Civil marriage, or let the daughter be happy. What is the name of marriage without painting Is there life before the registry office

Dinga_Shutterstock.com

What makes "civil marriage" so attractive in the eyes of modern men and women? According to the same statistics, every third man, formalizing the relationship, goes towards his chosen one. Every fourth person marries according to tradition (as was the case with his father and mother). And only every tenth - for love. There is by no means a controversial opinion that a woman feels more confident with a stamp in her passport. But what is this certainty? Two people enter into marriage, what about the confidence of a man? And if one becomes more confident, the other less, it is worth wondering if such an alliance is durable and is it needed at all?

No one will deny that a couple who do not want the state to interfere in their relationship is under pressure from relatives. Usually by the wife. In the days of “underdeveloped socialism”, the state dictated its own rules in everything, including in relations between the sexes.

And the now-seemingly completely unacceptable attitude “first - the seal, then the bed” originates precisely from those times. But history confirms the opposite - in the 20s and 30s, our grandparents for the most part created a family without officially registering it. Since this fact did not correspond to the then "party policy", it was not customary to advertise it.

So, in this area, the example of parents simply loses its relevance.

During the change of socio-economic formations, the functions of the state weaken, and the tendencies of pragmatism of our days involuntarily pose the question to the couple: “if we interfere with the state in our relations, what will we get in return?” It is not worth discussing the relationship between the state and the citizen - everything is already clear ... Therefore, asking such a question, the answer comes by itself - “nothing”. And out of this "nothing" arises another: "then why?"

In the UK, there is an ancient saying that spouses "share a bed and a table." But if they are already doing it, why would outsiders intervene? In our country, 53% of marriages end in divorce. In the USA - 51%, in France - 47%. Thus, the myth that a stamp in a passport strengthens relationships is nothing more than a myth. Undoubtedly, it creates significant difficulties in divorce, especially in the presence of young children. But, as practice shows, it is not an obstacle to the end of official relations.

A paradoxical situation is emerging - for the family itself, the stamp does not give anything, and only when the relationship “went to naught”, the state, represented by harsh matrons from district courts, begins shamelessly dictating its own rules.

Most successful members of the middle class, who have achieved a high social status in life, do not at all consider it necessary for themselves to fall under the dubious tutelage of the state. They just don't need it. These people are self-sufficient and independent, and someone else's control is completely unacceptable for them. An unregistered marriage for them is an emphasis on their individuality, distancing themselves from behavior patterns imposed by society and public institutions. While maintaining their freedom and the ability to live by the rules that they consider appropriate for themselves.

About 10-15 years ago, experts began to state the fact that the institution of the family is dying out ... This is not entirely true. The family, as it was, and remains one of the most important components in a person's life. Another thing is that the family is transformed, remaining the union of two loving hearts, but who live by their own rules, not allowing themselves to be manipulated.

Of course, marriage registration, with all the paraphernalia ( White dress with the registry office and wedding bells) - the pinnacle of romantic relationships that led to this ... But this is typical of young people, for whom the process itself, due to their inexperience, is much more important than the subsequent, full of "pitfalls" life together, about which they they just don't think about it. Of course, no one canceled an official marriage, and if the spouses decided to leave, in all civilized countries, an army of lawyers armed with marriage contract where everything is strictly regulated.

“Everyone chooses for themselves,” and everyone will decide whether to register a relationship or not.

If you love, then 100%. You can not love half, especially a spouse. This is not love, but distrust, insecurity in love, it is precisely this that underlies the "civil marriage." There is an example that in such a union they live, as it were, with an open door, so you can always escape. But if the door is always open in the house, then to live in it is cold, uncomfortable and dangerous.

Once a girl came to me for confession and said that she lives with a guy without a stamp. And she began to talk about free, informal relationships. I told her, "You're just not sure if you love him." She thought about it and said, "Yes, you're right, I don't know if I can live my life with him." But if you are not sure of your feelings, just be friends, communicate, but do not call it marriage, do not demand everything at once. That is, the most important thing in this "marriage" is not - true love and trust in each other.

There is a site on the Internet "Perezhit.ru". It provides assistance to those who have broken up with a loved one. The author of this site writes about people who have been living in a "civil marriage" for several years: "At sixteen to twenty years old, they began to live in the so-called civil marriage, and it lasts three or four, and more often - five years. Then suddenly the understanding comes that something needs to be changed, that this is a road to nowhere. Preparations for the wedding begin, sometimes they already buy rings. And then they part forever.

Some even manage to get married, but the marriage breaks up almost immediately. And such an ending is natural. We underestimate the educational role of “civil marriage”, and it is not without reason that psychologists of the “gloss” so disliked by me propagandize it. Such a form living together- not at all preparation for marriage, but a completely different path. This is the school of irresponsible pleasures.

Therefore, people in a “civil marriage” live quite peacefully, because demons do not tempt them - why turn people off the disastrous path? And when, after several years of such a false marriage, they decide to get married and suddenly realize how dramatically they will have to change their lives, to impose some obligations on themselves, this leads to grave consequences. The school of irresponsible pleasures cannot prepare you for entering the academy of responsibility and love.”

Love is not sighs on a bench, as the poet said, but mutual responsibility. It’s just (especially for men) that “civil marriage” is not there. In one (by the way, completely secular) magazine I read: “For a woman, “civil marriage” is an illusion of a family, and for a man it is an illusion of freedom.” Women, being in such cohabitation, most often want to legitimize the relationship. And it's understandable why. Every woman is a potential mother and does not want her child to grow up without a father and material support. Again, it is difficult to count on alimony, inheritance, an apartment. It is interesting that a woman, as a rule, calls her husband a husband, and a man calls his "common-law wife" his mistress, cohabitant, girlfriend. And only a few - his wife. Men understand that they do not lose anything. "It's also very difficult.

People want to have a family home, to love each other, but the cult of promiscuity, pleasure and irresponsibility has sucked many. People try to find happiness in a "civil marriage" and do not find it. This is just a way to get away from reality, to forget and forget that true happiness is possible only when spouses fully trust each other, love and are responsible for each other before God and all people.

I will mention the spiritual side of this issue. People who live in cohabitation put themselves outside the normal church life, and they feel it. At confession, very rarely anyone does not realize that this is a great sin (as a rule, everyone repents of this). There is an opinion: if people who are in a “civil marriage” are not allowed to take communion, then this will alienate them from the Church and they will never come to God at all. I think that this is sheer nonsense. point the way to salvation, sometimes guiding and admonishing.I, for example, adhere to a strict rule not to allow those living in a "civil marriage" to take communion. And I don’t remember (although it may have happened) that people later left the Church. After that, I repeatedly saw them in the temple, and some even concluded legal marriage, but more on that later. It all depends on how you talk to people.

Usually I politely say why it is too early to take communion. First you need to sort out your relationship and either register a marriage or not live together. (This does not mean that people should completely break off all relationships. They just should not live a carnal life, because not everything comes down to this. Maybe they will come to their senses and get married.)

But before that, communion cannot be started. It's like a person comes to receive communion, who fell into fornication two days ago and says that he will do the same thing tomorrow. The prohibition of communion is not excommunication from the Church, an anathema; this is penance. It is clear that a person is weak, it is not easy for him to immediately change his life, he can go to church, pray, confess, but it is impossible to approach the cup in a state of permanent sin, this is a desecration of the Sacrament. You cannot tell a person that black is white, and his sin is the norm. If the Church does not tell him the truth, who will? The realization that "civil marriage" puts him outside the Eucharistic communion, outside the cup, can greatly influence his life. Once a woman came to me. She wanted to take communion, but said that she had been living in a "civil marriage" for many years. I received her confession, talked, but said that the communion would have to be postponed. She understood everything, persuaded her man to register and was then very grateful. This case, thank God, is not the only one.

Nowadays, many couples do not consider it necessary to rush to sign in the registry office. To some extent, this is correct - it is better to check a person many times before letting him into your life. However, many couples begin to live together without a signature in the passport, and then such a “civil marriage” quickly breaks up, without waiting for the signature. So what are their mistakes? Read about it in the article below.

Let's start with the fact that the term "civil marriage" each person understands differently. Many believe that this is a marriage that is registered in a state institution, but not confirmed by "heaven", that is, without a wedding. However, most people still understand this term as the residence of two people, without official confirmation of the relationship. The mistake of many men is that, living in a civil marriage, they do not hear their soul mate: they are simply satisfied with everything. For many men, this type of life is the most comfortable. There is support, love, there is a person who can be trusted, who will be waiting for him from work. At the same time, such relationships have no obligations, and at any time they can be interrupted. Thus, men enjoy this life and do not want to change anything, while girls, on the contrary, believe that a civil marriage is only for a while. This is their mistake: in a civil marriage there are no guarantees that it will be followed by an official painting.

This type cohabitation there are, of course, its advantages - you can get to know your soul mate better in everyday life, understand what this person is like in household chores, whether you can rely on him.

First of all, young people are worried about how their parents will perceive the news of such a residence, and this is a big mistake for both. If the decision was balanced, then there is no need to be afraid and worry about other people, only they themselves have the right to build their lives.

From a legal point of view, a civil marriage is a meaningless act. This can be equated to getting to the 16th floor not by elevator, but by stairs, because it is more interesting. If people love each other, they do not need verification, they trust each other and are ready to be together even in the most difficult moment, this is what the marriage vow says. If people try to test each other in various ways, then this indicates that there is no trust in the relationship. However, there are as many scenarios as there are families, and if it is easier for someone in their soul to test a person first and live in a relationship without obligations, this is their right.

In any case, love and respect each other. It doesn’t matter what kind of marriage you are in or not in: the main thing in a relationship is love, the rest will come with time.

All rights reserved | Newspaper online "Youth.info"

Tamara Tashkent Men try to find servants for themselves and for bed, everything is free, because if they are left for some time without a woman, then their cave essence immediately becomes visible: there is dirt all around, often booze, random disposable aunts. I'm all for making it clear who is who. And then their mothers or wives will dress them up, feed them, praise them, follow their education and seem to be a positive guy, but in reality - a Neanderthal and a robber. We then need a respected person, a friend of the heart.

Tatyana Kyiv marriage is made in heaven and keeps people out of danger whether you realize it or not. if you want to know more, read the bible

Dasha Moscow Veronica, I already wrote in another topic and now I will unsubscribe to your phrase "what's the difference." The difference is huge. When paternity is recognized by a civil so-called dad, he can at any time refuse paternity, alone! and the certificate of paternity will become VOID. and the daddy will not only not pay 25 rubles of alimony, but in general will NOT be considered a father, and the child will be FATHERLESS. unless, of course, you start suing for many months, looking for him to take tests, pay for a genetic examination, and so on. But if you did not spare 200 rubles and stupidly signed (without a dress, JUST stupidly signed for the sake of the child!), Then this is already an OFFICIAL father, and not recognized by a piece of paper on establishing paternity. And even a divorce, even death - anyway, the child WILL HAVE A DAD. Yes, no one is immune from the fact that a man will find another or that the relationship will simply not work out. But the rights of CHILDREN are truly protected only in official marriage, but not in cohabitation.

an elementary desire to hang out in a white dress at an enchanting party. They think with horror about how they will look in the eyes of their girlfriends - after all, they (oh, horror!!!) did not have a wedding!

Captain Nemo Kraygorod Dear ladies, I believe that we should not confuse sour with fresh. Marriage is a legal transaction and, first of all, the state needs it, so that in the event of a divorce, it would be easier for him to decide what will go to whom.

Evgeniya Kraygorod Responsibility, responsibility... You can directly think that a certificate was issued and a person was even more filled with morality, imbued with morality. I would willingly believe in all this, if it were not for great amount married men who behave like notorious bachelors. According to statistics, 80 percent of men who visit dating sites are married. What are they doing interesting? They are probably discussing their wedding photos. Like it or not, the institution of marriage will gradually die. Women receive education, become more emancipated, independent. But a direct connection has been revealed - the lower the education of a woman, the more she wants to put on various social labels - "wife", "married woman". And family is not the same. Good luck!

Veronika Kraygorod and another follow-up question: what prevents a dishonest dad from getting a job as a watchman with an official salary of 1,500 rubles and paying 25 alimony from them? But to beat out these alimony from your "lawful" husband, with whom you swore love and fidelity in front of friends, relatives and everyone else, in my opinion, is even more humiliating than in front of a civil spouse.

Zoya Kraygorod And earlier he considered me to be who I really was - a beloved woman who lives with him in the same house.

Veronika Kraygorod Now, let me ask. In what way, in a legal marriage, does it protect children in such a way different from civil marriage? As far as I know, children born out of wedlock have the same rights as children of married parents. This is Article 53 of the Family Code, if anything. And if a child's father is recorded in the birth certificate, then this child also becomes his direct heir

Zoya Kraygorod Why should the content change? It's just that in a registered marriage, the form and content come into line and that's it. And responsibility - legal marriage protects not love, but the interests of children. And do not say that if a man is decent, he will not leave, and so on. Everything happens in life, and love passes, and people change, and, sometimes, radically. And the children stay and want to eat, regardless of whether they have a decent dad or not. If you only rely on yourself in this case, then it’s understandable .. You don’t need marriage, and everything else too .. And I don’t want to guess, but I admit that anything happens in life.

Veronika Kraygorod Wow, this topic has come alive! You, Nastya, will not convince anyone with your happy example. Our women do not believe that not everyone lives in the agonizing expectation of a wedding and perceives it as a thing of secondary importance. Our women with their "If you love - get married!" amazing ability to depend on the opinion of society. And they pull their men to the registry office by hook or by crook, if only "as it was with people" ...

Nastya Kraygorod Zoya, I'm going to ask you something and then I'll leave you. Agree, with the appearance of a stamp in your passport, the form of your relationship has changed - they are now regulated Family code, right? How has the content changed? And what kind of readiness for responsibility in life are you talking about? In my opinion, living with a person, taking care of him, loving him is already a big responsibility.

Nastya Kraygorod Zoya, it’s strange that your husband began to consider and call you his wife only after you were given a piece of paper at the registry office. And before that, who did he consider you interesting? But people are all different, I will not judge anyone.

Nastya Kraygorod In my opinion, these are identical concepts. If the point is only that your husband began to emphasize that you are now "legal", explain what is illegal to be just a beloved woman?

Nastya Kraygorod My opinion is that a civil marriage is good when both are comfortable in it. We live in a civil marriage for 8 years, my son is 3 years old. I feel behind my husband like behind a stone wall, but I don’t feel like a cohabitant either. When we began to live together, we had our own apartments, work with a good salary. We were already accomplished individuals, so the opinion of society, parents was not decisive for us. Many people ask why they still haven’t arranged a wedding. I admit honestly, I’m just sorry to spend money on this dress, in which I will most likely feel embarrassed , on these unfortunate pigeons, on a limousine that is completely unnecessary to me and a chic table where grandmothers will burp at the table))) If a wedding is a dream for a girl, then this is her own business and she has the right to fulfill her dreams. But! Girls are all different, and when reading articles from your site, it seems that everyone is so unhappy, whining, begging men for a wedding and it still doesn’t work))

Zoya Kraygorod Nastya, how economical you are. And why do you dress and feed the old ladies? Don't you know what other weddings are? My husband and I signed without any pigeons and balloons, sat with close friends in a cafe and left for the sea on the same day. Both pleasant and interesting. And the husband emphasizes all the time that I am his legal wife! And earlier, although we lived in a civil marriage for two years, he never called me his wife.

Zoya Kraygorod Where is the illegality here? there is no such law that forbids a woman to be a concubine of her own free will and not to register a marriage. Like - please. But you yourself wrote that all people are different. Someone likes it, someone does not understand why a man says that he loves, that he will not leave, but at the same time he is ready for anything, just to keep his passport clean. If he doesn't care, then why choose this option, and not another? That's all. I asked my husband exactly that, but he could not find an answer. And he immediately proposed to me. And I like to be a wife both by feelings, and by law, and in the eyes of friends and relatives too. You can of course spit on others, but why spit, huh? And so - everyone lives as he wants - this is his right. I do not condemn those who live without painting. She lived on her own for a while. This was beneficial - they got to know each other, checked for compatibility and for the readiness for greater responsibility in life.

Veronika Kraygorod Zlatena, do you know that you can live in a registered marriage and, in fact, not be a wife. If you have a stamp in your passport, this is not a guarantee that a man will love you and carry you in his arms, this is not even a guarantee that he will sleep with you. And it’s foolish to hope that after a divorce from him, you will simply get rich. Literate people, in fact, even in a civil marriage, draw up property in shared ownership. And as for who calls whom ... People who live in a civil marriage also call each other husband and wife - maybe this is a discovery for someone, but in general, this does not require state permission, but a special relationship to friend. And if you live with a man and consider yourself a "cohabitant", then all claims to your man for the quality of life that he provides you.

Olga Kraigorod Let me ask you, Zlatena, what will a woman be left with if her ringed, "legitimate" husband finds another? And what will he call his ex-wife? I had a friend who ex-wife called nothing more than a "b / y-wife", i.e. "ex-used wife". And he remembers her, uttering just such a formulation. Sometimes it happens.

Zlatena Kraygorod so let's look at you, Oksana, how you will live in cohabitation, and then, God forbid, your cohabitant will find another and you will be left with nothing ... and you were essentially NO ONE to him .. and he will not remember you if didn’t want to call you his wife, then he didn’t need you ... And so he “married and left”

Oksana Kraygorod I read the comments and am amazed at the notoriety of our Russian women, who are still running after “stamps” and “statuses”. The most offensive thing is that, looking at people like you, all men believe that the task of all women on earth is to marry them to themselves. What difference does it make what your union is called in legal terms and God knows what other language, if you love a person, he loves you and you live together because you feel good together? Raise the girls' self-esteem, otherwise, in the pursuit of little white payments, rings, ransoms and other garbage, you will miss exactly what they call real feelings.

Ekaterina Kraygorod Yes, that's how it is. When a girl comes to live in a guy's family in a civil marriage, she is considered windy, frivolous, etc. And the boys (civilian husbands) are happy with everything and do not understand that this girl is walking around so frowning?! And anyway, a civil marriage is good, you can check how a person behaves when he relaxes. And now they rarely make an offer, and even in exceptional cases, they ask the girl’s mother for a hand. Because they are poorly educated and there are a lot of show-offs !!! And guys love to delay the wedding! And what?! They feel good: they are fed, watered, cherished, sleep with them, but why a wedding?

Alisa Kraygorod If a person loves, he will not delay the wedding. And if you don’t love, you can live, as they now call a civil marriage, although in legal language it is CO-HABILITY. And a civil marriage is registration in the registry office, but without a wedding in a church. To whom is it beneficial? Of course, young men and they use it very well. When women living in a so-called civil marriage are asked about her status - she says - MARRIED. And they ask a man - he says FREE. That's the whole point.