Is feeling jealous a good thing or a bad thing? Is jealousy a sign of love? Love, jealousy, trust Feeling of jealousy if you love how it manifests itself

A strong feeling sometimes makes us behave monstrously towards the one we are in love with. We'll cover five common types of unhealthy displays of "love" and how to deal with them.

Jealousy

This is not about the usual injections of jealousy that anyone can experience. Painful jealousy is dangerous when an unpleasant feeling completely captures. In such cases, paranoid thoughts may even arise. An example is the scene in the film The English Patient, in which the protagonist, seeing how her beloved dances with another man, attacks her with accusations and insults, after which he reveals his desires in the phrase: "I want what belongs to me."

Causes of such jealousy

Sometimes jealousy has an objective basis - for example, if there have already been betrayals.
Learned patterns (stable models) from the family: observation of jealous relationships between parents, jealousy of parents in relation to little child forced struggle for the attention of parents.

Unpleasant situations in past relationships: for example, they ended due to infidelity.
Sometimes acute jealousy can be a sign of a mental disorder.

It happens that the lack of communication about feelings, support and intimacy creates a feeling of insecurity in a relationship that causes jealousy.

What to do?

It is important to strengthen intimacy in relationships: the safer and more trusting they are, the less jealousy. To do this, it is worth talking honestly and openly with a partner about your feelings and experiences, as well as working on accepting a partner in his feelings. In no case do not "troll" and do not use jealousy as an object for manipulation - this is a dangerous game.

Passive Aggression

When we encounter sarcasm, sabotage, procrastination or unconscious sabotage, it is often a sign of passive aggression (aggression in which tension does not find a direct outlet).

Causes of Passive Aggression

Passive aggression is associated with the fact that a person does not know how to express emotions directly. Such a model of behavior is formed in childhood - for example, parents themselves did not express emotions or did not allow the child to do so. Thus, a person has an internal prohibition on expressing his feelings.

What to do?

If you notice signs of passive aggression in yourself, then:

track how it manifests itself, in what situations, what you say or do;
analyze what your feelings are behind this (and what is their reason);
try to express emotions directly, for example, instead of "It's good to be you, no responsibility" say "Darling (s), when you do not do what we agreed, I get very angry because I feel unimportant (s)."

If a loved one shows feelings through passive aggression, you can help him by saying at this moment: “I see you are angry now, tell me, because of what?” It is not easy to respond calmly, instead of also showing aggression, but by correctly pronouncing the emotions of another person, you help him to become aware of them and, as a result, change his behavior pattern.

The control

The desire to control is expressed in:

prohibitions to do something (“Don’t go to a party with your friends”);
requirements to report on all movements (“Where were you? Why were you there? And with whom were you there? What did you talk about? And then what did you do?”);
checking someone else's phone, reading SMS, mail and other personal correspondence;
binding a person to himself through creating a sense of his own indispensability (for example, one partner knows where everything is in the house, and the other does not know).

Causes of control

The formation of the desire to control, as in the case of jealousy, is influenced by early learned patterns of behavior or the absence of true intimacy in relationships. For example, parents controlled each other or every step of the child, or a person feels that the relationship is cooling down, but instead of a direct dialogue, he begins to control the partner, defending himself in this way and trying to save the relationship.

What to do?

It is necessary to discuss common values, ideas about relationships with a partner and, on the basis of this, establish rules that suit everyone. No one is obliged to live by the rules that make him unhappy. For example, both partners consider cheating unacceptable, then both maintain relationships with the opposite sex on a platonic level, but if one of the partners believes that there is nothing wrong with cheating, then no control will help.

Dissolution in a partner

Dissolution is a state when one or both partners cease to understand where their feelings, thoughts and desires are, and where is the other person, it looks like a merger. Do you remember Chekhov's Darling? This is it.

In this state, it is difficult for a person to answer questions:

"What do I want?";
What are my personal needs?
What are my plans and aspirations?

Causes of "dissolution" in a partner

Childhood experience, including traumatic ones, did not sufficiently form the skill of setting personal boundaries (the ability to protect a sense of identity, independence and “being oneself”). For example, if a child was not given the opportunity to have his own space or disagree with something that the parents suggest, then as an adult it will be difficult for him to hear himself and his needs.
You can also dissolve in a partner because of the fear of rejection: for a person, parting is the worst thing. This leads to attempts to please the partner, the desire to follow him everywhere.
Romantic notions about relationships (" Real love- this is when we are together all the time, when emotions are overwhelming, when we cannot live without each other") can lead to a merger with a partner.

What to do?

Answer yourself the following questions:

“What is personally important and valuable to you in relationships and for individual happiness?”;
“Is there a place in your life for personal hobbies and development?”;
“In what situations do you experience unpleasant feelings?”;
How do you get out of sticky situations?
Set new boundaries by talking openly with your partner about your wishes and theirs.
Agree on new rules: for example, on Saturdays, take time for a personal hobby or meet with your friends.​

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation and abuse aimed at making the victim doubt their own perception through:

denial of emotions (“It seems to you that you are angry, but you are not”);
denial of facts (“What are you, at all? I have never done this”);
hints of mental illness ("She's crying because there's something wrong with her").

A vivid example of the use of gaslighting can be seen in the film "Gaslight" (Gaslight, 1944), thanks to which the term itself appeared. In this film, the relationship between the heroine Ingrid Bergman and her husband clearly shows how gaslighting techniques can almost drive you crazy.

Causes of gaslighting

Gaslighting is used by almost everyone from time to time - for example, due to real forgetfulness or unwillingness to admit the truth of another.

But if there is a systematic devaluation of someone's feelings in a couple, then the aggressor partner may have a mental disorder (a mental state that is different from the norm), for example, a narcissistic personality disorder. Mental disorders are formed as a result of a complex interaction of biological (genetics) and social (upbringing, environment, traumatic events) factors.

What to do?

In the case of “innocent” gaslighting, an open conversation about your feelings can help: “When you say that this did not happen, I feel bad, because I begin to doubt my adequacy. Therefore, if you really remember what it was, then I ask you to admit it, and if you are not sure, then say directly that you don’t remember exactly. If a person used such a “technique” unconsciously, then most likely he will meet halfway and admit or think that, for example, it is difficult for him to be wrong.

In the case of a mental disorder, a person needs psychotherapy, it is impossible to recover on his own.

Those who have experienced gaslighting as a victim should develop trust in themselves and their feelings, as well as the ability to set personal boundaries. Might also need professional help, as gaslighting contributes to the development of serious psychological problems at the victim.

If the relationship is mostly joyful, you love your partner and want to be with him for a long time, and he, in turn, is ready to meet you and is ready to work together on the relationship, then you already have the foundation necessary for progress. If you are unhappy and unsure of your feelings, and at the same time your partner devalues ​​your emotions and claims, then, most likely, the two of you are not on the way.

Sooner or later, every person at least once in his life will meet with such a feeling as jealousy. The problem of jealousy affects a large number of of people. What is the nature of this feeling? Is jealousy a sign of love? Or is it a symbol of human egoism? In any case, this problem is of enormous proportions. Almost in every women's magazine published at least one test for jealousy. Glossy publications are full of articles about this feeling. Jealousy, quotes about which can be found in almost any book, has become a part of human life. Where will it lead us And is the statement “jealousy is a sign of love” true? Let's look at the nature of this feeling.

Jealousy - what is it?

The feeling of jealousy is destructive in itself. It is based on dissatisfaction, distrust or a desire to take revenge on another person. The attitude of a man to a woman is often accompanied by similar emotions. What does it say? That jealousy is a sign of a man's love or a sign of his self-doubt? In most cases, any manifestation of this feeling is an explosive cocktail of several emotions. wife, children or girlfriend, intertwined with other negative feelings: resentment, anger, longing, loneliness - pushes a person to commit acts that often have unpleasant consequences. Therefore, you need to find the strength in yourself to curb it.

Is jealousy a sign of love?

Many believe that this feeling is one of the many manifestations of love. But is it? Of course, we will be jealous only of those people who mean a lot to us. However, if a person experiences such a feeling, then this does not mean at all that he loves. Therefore, jealousy has some other sources than love. The simplest test for jealousy will help you realize what caused this feeling. After you notice at least a small amount of jealousy in yourself, conduct an introspection and try to understand what its sources are. Below we present several possible options.

Fear of betrayal

The attitude of a man to a woman is very often accompanied by jealousy. This feeling is extremely closely connected with the concept of treason. Jealousy in itself simple version- fear that a loved one can betray. Or is this the feeling that appears when a jealous girl finds out about committing treason. When a person shows this feeling, he pursues the desire to protect himself from the betrayal of a partner. However, quite often the opposite happens.

Projection of complexes on another person

In most cases, behind the feeling of jealousy is a lack of self-confidence and self-worth. It can manifest itself both in fear of failure and in jealousy. Relationships with another person are often a way to support one's own self-esteem. That is why they are so significant.

Ownership

Jealousy can be a consequence of the desire to possess a person, as well as to keep everything under control. Quotes of great people often mention this. Again, the source of such behavior, most likely, is internal complexes, discomfort and self-doubt.

Unmet expectations

A feeling of jealousy can also arise when we place certain expectations on a person, but he does not justify them. In most cases, such expectations are associated with trust.

Control of someone else's fate

With the help of power over another person, we are trying to create stable conditions for ourselves. By controlling the actions of others, we can prevent changes in relationships, and this is how we maintain the stability of our own lives. However, this is only an illusion, since total control is simply impossible. As a result, distrust and feelings of jealousy appear.

As you can see, jealousy is a deep human experience. However, this feeling can also be different. A child can be jealous of parents and vice versa. You can experience this feeling in relation to a friend or to a loved one. How to classify it and what are its origins?

Sibling rivalry

In fact, jealousy tries to find a secluded place in your life in early childhood, that is, when you are not yet able to properly protect yourself from it. She quietly comes up behind you and whispers in your ear, “Look! Your mom treated the girl next door to candy! But she could give it to you. Mom doesn't love you. She loves that girl more than you!” At first, you just try to whisper it, but jealousy is a persistent lady. She will remind you of herself time after time. When dad takes another child in his arms, when he praises the successes of his older sister, when parents advise to take an example from younger brother. That's when you get really scared. What if they really don't like you? Why don't you get the attention of your parents? After all, they said that you would be loved by them anyway. That's when jealousy will prevail.

Everyone has this feeling in their own way. Someone will immediately come up and give a good tug to the braid of the same neighbor girl that your parents had the imprudence to caress. And someone will hold a grudge for life and will regularly remind aged mom and dad about what they have done.

Friendly jealousy

And life goes on. You grow up, go to school, graduate from college, work. And your constant friend - jealousy - does not leave you for a minute. You will make new acquaintances, join the company, communicate with colleagues at work. And she, in turn, will imperceptibly strengthen her position.

Do you have a friend or? Fine! It couldn't be better! For jealousy, this is an unplowed field. And you can already hear her whisper: “Look! She hasn't called you for two days. Surely she is busy with those with whom she is interested in communicating. Would you like to call and tell me what you think about this traitor? Needless to say, as soon as you start to succumb to such impulses, your entire friendship will crumble brick by brick.

How does such jealousy manifest itself? When you go to a cafe with a girlfriend, you are ready to discuss only the two of you. The people who are calling her on her mobile at this time are literally causing you physical pain. You become furious if your friend doesn't answer your call or, worse, refuses to go out with you.

Love and jealousy

Perhaps a loved one is the most tasty morsel for jealousy. Indeed, there is where to roam for glory. You have not had time to fully enjoy candy-bouquet period first falling in love, to feel the whole emotional palette of first love, and she has long had a plan of action. Hurry, you still have a lot to do!

To get started, read all of his SMS messages and correspondence on social networks. Check his notebook for female names. Don't forget to hack email! Interview all acquaintances and friends: who knows, maybe they have already seen him hand in hand with a new passion. It is extremely important to control every call, as well as the schedule of movement around the city. Do not forget to immediately throw a scandal if he lingers somewhere for at least ten minutes. After this scandal, he must remove all numbers marked with female names: this includes ex girls and classmates and work colleagues. Of the women, you allow only yourself and his relatives, and then the closest.

parental jealousy

If you managed to control yourself and not destroy at least one romantic relationship, create a family, then the next danger awaiting you is the birth of a child. Can you imagine? You raise your baby, give him all the love that you are capable of, and all of yourself at the same time. But now he is growing, he suddenly has new friends, your influence on the child is becoming less and less every day. Now he loves not only mom and dad. New objects for adoration appear on his horizon. How will your resentment and confusion be expressed? In the worst case, you will become importunately patronize your child. And when the child grows up, he will categorically declare that you have ruined his life.

Ask yourself: do you need such an ending? Then say an unshakable “no” to this feeling and slam the door in its face. Forget the old adage that if a person is jealous, then he loves. Not true. If he is jealous, he does not trust, doubts, craves attention, but does not love.

Jealousy is a painful feeling... The worm of doubt sometimes reaches such proportions that it seems that the jealous person suffocates himself and blocks the air of his beloved. Jealous brings himself and a loved one to a frenzy. In such incredible tension, relationships cannot last long. Even the most stable and stable threaten to turn into ruins.

To create harmonious relations is a titanic work. In an attempt to preserve this value, a person begins to look for ways,.

The first step is to query Google. And now dozens of pages with answers to the question: how to cope with jealousy are already being moved. But with all the variety that the Internet offers, there really is not enough good advice helping to solve the problem, how to get rid of jealousy. The psychology of this condition remained undiscovered until recently.

You look at these advisers and think: people, what are you talking about? What is there “Develop yourself, don’t complex, pull yourself together”?! It's like trying to stop Hurricane Katrina. It is useless to control the elements!

Jealousy is disaster inside the psyche. Without knowing the nature of this feeling, people mistakenly attribute illness to themselves. This is what they say at the reception at the psychologist: “Doctor, I am pathologically jealous. I don't know how to overcome jealousy". Often, at the request of the “patient” - how to deal with jealousy - the advice of a psychologist does not help one iota.

What to do with jealousy and how to stop torturing a partner can be suggested by Yuri Burlan's Systemic Vector Psychology training, which reveals people's unconscious desires to us. There lie the roots and causes of this oppressive feeling. The very forces that control us unconsciously become clear: they make us interrogate with prejudice, control every step of a partner and perceive another person as property: "My! Will not give it back!".

What drives us to jealousy? This phenomenon can be considered from three different sides of the perception of the world. Let's consider in more detail.

Jealousy as a sense of ownership

Real jealousy as it is is characteristic of the carrier. Such people are distinguished by the desire to own property. The first word of the skin child is "Give". Such people perceive everything as prey.

Their highest value is social and property dominance, the accumulation of material wealth, and ranking. A person with a skin vector, even being developed and realized, but in overstress, begins to perceive his other half as property. A woman with such a man can feel like a bird in a golden cage. He needs to control it: “Where did you stay? Who did you dress up for? Have you got someone?".

Without an eight-dimensional perception of reality, a person tends to look through himself. First of all, he is jealous who is himself capable of changing or fantasizing on this topic. Paradoxically, having a balanced libido and being absolutely monogamous, a person with a skin vector, a flexible psyche and body, can change partners like gloves.

Such desires arise if a person fails to apply his talent in society, and instead of changing the surrounding reality, he cheats in bed. With a natural talent for self-restraint, lawmaking, and engineering, skin vector people are transforming the social realm by giving it shape. Frames, restrictions - this is what they enjoy. When they fail to realize their potential in society, control over loved ones is used, suspicions of treason arise. Thus, a person gets his scant pleasure in realization. Therefore, he evaluates his partner in the same way: if I can, then what prevents him from doing this?

Jealousy for the past

Another manifestation of jealousy in is jealousy of the past. Be it a childhood friend or classmate. The “first” in their understanding is always the best, and therefore it seems that they will have to compete with an unattainable ideal.

The gaze of a person with an anal vector is always turned to the past. In his system of values, the past is always better than the present. Even the favorite subject at school for such children is history. These are the owners of a phenomenal memory.

A person with such properties in the mental often becomes a hostage to the first experience, and if he was unsuccessful, then this is reflected in his whole life.

In a woman, jealousy can manifest itself as a feeling of deprivation and dislike. She is more likely to be jealous of her husband for a classmate than for a beautiful neighbor in the stairwell. Man with anal vector is jealous for fear of being disgraced. “What people say” is very important to him. It is important for him that the reputation of his wife is impeccable. For him it's not empty sound! Focused on the past, he also tends to be jealous of the former. Sometimes such jealousy can end tragically for the "suspects".

Jealousy as a demand for attention

Jealousy can disguise the fear of losing the object of love, the desire to be the center of attention. The visual vector is bright emotions, feelings, experiences.

Combining with other vectors, the visual vector gives jealousy an even larger scale - it “adds fuel to the fire” due to emotional intensity, and the burning feeling becomes uncontrollable. A person begins to torment his partner with jealousy and make his life unbearable. Again and again, more and more sophisticated pictures of the betrayal of the faithful arise in the imagination of an impressionable person. The best way out of such states is to understand yourself and your partner.

Jealousy is usually explained by a lack of trust. But a systematic view of the problem suggests that jealousy is one of the indicators of how satisfied we are with our lives. And trust in relationships is not a cause, but a consequence of a happily lived life, when energy is in full swing, when we feel joy from what is happening around. When we acquire systemic thinking, learn to understand ourselves and others, suspicion, distrust and many other negative states go away.

“But recently we realized by chance in a conversation that there is no more jealousy. Here in general. He is sure that I feel better with him than with anyone else. That no fleeting romance can replace the intimacy we have. And I tracked important point that the problem was not only in him. He was jealous because of my condition. Until I myself said goodbye completely to the ancient emotional dependence, I could not invest entirely in our relationship, and he suffered. When I turned to him with all my heart, jealousy disappeared.

“My pathological jealousy has passed. I stopped checking my husband's phone and suspecting any woman's name in his phone there is a connection with him. I stopped interrogating him about female colleagues. Not because I forbid myself, but simply because there is no longer such a need, desire. There is no fear that he will go to someone, really not, I no longer perceive him as my property and trust 100%. It's a huge thrill!"

If you want to get rid of an oppressive feeling and improve the quality of your life, Yuri Burlan's System Vector Psychology.

Proofreader: Natalia Konovalova

Today I will tell how to get rid of jealousy against your husband, wife, parents, children or friends. Why are people jealous of their husbands to their girlfriends? Your wives to unknown men? Your parents to other children? Where does jealousy come from?

Reasons for jealousy:

• First, jealousy comes from fear. Fear of losing what you love.
• Secondly, it grows out of self-doubt, in one's own (other, child, anyone). Uncertainty that the partner loves you and will not prefer you to another person who will be better than you.
• Thirdly, jealousy is the result of a possessive attitude towards your partner. Desires to have a monopoly on his personal life, to interfere in all his affairs.
• Fourthly, this quality can grow from any other complexes and fears.

What did we not see in the list of reasons for jealousy? Love! Jealousy does not stem from love, its basis is fear. Constant outbursts of jealousy only interfere with love and turn relationships into a series of suffering and distrust.

How to overcome jealousy? How to eliminate the causes of this feeling?

1. Get rid of everything that does not serve your love.

During jealousy attacks, many people play spy games. They constantly check outgoing calls on the spouse’s phone, try to catch the smell of perfume from his jacket, call him every hour to make sure that he has met with his friends and is not visiting his mistress, forbid him to communicate with members of the opposite sex, etc. .d. In short, they keep their partner on a short leash. At the same time, they do not even think about where this feeling leads them.

Subconsciously, people may feel that they are solving some problem that serves the interests of a healthy relationship. After all, spouses should love each other, should not cheat with other women and men, they think. And therefore, they need to constantly be confident in the fidelity of their partner and do everything in order to feed this confidence, even if it causes a wave of distrust, negative emotions and quarrels for empty reasons. Thus, jealousy gets the green light.

People are used to the fact that love and jealousy go hand in hand, and many of them have learned to put up with the fact that jealousy has become a full participant in their relationship.

But in fact, the paranoia that appears on the basis of jealousy does not at all serve the goals of love and a harmonious life together, but only poisons love. Jealousy, as well as actions caused by jealousy, do not solve problems, but create them.

Think about what your endless outbursts of jealousy will lead to? You are so afraid of lies, but you yourself envelop your relationship with an atmosphere of distrust. You are so afraid of losing your partner, but at the same time, you try to control his every step, blame him, create prohibitions, swear, scream, suspect ...

Does this set the stage for close, trusting, healthy, and lasting relationships? The irony of jealousy (and indeed of many other feelings based on fear) is that because of your fear, you only bring closer what you are so afraid of! Distrust and paranoia ultimately make relationships more fragile and alienate you from your partner.

The next time you get jealous and feel like yelling at your husband or checking his phone, ask yourself how these actions can help your relationship? How will this help your love? How can this prevent the things (losing a partner, breaking up a relationship) that you are so afraid of from appearing?

If your answer to all three questions is “No” or “It will only get in the way”, then give your jealousy a red color.

This alone, of course, will not help you completely get rid of this feeling. But, the first step towards getting rid of negative emotions is the realization that you do not need these emotions, that they only interfere with you.

Rid your relationship of what does not serve the interests of love!

2. Eliminate your fears

Of what we are afraid, we naturally do not want to think. For example: “What if I lose my job? I don't even want to think about it!" Strange as it may sound, but our fears have power over us precisely because we do not want to think about what will happen when the fear comes true.

Of course, you will disagree with me and object: “No matter how it is! I constantly think about what I'm afraid of. I imagine how bad it will be for me when my loved one leaves me, and what terrible feelings I will experience.”

But you don't think about what will happen next. You only think about negative emotions at the moment of the realization of your fear. Try to mentally go beyond this limit, even if you yourself do not want to think about the future.

Think: “What will happen a year after our breakup? What will happen in five years. The first few months must be tough for me. But then I'll start to come to my senses little by little. After some time, I will have a new relationship, maybe they will be even better than these.

(This is by no means the best scenario! Perhaps your relationship will live even after infidelity! I will talk about this in the last paragraph of this article.)

Not as scary as you thought at the beginning, is it? Be realistic! Try to run these pictures in your mind. Think about how you will get out of this situation, how you will continue to live, and not about how bad it will be for you at the moment your fear is fulfilled!

Don't get too attached to what you have. AT this moment You may feel that your relationship with this person is the most important thing in your life. But, this is partly an illusion and a deception. It is difficult for people to think in the perspective of their whole life, and they sometimes greatly overestimate the role of what they have now.

This idea may not be entirely intuitive. You ask me: “how is it not worth getting strongly attached to something? I am attached to what I love: to my children, to my family, to my work, to my goal. This is the basis of my existence! Are you suggesting that I become indifferent to the things I love?”

No, I suggest only to stop experiencing painful attachment, which brings nothing but suffering and fear.

If you love your husband very much, but constantly live in fear that your relationship may end, are you happy? Do you get satisfaction from such relationships? I don't think. The fear of losing those relationships in the future makes you unhappy. But the fact that you have them in the present does not make you happy, because you are constantly afraid and only think about the future!

Strong attachments give rise to fear of loss. And the fear of loss prevents you from enjoying the present moment.

Not having strong affection does not mean not loving. Not being strongly attached means being more relaxed about the fact that nothing lasts forever, being more realistic. Be ready for anything. And be able to enjoy what you have now.

3. Stop comparing

“What if he finds a more worthy woman than me, smarter, more beautiful!”

“There are so many men around her who are more beautiful and successful than me, there is no chance that our relationship can last.”

These disturbing thoughts are familiar to many. You start comparing yourself to other members of your gender, and you become overwhelmed by the fear of competition. But men and women are not some goods in the love market!

Relations between people are not always similar to commodity-money relations, within which preferences are formed solely on the basis of the properties of the “commodity”: attractiveness, success, intelligence, etc. Rather, it is more like the attitude of the owner of capital, in fact, to capital. This is also not the best analogy, but closer.

I mean, your relationship now is not the same as it was when it first started. Maybe when you first met your partner, you were connected only by mutual attraction.

But, in the course of the development of relations, a certain “capital” is formed, something more than just attraction and passion, enhanced by external attractiveness and success. This capital is accumulated over the years, as both subjects of relations understand each other more and more deeply, as they jointly find solutions to their problems and draw conclusions from their mistakes, as they overcome another difficulty that has arisen in their path ...

And this capital is too valuable. It cannot be easily exchanged for something else. In short, your partner loves you not only for your qualities, but for everything that you had with him. Or maybe he loves you for something else that you yourself do not know. And this is what allows you to prefer more successful and attractive people.

“Good,” you say. “What if our relationship is not like “building joint moral capital”. They just crumble. I don't think there's anything between us anymore."

Then move on to the next item.

4. Improve your relationship

Spend more time with your partner. Find out his desires. Show him care and trust. Try to work together to solve family problems. Talk about your difficulties. Become more attractive to each other. Bring variety. And develop your relationship without stopping there!

I'm not going to bring here detailed instructions to improve relations. This will be the topic of a separate article. What I want to say here is that the fidelity of the spouses to each other is not a derivative of surveillance, suspicion and distrust. It is the result of a strong, reliable, satisfying relationship.

If in the course of your surveillance of your husband you do not find any evidence of infidelity, then this will not help eliminate your jealousy, after a while it will flare up again. But when you become more confident in your relationship, when you, together with your partner, surround each other with trust, only then will you be able to less reason be jealous.

In order to eliminate the very feeling of jealousy, as well as the reasons for its occurrence (treason), you need to strive to develop relationships, and not turn them into a spy novel and a soap opera at the same time!

Recently I have been thinking about why total state control is present, as a rule, in underdeveloped countries. It seems to me that this is due to the fact that countries with big economic problems have only one way to instill patriotism and keep their residents inside the country. This way, to lie, organize surveillance and create prohibitions, including a ban on leaving the country. The love and devotion of the inhabitants of this country to the state is based on fear and deceit.

But states with good economies and social conditions do not need to resort to dictatorship. A person will not flee this country if given the opportunity. Because he loves his state, for what it provides to its residents good conditions for life and take care of them. Nobody forces him to love. Therefore, this feeling arises sincerely.

You can easily apply this analogy to your relationships. It is necessary to create an atmosphere of love and trust in your family, to accumulate joint “love capital” and thereby reduce the risk of “emigration of your spouse” to another family. It's better than doing it through bans and surveillance.

5. Curb your imagination

Your husband is late at work. And now pictures are already coming to your mind in which he has fun with other women. But do not rush to let your imagination go ahead. If you keep imagining it, then it will be difficult for you to get out of these thoughts and listen to reasonable arguments when they come to your mind.

These fantasies deprive you of the possibility of a sober assessment of the situation. Therefore, if you notice bouts of paranoia because of your partner’s betrayal, then make it a rule: “ first thought is the wrong thought until she proves otherwise.

It can be said presumption of guilt impulsive thoughts. This principle helps me a lot to cope with many emotions and see the situation as it is, and not as my momentary feelings try to present it.

So put all these fantasies out of your head for a while. You will pay attention to them later. To start, . Anyway, as long as you are covered by anxiety and anxiety, nothing worthwhile will come to your mind.

So shift your attention to something else. Don't let him get "bogged down" in these fantasies. Start thinking about the problem only when you realize that you have calmed down and your anxiety does not attract all your thoughts to their "negative pole". Then you can assess the situation soberly. Maybe you will realize that your fears were unfounded. But perhaps they will be confirmed. But before you think about it, you should calmly analyze the situation in reality, and not get carried away by your fantasies.

6. Stop living only your partner's life.

Often the reason for jealousy is the fixation of one of the partners on the life of the other. It happens that this happens for the reason that one of the partners does not have their own personal interests and their own personal life. And he has no choice but to live the life of another.

This applies not only to jealousy, but also to excessive control by parents (usually mothers) in relation to children. Understand that your control, your anxiety, your endless interference in someone's life will not make you or the person whose life you interfere in happy!

To avoid this, add some variety to your life. and your passion. In no case should this be an excuse for you to ignore your partner or child because of your new hobbies. Not at all! Let this be a reason for you to understand that there is more to life than your husband or your children.

At the same time, let your partner (or son, daughter) live some other life than family. Leave him space to communicate with friends, colleagues and even people of the opposite sex! Show your partner that you trust him, give him some freedom, do not try to explore every inch of his life and do not squeeze it in the grip of control.

It will also help you become less attached to your relationship, as you will have something else! Therefore, you will be less afraid of loss and suffer less!

7. Do the opposite

Do the opposite of what jealousy pushes you to do. If you see your wife talking to a man you don't know at a party, instead of glaring at that person and then making a scandal to your wife, come up and politely introduce yourself to this man! Maybe you will find out that this is just a work colleague whom your wife met and whom she simply could not pass by for reasons of tact. And you will understand how your jealousy was absurd.

8. Be honest! Don't play games

Drop all those spy games and hidden doubts! If something is bothering you, ask your partner directly! Just don't do it in the form of a scandal! Calmly state all your suspicions and see what he says.

But, before talking about this with a partner, it would not hurt you to assess for yourself how your suspicions are justified.

After all, many people play a “hidden game” and act on the sly only because they subconsciously understand that all their doubts are absurd and ridiculous and it would be ridiculous to talk about their paranoia to another.

Therefore, preparing for such a conversation will help you not only directly state your concerns and reach a new level of trust (if you understand that the conversation should take place), but also check whether your fears are real or just the result of an unbridled fantasy.

9. Trust your partner

I have already spoken about trust more than once in this article, but I consider this issue to be quite important, so I am taking it out as part of a separate paragraph. Trust is essential for a healthy and strong relationship. Think about it, do you have a reason not to trust your partner?

I'm not saying that no one has such a reason. But it often happens that we begin to suspect our partner, not because he did not justify our trust, but only because we ourselves experience fear and self-doubt. Jealousy, in this case, is not based on anything in reality, but stems only from our personal feelings.

Why not try to trust your partner then? Stop seeing deception in his every word and discard your endless suspicions. Of course, suspicions are not always unfounded. But try to believe your soulmate and not suspect him of something bad for at least a month, no matter how he behaves and no matter what he does.

If your fears remain with you, then you probably need to change something in your relationship. But, it is quite possible that you will understand how ridiculous your fears were and see how believing in your partner transforms your relationship and makes you happier. And you want to stay with that trust forever...

10. Be willing to forgive

I do not want people to take some of my advice as a way to come to terms with obvious problems in the family and get rid of jealousy, for which there is a reason. Maybe everything is really not so smooth for you and your partner is systematically cheating on you. And it is not your paranoia and fear that tells you, but established facts. (It's hard to deny this when your husband is always going missing, arriving late at night and smelling of perfume.)

In this case, it is better not to deny the obvious things, not to suppress the attacks of jealousy in yourself, and try to do something with your relationship. I have always been a proponent of trying to make amends for what happened, to forgive the person and start over before taking drastic action. This is what I advise you.

Cheating is not always an indicator of your spouse's or your spouse's lack of love for you. Sometimes people cheat, simply because they are not sexually restrained, but continue to love you. Sometimes they do it because their ego craves new victories on the love front, but at the same time they continue to love you. Sometimes this happens because a person gives in to affect, but continues to love you. Sometimes this is the result of a momentary weakness of a person, his mistake, for which he can be forgiven.

Cheating is not as scary as your fantasy and your feelings draw it to you. But if this happened, be ready to endure it together, and live on. This is not the end of life.

If you know that you are able to forgive a person. That they are able to trust him again, after all his actions. That cheating won't be the end of your relationship. What can you do to change and improve your life together to prevent the recurrence of such cases in the future. Then you won't be so afraid of it. Then you will have much less reason to be jealous!

But this requires the trust of both spouses. And their desire to develop relationships!

Love and jealousy occupy a special place in the psychology of relationships. This is the eternal theme of love stories and poems. No less has been written about jealousy than about love. Therefore, many consider jealousy one of the sides of love. They say that jealousy follows love like a shadow. Most likely, she was born simultaneously with love and is a frequent companion of family life.

AT different times jealousy was treated differently. In the last century in our country, it was considered a relic of the past, guaranteeing that after changes in society and in the individual himself, it will disappear. But the world and people change, but love and jealousy continue to exist.
What is jealousy? How does jealousy affect the harmony of family relationships? And is it possible to get rid of jealousy?

What is jealousy?

Jealousy is considered a complex feeling that includes many experiences with a real or perceived betrayal of a loved one. Therefore, the content of jealousy is treason. But jealousy can arise not only in connection with the actual betrayal, but also because of the alleged betrayal. In other words, it can also be caused by the imagination of a jealous person. Jealousy can be a short-term reaction or it can exist for a long time. It can be a trait of a person's character, manifesting itself throughout life. Jealousy often lives longer than love. Often the relationship of spouses who have lived for many years cannot be called passionate love. But jealousy manifests itself with the same force as in young years, and sometimes it increases significantly.

Jealousy is a feeling that is not combined with logic and common sense. There is jealousy for those who are not currently alive or for those who can be met in the future. Men are more likely to suffer from it, and the consequences of jealousy are quite severe. Public opinion is often sympathetic to even the most ruthless forms of jealous revenge. interesting information can be gleaned from the article about.

Types of jealousy

The capacity for jealousy varies from person to person. Experts who have been studying the psychology of jealousy for many years divide it into several categories. On the one hand, those who express pathological jealousy, on the other hand, people who almost do not experience jealousy. And intermediate categories are considered the norm. It should be noted that love changes all the time. Jealousy, like its shadow, is also constantly changing. Changes in it occur under the influence of many factors. According to psychologists, people experience a feeling of jealousy even before marriage, but it intensifies after marriage. A significant difference in the age of the spouses is the basis for jealousy, and not only in old age.

Psychologists distinguish jealous people by the quality of the feelings they show. At opposite poles are such types of jealousy as tyrannical jealousy and jealousy from hurt.

From tyrannical jealousy those who suffer are stubborn, domineering, self-righteous, petty, emotionally cold, and aloof. They tend to dominate in relations with their wife (husband). These people put forward high demands for their family members, which are often extremely difficult to fulfill. Talk about what it is they are to blame for bad relationship are unacceptable to them. They always try to shift the responsibility for the lack of attention to them on other people. And if such a person observes the cooling of a sexual partner, then he seeks to explain this circumstance in his own way. And often he blames the partner for everything, who supposedly has a penchant for infidelity. In the psychology of jealousy, the tyrannical type of jealousy is considered the darkest option. He turns family life in hell. Such people need health care. Read about the psychology of a tyrant's husband.

suffer people who have an anxious and suspicious nature. They are distinguished by such qualities of character as exaggeration of their shortcomings, failures and troubles. They tend to fall into despair easily. They consider themselves weak and uninteresting, so they do not rely on good relationship around them, hard experiencing their fate. They are in constant expectation of betrayal of their partner. Even small changes in attitude towards them are immediately caught and immediately give rise to baseless conclusions. If in the words and actions of a partner they notice a little less love, care, attention and affection, then immediately there are doubts and suspicions.

Among people suffering from jealousy from infringement, there are also those who hide their insecurities, creating the appearance of a strong and determined person. However, this image is only a mask. She hides great vulnerability and sensitivity even to small ones. The reason for this jealousy is low self-esteem, which may be the result of a deep, received before marriage, inferiority complex.

Psychology of jealousy: how does jealousy arise?

Psychologists of jealousy distinguish two types of its manifestation.

1. Reversed jealousy.
   Is the result own attitude jealous of infidelity. And regardless of whether he realized his desire or not. But since he has such a desire, it seems to him that his partner also allows such thoughts. In most cases, converted jealousy appears in one of the partners in the place of past love.
2. Instilled jealousy.
   It comes from life experience. Infidelity of parents, infidelity among friends, acquaintances, talk about infidelity can convince suggestible people that they are changing everything and everywhere. Among the sources of inspired jealousy may be anecdotes and jokes of people around, as well as unfortunate witticisms of a sexual partner. But such jokes are not entirely harmless: jealousy settles in the soul of a person.

Jealousy in alcoholism

Alcoholism can give rise to both normal and pathological jealousy, the so-called delirium of jealousy. If we are talking about normal jealousy, then it occurs with alcohol intoxication and disappears when a person sobers up. It constantly arises in subsequent intoxications and appears on the basis of suspicions, and not in accordance with real facts. With the increase in alcohol dependence, jealousy begins to transform into a pathology. Manifestations of jealousy in alcoholics are very dangerous. Often she (jealousy) appears as a result of sexual disorders that occur under the influence of alcohol.

Psychologists say that in people suffering from alcoholism, jealousy is much more common than in people who do not suffer from this disease. Alcoholics are characterized by the manifestation of jealousy in the form of violence, often aggressive actions (even murders) and auto-aggression. As can be observed from experience, murders by jealous men were committed in a state of intoxication. Many of them are alcoholics. Therefore, for those whose jealousy is a character trait and is pronounced, drinking alcohol is strictly contraindicated.

Jealousy: emotional experiences

Being in the maximum stage of the suffering of jealousy, a person feels great tension. experiencing deep love, a person becomes blind: he sees only good features in his beloved. However, the same blindness exists in jealousy, when a person loses his reason and is in a state of passion.
Experts who study the psychology of jealousy distinguish such a feeling as love pain. The more love, the more acute the pain of jealousy. It is especially difficult for men to endure pain. Most suicidal acts happen because of this feeling. Love pain can explain the fact that sometimes jealousy gets out of control and is the cause of violence.

With jealousy, a person experiences a lot of negative emotions: anger, resentment, hatred, rage, despair, anxiety, passion and a thirst for revenge. A person's personality is destroyed as a result of painful doubts and suspicions.
The psychology of jealousy highlights the characteristic features of male and female jealousy

The experience of jealousy in men

For the appearance of jealousy, the character of a man is not important (jealous or not). Treason (real or imaginary) is perceived as a blow of great strength, as a huge misfortune. A state of affect is formed: there is no self-control, uncontrollable aggressiveness towards the spouse arises and the whole range of negative emotions is manifested. But aggressive actions are not directed at the opponent, but only at the spouse.

Men are having a hard time with betrayal, despite numerous betrayals on their part. And this circumstance is connected with shame and disgrace, if others find out about it. In this situation, the jealous person experiences the emotion of shame. Do men share their experiences with their friends? For many of them, secrecy in this matter is characteristic.

Often male jealousy is aggressive. Even in cases where this jealousy is unfounded, men can commit rash, cruel, and sometimes tragic actions. As a result of men's propensity for fantasies, such as sexual ones, their jealousy can make an elephant out of a fly. And the furniture begins to crumble, the dishes break, and both the spouse and the children get it. Such behavior does not help restore peace in the family, the situation is even more heated. And in a situation where it is enough to joke or affectionately reproach to clarify the relationship, hostility arises. The injured pride of a man leads to difficult experiences.

The experience of jealousy in women

From the position of some psychologists, female jealousy is based on the fear of losing the "source of resources."
But it is also common for women to experience a painful feeling of jealousy. Unlike men, women do not try to hide the fact of their spouse's infidelity. Often they even without reason complain about the infidelity of their husbands. They hate and persecute rivals, rage and hatred are not directed at men, but at rivals. Their aggression in some cases takes absurd, ugly forms. But she agrees to return to her husband and, if successful, will consider his return a triumph. Men are more sensitive to rivals than women. They are jealous even of those who were before, while women, on the contrary, are calm about the past. sexual relations spouses. The fact that there were others is not important, because he chose her. New knowledge in the field will help to deal with jealousy.

Consequences of jealousy

There are families where family relationships have a special style: passion, jealousy, scandal, fights, and then reconciliation and passion again. And this is how it goes all the time. However, extreme manifestations of jealousy gradually destroy the family.
First: relations between spouses deteriorate as a result of any jealousy. Constant suspicions, caustic reproaches, surveillance, reservations, tears and systematic scandals gradually poison family life. The house is filled with anxiety and fear. As a result, all this becomes the basis for divorce.
Second: violent showdowns, systematic conflicts associated with constant jealousy, have a bad effect on the psyche of children if they are in the family. Children react quite sharply to tense parental relationships, and strife due to jealousy can cause not only sharp and painful reactions, but also the loss of parental authority.
Third: jealousy generated by the fictitious betrayal of one of the spouses can cause real treason. There is, so to speak, "treason in retaliation." “If you think I am like that, it means that you yourself are capable of this act, so I will not remain in debt either!”. Such actions do not improve relations. The result is a divorce.
Fourth: Jealousy, if not taken under control, can be obsessive and lead to mental pathology. According to psychiatrists, "nonsense of jealousy" is difficult to cure.
Fifth: the negative emotions experienced by jealous people destroy their health.
If we analyze the stress scale, then betrayal, and, consequently, jealousy will correspond to the strongest blow. Its strength can be compared with the stress experienced after death. loved one… In such a situation, a person feels pressure in the chest, “fading of the heart” and sometimes it seems that the earth is leaving from under the feet. Besides, it is impossible to run away from jealousy. People try to keep themselves within the bounds of what is permitted. But nervous and then immune system depleted, and this leads to the development of many diseases.
Jealousy, unfortunately, often exposes our weaknesses and most dark sides personality. Its origins are in low self-esteem, in fear of losing the object of love.

How to deal with jealousy

There is no faceless jealousy. Like love, it is necessarily directed to another person. Both spouses contribute a lot to feelings of love and jealousy. There is an opinion that if he is jealous, then he loves. But jealousy should be kept under control, because its manifestations are not always good for spouses.

• You need constant control over your behavior. If your half is jealous, then you should not give reasons for jealousy. If suddenly they appeared, then learn to dispel any mistrust;
• analyze own feelings. Try to understand what your feeling of jealousy is based on: low self-esteem, selfishness, a desire to dominate, heightened ambition or fear of losing a loved one;
• don't lose respect for yourself. negative emotions, covering a person, do not adorn him at all. In any situation, do not stoop to rudeness and anger. Maintain your self-respect;
• raise your self-esteem: do not humiliate yourself by begging for love. To avoid betrayal, try to be worthy of strong and devoted love;
• love and respect yourself: you cannot inspire another person to love yourself if you do not love and appreciate yourself.

The psychology of jealousy cannot accurately answer the questions of what jealousy is, whether jealousy can be considered a blessing or a terrible punishment for people. But jealousy was, is and will be. It is important to learn to live with it and control its manifestations.