The child does not want to study, to do Homework: What to do. What should parents do if a teenage child does not want to study: force or help - valuable advice from a psychologist Causes and their elimination

When a small puppy or cat shits on the carpet, they poke him with his muzzle in his kaku, so that he knows: it’s bad to do this. However, doing the same with a child is not an option. Therefore, parents seat the baby in front of them and begin to lecture him on morality. But it doesn't mean anything to a child. After listening to you carefully, he will again and again relieve himself where she overtakes him. It is much better to try to connect the pot in the child's imagination with something pleasant, for example, cartoons. That is, like this: I went past the pot - there will be no cartoons, I sat on the pot on my own - I got a tablet with the Teletubbies turned on.

Connect your imagination

Few children will volunteer to chew unleavened broccoli and carrots. But if you tell the baby that broccoli are such small trees, and the child himself is like a giant devouring them for his own pleasure, then things will go as they should. About carrots, we can say that with its help you can learn to see in the dark. Yes, this is a sneaky deception, but it's not really that mean, because carrots are good for the eyes. One way or another, the main thing is that the child gnaws it as often as possible.

Make a child laugh

If your baby goes into hysterics, nothing can stop him. It will be a howl more abruptly than the siren of a police car. But there is still one way to cut off children's moaning - you need to try to make the child laugh. Children's attention switches once or twice. Just now the baby was yelling as if his leg had been cut off, but it is worth making him laugh - and the storm has passed. How exactly to make your child laugh is up to you to decide, because everyone has their own sense of humor. Sometimes it will be enough to show a rhythmically bent index finger, like: “Look, what a worm!” And in the other, you will have to play a whole scene with hilarious grimaces, ridiculous acrobatic stunts, etc.

Bewitch the child

When the child has calmed down, a new problem arises - how to put him to sleep. Some parents do not know how to accustom the baby to the regime, and just wait for him to fall asleep by himself. In this case, you can try the trick that the Australian Nathan Dylo demonstrated on his YouTube channel - one child, one napkin, one minute of magic and eleven million views ...

Give bribes

The child does not always understand why the toys scattered around the room upset his mother, no matter how much she tells him about it. But if you give the child something tasty for cleaning toys in a special box, the baby will quickly realize what's what, and ideal order will reign in his room.

encourage kindness

Young children do not understand well what is bad and what is good. Therefore, every time a child - even in the most insignificant situation - does a good deed, you need to accentuate his praise for the right choice.

Don't pretend to threaten

Let's say you told your child not to draw on the walls, otherwise you will take away all the pencils and markers from him. But when you saw another “rock painting” on the wallpaper, you did not fulfill your ultimatum - then the child will understand that he can not pay attention to such threats at all, because they do not end in anything bad for him. She said that if you pick up the pencils, let him sit for a week without pencils.

Look the child in the eyes

There are two big differences: to explain something to a child and to explain the same thing to him, looking into his eyes. When you look a child in the eyes, he understands that the matter is serious, and shakes your every word on his mustache. In addition, skill during difficult conversation looking directly into the eyes of your interlocutor will be useful to the child more than once in his entire subsequent life.

Persuasion, compromises and, to be honest, screams and scandals are used. But, as it turned out, in order to force the child to do homework without all these side effects, you just need to leave it alone. How to do it, said Ekaterina Murashova.

The child does not want to do homework. Story one

- I have a wonderful girl. Kind, sympathetic, affectionate, smart. If you ask her, she will always help me with the housework. For all the holidays, he draws pictures for me - “beloved mommy”. She is in the third grade. And he studies well! But look, I'm just crying, because I already have no strength. Why? Now I will say. Everything is fine with her, until it comes to preparing lessons.

She perfectly understands that the lessons still need to be done. Almost every evening we agree with her how everything will be tomorrow: she herself will sit down, they will quickly make them (for her this is not at all difficult), and we will not swear with her. But the next day it comes to the point and she has a hundred excuses: now I’ll finish the game, now I’ll drink some water, I’ll take the cat to my grandmother, my grandmother asked her to get a blanket from the closet (it was last night, but she remembered only now), but tell me me, mom, I have long wanted to ask you ... And all this can drag on for hours! At first I try to restrain myself, I answer calmly: come on then, sit down for lessons, it’s already evening, then you won’t think anything, but in the end I can’t stand it and just yell like a sergeant at a soldier: “Alena, sit down immediately, otherwise I I don't know what I'll do to you!" Here she is offended and begins to cry: “Mom, why are you always yelling at me?! What have I done wrong to you?" And I really feel like some kind of monster, because I have a good girl! But you can't not do lessons! And if everything is left to chance, then she will spend up to ten hours, when she needs to sleep, and not solve mathematics ... What should we do? I don't want to ruin my relationship with my daughter!

The child does not want to do homework. Story two

- The most offensive thing is this: if he still sits down and concentrates, all these lessons will be for him - ugh! In half an hour or an hour everything will be done in at its best. When I was little myself, it was called willpower. We trained it ourselves, we understood that this is an important thing for life. So she doesn’t have it, I must responsibly declare this to you. We were with a psychologist before you, back in the fourth grade. She said he had an illness, attention deficit disorder. What a deficit, if he could always assemble Lego (such small parts, you know?) for five hours in a row, and now, if he catches it, the computer goes through such difficult levels that I myself would not have the patience! So it's not about illness, there is simply no responsibility for one's future destiny. And where to come from, if everyone around is only doing what they are entertained? I tell him: you understand, you just need to pull yourself together, sit down and do these damned lessons. And then that's all - walk until the evening, free! He seems to understand, but how it comes to the point ... Mothers and mother-in-law are generally rude. When they complain to me, and I - to him, he answers: I never touch them myself first, let them not climb, these are my lessons, after all ... I tried to clean the computer altogether. It is better with lessons - if there is absolutely nothing to do, they will do. But the mood is bad all the time, the situation in the family is explosive, and in general - the computer is not some kind of evil carrier, it is an important modern tool for everything, including for socialization and obtaining information, it is impossible today for reasons of some dubious it’s good to raise a child in a cave and feed him with roots ... But what to do, this is only the seventh grade, and we actually planned eleven, he has completely normal brains, all the teachers say it in one voice, and I can see it myself, but with such diligence...

The child does not want to do homework. Story three

- Oh, just don't start, please! I've heard this a thousand if not a million times! And I understand everything myself: the tenth grade, we must already get together and think about our future fate. You have to do a lot to pass the exam well ... well, what else is needed? I know everything! And I totally agree with you one hundred percent. My mother doesn’t believe me, she thinks I’m lying to her so that she gets off, but I don’t lie - I myself think all the time that, from tomorrow, from Monday, from the new quarter, I’ll take it properly, pull up what I missed, and I will do all the lessons every day. I really think so! Exactly until the moment when you need to put down the phone, turn off the computer, turn off the music (in our class there are those who can study to music and even to TV, but I can’t, I need silence) and finally sit down. And here is the full blown. You won’t believe it, sometimes I can’t even bring myself to get a textbook with a notebook out of my bag ... Sometimes I think: what am I, some kind of psycho, or something! I’ll force you all the same, I’ll bring a bag, take everything out, just get ready to work out ... And I immediately remember a hundred different things: Vika promised to call, Vkontakte needed to look at something urgently, my mother asked me to tighten the faucet in the kitchen on Wednesday ... I understand that There can be no pills for this, but maybe there is some kind of hypnosis?

Have you heard such monologues? Or maybe even pronounce them yourself?

Can you imagine how many thousands (yes, millions!) of parents and children around the world will pronounce them right today!

How to make a child do homework: advice from a psychologist

I want to give you amazing news: I think I know a technique to solve this problem! I want to say right away: this technique was not invented by me, but by a thirteen-year-old boy named Vasily. So if everything is correct and the Nobel Peace Prize in the family is due for solving such a common problem, then it’s not for me, but for him - Vasya.

To be honest, I didn't really believe him at first. It's all very simple. But I am an experimenter in upbringing and education. My first position after graduating from university was called that in work book- Trainee researcher.

So I did an experiment. I caught twenty families that in my office uttered monologues similar to the above, told them about Vasya's method, and persuaded them to try, and then report to me. Seventeen out of twenty reported (three simply disappeared from my field of vision). And sixteen out of seventeen - everything worked out!

What do we have to do? Everything is very simple. The experiment lasts two weeks. Everyone is ready for the fact that the child, perhaps, will not do homework during this time. None, never. With little ones, you can even agree with the teacher: the psychologist recommended an experiment to improve the difficult situation in the family, then we’ll work it out, pull it up, we’ll do it, don’t worry, Marya Petrovna. But put deuces, of course.

What's at home?

The child sits down for lessons, knowing in advance that he WILL NOT do them. This is clear? Well, here's the deal. Get books, notebooks, a pen, pencils, a drafting pad ... what else is needed for preparing lessons? Spread everything. But it is precisely TO DO LESSONS - it is not necessary at all. And this is known in advance. WILL NOT do it.

(But if you suddenly feel like it, then you can, of course, do something a little bit. But it’s completely optional and even undesirable, to be honest).

Did everything preparatory stages, sat at the table for ten seconds and went, say, to play with the cat. Then, when the games with the cat are over, you can go to the table again. See what is asked. Find out if something is not recorded. Open your notebook and textbook to the correct page. Find the right exercise. And DO NOT DO ANYTHING again. Well, if you immediately saw something simple that you can learn in a minute (write, solve, underline), then you will do it. And if you took acceleration and didn’t stop, well, then something else ... But it’s better to leave it for the third approach. But here it is, it’s generally easy. In general, it is planned to get up and go to eat. But not lessons at all ... But this task doesn’t work ... it doesn’t work ... it doesn’t work ... Well, okay, now I’ll look at the GDZ solution ... Ah, so that’s what happened! How could I have not guessed something! .. And now what - only English is left? No, it DOES NOT HAVE to be done now. Then. When later? Well, now I’ll just call Lenka ... Why is it that while I’m talking with Lenka, this stupid English gets into my head? Drive him with a filthy broom! Yet! And further! Lenka, did you do this? But as? I didn’t enter something there ... Ah, that’s how it is there ... Yeah, I wrote it down ... But I won’t do it! NO NEED! And then suddenly I forget what I understood? No, well, it’s easier, of course, to do it now, although I didn’t intend to ... And what is it, it turns out that I have already done all the lessons ?! And there isn't much time yet? And no one forced me? Oh yes I am, well done! Mom did not even believe that I was already done! And then I looked, checked and so delighted!

Well, some such hodgepodge was presented to me by boys and girls reporting on the results of the experiment (from the 2nd to the 10th grade). From the fourth “approach to the projectile”, almost everyone did their homework (many did it earlier, especially the little ones).

How it works?

Well, firstly, for many, the initiation moment itself is really difficult. Sit down (seat the child) for lessons. Then, when they sat down, everything is already easier (if not by itself) goes. Have you ever tried to recharge? Do you agree that the hardest thing is to force yourself to start? It is rare that someone has already stood in a pose on the mat, raised his hands, inhaled and - dropped everything in the middle of the exercise. If he has already started, he will finish it today, most likely ... It's the same here. We carried out preparatory actions without any coercion (I won’t do my homework, I’m free for two weeks, these are the conditions of the experiment), we successfully overcame the first step, and then a stereotype or something else quite reflex has already turned on.

Secondly, there is no resistance at all (to oneself and parents). I'm not going to do my homework. Vice versa. That is, I am not in danger. An experiment by a strange psychologist freed me for a while from a worn-out family record. I'm even curious...

Thirdly, paradoxical intention is included. And what kind of insanity is this? I’ve sorted out the textbooks, found the assignment, now I already see these examples, figured out how to solve them, here it’s necessary to shorten it ... And what - I won’t write it down now, but will I go watch TV? Some stupidity! No one obligated me to get only deuces during these two weeks! .. On the contrary - everyone will be surprised!

These are kids. Parents, of course, mostly just quietly thrived from the emotional discharge sanctioned by the psychologist.

Result: four children's performance became somewhat worse, but not at all catastrophic. In nine, it remained on average at the same level (but already without parental pressure).

True, almost everyone’s academic performance has changed: it suddenly became clear which subjects the child likes, which are easier, which are harder (this is understandable, because parents put more attention and pressure into what goes worse, and therefore the results there are often the children themselves, of course, did the opposite). that if you leave me behind, everything will be hurt! I'm right? No, now you're right here at the psychologist's, tell me, am I right?! And another child voluntarily abandoned the experiment on the third day and asked his parents to continue to force him to sit down for lessons, it’s more familiar and easier for him, he is nervous from this experiment and cannot fall asleep ... Mom, having learned from me about the rest of the results, quietly cried in my office and went to seat her child further. If a child asks...

Here is such a technique. I really liked it, to be honest. I share with readers, I'm sure that it will be useful to someone else.

How do you teach your child to do homework?

The beginning of the school year for a younger student is a real scourge for many parents and their children. Great amount worried mothers of first-graders or older children complain that their child does not want to do homework, he is inattentive, lazy, capricious, the child cannot concentrate, and constantly resorts to the help of parents, even if homework is very simple. How to teach a child to do homework on their own, and what if the child does not want to learn lessons at all?

In general, it is necessary to instill in the child independence, responsibility and the habit of doing homework on their own in the first grade. But, if attempts to do this were unsuccessful, it is also impossible to ignore the problem, and categorically. An important caveat - approaches to junior schoolchildren at 6-7 years old and 8-9 years old are somewhat different, although the main stimulus still remains (usually praise).

It is, of course, difficult to force a child to do homework, to teach him to do homework independently and accurately. But you need to try, otherwise today's hassle in the future will seem like "flowers" to you. So be strong, dear moms, and don't let your future genius descend!

. HOW TO TEACH A CHILD TO DO LESSONS IN THE FIRST CLASS?

Well, it's begun! All sorts of "amenities" associated with the enthusiasm of others about the talent and ingenuity of your preschooler, the inspired chores of equipping a first grader, and the celebration of September 1 itself, are a thing of the past. Instead, it turned out that the diligence and desire with which your baby literally recently added numbers, printed out the first words on paper, read sentences, suddenly disappeared somewhere. And doing homework turned into a real nightmare. But what happened, why does the child not want to do homework, where has the desire to learn gone?

. Why does the child not want to do homework?

Educators-psychologists have a very clear opinion on this matter. If a first-grader does not want to learn lessons, this can mean only one thing: the child does not succeed. And there is only one way out - parents should help him and at first do homework with the child together, patiently and sympathetically. But there are some very important psychological points here.

Even if your child has attended Kindergarten or went to special preparatory classes to school, he was never required to do homework every day, simply put, he was simply not used to it. Moreover, involuntary attention and memory - when a child can memorize the contents of almost a whole book without noticing it - begin to fade, and just at six or seven years old. But arbitrariness - the ability to force oneself to do something by an effort of will - is just beginning to take shape. Therefore, your first-grader is now completely unsweetened, and laziness has absolutely nothing to do with it. Which exit?

If the child does not want to do homework, parents should introduce a certain mode. Determine with him a specific time when exactly he will sit down to do homework. This may well be different time in different days, especially if the first-grader has additional loads - circles, sections, etc.

Of course, after school you should relax, and not just have lunch. Be sure to take into account the intra-family schedule - the child should not sit at home when dad comes home from work, or grandma comes to visit, or you and your younger brother or sister go to the playground, and so on. In this case, the child cannot concentrate, and it will be extremely difficult to force the child to do homework, he may even be offended and say “I don’t want to learn homework.” And by the way, he will be absolutely right - why study should become akin to punishment for him, it is so difficult for him, he tries, and he is also punished for it!

If this is provided for, then it is absolutely impossible to deviate from the schedule without a good reason. Otherwise, there should be penalties, the installation of which you also need to agree with the child in advance. Surely, this will come down to depriving him of some personal pleasures, for example, “weaning” from a computer, TV, and so on. Deprive attendance of trainings and walks on fresh air not desirable, since your baby has already begun to move much less and spends a lot of time indoors since the beginning of the school year.

It is best to do homework with a child after an hour and a half after returning from school, so that the baby has time to rest from classes, but not too overexcited or tired of playing with friends and home entertainment. The intellectual activity of children increases after a small physical activity- this is a scientific fact, so he needs to play after school, but only in moderation.

As soon as the first grader comes home from school, help him put textbooks and notebooks out of his portfolio. Fold them neatly on the left corner of the table - you will shift them to the right corner later, as you complete your homework. You can open a notebook and a textbook in advance - it is always easier to continue any work than to start it.

When the appointed time comes, ask the child to remember what was given at home. It is important that he knows that this also applies to him, despite the fact that his mother has everything written down anyway. If the child at least partially remembered, it is necessary to praise him.

If a first-grader is unable to write numbers or letters, a simple trick can help - playing at school, where your child will be a teacher and you will be a student. Let him “teach” you to write numbers or letters: you graduated from school a long time ago and managed to “forget” something. For starters, let him write with his finger in the air, pronouncing his actions aloud in detail, and only then write it down in a notebook. While writing, the child should be silent, as babies hold their breath when they try and cannot speak.

It is very useful to sculpt numbers and letters from plasticine, learn to recognize them by touch. You can display them on a tray with cereal, a finger in the sand, etc. If the child cannot concentrate and gets tired quickly, there is no point in insisting on continuing classes. It is better to announce a short break - five minutes, give the task to jump 10 times, or, for example, crawl under a chair. The main thing is not to get carried away, the number of exercises should be strictly limited, otherwise you will quickly lose control over the situation and will not be able to force the child to do homework again.

If reading is difficult for the baby, try to attach leaflets with syllables and short words written in different fonts different color turned "upside down", sideways. This will help you unconsciously learn to recognize letters and develop automatism when reading.

To teach a child to do homework on his own, teach him to use dictionaries, encyclopedias and reference books. Ask him what this or that word means, pretend that you do not know him and ask the child for help. Trying to cope with the task without outside help and find answers to all questions on their own, the baby learns to think rationally, thoughtfully. And, besides, the information learned in this way is remembered much better than the answers provided “on a silver platter”.

If the child still does not want to do homework, you need to fundamentally change the approach. Be wiser, include "cunning" and "helplessness": "Help me, please. I can’t read something in any way ... ”,“ Something in my handwriting has completely deteriorated. Remind me how to write this letter beautifully ... ". Not a single child can resist such an approach. And of course, thank and praise him more often! Even for the smallest achievement is the main key to success!

. HOW TO FORCE A JUNIOR STUDENT TO DO THE LESSONS?

Unfortunately, the fact that students in the lower grades tell their parents “I don’t want to learn homework”, do not want to do homework on their own and constantly seek the help of their parents, even if the homework is very simple, is not uncommon. At the same time, these same children can be happy to help around the house, go to the store, and work with younger children in the family. Parents are at a loss - it seems that the child is not lazy, which means that it is impossible to explain his attitude to homework by simple laziness, but it is also impossible to ignore the problem with lessons. What to do? First of all, you need to find the real reason why the child does not want to do homework.

HOW ARE THINGS AT SCHOOL? The most important thing is to understand in time how your child's relationship develops at school - with peers, with a teacher. Unfortunately, it is not uncommon for children, faced with the first failures, and being ridiculed by classmates and having met the indifference of the mentor (this happens quite often in our time), begin to experience fear, fear the next mistakes. Such feelings and emotions can be so strong that the child cannot concentrate, unable to cope with them.

Children cannot explain, and often do not understand, what exactly is happening to them, but the behavior changes significantly. The main task of parents is to recognize the negative situation as soon as possible and immediately take appropriate measures. Of particular danger is the fact that the child closes in on himself from such fears, “disconnects” from the world around him, becomes somewhat inhibited. At the same time, he can look outwardly absolutely normal, serene and calm, but this impression is deceptive. No one but you knows your baby so well as to notice something wrong in time and correctly interpret it.

If such a psychological trauma is not eliminated in a timely manner, it can develop into a school neurosis, as psychologists call it, which can be fraught with a nervous breakdown and various psychosomatic ailments. What should parents do in such cases? First of all, you need to show restraint and patience, calm the child and help him. You should do homework with the child, even when you are sure that he can easily cope on his own and can do homework on his own. In no case do homework for him, just be a support for him, encourage, praise - give him the opportunity to make sure that he succeeds.

DIFFICULT JOBS. There are situations in which the reluctance to do homework on their own is due to their objective difficulty. For example, at these times, the child may well not have developed logical thinking. In this case, he simply does not consider it necessary to do something that he does not understand. And your attempt to force the child to learn the lessons will only introduce him into even more confusion and provoke defiance.

Which exit? Parents need to follow the reasoning of their student about the progress of solving the task, so they can understand exactly where the difficulties arise. You can not get angry and scold the child for what he does not understand. You should teach the child, help him, explain with examples, and only then wait for him to be able to do his homework on his own. He, of course, thinks and thinks, only he does it a little differently, and in a different way than you - does not mean it is not true.

LACK OF ATTENTION. It happens that a child does not want to do homework, refuses to do homework just because in this way it is easiest to attract the attention of parents. In this case, his “I don’t want to learn lessons” means that he feels lonely, feels a lack of parental care and affection. Then he instinctively tries to solve this problem, and since he is a smart kid, he understands that poor academic performance will cause parents concern and increased attention to him. That is why he does not want to do his homework, on purpose, and perhaps unconsciously, he "flops" his studies.

The way out is simple - surround the child with due attention and care. Moreover, it does not have to be joint homework, rather the opposite. If you want to teach your child to do homework on his own, encourage him active communication for his efforts. But this must also be done wisely so that the child does not develop the feeling that your love can only be earned, he must know that you love him even when he fails and nothing works out.

LAZINESS AND IRRESPONSIBILITY. Unfortunately, it also happens that a child does not want to do homework simply because he is lazy and irresponsible in his studies. It is unrealistically difficult to make him learn lessons, and when he succeeds, the quality is very bad, done “anyhow”, if only they “left behind” him. The blame for this lies entirely with the parents, who did not bring up in time in the child a sense of responsibility for their own actions and deeds. But now it is not too late, so correct the situation that has arisen, do not be lazy to educate your child yourself.

Explain to him that he is studying not for his parents, not for grades, but for himself first of all. If he received a “deuce” at school for an unfulfilled task, do not reproach him and do not scold him - he must explain himself for what reason he received a bad mark. Ask him this question - show patience and calmness - this will make the child analyze his own actions, and he will probably be embarrassed to explain himself, so next time he will prefer to learn the lessons.

In some cases, it will not be superfluous to use punishments, for example, for unfinished homework and deprive some of life's values of deuces. For example, to introduce a ban on playing on a computer, or going to the cinema, and so on - you know better what exactly he prefers to study and appreciates especially highly. The child should know about this, and then let him decide for himself what is more important for him. Just do not cancel your own decisions - feeling weak, he will begin to boycott you in everything, and not just in school.

__________________________________________

Children studying in the primary grades of the school require unlimited patience and increased attention. Here, unfortunately, nothing can be done - this is a fact, you need to come to terms with it. Do not leave children alone with their problems, this can have bad consequences. Be caring, attentive and patient - the baby will grow up and everything will work out, and problems will bypass!

Yana Lagidna, especially for the site

A little more about how to make a child do homework, and how to teach a child to do homework on their own:

Being a Lazy Mom naughty child very difficult. After all, it takes a lot of time and effort to agree with the baby about the simplest things. And with obedient children, everything becomes much easier, and you do not have to participate in disputes for any reason.

It is unpleasant to say this, but you need to start the changes with yourself, since only a calm and confident mother can make a child obey the first time. In addition, you need to listen to the child and feel his needs. How exactly to do this, I will tell in the article.

How to make a child obey

Recently, there have been big problems with obedience in children. In modern realities, when they are greatly pampered, it is quite difficult to keep the child within the bounds of what is permitted. Why is this happening?

Now the idea of permissiveness of children is being actively promoted. Toddlers up to about 2 years old are not forbidden anything, they are not given tasks, and in general they are almost never brought up. Therefore, by the age of 3-4, it is not surprising that the child does not obey adults. Although there are other reasons: conflicting instructions, discrepancy between the requirements for the age of the child, etc.

How to make a child obey?

The first step is to understand that in no case should you resort to physical punishment. After a few spanks, the child will actually fulfill your request. When in the future he will be capricious, one mention of physical violence will make him calm down. And everything looks great - the system works.

But in fact, the child does not become "obedient", he is simply afraid of you. I am sure that you would not want to cause horror and fear in a child. In addition to your relationship now, this whole situation will affect the future of the child. Physical punishment, hidden resentment and anger at you will definitely surface in adolescence in the form of a riot. Or vice versa, the child will completely immerse himself in himself, become inert, downtrodden and unsure of himself.

No matter how the situation develops, a downtrodden child will not grow up happy. Therefore, the physical impact is not immediately!

Learn to talk with your child, negotiate, and then you don't have to resort to a belt.

How to talk to a child correctly?

A lot depends on how and what you say to your baby. To begin with, you should pay attention to the volume - if you constantly speak on raised tones, the child ceases to perceive the meaning of phrases. Remember how you felt when your boss or saleswoman scolded you in a raised voice. Even if this is well-deserved criticism, there is anger and resentment towards the screaming person.

Make eye contact. Children concentrate on only one task, so until you attract his attention to you, he may simply not hear your phrases. That's right: squat in front of the child, touch your hand so that he looks at you, and look into your eyes. Call by name and repeat your request.
Short and clear assignments especially if you are talking to a child under 4 years of age. It is difficult for them to remember and perform a sequence of actions. Therefore, instead of the monosyllabic “take off your jacket and shoes, wash your hands and sit down at the table,” issue tasks gradually. First, “take off your jacket and shoes” when “wash your hands” is done, and only after that, “sit down at the table.”
Too long speeches. Parents love to bring up past missteps when they chastise a child or ask them to stop something. And it is difficult for children to grasp what the phrase “Did you forget how you fell off the couch last time and had to go to the hospital? Get off now, otherwise the situation will repeat itself and you will cry.” It’s correct to say succinctly: “You can’t jump on the couch - it’s dangerous.” In this case, the main message will be received.
indirect instructions. Kids take all the phrases literally, so they don’t see the instructions for action in the question “Are you going to get out of the puddle?”. Do not overestimate the skills of children, because they are only learning the language and do not understand much. Speak directly and unequivocally: "get out of the puddle."
The use of NOT negation. Children often miss the negative message “don’t”, and instead of “don’t get into the puddle”, they hear the invitation “get into the puddle”. Instead, it's better to offer another interesting alternative: "Let's go around the puddle so as not to get our new shoes dirty."
Constant pulling. Some anxious mothers take care of the child so much that throughout the day they warn the baby about the danger: “do not stumble on the threshold”, “get around the evil dog”, “do not step into the puddle”, “do not drop the mug” ... Over time, the child ceases to perceive these phrases , taking them for "background noise". Reduce the number of remarks to the minimum necessary, just walk next to him and belay in dangerous moments.
Inability to hear the child. Being with a child 24 hours 7 days a week, many mothers begin to pass out. They seem to be next to the baby, but immersed in their thoughts, talking on the phone and not hearing their child. Over time, the baby begins to copy this behavior, ignoring your instructions. Instead, set the right example by taking a moment away from washing the dishes to listen to the child's story. Keep up the conversation, clarify something, then the baby will be more attentive to your words.

In addition, listen to your words. It is necessary to focus not on the child and how bad he is, but on his feelings.

Wrong phrase: You are so selfish! Stop yelling, let's go now! Shut up now, I'm ashamed of you in front of others».

Correct phrase: I understand that you are tired. Now I will pay for the purchase and go home. I will read a book and you will rest. Now please, if you want to scream, do it, please, be quiet - it's hard for me to concentrate.».

You can focus on your feelings:

Wrong phrase: I'm ashamed of your behavior in front of others."- so you show that the opinion of others more important than a child.
Correct phrase: It's hard for me to be with you, my head hurts from screaming but".

Observe what you say and how these phrases can be understood by the child. Then it will be easier for you to find with him mutual language.

How to make a child obey the first time

Teaching a baby obedience is not so easy and fast. After all, there is no magic pill suitable for every child. And it's not a robot that can blindly follow orders. But still, there are certain tips that teach a child to obey their parents the first time.

Every child has their own approach. So try different methods and find the right one.

So, let's look at the basic techniques to teach a child to obey:

Minimum bans. When a child during the day only hears “no”, “don’t get in”, “get away”, he ceases to obey. Therefore, try to use prohibition phrases only as a last resort when he is doing something serious. Instead, secure the play area, remove dangerous and fragile items, and be close to your child to distract him from dangerous play or stop him in time.
Unity in the family. Be sure to develop certain rules in the family that under no circumstances should be violated. If the father allows and the mother forbids, it is difficult for the child to follow the instructions. After all, if the parents disagreed on one issue, then you can not obey in others.
Unequivocal prohibitions. Do not change your view of any prohibitions so as not to confuse the child's guidelines. If you said " last time take a ride on the hill, and then we go home, ”so you need to keep your word. Once or twice the child will be able to persuade you to stay, and then he will repeat this technique constantly. Only more confidently, because he knows that this method allows you to achieve what you want.
Encourage your child's initiative. Children love to help adults, imitate them and be useful. Do not ruin this desire in the bud. If a two-year-old wants to wash his dishes, let him do it and praise him. And when he can't see, just rewash. If the child voluntarily performs one task, then it will be easier with others.
Consider age features. You can’t demand from a 3-year-old child to sit still during, because energy is seething in them and it needs to be released. Also, at the age of 3, a crisis begins, and a ban is placed on all mom's proposals. Therefore, study information about crises, skills and abilities by age. Only when you understand your child will he obey you.
Carry out threats. Many adults intimidate the child with empty or irrelevant threats “if you don’t eat, I’ll pour it on your head”, “if you don’t go for a walk now, we won’t go for a walk at all!”. At first, such a trick will pass, and the children will obey, but if after the failure to comply with the “order” the punishment is not received, the fear will disappear. So watch your threats and carry them out. It is, of course, not about physical punishment. Indeed, in addition to them, there is, and a separate article for. For such crumbs, thinking works differently, so you need to educate them differently.
Give the opportunity to choose. If the child has only prohibitions and instructions, sooner or later he may start a riot on the ship. To make a child obey and obey, it is enough to create at least the illusion of choice. “Shall we take a duck or a whale into the bath?”, “Will you go to the hospital in a black T-shirt or a yellow one?”, “Would you like a carrot or a pot?”, “Who will sleep with you from toys today?”.
Consistency in learning. If you want your child to do something on his own, you need to teach him. First, do the task together (parents and child), then draw instructions and prompt if the child has difficulties, then he does it on his own. Be sure to go through all these steps and do not leave your baby in front of difficulties.
Play, don't give orders. It is much easier to get a child to obey if you offer to do something interesting. Don't "put the toys away", but "put the toys in this basket". Or add a competitive element: don’t “leave the cars, let’s go eat,” but “let’s see whose car gets to the kitchens faster.” Think about how you can beat your task so that the child himself wants to complete it.
Reward, but not with money. Monetary incentives are used very actively, but it is better to let them watch a cartoon, give something tasty, go to rides, etc. instead. Make it clear that obedience is rewarded. Be sure to praise the child, but watch the sincerity in your voice. Children feel false. Hug, kiss, although this child should receive not only for obedient behavior, but just because he is.
Set a good example. All your requirements, prohibitions, notations are useless if you do not follow them yourself. The phrases “don’t snap” and “don’t be rude” are useless if you constantly swear at your husband or allow yourself to communicate in a rude way with your child. Children copy the behavior of their parents even in small things, so watch yourself carefully and think - what will my child learn?

If all else fails, see how Dr. Kurpatov helped in a seemingly hopeless case.

And even if you understand how to make a child obey the first time, you do not need to abuse your power. Leave him some freedom, let him defend his opinion, respect their decision and give at least the illusion of choice so that in the future they will not run into problems. Unquestioningly obedient children often grow up subject to other people's influence (drugs, alcohol), lack of initiative (lack of independence, inability to be a leader) and with other psychological problems.

?”, then you have come to the right place: you no longer need to read any articles, including this one. I will answer right now: “No way!”

You can't force a child to listen. You can only force them to obey, and then not for long.

The famous German psychotherapist, the founder of Gestalt therapy, Fritz Perls (Fritz Perls) argued that there are two ways to influence another person: to become a “dog from above” or “a dog from below”. "Dog from above" is power, authority, orders, threats, punishments, pressure. "Dog from below" is flattery, lies, manipulation, sabotage, blackmail, tears. And when these two "dogs" come into conflict, the "dog from below" always wins. So, if you want your child to obey you, first of all stop forcing him. Stop commanding, lecturing, shaming. Here are some tips on how to replace these ineffective remedies.

How to achieve obedience

The first step is to encourage and stimulate any activity of the child, directed in the right direction. The girl is eager to wash the dishes? Be sure to allow, even if her help only gets in the way. Psychologists conducted surveys of schoolchildren from the fourth to eighth grades, finding out if they were doing any. It turned out that the percentage of children who do not help their parents is the same. But in the fourth - sixth grade many children were unhappy that they were not trusted with household chores! But in the seventh and eighth grades, there were no longer dissatisfied.

The founder of Russian psychology, Lev Semyonovich Vygotsky, developed a universal scheme for teaching a child self-fulfillment everyday affairs. First, the child does something together with the parents, then the parents draw clear instructions, and then the child begins to act completely independently.

Let's say you want your child to be neat when he comes in from the street. The first stage: everything is done together, parents show, help. At the second stage, you need to come up with and draw a hint: what, in what sequence and where to put it. For example, like this:

Most children readily follow clear and visual instructions. Gradually, a habit is formed, and external cues become unnecessary.

The next great trick is to turn the desired action into or competition. Just putting away toys is boring and time consuming. Playing housekeeping is another matter entirely.

Play is a natural need for children game form they are ready to take on the most unloved things. Competition is also a great motivator.

Known child psychologist Yulia Borisovna Gippenreiter gives such an example. Parents wanted their son to do exercises. We bought equipment, my father made a horizontal bar in the doorway, but the boy was not particularly interested in it, and he shied away in every way. Then the mother invited her son to compete who will do the most pull-ups. They brought a table, hung it next to the horizontal bar. As a result, both began to exercise regularly.

A few words about the common practice of paying children to do household chores… It doesn't work in the long run. The demands of the child are growing, and the amount of work performed is decreasing. In one study, students were asked to solve a puzzle. Half of them were paid for it, others were not. Those who received the money were less persistent and quickly stopped trying. Those who acted out of sporting interest spent more time. This once again confirms the well-known rule in psychology: external motivation (even positive) is less effective than internal one.

How to properly ban

Prohibitions are needed not only for physical security. Numerous studies have shown that childhood negatively affects the personality and destiny of a person. Therefore, prohibitions must be mandatory. But it is very important not to go too far, because their excess is also harmful. Let's see what psychologists advise.

1. Flexibility

Julia Borisovna Gippenreiter proposes to divide all the activity of the child into four zones: green, yellow, orange and red.

The green zone is what is allowed without any conditions, what the child himself can choose. For example, what toys to play with.
Yellow zone - allowed, but with a condition. For example, you can go for a walk if you do your homework.
Orange zone - allowed only in exceptional cases. For example, you can not go to bed on time, because today is a holiday.
The red zone is what is impossible under any circumstances.

2. Consistency and consistency

If some actions are in the red zone, they should never be allowed to the child. It is enough to give up the slack once, and that's it: the children instantly understand that it is possible not to obey. The same applies to the yellow zone. If he did not do his homework, he must be deprived of a walk. Firmness and consistency are the main allies of parents. It is equally important that the requirements and prohibitions are agreed between family members. When mom forbids eating sweets, and dad allows, nothing good will come of it. Children quickly learn to use disagreements between adults to their advantage. As a result, neither father nor mother will achieve obedience.

3. Proportionality

Do not demand the impossible and be careful about difficult prohibitions. For example, it is very difficult (and some simply impossible) for preschoolers to sit still for more than 20-30 minutes. Forbidding them to jump, run and scream in this situation is pointless. Another example: at the age of three, a child begins a period when he refuses all the proposals of his parents. How to deal with this is a separate topic, but “Stop arguing with me!” will only do harm. Parents should have an idea about the age characteristics of children in order to coordinate their prohibitions with the capabilities of the child.

4. Correct tone

A calm, friendly tone is more effective than strictness and threats. In one experiment, children were brought into a room with toys. The most attractive was a controlled robot. The experimenter told the child that he would leave and that while he was gone, it was impossible to play with the robot. In one case, the ban was strict, harsh, with threats of punishment; in the other, the teacher spoke softly, without raising his voice. The percentage of children who violated the ban was the same. But two weeks later, these children were again invited to the same room ...

This time, no one forbade them to play with the robot alone. 14 out of 18 children with whom they were strict last time immediately took the robot as soon as the teacher left. And most of the children from the other group still did not play with the robot until the teacher arrived. This is the difference between submission and obedience.

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5. Punishments

For non-compliance with the prohibitions should be punished. Most general rules are:

It is better to deprive the good than to do the bad.
You can't be punished in public.
Punishment should never be humiliating.
You can not punish "for prevention."
Of the measures of physical influence, only restraint is unequivocally recommended when it is necessary to stop a raging child. better to minimize.

6. A little naughty

An absolutely obedient child is not the norm. And what kind of life experience will your child get if he follows instructions and instructions all the time? Sometimes a child should be allowed to do something that will harm him. Facing bad consequences - the best teacher. For example, a child reaches for a candle. If you see this and are sure you are in control (no flammable objects nearby), let him touch the flame. This will save you the hassle of explaining why you shouldn't play with fire. Naturally, it is necessary to adequately assess the possible harm. Allowing a child to put his fingers in a socket is a crime.

Not following the instructions of adults, breaking the locked, children always try to achieve or avoid something. For example, to get attention to yourself or to avoid a traumatic situation. The most important and most difficult task of parents is to understand what is behind disobedience. And for this child, you need to listen, you need to talk to him. Unfortunately, magic wands and unicorns do not exist. It is impossible to read an article on Lifehacker and solve all the problems in relationships with. But you can at least try.