Divorce after 10 years of marriage. How to survive a divorce from a husband and wife - advice from a psychologist. Social equality is not an empty phrase

If this has happened to someone you know or to yourself, know that you are not alone. This is becoming an increasingly popular trend in the world. For example, one in four divorces in America is over 50, and the odds of people that age getting divorced are exactly double what they were in the 1990s.

For friends and family, this often comes as a surprise, but we see such divorces among public figures and among those whom we have known well for many years. Why is this happening?

1. They gradually drifted apart. The process that leads to the silver divorce is slow. Everything happens gradually. It's like with unbreakable dishes that you can drop and, no matter how you drop, nothing is done to it. But some microcracks remain, their number is increasing. And then they hit critical mass, you drop the plate and it goes to pieces. So it is in relationships.

Many of those who separated at the end of their lives say that they simply drifted away from each other, went their separate ways.

Somewhere deep, near the very bottom, there is a constant cold current, discontent. It is not visible to anyone, but its cold touch is felt by those who are constantly together. This dissatisfaction and slow irritation can blur and destroy what seems solid on the surface.

Often women feel that they are giving too much: giving up their careers, not taking vacations, and saving. And it seems to them that in a relationship they have no one to rely on. And they, and not at all men, decide to leave, having raised children.

2. The age difference becomes more noticeable. Sometimes age starts to play a role, although when you first met each other, the difference seemed insignificant. This is a well-known psychological phenomenon - a difference of ten years in different ages seems either incredible (a first-grader and a graduate!), or insignificant (a 20-year-old girl and a 30-year-old young man).

45 and 60 were once only 20 and 35. And now these numbers symbolize the midlife crisis and the first signs of old age.

Every time you experience a crisis, you want to go back to the past, where everything was familiar and familiar.

Several times in their lives, explains Stephen Tatkin, PhD, people go through a psychological and biological "upgrade" of the brain. This happens at the age of 15, and at 40.

Every time you experience a crisis, you want to go back to the past, where everything was familiar and familiar. For this reason, people start relationships with partners much younger than themselves - they help them stay warm. summer sun some more.

3. They let themselves relax. Being next to the same person 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, we get used to and literally grow into each other. But sometimes this leads to the fact that people stop trying.

You work hard, grow your business, and earn money for your family, but have stopped working hard to be a considerate partner and attractive person. You allowed yourself to unravel.

4. Money acquires a different value. Differences in spending style become more apparent when you may need to be more frugal if the options are not as wide as they are in midlife.

5. Sex. As you age, hormonal changes occur, and this can affect how attractive your partner looks to you. Or sex ceases to be the only thing that held the couple together and kept you together.

Sometimes the difference in sexual temperaments becomes less noticeable and the ability to get along with each other comes to the fore, spouses live side by side as Good friends. Sometimes, on the contrary, in one of them the need for sex suddenly increases.

What can you do to prevent this from happening to you?

1. Make your relationship priority. It means protecting each other - in front of everyone, and even when you are alone. Be each other's expert, cover each other's backs. The children have grown up, the work is over, now you are left alone, and you are a single team.

2. Pay attention to yourself. Gaining weight, settling down at home and dressing in the style of "home chic" is not the right solution. This is a message to your partner that you don't care anymore. Take care of yourself and him.

3. Be aware of your role in the misunderstanding. But do not rush to give up and put up with the thought of divorce. Look in the mirror. If you saw a boring, tired person in the reflection, perhaps part of the problem is with you? And if so, make a decision - to return interest to your life. A new adventure - even if you decide to grow a new variety of watermelon together - will create new history about your family. New and interesting.

4. Talk about sex. Your body is changing, your sexuality is taking on different forms. Find it in touches, quiet evenings together, in tenderness and smiles. You cannot repeat past passionate nights, but they are still with you - in memories.

5. And everything else too. Talk to each other about everything. This is the only way to solve problems.

I am potential ex-husband. 9 years living together married, 10 years since we met. Two children, girls. This year the oldest is 9 years old, the youngest is 5 years old. She wants a divorce. For my part, there is no betrayal, alcoholism and other "strong" vices also do not exist. There is regular smoking in work time, I didn’t smoke at home, my wife never saw me with a cigarette, she only felt the smell after a working day. There is still controversy over taking large amounts of credit. He believes that it is necessary to build EVERYTHING in a year or two or three, buy EVERYTHING, and then give it away. At one time I worked as a loan officer, I saw a lot, I have a negative attitude towards loans of significant amounts. This is the disagreement. After the second child, sex became rare, at most 2-3 times a week, and sometimes, if necessary, either from my side or from her. It's not enough for her and for me. But at the same time, we are both silent and angry at each other. You won’t wait for a smile from her for several years, she only requires it. The other day I found old pictures of past years, even when only eldest daughter born and then until about the age of 2 years of the youngest daughter. In these pictures we are still happy. Quarreled, of course, from time to time different occasions. But I have always considered it important that we put up because we love. Everyone quarrels, but only those who love reconcile. But just like that, out of nowhere, she declares two months ago that she wants a divorce. That all nine years she suffered. And what wants to start new life. With children and without me. And I!? She single-handedly decided to destroy my family and leaves me alone. No kids next to me! Of course I was shocked at first. Of course, I took it emotionally. But what do you wives expect from men when you say you want to destroy a family? That they will joyfully jump around you, thanks for the devastation?! She says that this is the beginning of a new life for her. But we perceive divorce differently. For me, this is destruction. Imagine the picture after the explosion of the atomic bomb in the city, these are ruins.
Don't you think that maybe you can't "keep the hearth". Often from you good word you can't wait, but you keep demanding and demanding.
The more I think about the consequences of divorce, the more it hurts. A person has consciousness, these are thoughts at the current moment in time, memories of the past and thoughts about the future. This is probably the same soul that is spoken of in religions. So, from the gap, the deepest wound in the mind and it heals with terrible pain. She presses. To imagine Her with another mzhkm is even more painful, rage rolls over. I don’t even know how I will behave if I suddenly meet with a potential future M. And to realize that some kind of “left dad” who mom needs for comfort will bring up children - weakness, pain and anger roll over at the same time; man, but to sob hunting ska at a different moment.
And yet, why should husbands always yield, even when they are right, while wives do not want to accept even the thought that they should yield to their husband on some issue.
This state of "she wants a divorce" has been going on for two and a half months now. It's hard, it hurts, it's inevitable... because SHE wants it. Feeling like this is the end.
And yet ... I want an official war, so that the law gives the right to shed someone else's blood, so that it's not only bad for you, to release all the anger for everything at everyone. And at some point, let there be peace and quiet. 02/20/2015 08:33:57, Sergey198206

However, according to statistics, wives return much less frequently after a divorce. An analysis of such a number of divorces in Russia according to statistics shows that a family can break up even after 29 years of marriage. Divorces for 2016–2017 in Ukraine and Belarus Divorce statistics in Ukraine are not encouraging. Approximately 62% of couples separate after living together for a maximum of 18 months. The reason for fleeting marriages is their conclusion in early age. Young spouses who are not ready to start a new life often do not understand that candy-bouquet period won't go on forever. Therefore, faced with the first difficulties, they regret the hasty step. It is also noted that of the couples living in a civil marriage, only 5% formalize their relationship. The situation with marriage in Belarus is different. Young people are not too eager to arrange family life.

Curious statistics of marriages and divorces in Russia

But if you make the decision to "forgive and forget", you must be one hundred percent sure that you can do it. There are many techniques that will help you forgive the offense, but the main thing you need to understand is that after the betrayal, the relationship will definitely change. And not necessarily for the worse: if both the husband and wife found the strength to talk frankly and build relationships differently, so that the betrayal does not happen again, the marriage can become even stronger.

Otherwise, the risks of re-infidelity are very high. Reason 7 Nothing in common In every union there should be a certain common space of marriage: those affairs, topics, events that are equally interesting to both. If the husband and wife do not have a single point of contact, if each goes about his own business on weekends, there is nothing surprising in the fact that sooner or later such a marriage will fall apart like a house of cards.

9 Divorce Facts Every Couple Should Know About Divorce

Civil marriages About half of all couples choose not to enter into a formal marriage. Main reasons:

• Uncertainty in a partner;
• Lack of housing for young people;
• Fear of responsibility;
• The absence of a child;
• Prejudice. Some couples are sure that after registration their life will change dramatically.

This trend came to Russia from Europe.

France and Sweden are the world leaders in terms of civil marriages. So, the statistics of divorces in Russia is growing every year. There are more and more unregistered marriages. People have stopped fighting for their relationships and believe that there is nothing wrong with divorce.

Statistical table of divorces in Russia in different years

If the spouses manage to cross this Rubicon painlessly, they are no longer afraid of any adversity. Marrying and marrying peers Another study showed that the likelihood of divorce increases in direct proportion to the age difference between spouses. Each year that separates the age of the partners from each other increases the chances of divorce by three percent.

And a ten-year age difference increases the chances of parting by almost 40 percent. Everything seems to make sense here. Peers seem to be molded from the same test. They often share life views and principles with each other, have the same interests.

Why every woman should know her worth Why do cats love to sit in boxes? How the python "dined" on a porcupine and how it ended Do not make a grand celebration As practice shows, the richer and more pompous wedding celebration the more likely the relationship is to break.

Why do people get divorced after 10 years of marriage

Why do people get divorced after 10 years of marriage, when it would seem that life is getting better? After all, parting is always stress, sometimes scandal and tears, but something makes life in marriage so unbearable that people headlong run to the registry office and demand an immediate divorce. There are crisis years in marriage: these are 1 year, 3 years, 5, 7 and 9 years. Continuous crises and the ninth year are no easier to survive than the first.
What happens to the family when they have lived together for so long, and what reasons can there be for the destruction of the family? Sex. Or rather, its absence. The partners are already somewhat bored with each other and understand that there will be no surprises in bed. And boring and monotonous sex becomes boring very quickly.
This can be tolerated for a while, but boredom sometimes makes you look at the side and this brings us to the second reason why a couple gets divorced after many years of marriage.

How to decide on a divorce after 10 years of marriage?

RAZVOdis.RU Answers to questions

• Reasons for divorce in numbers
• Statistics of marriages and divorces for 15 years in Russia
• Divorce rate by years of family life
• Marriage statistics by age
• civil marriages

AT different countries world there may be certain differences between the values ​​of marriage. In Russia, over the past hundred years, the way of life has changed so much that it has led to terrible divorce statistics. Literally a few decades ago, destroying the cell of society was a moral crime.

Info

Couples who actually separated did not file for divorce. Today, the destruction of the family is no big deal. Therefore, the percentage of divorces in Russia has been steadily growing over the past three years. Causes of Divorce in Figures Every year, social studies and psychological surveys on the topic "Causes of Divorce" are conducted.

Divorce after years of marriage: 10 most common reasons

At the same time, cooking and cleaning is superfluous. Let him hire a servant, and give her only money for a manicure. For a while, this can be tolerated, but when a man does not see the return, or they begin to blackmail him with children, this is the end. With a strong-willed decision, a man breaks off relationships, and it will not be soon to venture into new ones. The mother-in-law is no better than the mother-in-law, and she can also cause a divorce. Even in happy marriage if the mother-in-law does not like the daughter-in-law, scandals arise from time to time. Slowly, the mother-in-law turns her son against his wife, and he begins to look at her through the eyes of his mother.

Attention

Of course, then he will come to his senses, but often, the family can no longer be saved. Too deep grievances are inflicted on each other and not everything can be forgiven. Why do people get divorced after 10 years of marriage? Psychology family relations built on stereotypes.

Statistics of marriages and divorces for the last 5 years in Russia

Russian Divorces Many people mistakenly believe that divorce was rare in the Soviet Union. But it's not. This is where the highest percentage of divorces occurred. The USSR ranked first in countries in the world. People dispersed in fact, but officially they did not seek to advertise this fact. After the collapse of the USSR, the CIS emerged. Divorce statistics by country have risen sharply. The top three were:

1. Russia - 51%.
2. Belarus - 45%.
3. Ukraine - 42%.

Today, Rosstat again confirms that the number of divorce proceedings in Russia is in the lead. Regardless of the points in the legislation, where a couple is given a certain time for reconciliation, 7% withdraw their applications.

Is there life after 10 years of marriage?

The reasons for such situations can be:

• Preservation of the stamp in the passport for the sake of the child;
• The impossibility of one spouse to move out;
• Dependence of the material plane;
• Disagreement with divorce (most often women);
• The age of the child is up to 1 year according to the law of the Russian Federation.

Статистика браков и разводов за 15 лет в России Таблица разводов в цифрах: Год Браки Разводы % разводов 2000 897327 627703 70 2001 1001589 763493 76 2002 10019762 853647 84 2003 1091778 798824 73 2004 979667 635825 65 2005 1066366 604942 57 2006 1113562 640837 58 2007 1262500 685910 54 2008 1179007 703412 60 2009 1199446 699430 58 2010 1215066 639321 53 2011 1316011 669376 52 2012 1213598 644101 53 2013 1225501 666971 55 The period from 2000 to 2004 is characterized by the highest percentage of divorces. Approximately 700 couples out of 1000 broke up the family. From 2005 to 2012, the situation improved markedly.
Do not change your spouse In fact, women who have had several sexual partners before marriage do not continue their "adventures" in marriage. This is a myth invented by people who do not want to put up with the fact that girls no longer retain their virginity before marriage. Representatives of the beautiful half of humanity can easily settle down by choosing a worthy life partner. Most often they are guided by the saying “they don’t look for good from good”. 15 Incredible Life Lessons From Your Loved Winnie the Pooh How To Know You're Developing Prediabetes: 12 Symptoms Lyme disease is caused by ticks and often goes unnoticed. psychological features cannot find satisfaction in a stable relationship with one partner.

Divorce rate after 10 years of marriage

Sometimes they just live by inertia, for the sake of the children, for the sake of the apartment, for the sake of a thousand other reasons, and a lot of stress can make them divorce. The death of loved ones, a serious illness, financial problems, people do not want and cannot sympathize with each other and the gulf between them becomes insurmountable. It is important for men to feel like the breadwinner and head of the family, if this is not the case, they feel unhappy. Sometimes they clumsily ask for help, but women do not understand their condition and offend them even more. Why do people get divorced after 10 years of marriage, the male view of relationships is specific. Although, all men are different, but they have the same claims. Mother-in-law. Mother-in-law destroys marriage and these are not myths or anecdotes. Through her daughter, the mother-in-law manipulates her son-in-law and "teaches life" to her daughter. Of course, all mothers want their princesses to ride like cheese in butter, so that their husband wears them in his arms and brings slippers in his teeth.
The statistics of divorces with children confirms this fact. Every second divorce occurs shortly after the birth of the baby. But divorce is not main reason why many children are without a parent.

Over the past 5 years, their number has increased by 30%. The explanation is simple - many women give birth without a husband. Wikipedia will tell you more about this view of life.

If Russian children brought up in incomplete family become about 56%, then in Ukraine - about 70%. Psychologists noted that it is more difficult for such pupils to create a strong family in the future, which leads to an increase in the number of divorces according to statistics. Behavior of spouses after divorce Statistics after divorce noted the following fact - a divorced woman, regardless of whether she has children or not, is more difficult to remarry. The reason for such circumstances is the increased mortality of middle-aged men.

The following list is not a set of recipes, and it is not a list of tips, it is not even a set of recommendations. These are theses of events and actions committed for self-saving purposes. different women in different time in a similar situation.

How to deal with attachment / habit, in general, cravings towards the former?

No way. You don't have to try to get rid of it. Such a struggle will feed this "essence" negative energy. But you don't have to give in to it either. You don't have to follow this impulse. There is no need to take action on this wave. And what to do? Just imagine this attachment as something that exists - in fact, in reality, physically - and observe this fictional reality. Look at it for a long time, intently and in detail, sniff it out, taste it from all impossible sides, climb into it, if necessary, into all the cracks.

What to do with love?

A very difficult question. And the answer is stupidly simple - nothing. Nothing is needed, moreover, nothing is impossible. Firstly, it is impossible to do anything with it - it did not come by our will, it will not leave by our will. And, secondly, doing something with it is dangerous. And it is fraught with psychosomatic consequences in female body. So what do you do anyway? First: this love must be allowed to be, that is, give it a certificate of its right to exist. Second: in the case of surging love feelings and memories, do not drive them away, but lightly touch them, play with them a little, freshen up as from a light breeze and let this breeze go its own way. These waves of feelings do not need to be fought and they do not need to get carried away.

How to communicate with the former?

A golden mean is needed here. Gain distance. But do not fall into disregard or, even worse, indignation. To continue communication in the same way in the hope of returning a person is unjustified. Return is possible. But since relations have already undergone radical changes, the form of communication should also be reset. That is, return to the original settings. As if two people had just met. Then it is possible to maintain balance in the process of communication, and avoid falling into negativity, and hope for possible options new relationships.

What to tell the children, if they exist, about the father?

For children, dad is always good, even if he is not. And so it should remain under any circumstances. From my mother's lips.

What to do if you want to cry?

You have to give yourself time and permission to do it. Choose a place, make a schedule, free yourself from everything and devote two hours a day to this business. The place is secluded. The phone is off. It is better if these two hours are subject to a schedule, that is, they occur every day at the same time.

Should I immediately start looking for a new relationship?

In order to switch to something temporary? If this works out. In order to find a new constant? Probably not. The emotional "vibrations" created by this state will scare away potential contenders for your hand and heart. At least there will be enough of them. It is better to sit out and wait until all the dregs after the experience have settled. And then see what step you can take.

Do I need to discuss the current situation with my friends?

Better not. Experience shows that more often this leads to the creation of forward and backward recursive feedback loops that keep the topic relevant permanently. Yes, and girlfriends to injure unnecessary experiences to anything. Wisdom is best sought within oneself.

What should you pay special attention to in your well-being?

It is important that at least all the natural functions of the body are preserved - sleep, nutrition, and others. Therefore, a stricter daily routine and life can play an important role in taxiing to a new path of victories and conquests. A form of food that I have long wanted to try. Physical activity for which there was not enough time. The development of his personality, than from time to time it was impatient to work out.

What should be the relationship after a divorce?

You need to remember the saying that a husband is temporary, and an ex-husband is forever. This is especially true when there are children. And, therefore, relations are better if they are peaceful, even better if they are friendly - respectful, without requirements and obligations. This, by the way, plays one of the decisive roles in building new relationships. With another man. Or with this. Who knows…

What else matters?

It is important to understand that there are no guilty people, at least their search will not lead to anything good. And there are no victims either. At least among you personally, there are no casualties. Both the position of the victim and the position of the accuser in the search for justice is a road to nowhere, and one way. The best way would be to get out of this water dry, and eventually organize something new for yourself, taking into account old mistakes.

How to prepare yourself for a new relationship?

The main thing is to understand and feel free as soon as possible. It's free. free woman. In this case, the so-called "search" program is turned on, after which - what a paradox (!) - you don’t have to specifically look for anyone and nowhere, but it happens as if by itself. Naturally, the launch of this program leads to some changes not only in behavior, but also in appearance.

All of the above is just experience. And this experience is just a measure. You can use all, or one, or several. Whoever likes it.

Pavel Lachev, practical psychologist, family counselor, psychotherapist.