border, he may involuntarily perceive this as a manifestation of aggression and react accordingly.
Another tip: it is better not to have a tense conversation in the kitchen, where kitchen tools or boiling water may be at hand. Use body language to defuse the situation. “When we argue, we reflexively get up from our seats, straighten up to our full height,” notes Xavier Pommero. - During an aggressive scene, it is better for parents, on the contrary, to sit down first. This action will be a proposal for a truce, a signal to calm down - because when we sit, we cannot fight. What exactly is not worth doing? Look into the eyes of a teenager during a quarrel and demand the same from him. “A direct look is perceived as aggression. That is why many teenagers hide behind a hood, covering their faces with strands of hair. They don't want to be "bitten". If you feel irritated, just look away. Let your teen leave the room to calm down. You can continue the conversation another time." “Don't blame, if you want to clarify something, ask clear questions,” explains Marina Bebik. "Be sincere and open." But if a teenager nevertheless begins to express his aggression in action - he tries to push or grab his hand, it is necessary to act. “It is necessary to clearly and firmly explain to him that he has gone beyond what is permitted and you will not tolerate this,” advises Yuri Frolov. Discuss this with him later when he calms down. In such cases, it is worth contacting a specialist (psychotherapist, psychologist) as soon as possible so that violence does not become the usual language of communication in the family.
Decide for a consultation
Many mothers do not seek help for a long time, trying to convince themselves that the situation is difficult, but not hopeless. “It's time to turn to a psychologist if you feel that you are unable to cope with the situation, that the problems of a teenager take up too much space in your life and you do not know what to do next,” says Anna Skavitina. “You may need to meet with a few specialists to find someone who can really help you.” At the same time, do not rush: what may seem to you a failure, a step backwards, in fact important element therapy process. And we must always remember that children are not malleable clay in our hands, but full-fledged individuals, independent people who are destined to build a life apart from us.
The only sensible way to educate people is to set an example for them.
(Albert Einstein)
One priest I knew had two sons. When his eldest son became an adult and also took the holy orders, and the youngest was still a teenager, this father became a widower. He raised his youngest son alone, and when he was already finishing school, he began to slowly fight back. So, he became interested in the work of the notorious rock band "Leningrad", almost every song of which contains obscene language.
The father, of course, could not like his son's new hobby, but he was able to reason with him very original way. The priest found the discs of this group and began to listen to them in the evenings in the presence of his son. And not only listen, but also vividly comment on the texts. A few days later, the son could not stand it, went up to his father and said: "Dad, let's turn it off." After that, he was no longer fond of Leningrad.
Great wisdom can be gleaned from this little story, for here are all the basic rules for parents of behavior in relation to teenage children.
Firstly, the priest did not fight his son's passion with prohibitions and pressure. Because pressure creates a spirit of opposition in a teenager. Even if he internally agrees with the rationality of the prohibition, he will resist out of youthful stubbornness. In addition, "forbidden fruit is sweet."
Secondly, the father approached his grown son with respect, took the time to sort out the problem, and not just shouted: “Stop listening to all kinds of devilry!” That is, he delved into the problem in order to judge it competently.
And finally, he showed his son the stupidity and vulgarity of his new hobby by a good example, as if from his side, as if telling him: “Yeah, you consider yourself an adult. Think about it, can an adult self-respecting person listen to such rubbish?
Transitional age, teenage years This is a very difficult time for both parents and children. And you can survive it only if you stock up on love, respect and understanding. Exactly respect and understanding First of all, young people expect from us. They think they are adults and want us to talk to them like adults. I quite often had to conduct lessons and talks with schoolchildren, speak to very difficult teenagers, but I always adhered to one rule: treat my young listeners with the same respect as if I were speaking to an adult audience.
Even if I was specifically asked provocative, tricky questions, I tried to answer them as thoroughly and reasonably as possible, without losing self-control and respect for my co-questioners. This has always evoked respect from my listeners in return. And I can say that the guys listened to my lessons with great attention, especially since I chose topics interesting for young people to communicate with them.
Our relationship with children as they enter puberty must be re-evaluated. What was acceptable with schoolchildren 8-10 years old will not work with teenagers. Mistakes made in raising children cannot be corrected in adolescence. Parents can only pray hard for their children and try to become for them not authoritarian leaders, but authoritative senior comrades.
But our conversation is not devoted to the education of adolescents, although, of course, we will inevitably touch on this issue. It will be about how to communicate with children in this difficult period. How to understand them and find them mutual language. By the way, you can read about the upbringing of teenagers in my book “Small Church”.
During the years of the so-called perestroika, the documentary film “Is It Easy to Be Young?” was released on the screens of the country. This picture spoke quite frankly about the life and problems of modern youth and then made a lot of noise. I remember my grandfather, just seeing the title of the film, grumbled: “Is it easy to be young? Me too, question. It would be better to ask: is it easy to be old! I think that both in youth and in old age there are great difficulties. Both of these periods are critical, and therefore very difficult, requiring adaptation, restructuring. A young person is just entering adulthood, which is why this period is called so - transitional; and a person of middle age, aging, also passes into a new phase of his life development. And it is not known to whom it is more difficult - young or old.
Why is the transitional age the most difficult period in a child's life, and what are its features? The time when children become teenagers, and then boys and girls, is a period of growing up, rapid growth and changes in the whole organism. But the main thing - there is an active formation and formation of personality. The transitional age begins at 12-13 years old, and usually ends by the age of 18. Although in some cases it may be delayed until the entry of a young person into adulthood. Teenagers are growing up slowly these days. Very often, parents begin to talk about problems with children, and one gets the impression that they are talking about teenagers 15–17 years old, but it turns out that their children are already well over 20. This, of course, is more the fault of parents who do not want to accustom their children to independence, responsibility and adult lifestyle. For example, one of my acquaintances, dad, when his children were already over 20 years old, continued to wake them up every day to the institute, and on Sundays to church.
The transition period is a time of great stress. The active growth of the body, hormonal changes, puberty, the formation of personality, the choice of a life path, the entry into adulthood - all this is a considerable problem for recent children, and they do not always know how to cope with them. This often results in aggression, resistance to parents, teenage rebellion and inappropriate actions. A teenager's character can suddenly change dramatically, he begins to be rude or becomes secretive. His mood can change constantly. From joyful, excited to depressive. The psyche becomes unstable. Many young people during this period have suicidal thoughts; they can feel deeply unhappy, abandoned by everyone and useless. And sometimes those thoughts can turn into action. I think everyone knows examples when teenagers threw themselves under a train, jumped from a roof or cut their veins because of unrequited love or other problems.
A teenager grows up and begins to assert himself, and this is normal, but he often does this by completely wrong methods, through disobedience, rudeness, overthrow of authorities and norms of behavior. Parents need to understand that it is impossible to be offended by their growing children during this period, they are, as it were, in a state of childhood illness, and therefore, in principle, we cannot demand normal behavior from them: they are not quite adequate. We are not offended by a person if he has a chronic cough and prevents us from sleeping at night, or if his ears hurt and he does not hear us well. Similarly, teenagers need us to treat them with attention and understanding. They do not intentionally want to offend, insult and offend us, they just have problems and they do not know how to deal with them. It is very good at this time to remember yourself in adolescence, your experiences, feelings, difficulties, aspirations, and then it will be much easier for us to understand our children.
I have not in vain compared the transitional age with childhood illness. Continuing this analogy, we can say that almost all children get sick with childhood diseases, such as chickenpox, rubella, whooping cough, but then, having been ill, they receive immunity and no longer get sick with them in adulthood. But if a person did not have childhood ailments in childhood, but fell ill with them as an adult, he endures them much harder, and they can have severe consequences.
Almost all teenagers try to smoke, drink beer, do not obey their elders, are insolent to teachers and deceive their parents. You should not be afraid of this, you just need to react to it correctly. But it is impossible not to pay attention to this, just the actions of parents during this period should be very careful and reasonable. If a teenager has been ill with childhood "diseases" and eccentricities, and his parents behaved correctly at this time, he will gain immunity and will not do stupid things in adulthood.
The main rules of communication with teenagers are almost the same as with children in general. We talked about them in a previous conversation. The basic principles are love and understanding. This is expected of us by children of any age, although, of course, adolescence has its own characteristics. If a child did not receive love in childhood, this can have a very deplorable effect on his future life. After all, as a rule, criminals are either children from dysfunctional families, or children who have no parents at all, brought up in orphanages and boarding schools. Of course, a child from a wealthy, outwardly prosperous family can also go down the path of crime, but, firstly, there are quite a few such cases, and secondly, the wealth of the family does not at all indicate the presence of a real parental love.
I remember one priest told how he visited a colony for juvenile delinquents. He read one thing in the eyes of the guys - they were very much disliked in childhood.
When a teenager leaves home or contacts bad company, he is looking for what he lacked in the family: love, understanding and respect. And also, perhaps, the authority of the elder. And even when he gets into a youth gang, he can get a replacement for all this there. There he is understood, they do not treat him like a little one, they respect him, he has his own business in the new "family", and he sees an example to follow in the face of older "comrades". They are in "authority", and they lead him.
Therefore, the task of parents is to create such conditions in the family that the teenager does not want to run away "to a country far away" and look for something outside the home. He must feel that his family gives him support, care and understanding. The family is a collection of the best and truest friends. Of course, a boy and a girl can have friends and buddies. But parents should be aware of who their child is friends with and spends time with. They should get to know his friends, invite them to visit, it is desirable to get acquainted with their parents. Because now for their child the authority of friends and comrades can be much higher than the parent, and if the child has contacted not very good people, they can have a great negative impact on him. The main thing that parents need to understand is that children become problematic and “difficult” due to problems and difficulties in the family. Either the spouses have a bad relationship, or the child did not receive proper education in the family, or no one listens to his problems. This is especially necessary for parents whose children have not yet reached adolescence, so as not to miss the moment. Everything that we want to invest in a child in terms of education must be done before adolescence. Then the children practically cease to perceive our instructions. But if a child has received a proper upbringing, in adolescence he will know what is good and what is bad, and will be able to do right choice.
Often there is such an option: parents (especially fathers) did not pay special attention raising a child, and in adolescence they realized and began to strenuously make up for lost time and demand a lot from the child. This causes alienation, the child begins to move away from his parents more and more. A friend of mine devoted very little time to his daughters. He himself told me that when they were small, he almost never went out with them. I remember that he even said with some pride: “I have never rolled a stroller in my life!” So what happened? The daughters have grown up, and they hardly communicate with him. But if the family has a warm, friendly atmosphere, if the household members devote time to communication, joint activities and activities, the crisis of adolescence passes easily. According to research, in most families, parents talk to their children for an average of 15 minutes a day. Is it possible to talk about some kind of good relationship after that?
And in general, be more interested in what he lives and is fond of. Parents can influence the child's hobbies by suggesting and suggesting interesting books, films or music.
If we are talking with a teenager and his opinion does not coincide with ours, there is no need to “press” his parental authority. Our objection and criticism will only have effect when they are reasoned and authoritative. For example, a child likes certain music, movies, websites, or clothing style. It is important not to unfoundedly deny something - this will inevitably cause a conflict - but to figure it out and discuss together. Maybe you exaggerate the danger of this or that hobby, or maybe you can offer something of your own. It is necessary not only and not so much to ban something, but also, having understood the topic, unobtrusively give the right direction, offer an alternative. For example, a teenager is fond of rock music and listens to the same "Leningrad". But Russian rock is a very heterogeneous phenomenon. And speaking out against a group you don't like, you can still be allowed to listen to other rock artists. Such mastodons of Russian rock as Y. Shevchuk, K. Kinchev, V. Butusov are Orthodox people. A considerable number of rock bands have songs on spiritual topics in their repertoire.
You can also help young man in the choice of literature. Now young people are fond of the novels of Paulo Coelho. His works contain a lot of the occult, esoteric, which means they are unacceptable for Orthodox person. It is necessary not only to tell the child about this, but also to offer something in return, for example, books by J. Tolkien, C. Lewis, or something else.
By the way, criticism is always better to start with praise. Let's say: "You are such a smart, serious guy, you understand all the problems, but you listen to primitive pop music." Or: "You are so with me serious girl you help so much, the whole house is on you, and your room is a mess.”
Praise, encouragement - this is what a child expects from us at any age, and parents should definitely praise their children for achievements and just good deeds, of course, while observing the measure so that the child does not "star". Indeed, at this age, teenagers, as a rule, already have an exaggerated idea of \u200b\u200btheir abilities. But, nevertheless, parents will achieve much more from their children if they say simple, warm words of gratitude to them for what they do for the home, for the family.
I will say a few words about the church education of teenagers, because this is a very difficult and painful topic. After all, many young people whom their parents took to church from childhood, then move away from the church and church life. There are two main points here. Faith, prayer, participation in the sacraments - all this should be for the parents themselves not a formal ceremony, but a part of life, a need of the soul. Then they can instill it all in their children. After all, parents for children are the first example in everything. If we demand neatness from children, we ourselves must dress in clean, neat clothes; if we want a child to pray and observe fasting, we ourselves must not make indulgences in fasting and not miss prayers and church services. In addition to parental example, children need interest and explanation. They should not be bored in the temple, and they should receive simple, lively, and accessible explanations of spiritual matters from their parents. In attending services, a reasonable measure should be chosen according to the capabilities of the children, so as not to overdo it and not cause rejection from the temple. In spiritual education, it is important to present the material in an interesting way. You can talk about the upcoming holiday or retell the life of the saint now being celebrated in your own words, you can pick up interesting books for children, since a lot of Orthodox literature and films are now on sale. It is difficult to imagine that children of adolescence will read the "Ladder" or "Teachings of Abba Dorotheus", but at this age it is important that the teenager's interest in the church topic does not fade away, and for this you need to work hard. When I was teaching the Basics Orthodox culture» at school, then, when conducting conversations with students, he used films. For example, he showed the children the film “Quo vadis” based on the novel by G. Sienkevich “Kamo come”, and then talked with them about the feat of the martyrs.
Teenagers often stop going to church because their parents do not pay enough attention to their spiritual growth and upbringing. They take a child at the age of 4 to communion by the hand, take him to confession at the age of 7 and think that this is enough. But at the age of 12-16, children demand more. Only then will he remain in the Church when church life arouses his interest. Therefore, we need parental conversations, and books, and communication with churched peers, and, perhaps, some kind of help to the church, so that the teenager feels his involvement in parish life.
Speaking about the relationship between parents and adolescents, it is impossible to get around the topic of prohibitions. Prohibitions, teachings, instructions - this is what especially causes conflicts in the pair of "fathers and sons". But still, any normal parent understands that it is impossible to do without prohibitions, because we are responsible before God for our children, for their spiritual and physical health.
When children reach adolescence, prohibitions and even teachings should be reduced to a minimum. It is possible to prohibit something only when the parents see that the child is in danger.
If there are too many bans, they will simply lose all value. A teenager should feel that his parents do not restrict his freedom, and if they forbid something, it means that it is really necessary. Any prohibition must be explained.
One of my acquaintances is a real ascetic family education. He organized the Orthodox village "Family Hearth" near Vladivostok. Several families live in this settlement, each of which has 7–9 children. Several relatives and several foster children, moreover, foster children are difficult teenagers from orphanages. And this man, his name is Oleg Petruk, said that in their village children do not smoke, do not drink and do not swear. I asked him how he managed to create such conditions, and he replied that he regularly talks with children in the evenings on spiritual topics and also about the dangers of tobacco, alcohol and foul language. And of course, children, seeing that parents and older comrades do not smoke and do not swear, take an example from them.
I also, at the request of my parishioners, had conversations with their children, who had become addicted to beer, about the effect of alcohol on the youthful body, and these conversations had an effect. So children expect from us a sensible explanation of our prohibitions.
Of course, it will not be possible to completely protect a teenager from all troubles. Children smoke, taste alcohol, and commit other misdeeds often not because they are prone to sin, but because they are in search, becoming, they want to experience everything on their own experience and, of course, feel their “adulthood”. And if the family does not smoke, but drink only on holidays, the likelihood that a boy or girl will “get hooked” on tobacco and alcohol is very small. However, parents should not ignore such things. Smoking, drinking alcohol, rudeness to parents - all this should be stopped, but, again, the ban should be accompanied by competent and constructive explanations. In addition to explanations about the dangers of certain vices, it is necessary to make it clear to the teenager that we are very worried about him, that parental concern is caused by love and indifference towards him.
There is such a thing as teenage hypersexuality. Adolescents are going through puberty, they have a hormonal surge, and this causes an increased interest in the topic. sexual relations. At this age it is very important that young people do not commit great sins. They should receive knowledge on sexual matters not from their school or yard friends, but from their parents. And parents need not only to give correct explanations in the intimate area, but also to tell their children about family and marriage as the greatest human value, about the need to remain chaste before marriage and about the inadmissibility of sexual activity before marriage. Such conversations must, of course, be carried out very carefully so as not to arouse unnecessary interest in this delicate topic. In general, an increased interest in an intimate topic at this age is very dangerous, it can lead to the disinhibition of the sphere of attraction and serious sins.
Parental conversations should, of course, not only be prohibitive and didactic in nature. With teenagers, you can talk about anything, but you need to try to make it interesting for them.
It is very important to talk with children about choosing a life path. Now the dream of most young people, having entered adulthood, is to work less, relax more and have fun. Moreover, it is not so important where to work, as long as they pay more. This, of course, is complete madness, because work takes up a very significant part of our lives, and doing it simply so that there is enough money for recreation and entertainment is, to say the least, stupid. Because work can also be a source of joy and great satisfaction.
One of our parishioners, talking with her daughter about choosing a profession, said: “It is not so important where you will work, the main thing is that it benefits people.”
You should not fall into despair and despondency if your child is in transitional age shows disobedience and is ready to argue with you with foam at the mouth. You just need to go through this period, armed with patience, love and parental prayer. If you truly loved your child in childhood, he was happy in his parents' house, when he becomes an adult, he will definitely remember parental advice and instructions with gratitude.
