How to quarrel correctly: are weaknesses a taboo or a goal? Psychologist's advice: how to properly arrange family quarrels How to swear with a man

Scientists from the University of Arizona, led by psychologist Dr. Kyle Bourass, have studied conflicts and quarrels for 32 years. couples to find out how anger-producing reactions affect health. After a long study of 194 couples, scientists came to the conclusion that conflicts with loved ones are not so detrimental to health, and to some extent even beneficial if people quarrel with the same intensity. Moreover, scientists assure that if you respond symmetrically to the reproaches of the other side, no matter how difficult the situation, the chances of quickly coming to reconciliation are much higher than if you hush up resentment and anger. The statistics of the study showed that the more the subjects restrained their anger during family quarrels, the more often they fell ill and died prematurely. These results were published in the journal psychosomatic medicine.

But what if the conflicts in the family do not end, the man does not listen to you, and the socks are still scattered around the apartment? It turns out that the whole point is that you do not know how to quarrel properly, experts are sure.

“When a negative situation arises, be sure to express your dissatisfaction. You need to do this confidently so that it is clear what exactly it is. Your claims will be heard and taken into account with a greater degree of probability if you do not generalize and recall everything in a row. Avoid getting personal. In other words, it is worth talking about the situation that has happened without insults, curses and labeling a person. Just express your negative feelings and your opinion about the current situation. You need to do this with a confident, clear intonation, trying not to raise your voice much, ”explains psychologist Tatyana Poritskaya.

Rule number 1: do not try to resolve the conflict in a state of emotional arousal

As long as you are in a state of passion, no conflict will be resolved. This is important to remember. So first, let go of your emotions.

“If an emotion overtook you during a conversation, then leave the interlocutor under any pretext. You need to let off steam. The easiest thing to do is take a deep breath. If it is still not possible to retire, then do it with your partner. Let him see that you are trying to control yourself. This will only be a plus, ”advises the psychologist-sexologist Vasilena Zhuravina.

If the breathing exercise did not help, you can move on to more drastic measures: draw on a napkin, stomp your feet, or even swear - the main thing is to be alone, Zhuravina says.

“Try to slow down, literally. Try to move more slowly, think more slowly, breathe more slowly. Stay a couple of minutes in this state and by all means remember that you love this person, no matter what. Yes, now he has caused you severe pain, and you want to let him know how bad you are, but remember that all this will pass, ”adds psychologist Natalya Zholudeva.

Rule number 2: convey to a man how solving a particular problem will make you happy

In a dispute with a man, you need to focus not on personal reproaches. It is important to convey to him why a broken tap, lack of a car and a vacation make you unhappy, advises Olga Lazareva, a psychologist at the MEDICA medical holding.

So, in order to achieve a result from a man, tell us how important it is for you. Speak softly and without reproach. Be weak. For a man, there is no greater incentive for a feat.

It happens that a woman is unhappy with everything. No matter what a man does, she will still grumble: “So what - the faucet is fixed! Nonsense! Neighbors out new house bought!" In such a situation, you don’t want to do anything and no one, and it will be more difficult to force a man. It makes no sense, because no matter how hard you try, it will still be bad.

“Another thing is that it can be difficult for a woman to cope with her feelings, and a quarrel happens by itself. A man perceives conflict as a challenge to fight, where it is necessary to show who is stronger. The head at these moments turns off, only instincts work: you need to win. Later, when everything is calm, he will understand that he did not defeat the real enemy, but his own woman, ”says Lazareva.

“I-messages” work great, which make the man understand the logic of your experiences, dissatisfaction and other negative feelings.

“The scheme consists of three blocks: “When you ... (we describe what he does, but we don’t run into, strictly facts) stay late at work and don’t call, I ... (describe our emotional state) get angry and worry, come up with various horrors , it seems to me that you got hit by a train and I'm scared ... Please (we formulate a request - what do we want from him in connection with these feelings of ours), let me know if you are delayed. Or do you want me to call you myself, tell me when it's convenient for you? The scheme works great. Men usually understand the language of logic well. Therefore, if they know the reason, it will be easier for them to do what you ask,” emphasizes psychotherapist Yulia Kolonskaya.

Rule #3: Avoid value judgments

Have you noticed that as soon as you start saying general phrases to a man: “You don’t care about me”, “You don’t love me and you don’t understand”, the quarrel only intensifies? Such expressions make a man defend himself against you.

“Don’t use expressions like: “You always do this”, “You never”, “Forever you”. These words make the opponent feel guilty, so he will begin to prove his case and make excuses, or attack in response. And, as a rule, it always ends with a stormy showdown,” says practicing psychologist, founder of the SENTIO Center for Practical Psychology, Natali Ichenko.

You can criticize, scold, evaluate only actions or deeds, but not the person himself.

“It is wrong to tell a partner that he is a scoundrel, a scoundrel and a worthless person, especially since this is not true - you could not love a scoundrel and a scoundrel, right? Turning to your spouse, criticize only the act that brought you so many unpleasant minutes, ”adds Natalya Zholudeva.

To demonstrate the advice of psychologists in practice, we simulated several situations that could arise through the fault of a man, and asked experts to comment on them.

Situation #1: The man knew you didn't have the keys to the house. You previously agreed that he would leave the keys in the mailbox/neighbors before leaving for the meeting. However, he forgot to leave the keys, and calls and text messages did not answer. You had to wait at the entrance for an hour and a half. What to do?

“When explaining the situation, try to talk about your feelings - this argument is usually undeniable. You will probably say: “You don’t think about me at all, you knew that I didn’t have a key, but you didn’t care how I got home, you only thought about yourself, you are an egoist, you humiliated me!” I guarantee that you will cause a flurry of negative feelings towards yourself and the chances of finishing the deal in peace will plummet. Or you can say the following: “I had the feeling that you forgot about me, I was so hurt and so offended, I sat and cried, I felt abandoned, it seemed to me that I didn’t mean anything to you, I still it hurts when i think about it. I want you to remember me,” says Natalya Zholudeva.

“You can say this: “Yes, I couldn’t get home because I didn’t have a key. I tried to call you, but you didn't answer the calls. That's why I waited an hour and a half for you in the stairwell. And now I'm very, very angry with you! And besides that, I froze, I feel very sick at heart, from the fact that it seems to me: you did it on purpose. And I don’t know what to do with all this now.” And then you can just silently wait for his explanation. Believe me, this option will not force him to attack, defending himself from you.

By passing the word to a man for an answer, you will show that no matter what, you respect him, which will automatically cause a desire to return you the same coin. After he has explained himself, it is important to give him that opportunity. Be sure to explain what you want now. This item is as mandatory as all the previous ones, as it translates the situation into a constructive one. So that what “smelled” of a scandal received a positive development. This is how you improve your negotiation skills. Last but not least, remember that sometimes you are wrong. And if you can understand and forgive, then you, in turn, will be understood and forgiven, ”Vasilena Zhuravina answers.

Rule number 4: do not deviate from the topic of conflict

Very often, during a quarrel, past grievances are recalled. And this only complicates communication. Sometimes partners even forget why they had a fight, start discussing the events of five years ago, blame relatives or friends. Sin, by the way, this is more often women than men. Experts warn that this only complicates the relationship. By such methods, a woman will never achieve the desired result from her man.

“Very often during a quarrel, the subject of the conflict is lost, everything falls into one heap, old grievances are remembered, relatives intervene, there is a transition to personalities. Don't deviate from the topic. It is very important. Otherwise, you can say unpleasant words, which you will later regret. Grievances and unspoken claims tend to accumulate and one day may break like a dam. In the future, this may lead to conflict, where the cause will be insignificant, and the reaction to it and the strength of emotions are disproportionately large. You need to calmly and frankly sort things out, find “pain” points, adequately resolve conflict situations in order to maintain love and relationships,” says psychologist Natali Ichenko.

By the way, if the goal of your quarrel is just to sort things out, let off steam, get emotional release for past grievances, psychologists simply advise you to warn the man that now you want to quarrel with him.

Rule #5: Don't let a man make you feel guilty

Many experts agree that tantrums over trifles are a sign of low female self-esteem. For example, the cause of frequent groundless conflicts may be a subconscious block on happy relationship.

“If a man often offends you, violates your boundaries, then most likely you have a ban on a happy relationship. Such prohibitions come from childhood. A man, by his behavior, only indicates that it is necessary to pay attention to feelings dignity”, - says a specialist in individual initiations of male and female maturity, Yulia Kotyakhova.

However, if the man was really to blame for the situation, instead of making amends, he may try to make you guilty. Under no circumstances should such provocations be supported.

“It is very important from the very beginning to indicate that “this cannot be done with me.” Decide what is specifically unacceptable for you under any circumstances: treason, discussion of you with some specific people, assault. And this should not just be said, but accepted by both sides. own confidence within these boundaries will allow you to convincingly convey it to your partner. Everyone decides for himself that this situation, if this happens, will be the end of the relationship. Some doors in the subway say "no entry", although they can sometimes still be entered. Your doors, for certain situations, must be locked,” explains practicing psychologist Alena Al-As.

Sometimes it is not easy to evaluate your own actions and rightness in the process of a quarrel. Experts recommend writing down the situation that happened, as well as own feelings and experiences in a notebook. And reread them the next time they try to make you feel guilty.

“Do not succumb to manipulation and attempts to push the blame for what you have done. The best way to assess the situation soberly is to write down everything that happened on paper. And then analyze your discomfort in specifically measurable numbers: how many hours, for example, did you wait for a man because he forgot to leave you the keys to the house, how much money you lost because of this, what problems with health, well-being, self-esteem you have after that appeared, how you started to feel and so on. Reread all of this every time someone tries to make you feel guilty. At the same time, this will help assess the adequacy of your claim.

It is important to remember here that intangible, psychological problems, for example, a decrease in your self-esteem or a spoiled mood cost no less than the lost material resources. Because poor health, mood and low self-esteem subsequently, in any case, will negatively affect the productivity of your work. In any relationship, love and respect yourself first. And do not let anyone, regardless of the status, importance and degree of kinship with you, scoff at yourself, ”explained Anastasia Stepanenko, a coach for quick and effective problem solving.

Rule number 6: if a man is guilty, assess the damage received and ask for compensation

If the man was still wrong and has already admitted his mistakes, experts advise not to be shy about asking for compensation for the suffering or inconvenience caused to you.

“For the first time, you don’t need to forgive anything and say:“ Come on, everything is in order, my love! ”, Because the situation caused the woman discomfort. It is important to explain to the man once what the problem is and clearly indicate that you do not like this attitude towards yourself. The best way to demonstrate this is to talk to a man: “This made me uncomfortable and damaged my nervous system and health, but I do not like to be nervous. Therefore, to atone for your guilt, buy me such and such a thing. Then I will forgive you, but I will not tolerate such tricks in my address anymore. I respect others, but I demand the same for myself in a relationship.

And tell (just say, not ask) the man to buy you a thing that will be adequately commensurate with the damage caused to you. Not a dishwashing sponge or a frying pan. Not a carnation or a lone rose. Not a chocolate bar or a diet bar. And something significant that will make a man regret what he has done and work hard to atone for guilt, ”says Anastasia Stepanenko.

Rule #7: Keep your distance

No need to immediately pretend that everything is in order. After the fight is over, it's best to keep your distance for at least half an hour, preferably a few hours. The thing is that the human psyche is not able to recover from negative experiences in a few minutes. Moreover, it may seem to a man that the quarrel was not serious.

“If you are too quick-witted, then immediately calm down and act like nothing happened. And this is too fast smoothing. Often quick-witted people actually hold a grudge and then recall everything in a row. Or when a person forgets so quickly and forgives everything, others do not take his remarks seriously. It is better to keep a distance after the conversation for some time. For example, being alone and minding your own business. Allow the feelings to really settle down. Discontent cannot pass in five minutes. For this reason, it is difficult to go from resentment and anger to a positive attitude in a couple of minutes.

Depending on the situation, it may take from 30 minutes to several hours for the feelings to really subside. In no case can you just defiantly be silent and ignore a man. If, after expressing dissatisfaction, your chosen one immediately behaves as if nothing happened, starts joking merrily and involving you in other topics, you need to say the following: “I am still unhappy and feel offended, so I can’t joke and pretend that nothing has happened. Give me time to come to my senses, ”advises psychologist Tatyana Poritskaya.

Situation number 2: The faucet broke at home, interior door and a chandelier. For three weeks now, the man has been promising to do repairs, but nothing has changed. What to do?

“Instead of continuing to get angry and nag your husband, agree that a “specially trained person” will do this, and the husband will finance. Just say so: “Darling, I see that you don’t have time or you don’t want to do this. I understand, but it still needs to be done. I called (someone there), it will cost so much.” If you hear the answer: “Pay it yourself,” then the problem is much deeper than a leaky faucet or a broken lock. Almost any problem that has arisen can be solved by a normal conversation without notations and transition to personalities. And if in your case this is not possible, then you initially chose the wrong person. No showdown, and even more so scandals, will not help. They simply do not make any sense,” Alena Al-As comments.

“Consider the option when a man is lying on the couch, and the house has faulty appliances or unfinished repairs. Such a man himself expects something from his wife. He sees his mother in his woman. He wants to get from her what he did not receive in childhood. He certainly has masculine strength, but like Emelya from a fairy tale, he still needs to lie down on the “furnace” and ripen in order to be responsible for his male duties. I suggest you stop “motherly” taking care of a man. A woman in such a family usually “stops a galloping horse every day and enters a burning hut several times a day.” All this needs to stop, start strengthening your self-esteem. And if you seriously want to change your relationship, then contact a specialist, ”concludes Natalia Zholudeva.

How to live happily and in harmony with yourself? How to learn to love yourself? How to find and keep a man? Do you want to know the answers to these questions? Then watch the premiere of the new project “Mom Won't Teach You Like This” on weekdays at 12:30 on the MIR TV channel. “Mom won’t teach you this” is a teletextbook on a happy life from the famous female coach Pavel Rakov.

There are no conflict-free pairs. Quarrels are not only inevitable, but necessary. It is a quarrel that gives partners the opportunity to throw out the negative and talk about their dissatisfaction. I will talk about the rules of conduct during the conflict and the taboos that exist. Following my recommendations, you will learn how to properly quarrel and put up so that one day a skirmish over a trifle (for example, washing dishes) does not lead to a painful break.

Taboo in quarrels

The first and foremost rule is to never hurt your partner's sexual dignity. Instead of a thousand compliments, your lover will remember exactly the scandal during which you mocked his addictions or abilities. It's one thing to discuss the intimate side of a relationship in a relaxed atmosphere. And quite another - a deliberate barb, contemptuously thrown at the address of a man. It is not only male self-esteem that suffers from such attacks. Consider that from now on, the gap is just a matter of time.

Don't let a man doubt his own worth. Phrases such as “you are of no use”, “how could I marry you”, “and why do I need you” will bring your couple one step closer to breaking up. Do not convince your partner of his worthlessness. Men can't stand to be seen as pathetic and worthless. If you accuse him over and over again of the fact that your life passes by because of him - believe me, very soon he will leave even rare attempts to please you.

Never bring up the most painful topics. If a man is experiencing difficulties at work, do not question his professional qualities. If the last sex was not too good, try to restrain yourself and not be sarcastic. In the heat of a fight, all ways to hit harder seem appropriate. But when the conflict is over, you will be very ashamed of cowardice. A partner may try to forgive you, but your words will never be forgotten.

Don't make fun of physical handicaps. Such a tactic will deal a severe blow to the self-esteem of any person. If you have managed to mock your partner because of your short stature or the ridiculous shape of your ears, forget that you were once close. Examine your man's weak points so that you never touch them in the heat of a quarrel.

Ways to strengthen the alliance during a quarrel

Blaming a man for something is the worst way to convey to him the idea that you feel bad. Instead of “you are an everyday disabled person, at least once you washed your plate, just clean up after you” say “housework and work take a lot of my strength, I am very sorry that you do not appreciate my work.”

Instead of a “pathetic loser,” you send a message to your partner that their help is very valuable to you. Your man should know that he looks like a hero and a protector of comfort in your eyes if he takes out the garbage and puts his socks in the basket without reminders. Of course, such deliberateness seems ridiculous. Try at least once - it works.

It is important to talk about your feelings instead of blaming. Try not to label or insult your partner. Talk about what makes you uncomfortable in the form of I-statements. For example, “I am hurt because…”, “I am disappointed that…”, “I am very sad because…”. Psychologists often give this recommendation to couples in family therapy.

The phrases “you are a vile liar” and “it hurts me that you deceived me” only at first glance seem to have the same meaning. By accusing a man of something, you force him to take a defensive stance.. When you talk about your feelings, you are not judging his actions. But he will do it himself when he realizes that he has caused you discomfort. Speaking out your feelings good way resolve the conflict in your favor.

During a quarrel, do not remind a man of his past mistakes. If you were able to forgive him for a serious offense, find the strength in yourself not to remind him of this.

Think about the future. In the heat of a quarrel, stop for a second and try to disengage from what is happening. Consider whether the cause of such a violent scandal is really all that important. Imagine that you have already made up and now is the time to laugh at the situation. It is difficult to stop in a fit of anger and irritation, but it must be done. After all, if both have invested a lot of effort in a relationship, it’s stupid to destroy everything because of a trifle. Tell your partner about your thoughts. Let him know that scandal is as undesirable for you as it is for him.

Causes of conflicts

There are a great many reasons for a quarrel every day: you didn’t look at an outside girl like that, forgot about your mother’s birthday, left one cutlet in a frying pan and didn’t wash the dishes. In fact, these little things are just the tip of the iceberg. The true causes of quarrels are always hidden much deeper..

Most often, quarrels in a couple arise due to the fact that partners are in no hurry to justify each other's expectations. Be honest with yourself: when you first met your man, you were already annoyed by some little things. However, every woman is convinced that she can fit her soul mate to her own ideas about the man of her dreams. When this does not happen, mutual reproaches begin.

Speak unpleasant situations should be directly at the time of their occurrence. Later, when irritation grows to the limit, it is very difficult to restrain oneself and not say too much. Give your partner the right to be yourself, and in matters of principle for both of you, try to find a compromise.

Distrust of a partner often provokes conflicts in a couple. It may seem to you that your dissatisfaction is justified, because at his work new project with a nice colleague. Remember that this is not jealousy, this is distrust. If a man does not give you a reason to doubt his fidelity, and you are all looking for compromising evidence - think about it. Maybe you just need an acceptable excuse to end the relationship?

How to learn not to be jealous of a man? You can read about it in this one.

Fear of betrayal and deceit significantly undermines the emotional background of a woman. When our partner does not show his feelings to the extent that we would like, we begin to doubt the sincerity of his intentions. The reason for these doubts lies in self-doubt. No wonder they say that women dress up not for men, but for other women.

If you constantly expect a dirty trick from your soul mate, get on with your life: buy yourself those same shoes, go to the movies with a friend, find a hobby you like - fitness, reading, Italian language courses. When a person is busy, he does not compare himself with others. If a woman is confident and feels that she is interesting and attractive to other people, her partner will begin to see the same.

The benefits of quarrels

Temperament, fatigue, discontent - all this only increases the intensity of passions. Sooner or later, the accumulated irritation results in a scandal. There are no conflict-free pairs. It is obvious that quarrels have practical significance. So why do people fight, and how can you benefit from it? conflict situation?

The absence of quarrels does not speak of harmony reigning in a couple, but of indifference, which destroys relationships faster than any scandal.

A quarrel is a great opportunity to clarify your desires and intentions, find a problem and solve it. If you feel dissatisfied with your partner, but he keeps silent about all the questions, alertness arises. If a man can express his dissatisfaction according to all the rules of a good quarrel, this will only make the relationship more trusting. It is important to know that your partner will be direct about their irritation and give you the opportunity to find a solution. For your part, you must give the same feeling to your man. Such a constructive conflict will only benefit the relationship.

Quarrels are also needed in order to relieve internal tension, to share your stress with a partner. Researchers from the Albert Einstein Medical Center concluded that the level of conflict is directly related to the amount of testosterone in the body. This indicator also determines the tactics of behavior in a quarrel for both sexes. A high concentration of the hormone in men makes them raise their voice and show aggression. Women are prone to debriefing and moralizing.

Regardless of gender, people need the opportunity to get rid of negative emotions. Hidden conflict is much more dangerous than open confrontation. You can and should fight. The main thing is to do it in a way that does not cause irreparable damage to the relationship.

How to reconcile

Reconciliation is an important part of any quarrel. Learn to deal properly.

Immediately after the scandal, take a short time out. Taking a break will help you cool down and look at the situation from the outside. Great for a quick walk. When you feel that you have come to your senses, you can start a truce. Be sincere. Let them know that you're sorry about the fight.

If you were the one who initiated the fight, start with "I'm sorry we had a fight." Do not try to prove your case, you can do it in more suitable conditions. Your task is to show the man that you have come to put up, and not to continue the scandal.

If the partner has not cooled down yet, do not take it as a personal insult. Give him time to recover. The worst tactic is to stir up another fight because of his mood. However, remember: if a man refused to reconcile, it is he who must take the next step towards reconciliation.

Answers on questions

Who should take the first step towards reconciliation?

The one who was objectively wrong should initiate reconciliation. If your partner started the fight, help him make peace with you. It is not necessary, because of a trifle, to be contemptuously silent for a week and ignore the existence of your companion.

How soon can I forgive him?

If a man has done something unacceptable to you, make it clear that a simple “sorry” will not return your location. This is how people are arranged - they do not appreciate what cost them nothing. Therefore, the man who offended you should, not with words, but with his actions, return your good attitude. If he doesn't even try, that says a lot about the value of your relationship to him. You are hardly on the way with this person.

Should physical abuse be forgiven?

Stop any rudeness in your address. Do not let a man insult you, threaten you, and even more so beat you. If this has already happened, do not try to justify his act, do not feel sorry for him. Remember: if he hit you once, he will definitely do it again. There is only one way out of the situation - a break.

What to remember:

1. Never touch sexual and physical virtues in a quarrel.
2. Express your dissatisfaction in the format of I-statements.
3. Do not insult your partner, do not drag old disagreements into the conflict.
4. Recognize your partner's right to not live up to your expectations.
5. Spend your time doing activities that are enjoyable for you - sports, hobbies, recreation - to feel confident in yourself and stop quarrels based on jealousy.
6. People don't appreciate things that don't cost them anything. If a man is seriously guilty, let him know that he must earn your forgiveness by his actions.

Well, they quarreled, sorted it out, apologized to each other and everything is fine. Life continues to flow on knurled. And if not? If resentment has grown into a real snowball and is ready to turn into an avalanche and demolish everything that stands in the way? How to act in such a situation, if the relationship is still dear to you, and you would like to keep it? First of all, you need to get rid of resentment. How to do this, read the article “The Power of Forgiveness. How to become happy and how to keep love in the family. And secondly, learn to quarrel correctly and swear correctly.

To swear and quarrel correctly is also an art. And now I will try to prove it to you.

Let's first figure out what are the main reasons why we are offended by our second halves?

Didn't call . Horror! Indeed, how could he? You are all on your nerves, waiting for a call, worrying, but it doesn’t even blow in your mustache! Well, how can you not be offended and not make a scandal?

Yes, calmly. Let off steam and let's judge adequately. If a person is not initially predisposed to calling you three or four times a day and one phone call is enough for him to find out if everything is in order, then it is simply pointless to demand more from him. Well, he does not like this chatter on the phone. He is more pleased to see you with his own eyes and chat in real life than on the other end of the wire. This feature must either be accepted, or be aware that if you really need reusable phone calls, then you will have a hard time with this person. Then she herself needs to somehow rebuild, than to strain the man: “Well, call me. Why did not you call?" Etc. He can and will call at first, but it will be through force. And, in the end, he will get tired of playing the role of the "eternal telephone operator" ..

Another thing is if at a particular stage he really showed activity, several times a day he was interested in how you were doing, and then abruptly stopped doing this. Of course, the question arises: why? What's happened. And we turn on the artillery of calls, SMS, terrorizing our beloved with our attention. Of course, it is worth finding out the reason for the cooling, but it is necessary to act not with pressure, but delicately and diplomatically.

Everything should be dosed and in moderation. Busting is fraught not only with a quarrel, but also with disgust. A notification on his phone that another SMS has come from you can, in the end, cause aggression and irritation in him.

The reasons why a person did not call can be very different: tired, hard and nervous day, desire to be alone, strong employment at work. If these are one-time cases that have not turned into excuses and a system, then you should not panic. If a person thinks about you, wants to hear, he will in any case be rehabilitated and call you the next day. And if he is more busy with himself, then at least they drank, they didn’t drink for a call, this will not help the situation, but will only bring the relationship to naught faster. Understanding and patience is what will help to avoid a quarrel. And remember, you are a woman, but not a hunter, read about it.

Doesn't fulfill your requests . It's embarrassing too. But why doesn't it work? Maybe a man does not even know how important something is to you. After all, you must admit that although the stronger sex is called such, they are not oracles to read our thoughts and desires. And you immediately begin to swear and quarrel, but why? It doesn't matter here whether you argue correctly or not. The reason is different.

It is important to really make it clear how much a particular issue excites you and you are not indifferent. Methodically, drop by drop, you can achieve a good result. But not by shouting, coercion and swearing. And it doesn’t matter if you swear and quarrel correctly or not. This applies to many things: household chores, walking the dog, buying flowers…

Jealousy. Another reason for resentment and quarrels! However, it may or may not be justified. If your man is a reveler, a womanizer, and you have repeatedly caught him, so to speak, “hot”, then here the conversation is not about how to quarrel properly, but about what might be better to leave. About whether you need such a relationship at all, when a man does not appreciate what he has and is not afraid to lose you.

If jealousy is a part of your nature, where constant suspiciousness, suspicion, distrust are present in your character, then this is a minus, most likely just for you.

Where have you been? Why so late? What is it, hair? I know you're cheating on me! These questions irritate the man to the point of pain. And if at first he makes excuses, tries to explain that, for example, the phone ran out of power, met a friend, got stuck in a traffic jam, and so on, then this terror will only get on your nerves.

Do not be offended, but you are the provocateur. That irritant from which you want to run far away. Who will be pleased to be in the radiation zone, and experience eternal discomfort. Even if the wire is still de-energized, where is the guarantee that in a moment you will not be shocked? No, it's better to stay away from this place. So you become such a wire with current for your man.

Suspiciousness, eternal grievances, suspicions - that's all it is, jealousy. That worm that eats you from the inside and systematically brings discord into relationships. The vaccine against it can only be trust, a sense of tact, self-confidence and an adequate assessment of the situation. Rashid Kirranov's amazing book "How to Become Self-Confident in 3 Months" will help you develop self-confidence - I recommend it.

When everything boils in the soul and the mind is clouded, actions and words are far from the norm. It is unlikely that anyone will want to live with a nervous, jealous hysterical woman. Only perhaps a masochist or henpecked. Do you need one?

Coarseness . It is not even worth dwelling on this issue for a long time. Rudeness must be stopped immediately. And firmly and without rassusolivaniya. A person who allows impartial words addressed to you in itself does not inspire respect and the title of a real man. Smoothing out the conflict here does not make sense. As well as endure and think that he will change and everything will be fine. Will not. You either have respect or you don't. And allowing you to wipe your feet on yourself or respond with rudeness to rudeness is no longer a relationship, but sparring. But after all, a man and a woman are not two boxers who fight each other. Ideally, these are two allies who support each other, care for and try not to hurt their soul mate.

But still, what to do if the conflict is already inevitable and the mechanism called a quarrel is launched? Everything is boiling inside you, you want to tell your partner everything that you think about him. At this moment, sometimes such words fly out of your mouth that you may not even have thought about. But…they have already been spoken……. Wait a minute. So you live with cattle? Or did you just call him that, because you had to say something? Only now the word is not a sparrow, you won’t catch it anymore. And even if after a while the conflict can be settled, then the person’s memory still remains those statements that you called him. Slowly but surely, resentment accumulates, then to splash out like a tsunami. Therefore, before you say something, think about whether you will regret what was said. You can, of course, apologize later, but as they say, the sediment remains. Words are like a dagger, they can hurt even more painfully than having received physical injuries. This is a wound that aches and makes a person uncomfortable. I recommend that you read a series of articles by Anastasia Guy on how to get rid of anger and aggression and how to swear and quarrel properly. Read the first part.

Some of my acquaintances are very temperamental people and cannot do without scandals in their family. It even turns them on in a certain way. However, nevertheless, they never stoop to insults and humiliations towards each other. Yes, they scream, they beat the dishes - this is their feature. But calling one another is not. It's taboo. A taboo that should be present in every family.

And let calm come after the storm, but storms are different. There are waves that crashed against the rocks and calmed down. And there are those who bring destruction. Here are the words spoken in the heat of the moment, just can be such waves that destroy the good attitude towards you that was originally. Moderate this element within you. After all, breaking is so easy, but gluing is very difficult: the cracks will still be visible.

There are also people who during quarrels prefer not to shout, but ... to be offended. They were offended and went into themselves ... for a long time. Maybe silence is golden, but not in this case. How can a person know what you are offended by if you are silent? They pouted like a turkey and do not talk, showing, nevertheless, with all appearance that they are unhappy. The problem must be discussed, negotiated, solutions and compromises sought. But! Quietly, at the level of negotiations. Explain to your partner what you don't like and that he will try not to do it again. Playing silent is the privilege of children, but not adults

I would also like to cite one fairy tale as an example: “The Kingdom of Crooked Mirrors”. Remember, at the end the main character looked at herself from the side and drew the necessary conclusions. So maybe we adults should look at ourselves from the outside more often? After all, not only the partner always does everything wrong and brings us to emotions. We are also not angels and we can be wrong. In your own eye, of course, it is difficult to even see a log, not like a speck of dust in the eyes of another. But this is the art of relationships: to be demanding, first of all, to yourself. Think about what you say, what you do and how pleasant or unpleasant it will be for your person. Being a "chainsaw" is very easy and break relationships, like a toy house too. But what will be left? A pile of rubble... So maybe it's worth being relationship builders, not destroyers. And for this you need absolutely simple materials: loyalty to each other, understanding, patience, diplomacy and acceptance of a person as he is.

You also need to know how to swear. Let petty quarrels be just an excuse for stormy and passionate reconciliations, like a fresh breeze. The draft, which flew in, ventilated the space and flew away. But not a hurricane, after which nothing remains but ruins and broken hearts.

Sincerely, Mila Alexandrova.

“It's hard for me! We need to hug to make sure we still love each other."
"It's hard for me! You need to be alone in order to calm down, understand yourself and the situation.“ Familiar?

Some, more often women, during a quarrel quickly flare up and cool down just as quickly.

Others, and among them there are more men, try to control themselves: resentment or anger accumulates slowly and, only reaching the boiling point, breaks out. It also takes time to recover, and a lot of it.

In each pair, one is more emotional and plays the role of “approaching”, while the other is more restrained and responsible for distancing. Sometimes roles can change. Yes, there are hot "Italian" families, whose dramas have been watched by neighbors for years, and couples of phlegmatic people, but there are few of them. In any case, the rules of an effective truce work for everyone.

calm down

Emotions, including negative ones, are useful to express: hidden and driven inside anger, resentment, pain only make things worse. Another thing is that the expression must be constructive. And sometimes, before “broadcasting” the negative, it’s better to take a walk, take a shower, punch a pillow or do 50 squats. If the emotional background goes off scale and you know from experience that you will later regret what you said, squat, and then swear.

This material was prepared for you by the magazine team Cosmopolitan Psychology

Make Conflict Productive

With the right alignment, you should come up with a solution that suits everyone. And this is the most important point. Otherwise, no matter how touchingly you reconcile, a quarrel on the same occasion will soon flare up again. By the way, hot "Italian" couples often fall into this trap: the fuse is gone, everyone is hugging, but the problem has not been solved.

Unfortunately, in addition to one-time conflicts, there are long-term and intractable ones - when a controversial issue arises with enviable frequency. Does the mother-in-law like to come without asking and clean up? Does your loved one not like that your work is connected with business trips? And you - that he scatters clothes? Such stories, even if they are connected with trifles, are annoying, just like an untreated tooth. This means that they undermine relationships, taking positive and warmth out of them. If good option there is no solution, choose at least a satisfactory one: such that at this stage (and not only at the moment of forgiveness-reconciliation) it would be acceptable to both.

Separate the problem from the person

When making claims, do not deviate from the essence and do not get personal: when it comes to business trips, you should not blame the lack of a sense of humor or recall the intrigue of five years ago. After all, your task is to work together to find the right way out, and not to prove who is right, who is wrong, and who even scatters clothes.

apologize

And accept an apology. This is not so easy to do: in a constructive apology, everyone admits guilt for their contribution to the negative. Ask for forgiveness only for specific actions that you consider erroneous: “I'm sorry that I broke down,” “It's my fault that I raised my voice.” And - be sure to say what hurt you: “I was offended to hear that ...” It’s wrong to apologize “for show” - in this case, the partner feels insincerity, and you, without understanding what’s the matter, risk stepping on the same rake .

Do not apologize for the content of the conflict if the question really bothered you: “I'm sorry that I'm jealous of you” or “I'm sorry that I can't love your daughter from my first marriage.” After all, you leave no chance for a solution.

In addition, you should not take all the blame on yourself: “Sorry, I have a disgusting character, I always spoil everything.” Both are involved in the conflict, and both are responsible for it.

We don’t even need an apology with the caveat: “Of course, I’m wrong, but you yourself brought me down” - in this way we remove the blame from ourselves, outweigh it on a partner and give a round to a new conflict.

Do not rush

If a man, or you, or both of you, after a quarrel, needs to sort yourself out, be silent and calm down, this is normal. No need to artificially pull your loved one into a whirlpool of feelings or force yourself to smile and go to the movies - it will only get worse. You both have the right to privacy and reflection. The main thing is that this does not turn into a demonstration and manipulation - when you need not time, but increased attention: “No, no, everything is fine, I was not offended, you should not be at a loss, who cares about my feelings at all.”

love fever

Should the reconciliation end with sex? Yes, if "complete" does not equate to "replace". Suppose the cause of the quarrel is trifling, and the quarrel itself can be called an outbreak rather than a conflict. Then the release of the accumulated tension will help to feel the partner, his love and intimacy. But on the condition that both of you are ready for it. If one does not yet want tactile proximity, even simple hugs, the second can only be patient. And to make it easier, turn your attention to other things.

By the way, the phrase “I never take offense at anyone” is also implausible. Being offended is normal, the main thing is to understand the reason and help yourself and your partner draw the right conclusions.

Don't press

Some people have a hard time admitting they're wrong. They generally have a difficult relationship with guilt. There may be several reasons. For example, often such recognition, especially for men, is equated with defeat and almost humiliation. Another reason is an unresolved conflict with guilt that comes from childhood: when a child considered himself “extreme” in some difficult situation: for example, in the illness of relatives (“He behaved badly, his grandmother’s heart ached”) or divorce of parents. In this case, the topic of guilt is, in principle, very difficult, frightening and painful. If you feel that the words "I'm wrong" are hard for your loved one, do not force them. And if you can’t pronounce them yourself, try to express your feelings with actions. This works even better.

Everyone quarrel! Even if understanding and reciprocity reign in your family, periodic quarrels cannot be avoided. And it's okay if the quarrel is moderate and constructive. Another thing is important - to understand how to quarrel correctly.

It is impossible to do without quarrels in any relationship. They occur among friends, couples, at work and on public transport. It will not be possible to avoid them, no matter how a person tries, because a quarrel is the result of our internal disagreement. Therefore, avoiding quarrels is not recommended.

Quarrels are a splash negative energy caused by aggression. Aggression arises as a result of a person's disagreement with someone else's point of view, his behavior or manner of communication.

Given that there are no identical people, there are no completely identical opinions, so disagreement is a normal reaction.

Why do people swear

Many people think that The best way support a good relationship is to never quarrel. But this is a controversial position. If you constantly agree with other people's opinions and suppress your own, sooner or later this will lead either to a nervous breakdown, akin to an exploding bomb, or to nervous exhaustion. This is a common scenario.

It is much better not to inflate the conflict to the size of an “elephant”, to swear in a petty way, when you can painlessly extinguish the conflict without aggravating the situation and without taking things to the extreme. In addition, we have been told since childhood that nerve cells do not recover, and all human diseases are the consequences of nervous exhaustion and constant stress. So since a) quarrels cannot be avoided, b) you don’t want to spoil the relationship, in such a situation the best way out is to learn how to quarrel correctly.

In fact, any quarrel is a conflict of interest.

If a person does not know how to get out of a conflict situation, he seeks to cope with aggression simply - by using force.

But this is an extreme case, which can have the most Negative consequences, and even more so if this is a quarrel in the family, then divorce is not far off. Unleashing fists is great way to hurt a person and silence him, but this does not mean that even after that he will agree with your rightness. Then what is the point of doing useless and illogical actions based on momentary emotions?

How to quarrel properly

For those who value relationships and seek to preserve them, it is important not that the person shut up, but that he accept his point of view, or at least try to do so. You need to learn to maintain self-control even in the hottest situation and not allow yourself to sink to a certain point. Everyone defines this feature for himself. Below we will give 5 recommendations that will allow you not to quarrel to smithereens and not say too much, because accidentally dropped words can firmly get stuck in your head and gnaw a hole in your relationship for many years. Knowing how to swear correctly, you can save both family and friendly relations, and the conflict with the boss will not end in dismissal.

5 rules for a good fight

1. Trying to sting harder in a dispute, do not touch weak points.

   This is especially true for couples who live with each other for a long time and know each other's most vulnerable points. This does not mean that the partner's weaknesses are taboo. On the contrary, they must be understood, but not cherished like a trump card in the sleeve, and never used. If you neglect this rule, you can inflict severe psychological trauma on a person, which he will never forgive you, and if he does, then only to bypass the continuation of the conflict. Touching a person to the quick, you deeply hurt him, and if the next day you already forget it, then the opponent will remember the insult all his life. In addition, it is important not to forget that it is the mutual exchange of such barbs that usually turns from a verbal squabble into assault.

2. Sexual altercations.

   A quarrel in the family can have different reasons, and sometimes the husband’s usual dissatisfaction with oversalted borscht can turn into an insult to sexual virtues. Never use sexual slurs in conflicts that make fun of or exaggerate sexual imperfections. After a couple of such conflicts, resentment will grow to such an extent that sex with each other will no longer bring pleasure, it will seem like a shameful “obligation”, and the image of a sexual clumsy and quick-shooter will firmly get stuck in your head, and all this is the consequences of carelessly thrown words. In fact, a quarrel with insults of sexual overtones is the end of normal relations between people, because they no longer respect each other.

3. How to quarrel for a woman?

   Never shout to your husband or boyfriend in a conflict that he is a nonentity, a weakling, a slob and a rag, even if he really is. After these words, you will have to think. If he is, then what is wrong with you? Why do you need him like that? This is a humiliation of manhood that no normal man will tolerate, so if you want to offend, use words without a pronounced pejorative context: scoundrel, scoundrel, fool, but not a whiner and a weakling.

4. How to swear at a man?

   Never call a woman fat, sour, ugly. You are on edge, but in front of you is your beloved woman. Nobody forbids you to swear at her in order to throw out your emotions. Call her a spender, a slob, but everything related to her appearance, especially if she is not perfect, is taboo. It's like putting an end to your relationship with her. Besides, if she is really like that, what are you doing next to her, so handsome and manly?

5. Argument!

   To understand how to quarrel correctly, it is enough to understand that the emphasis should be on intelligible arguments, not insults, and if you couldn’t get away from offensive words, focus on ways to shame and scold, without remarks below the belt. Words thrown in a fit of emotion are more likely to get stuck in the subconscious. How will you explain after reconciliation that he is not a coward or she is not fat?

Get the point: family relationships This is a zone of maximum openness and at the same time vulnerability. Therefore, it is so important to try not to prick your partner once again with a random word or action.

What was said in a quarrel, especially if this quarrel is in the family, programs the partner for a reaction of attraction or rejection towards you. And don't be silent. By silence, you provoke a new portion of negative emotions in the raging consciousness of your partner. The right quarrel does not carry sediment, even if you just tore and threw and were ready to grind each other to powder. As the saying goes, the darlings scold - they only amuse themselves. However, if after each new quarrel it is more and more difficult for you to experience what was said and heard, you should seriously think about. Quarreling is an art, and the one who owns it has every chance to build a full-fledged relationship.