What to do if the child has constant tantrums. How to deal with tantrums in a child? Effective advice from a psychologist

What is the difference child tantrum from a simple whim? The fact that this is an uncontrollable emotional outburst, a protest reaction that cannot be overlooked. The heyday of such “special” behavior is early childhood (from 1 year to 3 years), when all children, to one degree or another, try their abilities, get acquainted with the word “no”, but do not have sufficient ways of expressing disagreement and means to achieve what they want.

Older children also fight from time to time. It is important to remember that child's tantrum- this is only an emotional and behavioral reaction, and you should not be afraid of it. It will pass in the same way as the crying of a baby, under properly organized conditions and an adequate attitude of parents to the baby.

Child Throws Tantrums: Origins

The first step is to recognize the reasons why the child reacts violently to something, and the benefits that he gets from using this behavior.

• Adult manipulation. There comes a time when the child does not get what he wants or is faced with demands that were not made to him before (for example, to clean up his toys). The kid begins to act up, and if this does not help, he tries new way achieve a result: falls to the floor, choking with tears and screams, closing his eyes and waving his arms and legs. Parents at this moment experience a whole range of feelings, from impotence and embarrassment to rage. And if the scene takes place in a public place, then pressure from extraneous adults is often connected, and the baby achieves his goal: a new toy, a cake, etc. This situation is quickly consolidated, and the child begins to deftly manipulate adults.
• Lack of attention. In this case, the child does not make demands, because he does not understand what he needs, but feels discomfort. He just behaves in such a way that it is impossible not to react to it. Often such tantrums occur in families where the parents are too busy with their own affairs, and the adequate, socially acceptable behavior of the baby does not meet with any response, is not noticed. Then, in order to get "his share" of emotional contact, the child resorts to tantrums.
• Unbalanced psyche of the baby. Of course, for every child, fatigue, poor health and excessive emotions can cause hysteria as a surge of accumulated energy. But there are children who are more prone to such seizures due to their characteristics. nervous system. Easily excitable, hyperactive children are more likely to throw tantrums. Their "weak" nervous system is more sensitive to overload, and self-control is not enough. Such a child may understand that his behavior will not lead to any result, but he is not able to cope with emotions. Usually, after a short burst of inappropriate behavior, he becomes calm and easily returns to his usual activities, as if throwing off an emotional burden.
• Fear, psychotraumatic situation. This is perhaps the deepest reason tantrums in children. Stress caused by the loss of a loved one bad relationship between parents, conflicts in the children's team, moving, returning to a situation associated with a strong fright, can provoke a tantrum in a child.

Let's take a look at a few typical situations of tantrum to understand the different ways to overcome it.

Children's tantrum: what to do if the child is forgotten

Little Sasha is 4 years old, he is a rather calm boy. One day, his parents went with him to visit friends who recently had a baby. At first, Sasha behaved well, but after an hour of "gatherings" his behavior began to change. He began to whine, cling to his parents, and then threw a tantrum with terrible screams, so much so that the parents did not know where to go from shame.

Children preschool age still remain emotionally dependent on their parents, although outwardly they give the impression of already grown up and independent. Finding himself among adults busy with their own affairs and a newly born baby, Sasha acutely felt a lack of attention to himself, a loss of his significance, and therefore began to act up. But his "signals" were not understood, which led to hysteria.

In such a situation, it is best to apologize to friends and leave the stage, giving the child the opportunity to calm down and relax. You can distract the baby by inviting him to look, “what is there outside the window” or “oh, what an interesting thing is hanging on the wall here ...” If you have a purse with you, you can say in a mysterious voice: “Oh, look what I have in my purse eat!" Usually, babies stop crying from such news and look with interest into their mother's bag. Make sure there really is always something interesting in there, just in case something like this breaks out. childish tantrum ... What to do yet? When a child can’t calm down, it’s a good idea to use the “hold” method: hug the baby tightly, hold him close to you and stroke his back. And after he calms down, it would be good to give him something warm to drink. It is important for parents to remember that the baby, left to himself for a long time, tired, in an unusual environment, will remind himself in the loudest way. Therefore, when visiting, do not forget to entertain the child with something interesting.

Children's tantrum: what to do if the child is naughty

Three-year-old Lisa has been regularly harassing her family for several months with constant tantrums that can appear on any ban. Moreover, the girl is not embarrassed by strangers or relatives, she does not respond to persuasion and does not budge, notifying the district with a loud cry of “I want!”

Needless to say, going to the store becomes a real torture for the girl's mother, fraught with unnecessary purchases. And on the street, the situation is no better - either give her someone else's doll, or “I won’t go home” ... Lisa uses a classic manipulative hysteria, seeking to fulfill her demands in a way that, apparently, once worked. The most important thing in the case of a "store hysteria" is to remain calm. You need to make it clear to the child that you are uncomfortable with his behavior, but you are not angry and are not going to fulfill his desires just because he is lying on the floor. You can take the "troublemaker" out of the store, depriving him of a curious audience. It makes no sense to persuade or explain something to the baby at the moment of hysteria, he still won’t hear anything. It is better to discuss his behavior after he has calmed down.

If a scandal broke out on the street (for example, about someone else's toy), then it is important to quickly switch the child's attention to some object in his field of vision. The phrase: “Oh, look who is running!”, Said by the mother with passion, will make the baby forget about his offense for a moment and look where the mother is pointing. If the object interested him - the cry is over.

The main thing is not to stop there, continuing to tell the baby something like: “Oh, the cat ran, look how black (red, with a fluffy tail). How does a cat meow? Let's go see her!"

Another way to distract is to engage in action. Let's say you can pull crayons out of the bag and invite the crumbs to draw on the pavement. Or silently begin to draw. Most likely, the kid will want to participate. Drawing is lovely way"chill out". Does your daughter not want to go home? Well, you can tell her like this: “Okay, you can walk further, just see me off. Imagine, I forgot where our house is! Can you tell me? Give me a pen". A three-year-old child is unlikely to doubt the truth of his mother's "forgetfulness", takes her home, and there he will already forget that he was scandalous.

Children's tantrum: what to do if the child is afraid

Zoya just turned five years old, but her parents are still preparing with horror for a visit to the children's clinic when the child will have a blood test. You can agree with the girl about the upcoming event, that it is necessary, and she will sincerely promise that she will behave well. But as soon as she approaches the office, there is no trace of her intentions. Every time the case ends in a scandal, because Zoya first freezes in place, not listening to any persuasion, and then begins to actively resist and scream ...

Sometimes it happens that an event associated with a negative emotion (for example, fear) is imprinted in the child's psyche. When a number of conditions are combined (child's impressionability, pain, emotional reaction of adults, etc.), some situations begin to frighten the baby so much that they lead to tantrums. In the case of Zoya, it can be assumed that the reason for her behavior in the clinic is precisely a strong unprocessed fear, which only consolidates and intensifies with each childish hysteria. What to do? In such a situation, the feelings and needs of the child should not be ignored. It is best for Zoya and her parents to work with a child psychologist, he will draw up a behavior correction program. But parents themselves can take some steps.

Be as unemotional as possible when visiting the hospital (the child feels the tension of the parents), voice the emotions of the daughter, but do not give in to them: “Yes, you don’t want to go, you are afraid, but this must be done. Now let's be afraid and stop." At the moment of hysteria, react to the scream as if it were a normal reaction that will soon pass, you just need to be patient a little. Do not scold the baby for op, even if you are ashamed in front of others. It is necessary to create conditions for the child so that the association “doctor-pain-fear” breaks. To do this, it is necessary to replace the emotion of fear for medical procedures with the emotion of interest: play "doctor", changing roles, and playing all sorts of unpleasant moments and behavior; study children's encyclopedias and anatomical atlases, take the child with you when you go through any examinations so that he can observe an adequate reaction. A little about angels...

Are there kids who don't throw tantrums? Some parents can probably say that they have not experienced such behavior in their own child. Indeed, there are talented mothers and dads, who easily regulate the process of children's development.

It also happens that the baby himself is phlegmatic in nature and calmly relates to control, prohibitions and imposing the will of an adult. But most often children's tantrums are forgotten as the child “outgrows” them, the parental attitude to his behavior changes and it seems as if there were no tantrums at all. Therefore, try to treat children's tantrums not as a shame and horror, but as a signal that something in your family life or your baby's life is going wrong and you have the ability to change that. You will definitely make it!

Unfortunately, sooner or later, most parents are faced with such a phenomenon as children's tantrum. The child screams, throws himself on the ground, beats his head on the floor, does not respond to the requests and words of an adult. Parents are at a loss, what happened to the baby? How to behave so that the nightmare ends as soon as possible?

For some children, the period of tantrums passes quickly, for others it can last for years. Much depends on the behavior of the parents. If you treat tantrums calmly and do not indulge in hysterical seizures, you can correct the situation quickly enough.

Tantrums and whims

It is important to distinguish between the concepts of "hysteria" and "whim". The child deliberately resorts to whims in order to achieve the desired, something forbidden or impossible at the moment. Whims, as well as tantrums, are often accompanied by crying, screaming, stamping feet, throwing objects. Sometimes the whims of a child are impossible to fulfill.

For example, a child asks for a chocolate bar that is not in the house or wants to go down the stairs when the elevator came.

The age of three is a special period in the life of a child and parents. It is at this time that many adults especially often encounter hysterical seizures.

The child screams, falls to the ground, beats his head against the wall or floor, refuses to comply with the request of mom or dad. Parents, of course, are lost and do not always understand how to deal with children's tantrums. In some children, sudden bouts of bad mood pass quickly, while others can hysteria for years.

What to do? Psychologist's advice will help you respond correctly to whims and find an approach to a screaming child.

Experts advise to distinguish between hysterical attacks and whims. The child most often resorts to the latter on purpose, wanting to get the right object, the attention of an adult, or something forbidden or unattainable.

1. You can’t panic, demonstrate that such ugly behavior hurts you at least somehow. Often, a mother's tantrum joins a child's hysteria, which only intensifies the emotional outburst and inflames passions.
2. Be sure to try to figure out what exactly served as the "provocateur" of a hysterical attack. Sometimes it is enough to save the child from tiring visits to guests, to turn on various computer toys or cartoons less. If the cause is indisposition, you should consult a doctor.
3. It is best to simply ignore the emotional outburst. Of course, a child at the age of three should not be left alone or in a public place, but be in the field of children's vision, while remaining indifferent. Usually the attack quickly comes to an end if there are no grateful spectators.
4. Do not give in to the child if hysterical fits are necessary to get something. Babies quickly understand how to take advantage of the situation, so they begin to manipulate tears and screams, especially if the mother is embarrassed by such attacks.
5. In the initial stage, when the child can still hear you, you can try to talk, explain, distract with some action or a bright object. Sometimes these distractions work.
6. If the child is sensitive to tactile contact, during an attack, you can hug him, press him to you, whisper in a low voice tender words. This will help prevent self-injury, as some children tend to injure themselves.

Punishment during hysterical fits will not improve the situation. All educational conversations and disciplinary methods should be started only after everything settles down.

What to do after a tantrum?

Many parents have no idea how to deal with a child after a hysterical attack has passed. If emotional explosions occur constantly, they happen both at home and in kindergarten then you have to teach the child the right way expressing your mood.

Immediately after the tantrum, you need to explain to the child how upset you are by his behavior. It is the behavior, not the baby himself. Demonstrate that you still adore him, but you want to be proud of him every minute, and not just when he is well behaved.

The child needs to real example explain how exactly it is necessary to show various emotional manifestations - anger, anger, irritation, happiness or ecstasy. The kid is obliged to understand that the desired thing can be achieved not only by roaring and jerking legs.

Perhaps such a "science" will take a week or two or three months. The duration of training will depend on the temperament of the child. Little choleric people are more prone to hysterical attacks due to the mobile nervous system than sanguine and phlegmatic children. Melancholics can also become hysterical, but it will pass without excessively violent manifestations of emotions.

Most often, parents independently cope with tantrums in a 3-year-old child. However, in some situations, it is impossible to do without the support of a psychologist or even a doctor.

If hysterical seizures in a baby occur regularly for a month or longer, it can be assumed that the child has some kind of neurological disease.

Consultations and advice from a neurologist are needed if:

• during seizures, the child loses consciousness or stops breathing;
• after a tantrum, the baby begins shortness of breath, vomiting, he becomes lethargic, he tends to sleep;
• seizures become more frequent and worse;
• the child injures himself or his relatives (caregivers in the kindergarten);
• tantrums are combined with other psychological disorders (phobias, mood swings, night terrors);
• the child continues to hysteria at four or five years of age.

If there are no such symptoms, but children's actions continue to disturb you, the best way out will be consultation and advice from a psychologist.

That is why you should contact a psychological center to discuss a possible way out of the situation.

Preventive measures

Hysterical seizures are common in children aged three years. And it is easier to prevent them than to fight them later. The main tips relate to streamlining the daily routine, bringing the requirements of parents and grandmother to the child to uniformity and working on yourself.

If a child throws tantrums, he does not obey. Personal experience of a psychologist

good psychologist- this is the one who went through, experienced, realized, overcame and worked through those tasks, trials and problems that life gives him.

I recently got a call from one of my banking clients, from my days as a bank manager. I called dissatisfied with the service in the office where I once was the manager, saying that with my departure it became much worse. In such situations, two feelings fight in me. One says: "You see how well done you are, so you are a good leader." On the other hand, it becomes a little pitiful for the years spent on work. Although clients sometimes make mistakes, they make excessive demands on new employees. Often, everything is not so bad, just such a mood a person has today.

I said that I no longer worked in banks and had been doing psychological counseling for several years, and our conversation smoothly turned to the topic of family relations between parents and children. The problem, for our time, is standard, the child does not obey, plays computer games, does not listen to his parents. Question: what to do? Of course, I tried to give recommendations, but I felt that they sound rather banal and are unlikely to be useful to him, and will give some effect. In my private practice, I do not work with child-parent relationships, so I did not pay much attention to this topic. However, everything in life does not happen by chance. As in this famous phrase of John Don: “... never ask for whom the Bell tolls; He is calling for you." Last night, when one of the few calm evenings turned out, when my eldest son did not throw tantrums, was quite accommodating and obedient, I realized that this was a sign for me to understand something in my life.

Elder son and tantrums

My first son is a very long-awaited child in our family. For more than two years, my wife and I, after we decided that it was time, could not conceive. Eat right, lead absolutely healthy lifestyle life, seriously engaged in yoga. They prayed, asked for blessings from their parents, went to astrologers and psychics. It seems that one of the astrologers said that there is no child because there is a birth curse. But at some point, either thanks to the help of some specialists, or just the time has come, a miracle happened.

The wife turned into a mother hen, completely devoted herself to the birth of a child. We went to special courses before childbirth, in Moscow there is a center where Orthodox midwives teach, who then help to take birth at home. The birth went quickly, without complications, thanks to yoga, the right mood, the help of our midwife and, for sure, higher powers. The son was born completely healthy and strong, weighing 4 kg. Despite the endless worries of grandparents that there will be problems due to insufficient amounts of protein due to the fact that we are vegetarians.

After the birth, we immediately felt that the guy was born demanding and quite emotional. And by the age of two, he began to firmly defend his positions, and, in case of failure, went into hysterics.

I’ll make a reservation right away, our grandmother is a pediatrician, so we didn’t have a chance to go through all the doctors, including a neurologist. The answer is - everything is fine, glycine, valerian; and in general, many children now do not listen to their parents and will hysteria - this is within the normal range. And the fact that parents “go crazy” from this, well, so that you wanted life is not sugar, you need to work on yourself. Although how to do this is not clear.

Now my son is 6 years old, the child throws tantrums quite often. Moreover, the methods of manipulation with the development of consciousness are rapidly improving. The wife now drinks valerian herself. Partially reducing the number of tantrums was helped by adherence to the regime and the exclusion of moments of overwork, emotional overload due to the high sensitivity of the nervous system. Most often, this behavior occurs at a time when there are significant adults. Calms down only after the drama being played out reaches a climax. You can attribute everything to the character, to the characteristics of the nervous system, which only leads everything to a dead end, from which there is only one way out - this is glycine, valerian and other, more "strong" drugs.

It can be assumed that, probably, the child has a demonic character or something like that. Now, during the development of the Vedic worldview, this is a fashionable term. This very convenient label is used in order not to look for reasons and to relieve oneself of responsibility. It's just a character, what can you do.

For quite a long time I have been trying to find a clue to this phenomenon, I tried to try on different concepts, first of all, I analyzed the roles: “victim-savior-tyrant”. You can see how these scenarios play out, but attempts to change them do not give a lasting result. It feels like some kind of force returns everything to its place, and the performance continues.

In the literature on psychology and psychosomatics, it is said that a child can behave hysterically from a lack of unconditional love and attention. When parents show love and care only when the child behaves well. That is, parents live by the principle: “I want to enjoy life, and you should help me with this, and if your behavior does not allow me to enjoy, then I will not waste my time and energy on you.”

However, the son, for sure, has not been deprived of attention since childhood, but the question is open about unconditional love. The problem is that even if this is all true, then where can a parent get such unconditional love if there is none. And in general, reasoning on the topic of unconditional love is sometimes very impractical, because it is even difficult to understand what it is. And where and how to get it is generally a big question.

At some point, my wife and I decided to analyze the life of our ancestors, because in my experience of working on myself and working with clients, family and family scenarios often contain answers to many questions that seem inexplicable or intractable to correction.

It turned out that in the family of my wife and my family there is a repeating scenario when one of the relatives behaves harshly, demanding attention and submission to his will, provokes conflicts. And that's exactly what my son does. However, there is no insight here, except that after analyzing and comparing our family trees with our wife, we, in due time, saw that we met and fell in love with each other not by chance. But, in itself, this understanding does not yet give an answer to the question "What to do with it now?". Well, life was hard, the revolution, the wars. Well, some of the men in our families could not stand it and acted treacherously towards women. And women were not saints, of course, they put all the blame on the men, not trying to understand and understand the circumstances, to understand and forgive.

Moreover, children who grew up in families where there were problems in the relationship between their parents were deprived of attention and love, the attention of even their mothers. Their mothers, who did not forgive their husbands or fathers, could not give the necessary attention and care to their children, because they were forced to solve many household and personal problems alone. Children who did not receive the experience of the selfless love of their parents could not fully pass it on to their descendants.

Children growing up in an atmosphere where there is little love are forced to somehow compete for attention from others. This becomes the reason for the formation of a character prone to dominance and upholding their point of view no matter what. After all, this is how the missing attention is replenished and the person feels that he is not indifferent to his relatives. The goal of defending one's point of view to the last is to protect oneself. Protection, as they believe, from the injustice of this world. From inappropriate and disrespectful attitude towards their personality. They always fight for the truth, for themselves and never give up, they fight at any cost.

Therefore, blaming a six-year-old child or an 80-year-old grandmother for provoking conflicts would not be correct. The only difference is that if an adult, if desired, can try to understand the reasons and correct his attitude to life, then a child with an undeveloped consciousness cannot do this for sure.

The question arises, what should parents do if the child throws tantrums?

It can be assumed that having worked out your generic scenario and given Special attention the lives of those ancestors who had a negative experience, will help parents understand their own model of behavior that triggers just such a scenario of relationships with a child. And awareness of the program already makes it possible to change it.

I will try to briefly formulate my assumptions about what to do in a situation where a child throws tantrums and does not obey:

1. Draw family trees of spouses.
2. Find out which of your ancestors received psychological trauma associated with a lack of attention, feelings of love from one of the parents or spouse. Perhaps the father was the cause of the daughter's misfortunes.
3. Understand the reasons for such behavior of your ancestors. It is necessary to recreate the historical reality in which these events took place, then it will be easier for you to understand them. For example, during the war and after, all the men drank a lot, drank just to relieve stress (do not judge them, God forbid we live in such conditions), decisions made while intoxicated are often irresponsible, when sober, a person may would not have done so.
4. Perhaps the person simply did not have a choice. It is important to consider that families do not break up just because of one person. Always both spouses bring the family to this. One - by their actions, the second - by inaction or provoking the situation.
5. Try to forgive everyone who has hurt others. You need to forgive not just because “God forgave and bequeathed to us”, forgiveness should be based on the understanding of that person of his personal problems, life difficulties, insurmountable circumstances that he faced.

Another insight that I received while dealing with this issue is that love is not only about enjoying your son or daughter, love is also about investing your life energy, strength and time in raising a child. This is to invest in working with the child, including when the child does not behave the way we like. Often, one of the parents does not take a strict position on a number of educational issues, due to the lack of strength and energy to do this, which provokes inappropriate behavior of the child, or vice versa: he behaves excessively harshly. This can also be attributed to the lack of the necessary energy, the desire to isolate oneself from problems. Blame everything on the character of the child, heredity, lack of time, the need to earn money. There are many excuses for not taking care of a child.

However, as I wrote at the beginning, it is possible to assert that these methods will work only if personal experience overcoming the situation, or at least the experience of other people who have gone through this situation. I have neither one nor the other in terms of working with a 6-year-old child. Therefore, I decided to first try to “work through” this situation myself, and in a month to make a small report on what happened and how effective it was.

A three-year-old child can throw tantrums for many reasons.

First, children at this age have already realized that they are not one with their mother, that they are separate, independent individuals. They have their own needs, and since small children do not know how to wait and they have not yet developed patience, they begin to demand that their desires be fulfilled right now and, having been refused, they get very upset and throw a tantrum.

Secondly, despite independence, three-year-old children want their parents to show their love as often as possible, which previously seemed unconditional - now they need deeds and actions, and children still cannot regard words and manifestations of care as love.

Thirdly, they already know how to perform basic actions: walk, talk, dress, eat, but they still have few opportunities. Therefore, fears often arise that he will be left alone, that he will be abandoned. All these feelings are too complicated and complicated to be expressed in words, and the child gets upset, screams, cries and throws tantrums.

Sometimes the baby knows that tantrums help to get his way and uses this method if he wants. new toy, sweets, watching cartoons or even playing games, in which case this is a method of manipulation that should not be encouraged. And in many cases, children simply do not yet know how to control their negative emotions and manifest them in this way - in the form of tantrums.

What to do with hysteria?

First and foremost, whenever and wherever your child has a tantrum, stay calm and don't lose your temper. Do not try to calm him down with convictions, or stop him with shouting or prohibitions. It is advisable either not to react in any way to violent manifestations of emotions, or to try to hug and cuddle the child if the tantrum has become uncontrollable. Speak kind words at the same time and console him.

Some psychologists advise to go to another room and leave the baby alone - if it was just a cunning manipulation, he will quickly calm down. But with a real tantrum, a child can become scared when no one is around, so it’s better to be around and wait until the emotions subside.

In no case do not make concessions, even in public, when a child demands something - he will quickly understand that this is his conditions. Parents should have control over the situation. If the baby begins to behave too violently, he needs to be taken to a safer place.

After the tantrum, talk calmly with the child, try to put it into words yourself, because of which he was upset, so that he understands that it is more effective method express your desires.