How to find a common language with children. How to find a common language with a child in adolescence

I remember the day I turned 13. It had just passed midnight, and I was already happy with my new age. It was a nice excuse to take a break from preparing for the exam. And I remember how my mother then sighed: “Well, everything, now it will begin ...” I was hurt to hear this.

I never gave my mom much trouble. And I remember deciding in that moment: “No, I will not be like other difficult teenagers, I will be good.” She challenged herself.

But the trick of adolescence is precisely that sooner or later everything that is connected with it must be lived through. And now I don’t know what kind of teenager I would want to be if I turned 13 again.

What is the age of transition?It can be conditionally designated that from 13 to 18 years old. But the main thing is not the numbers, but the essence: this is the age of TRANSITION from childhood to adolescence. I would say that this is the transformation of a child into a small adult. This is a terribly difficult time: precisely because desires and opportunities are sometimes already like those of an adult, and there are still no skills to deal with these desires and opportunities properly. Love, money, sex, rock and roll, good and evil. Do whatever you want. Where to begin? And in our culture, this period also coincides with the time when you need to take exams and choose a profession!

How to survive the transitional age? Experience it with your child. Do not be afraid to ask yourself all the same questions that he asks out loud.

We adults PRETEND THAT WE DON'T UNDERSTAND THEM, pretend that we know the answers to their questions. It's like we don't ask ourselves.

• And why study if there are so many useless subjects or if the teachers teach badly and themselves are poorly versed in the subject?
• And what is the meaning of life? Does he exist? Why fight when you can die?
• But what if I always seem fat to myself and generally want to change everything in appearance?
• And how would you take it and get rich? Let me think of something like this now, so that later I can lie on the couch all my life and not work.
• And why be kind to people if they then betray or do not appreciate what you did to them?
• Is smoking really that bad? There Uncle Tolya has been smoking since the age of 15, and nothing.
• How to be friends with cool, successful people? Why do they need me?

Try to answer these questions. A real answer, not a lecture on how to live right. Well, what are you, baby, don’t scare me like that, it’s important to study, try, ”etc. etc. Can you talk about your doubts on this topic? Can you remember how you yourself looked for the answer to this question ... and did not find it? Can you even answer these questions for yourself?

When , sometimes I can very clearly see that some topic, a person’s problem is purely teenage. This does not mean that he behaves like a child, not at all, this is not bad. And yet, it's kind of a puzzle from there. For example, embarrassment to travel in public transport: it seems that everyone is looking at you. It’s embarrassing to ask the aunt who is sitting next to you in the transport to get off your coat. It's scary to loudly ask for a stop in a minibus. And this is just one example.

Do you understand what I'm getting at? The transitional age in children can be perceived especially painfully, because some topics still resonate with us adults.

Teenagers are like little adults who came to our planet with some other of their own, and trying to understand why and why we live the way we live. Many of their questions that seem stupid and snooty are the mostreal. The guys at these moments, asking questions, experimenting and observing, draw conclusions that will guide them for many, many more years.

What can help to perceive the problems of adolescence a little easier?

Support from an adult. The most the best way if this adult isif you are a mom; or, if you are a father, it will be great if your wife, the mother of your underage, supports you. What is the point of support here is not to work together on the fragile mind of the protest child, but to support YOU PERSONALLY in the fact that the child has already grown up and lives his own life. There is no longer that little charming child. He was gone at some point. Now there is some other person. He looks like that kid. But this is a different person.

IT'S TERRIBLE TO LET HE BE AN ADULT. But what about him without me? And what am I without him?

Generally speaking, adolescence in children is oftenfamily crisisfor a married couple.

After all, this is a personal experience: I am a parent who no longer needs my child as much as before. This is what worries about relationships: it seems that our child no longer needs us as often as before ... i.e. looks like we're alone... what are we going to do? What shall we talk about?

Despite the fact that it sounds quite easy, many spouses do not manage to survive this crisis.All their lives they continue to attract the child back home, luring him with cookies and feelings of guilt ... simply because it is really hard for them to find themselves again in this life (without a child), and themselves in these in a sense.

To particularly anxious parents, my advice may seem like overkill.indifferent, but if you find an interesting hobby for yourself or ask your friends to properly distract you with something interesting, the problems of children and the problems of adolescence cease to be so disturbing.

Transitional age. How to behave as parents.

If a teenager has some adequate adult to whom he trusts with whom you can just discuss some life difficulties (pimples on the nose, jealousy, diet, fights at school, envy of Sasha from 11a, ways to find your party, sex , anxiety due to exams and oral presentations at the blackboard ...) - this is the best prevention in the world of early suicides, abortions, depression, sexually transmitted diseases, aggressive behavior, theft, etc.

By the way, if you have a child of a transitional age among your closest friends or relatives, then maybe he is looking for just someone like you, so that he can sometimes talk heart to heart. Still, conversations with parents who are trying to limit, control, teach do not always turn out to be sincere, no matter how hard you try.

How to find a common language with a child in adolescence? Stop treating him like a child.

I don’t want to upset you, but it’s too late to educate at this age.But there is a paradox here. Transitional age is that amazing period when parents are actually still very important. Maybe even more important than ever. But, firstly, it is already more difficult to tell parents about this - after all, you need to somehow separate and feel self-sufficient, smart, separate. And secondly, no matter how significant they are, the educational process in its usual form no longer works. Any ban they can bypass.

What to do? Tell stories. About myself. Sharing doubts, not morality.Sharing that you, too, would not mind being lazy, skipping, get passive income from somewhere and look like a superstar in the mirror. But not everything and not always develops as you want, and not all your own efforts lead to success. Teenagers listen with great respect, awe and gratitude to the stories of people they respect, stories that do not end with clumsy morality.

But how to survive the transitional age in children, if you really want to educate, control, motivate in a given direction and you can’t completely calm anxiety?..You can deal with teenagers.Again, sales skills will not interfere.

That is, your client, the child in this case, should as a result of your (commercial) suggestions to become interested in learning better, smoking less, returning home earlier, etc. He must understand what benefits REALLY shine for him in this matter. You won't be able to deceive him. You must sincerely “sell” to him good image life. Naturally, this will work out best for you if you yourself confess it sincerely. But still, the decision is his.

Well, the last. If you have agreed on something with the child, strictly observe these conditions YOURSELF. Because I have met families more than once where the planned plan failed, not because the teenager violated something, but because the parents at some point did not fulfill their obligations under the contract. The child is really interested in negotiating with you, because he still depends on you. Well, if you do not comply with the terms of the contract, then here the question already arises ... who actually has a transitional age?

I wish you success,
Elena Zaitova, your psychologist.

Quite often, parents face difficulties in raising their child. This problem often occurs in transitional age offspring. The son or daughter begins to ignore the parents, shows character and tries to prove that he/she has matured. In this case, do not give up and leave the situation to chance.

Important aspects in raising a teenager

1. To avoid quarrels and misunderstandings, you need to learn to accept a teenager as a mature personality. Let's understand that you are his support. Educate in such a way that the child sees the father as the head of the family. Such a psychological move in the future will allow you to respect you as parents.
2. Do not put pressure on the child, try to become friends for him. Gain trust, give advice, not decrees. Listen to the position and opinion, sometimes leave the teenager alone.
3. Respect your child's feelings and privacy. In the process of raising children, forget about lengthy instructive lectures, they are useless. Try to enter into a dialogue, with this action you will achieve much more.

How to get your teenager to do homework

1. Encourage your teenager to do homework. Clearly explain that education will be useful to him. If your child already has a lucid dream, feed it. Let's understand, by following step by step, eventually he will achieve everything he wants.
2. Do not justify execution homework the fact that "so it is necessary!". Such an argument will only repel a teenager. In adolescence, children are extremely categorical. Therefore, find a delicate approach to the child.
3. Find out what problems he may have at school with teachers or peers. In this case, the teenager should see support in you. Don't wait for the problem to be solved on your own. So things can only get worse.
4. Remember yourself at that age with similar difficulties, and how you needed the support of your parents.

Teen smoking cessation

1. Overcoming the transitional age, the child is often faced with the choice of the company. The fate depends on his actions. In order to prevent a teenager from developing addictions, parents should set a good example.
2. If you lead a healthy lifestyle, teaching children to follow your example from childhood, in the future, a teenager will bypass bad companies.
3. At the slightest opportunity, send your child to any sports section. In dealing with peers who lead a healthy lifestyle, a teenager does not want to stoop to the level of people with addictions.
4. Communicate more with your child, do not give instructive notations. By chance, you can give examples from life or show sparing photos from the Internet about the consequences of bad habits.
5. Take advantage psychological method, indicate the positions of what healthy people more civilized, and those who neglect their health lead a miserable existence.
6. Temper the spirit of a teenager, his strong psycho-emotional state will not allow himself to be destroyed for the sake of primitive pleasures. From time to time say motivating statements, for example, “In a healthy body, a healthy mind”, etc.
7. Get active on the weekends. This will allow you to start a new life if you previously had problems with bad habits. If possible, go out of town, play ball, swim in the reservoirs.
8. In winter, go sledding, skating, skiing or snowboarding, make snowmen. Such actions will not only help build relationships with a teenager, but also strengthen the family as a whole.
9. Try not to forbid anything to the child, because in adolescence, children act contrary to their parents. Explain in simple terms who he can turn into when using harmful substances.

1. To avoid conflicts and misunderstandings with the child, it is worth distributing responsibilities in advance. Agree that the teenager should clean his room himself, there should be no talk of any "creative mess". Teach your child to be responsible and independent. It will come in handy in his adult life.
2. Collaborate rather than command your teen when sharing responsibilities, try to clean up together. Thus, you can clean each one in your territory. Ask your child to help you more often, such a move will make the child feel needed. Remind them of the promises they made.
3. Communicate more when cooking, let the offspring make contact with you. Do not pretend to be harsh and strict parents, as a rule, it is in such families that children in adolescence go against the "ancestors". Thus, connecting with bad companies, gradually slide down and degrade.

How to raise a difficult teenager

1. Before embarking on strict parenting, find out the root cause of disobedience. Look at your relationship with your child. Perhaps he simply does not have enough attention and care from his parents.
2. There are quite a few reasons. To begin with, try to communicate with the child heart to heart. It is possible that bad behavior is caused by disagreements and frequent quarrels between parents. In this case, the offspring feels unnecessary. He is not given due attention, parents are less and less interested in the personal life of their child.
3. Start analyzing your relationship with your husband. Never blame a child for quarrels between parents. Try to sort things out in the absence of a teenager. Make up, walking towards each other, nothing should upset you. Before everyone native person convey that a strong family will overcome all difficulties.
4. Gradually build back your teen's trust. On the this procedure It will take a lot of time, but the result will be positive. The child is going downhill mainly due to family troubles. Don't allow it. Get together in a cozy evening, have a family dinner, view photos, start a heart-to-heart conversation.
5. Give the father the opportunity to strictly but wisely raise the child. At the same time, be loving parents, do not let the child doubt it. Show that everything is done only for good.
6. Strictness should not be manifested in everything, resort to it only in extreme cases. For example, when doing homework or when cleaning the room. "Fulfilled duties, you can spend your free time at your discretion."

1. Give your child warmth and care without any conditions. The child must understand that it is unacceptable to upset loving parents. After all, it is the family that will never betray him and will support him in any situation.
2. Respect the choice of a teenager, whatever he does (within reason). Teach your child to solve problems as they come along with the family, because it’s hard to cope alone.
3. In turn, parents should not stand still, otherwise you will “fade out”. Develop, the child must understand that your married couple serves as a standard for him. Such a move will not only bring you closer to your teenager, but will also strengthen your relationship with your spouse. Try to make plans for the week ahead.
4. It is not necessary to spend a lot of money, go to the park to get some air, visit cinemas and theaters. Discuss plots and characters. Remember your youth and feel like teenagers. Be sure the family will live new life, depressing life will soon disappear. Do not look for excuses that such actions are beyond your power, supposedly there is no money, time.
5. If you really want to, you can find time for absolutely everything, no one forces you to spend the last money. Spend evenings with the whole family not in a home environment. Try to avoid frequent teachings and orders against the will of the child.

How to get along with your daughter

1. First of all, a mother should establish relations with a teenager daughter. The child is more drawn to female gender seeing support and support. Do not miss the moment when your daughter wants to consult with you. Become a friend for a teenager, share your secrets. Such a move will allow you to gain the trust of the child.
2. In some situations, the daughter trusts the father more. It happens that it is easier to discuss certain topics with him. In any case, parents must educate the child correctly. Also, communicate a lot, learn as much as possible about personal life, teach the child to be independent. A mother should teach her daughter all the subtleties of household chores.
3. The father, in turn, is obliged to explain that you need to have character and be able to answer offenders if something happens. Also, a teenager should see the protection from the dad. In the future, he will become the standard of a man for his daughter. She wants to have the same strong and loving family who raised her.

1. The father should take care of the upbringing of the son. Thus, a grown man will pass on his best qualities and life experience for the child. From childhood, the father needs to temper the character of the offspring so that the son can stand up for himself and protect the weak.
2. Between two men, a trusting and close relationship should be formed, like that of siblings. The child will always be sure that dad will take his side in any case. Do not try to be excessively strict, communicate with the child and guide him.
3. The father is obliged to teach his son to do everything with his own hands, to do household chores and eradicate laziness. The common cause is best suited for such purposes. For example, men can work together in the sports section, make repairs, assemble a car or motorcycle.
4. Teach your child to be responsible from childhood, but never tell your son that it's time to grow up. Such a mistake is the deepest delusion. The offspring should enjoy childhood to the fullest, do not deprive him of such an opportunity. Children are growing up quickly anyway. When a child grows up, the realization comes that the wonderful and carefree years have passed too quickly.
5. As for the mother, she should show warmth, tenderness, love. My son needs that kind of attention. In the future, when choosing a companion, he will focus precisely on the similar behavior of the girl.

Try to talk more with the child, build relationships in any way. Find out what is the cause of dissatisfaction or bad mood. Most importantly, do not leave your teenager unattended. Always fight for your child in any situation, do not try to give up. Help with homework if your child is struggling. Give advice to your daughter, raise your son to be a strong and strong-willed man.

Video: how to find a common language with a teenager

In the process of daily interaction with children, adults often find themselves in a difficult situation when they do not understand the actions and actions of the child. Even the most obedient children in crisis periods their development become uncontrollable and at such moments it is very difficult to find with them mutual language. This material will help parents, teachers - all adults understand their children and learn how to interact with them.

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How to find a common language with a child?

Often adults find themselves in a situation where they do not understand their children - their actions and deeds. Children, sometimes even the most obedient, become uncontrollable, it is difficult to find a common language with them, to agree on something.

If there is no building of benevolent, conflict-free relations, then most often children who “do not know how to behave properly”, “do not respect adults”, “have become uncontrollable”, etc. are most often considered guilty.

In most cases, there are no individual problems of the child. The so-called "problems of the child" (rudeness, deceit, aggression) are problems of relations between adults (parents, relatives, teachers) with children.

What to do? How to find an approach to a child? How to build a relationship with him? The search for answers to these and similar questions is connected, firstly, with knowledge general rules organization of interaction with children, and secondly, with an understanding of the age-related patterns of development of the child's personality at different stages of his life path.

The basis of effective interaction with children of different ages is emotional relationships that are built onaffection of the child and the reciprocal feelings of adults.V.V. Stolin identifies three parameters of relationships that affect the manifestation of parents' love for their child: 1) sympathy - antipathy; 2) respect - disrespect; 3) proximity - remoteness.

Based on these parameters, it is possible to describe sometypes of parental love.

1. Real love- the most optimal relationship option, which combines sympathy, respect and closeness: "I want my child to be happy, and I will help him in this."
2. detached love- parents feel sympathy and respect for the child, but in communication with him a great distance remains: “What a wonderful child I have, sorry. That I don't have time to talk to him."
3. Real pity- there is sympathy, closeness, but there is no respect: “My child is not like everyone else. Although my child is not smart enough and physically developed, he is still my child and I love him. Herecondescending withdrawal love(sympathy, disrespect, large interpersonal distance): “You can’t blame my child for not being smart and physically developed enough.”
4. Rejection and contempt- the most traumatic version of the relationship, in which the child feels antipathy, disrespect from the parents, unwillingness to communicate with him: "This child makes me feel unpleasant and unwilling to deal with him." With such an attitude, the child feels unloved, disappointed, afraid of being rejected by other people.

The presented typology of parental relations with children can also be used to characterize the interaction between teachers and children. It is important to feel that they treat him with sympathy, respect him and want to interact with him. To build such confidence, it is necessary tounconditional acceptance rule(rule of "three P").

1. Understanding - means the ability to see the child "from the inside", the ability to look at the world through the eyes of a child.
2. Adoption - this is a positive attitude towards the child, his personality, regardless of whether he pleases adults at the moment or not, accepting him as he really is, perhaps not too smart, causing a lot of trouble and trouble. Acceptance is understood as the recognition of the child's right to individuality, dissimilarity to others, including dissimilarity to parents. To form a child's sense of acceptance by adults, negative assessments of personality and character traits should be abandoned.: "That's stupid! Are you stupid? How many times can you explain!
3. Recognition is giving the child the right to solve certain problems, the right to an advisory vote. This principle does not mean the sameness of an adult and a child, but the equivalence of their needs and desires. Instead of statements like “Put this on ...”, “Let it lie there ...”, it is better to offer the child an alternative, a choice: “What to give you - this or that?”

To express a positive attitude to the child, to show him that he is heard and understood, adults can, using in communicationrules for effective listening, formulated by Yu.B. Gippenreiter.

1. Set aside time to spend with your child.Listen to him carefully, without being distracted by extraneous matters, react to this or that information that the child reports (gestures, facial expressions, questions).
2. Be patient when children cannot immediatelythen say. They need more time to put their thoughts into phrases. And when children are overwhelmed with emotions, the process becomes even more difficult.
3. Be aware of the impression and impact your words can have on the child.. Children are very sensitive to comments, including non-verbal expressions of emotions. Tone of voice, facial expression, furrowed eyebrows - all affect how the child perceives the reaction of an adult.
4. Ask questions to show your interest and involvement.
5. Use the formula "I- messages. “When you…(the child’s actions), I feel…(my feelings) because…(an explanation of why the child’s actions evoke the described feelings). I would like to ... (description of the desired course of events). For example: “When you interrupt me during the lesson, I get angry because your questions prevent me from concentrating and explaining. new theme. I wanted you to ask questions after my explanation.”

The application of effective communication rules promotes open, trusting relationship with children and allow you to feel understanding and acceptance from adults.

Common mistakes when communicating with children

1. orders, commands: “Now stop it!”, “Put it away!”, “Shut up!”. Such words evoke feelings of powerlessness, and even "abandonment in trouble." In response, children usually resist, "mumble", take offense, and become stubborn.
2. Warnings, warnings, threats: "If you don't stop crying, I'll leave"; “Look how it doesn’t get worse”; “Once again this will happen again, and I will take the belt!”. Most often, threats are meaningless, as they do not contain information on how to correct the situation. And with frequent repetition, children get used to

and stop responding to them.

1. Morals, morals, sermons: "You must behave decently", "You must respect adults." Children feel the pressure of external authority, sometimes guilt, sometimes boredom.
2. Tips, ready-made solutions: "And you take it and say ...", "I would have surrendered my change in your place ...". Behind the negative reaction of the child is the desire to be independent, to make decisions on his own.
3. Evidence, arguments, notations, "lectures": “It’s time to know that before eating you need to wash your hands; “You get distracted endlessly, and that’s where you make mistakes.” A situation arises that psychologists call a “semantic barrier” or “psychological deafness.”
4. Criticism, reprimands, accusations: "What is it like!"; "It's all because of you!"; "I shouldn't have hoped for you!" They cause in children either attack, denial, anger; or despondency, depression, disappointment in oneself. The child develops low self-esteem(I am bad, weak-willed, hopeless, loser).
5. Immeasurable Praise: “Well done, you are just a genius!”, “You are the most beautiful with us!”. A child can become addicted to praise, wait for it, look for it (“Why didn’t you praise me today?”). Or he may suspect you of insincerity, that you praise him for some reason of your own. It's much better to express your feelings sincerely, such as "I'm so happy for you."
6. Name calling, ridicule: “Crybaby - wax!”, “Don’t be a noodle!”, “What a lazy person you are!”. Children are offended and defend themselves: “Let the noodles”, “Well, I will be like that!”.
7. conjectures, interpretations: “I know that this is all due to the fact that you ...”, “I suppose I got into a fight again ...”, “I see right through you ...”. The protective reaction of the child is the desire to get away from contact.
8. inquiry, investigation: “No, you still say!”, “I still find out!”. Gotta try interrogative sentences replace with affirmative ones. Instead of "Why are you angry?" say: "I feel that you are angry."
9. Sympathy in words, persuasion, exhortation. Sometimes the words "I understand you", "I sympathize with you", "Pay no attention", "It's okay" can sound too formal. The child may hear neglect of his worries, denial or downplaying of his experiences. Maybe just keep quiet, holding him close to you instead.

Thus, one of the main conditions for creating an atmosphere of trust in relationships with children is their unconditional acceptance by adults, as well as their ability to use communication skills, thanks to which children can feel that they are not only understood, but also respected. The above rules for building constructive communication are universal and can be used when interacting with children of different ages. But at the same time, it should be noted that at each stage of age development there are specific, typical for a given age, problems that adults face.

Preschooler: the difficulties of education

Children from 3 to 6 years old go through a colossal journey mental development. Preschool age is a period of mastering the social space of human relations through communication with adults, through play and real relationships with peers, the formation of a child's personality.

AT before school age the place of the child in the system of relations in the family changes. A child at the age of 3 years is experiencing a strong shock from his discovery: he is not the center of the universe. He also discovers that he is not the center of his family. He is especially shocked by the discovery that dad loves mom, and mom loves dad.

The baby became more independent, and the mother felt that she could deal with him less. Independence pleases the child. But he is not satisfied that his mother does not belong only to him. The same applies to dad. Now the child is given to understand that communication will be built differently than the interaction of the triangle: "mom - dad - baby." Such relationships do not quite suit the child. He is indignant, jealous, but forced to accept these new forms of communication. He keeps a close eye on his parents. And here new passions flare up: now he prefers one of the parents, then the other. Finally, these jealous forms of communication pass. A calm child loves both mom and dad.

There is a powerful need for the realization and approval of one's Self, which is expressed in crisis 3 years . The child has such vivid manifestations of the crisis as stubbornness, whims, negativism, causeless roar.

The most acutely experiencing the crisis are those children who are too patronized by adults, or those who live in an authoritarian upbringing with strict penalties. In both the first and second cases, the child's need for independence is suppressed - this is the main reason for the crisis of 3 years.

Another one specific feature of a preschoolerthat he spends most of his time in the game. No other activity at this age contributes to development like a game. Through playing different stories and situations, the child begins to understand the relationship between people, the rules of these relationships, to understand the diverse world of human emotions and desires. In a joint game there is an exchange of experience. The psychological changes noted above can lead parents and educators to face some of the typical problems in communicating and raising children. Let's consider some of them in more detail.

Children's aggression, its causes.

1. Aggressive behavior of adults themselves- children's aggressiveness arises as a result of imitation of the actions of parents, other adults, whose behavior they observe.

What to do?

It is important that children see examples of peaceful behavior. It is impossible to demonstrate outbursts of anger or unflattering statements about someone in the presence of a child.

1. Lack of love for a child- the child's aggressive actions are nothing more than an attempt to attract the attention of parents.

What to do?

It is important to spend enough time with the child, guided by the principle “pay attention not when he is angry and aggressive, but, on the contrary, in situations where he is friendly and calm”, thereby showing that he receives attention and love from adults. can be obtained in another way. Do not be shy to caress or pity the child once again. It must be remembered that at this age, feelings expressed through touch, stroking and other forms of tactile contact are much more important for the child than attempts by an adult to explain something with the help of words.

1. Protest against actions, prohibitions of adults- a protest against the restriction of his independence, excessive guardianship by adults.

What to do?

Adults should remember that at every age a child needs to experience a sense of personal independence, which is formed by performing independent actions: "I am what I can do myself." Determine those actions, responsibilities that the child can handle on their own and do not interfere in their implementation. Give the child pleasure. Let him experience a sense of pride in himself, brag about the fact that he helped wash the dishes or clean up his toys.

1. Lack of communication skillsaggressive actions are aimed at attracting the attention of others, making contact with them. Aggression is a consequence of the child's unmet need for communication.

What to do?

Teach your child non-aggressive ways to connect with other children. Adults should show the child how to get to know unfamiliar children, how to play games together. the best way is an example of the adult himself, which he demonstrates to the child.

Shyness and its causes

Shyness - this is a state of mind and the behavior of a person caused by it, the characteristic features of which are: indecision, fearfulness, tension, stiffness and awkwardness in society due to self-doubt. The following can be considered as causes of children's shyness.

1. Strong attachment of the child to the mother.The child's shyness is caused by the fear of "separation" from the mother. The mother lives in the interests of the child, or rather, instead of him.

What to do?

It is necessary to expand the circle of communication of the child, bring him to unfamiliar places, introduce him to new people. A more active position should be taken by the father, since it is on him that the function of social expansion of the child's social experience lies. In this case, the emotional distance from the mother is less traumatic for the child, since there is a very important person nearby - the father. The task of adults is to show the child that the world around him is safe, he can be trusted.

1. Lack of social experience, inability to resolve difficult situations in communication.At the heart of shyness is an inability to cope with the new demands that a situation of expanding social interaction offers him.

Children's whims

Moody is a violent manifestation of anger and anger when a child screams, cries, stamps his feet, rolls on the floor, throws things, kicks, bites, scratches and even tries to hurt himself.

Causes

1. Excessive care against the background of complete permissiveness on the part of parents.The child is surrounded by excessive care and attention, any of his desires and whims are satisfied. At the same time, there is no clear system of requirements and prohibitions, "everything is allowed for a child." In this case, any action on the part of adults that is contrary to the intentions of the child causes a violent protest.

What to do?

Adults must develop a clear system of requirements and monitor their implementation. It is important that the requirements are proportionate to the age of the child, and their observance is controlled by all adults who are involved in the upbringing. There should not be ambiguous situations when "mother does not allow, but with grandmother it is possible." If there is a system of requirements and control over their implementation, then the child has no reason to be capricious - he understands the "rules of the game".

1. Limitation of vital interests and needs with which the child cannot come to terms.In this case, on the contrary, practically nothing is impossible for the child. The essential necessities of life are not being met. For example, a child of 5-6 years old is instructed by an adult to “stand still!”. Naturally, after a while, he will begin to act up and show disobedience.

What to do?

It should be analyzed to what extent the requirements put forward by the child are feasible, taking into account the age characteristics of children. Does their implementation require excessive stress from the child? Are important vital necessities affected by this? Usually in these cases it is recommended to "switch the child's attention" to another type of activity, to find other ways to meet the important needs of this age.

1. Attracting the attention of parents as a kind of request for help, intervene. Whims are a fairly common way to attract attention.

What to do?

As in the case with aggressive behavior, adults need to "retrain" the child in more effective, acceptable ways to get attention, giving him numerous signs of sympathy and support in those cases when he is not capricious, "behaves well."

Stubbornness

It is characterized by an active rejection of the demands of adults. The appearance of stubbornness may be due to the petty guardianship of adults or a dismissive attitude towards their desire to be independent.

Causes

1. Excessive severity, pressure from parents, parents' demand for unquestioning obedience of the child. Stubbornness manifests itself as a protest against the dictates of parents.

What to do?

An adult needs to analyze conflict situations. How important were the requirements that the child protested against? Is their implementation really important? The readiness of an adult for dialogue, the ability to yield, to listen to the opinion of another is one of the effective methods prevention of children's stubbornness, as the child gains experience in the ability to negotiate, to compromise.

1. Sudden change in a child's lifestyle.For example, the admission of a child to Kindergarten. These changes can be perceived by the child quite negatively, as they can interfere with the satisfaction of the child's needs (wants to sleep, but needs to get up; wants to play with the guys, but needs to go home). On the other hand, there may be a feeling of instability. For example, the birth of a brother or sister may be perceived by a child as a threat to his well-being in life. Stubbornness in this case is the child's protest against changes in the system of family relations.

What to do?

It is necessary to convey to the child the essence of the changes that have taken place, to acquaint him with the new rules that correspond to the changed situation.

* * *

Finishing the discussion of the psychological characteristics of a preschooler, it should be noted that adults should not forget about the importance of joint activities, joint games and activities. Unfortunately, many parents do not play with their children and see nothing wrong with that. They believe that it is more important to teach a child to read and write, and the game is empty entertainment. The fallacy of such reasoning is evidenced by the fact that it is the game of preschool period is for the child the activity in which qualities important for the further development of the child are formed.

Junior student: problems of interaction

Junior school age (from 6 - 7 to 10 - 11 years old) - last period childhood. At this age, the child begins to lose his childish spontaneity in behavior, he has a different logic of thinking.

Children of 7 years of age have a pronounced desire to take a new, more “adult” position in life. In the conditions of school education, this is realized in the striving for the social position of the student and learning as a new socially significant activity. It is this need that determines the reasons for the emergence of the next age-relatedcrisis of seven years. It is connected with the fact that the child is no longer satisfied with the previous way of life, he wants to take the position of a schoolboy. If the transition to a new position does not occur in a timely manner, then the dissatisfaction arises in children, which determines the behavior of the child in the corresponding critical period.

A child who enters school automatically occupies a new place in the system of human relations: he has permanent responsibilities associated with educational activities. The interests and values ​​of the child change. Everything related to learning activities(first of all, marks) turns out to be valuable, what is connected with the game is less important. Leading at primary school age becomeseducational activity. Within the framework of educational activity, psychological neoplasms are formed. At this age, the appearance of such an important neoplasm asrandom behavior,which means the ability of the child to subordinate his actions to the model and follow the instructions of an adult. The child becomes more independent, he chooses how to act in certain situations. This behavior is based on moral motives: he absorbs moral values, tries to follow certain rules and laws.

Another innovation -planning the results of action and reflection.The child is able to evaluate his act in terms of its results and thereby change his behavior, plan it accordingly. He can already overcome desires in himself if they do not meet certain standards or do not lead to the goal.

The younger student hasemotional sensitivity,responsiveness to everything unusual and bright, but emotions no longer succeed each other so easily and are not as clearly manifested as in preschool age. If a preschooler quickly forgot about troubles, switching to something joyful, then a younger student can experience failure for a long time and hide his feelings. At this age, complexes may arise - complex feelings of humiliation, offended pride, inferiority, or, conversely, feelings of self-importance, exclusivity. Therefore, the child gradually begins to lose its spontaneity. He is still quite open to adults, but no longer always shows his true feelings and desires, sometimes he tries to disguise the reasons for his actions.

At this age, the child has already achieved a lot in interpersonal relationships. The authority of an adult is gradually lost, and by the end of primary school age, peers begin to acquire more and more importance for the child, and the role of the children's community increases.

Difficulties of primary school age

Anxiety

A typical manifestation of anxiety in elementary school student is school anxiety. It manifests itself in various fears and experiences of the student, for example. Fear of being rejected in a team, fear of evaluation, fear of a teacher, etc. experiencing one's compliance with collective standards, rules, norms of behavior is accompanied by expressed feeling guilt in case of imaginary or real deviations. It is possible to designate the following causes that increase the level of anxiety of children of primary school age.

1. Exaggerated demands from adults that the child cannot meet. The change in the social status of the child with the beginning of schooling leads to the fact that adults begin to treat him differently. It seems to them that he is now an "adult" and should know a lot. For example, many parents find it difficult to get used to the fact that their child is not the best student in the class. They force him to do a lot, which leads to overstrain of the child, fatigue. without seeing positive result, adults blame the child for what happened, yell at him and even use physical punishment, which leads to a worsening of the situation, increasing the child's anxiety and causing him a persistent fear of school.

What to do?

You need to be calm about the possible school failures of the child, to help him. It is important to encourage the child. He must be sure that there is an adult nearby who is always ready to help. It is necessary to teach the child to always talk about his worries. It is better to prepare an anxious child in advance for changes and important events. Helps overcome anxiety body contact- pat him on the head, hug him, put him on his knees. The teacher can express support for the child by touching the child's shoulder (patting on the shoulder).

1. Conflicting demands of parents and school. In this situation, the child does not know how to behave in this or that situation, he is afraid of being punished by one of the parties.

What to do?

Parents should be made aware of school rules parent meetings, inform parents about all the changes that have occurred in the last period. It is unacceptable for parents to express dissatisfaction with the teacher in the presence of the child, to speak unflatteringly about him, and the teacher should not allow critical statements about the child's parents. All disputes should be resolved between parents and teachers.

1. Increased anxiety as a personal feature of the child.We are talking about increased emotional sensitivity, which manifests itself in extreme susceptibility to opinions and assessments from adults. Such students, as a rule, are guided not by the result of educational activity, but by the assessment of the teacher. What matters to them is not how they did the work, but what the teacher said. It seems to them that if the teacher “didn’t ask when I raised my hand” or “didn’t look in my direction”, then he “doesn’t love me”, “he treats me badly.”

What to do?

It is important to create conditions both in the family and at school under which the assessment of the personality of the student himself would be excluded, and the result of his activity would be evaluated.

The increased anxiety of children, as a rule, is a consequence of the excessive anxiety of their parents. Children seem to absorb from their parents that “the world is hostile, we are surrounded by ill-wishers”, and the school for such children becomes “a place of increased danger”. You can’t intimidate a child with school, I use the following expressions: “Here you go to school, then you will find out ...”, “at school they will show you ...”, “the teacher will not stand on ceremony with you ...”.

Lie

Children's lies in primary school age are quite common. Following P. Ekman, let's consider the most common causes of children's lies.

1. Lying as a desire to avoid punishment.

What to do?

An adult needs to analyze the existing system of punishments and prohibitions and reduce their number if there are too many of them. It is necessary to discuss with the child the consequences of certain actions so that he can make an informed choice. Adults need to try to react more calmly to various situations, not to dramatize them. It is important that children feel that adults are ready to listen, understand and forgive them. So, for example, in a situation where a child has lost an expensive phone, parents may swear a lot, but this is unlikely to return the phone or help the child become more collected. It’s more correct in this situation to let him feel the consequences of his lack of concentration: “I’m sorry that you lost your phone. We'll have to put off buying a bike and buy you new phone". Most often, children are not afraid of the consequences of certain actions, but of the adult's reaction to them.

1. Lies as a desire to avoid the fear of humiliation.At the heart of this type of lie is shame, the child’s awareness of the “wrongness” of his act. The child in this case is guided by the desire to protect himself, to maintain a positive attitude towards himself. For example, it is easier for a child to confess a perfect deed to a teacher than to do it publicly in front of the whole class.

What to do?

In such situations, it is important to allow the child to "save face". You should not demand from him public repentance, an apology. You need to discuss with him the situation that has arisen and how to get out of it. It is better if the conversation contains not only condemnation, but also bewilderment: “How could this happen?”. This informs the child that the adult is surprised by what happened, because he did not expect this from him, which means that he perceives this fact as an exception that is not characteristic of this child.

1. Lies as a desire to improve one's social status. At the heart of this type of lie is the desire to look more important and attractive in the eyes of others. For example, a story about your fictional successes in school. The basis of such behavior is often an unsatisfied need for attention from parents or other significant people, a desire to meet their requirements, at least in their fantasies.

What to do?

It is very important for a child to feel his importance, usefulness in the family, among his peers. The task of adults is to help the child find acceptable ways to meet this need. It is necessary to praise children for their successes, even if sometimes not the same as their peers. Don't compare your child to a more successful friend or classmate. It is important to emphasize the merits of the child himself, to find applications for them, thereby emphasizing his significance and necessity.

1. Lies to prevent invasion of privacy. This type of lie occurs in the case of excessive guardianship of children by parents, when the latter deprive the child of the right to the privacy of his inner world.

What to do?

The child needs to be able to think about his own experiences, to comprehend them without external interference.

* * *

Summing up the above, it can be noted that children should always feel in psychological safety. No matter what bad mark you get, no matter what act you do, there are adults nearby who will understand and help. Only in this case, you can not be afraid that the child will skip school, erase marks in the diary and will not want to study at all. If adults are able to teach a child to trust them, to discuss difficult life situations, then this can become the basis for further constructive relationships at the next stage of development of the child's personality, which is characterized as the most difficult and conflicting period - adolescence.

“A child has his own special ability to see, think and feel; there is nothing more stupid than trying to replace their skill with ours.

Jean Jacques Rousseau

One of the most important functions of creativity is to enable children to express what they do not yet know how to say in words. You can show your feelings, especially if they are unacceptable (for example, anger at an adult), as well as demonstrate your impressions and emotions. Thus, creativity is vital for the emotional and cognitive growth of the individual. In addition, the discussion of a new work enhances the impression of its creation, which ultimately contributes to development.

Helping kids talk about their creativity can sometimes be tricky. It depends on many terms, such as the age of the child and his verbal abilities. To express emotions, children usually use everything they can, from facial expressions to body language. Even spontaneous play will most often be wordless. Perhaps with the addition of some sounds, but without words. At the same time, it doesn’t matter if a child plays with toys just like that or there are roles for dolls and figurines.

Art for children is a peculiar, but natural language, which also develops according to its own laws. Toddlers move from doodles to more mindful pictures and then to realistic drawing and modeling. For young children, images that adults will find strange are normal. They use unrealistic proportions (for example, when a person is much larger than a house) and completely unimaginable colors. Adults try to see something definite in children's work, but this is unnatural for kids.

How to talk with a child about his work? Here are some tips.

Accept what is created

The first and most important thing in a conversation with a child is to accept what he has created, whether it is a scribble or a meaningful image. It doesn't matter if you understand his work or not.

Don't ask what it is

The question “What is this?” Asked about scribbles does not make any sense to the child, although he can meet you halfway and say what it is, even if he still does not know how to name his drawings. In addition, if the child has drawn or sculpted something specific and assumes that you will immediately see it, such a question may disappoint and even upset him.

Don't try to guess

Do you want to be responsive parents and understand what is shown to you? This is fine. For you. But guessing what the child has drawn, whether general (“This is a house!”) Or specific (“This is a grandmother's house!”), Is not entirely good. Adults are often unable to "read" the drawing.

Maintain

If you want to boost your child's self-confidence and increase their desire to show you their work, welcome their efforts to do so. Tell him how you like what he drew or sculpted, especially if your emotions are sincere.

However, you should not praise everything that the child creates - he may think that your approval is feigned or that you do not understand anything. I'm not suggesting that you criticize him, just be honest.

Listen baby

If the child wants to describe what he is doing or drawing, listen carefully, but try not to interfere. Only in this case, the created work will be truly the creation of your child. Otherwise, you may unwittingly influence the process or result.

Ask open-ended questions

When you ask a child about what he does, you show respect for him and his work. And also learn all the most important things. In addition, the child will learn to think about what he is doing. “Open” I mean questions that do not offer answers and do not contain them (this is not pedagogical, because you will project your thoughts onto the work of the child). Ask, for example: “Can you tell me about your drawing?”

Questions like these can spark a new creative process. If the child answers, “It’s a human,” you can suggest options to help them refine their idea. For example, ask if this is a child or an adult, a boy or a girl, how old this person is, what he thinks about. What happened to him before he was drawn? What will happen next? Etc. This is how you stimulate your child's imagination.

Based on the book "Creative Education"

Article provided publishing house "MIF.Childhood"

Hal Wan`t "Creative Education" To buy in Labyrinth.ru

Question to a psychologist

I have two children, a 5.5-year-old boy and a 7-year-old girl. My daughter is very smart, helps, and is responsible. I can’t understand why all my comments and requests are so ignored until I start screaming, this year I don’t recognize myself and them, as if the children were replaced. Everything you don’t ask for, the answer is “now”, “later”, with lessons it’s generally a problem. We went to a tutor, now we go to school, she is praised everywhere, she doesn’t want to do her homework, she throws tantrums, this is generally a huge problem with reading. They fight to the point of tears. They don’t understand a calm voice at all, you try to talk calmly, calm down, distract with something, zero emotions. The son generally speaks in such a way with some obscene words, but sometimes he flies out, but not like what I hear from him. And explained, and gave on the lips, and deprived of toys, it's useless. So the boy himself is kind, not greedy, gentle. We have financial limitations, so I rarely buy toys, and it’s so insulting that in a few days, or even on this day, the toys will end. What should I do, how to find a common one with them language, how to be an authority for them? how to punish - deprivation of toys, walking - is this a method at all?

Toys - you are not very satisfied with your work, it is financially difficult, and broken toys are an extra reminder.

Brother and sister live like a cat and a dog - are you and your husband going smoothly?

Good luck to you!

Love, hello. Try to live the life of your children at least a little, feel how they live in the space that you created for them? Restriction is also a method, but unfortunately its results are sometimes very deplorable in establishing contact with children. Children need to feel and sometimes try on their clothes for themselves (how they live in this and what you would like in their place, if you were at their age). And by and large, they need to be loved, and not bestowed or manipulated with toys, restrictions on their behavior. You understand that this is not love. Finding a contact in which they will hear you is an art. All the best to you, love them and see the fruits.

Let's go in order.

About the fact that children do not understand normal calm instructions on what to do and how to live. Mine don’t understand either, they think that they themselves know better when they should live to sleep or do their homework (the eldest is 10, the youngest is almost 4). I, too, was guilty for a long time when I had to scream, then relaxed. I realized that these are my needs (for them to go to bed on time, eat on time and do their homework) in relation to them, which arise from my adult awareness and knowledge of what is useful and what is “right”. Children can not(due to age and immaturity mental processes) are just as conscious about these things, they want to mess around, have fun and hang out instead of "useful" things, and this is normal. They will grow up and realize, but for now you have to make them brush their teeth every day and clean their room with at least some regularity. After reading a lot of smart books on this topic, I realized that parents should be more worried about just other children - who, at the first call, come running with the question "What do I need to do, mommy?" or who clean up after themselves toys or - even worse! - never scatter them during the game. And people like you and me are the norm. You just need to learn not to wait and not to demand from them what they cannot do yet - to be conscious about your life.

Now about the fact that they are fighting. This is also normal. Siblings (brothers and sisters growing up in the same family) are competitors (for the love, attention and money of parents), and competitors must compete. And they do it the best they can. The wisest thing here, in my opinion, is to interfere as little as possible in their quarrels. Let them find out for themselves who is right, make up their own minds, learn to live together and share resources. If you start doing it for them, they won't learn it. And if you are a "judge" and appoint the guilty and the victims, then you risk causing them a lot of aggression and resentment (both at yourself and at each other), because you cannot know how it really was. Your business is to ensure their physical safety during these quarrels, to teach this safety, and the rest is their business. They would not be aggressive at each other in childhood, they would be aggressive later, and then they could actually kill and cripple each other. So it's better to fight now.

About the swear words from my son. If you do it yourself, then your children will do it too. Double standards don't work here. Children will be guided not by words (forbidding abusive words), but by the actions of their parents.

And finally, about punishment. There are many points of view here (it is necessary to punish, it is not necessary to punish, and if punished, then how). Each parent chooses their own. I personally settled on such a strategy. I punish (for failure to comply with the rules and promises) only by deprivation of something important, but not paramount (TV, computer). Works. I do not punish for deuces, broken toys and torn clothes. Although I can grumble.

Of all the information that I have presented here, which is my personal view of your situation, I suggest that you take what suits you and what resonates with you when you think about it. Because the choice of how to educate and treat your children is yours. All the best, Elena.