“15 recipes for a happy relationship without cheating and betrayal. From the master of psychology" Irina Gavrilova-Dempsey. The story of one woman Loyalty always "walks" with betrayal

Irina Anatolyevna Gavrilova-Dempsey

15 recipes for a happy relationship without cheating and betrayal. From the master of psychology

* * *

I have already read a dozen books about women's happiness. And it's not that I feel unhappy, but I always want more. To my surprise and joy, Irina's book turned out to be head and shoulders above similar literature. From the first lines you understand that the author's soul is invested in the book - everything is said so soulfully, so clearly and deeply.

Vasilisa, Moscow

This book made me rethink my relationship with my husband. It turns out that exactly what I did not pay attention to is almost the most important thing in family life. Thanks to Irina's invaluable advice, she managed to save her family and resurrect her old feelings again.

Olga, Stavropol

This is how it is customary for us: to solve a problem when it already exists. I used to do exactly the same, and as a result, so many deceived hopes and expectations! Then she said a firm “no” to herself suffering, picked up a wonderful book and began to read. How well everything is said, every word! I am delighted!

Inna, Krasnodar

Finding a good book is not easy. This one is the most helpful! If you want to get rid of suffering and worries because of men, you will not find a better "textbook"!

Valentina, Tver

Oh, if I had come across this book 20 years ago, there would probably not have been three marriages behind my back and disappointments in men. But Irina gave hope to feel happy again. Thanks.

Anna, Saratov

Thanks

I want to express my deep gratitude to my dear husband Michael Dempsey for always inspiring me and helping me in my work.

To my amazing son, Denis Gavrilov, who supports me and shows genuine interest in everything I do.

To my analyst, Sokolov S.E., for helping me pass my karmic lessons.

I thank my brother Pergaev Vitaly and his wife Pergaev Roza for being in my life.

I would like to thank my friends Olesya Landry, Elena Ivasenko, Elena Titova, Marina Nikulova for their help, love and kindness.

Dedicated to my beloved mother Tamara Grigorieva and my amazing father Anatoly Grigoriev

Introduction

God! Give me reason and peace of mind

Accept what I'm not into power to change,

The courage to change what I can

And the wisdom to distinguish one from the other.

We fail to find joy and peace in life, often because we are trying to change what we cannot change. And we often give up and do nothing where we can change something.

A woman has a huge power that can change and transform the space around her.

This power of transformation is in our depths, so it is very important to take care of our inner state.

Each of us has our own story and our own path, but this is what unites us all.

From time immemorial we have been striving for happiness, it is very important for us to realize ourselves in love. Every woman wants to be loved and the only one for her husband. But the path to love is not easy. A woman meets many fears and doubts on this road. And how important it is sometimes to get advice, knowledge, hint, support, help in order to have the strength to move on.

This book is about love, about how to come to it, and about the obstacles that are encountered on the way to love and happiness, which bring great joy to the life of each of us. But often internal fears and unresolved problems turn the joy of love into suffering and everyday quarrels, showdowns and mutual recriminations.

Where there is love, there is often betrayal, this book will help you survive the betrayal and become happy again. I will share not only my 15 years of experience, but also, of course, mine personal experience. This book will help you find feminine wisdom, peace and harmony.

To be a wise woman, you must first learn to love yourself and take care of yourself.

If you want to bind a man to you, try not to be attached to him. It is paradoxical, but you need to keep a man by letting go.

The ability to let go is a luxury that comes with self-love. If harmony and order reign within you, and you know why you live on this Earth, then next to a man you will become even more beautiful and happier.

A man, oddly enough, loves not a woman, but his condition next to her. His love depends on HOW he feels next to the chosen one.

If he feels like a MAN next to you, he will try to do everything in his power. It is very important for him to be the BEST in your eyes. And with such a MAN you will feel like a real WOMAN.

A woman is waiting for a meeting with such a man, forgetting that first you need to accept a woman in yourself, first in the face of your mother. Only after that a man will come into your life whom you can love, and most importantly, respect. When you are in conflict with your mother, you are in conflict with your feminine nature. Seeing the MAN in your man is your responsibility. If deep in the unconscious you do not respect a man, and in your inner world he is already devalued, then no matter how hard you try to be happy, you will not succeed. And you will blame your husband for your misfortunes, asking yourself questions: why do the same situations regularly come into my life? Why do relationships with men develop according to a repeating scenario?

Nothing will change until you realize your contribution to all your own suffering and to everything that happens in your relationship.

Karmic lessons come into your life not to punish, but to show mistakes, give you the opportunity to correct them, receive healing and find the strength in yourself to change what you can change. And you can only change yourself.

Until you understand your lessons, your constant companions in different guises, until then you will live in suffering.

Often women do not understand the deep meaning of their suffering.

Faced with the betrayal and betrayal of their husband, they spend a lot of time fighting a rival in the hope of getting the man back, and after that they live for many years with resentment and anger at their husband. Resentment does not let go, even if he remained in the family.

The woman does not understand husband is her karmic teacher.

It is impossible to forgive betrayal, you can forget it, oust it from your memory, but the pain of betrayal will resonate dully in your heart for many years until you see something more than just betrayal in betrayal.

In the process of understanding and mastering this lesson, you will change your attitude to what happened, you will see in your family life the recurring drama of your childhood. And only then, having understood and realized that there is no one to blame or everyone is to blame, you will find the strength in yourself for understanding and real forgiveness, which will lead you not only to healing, but also to spiritual growth and inner changes. To a different perception of the world, relationships and yourself.

The purpose of writing this book was my great desire to help you change your outlook on some life events, to help you understand what problems you need to solve. To help come to love and happiness, to peace of mind and harmony.

Karmic life lessons

In a relationship with a man, a woman goes through her karmic lessons:

1. There are no random people.

2. Loving and needing love are two different things.

3. How beliefs affect relationships.

4. Love for a man begins with love for yourself.

There are no random people in our life

Despite the experiences, the woman has an amazing opportunity to be healed. Over the years of my work, I have listened to many different women's stories. And, unfortunately, always sad, filled with pain and suffering.

Happy women don't come to me... They rarely go to psychologists at all - happiness is not customary to "treat".

You know that we have consciousness, and there is something unconscious, and the scripts for your relationships already exist in the depths of this unconscious. When you meet a man, you are only replaying a relationship record that was made as a child.

The unconscious is a huge part of the psyche, access to which is closed to consciousness.

The conscious lives its own life, the unconscious lives its own. The actions and motives of the unconscious are unknown to us, but they no less affect our lives and relationships. We do not notice this influence, but we feel it.

Have you noticed that very often your conscious desires cannot be realized in any way?

Often, many women go out of their way to please, to help their household, not at all paying attention to their own person.

How to love a man

The feeling of love is so individual and intimate that it seems as if our heart does not need anyone's advice on how to love a man correctly. You just need to love as you can, as you feel. And yet I would like to focus on the subtleties that exist in the relationship between a man and a woman.

The feeling of love inspires, gives incredible emotions, a sea of \u200b\u200bjoy. But why does it sometimes happen otherwise, and happiness turns into tragedies, family troubles, exhausting quarrels, bringing mental pain?

They say, Advice is easy to give, hard to follow, especially if they relate to the field of relations between men and women. Otherwise people are happy and satisfied with life there would be immeasurably more. However, even dozens of practical and wise advice is unlikely to bring the desired results if you do not let them through yourself, do not feel them, do not harmonize them with your inner self.

If a low assessment of a man has developed in unconscious thinking, you do not feel respect for him, then any attempts to become the right wife for him will not lead to harmonious relationships and will not give a feeling of happiness.

Advice should be aimed at helping a woman, first of all, to understand herself., to determine the existing shortcomings and complexes, to fully realize the feminine essence and perception of men. However, we must not forget that relationships depend, of course, on the internal state of each of the partners, the feeling of comfort or, conversely, discomfort.

The desire of a man to be near a woman and do the maximum possible for her, for the family is due to how much he feels like a man, being next to his soul mate. A similar state of a man depends on how the partner positions herself. Only feeling like a wise woman, she sees a man in her partner. But we are responsible for what is happening inside us, and we take care of our deep state, mood, only we ourselves.

In this regard, you should first reflect on us women, and then take apart the second half of humanity and delve into the topic of why and how they love and what psychologists mean by the phrase: how to love a man.

12 main rules of a wise woman

1. Relations with a man should not be transformed into continuous duties, you should not deprive yourself of the elements of joy.

Having taken on a huge amount of work with overtime, and then all the household chores and everyday problems, feel happy woman in a marathon like this. Regular overwork, constant lack of sleep cause energy depletion. And in this state it is a priori impossible to have any good mood nor joy. As a result, the negative spills out on loved ones, in particular, on a man.

2. Be sure to listen to yourself and your desires.

Often, many women go out of their way to please, to help their household, not at all paying attention to their own person. When it is a joy and brings satisfaction, energizing, great! But such actions often give a different result: caring for others is exhausting and tiring T.

There is only one recipe in this case - to remember and take care of yourself. How to do it? To begin with, relieve yourself of some of the responsibilities, redistributing them among all family members. The second step is to learn to refuse, saying a decisive “no”, and also to determine the boundaries of personal space both in the real and in the inner world.

3. Do not be obsessive in love, do not burden your partner with it, but do not demand from a man permanent manifestations attention and care.

A woman should be wise, having an inner world filled with calmness, balance, harmony. The fear that has settled to be unnecessary, to remain lonely, the rejection of life without the presence of a man will play a cruel joke with you. In addition to your will, you will complicate, worsen relations, and therefore spoil your own being.

The formula for proper love for a man is based on partnership. You can’t get lost, lose yourself in a relationship, trying to become inseparable from your partner, encroaching on his personal space, and on your own too. Any woman needs, like air, to have her own interesting life. You should not sacrifice your favorite hobbies, refuse to communicate, move away from friends, focusing exclusively on a man, as on the most important object in life, forgetting about everything in the world and about himself, in particular.

4. Learn to take care of your inner state and experience the pleasure of doing homework.

For example, if you are working on cooking, then tune in in such a way that this procedure brings you joy, and is not a duty aimed at bungling something up, and the family does not remain hungry.

You definitely need to learn to experience pleasant emotions from any work that you do. Be sure to carve out some time for yourself in the morning to sit down with a cup of morning coffee or tea, savoring which will set you up positively for the day ahead.

5. Don't hold a grudge. Proper communication is a whole science, owning it, a person becomes successful.

Relationships with men are no exception. Therefore, you need to learn this wisdom. Of course, it is very difficult to restrain your emotions when you have been offended, insulted, upset.

It is necessary to strive so that your inner world is always normal, you cannot accumulate and hide grievances, past pain in it. They need to be dealt with in time and released. Necessary also get rid of the snares of negative attitudes, they so often interfere with enjoying and enjoying life. If you manage to get rid of them, then you will gain the ability to control yourself and your words.

When a woman is offended, she hurts, she tries to get rid of these painful sensations, clinging to the living and causing pain to a man. And he makes an irreparable mistake, since further mutual understanding becomes impossible.

The correct communication with a man will be your message about your feelings. You need to say: "I'm terribly angry," "I'm furious," or "I feel offended." After that, be sure to explain the cause of this condition and offer a way out that is acceptable to you.

This approach preserves the manhood of your half., while accusations against him always have a negative impact on a man and lead to a more serious aggravation of relations and mutual insults. Defend your point of view, your interests, desires should be peaceful and correct.

6. In a conversation with a man, be sure to control your facial expressions and intonations in your voice.

In addition to verbal communication, there is also a meaningful language of facial expressions and gestures. Sometimes he is so eloquent that he can tell much more than phrases, and convey to the partner that real attitude towards him that is hidden deep inside you. Often we can’t even imagine what lies inside us and that these deep feelings are far from always positive.

The bottom line is that you are deluded into thinking that you are building your relationship with a certain man. In fact, you build them based on the attitudes that are learned in the family where you grew up. They are absorbed from the mother, formed on the basis of how she treated her spouse, and in general to men.

7. In communication with a man, maximum openness is assumed without omissions and hints of feelings, desires, since men do not understand women's insinuations.

Often complexes do not allow a woman to ask for something. She is convinced that a man is obliged to guess about her aspirations and desires. But self-confident and wise women do not speak in blunt terms, but directly state their desires., and they do it right, because even the Gospel says: “Ask, and it will be given to you ...”

But the requests must be sincere. And you should always be ready to refuse, but at the same time, do not let yourself gnaw on doubts about the possibility of not fulfilling your request. And be patient, you need to educate it in yourself, because you can’t count on the agility from a man in fulfilling your desire. Each individual processes information differently. One will need a couple of days to comprehend and implement your request, the other will have to wait several months for the result.

Therefore, they expressed their request - and immediately forgot. But if this archive is important to you, then you can draw up your desire on a piece of paper and attach it in a conspicuous place. This will become a kind of reminder.

Self-confident women practically do not allow the possibility of refusal, but still, if they encounter such a circumstance, then they are not too upset about this. In any case, they do not regard this case as if they are not loved. Sincere requests addressed to a man make him feel his need, and, therefore, give confidence and strengthen the condition of a man.

8. The ability to be grateful, the ability to sincerely express gratitude and rejoice at the right actions of a man, and not focus on shortcomings - this is another principle that explains how to love a man correctly.

Living together under the same roof often leads to the fact that a man begins to be considered by a partner as her property, everything he does is taken for granted. As a result such important words like "thank you" or "thank you" drop out of the lexicon. But even if they are pronounced, they often become just on duty, but they should sound sincerely, from the bottom of their hearts.

How easy it is for us to thank other people, sometimes unfamiliar, for any service, and so we are stingy with words of gratitude for our man.

9. Do not paint in a negative way to the mother and girlfriends of your man, creating a negative image.

First of all, you yourself in this case do not appear in the very at its best because it was your choice. Other side of the coin: you form a negative characterization of your partner, set your loved ones against him. Therefore, if a crack appears in your relationship with a man, you are unlikely to find the necessary support if you want not to lose them. Most likely, they will convince you of the opposite, arguing that he is not worth you, he is not a match for you. So there is no need to take dirty linen out of the hut.

10. Find out the language of love that your partner understands.

For example, your efforts to restore perfect order in the apartment will be perceived by your spouse in a completely different way than you expected. It's important to him that you cook his favorite meal for dinner, but you didn't because you've been cleaning and he feels unwanted. Conversely, the other will not pay attention to a new tasty dish, but will notice that you have not washed his shirt.

It is impossible, and it is not necessary to be perfect in everything, it is quite enough to understand for yourself what your partner especially acutely feels your care and love for. This is the wisdom of a woman.

11. Respect is a must good relations so respect your man.

This feeling, unlike spiritual intimacy, is based on real successes and achievements. They can be in any area and do not necessarily come down to the material aspect. Every person has some traits for which he can be respected. It can be kindness, accuracy, practicality and much more. But the main thing is that a woman sees them and appreciates them.. From this it is clear that respect for a partner is expressed in not violating his personal space and fulfilling his desires.

It should be noted that men are very sensitive to pressure, in the event of an onslaught and pressure, their reaction is stubbornness. That's why a wise woman will never push, press on a partner. Why, if you can formulate and express your desires respectfully and correctly, giving a choice to a man.

12. And the last of the 12 rules of a wise woman says: discard all doubts and believe in your beloved man, in his talent, in his abilities.

To believe means to see in a person his potentialities. If you cannot find any talent or simply do not believe that a man is able to realize himself, then it is better not to link your fate with him, he is simply not yours. And you didn’t see his talents just because your visual acuity is different.

And now I will summarize and answer the question, Why should a woman take care of herself first?. The answer lies on the surface: but because a man is very sensitive to the mood and condition of a woman though he tries not to show it.

Almost everything that a man does, he does for a woman, his family. AND his desire to see his soul mate in a joyful and happy state becomes quite understandable. If a woman is constantly depressed, tired and nervous, then this is transformed into information: "I am a bad husband", "She is unhappy with me." And it is unlikely that someone will take pleasure in feeling unable to make the woman they love happy.

And how often do women make an unforgivable mistake, defiantly showing their displeasure and naively believing that this will make a man think and change his behavior. As a result, they get a completely different effect: the spouse closes in on himself.

Hence the conclusion follows that in search of a recipe for solving the problem - how to love a man correctly, a woman simply has to pay attention not only to her appearance, but also to take care of her inner world. Only by living in harmony with yourself, you can create a harmonious relationship with a man.published

Hundreds of people who want to attend trainings! Thousands of letters asking for help! The most popular author on the Internet, an expert in famous women's magazines!

15 recipes for a happy relationship without cheating and betrayal. From the master of psychology

* * *

I have already read a dozen books about women's happiness. And it's not that I feel unhappy, but I always want more. To my surprise and joy, Irina's book turned out to be head and shoulders above similar literature. From the first lines you understand that the author's soul is invested in the book - everything is said so soulfully, so clearly and deeply.

Vasilisa, Moscow

This book made me rethink my relationship with my husband. It turns out that exactly what I did not pay attention to is almost the most important thing in family life. Thanks to Irina's invaluable advice, she managed to save her family and resurrect her old feelings again.

Olga, Stavropol

This is how it is customary for us: to solve a problem when it already exists. I used to do exactly the same, and as a result, so many deceived hopes and expectations! Then she said a firm “no” to herself suffering, picked up a wonderful book and began to read. How well everything is said, every word! I am delighted!

Inna, Krasnodar

Finding a good book is not easy. This one is the most helpful! If you want to get rid of suffering and worries because of men, you will not find a better "textbook"!

Valentina, Tver

Oh, if I had come across this book 20 years ago, there would probably not have been three marriages behind my back and disappointments in men. But Irina gave hope to feel happy again. Thanks.

Anna, Saratov

Thanks

I want to express my deep gratitude to my dear husband Michael Dempsey for always inspiring me and helping me in my work.

To my amazing son, Denis Gavrilov, who supports me and shows genuine interest in everything I do.

To my analyst, Sokolov S.E., for helping me pass my karmic lessons.

I thank my brother Pergaev Vitaly and his wife Pergaev Roza for being in my life.

I would like to thank my friends Olesya Landry, Elena Ivasenko, Elena Titova, Marina Nikulova for their help, love and kindness.

Dedicated to my beloved mother Tamara Grigorieva and my amazing father Anatoly Grigoriev

Introduction

God! Give me reason and peace of mind

Accept what I can't change

The courage to change what I can

And the wisdom to distinguish one from the other.

We fail to find joy and peace in life, often because we are trying to change what we cannot change. And we often give up and do nothing where we can change something.

A woman has a huge power that can change and transform the space around her.

This power of transformation is in our depths, so it is very important to take care of our inner state.

Each of us has our own story and our own path, but this is what unites us all.

This book is about love, about how to come to it, and about the obstacles that are encountered on the way to love and happiness, which bring great joy to the life of each of us. But often internal fears and unresolved problems turn the joy of love into suffering and everyday quarrels, showdowns and mutual recriminations.

Where there is love, there is often betrayal, this book will help you survive the betrayal and become happy again. I will share not only my 15 years of work experience, but also, of course, my personal experience. This book will help you find feminine wisdom, peace and harmony.

To be a wise woman, you must first learn to love yourself and take care of yourself.

If you want to bind a man to you, try not to be attached to him. It is paradoxical, but you need to keep a man by letting go.

A man, oddly enough, loves not a woman, but his condition next to her. His love depends on HOW he feels next to the chosen one.

If he feels like a MAN next to you, he will try to do everything in his power. It is very important for him to be the BEST in your eyes. And with such a MAN you will feel like a real WOMAN.

Nothing will change until you realize your contribution to all your own suffering and to everything that happens in your relationship.

Karmic lessons come into your life not to punish, but to show mistakes, give you the opportunity to correct them, receive healing and find the strength in yourself to change what you can change. And you can only change yourself.

Until you understand your lessons, your constant companions in different guises, until then you will live in suffering.

Often women do not understand the deep meaning of their suffering.

The woman does not understand husband is her karmic teacher.

Chapter 1 Karmic Life Lessons

In a relationship with a man, a woman goes through her karmic lessons:

1. There are no random people.

2. Loving and needing love are two different things.

3. How beliefs affect relationships.

4. Love for a man begins with love for yourself.

There are no random people in our life

Happy women don't come to me... They rarely go to psychologists at all - happiness is not customary to "treat".

The unconscious is a huge part of the psyche, access to which is closed to consciousness.

Have you noticed that very often your conscious desires cannot be realized in any way?

You want to get married, but for some reason you can not get out.

You fear betrayal, but a man betrays you.

You want love and warmth, but you live with a closed and soulless person.

And you don't understand why? You also do not understand: why did the husband change?

You do not find answers to your questions, because the answers lie in the unconscious, and you need to look for them there.

Getting into the unconscious is not easy, the psyche carefully protects you from penetrating into your depths.

The path to yourself is the path to the unconscious. Knowing yourself is a journey through its labyrinths.

Meditation and imagery is a direct path to what is hidden in your depths.

Do you want to see and understand what kind of relationship scenario is recorded in your unconscious?

Meditation "Meadow and tree"

Close your eyes. Sit comfortably. Take three deep breaths in and out.

Imagine that you are in a meadow. It can be a summer, spring, autumn or winter meadow. Big or small, maybe it only exists in your imagination, or maybe you've been on it once.

Consider the meadow. Describe it. What kind of vegetation? Weather? Listen to your feelings. What are they? What do you feel? What do you want? What are your desires? Time belongs to you, you can do whatever you want there.

Now imagine a tree, one. Consider it. What feelings does it evoke? What do you feel for him? What were the desires?

Follow yourself and your desires.

If a tree could think and feel, how would it relate to you, to your presence? Listen to yourself.

Do you feel connected to him? Emotional connection? Watch for a while to see what happens. Watch your interaction with the tree.

Now analyze what was the relationship with the tree? What was the interaction like? What did you feel? Whom did the tree remind you of? Does it look like someone real life? On whom? Does it remind you of any of your parents?

If you carefully analyze everything that happened with the tree, you will get an answer to the question: what relationship scenarios exist in your unconscious and what problems prevent you from being happy.

You can change when you understand and know yourself, and knowledge comes from both the unconscious and the conscious.

All fears, painful feelings and experiences, all your childhood pain live in the unconscious. The child's psyche is not able to cope with strong feelings, and they are forced out. Keeping them in the unconscious consumes a large number of energy, the kind that could go to other things in your life.

Repressed pain is a magnet for situations and events that reproduce it all the time. Pain seeks repetition in order to gain new experience. But due to the lack of positive experience, this makes another outcome in the development of relations impossible.

Thus a vicious circle is created, from which one can only get out of contact with the unconscious. By recognizing the repressed information, by experiencing all the painful feelings, you can change the existing programs. Information in the unconscious is your personal experience and the experience of your kind. Therefore, the lessons of your life are the lessons of your kind, karmic lessons.

Everything in our life is relative. Nothing is absolutely good or bad.

The law of duality rules the world and us. Light - darkness, good - evil, greed - generosity, divine - devilish.

Every quality we have has its opposite within us. All qualities and character traits are a swing. Possessing one, we necessarily have the other, the opposite. Our virtues are an extension of our faults. There is nothing 100% bad in a person, just like there is nothing 100% good.

As a rule, opposite qualities exist outside of our consciousness. Therefore, for example, considering yourself a generous person, to whom greed has nothing to do, you are deeply mistaken. In your mind, you are generous, but greed is hidden in the unconscious, and most surprisingly, you will be very annoyed by this quality in others. It is by irritation that we can judge what is directly related to us.

In a relationship with a man, a woman often experiences pain and suffering that, as she thinks, should not have happened to her. She thinks about how unfair the world is. Faced with spiritual experiences and suffering, we do not understand why they fell to our lot, and we believe in the injustice of life and events. It is easier to blame the world for injustice than to look for reasons in oneself.

Too many of us do not want to see the relationship between the present, past and future. You must understand that in a relationship with a man, and especially if they bring you suffering, you are going through lessons.

In intimate relationships, we all meet with those repressed parts of ourselves that we observe in our chosen one. Relationships with a person awaken our childhood traumas, painful feelings and fears.

The man who came into your life is not accidental.

Each person has several different parts often very contradictory. Some of them live in consciousness, and we see them, and some are in the depths of the unconscious, and, as a rule, we do not notice.

The people who come into your life, with whom you develop close relationships, reflect just these hidden parts, so the expression " random people does not happen in your life."

Due to the fact that these parts are in the depths of the unconscious, the behavior and actions of other people seem alien to you, and you cannot accept them - because you cannot accept them in yourself.

One woman who came to me for a consultation complained of betrayal close friend who used their friendship for personal gain.

From my client's point of view, she treated her friend very well, with an open heart, and did not understand how she could do this to her.

In the course of our work, we found her unconscious part, very similar to this friend, who in the same way tried to take advantage of the people she met. Yes, my client may have been very sincere with her friend, but she was a reflection of herself. Only through the pain that her friend caused her, this woman has a chance to understand her problem.

Another client of mine really wanted children. For a long time she could not get pregnant, and later, when she could, her second husband said that he did not need a child.

Her husband was an exact copy of her unconscious part, which did not want children or could not have them for reasons known only to her.

The client, who really wanted to get married, was upset because the man who was next to her was not eager to start a family and was very closed emotionally. While working with her, it became clear that in the depths of her unconscious there was a part very similar to this man, and she made itself felt in previous relationships with other men.

A young meek lady, who at first glance has great patience, complains that her husband treats her very harshly, allows rude words and phrases to be spoken to her. With our joint work it turned out that inside her there was no less anger and aggression than her husband.

A young woman at the age of 25 converted to Islam with all the customs. She contacted me about her husband's infidelities.

When working with her, it turned out that the adoption of Islam was for her a way to suppress sexual desires in relation to other men.

I have given you these examples for only one purpose - to show that the unconscious exists. You know only what is in the mind, but you do not know your own depths.

You are deeply mistaken when you accuse the person with whom you live in a bad attitude towards you.

The people who come into your life are not random, they are a reflection of your inner parts.

It is not easy to accept this fact, because we cannot see these parts and very often we do not even feel them.

They live in the depths of the unconscious, creating our reality and attracting the right people to us.

Studying people from our lives, you can get a lot of information about yourself and about the contents of our unconscious.

You can get to know yourself not only in the office of a psychologist, you can do this by observing the attitude and behavior of people close and significant to us.

I hope it is now more clear that the man with whom you are in a close relationship cannot be accidental in your life, cannot fall into it by mistake. He plays his part in your inner performance: he is both the hero of your life theater and one of your inner parts.

The scenarios that play out and conflicts in a relationship with a man reflect your inner dramas.

If you look back at your life, you will see that the same pain comes to you repeatedly.

Different people in different events cause you similar pain. Only those sufferings come into your life that you could not transform into your experience, that pain that was not truly lived by you.

The psyche is like a scratched record, it gets stuck on the scratch all the time, which causes you repeated pain. And mental pain causes suffering, but also points to your problem.

Suffering is like a physical illness, when the body begins to hurt to give you a signal about some problem in the body. When the soul hurts, it means that there are some psychological problems that need a solution.

A relationship with a man is an x-ray of your unconscious, but often, without knowledge, you cannot decipher all the messages that you receive in a relationship. You cannot see which areas of your soul are affected.

When you understand what the problem is and realize the deep essence of suffering, you will have every chance to heal, find your feminine power, wisdom, patience, understanding, come to forgiveness and acceptance. If you perceive suffering as an injustice directed at you and see nothing else, then this approach does not contribute to deep inner changes and spiritual growth.

We all come to Earth to gain some experience and learn a lesson. Troubles can happen to us, we can get sick, get into some unpleasant stories, lose money, meet the wrong men, or, conversely, meeting those, do not understand this until we lose.

Everything that happens to us is our karmic lessons. If your mother had problems in her relationship with her mother, then these deep conflicts entered into the unconscious of your mother, and they will be transferred to you.

You, in turn, pass them on to your children. This will continue until the knot is pulled too tight, until the degree of suffering reaches its peak. These are not just life lessons, these are karmic lessons that have come into your life from many generations.

When you face pain, it seems to you that the Universe wants to punish you. This is not true – the Universe wants you to think about your life and yourself.

Relationships and everything that goes with them public lesson where the whole essence of your inner conflict is exposed, where all your repressed parts of the inner theater come on stage, where all the scripts that you wrote in your deep childhood are visible.

It seems to you that the relationship, the man next to you makes you unhappy. You see what you can see with your superficial perception and vision. You do not yet understand that you are the director of your performance, and if the plot contains suffering, scenes of betrayal, betrayal, then you will play a life play, selecting the appropriate characters, with all the ensuing experiences.

If you interact with people for a long time, then they become part of your inner world. Mom, father, sisters, brothers - all these are reflections of your inner parts.

Parents, husbands, children are sent so that you can see your own behavior and yourself through the prism of their actions. It's hard to believe that mom irritating, dissatisfaction, a father who was not loving and gentle with you, a hated sister or an envious brother - these are all parts of you. After all, it seems to you that you are completely different from any of them ...

It is quite possible that in external manifestations you do not notice this and, on the contrary, have completely opposite qualities. But this only means that the qualities of the parents were forced out into the unconscious, and in consciousness there was a substitution for their complete opposite.

If a girl is in conflict with her mother, even if outwardly everything looks decent, then deep down there is discontent and rejection of certain traits and aspects in the relationship. In this case, she will have certain problems in relations with men. She can be quite successful in life, but her personal life will always be full of conflicts, suffering and discontent.

All external conflicts reflect internal conflicts. By settling relations with the people around you, you solve your internal conflicts, and vice versa, having settled internal conflicts, you cease to conflict in reality.

Any conflict is always polar: the psyche has learned to cope with internal conflicts, forcing out the opposite side. When people get closer to each other, the polar side of the conflict begins to exert its influence on relationships.

It is impossible to truly resolve your internal conflicts without seeing the two poles. And in these poles, upon closer examination, you will see people close to you from your childhood and from your present relationships. Only by clearly realizing all sides of conflicting desires will you be able to reconcile your conflicting parts. This is the essence of conflict resolution, and the possibility of building healthy, happy relationships.

You do not even suspect how many different parts and characters are trying to get along with you. It's like a big communal apartment with different people, where everyone considers himself the owner and tries to impose his own rules of life in the common kitchen. They say that there is neither hell nor heaven after death, hell and heaven exist in the soul of everyone during life.

Relationship with a man is an opportunity to look inside your large communal apartment and see in the face of all the owners from different rooms. Any relationship, as you get closer, begins to grow in breadth and depth, increase the degree of closeness of people to each other, and lead you deeper, awakening fears, unlived pain, dipping you into forgotten suffering.

As the relationship progresses, you meet all the parts of yourself that you tried to hide from, that you don't like and don't accept. In the unconscious of your chosen one, his repressed parts also wake up, which neither he, nor even you, like.

When you meet them, it begins to seem to you that the man deceived you, that he hid his real qualities.

The further into the forest, the more firewood. When a man and a woman come closer, everything that has been dormant in the unconscious for years wakes up. In your space, in addition to the two of you, your parents enter into dialogues. And often you answer not to your husband, but to your mother. Your closeness allows you to touch each other's depths.

In true intimacy, what each of you carefully tried to hide, not only from the other, but sometimes from yourself, is revealed. You will meet not only with what is awakening in your depths, but also in the unconscious of your partner. His behavior and features mirror yours, because for some reason this particular man came into your life. You feel a connection with him, which arose quite quickly, hence the feeling - this is my person.

And if in childhood you experienced loneliness, felt an acute lack of love, jealousy, betrayal, your uselessness, humiliation, then in a relationship with a man you will reproduce all this again.

If you manage to change the focus of your vision on the existing problems and suffering in the relationship, to see the actions of another person in a different light, then your reaction to events and actions will change, and therefore reality too. Your repressed suffering and pain in the depths of the unconscious will no longer form reality.

Faced with suffering in a relationship and pain, you try to run away from painful feelings, change a man, explain to him what he should stop doing so as not to hurt you. So you enter the wrong path, dooming yourself to even greater suffering.

You are trying to change a person in order to feel happy. You can succeed for a while, space will give everyone a chance, but if you do not think about your behavior, actions and continue to live with a sick soul, then suffering and pain are inevitable.

Unlearned lessons do not leave your life; they may be put aside for a while, but not forgotten.

Dooming yourself to a struggle in a relationship, you do not take classes, but skip them - you break up, emotionally shut yourself off, go to work, surround yourself big amount people, eat your feelings, plunge into new novels ...

If you don't direct the focus from your partner to yourself, you're running out of class.

You are afraid to be alone with your pain, you are afraid of loneliness, it seems unbearable for you to just let the pain be. However, your emotional container of pain is very small, its size corresponds to the age of the child. Therefore, when you feel pain, you cannot stand it, hurry to immediately throw it out on the offender.

The ability to experience pain and suffering increases after the expansion of the inner space as a result of spiritual growth, where your "I" gains strength. And you find that it is difficult to survive the pain, but it is possible, and then it will not be repeated in your life.

Only in this case appears the ability through suffering to step onto other turns of the spiral of spiritual development, to come to deep and qualitative changes within oneself.

In a relationship with a man, as the relationship develops and advances, insatiability and hunger for love wakes up, giving rise to dependence and attachment to him, the need for love, attention, tenderness, care and warmth declares itself.

And an even greater need is to be the only significant object in a man's life. An adult self-sufficient woman turns into a hungry little child who, no matter how much you give, will soon again need new evidence and manifestations of love.

Loving and needing love are two different things.

Each person is born on Earth with their own needs. The very first and most important ones are the need for security and love, then others appear - the need for one's usefulness and significance, for belonging to a family, respect, self-realization, recognition, beauty ...

If your earliest needs go unmet, they will keep you captive. You will not be able to love a man for real, you will only look for love for yourself in a relationship. You will need a man to meet your needs.

In the life of every woman, and even a man, love is important, and many confuse the true ability to love with the need for love.

When entering into a relationship, everyone wants to feel loved and needed. To receive love, a mask is put on: “You see how much I love you!” And by and large, in such relationships, people simply use each other. Although few people notice this, if one of the partners does not live up to expectations, love quickly turns into anger. And you ask why? Has the person changed?

No, he is still the same, he just behaved differently than the other expected. Behind care, pity, patience and kindness, other unconscious desires are often hidden - to subjugate a person, to bind to oneself, to establish control.

When you are wondering why your partner left you, although you loved so much, I can assure you that not a single person has left love yet. Get away from the lack of love, which can hide behind love.

Only by resolving your inner conflicts will you discover your true capacity for love and stop being dependent on love. Otherwise, a man will always represent an object for you to satisfy your needs.

No man is able to cope with the childish needs of a woman. If she were still a harmless child, then perhaps there would be a chance to get what she wants, but these needs are carefully hidden or take the form of persistent demands.

Life is so arranged that desires will always exceed the possibilities of their satisfaction. Only through disappointment and pain can you come to accept reality. As long as you have the hope of getting what you want at any cost, you will be doomed to suffering.

Relationships with a man reproduce your painful unlearned lesson, as an attempt through repetition to gain experience, grow inside and heal.

When your needs are not met, you tend to feel angry, almost uncontrollable anger, and you lose the ability to control feelings and emotions.

This usually happens when you are spiritually close to a man.

If the relationship is superficial, the man has not entered your soul, then you successfully manage to maintain a safe emotional distance, you manage to control yourself and your feelings.

Only as the relationship gets closer, control weakens, and negative feelings break out.

These are the feelings of a child who is indignant and hates his parents for the inattention and dislike that he feels. That's why intimacy is so scary. The inner child, not in control of his feelings, causes guilt and shame, disgust and disgust, rejection and condemnation. It's hard to accept this part and love it.

In a relationship with a man, hunger and insatiability in love, fear crawl out.

Your feelings and behavior exactly copy a little girl, which, perhaps, you don’t even remember.

For this reason, you generally remember little from your childhood.

Your needs grow as the relationship develops. Your inner child breaks out more and more strongly, and in the behavior of a man you get what you did not receive in the close relationships of your childhood.

Your man cannot meet the needs of your child. It reflects one of your repressed parts, which means it is the hero of your inner theater.

The inner child not only does not get what he wants from a man, but he also cannot find satisfaction in your inner world.

Through a relationship with a man, you can begin to get to know your repressed parts, understand them, and through understanding, feel compassion, open up the strength for forgiveness and acceptance.

Now you understand what happens in a relationship? Why do you have the opportunity to take classes?

Parts that were forgotten in distant childhood relationships wake up in love and intimacy, and appear before you in all their horror, causing disgust, disgust and shame. If you learn to be attentive and observant, you will see in them all the close people from your childhood.

In a relationship with a man, you have the opportunity to go back into the past and experience what has not been lived.

Experiencing the pain that has been repressed, realizing its causes, you allow your child to grow up and change relationships with loved ones.

You and a man are your own inner world with different parts of it. These are different sides of the same coin.

What annoys you about a man is what is hidden inside you. He came into your life just for you to look at yourself.

Only so that you, through your pain in relationships, through conflicts, can understand your internal contradictions, get to know your repressed different, sometimes opposite, parts.

Pain and suffering received in childhood are repressed. You don't remember them, but they are within you and will always attract situations that awaken them.

While living your pain, at the same time you must understand that you have caused or are causing exactly the same pain to others. The biggest difficulty is just to see it.

You do not suspect what suffering you cause others, because if you understood, you would stop doing it, which means you would change, or rather, one of your parts would stop doing this to others.

By running away from pain, you deprive yourself of the opportunity to live it and feel it to the end, so you are not able to feel the pain of another and understand suffering. Only through your pain can you realize the consequences of your actions.

You attract into your life people who are somewhat similar to you, although outwardly it may look like the attraction of opposites. Attitude is your awakening, a return to forgotten and repressed feelings, parts, an opportunity to change your script. This is a return to yourself.

A man is a prince who, having made his way through the thorny thickets of bushes, wakes you up with his touch to your soul. Touching the unconscious is very unpleasant, but very useful.

Relationships that develop in depth wake you up from sleep. A man and the suffering associated with him makes you see everything that you hide so carefully inside yourself.

Relationship with a man is your lesson, the path of your spiritual development. Through the awakening of all your parts, through the conscious living of all the painful and unpleasant moments of your life, through contact with all destructive and negative feelings, you will find the way to yourself, discover the true ability to love yourself and others, to control feelings and yourself. These abilities are born as a result of meeting one's pain and living it consciously.

Relationships are the catalyst for all psychological processes. This is a mutual process that can end in another pain and disappointment or mutual transformation.

Many women ask me: “Why do we need a man in a woman’s life when we can do so well without him?” Now do you understand why?

To live your karmic lessons, to come to yourself, to discover the feminine power and ability to love, to love with that feminine love that accepts and forgives, that performs miracles.

In childhood, you get traumas of the soul. You live with these injuries all your life, either giving the pain you received, or receiving it. Trauma, like a coin, turns one side or the other towards you.

Trauma is painful sensations experienced in the soul and heart. This is the pain of the soul.

The most painful experiences are a feeling of rejection, abandonment, uselessness, a feeling of humiliation, injustice, betrayal, loneliness.

Not always these experiences are connected with real events in childhood.

Parents may not literally leave the child, but the mother's busyness can give rise to a feeling of abandonment and uselessness in the child. The child perceives reality in a different way, which for an adult is only a nuisance, for a child it can take on the scale of a disaster.

If some feeling in childhood was strong, long or repeatedly repeated, then during life it will strive for its repetition.

For example, you will experience feelings of abandonment many times. You will be abandoned, and you yourself will leave someone. Only you do not always understand that the other feels abandoned.

Through your pain, you can come to compassion for those who suffered from your actions. Through your painful sensations and feelings, the Universe teaches you to feel and understand other people to whom you cause such suffering. Teaches respect for the feelings and soul of another.

The universe is educating you, and you only have the ability to change yourself. And you, most likely, spend your strength to change your husband. It's impossible. It is important to remember: he is a part of your inner world, only by finding and changing this part, you will change the one who is next to you, or he will simply disappear from your life.

The problem is that you understand your feelings and see the actions of other people, but do not realize what you are doing with other people's feelings. Offended by the coldness of your husband, you did not notice how you felt irritation or fatigue before that, maybe you wanted to be alone. It could only flash inside you, but the space read this information and passed it on to your husband. His reaction is a response to the information received.

It's like one of the options for the influence of the unconscious on your life. I'm not saying that your husband's unconscious also provokes you to do something.

You do not see the connection between your inner state and the actions of your husband.

After a quarrel, try to remember in detail your thoughts, feelings - at least a few hours before the quarrel. What happens to you before the conflict starts? Many of my clients say that their husbands begin to annoy them for no reason, and soon a scandal occurs, and sometimes they are completely sure that the husband provoked him, and sometimes they realize that they themselves started a quarrel for no apparent reason.

By no means do I want to say that only you are to blame for quarrels. Of course not, you already know that your husband didn't end up with you by mistake.

Your fears play a significant role in your relationship.

Fear of experiencing pain forms defenses, and often, in defending yourself, without noticing it, you provoke the other person to do what you are afraid of. Perhaps you provoke another person to action, or you find someone who will certainly do what you fear.

“Our fears pave the way for other people to act” - this mechanism is subtle, it is difficult to understand and see it.

In individual therapy, it can take more than a year to see how your actions lead to the most undesirable result for you.

You can only provoke in another person what is inside you. Until you are aware of the mechanism of your behavior and the built-in defenses, you will not be able to change the status quo.

Refuse to blame others, stop feeling like a victim of their attitude towards you. You must understand that a person does what you unconsciously provoke him to do.

So the reaction and behavior of a man reflects your deeply repressed feelings and desires. If your husband cheated on you, then deep down you did not consider him worthy of yourself and sometimes thought that you did not belong with him. Well, here is the answer to the question “Why did another woman appear in his life?”.

Thinking that he is not the hero of your novel, did you not cheat and betray him in this way? Have you compared it to others?

Only now, imagining and comparing yourself with a rival, do you understand how painful it is. I don't want to hurt you with my words, I want you to see that reality reflects your inner world. Do you understand what I want to tell you? Only that your husband did to you the same way you did to him, or to someone else.

Ask yourself questions: “What karmic lesson is the Universe sending you with this person?”, “What should you see in yourself and what should you learn?” And expect answers. They come, however, not always as quickly as we would like.

Through the actions and deeds of another person, you have the opportunity to view yourself under a magnifying glass.

Always ask yourself: how did I contribute to what is happening?

Only when you give up the struggle with a man, from the hope of getting what you want in a relationship, through disappointment and pain, can you grow spiritually.

When you shift the focus only on yourself and find explanations for events through the prism of your participation, only then will you gain the ability for true love.

A woman, first of all, draws strength from spirituality, and if she is lucky, then this strength is transmitted by her mother, the feminine gender, and if not, then the woman will have to develop it on her own, taking lessons in relationships with a man or alone.

In a relationship with a man, a woman goes through her lessons, and this helps her in gaining her Feminine power.

Each of us is at his own stage of spiritual development, and we attract people of the appropriate level. It can be said in another way: everyone has their own problems inside, and as a rule, the man in your life will reflect them.

If you think that your man is much worse than you, weaker, dumber, you don’t understand how he could enter your life at all, then this only means that you don’t know your real self.

You have created your own image, put on a mask behind which your essence skillfully hides, first of all, from yourself. In the depths of your soul lives exactly the same part, with problems, fears, like your husband.

Your man reminds you of some repressed part of you. I know how difficult it is to see yourself in a man and his actions, because these are repressed aspects.

Women's strength lies, first of all, in a woman's ability to love, and many other feminine qualities are included in this ability: patience, wisdom, respect, understanding, sympathy, compassion, acceptance, forgiveness, flexibility, loyalty and devotion to oneself.

Love can be born only when a woman reaches a certain level of spiritual development. Love is vibrations that are created at a high level of soul and consciousness.

The building of spirituality has several floors.

On the first floors are the simple joys of life - food, sex and comfort, they come from the lowest human needs.

The needs of this level are minimal - to provide yourself with comfortable living conditions, security, delicious food, sex, relaxation, a pleasant weekend pastime.

Most souls live on this floor, which is why it is so difficult for a person to give up comfort.

How many women are ready to endure mistreatment of themselves - rudeness, humiliation - just because next to a man, even if such, she is more comfortable than without him. Because with his disappearance from her life, she will have to think about many everyday things.

Her soul is torn somewhere, but certain amenities keep her close to a man.

On the middle floors of the building, the needs change, and there is a need for love, respect and recognition.

Only as the relationship develops, the female soul is able to move to the upper floors of spiritual development, and through true intimacy, love will be born over time.

Spiritual needs are love, will, intuition - are located on the upper floors of the building of spirituality and are born after satisfying the needs of the lower floors.

Thanks to relationships, this path is shortened at times. After all, the other person helps us understand and realize our mistakes, wrong beliefs, change scenarios. Only by discovering the ability to love in herself, a woman reveals herself as a woman.

How Beliefs Affect Relationships

Surprisingly, it's a fact: if your only goal in a relationship is to get love, then your chances are zero. To do this, you need to be able to give it, or rather, you just need to be able to love. If it seems to you that you know how to love, then you are mistaken, otherwise there would not be such a problem of finding love in a relationship.

If there is love within you, then there is no need to look for it in a relationship. The absence of the ability to love makes it impossible to accept love. There are only short periods in your life when you enjoy this feeling, and then joy is replaced by disappointment.

When you were a child, your need for love was not satisfied, and in the unconscious, negative program. Deep inside you do not believe in mutual and lasting love, because you have not had such an experience. The desire for love always lives next to the impossibility of getting it.

Childhood experiences of close relationships with parents shape your beliefs. A belief is a worldview and one's own view of the world, people and relationships.

The beliefs formed in childhood affect all areas of your life. They are not formed quickly, not after a specific event, but, like a pearl, they are gradually covered layer by layer over time.

You were born to your parents, and this is also not accidental, just like the men who come into your life. Already at birth, you and your parents were taught a lesson. Each family has its own atmosphere, and you, as a child, make your own conclusions, sometimes even built on childhood fantasies, and then follow them all your life. You will have to change them, descending into the depths of the unconscious.

Let me give you an example of a diary of a 13-year-old girl, where you can clearly see how beliefs are formed and how they affect life: “Love is suffering. You don't need to love. When you love, you become plasticine in the hands of the one you love, and he molds you into whatever he wants, and then, after playing enough, he throws you out of the window of the 7th floor. The country needs steel, not plasticine. You have to be tough and firm."

Now she is a 45-year-old woman with two unsuccessful marriage and many connections with men who, apart from disappointments and suffering, brought her nothing. Do you understand now why?

Because, as a teenager, she firmly knew that if she fell in love, then the other person would use her, would not protect her open and vulnerable soul. She learned from childhood that love makes people weak, and they, losing themselves in love, become a victim bad attitude, figuratively speaking, they turn into a doll in the hands of another.

And all would be fine, let him sculpt a doll, play with her. It suits even to be plasticine, if only to play. The tragedy is that, having played enough, they throw it away!

Every time, getting carried away and falling in love with a man, she gave all her best, her whole life began to revolve only around him, she tried to anticipate his desires, to please him. She did everything to make him interested in her, tried to please, earn love, attention and care. And the man behaved according to her beliefs, the scenario - he changed when she got bored and became uninteresting.

See how the beliefs you form affect behavior, mate choice, relationships, and life in general. Does this woman have a chance to find a man who can love her? In her scenario, the man switches to other, more interesting "toys".

If you have the conviction that love is suffering, you will suffer.

If love is a betrayal for you, you will be betrayed.

In order for something to change in a relationship, you need to realize your erroneous beliefs.

And if in a relationship with a man you suffer, experience pain, it is only because it is so written for you.

If in a relationship with a man you only want to be loved by him, then most likely he will be unable to love you for a long time. There is no experience in your unconscious long love with a happy ending. As soon as you feel that the person is open and ready to love you, you will unconsciously destroy this relationship.

Your fears, suspicion, anxiety will create internal tension, which will not allow you to enjoy the idyll that has arisen for a short period of time. And the partner will behave in exactly the same way: as soon as he feels your love, he will destroy the relationship, sometimes in the most sophisticated ways.

You are probably wondering why you are unlucky with men and why they behave this way when you are ready to give them your love. Only because you are like them in another part of you. You are not able to receive love, you are not able to love, although you seem to be very open, good person and you can even sacrifice for love.

Every woman has her own ways to get love. Someone dissolves in a partner, forgetting about everything, someone completely submits to the will of another, someone begins to sacrifice himself. And someone is so afraid of their addiction that they never allow the relationship to develop in depth.

This creates a vicious circle of love: the desire for love becomes painful, the negative experience of early intimate relationships gives rise to disbelief and fear of again facing pain and suffering, and this prevents receiving love.

In the desire and thirst for love lies a deep conviction that you are not loved. This feeling gives rise to internal anxiety, which worsens as the relationship develops. In this anxiety, a woman, striving for a man, simultaneously repels him with her behavior, and when the partner leaves, your inner conviction about the impossibility of happiness is confirmed.

Women are often illegible in men, they seek to reduce their anxiety, the presence of a man in their life brings them comfort, on the one hand, but is also a constant source of fear, on the other. As a result, a woman is deprived of the opportunity to be happy.

Behind the thirst for love lies anxiety, which does not allow you to receive and give love, to be relaxed, not to strain. Where there is anxiety, there is no capacity to love.

Anxiety deprives a woman of flexibility, spontaneity, relaxation - in fact, her feminine qualities. Love becomes vital for a woman, like food, which must satisfy daily needs.

In fact, love for a man should be a luxury, an additional, and not the only source of your strength and pleasure.

To gain this luxury, you need to develop spiritually in your relationship with a man, do not blame him, stop cheating on him, because he came to show you something and teach you something.

Love for a man begins with love for yourself

It has long been known the truth that true love begins with self-love. How to love yourself? It seems to be such understandable words, but what is really behind them? Where does self love begin?

Need to start taking care of yourself? Finally lose weight? Workout? Change hairstyle? Hair color? Style of clothes? Set goals and achieve them? Get rid of bad habits and undesirable qualities? Take control of your life? What else do you need to do to love yourself?

Indeed, we all strive for perfect image in order to eventually love yourself, so perfect, and there, you see, others will be drawn to you, and they will want to love you. Is it really only an approximation to the ideal that allows us to become self-confident, gain feminine dignity, know our worth?

From my work experience I can tell you that a woman who is ideal in all respects can absolutely not love herself, and vice versa, a plump and far from ideal woman is happy and loved by her husband. Why?

Perhaps she was lucky with her parents; apparently, they gave her everything and in the right amount. She did not suffer from a lack of attention and a lack of love. She didn't have younger sisters or brothers to compete with all the time for her parents' love, or her parents had enough big hearts who had enough love for everyone.

But what about those who did not receive love, whose self-confidence was undermined, who had to constantly deserve love and live in constant fear of losing it? How to love yourself if at the very beginning this love was never enough?

How to get rid of the painful need to BE LOVED? How to feed your soul and heart with love? How, being alone, to discover in yourself an important ability to love?

The Internet is teeming with advice about self-love: no matter what we read about, everywhere we talk about the importance of this love, about how to start loving yourself. Most of the advice is about improving yourself: become better, and you will begin to respect and love yourself - the main principle of all recommendations.

This is where I would like to stop. For a good, healthy, happy relationship, we all know that love and respect are essential. True love does not distinguish between these concepts, but in fact the difference, subtle, exists.

Love is conditional and unconditional.

Unconditional love from mother female love when you love just like that, in spite of everything, without judging, not judging, not comparing, you just accept a person, loving. This is love in its purest form, emanating from the heart center.

Conditional love - from the father, male love, when love needs conditions and it needs to be achieved by one's behavior, actions, deeds, successes, achievements. This is also love, but coming from the mind and head. When you embark on the path of self-improvement, you thereby awaken conditional love in yourself - love for something. I lost weight - well done, you have my "respect" (respect), got a position - smart girl, graduated from the institute and found a prestigious job - no words ...

I think in the pursuit of perfection you are repeating a mistake that comes from childhood.

“Be smart, and I will love you”, “Be obedient, and I will love you again”, “Study well, play sports, achieve success, and I will love you.” All these messages contain certain conditions for love. Do you continue to treat yourself the same as your parents? But! Excuse me, if all the problems are due to the fact that you did not receive enough love from them and did not feel unconditional acceptance, then why do you, as an adult, continue this same style of relationship, but with yourself?

You have long become an independent woman, you live separately from your mother, you do not depend on her in any way, on the contrary, you help her, but you treat yourself the same way. How will you be able to love someone if you cannot love yourself with unconditional love - just for being you! It doesn't matter what you have, what you look like, what you have achieved. Hard?

See how disgusted you look at yourself if you have gained an extra 3-5 kg, how you scold yourself if you lie around all day doing nothing, how hard it is to experience failure. No one says that one should not strive for the best, but one should not forget that harmony is born from the mutual influence of female and male. This means that conditional love must be intertwined with unconditional love.

A child is born in the “mother-child” system, and, first of all, he needs unconditional acceptance and love. At this stage, he is no different from other babies, he does not have any achievements and skills, he is loved just like that, for what he is. But then the father joins the upbringing ( masculinity) and begins to motivate him to achieve.

All self-love advice comes from conditional love, which comes from male energy. Have you ever thought about how easy it is to love the ideal and perfect man? Yes… it’s hard to become like that, but it’s possible with some will. How easy it will be to love your perfect self...

We all have an image of an ideal partner, and only matching the image can make you happy? And if not, then you are doomed to suffering and disappointment?

We know perfectly well that there are no ideal people, just like everything in nature is far from ideal. By creating an ideal image, we create a phantom, completely losing sight of human nature.

Creating an ideal image of a partner, of course, you need to correspond to this ideal image of yourself too - you cannot demand an ideal from a space if you are not ideal. This is how you create conditions for conditional love, which was already enough in your childhood.

Improving yourself, are you feeding your pride, achieving success in some business, are you trying to rise above others and, due to this, put pluses in your personal business.

- Oh, look how fat, what, can’t pull herself together and stop eating? Here I can...

- So many years, but nothing has been achieved.

By correcting ourselves and our qualities, we begin, of course, to respect ourselves and love with conditional love, which does not open our hearts to accept people, compassion, sympathy, understanding, patience, and most importantly, to accept ourselves as you really are.

If you are disposed towards fullness, but with daily physical exercises you support good shape, this is cool! But what will happen to you if one day you stop doing fitness? Will you get better? Doesn't this mean that the problem excess weight hidden somewhere inside. Some part of you is stressed and anxious, missing something.

Conditional love is not interested in the problems of this part, and she does not want to understand and hear it. Only unconditional love is capable of acceptance, and then the restless and anxious part of you will not be disposed to fullness. And you will not need to exhaust yourself with sports and diets. Out of love for yourself and for your pleasure, you will take care of yourself.

The problem is that you do not want to know your real self, you are not interested in your own inner world and what is in the depths of your unconscious.

Your parents never paid attention to your desires, inclinations and abilities. They had their own idea of what you should be. You were planed like Pinocchio from a log, depriving you of contact with your own soul.

And then by the age of 30-40 you think and do not understand why you live, what you would like to do, what could bring you joy, what is your purpose and calling.

Male energy is always purposeful, active, active. Male energy cannot exist without female energy, female energy cannot exist without male energy, unity is born in their close interweaving.

Conditional love without unconditional gives rise to pride and selfishness, such love is strict with itself, it does not tolerate shortcomings and lack of perfection in others, it does not allow you to fully accept a person and yourself. Everything you do to love yourself by improving the outside turns on the masculine energy.

However, beauty will save the world, which means that the world is ruled, in fact, by female energy, the energy of unconditional love.

This is the foundation, where the construction of the house begins. By focusing on conditional self-love, on the contrary, you create problems that prevent you from accepting other people with their shortcomings. And in the very first place, YOURSELF - the way you really are, without any embellishments.

Love for yourself, first of all, must be unconditional. Accepting yourself for who you really are is an art and a great work that not everyone can do.

First step to true love to oneself lies through a genuine acquaintance with oneself, with the recognition of all one's shortcomings and weaknesses and sometimes ugly behavior. Only by seeing the real self in such an unflattering way can one open the way to true self-love. Loving yourself when you are successful, lean and energetic is easy, but it does not open the true source of love.

But to love and calmly accept yourself when you are in a “full ass”, got fat, lost control over yourself and life, only a truly loving and kind heart is capable of this. It will open to genuine empathy and compassion for oneself, and through this to forgiveness and self-acceptance.

How can you know the real you? Only sinking into the area of his unconscious. You can get in touch with the unconscious by observing yourself, accepting and not judging. Engage in meditation, any technique that opens the way to inner depths. In the areas of the unconscious, all feelings and experiences associated with loved ones - parents are hidden. By examining your relationship with them, you are examining yourself.

If in relationships with loved ones there is a place for your irritation, resentment and other emotions that do not allow you to enjoy and joy, then this is where your path begins.

When we meet a man and “fall in love”, then this is far from love. We see his mask, which he carefully created, and which is part of him, but not himself. Love begins when the masks are removed, a man and a woman begin a real acquaintance with themselves.

If both know themselves, they will not be unpleasantly surprised by their own behavior. Knowing ourselves, we begin to treat other people much more tolerantly.

But in life, a woman often meets her repressed parts for the first time in a relationship with a man.

And she will not be able to love a man until her own acquaintance with herself takes place in this acquaintance.

Us and parents

Very often I hear how difficult, and sometimes even impossible, to forgive your parents and accept them for who they are. Agree. Many of you are trying to do this, and even sometimes there is an illusion that everything worked out, but then something happens, a quarrel or misunderstanding, and again you feel something is wrong in your soul. And you have to re-adjust yourself to the fact that you must love your parents, forgive them and treat them well.

That's it "should", and you may even try to do everything right and well, but with the mind. Your heart is silent. You do not feel sincere impulses to hug your mother and father. Next to them, you don’t have a desire to take your mother’s hands in yours, you don’t feel tenderness and warmth next to her.

From a distance, yes, you understand that you love her and even scroll kind and affectionate words for her, but when you are close, you feel an invisible wall that does not allow you to be natural in showing your love.

Parents become our internal objects during deep interaction with people, and if some of their qualities cause our rejection and irritation, we are offended by them, this means that we do not accept not only our parents, but also our internal objects.

Through understanding your parents, you open the way to accept yourself for who you really are. Whether you like it or not, your inner parents will always live in you, conflicting with them, you are conflicting with yourself.

We cannot understand other people without understanding ourselves.

As soon as you discover the presence of your mother inside you, that's when you begin to understand her. In contact with the unconscious, one day you will find that you are talking like a mother, your facial expression is a copy of her. You, feeling hostility, will try to hide all these observations away. Not realizing that this is the path from YOURSELF.

At this moment, just think about why you answered like that, why your face has changed so much. What do you feel? Anger? And what is anger? Go deeper.

Anger is a feeling that arises in response to other feelings that are more painful. As soon as you get to your deep feelings, you will understand why there was such a reaction. You gradually realize why mom behaved the way she did. This understanding will come not from the head, but from your depths. Through your sensations and feelings, you will begin, perhaps for the first time, to really feel your mother's pain. By understanding, accepting, and forgiving yourself, you are open to truly accepting and forgiving your parents. Only in this way do you discover love for yourself, and through it love for others.

Only through your inner world will you be able to understand your parents, to see behind all their actions an ordinary living human soul, which, just like you, suffers and experiences pain.

Also, you do not know what is happening in the soul of your husband, you only see and feel your pain and your grievances. So you live, suffering and not knowing how to help each other.

Only through getting to know yourself will you be able to discover in yourself the ability to see more than just actions, to hear more than words. You will have the ability to see suffering behind rudeness, pain behind hatred.

And by the way, your children, like your husband, reflect parts of your inner world. Relationships with them help you move deeper into yourself.

Do not complain about an unhappy relationship, do not blame a man for your misfortunes, but begin to explore yourself. Then you will be surprised to find that your relationship has changed, or other men have begun to come into your life. You will discover in yourself such harmony and tranquility that you will not feel unhappy without a man.

Path to the soul

The path to your soul and spirituality is thorny. Women can achieve some success in business and career, but every time they fail in love.

You and a man need to have enough courage to go into the depths of yourself, not to recoil from each other at unpleasant and unexpected discoveries.

In a relationship, you doom yourself to suffering and loneliness because you see only one task - to change a man. You are trying to explain to him how he needs to treat you, and what to do, how he needs to behave, how he should be, so that you have a desire to love him.

The meaning of a relationship comes down to the requirements and expectations from a man to satisfy your immediate needs. You do not have a question about your spiritual development in a relationship.

You need a relationship and a man for happiness, you are with him not to make you feel bad, but to make your life better. But if it is a real and deep relationship, it cannot be a constant source of pleasure.

I know for sure that many of you spend a lot of time on spiritual development. And in doing so, you avoid relationships and love, or you become so immersed in the study of a man’s misbehavior and his problems that lead to such behavior that you completely forget about yourself.

You don't think of a man as part of your own inner world. Focusing on your grievances and your needs, you forget about the meaning of relationships - to come to love.

For many, the meaning of a relationship is to receive love. Hence the eternal discontent, disappointment, anger, resentment, irritability, whims, mood swings, depression, illness. Such a woman will always be emotionally depressed and unable to create a healthy atmosphere in the family.

Sometimes only the pain and suffering inflicted by a man can awaken a woman from her sleep and return her gaze to her soul. In this case, only pain can revive the dormant feelings and awaken the female soul.

Only spiritual development will return your feminine power to you. And if you didn’t manage to go through all the lessons with your parents that you had to go through when you came to this Earth, then it’s your man who gives you such an opportunity again.

Relationships are an opportunity to return to the past and correct mistakes in the present, rewrite the script. In a relationship, you will have to meet not only with your shadow sides, but also with the shadow sides of your chosen one. With his skeletons in the closet and you should be ready for it.

All his life a person does nothing but avoid meeting his shadow. And the relationship, or rather the man, is pushing you to the forbidden door, behind which there will be a meeting with your shadow sides. These are unpleasant meetings, and sometimes doubts may appear in your soul: is this the man. It begins to seem to you that you made a mistake in your choice, this is disappointing and somewhat frightening. There may even be a desire to leave.

You find that your desires and needs remain unsatisfied, and in addition, you discover in the chosen one that which eluded your gaze at first. You begin to see more clearly not only your companion, but also yourself, although you are not even aware of it.

Probably, it seems to you that he is not your man, but at first you did not think so. Something about him drew you in. This means that this person is no longer random.

He came into your life to introduce you to himself. Finding his shortcomings, you will not be able to easily and quickly leave, because you have already managed to become attached to him.

Attachment and addiction are invisible threads that, despite all your suffering, continue to keep you in a relationship.

Therefore, in a relationship with a man, you not only get to know your inner parts, but you also have to solve the most important problem - to free yourself from your addiction to love. In fact, attachment dooms you to suffering - and you don’t want to live like that, and you can’t leave.

I know how many of you cannot part with a man, let him go, even after physically parting, you continue to be in invisible contact with him. Mentally communicate, prove something, marry in spite of him, do something - and always in a mental dialogue with him. Physical separation means nothing: if you haven’t broken the connection within yourself, then you haven’t got rid of your addiction.

So, you continue to live with already ex-man, holding it in your inner world, filling your space with it. He lives within you and influences your life in an invisible way. Therefore, it is difficult for you to become happy again.

You direct all your strength to fight with a man, trying to get what you want from him, but not understanding that you need to find a projection of this man in your inner world, he exists there, otherwise he would not be in your reality.

When you see him in your inner theater, you will understand a lot. And you need to change not the man in your real life, but the one who lives in your unconscious. By changing it, you change yourself, which means that a man in real life becomes different.

The most difficult thing is to find the man with whom you are now together, in your own blockages of the unconscious. Until you discover it within yourself, you cannot change anything, it is impossible to change what is hidden from the eyes. Trying to change your husband, you find yourself in a vicious circle, spending energy on fighting with yourself and him.

To remain attached to a man who is unworthy of you (as you think), and not have the inner strength to part with him, isn't this a lesson that you need to learn? Doesn't this man, the feelings you have for him, remind you of your relationship with your parents, and most often with your mother, when the degree of irritation with her is great, but there is no strength to part, because the uncut umbilical cord binds tightly with her. As they say, you can’t quit, and you don’t have the strength to bear.

If you are reading this book, then I assure you that you are in the grip of that very painful attachment in a relationship when it is difficult (or almost impossible) for you to part with a man, and despite his mistreatment or betrayal, you stay with him.

You understand why this particular man came into your life - only such a man could awaken your addiction, something that each of us is afraid of. I know a lot of people don't know about it, but it doesn't change the point.

Addiction and Loss Cause the Most Suffering and Pain

In such a painful relationship, you have to grow up, grow spiritually. Then you will be able to truly accept and let go, forgiving from the bottom of your heart. Only after that you will be freed from the man, allowing the emptiness to be filled with something new and pleasant for you.

Acquaintance with oneself, experiencing painful feelings makes it possible to free oneself from dependence and painful attachment. You can gain true independence only by living your addiction. Due to your maturity, you will be able to build a relationship with a real man, and not living in your fantasies. You will be able to accept your partner's shadow sides, not be afraid of them, not recoil in disgust, but forgive everything that you encounter.

Accepting and forgiving does not mean staying with this man. Acceptance and forgiveness means seeing and accepting your shadow, discovering your repressed aspects, knowing yourself and accepting yourself completely, as you really are. And the man who is next to you helps you with this.

In a relationship, you have the opportunity to discover your feminine power in yourself and come to female happiness. I know how difficult it is to transform yourself, how difficult it is sometimes to understand the deep meaning of relationships and this man in your life.

The unconscious tries to keep information in its bowels, and your defenses help in this. The irritation that arises in response to something is a way to protect you from unpleasant discoveries; feeling annoyed, you try to get rid of the irritant, believing that it is the case, but you do not want to go deeper, thinking about the reasons.

What does the reason for your irritation have to do with you? It is difficult to answer this question, or rather, the answer is always negative: “To me? What are you, no!” And you are not disingenuous, you simply do not see your unconscious. Getting information from it is not easy. It comes, but always in encrypted form. Meditation, dreams, work with images, drawing help to get information, it comes bit by bit. And it needs to be assembled like puzzles, so that later they can be put into one picture.

This is what it means to discover love for yourself. Do not rush to close the book of existing relationships, learn to learn from them your lessons and your strength, feminine strength and wisdom. Remember, in a relationship with a man, a woman goes through lessons that reveal her real power, capable of changing the existing reality, she gains the ability to unconditional love and acceptance, first of all, of herself. Love your neighbor as yourself. So, love for a man begins with love for yourself.

Chapter 2 Treason and betrayal

Betrayals are committed most often not by deliberate intent, but by weakness of character.

Betrayal and its roots

One of the most painful and often encountered lessons in a woman's life is betrayal and betrayal. This is the most common situation that I have to deal with in my work.

Some women ask for help to survive infidelity and part with a man. Someone wants to save the family and does not know how to return the love of her husband, how to live after infidelity, how to truly forgive and find peace, how to trust again.

Another part of my clients come with other relationship problems, but looking at their lives, you come to understand that the root of their relationship difficulties is precisely the fear of betrayal.

The feeling of betrayal is not always associated with the betrayal of a husband with another woman. This feeling can also occur in other circumstances. For example, a husband pays too much attention to one of his relatives (mother, sister or brother, children from a previous marriage). Or he spends a lot of time at work, preferring to do his own thing on weekends. Sometimes a woman can feel betrayed if her husband spends time with friends or abuses alcohol.

It doesn't matter what happens in the relationship, but you feel betrayed by your husband (man). You are deeply convinced that by doing something, he betrays you.

Each person has their own weak spots, the blows on which are especially painful. You are especially susceptible to the feeling of betrayal, because in childhood you often felt betrayed, it was this feeling that was the target for the blows. The feeling of betrayal is most often born with a parent of the opposite sex, but not always. It always arises when there is strong attachment and childish dependence on the object of love.

Love for mother

At first, all children, regardless of gender, become attached to their mother, become very sensitive to her love, attention, and mood. infant does not understand that the mood of the mother does not always depend on him, she can be upset because of work, resentment against her husband, but you never know because of what. But for him, her bad mood is always perceived as related to him. If Small child came to Earth to take a lesson in betrayal, then his parents also take this lesson.

If the parents have not solved this problem and have not “learned” their lesson, then the child will have to go through it. And this lesson will be inherited until someone “learns” it. How can this lesson begin in infancy?

People who are prone to betrayal, as a rule, are dependent people, which means they have the peculiarity of being involved in their feelings, emotions and experiences so much that those around them and the world cease to exist for them.

If a mother belongs to this category of people, then very often her thoughts and feelings are far from the child. If she quarreled with her husband the day before, then the whole day she is emotionally involved in this quarrel. Feeding the child and communicating with him, she cannot switch to him. She does whatever is necessary, but her thoughts, soul and feelings are not here.

She is emotionally distant from him. The child feels it. This is how dependence on attention and love begins to form, because it is not enough. And in the unconscious, a feeling of betrayal begins to emerge - my mother is not with me, she does not belong to me.

Father's love

Entering the Oedipal phase (4-7 years), the girl begins to experience especially tender feelings for her father or any other male relative. This is her first love for the opposite sex, and how it ends for her will greatly affect relationships in adulthood.

A girl can also fall in love with unreal or unfamiliar men (actors, singers). If the object of her first love is unreal or unattainable, then even such love contributes to adult relationships.

With such an object, the world of children's fantasies is activated, and the girl experiences her first novel in her imagination. How does the romance unfold in her virtual inner world? Does her boyfriend love her? How does he treat her? Do you have to seek his love? Are there scenes of betrayal, parting? From all these scenes, her inner performance is formed.

Accordingly, her love for a real man (father, brother, other relatives) is no less important.

How does she perceive this first relationship for herself? How does she feel in them? How does she feel? Therefore, it is very important how the father treats the girl. From this, the scenario of her future relationships with men is formed.

Sometimes a male figure falls out of the focus of a girl's attention, and her love and tender affection stops at her mother.

If a girl had a good and healthy relationship with her mother before the age of 4, then it is unlikely that she will have problems in the Oedipal phase that will adversely affect adult relationships. And it is unlikely that the inattention of the father or another object of love will be perceived by her as a betrayal.

The feeling of betrayal is associated with strong attachment and dependency, with great vulnerability in relation to self-attention. All girls fall in love with their dads, but if they do not receive emotional warmth and tenderness from their mother, then she will have a particularly strong desire and love for her father.

If the mother did not satisfy the girl's need for love, then in the Oedipal phase she will try with a vengeance to satisfy this need already with her father. She unconsciously devalues her mother, becomes disillusioned with her, and turns to her father in the hope of getting what she wants.

Any inattention of the father is perceived by her as a betrayal. Her hopes are betrayed, her expectations are not justified, and not for the first time.

After all, she had already experienced exactly the same experience with her mother. There was no overt betrayal, but the mother was not loving her daughter enough to lay a healthy foundation for feeling like herself.

In the hope of receiving love from her parents, the girl constantly feels betrayal of herself. With her mother, she did not receive the warmth and love she desired, and her father did not give her what she hoped so much in her soul that she desperately wanted to receive.

The lesson of betrayal is a karmic lesson. The child gets to parents, living with whom, he will experience pain.

Not getting what she wants from her mother, a girl and her father may not get what she needs.

There are many options for the development of events.

A father can be absorbed in raising his daughter, giving her a lot of attention, but at the same time being in an emotionally cold relationship with his wife. By establishing close contact with the child, he thus, as it were, compensates for the lack of relations with his wife. The girl receives love and attention from her father, but in her inner world there is no picture of the relationship between a man and a woman. In her unconscious, in any case, a model of the relationship of her parents is recorded, and there she does not see a warm relationship.

The father can be distant, always busy, absent, which confirms the girl's idea of \u200b\u200brelationship received from her mother. If the father is weaker than the wife and is in a submissive position, then this does not leave the girl a chance to avoid disappointment in him and doubt his masculine strength. With such a father, she does not feel safe, does not feel that he can protect her. No matter how the situation in the family develops, whether the girl notices her father's signs of attention to her mother or other women, or simply sees a lack of interest in her - all this greatly affects her self-esteem, her sense of attractiveness.

Rejection of the mother because of resentment that she did not give warmth and love, entrenched beliefs received in communication with her father that she is not attractive and not interesting, the girl unconsciously rejects and considers her female part to be flawed, which without any doubt leads to problems in relationship with a man.

If a lesson of betrayal has come to you, then, apparently, it is transmitted in your family through the female line. Growing up, you will consciously or unconsciously be afraid of betrayal. For some, this fear is so strong that some prefer not to enter into a relationship with a man at all. Well, someone is not aware of this fear within himself, lives quietly with a man until betrayal occurs.

Treason, like acid, falls on the long-forgotten pain of betrayal and begins to corrode the soul to “meat and bones”. Faced with betrayal, you must understand that this is your lesson that did not come into your life now, and it is not new, it is repeated.

In the lesson of betrayal, there are many other lessons that a woman must learn. These are the lessons of pride, where the split in the “I” into flawed, unworthy and super-worthy gives rise to many problems at the very beginning of a relationship.

When choosing a partner, you stop at a man who is not very worthy of you, from your point of view, and then, in life together, because of your disrespectful attitude towards him, betrayals often happen. By definition, you cannot live with a worthy one, with him you feel your inferiority.

The lesson of betrayal originates in dependence, so when you pass it, you will certainly have to get rid of painful dependence in relationships, which makes it impossible to accept the other person as he is and let him go in peace and kindness.

Your addiction dooms you to a painful struggle with your partner. The purpose of this struggle is to get what you need, to satisfy your desires.

Passing the lessons of addiction, you can not ignore the fear of loneliness. In the lesson of betrayal, there is also a moment of unnecessary pity in love, which holds you with ropes where you do not need to be, and deprives you of the right to your own life.

To understand the meaning of the lesson of betrayal and heal your soul, you need to go through the labyrinths of the unconscious.

This lesson causes unbearable pain, it hits pride - the chosen one is better.

Children's feelings come to life - inferiority, uselessness, the fact that you were left and abandoned.

Fears wake up - loneliness, for the future.

The most important feeling disappears - the feeling of security.

With the departure of a man, his own integrity is violated.

To begin to heal, you need to understand that the point is not in a man, but in the fact that your soul is infected with betrayal, and the pain that you met when your husband cheated came to you so that you could return to your soul and see your own illness. Understand that there are problems within you that need to be addressed. By blaming a man, you will not heal the soul from suffering.

Of course, betrayal, betrayal is always grief and pain. It is not always necessary to look for the deep causes of pain, sometimes it just needs to be experienced. But if the pain continues and you cannot start living a happy life for a long time; if you enter into a new relationship just to run away from pain; if you cannot let go and forgive your husband; if resentment and anger corrode your soul and you constantly have an internal dialogue with him, in this case, look at pain differently. Understand that long-term pain and suffering do not come from someone, they are born inside you and live there, point to the centers of illness in your soul.

Pain wants to turn your gaze from the outside world to the inside, suffering paves the way for you to your soul, to your inner world.

Once you understand that your husband has absolutely nothing to do with it, that you have attracted betrayal into your life, this will be a huge step in learning the lesson of betrayal.

“We lived with my husband for eighteen years, and I was always sure that mine would never cheat on me. Yeah, to be honest, I didn't even think about it. listening to stories different women at work, that my husband had another, I did not try on this situation for myself. To be completely frank, I thought that no one would look at my husband.

We lived in a calm, quiet family life, it cannot be said that we were very happy, but everything was ordinary, like everyone else; raised children, built a dacha, arranged our life as best they could. The only thing is that for the last 2-3 years we have stopped sleeping together, in the same bed. My husband liked to linger in front of the TV, and I didn't like to wake up when he came into the room. Yes, and the dream became somehow sensitive - I wake up from every sound. My husband began to snore and snore at night, and when he offered to go to sleep in another room, I even rejoiced in the depths of my soul, although resentment slipped through my heart.

Then he began to linger after work. First for 30-40 minutes, then longer. He said that after work he wanted to take a walk, get some fresh air.

I didn't attach any importance to it. Once I called him at work right after his vacation was over, and they told me that he was still on vacation. Of course, I was worried, but in the evening he gave me quite reasonable explanations, and I calmed down again.

Then he complained of insomnia and said that he also wanted to go to bed before going to bed. Fresh air. Later, I began to notice that he always takes his phone with him. We began to quarrel, and he began to leave the house more and more often during quarrels, and one day he did not come to spend the night.

Then business trips began to appear ...

I will not tell everything that happened before I found out that he had another. Despite all the signs that came - it was a bolt from the blue. I could not believe that my husband has another woman, that he communicates with her, frankly and even discusses me and our relationship with him. I couldn't believe they were spending time together, he hugs her like he used to hug me and has sex with her. All these thoughts made me so sick that I could not find a place for myself. I was seized by panic, then anger at him. I either shouted at him, accusing him of betrayal, then I tried to return him, promising to become different.

It seems to me that I tried everything, I was kind of obsessed with the idea that it must be returned at any cost.

At times I wished he would disappear from my life forever, and at other times I began to miss him greatly. Either I could not imagine my life without him, then, on the contrary, I did not see our life together.

Desire for him and tender feelings alternated with hatred and anger. I moved away from him, closing in my shell, then again went outside. I wanted him to do something so that I would forget my pain and resentment.

It seemed to me that he should beg for my forgiveness and do everything possible to calm me down. He tried, but not really, and it pissed me off terribly. It seemed to me that everything that was happening to me was a dream. I was in some kind of mental nightmare, I couldn't sleep, I lost my appetite.

But these were flowers ... A real nightmare awaited me ahead. Our eldest daughter she was seventeen and had an accident, she had several fractures, and this is her last year at school. My husband, early in the morning, when I was late for the hospital and for work, spoke to me about a divorce. In the evening, I asked him not to get a divorce now, to wait until his daughter recovers and goes to college. But he, after my next hysteria and offensive words addressed to him, said: “I died for you,” and left.

I could not believe that he could do this to me, that he could leave not only me, but also our daughter at a difficult moment. He not only changed, but he truly betrayed us.

I cannot understand why and why my husband did this to me. I cannot forgive him. Five years have already passed, I had affairs with other men, but it seems to me there was not a day that I did not remember him with anger and resentment. I don't understand how you can forgive that."

This is one letter from huge amount letters I received, in which women pour out their pain experienced in adultery. Someone immediately decides to break off relations with her husband, realizing that she will not be able to forgive him. Someone, not imagining their life without a husband, takes all sorts of steps to return him to the family. Someone knows about another woman in her husband's life, but prefers to remain silent and not tell him anything.

How many women, so many ways of behaving. But there is one thing that unites all these women - the pain, the incredible pain that they met when they found out that their husband was different. Mental pain is so strong that sometimes it seems that it is impossible to cope with it. A woman feels betrayed, humiliated, the feeling that her husband no longer needs her burns her heart with a red-hot iron.

The feeling that they left you drives you into exorbitant longing and despondency, and the thought that he is now well with another is simply unbearable. I want to howl from pain, and most importantly - from hopelessness. And the most painful thing is that nothing can be influenced, nothing can be changed. And his helplessness makes it even worse.

Betrayal hits the most painful and vulnerable place, so you do not see any opportunity to forgive wholeheartedly. In theory, you know that you need to forgive and let go in order to move on. And for a short time you get the feeling that you succeeded, but then resentment again begins to corrode your soul, and you understand that somewhere, deep inside yourself, you cannot forgive with all your heart.

Forgiveness comes from the head, but the depth of your soul does not respond, and you understand this. You feel that this resentment does not allow you to live in peace and joy, you periodically return to this topic, remembering betrayal, betrayal and your pain.

And it seems that time does not heal this pain, it only sews up wounds, leaving deep scars in the very heart.

In order for true forgiveness to come, you must first understand that the person who betrayed you did not accidentally come into your life, and betrayal is your life lesson that you can learn thanks to your husband.

Of course, you can curse him, be angry with him, hate him, not forgive him, hold a grudge, accuse him of ruining your life and the life of your children. You can do whatever you want, but it will not help you or ease your suffering.

I don't want to say that cheating is good, and your husband did it because of you, of course not. But you have drawn him into your life.

Why did this man come into your life? You did not guess about his character traits? Nothing during the period of acquaintance and courtship said that he could do this?

I will not believe. You, somewhere in the subconscious, saw and felt what your chosen one is capable of and what not. But you were too fascinated by the attention and love that he gave you. Have you ever thought about how small grievances at the beginning of a relationship will develop into big claims in life together. And these are not the only omissions.

And how did you treat him in marriage? Respect his words and opinion? Or did they consider him somehow unfinished, a loser, worthless, incapable of achieving anything?

And it's not all your faults. Your very mental structure is tuned to such a man. He existed within you long before he appeared in your life.

Your inner theater has drawn the right character for your play. Therefore, by and large, the man has nothing to do with it, you yourself, without suspecting it, created your own inner drama, and the man came into your life to play the role already prepared for him.

You followed your unconscious script with no choice. Blaming a man, you do not change anything inside yourself, you continue to be a prisoner of your script, causing yourself suffering. Think of yourself and your soul. Stop blaming your husband. Your soul needs healing and forgiveness, and only you can help it.

The only way to come to forgiveness is to understand the meaning of what happened. See change from all angles.

In resentment and anger, you see only one facet of what happened. Other meanings of betrayal are hidden from you.

The words "betrayal" and "betrayed" have a common root, only the meaning is opposite, although the one who was once betrayed or gave hope to believe in his devotion betrays.

What does it mean to betray? It is to stop being devoted to someone, something, your word, promise, yourself ...

Cheating and betraying your husband is a small part of your lesson, it is only one chapter. In fact, the betrayal in your life, like a web, has entwined all of you, you just don’t notice it, but if you start to look at your life in detail, you will see how the threads of these webs stretch from your parents, from you and from other people close to you .

We very acutely experience betrayal in relation to ourselves and, accordingly, we blame the one who betrayed us. Asking yourself the question “why was I betrayed?”, you suffer for a long time in search of an answer, not understanding why they did this to you. After all, you loved, tried your best. And he stopped loving you, stopped needing you ...

If you think deeply, the betrayal you are facing is the culmination of your pain. This is a key scene in your inner spectacle, but if you take a closer look at your life, you will realize that more than once you have faced betrayal.

Betrayal can be experienced not only with a man. Doesn't when the children fly away from your nest and stop calling you, forget to congratulate you on your birthday, don't you perceive this as a betrayal? Did your friends betray you? And if you go even further and deeper, then in your childhood you will find moments of betrayal.

Maybe your father abandoned you when you were still in the womb? Or perhaps your parents divorced in your early childhood, and your father did not really want to take part in your upbringing. Maybe your parents lived together, and still live, but your father always had other women, but wasn’t that a betrayal for you? And, probably, there were no other women, but he often disappointed you, deceived your expectations, did not keep his promises, or his love manifested itself in raids. Or maybe your mother constantly betrayed you, carried away by another man.

Or she was so busy at work and preoccupied with making money that she did not notice you, brushed you off, not having time to complete her business.

As a rule, we go through a lesson of betrayal and betrayal with a parent of the opposite sex.

Betrayal coexists next to tender affection and love. Children from 3-4 years old to 6-7 years old experience the most tender feelings and attraction to the parent of the opposite sex.

Girls fall in love with their own fathers, and therefore it is with fathers, men, that a girl learns betrayal, although her mother also betrayed her in her own way.

The lesson of betrayal for a woman begins in her childhood. Analyze your relationship with your father. Was there betrayal in them? Not necessarily explicit. Betrayal puts on sometimes unrecognizable masks. It is unlikely that you will remember your childhood feelings, they were forced out because it was painful. It hurts so much that you, as a child, could not survive it, and the psyche, saving you from pain, placed the pain of betrayal deep in the unconscious.

A lot of girls, because of the absence of a father, are affectionately attached to their mother. If you have the warmest and most tender feelings for her, will you not take her love and affection for her as a betrayal? younger sister or brother? But doesn’t a mother who feeds a baby, and all her thoughts are occupied with why her husband stopped paying attention to her, doesn’t betray the baby, depriving him of emotional involvement and warmth? Even if mom is playing with you, but when she hears a phone call, she switches her attention completely to the conversation, forgetting about you, isn’t she betraying you?

Or her thoughts are far away, she is not involved in communication with you, she performs her functions and duties well, but her soul and heart are closed to you. She is cold and distant. It is likely that this can also be perceived as a betrayal.

See how many shades and facets betrayal has. Don't you think that addiction, attachment and excessive focus on a person, involvement in feelings provide fertile ground for the seeds of betrayal to germinate?

Rather, these seeds can sometimes only exist in your perception.

The one who betrayed becomes part of your inner world and the hero of your performance. This is how our psyche works - parents turn from external objects into our internal heroes. Therefore, always in your life you will feel the influence of both your mother and your father, they are parts that live inside you.

In childhood, a relationship script is formed, and if both parents betrayed you, then in your unconscious there lives a child who is betrayed, and a part representing a parent who is capable of betrayal. These parts will definitely manifest in your life. You will betray and you will be betrayed.

Cheating is an inevitable moment in your inner drama.

The existing scenarios in your relationship deprive you of choice, you definitely need a hero for your performance, and you are simply forced to unconsciously look for a man who is capable of betrayal and whom you will betray.

You probably already understood that to betray is not necessarily to change. It happens that you knowingly find a traitor, and sometimes you provoke a person to betray. Although it is impossible to provoke what is not inside.

Your man has a role already prepared, he, like you, has no choice. According to your story, he must become a traitor. Your behavior, unconscious fears will provoke him to betray.

We have already told you that the outer heroes are also the heroes of your inner theater, which means that one of your parts is the same traitor. Think about when and with whom you did the same. Who and when did you betray?

Betrayal is very many-sided and does not consist only in physical betrayal. Your lesson is to stop being a traitor yourself. If your husband betrayed you, he showed you your own face, he came into your life so that through your pain you would understand how and what pain you caused other people.

Pain comes into our lives with only one purpose - to show our weaknesses, so that we pay attention to our soul.

There are many other types of betrayal in a relationship. Here are just the most common examples of covert betrayal.

When you do not see a strong and worthy person in your husband, but continue to be with him.

When you devalue him and compare him with other men, when you talk badly about him to your girlfriends, mom.

When you forget about children, being carried away by another man.

When you don't keep your word just because you feel overwhelmed or your mood is bad.

When you can't stand loneliness and seek solace with others. When you quickly delete a person from your life, leaving him no chance for correction.

When you spit on your parents and do your own thing, hurting them. when you forget about them.

When you secretly dream of another man.

The list of acts that can be attributed to betrayal is huge. If you think deeply, you will understand that you, in fact, are not much different from your husband. Of course, you are different, but so are you.

He cheated with another woman, but in your relationship the betrayal was constant - subtle, imperceptible to both.

You need to remember all the moments of betrayal on your part. Yes, of course, from your position it will not look like a betrayal, but you do not know how the other feels. It hurts you that your husband thinks about another, but what does he feel when you think that he is not worthy of you.

You will say that he does not know your thoughts, but for the soul it does not matter, the soul passes the lessons, not the body. Therefore, from this point of view, it makes no difference whether you are thinking about another or sleeping with him. Only by finding your traitor within you, you take one more step towards forgiveness and purification.

Now you need to analyze all those feelings that guided you when you betrayed. You see that you had no malicious intent. Now try to understand through the prism of looking at yourself what pushes another person to betray. He, oddly enough, also feels betrayed by you, he feels that you do not need you, that you are not happy with him and are not painfully satisfied with him and your life.

Betrayed by those to whom you have great affection and closeness. You feel betrayal because you are deceived, your expectations are not justified.

Your expectations start from the first meeting. Dating a man, you create an illusion ideal relationship, and most importantly - the illusion of his attitude towards you. This is a pleasant fairy tale, which at first promises to be endless.

Often you are afraid to face the truth and look at real person clear eye. And then, facing reality, you claim to have been betrayed. Your man does not help his old mother, he does not want to know his children from a previous marriage, and you lament when you find out that he cheated on you.

He did not betray you, he just lives the way he wants, without bothering with a sense of duty and obligations, he was like that at the time of your acquaintance. You didn't want to see reality. You reached out to his love for you, and in response to his love, your feeling began to be born. You didn't want to see the person the way they are. The only important criterion for you was his attitude towards you.

If you encounter betrayal repeatedly in your life, then the first thing to do is to think about repeating the same experiences in your life. Look at your relationship with your husband, starting from the moment you met. Cheating is the end of a tail that started growing long before cheating.

Reconsider your expectations of the people in your life and how you treat them. You will see that you need a man only to satisfy your needs.

From a man you expect something that you did not receive in your childhood. You will have to endure disappointment regarding love and your expectations, you will need to say goodbye to your childhood illusions, stop wanting to receive unconditional love and acceptance from a man. A positive childhood experience is to give up your strong desire to possess the object. Accept the situation of impossibility to completely take over one of the parents.

The failure to pass this experience, the injuries and pain you received fix you on the trauma, and you, not having the opportunity and strength to accept the existing state of affairs, reproduce your painful experience in a relationship with a man, unable to give up your hopes.

With it, you can rethink what is happening and get out of your scenario in which you subordinate yourself and your life to the satisfaction of your need for love, becoming dependent on it. It seems to you that you are losing yourself and submitting to a man - no, you are submitting to your desires to receive love. This desire hides betrayal.

I have already written about the duality of the world.

Loyalty always "walks" along with betrayal.

It is impossible to be 100 percent committed.

And what is it to be devoted?

A person cannot become like a dog and belong to the owner - each of us has our own interests, desires.

To be a devotee is not to change physically, but as far as the soul is concerned...

What does it mean to betray a person?

Many women, wanting to be a faithful and devoted friend to their man, give up their desires and goals. They forget that they came to Earth not only for love, but also to realize their potential. Many are ready to sacrifice themselves, as it seems to them, for the sake of a man. But they sacrifice for the hope that the man will do the same, that he will also sacrifice.

A woman does not follow her desires and the voice of her heart often because she is afraid of this freedom, she is afraid that a man will also use this to gain freedom for himself. And this frightens her madly, because she is not sure that he will return to her, that he will love her. Therefore, she prefers not to meet her friends, not to devote much time to work, as she is afraid to leave a man without her attention. She is afraid that he will not stand it and leave her, get bored, and she binds herself to him with strong ropes.

End of introductory segment.